A/N Writing the last chapter really got me inspired to start writing again. After such a long time of being inactive, I realize how much I have missed writing these things, so I hope you all enjoy them. Also I reread the entire story and I shivered in fear when I saw my writing at the beginning of this story. A/N
Chapter 25: Something
The nightmare was holding her in a tight grip, making her whimper and move around in her fearful slumber. The icing cold, the howling wind, the bloody screams and shrieks that filled her head, they were practically out of this world, and always haunted her, both during daytime and nighttime. The bloody grounds, the abnormal footprints, the tears made of steal, and all those large faceless thorny shadows, following her around everywhere she went, harassing her. She could do nothing about it, just listen to their words and receive the pain as they threw sharp objects at her, making her bleed. Just as the largest shadow walked up to her, and screamed at her in the voice of Scorpius, telling her that she was useless and deserved to die, she woke up.
She was paler than a ghost could ever be, her heart beat faster and faster and she was sweating heavily. She looked around and saw that it was in the middle of the night, and that everyone in her dorm was still asleep, but she already gave up on the idea of going back to sleep, because she knew it wouldn't work, and right now she was too scared anyway. She didn't want to relieve that nightmare again, not one more time tonight, three times had been enough and now she just had the urge to jump in front of a train or throw her dorm mates most precious belongings out of the window or into the lake just so she could see them suffer. She hated that dream more than anything else in the entire world, and it had just gotten more intense day after day, never stopping to bother her. It was always in the back of her mind, even when she was awake and that made her want to rip her hair from her head with her bare hands every time she got angry, which was pretty often.
She was getting worse as each day passed. She just felt worse and had no energy to do anything. She hadn't even left her bed the last three days, which meant she had ditched class. She didn't care if it would affect her grades at all anymore, she just couldn't do anything, she had no energy left, non at all. And just the thought of going to class made her feel worse and made the anxiety grow and feel more like a stab in the chest. She just wanted to be alone, and feel alone. She just wanted to feel something, anything would be fine with her. Because right now she felt completely nothing, she had no emotions left in her, and just the thought of the happy emotion was already about to fade into a faraway memory. Like it had never existed in the beginning either. She didn't know which of these things she feared the most, not feeling things or not being able to remember how feeling things felt, both felt equally terrifying to her. She took a few deep breaths and bit her lip, a bad habit that had been evolving over the past few months. She wanted to scream, waking everyone up and you call them lots of bad things, harassing them so they would feel bad about themselves so she wouldn't be the only one feeling like this for once. But she didn't scream, she kept quite because she knew she would only cause more problems, like she always did
"Forget it", she whispered to herself as she closed her eyes and tried to think of other things. But she never managed to fall asleep until class had already begun and she was alone in the dorm.
…
She couldn't decide if she should actually get up from her bed for just a few minutes or if she should stay there and continue feeling like worthless garbage. Even though the latter once sounded less appealing, she had no energy to do the other, and she would probably end up being in bed for at least another few days. Not because she wanted to, but because her body told her she had no other choice if she wanted to stay alive. And she wanted to stay alive, feeling alive again was her only wish, she didn't care about anything else, just if that made her feel happy once last time, she missed that feeling so much. And she felt terrible about herself because she wasn't strong enough to get everything together and try to feel like that again, it was an evil cycle. She didn't want to move until she felt better but she knew she won't feel better until she did stuff and tried to feel better instead of just laying in bed and being mad at herself.
She would never feel good again if she continued like this, but she didn't care. All logic was upside down and she couldn't do anything about it. Why was it so hard to feel happy again? Why was it such a challenge? Why did trying just make her feel even worse?
Karma sure is cruel to some, but she guess she deserved it after all. She was just a pile of garbage.
A/N Well this was another depression chapter with only Rose in it. In next chapter she will do more stuff than just think for herself, and there will be some character interaction, but she won't feel better at once, because that is not how depression works. Even if you are surrounded by people that love you and you kind of feel happy, the feeling is still always lurking around in the corner, just waiting for a new moment to strike and make you feel terrible again. I just wanted you to get a look inside Rose's brain so you could see her feelings more clearly. I know that her thoughts are repeating a lot, but that is how the mind of a person with depression works, at least mine worked that way. A/N