Dean floundered inside the spell Willow had cast, trying to gain a sense of proportion into the objects around him. For some reason everything seemed so much larger, so much brighter…
Was this how Buffy viewed the world? Gods…
His eye line was off and he had zero control over his own actions yet he somehow still felt everything. The bizarre spell was wreaking havoc on his mind and he tried to focus harder to get around the limitations.
When he'd suggested to Willow the idea of memory-reawakening she hadn't a clue as to what he was talking about. But in the book-plow Sam and Bobby had come across a strange ancient Mayan tradition of past-life sharing. Willow had immediately known what they were talking about, learning a similar spell from a coven of witches a year or so back.
Only Willow hadn't preformed it on anyone who was no longer alive. Sam had said that shouldn't matter, seeing as most people's past lives happened in another body altogether. It was a soul joining spell…and it oddly enough made Dean terrified of what he'd see inside Buffy's final moments.
A part of him wanted to beg Sam to do this for him, but he couldn't…Sam deserved the truth from Buffy about their final actions from her own two lips. It wasn't something that should be stolen from her mind without her consent.
Dean straightened inside Buffy, acutely aware of the action he had no control over.
The next few moments slid by in a flurry of images so bright he wasn't sure if the spell was working correctly. Was the journey like this for everyone or did Buffy simply view the world in different terms than the rest of humanity?
Everything green stood out, catching his eye time and again. Faces blurred together, recognition walking a fine line of confusion and understanding. And sounds came to him in a higher pitch than he was used to.
He listened to the beating of his own heart above half the things said around him. It was distracting, all of it was. How did Buffy even go about life with this collage of tie-dyed emotions choking her?
Her mind touched on Sam's face every other moment and he almost lost himself under the weight of her affection for his little brother. She really did love him with all her soul.
Suddenly Dean felt ashamed for his behavior towards her when she'd first entered their lives.
Yes he had been poisoned by The Beast. Yes the pit had rubbed his heart raw and set his mind askew. But he should've seen her for what she was all this time instead of what he wanted her to be.
The missing piece of his heart. A friend. A fighter. A sister. And the best damned thing to happen to the Winchesters since their Dad had died.
Buffy's mind was in constant chaos and confusion. He was baffled by how she kept such a calm visage when this was what was going on inside of her the whole time. Anger, rage, fear, love and loss broiled through her on repeat.
By the time she pulled the trigger on herself Dean had the whole story, but it was like he was reading it in another language. Some parts still didn't make sense.
She had known when she shot herself that it wasn't the The Power That Be pulling the strings. But she couldn't have known what she was getting herself into. The Trickster was a hard bastard to kill, and now Dean knew why, he was an angel, and not just any angel…Lucifer's brother and one of the four archangels of Heaven.
By the time Dean snapped awake back in his own reality, he had a wealth of information he wasn't sure what to do with.
They were fighting a losing battle. Because they'd all be damned if he had any clue how to kill an angel.
Gabriel toyed with the umbrella in his hands, surveying Buffy from a distance. She was a vision of beauty and fury. He'd been hiding down here on this wretchedly broken planet, crawling amongst the insects, since the dawn of time. But none had moved him quite the way this one tiny girl did.
What was so different about her? He wished he knew.
He'd played these sorts of games before, even tormenting the Winchesters on a couple occasions for a laugh or two. There was a point he even felt sorry for the youngest Winchester, sending Sam back in time to before Dean had died and giving the brothers more time together.
He had pretended the games he played with the brothers were nothing, but a part of him was jealous.
The Winchesters were each others ultimate weakness. Without each other the other was never truly whole. He'd longed for that himself, ever since Lucifer had carved his own path away from Heaven and his brothers he left behind.
He missed Michael and Raphael, and even Lucifer. He missed his Father.
He'd buried those feelings for so long, knowing he should never be the first to admit such things. He was one of the original angels. A warrior and messenger of God. There was no room for the compassion his Father seemed to have an unending supply of.
He spent his life on Earth indulging in the carnal pleasures and baser joys life had to offer.
But nothing filled the void.
He was lonely. And he saw no end for this feeling that slowly was rusting away the steel around his heart. Until now…
Could this trio of forsaken soldiers, human and flawed as they were, be a beacon of hope for not only humanity but Heaven above too?
He hadn't thought it possible to have such hope, never even knew the feeling existed. Until he had heard of the closing gates of Hell. Lucifer was coming around and the Slayer had lead the charge against him, helping to lock the doors to the pit that had driven such a large wedge between Lucifer and his forgiveness.
Gabriel now saw an end to all this pain he carried. And it started with the petite blonde before him…
As he conceded to her an inch, she pressed forward with her words, driving them home. "I think you were hoping I'd not choose at all, weren't you? That I'd let both brothers go…"
Gabriel's mouth hardened as he spoke the same words he had earlier. "If you only knew, you wouldn't be asking me that."
Buffy's eyes narrowed on him in suspicion and he tried to keep a clear head. "Why is everything out of your mouth a puzzle?"
Gabriel's heart leapt at the accusation. She sees right through me.
Buffy paused before him, seeming to relax a bit. "Why the tricks? Because laughter is easier than the alternative?" She broke into silence and he opened his mouth to give a witty retort but she quickly cut him off, "Look around," she made a wild gesture of looking about her, it was mean to be menacing, but Gabriel couldn't help but find it adorable. "No one is laughing but you…" she trailed off.
His heart hammered erratically. She was close to seeing past his facade. The Trickster. The Jokster. The Laughing Angel. The neutral brother. He'd spent too much time building up his own burdens to let one small girl knock them down with a single sentence.
He hadn't quite felt this way since he'd tricked Sam into thinking Dean was dead and buried for months. Even then the Winchesters had intrigued him, representing a place holder for hope in this wild world he loved so much.
Hope was a harsh word for any angel. It was the first one they were taught, yet the most difficult to hold onto the longer you lived. And Gabriel was looking at eternity.
Instantly he saw this game for what it was…just another funny distraction.
And Buffy was right, no one was laughing anymore. Not even him.
With a wry smile he cocked his head at the slayer. "I can make you forget this. All of you." The words were dull, they held no real threat, in fact, they came across as a gift. He was offering her a way out of what he'd done to her. But would she take it? At this point he didn't know…
She was as unpredictable as the wind. The direction of Buffy Summers life failed to be controlled, as did fate.
Buffy's face was a vacant mask. If any emotions rumbled through her, she let none show. "Going back to where you started solves nothing if you don't remember the journey that brought you down the wrong path in the first place."
Tension bunched around the odd pair. White illuminating the false world around them. Testing Buffy anymore would only harm them both. A part of him had wanted her to refuse his choice, another part hid his feelings towards her behind the eldest Winchester, hoping she'd not lose herself to love when she was needed in the final fight he saw coming for this broken world…and soon.
But all of that was pointless if Buffy refused to be taught his twisted lessons.
His heart ached at the sight of her. Could it be he felt a rare form of pride for her right now?
He wasn't sure how that felt exactly. But if anything this whole mess had shown a light on his brother's true feelings of late. He wondered mildly if after all this Lucifer would continue to keep an eye on the red-head. He chuckled to himself about the look on Lucifer's face when he had watched Willow.
Buffy's eyes widened at the sudden glee that encompassed him. With the snap of his fingers he transported her back to the beginning of her game…back to before she'd taught him a thing or two about submission and fate.
Back to when she'd narrowed that gun on herself and unknowingly gave him the greatest gift he's ever been given.
The promise that behind every sacrifice lies a heart so unyielding it still has the power to create miracles in the absence of faith.