Stupid Cupid
Chapter 24: A Heart To Love
By Em

"Who could refrain that had a heart to love and in that heart courage to make love known?"
- William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act 2, sc. 3

Raven woke up to the beeping of the bedside alarm clock. She rolled onto her side and blinked blearily at the digital numbers in the diffused light of the guest room and for a minute, didn't quite remember where she was and why she was waking up at six in the morning.

She hit the snooze button and let herself roll onto her back, her hands scrubbing at the sleep in her eyes, inhaling deeply as it all came slowly back.

The ball, the dancing, the talk on the portico and in the solarium and the almost kiss…

…and his pulling back.

It had taken her nearly an hour to be able to still her mind enough to meditate, her relatively logical mind trying to put it all together and make Robin's actions fit into place in some way that made sense.

He'd told her she wasn't just his friend, that she meant more to him than that, and the look in his eyes when she'd told him how important he was to her was so unreadable that it had nearly driven her mad wondering at it the night before.

It had been the first time since Speedy had showed up at their door that he had spoken so honestly to her, she could feel it. When she asked him why he doubted that he was special to her, his answer had puzzled her.

"…because you're with someone else…"

A very primal part inside her had thrilled at his words, soared in joy and triumph. He did love her! Wasn't that what meaning more to him than anyone else in the world meant?

And then he'd leaned toward her, grown close enough to her that she could feel the heat coming off his body, the vibrant thrum of his aura pushing against her barriers, and she'd responded instinctively, leaning into his heat, raising her face to his.

But he'd pulled back.

She wondered what he'd seen that had pushed him away. Had she unconsciously put up some barrier he had picked up on? Some sign or expression telling him she wouldn't welcome his embrace? She had never been so tempted to let down her empathic shields as she had been then, but fear of being overwhelmed or losing control had stopped her — as it always did.

Ever practical and achingly aware of her own limitations, Raven couldn't shy away from the likely probability that he had simply been caught up in the moment, about to respond to purely hormonal instincts, maybe it was even her own desire that had drawn him closer, but once he'd realized what he was about to do, he'd pulled away.

Without meaning to, she thought back to that moment with Speedy after they'd come back from visiting Ojai in the rain. She'd sworn she wouldn't think about that moment after deciding it obviously didn't mean anything to Speedy and telling herself she was alright with that. After all, he'd told her he loved someone else and she loved Robin.

But now, lying in bed looking up at the elaborate molding on the ceiling of one of the Wayne Manor guest rooms, she couldn't help comparing the two moments. Speedy had kissed her before, of course, but she hadn't expected it then, hadn't had time really to respond or decide if she wanted to and all she'd been left with then had been the shock that it hadn't been awkward or uncomfortable at all. But that time in the rain had been different. She had seen that one coming – maybe not with her conscious mind, but she hadn't been surprised, not really, and she had wanted to kiss him, too. Wanted to share that moment with him. The kiss itself had been quite pleasing, if she was honest. She had felt warm and sheltered and connected in a way she hadn't before, not to mention the strange ways the feel of him against her and under her hands had made her body react.

But the night before with Robin…she hadn't really been thinking about wanting to kiss him. Instead, she'd just been doing what felt right. Raven frowned now, thinking about it, because trying to parse through her emotions from the night before confused her. Yes, she would have let Robin kiss her, would've welcomed it, even, but if she were honest, she would have to admit that she was scared too. In retrospect, she could admit that she had been scared of what it would mean, that doubt had been crouched somewhere in a corner of her mind. Even while her body had reacted to the mere anticipation of the kiss and she'd felt something she could only describe as a pull somewhere near the center of her chest toward him, urging them together, a part of her mind had been wondering what this meant or would mean or could mean or…

The beeping of the alarm brought her out of her thoughts and she reached over and turned it off, stepping out of the warm down covers and into the slippers Alfred had thought to provide for her use. She pulled on a green striped robe also provided for guests and ran a brush through her hair before exiting the room to find the bathroom.

It didn't take long for her to wash her face and brush her teeth and change into the freshly laundered jeans and t-shirt she had worn the previous day. Halfway down the stairs, however, the thought that Robin might already be in the breakfast room gave her pause.

She wasn't exactly sure how seeing Robin this morning would play out…actually, she wasn't even been sure how she wanted it to play out between them. During the worst of her indecision the previous night, she had actually considered finding an alternative means of going to Jump City without him. The fact she hadn't was due to everyone's voice in her head. Barbara had said she had to give him hope, so had Speedy for that matter, but when Barbara had put it the way she had as they'd been getting ready the night before, Raven had realized they were right. Also, she was sure Speedy'd call her a coward for running away at the first concrete sign of Robin's more than platonic feelings for her.

And, if she was honest, the thought of leaving Robin without a word pained her in ways she couldn't identify.

So she stayed.

But, could she face him?

She could, of course, just pretend like nothing had happened, but something about the well-worn response felt wrong.

Whatever his reasons for pulling away last night, he could not have been in any doubt that she had wanted him to kiss her. Could she pretend nothing had happened after revealing that much?

She wanted to. She wanted to treat him as if nothing had happened, but too much had happened and she wasn't sure even her renowned stoicism would hold up.

She looked behind her, tempted once again to climb back to the room she'd been given and hide until it was time to leave.

She shook her head and straightened her shoulders. She would not run away. Not this time. She would try to pretend nothing had happened and see how far it got her. He couldn't be in any doubt that she had wanted to kiss him now, after all, so the next move was his.

She entered the breakfast room with her head held high and a forced calm, ready to greet Robin as if it were any other morning, only to find the breakfast room empty of people and breakfast dishes. As she stood, wondering what to do, Alfred entered from the back door that led to the kitchen.

"Ah, good morning, Miss Raven," he greeted pleasantly.

"Good morning, Alfred," she replied. "Am I too late for breakfast?" she asked, casting about for a clock she could use to assure herself of the time.

"Not at all," Alfred assured her. "At least, not for breakfast with Master Richard," he amended. "Master Bruce breakfasted an hour ago before leaving to, as he says, check his traps."

Raven quirked her lips at the old butler and looked around again. "Then I'm early?" she guessed.

"Not quite," Alfred answered. "Simply, in the wrong place." He motioned to the French doors along one side of the breakfast room that she knew led out to a terrace overlooking the smaller side garden. "It is such a beautiful day today, Master Richard asked to take breakfast on the terrace."

"Ah," Raven said, staring at the doors but not approaching them. She couldn't see the table with Richard sitting at it, but she hadn't expected to since she knew the table was off to the right of the doors.

"Shall I bring some white tea out to you?" he asked.

Raven felt something like panic start to rise, but only for a moment. Exhaling, she lifted her chin, again, and turned to Alfred. "White tea," she repeated. "Yes, thank you, that would be wonderful."

He inclined his head and left the way he'd come. Left alone, Raven looked at the doors again and refused to allow doubt to enter her mind again. As she had before, she straightened her shoulders, lifted her chin and stepped with determination to the door. She gripped the metal knob and turned it decisively, pushing the door open. She stepped onto the patio and closed the door behind her, turning to her right, only after allowing herself a moment to breathe in the smell of the magnolias blooming nearby.

Robin was sitting at a wrought iron table, set for two, at the place setting facing her direction. "Good morning," he greeted, his tone even and pleasant.

"Morning," she replied, walking toward the table, happy to note she managed to make it appear casual as opposed to a march.

"I had Alfred bring you a blueberry muffin, since I know how much you love his muffins," he told her as she looked down at the muffin sitting in the exact middle of the round fiestaware plate at the place setting facing the garden to his left.

"Thank you," she replied. She realized she was just standing there, and started to reach for the heavy wrought iron chair to pull it out, when Robin stood up and pulled the chair out for her. She sat down and looked at him, half-surprised at the sudden gallantry. Then, she remembered Barbara's advice from the night before, and she let the warmth she always felt whenever Robin did something to admit how well he knew her flood her. The smile she offered up to him came naturally then.

Robin became lost in her smile for a moment. Then, he smiled back. "Do you want coffee," he motioned the silver urn on one side of the table.

"No, thank you," she replied, unfolding her napkin and placing it on her lap. "I saw Alfred inside and he offered to bring me some white tea."

"Good," Robin replied, turning back to his own place and sitting down again.

Raven picked up the stainless steel table knife on the side of her plate and proceeded to cut her muffin into eight nearly identical slices. Robin watched her hands as she worked, musing on how no matter how many times he saw her perform this very same ritual, it never ceased to mesmerize him to watch her do it. Once she put down the knife, her nimble fingers carefully peeled the baking cup away from the muffin, making the slices fall away onto the plate like a flower opening up its blooms.

"I love how you do that," he said before he could talk himself out of it.

She paused, about to reach for one of the slices, to look up at him. "Pardon?" she asked.

He grinned at her. "Just…" he hesitated under her scrutiny. "You do that every time, but I never get tired of watching it for some reason – the precision with which you do it, I guess it just fascinates me."

She looked down at her plate as if seeing it for the first time, then back up at him. "Thank you," she said, "I suppose."

She looked back at her muffin and did pick up a slice then with her thumb and forefinger, bringing it up to her mouth and biting the bottom half first. She could feel his eyes still on her, and when she swallowed, she looked back at him and raised her brows. "You're staring," she told him.

He smiled and nodded. "I know," he told her.

Something about his tone and that smile made her insides flutter. "Shouldn't you be eating your breakfast?" she asked, attempting a monotone.

His smile never faltered, but he turned back to his plate, picking up his knife and fork and cutting into his eggs.

With his eyes off of her, Raven ate another half of muffin, but she was watching him out of the corner of her eye. Feeling thirsty as she swallowed, she reached out for the pitcher of orange juice in the center of the table, only for her hand to collide with Robin's, who was reaching for the same thing.

"Sorry," she said, pulling back her hand.

"No worries," he said, his fingers curling around the handle first. Raven found her eyes fixated on his hand as he poured juice into a small cut crystal glass. He lifted it from the table and extended it to her. "Juice?" he asked.

Raven nodded and took the glass from him, reaching for the sides of the glass instead of the bottom at the last minute. When their fingers touched this time, she was ready for it and didn't miss the slight buzz she got from the contact.

She couldn't be sure, but she thought that perhaps his fingers lingered on the glass a bit longer than was strictly necessary, because he didn't release it until her eyes came up to meet his. "Thanks," she told him.

"Sure," he replied, letting go of the glass and busying himself with pouring more juice in another cut crystal glass which he took for himself.

Despite having realized that she was physically attracted to Robin for months, she had never felt such a charged atmosphere between them. Just when she thought she was imagining it, their fingers would brush or their eyes would meet and she'd feel it all over again.

She was three-eighths of the way through her muffin when Robin spoke again.

"I think if we leave right after breakfast, we can stop at that fresh market place you like for lunch before pulling into Jump by 2."

"I thought last time we went there you said that place was out of the way of the main road?" she asked.

"Not too far out of our way," he answered. "Plus, you like it, so…" he shrugged.

"We don't have to –" she started, but he cut her off.

"—Raven." She stopped and looked at him. "Sometimes, it's okay to ask for what you want," he told her seriously. "Even if it's a little out of the way."

Again, there was something about his tone – about the look he gave her – that made her think that perhaps he was talking about more than just going out of their way for lunch. After a moment, he broke their stare and turned back to his breakfast.

She opened her mouth, his name on her lips, even if she didn't know precisely what she wanted to say after it, but stopped when the door onto the terrace opened and Alfred stepped out, carrying a teapot.

She turned to him as he set the pot down. "Thank you," she told him.

"My pleasure," Alfred replied, leaving just as he'd come.

She looked at the teapot and started to pour her tea, her actions automatic, while her mind tried to work out what to say to Robin.

"So, it's settled then," Robin said, watching her as she poured. "we'll stop there for lunch."

Raven took a sip of her tea and savored the aroma with the cup held up before her nose for a moment. "It's not okay if the other person doesn't want what I want." She looked up to find Robin's eyes on her.

"You'll never know if you don't ask," Robin replied, putting the realization he had come to the night before into words for the first time, really.

"What if you lose their friendship for asking?" Raven added.

"Then, it wasn't worth having," Robin replied. He leaned on the table. "Would I lose your friendship, for example, if I asked for something I wanted but that you didn't?"

Raven's heart began racing, feeling that this conversation was no longer about where they would have lunch. She set her teacup down and offered him her full attention. "No," she replied carefully. "Never."

Something tight in Robin's expression eased at her words and he smiled. "Are you certain?" he asked. "You don't want to set conditions on that statement?"

"No conditions," she replied, her voice measured, her eyes steady on his. "Never."

His smile grew into a grin and he leaned even further toward her on the table, stopping when the door into the mansion opened again. They both turned to watch as Bruce Wayne walked onto the terrace.

Robin's eyes flicked to Raven, who had pulled back from the table, leaning against her chair. Robin sighed and leaned back, grabbing a piece of bacon from off his plate. "Good morning, Bruce," he said. "Would you like some orange juice?"

Bruce shook his head. "No thanks. I had breakfast hours ago," he told them as he approached the table, taking the seat across from Robin and to Raven's left. "How did you both sleep?" he asked as he settled in.

"Like a rock," Robin lied smoothly. "As soon as my head hit the pillow, I was out."

"It was all that dancing you did," Bruce teased. "Wore you out."

Robin laughed. "You think I'm that out of shape, old man?" he returned.

Bruce smiled and turned to Raven. "And you, Raven?" he asked.

"Fine," Raven replied. Then, thinking of it, "Thank you for your hospitality," she added.

Bruce quirked his lips. "You're welcome," he replied. "It's a shame you have to go right after breakfast," he said, leaning back in the seat. "I told Dick the Amusement Center at the pier opened up last week for the season, and it's pretty nice."

"Does it have a ferris wheel?" Raven asked.

Bruce raised a brow and glanced at Robin. "Indeed, it does."

"Perhaps we can come back at a later date to see it," Raven said, glancing at Robin.

Robin grinned at her and shrugged. "Whenever you want," he agreed.

"If we wouldn't be an inconvenience," Raven added to Bruce.

Bruce scoffed a laugh. "Please," he waved her concern off. "I have more rooms than I know what to do with in this place, and Alfred loves cooking for everybody but me."

"Only because you never eat anything except oatmeal for breakfast and are rarely home for dinner," Alfred intoned as he walked onto the terrace, handing Bruce a modern looking, compact cell phone. Bruce raised a brow. "The Editor of the Gotham Daily News," Alfred informed him.

"I need to take this," Bruce said, grabbing the phone. "If I don't see you before you leave, it was lovely to have you and I hope to see you again soon," he said to Raven. "And remember to call me next week," he told Robin.

Robin nodded and with a wave, Bruce was gone the way he'd come.

"Next week?" Raven asked, biting into another slice of blueberry muffin.

"Monthly debriefing," Robin told her. "He wanted to do it while I was here, but I told him I didn't have time, so…" he shrugged.

Raven nodded. She could feel Robin watching her again, but she didn't call him on it this time. She washed down the last of her muffin with the last of her orange juice instead.

"So, should we get going?" she asked, wiping at her mouth with her napkin before putting it on the table.

Robin smiled. "I'm ready, just waiting for you," he told her.

She had the fleeting thought that he was talking about something other than leaving the mansion, again, but she didn't question it.

"I'm ready," she said instead and stood.

Robin smiled and, too low for her to hear over the screeching of the chair pushing back on the stone floor as he stood as well, "I hope so."

First Published: 8/22/17