ANSWERING REVIEW/QUESTIONS:
micleff: thanksss, glad you liked it.
CanadianPianoMan: you get some Blainchel this chap. And don't worry, definitely not the last of Blaine. Still a lot of issues to be worked out.
smartblonde317: Haha maybe that would work! But Rachel's parents died when she was two. And I've already worked out how they're going to get together legally (or not, if it pans out), don't you worry about that.
FaberryOTP: I aim to please :p
Fberry: oh yeah! I have, haven't I :p
AlexanderChase: so happy you're enjoying it
babyblue2189: well, I don't know about that. I think elabstracto writes the best smut/plot but that's probably just me fanboying.
lambchopx: thanks hun, looking forward to an update from you as well :)
aquarius127: long reviews are awesome yesiree. I'm looking forward to what's next as well! hahaha Alison is probably going to surprise a lot of you, can't wait.
Loveable Dork: Glad you decided to read instead of going to bed! Nice nice, appreciate. I'm glad I'm able to add a bunch of different elements you guys enjoy as well! ;)
Faberry's-Knight: happy you're happy love.
Mm-Burnt-Toast-mM: you! You're awesome, reviewing every chap. I really appreciate that. And hey, spoiler alert, it will be.
heyahemoarmy: thanks babe
OHBRITTANA: oh definitely! Great experience.
x
every day it's like, the same old question
do I have to stay?
x
Sometimes Rachel wondered what it would be like if the incident had never happened. She imagines that the distance that spanned longer than twelve football fields between her and Quinn would have only expanded.
She had the distinct feeling that if she had never been assaulted, Quinn would still be denying their love.
And that thought—the notion of being without Quinn made her ache. Often times, when her girlfirend wasn't paying attention or was doing something, anything, even as mundane as chewing gum, Rachel would watch her with reverent eyes.
She loved kissing the almost invisible freckle that dotted high cheekbones; would occasionally trace smooth skin with the tips of her fingers and think, What would I be without her?
Of course, she usually squashed that thought seconds after it'd come. Rachel knew who she would be with or without Quinn. She was Rachel Fabray, young ingénue and future Broadway star. That wouldn't change whether she had Quinn or not.
But sometimes it scared her how much she was willing to give up for Quinn. Being with her sister...it easily rivaled her love for the stage when she was growing up. Quinn was everything to her.
Everything.
Beautiful, charming, sweet, soft, loving. Such cliches usually sickened Rachel, but she wanted them to skip hand-n-hand through praises and dandelions, dedicate contrived love songs to each other, and buy matching calendars for godsakes.
It was kind of embarrassing how gooey Rachel felt inside when she was with Quinn. Her girlfriend was wonderful. Always patient, saint like.
A proverbial halo might as well lay slanted atop a blonde head. The adoration and longing Rachel could see floating in those eyes as she silently struggled because of that night saved her on more than one occasion.
The glow that her sister illuminated could light up an entire room.
And right now, she needed that.
Because forgetting your nightmares is easier when you're shrouded in light.
x
Rachel tapped her heeled foot against the pew in front of her in a slow, deliberate manner. She looked on vacantly as Father Andrew shook hands with her father and hugged her mother. The only thing that occasionally came into focus was the silver cross dangling from his neck.
Softly worn hands rested atop her crossed ones and a whisper of her name nearly separated her from her skin.
Her lips curled up into a minuscule smile as her breathing steadied and Quinn's face came into view. She gently squeezed the blonde's hands between her own. "Q."
Quinn pursed her lips and Rachel's smile softened.
"Why are you sitting here alone?" Glancing towards the front of the church, confusion marred Quinn's features as she squinted at their parents. "Something the matter?"
Rachel sighed as she rolled her shoulders before squeezing Quinn's hand again and standing to smooth out her dress. Her hands came up to rest on her stomach, "It's just this-" she gestured around them at the sea of pastel dresses and flowery hats, "-makes me a tad bit uncomfortable."
She lowered her gaze just in time to catch her sister's expression; Quinn stared up at her wordlessly, her mouth open just the smallest bit. It was cute, borderline adorable, and Rachel wanted nothing more than to kiss her lips closed again.
Kiss Quinn. Get carried away and fist my hand in her hair. Be torn away. Be thrown away. Both of us? Both, yes. I get to keep Quinn and we move to an apa-
At any rate, she refrained, the hairs on the back of her neck standing up as she imagined the repercussions. The moment was gone and Quinn was studying her with all the concern of a big sister.
"What do you mean, Rae?" Quinn's head tilted to the left.
Rachel avoided looking at the statue of the Savior high above the alter. She felt its eyes, knew it loomed over them; his face bowed much like Quinn's. Trying to take in the bad so that others might go about unburdened. Would he take in her wrongs? Were her actions so bad they couldn't be excused?
She was pulled from her thoughts when she felt her sister's fingers encircle hers; she didn't even realize Quinn had stood. Rachel peered up at the blonde with hazy eyes before lowering
her gaze and shrugging, "Nothing."
Quinn went to respond only to falter when she heard a loud, "Yoo-hoo, girls! Quinn! Rachel!"
They jumped at the shrill call. A grimace settled on Quinn's face at the interruption of their quiet conversation. Her frown deepened as she swiveled slit amber eyes towards the offending party before slowly rolling them.
Well, what do you know- it was Mrs. Mary Lou fucking Hargrove, resident Queen Bitch of St. Charles. Armed with judgmental sneers laced in enough honey to drown a bee.
Just great.
Huffing low, Quinn wiggled her fingers as a silent indicator to Rachel that they needed to ease up—the intimate way their fingers were laced was…telling. She sighed a little when she saw her sister's eyes darken to a rich brown before the girl stepped to the side, letting go of her hand completely before wiping invisible lint off her dress.
Quinn's shoulders sagged, her heart deflating at the loss of contact only to jump back to life when Rachel clasped their palms back together in a simple hold. The comforting squeeze of their hands allowed her to relax as Mary Lou skipped in front of them.
"Oh, don't you girls look absolutely charming! Especially you, Quinn! So beautiful—so happy to see that you've finally gotten rid of those atrocious baggy jeans and polo's. You look like a proper lady now."
A jolt of insecurity flowed through her as Alison's words returned full force. Quinn's head dipped towards the floor as she shifted uncomfortably.
Beside her, she could hear the click of Rachel's tongue as the girl's grip on her hand tightened. Rachel shot Mary-Lou a chagrined glare as her lips curved up into a sickly sweet smile, "Oh Mrs. Hargrove—oh, sorry, I mean Ms— I keep forgetting that you and Carl got divorced; when was that? Two months ago? Oh, golly gee, how are you doing, Ms.Hargrove? It must be awkward picking up Emily from elementary school; I hear that young teacher is still working there—do you ever run into Carl when he's visiting Ms. Thomas on her lunch break?"
The corners of Quinn's lips pulled up into a small smile at those words as her head gradually rose; she stifled a laugh at the look of shock and indignation on Mary Lou's face before squeezing Rachel's hand in thanks and smiling genuinely.
"Yes, Mrs—uh, Ms. Hargrove," her girlfriends sudden giggle made her grin a bit, "I just wanted to try a new look."
Mary Lou shot Rachel an irate glare before smiling facetiously at Quinn, "That's nice to hear, Hun. I'm sure you'll Russell and Judy will be proud to see at least one of their children dressing respectably; I'm sure you'll be able to find a nice boyfriend now—Rachel, dear, are you still dating that mohawked boy? I heard he got arrested last month—poor child."
Rachel released a droll laugh as her lips twisted into deliberate smile, "Oh, Ms. Hargrove, I'm so glad you brought that up. Noah and I have gone our separate ways and I've devoted myself fully to the Lord Jesus Christ and our father, God. I've let go of my sinful ways and have set out to become a proper Christian woman. Like yourself, of course."
Quinn quickly lost her smile; she shifted uncomfortably and glanced back towards the ground—the mocking inflection in Rachel's words was not lost on her. She didn't really know how she felt about her girlfriend blatantly poking fun at something she truly believed in.
She palmed the back of her neck before biting her lip; then again, Quinn didn't really mind that much.
Sure, it made her feel awkward but at the same time it—it excited her. And she certainly hadn't of minded last night when her baby sister was on top of her, palming her—her buddy while whispering shockingly filthy, sacrilegious words into her ear.
A small shroud of shame clouded her eyes; she really should learn how to work on that unwavering, violent need to cum whenever heretical murmurs fell from Rachel's lips.
Her ears perked up as she focused back in on the conversation, "That sounds nice dear but—you seem to spend an awful lot of time with the St. James boy—alone.
A stone settled in Quinn's stomach as she swallowed thickly; even though she knew Rachel was hers, it still bothered her when people would even insinuate or—or fabricate a relationship with Rachel and some boy.
She sighed, shuffling a bit closer to Rachel as her sister answered in the same cheerfully condescending tone as before, "Ms. Hargrove!I cannot believe you would even—Jesse and I are simply studying our Bibles together; you can never read the bible too much."
Rachel tapped her cheek, "Here—I'll prove it—Jesse! Come here."
From the crowd of pastels and baby blues suddenly emerged an immaculately dressed figure.
Quinn rolled her eyes at the sight of that damn smirk sitting upon Jesse's lips. She and the coiffed boy may have come to small agreement last night but that didn't mean she wanted to deal with him right now. Quinn understood that both the St. James and the Fabray's family had been attending the same church for years so it was inevitable that she'd run into him but still— she wasn't comfortable with him around Rachel, at all.
"You called, love?"
Her mood dampened— she especially didn't like it when he'd address her girlfriend like that. Or the way his eyes traced the girl.
If Rachel noticed the change in her demeanor, she didn't comment as she stepped forward to wrap Jesse up in a one-armed hug. Her sister set back on her heels and smiled sweetly up at the boy.
"I was just telling Ms. Hargrove about the time we spend together."
Jesse smirked cheekily at Mary Lou, "You mean the time we spend studying our bibles?"
Quinn rolled her eyes again. Yeah—she definitely didn't like it.
After leaving Jesse to deal with the hag, Rachel and Quinn entered the bathroom to fix their makeup.
The girl in question stared into the mirror, squinting in slight annoyance as she attempted to fix her smudged eyeliner with the pad of her pinky. Quinn sat on the sink next to her, the ends of her white sundress splayed out as the girl swung her crossed legs back and forth.
Biting her lip to hold back a smile at her sister's antics, Rachel leaned back, setting her palms on the edges of the sink as she tilted her head towards Quinn and smirked wearily.
"Another wonderful Sunday at St. Charles Catholic Church. Praise."
Quinn sighed before sliding off the sink adjacent her and flattening down the dress. Rachel raked her eyes over her sister appreciatively before catching Quinn's eye.
Her sister was frowning; "Could you try and be more respectful, Rach?"
Dark eyes rolled in light amusement; she invaded her sister's personal space and gazed up at her, an impish smile playing on her lips as she whispered a soft, "Sure, honey, I could try. But what fun would that be?" before inclining her head upwards so that she could kiss her cheek.
Pale cheeks quickly became shaded in red. Rachel smiled gently as she raised a hand to
Quinn's jaw and dragged her thumb along the soft skin. She smiled reverently at the blonde.
Quinn swallowed hard at the look, her hands bracing against the bar of the sink as her brow furrowed in concern, "Is something the matter, Rae?"
Rachel froze at the repeated question, her eyes momentarily flicking to Quinn's neck before slowly trailing back up. She smiled the same as before.
"Nothing."
"Baby," Rachel blinked at the endearment, easily hearing the worry in Quinn's voice; she tilted her head up and met concerned eyes, "Don't lie to me. I can tell something's wrong."
She sagged a little under her girlfriend's intense stare before giving up all pretenses and slumping against Quinn's form. Rachel sighed as she buried her nose into her sister's neck, "Just tired. Missing you."
Missing me.
"I'm right here, sweetheart," Quinn's chest rumbled as the blonde held her close, "I'm not going anywhere. I thought I told you before, I could never leave you."
Nodding a bit, Rachel gripped the back of Quinn's dress tightly before releasing the material and leaning up to kiss pale lips.
Quinn didn't pull away exactly but Rachel could tell by the way amber eyes shifted that a kiss wouldn't exactly be welcomed as of right now.
Bottom lip jutting out, she pouted at her sister, "Kiss me..."
"I—someone could come in, Rae," Quinn murmured as her eyes softened.
Rachel exhaled gently before cupping the sides of Quinn's face, "Let them see—we'd probably be doing them a favor. All that catholic repression would all but disappear at the sight of us."
Quinn chuckled as she stroked the back of Rachel's head, "Probably," she started, her tone warm, "But I don't want to give anyone the ammo they need to take you away from me."
Rachel heart clenched; she bowed her head as she slid her hands from Quinn's face and down to the tops of the dress, "I just...I just really need you to kiss me right now."
A minute passed and Rachel glanced up to catch the troubled expression that crossed her sister's face. She yelped a little when Quinn firmly grasped her waist and picked her up. Her arms fully wrapped around the blonde, heart pounding unevenly as Quinn began walking them to the bathroom stall.
Quinn's kicked back to slam the door shut as they entered the stall before gently setting her on her feet and turning to lock the door.
After making sure everything was safe, Quinn pivoted towards her and cupped her cheek, "I'll take care of you, Rae," was breathed against her cheek before soft lips descended onto hers.
Rachel's eyes closed as she fell into Quinn with the taste of candied honey on her tongue.
x
x
x
"Where have you two been?"
"Praying," Rachel replied flippantly, automatically,as she kept her gaze trained elsewhere and played with her fingers behind her back. Skeptical blue eyes scrutinized their forms. Judy could probably tell by the slight wrinkles in their dresses and the guilty flush of their cheeks that they hadn't been praying.
However, Rachel wasn't too worried. She doubted her mother would be able to guess what they had actually been up to.
They-being her mother, Quinn and she-stood outside the Church on bright green grass, waiting for their father to finish up talking to several colleagues that just happened to attend the same church as him.
"Praying?"
Rachel could hear the doubtful inflection in her mother's tone; her head rose and she met Judy's eye before nodded firmly, "Yes. Praying. It's important in maintaining a close relationship with God. You know that, mother."
Beside her, Quinn squirmed awkwardly, scratching the back of her head uncomfortably as she fiddled with the zipper of her jacket. The hard on she had been sporting moments before slowly began to deflate at their mother's sharp gaze and inquiries.
Nothing killed boners quite like your mom.
"Oh..." Judy continued eyeing them skeptically before shaking her head, "Well, come on then, Father Andrew wants to say goodbye to the both of you."
Rachel went to nod only to freeze when she caught sight of someone she hadn't expected to see in a while. From the corner of her eye she spotted the faint outline of a face she couldn't forget even if she wanted to.
"Actually, mother, I; a friend of mine just arrived and I need to discuss something with him."
Judy huffed and Quinn turned to stare at her puzzled, her eyes basically asking her what was up.
"Rachel—"
"I know, mom, you don't have to say anything," Rachel quietly interrupted, her eyes trained unwavering on the boy across the church, "But I promise you that this is important and I wouldn't skip out on talking to Father Andrew unless I needed to."
Judy continued to stare at her in annoyance and apprehension before conceding, "Fine..." the older blonde reluctantly murmured before shaking her head again, "but we're talking about this later, honey. Come on, Quinnie—let's leave Rachel to her friend."
"You go ahead, mom," Quinn muttered, still eyeing Rachel curiously, "I'll just be a sec."
After a moment's hesitation, Judy sighed before walking away, leaving the two girls alone.
Quinn stuck fisted palms into the pocket of her McKinley letterman and pursed her lips as she stepped closer to Rachel.
She silently surveyed her sister before her face screwed up in concern; "What's going on with you, babe?" Quinn followed Rachel's line of sight and frowned when she saw who her girlfriend was staring at so intensely, "Who is that kid?"
Rachel flicked her tongue against her lips before tilting her head up towards her; empty chestnut eyes settled on her face, "Go talk to Father Andrew, Quinn."
Quinn gritted her teeth as her shoulders hunched and tensed, "Not until you tell me what's up—did—did I do something wrong last night?"
Her sister turned towards her with a startled expression; her mouth opened a bit before the girl swallowed and took a deep breath. Rachel's gaze softened as she stared at Quinn meaningfully, "No, of course not, baby. Last night was perfect. I just-I'm sure the Father is missing you, Quinn. I'll be okay-just give me a few minutes."
Quinn's jaw clenched, "I don't like this, Rachel," her eyes flickered back towards the boy; she glared at him accusingly, "You've been acting weird all day and now some random guy shows up and you suddenly need to talk to him."
Soft fingers suddenly trailed along her jaw—Quinn glowered as she focused back on Rachel, "I just want to know you're okay, Rae."
Rachel's lips curved into a light smile, "I am okay, Quinn," the brunette started, conviction in her tone, "I just need to converse privately with a friend."
She frowned, "And nothing's wrong?"
Rachel bit her bottom lip before nodding diminutively, "There's nothing wrong, baby-now go."
"But, Rachel—"
"Go, Quinn. Please."
Quinn sighed before grumbling, "Okay."
She observed her girlfriend with a sad glint in her eye before leaning down to swiftly peck Rachel's cheek; she carefully glanced from side to side before relaxing when she didn't detect any eyes on them.
Quinn peeked behind her every few seconds as she skulked off, per Rachel's instruction. Her lips curved down.
She shook her head, annoyed and wondered, not for the first time, if Rachel would ever fully let her in.
x
Rachel held her breath as Quinn strode away, her eyes trained on the retreating back before she exhaled and straightened her shoulders. Directing her attention back to the boy, she smoothed out her dress once more before walking towards him.
When she stopped several steps away from the boy, her mouth pulled up into a tremulous but genuine smile as she carefully addressed him.
"Hi, Blaine."
x
He looked good.
Other than that cast on his arm, his appearance was void of any indication of a scuffle. His hair, which had been gelled back the last time she saw him, was free and bushy; but other than that, nothing had really changed.
Except for his eyes. Eyes that had once been full of hope and joy were drained; she noted the slight crinkle in his brow, the worn skin around his mouth. He looked like she often felt when she had a moment to herself and the buzzing fear from that night returned full force.
Swallowing, Rachel tread carefully as she approached the boy. Blaine's eyes were downcast and he was fiddling with the button of his suit coat. She smiled at the small sign of anxiety.
"You're at my church;" she stopped a few steps away from him and wrung her fingers together, "planning on switching to Catholicism?"
Blaine's lips curled up into a small smile at the attempted joke as his head rose. His smile disappeared when he remembered why he was there.
The bushy haired boy cleared his throat, "I came to...to apologize."
Rachel instantly bristled as she glanced off towards the side uncomfortably, "For coming to my church? I can assure you, it's quite alright."
"N-no, not for that. For—"
"Blaine," her voice was subdued, "you really don't have-"
"Please!"
Rachel flinched at the shouted word; she cautiously looked around to see if anyone noticed the outburst as she awkwardly rubbed her arm, "It's" it wasn't okay; "...it wasn't your fault."
Not really.
Mossy green eyes gleamed wetly, "I'm sorry. So sorry." Blaine mumbled as he wiped at his face uselessly; tears began streaming down his face, "I never would have-if they didn't-I'm so sorry."
Apologies aren't going to help her sleep better at night.
Rachel crossed her arms tightly as her voice cooled and her expression smoothed, "It doesn't change the fact that it happened. Or-or didn't happen—whatever. It's in the past."
Silence stretched between them; a tentative question broke the stillness, "Have you...told anyone?"
Rachel's jaw clenched, "No." her tone was indignant and brooked no room for argument. The urge to flee settled upon her the longer she scowled at the boy.
Blaine chewed on his bottom lip nervously, "I've...I've been seeing a therapist," he reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a worn piece of paper, "She helps. It-it helps."
"Blaine—"
"It's never going to get better if you don't talk to someone about it."
She fell quiet at those words; Rachel glowered as she glared at the ground and clenched her fist, "I'm-I'm fine."
Blaine chuckled low, "I thought I was too," he sniffled, "It turns out you're fine-until you're not."
Rachel's lip curved down; she barely noticed his approach until he was in front of her, holding out the piece of paper. She held in a flinch as her fingers grazed his when she took the card.
She breathed a little easier when he moved away.
Her bottom lip wobbled as she stared down at the information before dragging her eyes up his form, "I was going to-Jesse and I were going to come see you."
The boy smiled a little, wiping at his wet face once more, "You didn't have to. You don't have to. I'll understand if I never saw either of you again. I didn't get the role, after all and...I wouldn't have blamed you."
He nodded towards her before slumping forward and frowning off to the side. Blaine walked about two steps away and before she could comprehend what she was doing, she found herself calling out to him, "Wait!"
Taking a deep, indecisive breath, Rachel pulled her phone out and handed it to him, "Here; program your number into it."
Blaine hesitantly took the phone and looked at it in confusion before glancing back up at her brokenly, "Why?"
She laughed weakly, "So you can call me sometime, dummy. We...we theatre kids have to stick together."
"Rachel, I-"
"I don't blame you, Blaine; not really. So you shouldn't either."
Nodding slightly, Blaine sniffled again as he tapped in a few keys before handing the phone back. She took it quickly and placed it back in her cardigan pocket. Rachel smiled at the boy as gently as she could manage before turning away.
"Rachel...it really does help talking to someone about it."
Rachel heard the words but didn't acknowledge them as she wrapped her arms around herself and walked away.
x
x
x
Quinn tapped her foot impatiently as she leaned against her parents car. Russell stood next to her twirling Judy around playfully as they waited for Rachel to finish up with her friend. Her lips pulled down in a frown as she stared off into the distance, unease slithering through her as the minutes ticked by.
Where could Rachel be?
It had already been ten minutes and Quinn could feel herself growing more and more anxious.
That look on her baby sister's face...
Her mood picked up considerably when she caught sight of her girlfriend walking towards them.
A bright smile appeared on her face as she pushed up and off the car. She went to cheerfully greet her sister only to falter when she saw the haunted expression.
Throat seizing, Quinn rushed over to the younger girl but stopped short when dull chestnut eyes landed on her.
Frowning, she slowly slid her fingers down her sister's forearm until she reached the girl's palm and curled their hands together.
"Babe?" she whispered quietly. Her sister sniffled. Quinn's face fell as a tear slid down Rachel's cheek.
Her body moved on its own accord as the second tear made its descent; she pulled Rachel into her arms and held her tightly, "Sweetheart."
She could hear her parents approach them from behind but didn't dare move a muscle as
Rachel slumped against her form and began sobbing.
"Oh-hey-Rachel, princess, what's wrong?" Russell settled a comforting hand on Quinn's shoulder and turned them towards him. The sandy haired blonde frowned as he looked between them, "What's the matter?"
Quinn hugged Rachel closer to her as the girl removed her head from her shoulder to stare up at Russell tearfully.
Those doe eyes spilled over with unrelenting tears as Rachel held a closed fist up to her mouth and choked out, "Daddy."
Russell's brows pinched together, "Baby-girl, I can't fix it if you don't tell me what's wrong," he slid an arm around Rachel's waist, right above Quinn's hold.
Rachel squeezed her eyes shut as she buried her head into Quinn's neck, "Daddy. Daddy, I can't stop thinking about it. The nightmares won't go away-I need help, daddy. I need help."
Quinn's heart shattered at the broken angel in her arms, her hold becoming almost constrictive as she bit her lip and looked helplessly at her father, "Dad..."
The older man's face steeled; Quinn could see that mask of strength slipping into place.
"You're going to be okay, sweetheart," he rubbed the brunette's back slowly, "I promise you;
you're going to be okay. We're going to get you help. You're going to be okay."
Quinn wanted to believe him. Not just for Rachel's sake, but for her own. She didn't know what she would do if Rachel ended up broken beyond repair.
The problem was that she could hear the doubt, could tell by the slight quiver in Russell's voice that he wasn't even sure of what he was saying.
But more than anything, she wanted to trust in her father's words.
Because the alternative would be too much to handle.
x
every night you let a little Death in
you hold him and hear him say...
x
A/N: lyrics by Duncan Sheik. Wonderful, wonderful man. Hope you enjoyed! Drop me a question/review :)