Author Notes: Thank you everyone for your comments, I really appreciate your all still being here on this rollercoaster journey. I keep thinking we're getting closer to the end and then it feels like it's a long way off, again. I'm really not sure when this one will end, but I anticipate it won't be much longer. A few more chapters. For anyone waiting for my other stories, I'm trying to get this one finished asap so I can focus on the others. Though I will no doubt update Lullaby this week. On to the next one...

"How do you feel about seeing your daughter?"

Jane picked at her cuticles. She could feel the therapist's eyes on her. He did that when he wanted an answer and she had opted out. She didn't know if she had an answer to his question. She felt...something. She just didn't know what, or how to put the feeling into words.

"Okay." He paused for dramatic effect, or that's what Jane suspected he did it for, anyway. She'd had enough sessions with him to pick up his cues, to know when he was playing her to get something more. Some days she played ball, others she watched with mild curiosity. "What can you tell me about your daughter?"

She closed her eyes. She tried to visualise Maggie. Instead she saw Amelia; her tiny - too tiny - face that never lit up. She swallowed a lump in her throat.

"Nothing."

"Nothing at all?"

She shook her head.

"What memories do you have that may be attached to her, in some way?"

She breathed in, then out slowly. Reliving moments made her heart ache. She wasn't ready for more of it. "The first time I zoned out for a long time was the night she was born."

"Zoned out?"

"One minute I was somewhere and the next minute I was somewhere else, only it wasn't the next minute, it was hours later, and Maura had to give birth without me."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Guilty." She ran her finger across the edge of her eyelid, capturing tears before they could fall. "Relieved."

"I understand why you would feel guilty. You love your wife. Everything you've talked about suggests she loves you just as much. You're a team. But why relieved?"

"Every single visit to the hospital I felt like my chest had shrunk and my lungs had grown. The classes, the appointments, the scans: I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't tell Maura."

"Why not?"

"I agreed to us trying to have another child."

"Did you want another child?"

Crossing one leg over the other, Jane turned toward the door. She twisted herself as far round as she could get and stared across the room. "No."

"No?"

"I wanted Maura to have another child. She started asking a year before we went ahead. I said it was too soon. We waited. She asked again six months later. I put it off again. Eventually I said yes."

"Why did you say yes?"

"I wanted to make Maura happy. She's a mother. She's so natural at being a mother. She spent a couple years recovering after she lost her speech when Toby was born. Then we lost Amelia. I wanted her to have a dream baby."

The therapist narrowed his eyes. "From everything you've told me, you don't want another child, but you love your wife so much that you said you would have one, for her. Despite the fact it was virtually impossible to be in the hospital without feeling anxiety."

"I didn't want another child."

"Has that changed?"

"I don't know." She picked at her cuticles again. "She's here. She exists; whether I want her or not. I didn't carry her, but she's my biological daughter. I owe it to her to try."

"You didn't want another child, but you agreed to it for your wife. You don't know if you want your daughter, but you owe it to her to try to be her mother. You've talked a lot in our sessions about doing things for other people. What about yourself? What does Jane need?"

"I don't need anything."

"Evidently, you do." He paused, his eyes still fixed on Jane. "We don't fully understand mental health in the same way we understand, say, a broken leg. But it looks to me like you've done a lot of considering others, and somewhere along the way your brain decided that wasn't the right thing for you."

She sat upright. "You're saying I caused this?"

"No. That's not what I'm saying. Your brain is a precious commodity. You've formed this picture of your life. You're the hero. It's maybe why you chose a career in law enforcement. You could save people. You saved lives. You made the people you loved happy. But at what expense? When your brain told you you didn't want something, you fought against it. The brain can only withstand a certain level of incongruence. Maybe you said yes one too many times."

Jane scowled. "Still sounds like you're saying I made this happen."

"Subconsciously, maybe." He leaned forward. "We can't control what fits and doesn't fit with our concept of the world. When our actions fight what we need, they can cause damage. Not because we've made it happen, but because we're powerless to stop it."

"So, what do I do?"

"That's a question only you can answer." He checked his watch. "Your daughter will be here in a couple of hours. What can you do to make the meeting run smoothly?"

"I don't know."

"Last week you told me what it felt like to hold your son for the first time, how happy it made you feel, how proud you were of his existence. Perhaps there's some peace to be found in the one child you don't have any guilt towards."

x

Although she had the whole house to herself, barring the children, Maura still hid in the laundry room. She sat on the floor against the back wall, watching the spin of the front load washer. It was already a quarter to one and she would have to leave soon if she wanted to make it to the clinic with Maggie. Instead she pushed tear after tear from her cheeks.

"Mommy!" Toby shouted. His voice grew closer until the door banged opened.

Maura straightened up. Busted. She made a mental note to find a new hiding spot. She lowered her head in an attempt to disguise the tears.

"Are you crying again?"

She lifted her head, nodded, and forged a smile. "I'm okay."

He walked over and sat down opposite her. "That's what I say when I don't want you to know that I'm sad."

"I know," she said, leaning forward and cupping his cheek. "But you don't need to worry about me, Toby. It's my job to worry about you, not the other way around."

"Are you crying because of Mama?" he asked, scooting forward until their knees touched.

"I'm crying because I want your Mama to be okay, which she will be, but until then I will cry a little."

"That's okay," he said, reaching out with his arms. Maura leaned forward and scooped him up into her arms, lifting him onto her lap. "I will too."

"You're such a good boy," Maura said, kissing his head. "I love you. You know that, don't you?"

"You love me," he said, sitting back a little. "Mama loves me. Ashley loves me. Nonna loves me. Everyone loves me."

"They do," she said. "You're our special little boy."

He pressed his lips together and stared up into her eyes. "Mommy?"

"Yes, Toby?"

"You don't have to tell me you're okay to make me feel better."

She ran her fingers through his hair. "Okay."

"Mommy, can I come to the hospital to see Mama?"

"I'm sorry, Toby," she said. "Today it's Maggie's turn. She gets an extra special visit because Mama hasn't seen her in a while."

"Can I go tomorrow?"

"Of course."

x

The baby sunk into Jane's arms the second Maura lowered her into them. When she didn't move from their side, Jane nodded and Maura stepped back. She stared down at her daughter. She was as much a stranger now as she was the day she was born. Jane ran her fingers across the top of her head. She'd lost the hair she vaguely remembered her having shortly after being born. It was shorter now, thinner, and as soft as a kitten.

"Hi," she whispered.

She was at a loss for words; at a loss for knowing what to do next. She could feel Maura still watching them, and didn't anticipate that would change until Maggie was safely back in her own arms.

She looked up to her wife. "I don't know what it's supposed to feel like."

"What what is supposed to feel like?"

"I, I don't know." She scrunched up her nose. "Being a mother."

"You do fine with Toby."

"Toby's different."

"How?" Maura asked.

"He just is," she said. She glanced back down to Maggie. Her eyes were open, watching her; deep grey-blue eyes. Jane didn't recognise them. "I know who Toby is."

"You'll know Maggie, one day."

She ran a finger across her chubby cheek. Her skin felt like silk. The baby wriggled a little, screaming out various different nonsensical sounds. The volume made her jump, pushed adrenaline rushing through her body. She took in a long, deep breath, then let it out again.

"It's okay," Maura said, dragging her chair closer. She reached a hand out and cupped the top of Maggie's head. "Why don't you calm down a little bit for your Mama?"

"It's fine, Maura," Jane said. The words tasted bitter on her tongue. She'd used them one too many times. They'd lost their meaning, and both of them knew it. "Maybe you should take her home."

"It's only been five minutes." She gripped Jane's fingers and held them there, still cupping Maggie's head. "You can do this, Jane. Look at you, you're holding her. You're here, you're doing this. You've got this."

"But I don't know who she is." She lowered her eyes to Maggie's toes. "I don't know if I want to."

Maura's fingers slipped from Jane's. She sunk back against the plastic chair. Jane kept her head down but lifted her eyes, conscious of the words she'd just thrown out there; haphazardously, with little care or attention for how they may make Maura feel.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm trying to be honest. I want everything to be okay so bad, but I don't know how to fix this feeling in the pit of my stomach."

The glazed expression on Maura's face slipped away. "Maybe I should take Maggie."

"Okay." She frowned. "You didn't correct me."

"No."

She lifted her arms across to Maura. The baby lay in them, her eyes fixed on Jane's, her fingers wrapped tightly around her thumb. Somehow in the last few minutes, despite Jane's reservations, Maggie had found her mother.

"Wait," she said, tucking her back against the crook of her arm. She settled there against her chest. "Maura."

"Yes?" she asked, though her voice broke up.

"I don't know how to do this, and I'm scared that if I can't love Maggie the way I should, then we won't be able to get through this."

Maura leaned her head back. She closed her eyes and stared up at the ceiling. Jane watched her squeeze her eyes tightly shut. She wanted desperately to pull her into her arms. The baby in her arms was the only thing stopping her.

"That scares me too," Maura said, lowering her head and wiping at the end of her nose. She reached her hand out to Maggie's face and trailed a finger across her features. "She is part of you. Every time I look at her I see you in her face. I promise you that I will do everything within my power to make sure that you come back to her."

A silence washed over them until they sat comfortably together. Jane turned her attention back to the baby. Her fingers wrapped around the end of her hair. She smiled down at her. Maggie lifted her head up and stared across at Maura. She kicked her legs out in front of her.

"She likes to sit," Maura said.

Jane shifted the baby in her arms, resting her arm around her back until she was sat up. She turned her and wrapped her hands instinctively around her chest.

"How does that feel?"

"It's not a miracle fix," Jane whispered.

"I didn't expect it to be."

"Ashley's still not come to see me," she said.

"She went back to work today." Maura reached out and Maggie gripped her finger, tugging it towards her mouth. "She'll come round. She's dealing with a lot."

"She hasn't even been in once."

"I think she wants to, she's just scared."

"Will you tell her I want to see her?"

"She knows, but I'll tell her again."

Jane pressed her lips to Maggie's head. She closed her eyes, and breathed in the distinct baby smell that still lingered on her skin. She breathed into the wave of sadness that consumed her.

"I'd forgotten what babies smelled like."

"It's intoxicating," Maura said. Her lips curved at the corners.

"Did Amelia ever smell like this?"

Maura pressed her lips together. "I don't know."

"Do you think Maggie would be here if Amelia hadn't died?"

Maura's chest rose. Her lips formed a circle as she let out a long, slow breath. "I don't, I, I like to believe that she would be."

"I'm sorry," Jane said. She lifted the baby off her lap and thrust her into Maura's arms. She stood and walked over to the window. She stared out at the afternoon sun, shining down on the grounds of the clinic.

"Jane," Maura's voice followed her to the window. She turned, conscious of the baby, but she wasn't in her arms. She glanced across the room where Maggie sat in her car seat, kicking her legs out in front of her.

Maura rested her hand on her shoulder. Jane covered it with her own. "I've never experienced a normal birth."

"No. Even Toby's birth was difficult."

"I don't know what it's like to have a child that you want so desperately, and then see them be born, and hold them, and love them from that moment they come out. I don't know how to love her. I want to. But every child I've loved, it's been complicated. I don't know how to fight that."

"What you're feeling is perfectly normal," Maura said, slipping her hand around Jane's back. "They make it seem like you're going to love your child just because you've given birth to them. That's not true. I didn't know who Maggie was the day she was born. I don't know a lot about her now. Yes, I love her. But did I love her the first time I saw her? I don't know that I did. I knew that I felt a connection; I knew I wanted to protect her. But the earth-shattering, only-a-mother-can-feel-it love? I don't know if that exists at the very beginning."

"But I should feel something, shouldn't I?"

"You're taking a lot of medication," Maura said. "It can impair how you feel. It's going to take time."

"I want to get past this."

"I know you do. How did it feel holding her?"

Jane took a deep breath and delved deep inside of herself. She searched for the feeling she felt when Maura placed Maggie into her arms. "It felt like the world was a little bit easier. I don't know how to explain it. I've been ill for so long. I think you don't always realise how ill you are until you start to get better."

"Do you feel like you're starting to get better?"

"I don't know." She shrugged. "But I feel like she's the light I've been looking for. She's a reason to do this. I know I have you and Toby and Ashley. I know you're a reason. You all know my history. You all know my pain. Maggie doesn't know anything yet, she's this little blank canvas and I think she's why I need to get better."

"Jane." Maura stepped closer. She cupped her cheeks, glanced down at her lips, then stared up into her eyes.

"Yeah?"

"That sounds like love to me."

Author Note: This one hurt my heart to write. It could have been worse. I nearly had Jane tell Maura that she didn't want Maggie. But I decided against it. It was feeling too sad, too hopeless. I had to find some hope from somewhere. Thanks for reading.