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25. Needing

Sarah was grinning at her best friend and roommate Jennifer, who insisted on being called Jen. They were both sitting on their beds with their legs crossed and Sarah was bouncing up and down a bit. Dave had just called her to remind her of the party that night. So he hadn't forgotten what he'd blurted out the night before. He wanted her to come to the party at his dorm and he wanted to sneak upstairs with her. She'd asked immediately if Jen could come too, and he'd told her the more the merrier.

"So you're actually going to do it?" Jen asked her.

Sarah ran a hand through her long dark locks and bit her lip. Dave really was a catch. He was handsome and had an amazing body. And he was nice. She wasn't looking for a long-term commitment just yet but Dave made her feel good and she felt that at almost nineteen, she was ready to have sex. Aside from Jen, none of her friends knew she was still a virgin. She was very outgoing and flirty so everyone just assumed she had 'experience'. She never corrected them and just rolled with it, teasing boys whenever she had the chance and pretending to be in the know.

She was careful though and made sure she was never found in a situation that might become dangerous. Her biological mother's fate and her adoptive mother's job had been warning enough. That was why she wanted Jen to be at the party too, to keep an eye out. Jen was bringing a date, since she'd really hit it off with the guy she had been out with the night before, and Sarah was looking forward to meeting him.

"Tyler may look like a nerd sometimes but he's a great kisser," Jen told her. "And when he takes his glasses off, you can really see how beautiful his eyes are. And he's smart too."

Sarah could tell that her friend was excited about Tyler. So the guy wore glasses and a tie. That wasn't what was most important. The kissing on the other hand …

"So is he aggressive or exploring when he kisses you?" Sarah asked, remembering how Dave could get a little rough with her when they were kissing.

"I'd say exploring," Jen said, touching her lips with her fingers. "But passionate. Not hesitant. Not at all. Nothing wrong with his confidence in that area."

"Awesome," Sarah said and both girls giggled. "We should compare more notes after tonight."

Jen wasn't a virgin anymore but her first time had been a mistake as she called it. Fortunately, it had been during a vacation in a different state, so she'd never seen the guy again. She hadn't gone past second base since but she knew it would only be a matter of time.

"I'm not sure if Tyler wants to move that fast," Jen told her.

"Would you, if he wanted it?"

"Maybe."

They both giggled again and agreed that they absolutely needed to go shopping for new outfits. They wanted to look beautiful for their dates and they were looking forward to the night ahead of them, eager to know what it would bring.

…

Ah f… ehm, shoot!"

Elliot managed to swallow the swear word just in time and glanced at his granddaughter, who was still working on her homework diligently. Olivia wasn't answering her phone. Now why would she do that? They had agreed that he'd call her. Her stubbornness was infuriating and he instantly felt like he had gone back in time. She still managed to get to him by something as simple as not answering her phone. She could get to him because there was an entire world of unspoken words behind their actions. He just didn't understand why she couldn't simply pick up and tell him what was wrong. Maybe she had reconsidered and didn't want to meet him after all. He tensed up at the thought. No. He hadn't misread her. She had missed him too, and while he understood that she wasn't going to just forgive and forget, he knew there was still something there between them. He sighed and Catherine finally looked at him.

"What's wrong grandpa?"

"Olivia isn't answering her phone."

"Do you want me to call Noah? To see if he knows what she's up to?"

Elliot frowned but for lack of a better idea, he said yes. He watched his granddaughter call her boyfriend and saw her face flush again when the young man popped up on her screen.

"Hey Noah, grandpa's here with me," she said quickly, and Elliot turned away smiling.

She had clearly wanted to prevent Noah from saying anything embarrassing, thinking they were alone.

"Oh, okay," Noah answered.

He was so happy to see Catherine's face again. He'd been walking on cloud nine all morning and had a hard time focusing on his studies. Images of his girlfriend kept popping up in his head and he'd been daydreaming for a while when she called him. Understanding that she wasn't alone, he swallowed the words he really wanted to say to her. His heart was beating a bit faster though and he smiled at her, seeing that she was feeling a little awkward too. He hoped it was because she wasn't alone, not because she suddenly felt awkward around him.

"Did you sleep well?" he asked her as neutrally as he could, and when he saw a small smile appear on her lips, he relaxed a little.

"Yeah, I did. Very well actually. You?"

He could see her eyes sparkle and he was receiving the message she was sending him loud and clear. She was okay. They were okay.

"Yeah. I slept very well too."

"Good. And how is studying going?"

He grinned and Catherine bit her lip.

"I'm trying," he said, still aware that Mr. Stabler might be listening.

"Same," Catherine said.

Elliot cleared his throat and Catherine sat up, glancing at him before asking Noah,

"Hey Noah, actually I was calling to ask you if you knew where your mother is. Grandpa's been calling her but she isn't answering her phone."

Noah rubbed his forehead and tried to think of a reason why his mother wouldn't pick up her phone. She never left the house without it.

"I can think of only one thing," he said. "She always turns the sound off when she's out running. Tell him to try again in an hour or so."

He could imagine that his mom would be out jogging today. If he knew her at all, she'd be out for hours. It was her way of dealing with stress while feeling like she was doing something useful at the same time. His mother was one of the fittest pensioners he knew. Well, aside from Mr. Stabler maybe. That man was still huge despite his age. Somehow he knew that his mother would always be safe with him, not matter how much he'd hurt her in the past by leaving. It was something in the man's eyes. Something he recognized, maybe now for the first time, because it was what he felt for Catherine.

…

Olivia was exhausted but it felt good. Great actually. She felt so alive when she could hear the blood pumping in her ears. It was like she needed that rush, now that the job didn't provide those adrenaline kicks anymore. She checked her watch after she'd plopped down on a bench outside the cemetery that had been her destination this morning. She would need to catch her breath if she wanted to seem somewhat dignified in her running gear while crossing the Jewish cemetery to where John Munch was waiting for her. She had time enough to have a nice chat with his memory before she would need to head home to shower and change for her appointment with Melinda.

Olivia was relieved that the weather was improving. It had stopped raining the day before and now she actually thought sunlight was going to break through the clouds. She smiled as she pushed herself up from the bench again. John would have liked that. He'd become stiff in his old age and she'd found him soaking up sun rays on several occasions when she'd visited him and Gwen in their adapted ground floor apartment. John had spent a few years with Gwen after finally retiring completely before he lost her to cancer after all. He hadn't lived long after that, unable to recover from his broken heart, but she knew he was at peace now. She missed his wit though and she'd give anything to have one more cup of his undrinkable coffee with him. Even a far-fetched political conspiracy sounded good right now but his memory would have to do.

'Love is a conspiracy all on its own, Olivia. It tricks the heart into wanting against better judgement. Into needing what it shouldn't and loving in spite of the pain that will surely ensue.'

She had loved John so much and his wisdom had only grown when he got older. He'd seen his share of love and pain but he hadn't regretted a single thing. He had enjoyed those last years with Gwen as deeply as his heart had ached over her death. She envied him for not regretting and she wanted to follow his advice. Allow her heart to be tricked again against better judgement. She knew it was already needing, if it had ever stopped needing. And she knew she might get hurt again. But what if she wasn't? What if he stayed this time? What if they could make it work?

Olivia kneeled in front of John's tombstone and placed her hand on the cold marble.

"Tell me what to do," she whispered and it was as if her old friend answered her instantly.

'You already know the answer.'

She knew it was her own heart speaking to her but she wanted to pretend for just a little longer that she was talking to John.

"What if it doesn't work out?"

'What if it does?'

"But he just walked out on me."

'He was in pain too.'

"He could have contacted me at some point. It's been twenty-four years, John."

The voice inside her head was silent then and she sighed. Maybe the only solution was just to accept that that time was lost forever and choose a new starting point. They still shared a connection but she did wonder what they would actually have in common after all this time. The job was what had connected them all those years, had forced them to work together, to compromise and forgive because they had a common goal. But what were they without that common goal?

She had asked John at Gwen's funeral if it had been worth it, and his tearful eyes had lit up instantly.

"Oh yes," he'd told her. "Even if it had been just a month. I cherish every moment I got to spend with her."

Maybe that was the wisdom she needed to take back with her today. To live in the moment more and not wonder about the past or the future. To just enjoy the moment. Still, she wondered what they would have left to talk about. She stood up and stretched the muscles of her back before smiling one last time at John's name. There was only one way to find out if they had anything left to talk about.

…

Melinda couldn't agree more. While she was a little more reluctant, she agreed that Olivia should at least try to find out what was left between them.

"You were there when I got the kids and you helped me be a better mother," Olivia said. "I was there when you had your grandchildren. We know each other so well and know about the things that matter in each others' lives."

"Yes, you're right. You and him both missed a huge portion of each other's lives. Don't you think that should give you more to talk about in stead of less?" Melinda suggested.

They were tucked away in the back of a lunchroom with their hot coffee and a super-sized muffin and Olivia felt very relaxed. Running had helped her body to relax despite the conflicting thoughts she was having. It was as if her mind was arguing with her heart.

"So I should just forget that he ignored me for almost twenty-five years and pretend that didn't hurt like hell?" she tried again.

Melinda shook her head, chewing on a large bite of her muffin, and wagged one index finger from left to right. Olivia smiled. At almost seventy, Melinda hadn't lost even the tiniest bit of spunk.

"Oh no. Oh no," she said as soon as she'd swallowed her bite. "Don't sweep that under the rug honey. Talk about it. Fight about it. Yell at him for it. It was what you did way back too, right? Make him prove to you that he means business and that he's ready for you again. Because no matter how sweet and soft you may look now, you're still as much a handful as you ever were and he should know what he's getting into."

Olivia laughed out loud, throwing her head back.

"You're the best, Melinda. He should know what he's getting into," she said, still chuckling. "I love it."

"Speaking of which ..." Melinda said without missing a beat, and then she just looked at her friend, one eyebrow raised.

Olivia looked down at her coffee, bobbing her head slightly. She knew perfectly well what Melinda was asking her. She'd just used the L-word as an expression, but what else did she love? Or rather, who?

" Yeah," Olivia muttered, and somehow it was enough. Just like it had been enough all those years ago when Rebecca Hendrix had asked her about her feelings for her partner.

She pursed her lips and stirred her coffee until Melinda reached for her hand and took it in hers.

"That alone is enough to try, Olivia. Whether he deserves it or not."

Olivia felt an actual lump forming in her throat and she knew her friend was right. Her heart had been telling her all along that she should give him a chance, simply because she'd never really let go of him herself. While she had walled up her heart to shield it from everyone else, he'd been living inside those walls all along.

"No need to make it easy for him though," Melinda added dryly and they both chuckled again.

Making things difficult for him wasn't really a challenge. That was the easy part. Reconnecting was the challenge.

Olivia heard her phone buzz and fished it out of her bag. She realized she'd forgotten to turn the sound back on after her run but she heard it now because it was buzzing against something solid inside her bag. Must be her lipstick, she thought while checking her screen. Six missed calls from an unknown number that was calling her again? That could only be one person. Nobody she knew aside from Sarah was that persistent. She looked at Melinda, who had already read on her face who was calling. She winked at her and then took the call, purposely answering it the way she used to do on the job.

"Benson."

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More soon.