Hello my dearies. I have finally come out of my love coma and found my way back to the computer. Hopefully chapter will make up for falling off of the radar. My husband says hello.
Songs for this chapter: Too Close and Damn Your Eyes both by Alex Care (I imagine these two songs are her warring feelings)
HPOV
I could not go back to visit him in the hospital, just like I could not seek him out before term began. Would not. Should not. I had to remind myself of the horrible things he had said to me to keep myself away, because every time I pictured his face, with those deep blue eyes, I wanted to go to him. I managed to make it through the rest of the summer without giving in to the urge to try to go to him, but part of me thought that might be because I didn't want him to run again. I had removed the tracking spell from him that last time I had seen him at the hospital, not wanting to feel a connection to him like that any longer. I seemed to occasionally notice a ringing in my ears if I thought about it ever since then, and I wondered vaguely if it was an aftereffect of breaking such old magic.
I tried to keep that question out of my mind as well. Instead I focused my mind on my new job and everything that came with that. I had already collected all of the teaching robes I had ordered, and as the summer wore down I was slowly collecting furnishings for my quarters. It wasn't that I couldn't go out and just it all in one go, but I rather liked going on little adventures with Molly to find the perfect ottoman or the most beautiful linens. It was much easier not to think about a certain someone if I was focused on the decision between oak and teak bedroom furniture.
"I've been thinking Molly," I said as I drug my fingers through the fringe on a red throw pillow. "I want to use magic to change my quarters as well."
"Are you sure?" she asked as she offered up a maroon patterned pillow with a question on her face. "That's a lot of magic with nowhere to hide from it."
"I think it will be good for me," I told her as I nodded that I did want that pillow as well. "Besides, the only downside I could think of about going back to Hogwarts was feeling like I was trapped with stone all around me. It reminds me of ancient magic, which tends to remind me of dark magic."
"Well it sounds like you've put a lot of thought into it," she said quietly, putting both of the pillows into the cart we were pushing around the muggle shop that Molly seemed surprisingly at home in. "Have you brought it up with Minerva?"
"She's completely supportive of it," I smiled while grabbing a few more pillows to join the rest. "She said I could come to the castle earlier to put in the renovations if I wanted."
We both chuckled, and it had more to do with the realization that I had apparently developed a bit of an obsession with through pillows, than the idea of decorating my new home. The idea of my new home was actually a bit sad for the both of us. I had fallen into place in their home quickly, and it felt like leaving my parents to go away. That was painful enough without thinking about losing another set of parents.
"Will you come help me change my quarters to something less castle like?" I asked quietly, as I steered us toward the bedding section.
"I would love too," she agreed easily. "I never realized how much I like this interior decorating thing. I think I want to do more of it. Perhaps it's time I update the Burrow a bit."
"Or you and Arthur could just move into the castle with me," I chuckled, though I wasn't sure I was joking.
"Oh honey, you know you can come visit us whenever you want, you don't have think of this as some big goodbye," she said, turning to face me, and stopping my cart so I had to look back at her. "You know we aren't going anywhere don't you?"
"Yes," I sighed quietly, meeting her eyes as calmly as I could. "It just scares me a little to think about being on my own again. And it makes me sad to feel like I am somehow losing my parents all over again."
She pulled me into her arms after that, and told me with her embrace that she wasn't going anywhere. I breathed in her scent of baked goods and something distinctly earthy and slowly I calmed once more. When I was pulled tightly into her plush embrace it was hard to imagine that she would ever be taken from me, and it soothed that ache that never seemed to quite go away. It relieved that fear that I was always going to be alone.
We had toiled, but through our hard work and Molly's eye for interior decorating I found myself with the most amazing living space I ever could have dreamed up. We mixed our media so to speak. Spells were used to change the texture of the wall from rough stone to smoother sheet rock before we took paintbrush in hand and changed the colors with actual paint. It was nice to do the physical work, but it helped me ease into the idea of magically altering my chambers if I was doing some of it without magic as well.
When we had finished I was amazed with the results. The only piece of my siting room left that resembled the castle room I had first entered was the fireplace that had a domed opening. We had painted everything alight beige and added floor to ceiling bookshelves on either side of the fire place. Molly had duplicated and enlarged a silly finger painting that hung in Ginny's room and we placed it over the mantle. The reds and purples in the picture matched nicely with the copious throw pillows that we stacked in my two chairs and matching off white couch.
We packed in all the books that Molly found when she went to my old home once more. Other than that small trip to rescue Severus I could not bring myself to enter the house, but I did find that I desired the things that had been left behind. She had gone in my stead to collect my small personal library as well as the rest of my clothing and a bottle of my mother's perfume. It was a scent that I could barely handle smelling still, but it soothed me to no end to see that bottle of amber liquid sitting on the mantle above my fireplace.
We put our most creative effort into creating a small kitchen for me. I wanted to have something for making tea, and the occasional late night snack should I want it. I didn't want to call upon the house elves on principle, and I certainly couldn't go to the great hall if I suddenly found myself ravenous at two in the morning which still seemed to happen on occasion as I tried to regain all of the weight I had lost.
In the end we created what looked like a glorified cabinet which had a sink and small magic run over built into the center, and cabinets on either side creating a pantry and the magical equivalent of a refrigerator. It sat in the back corner of my sitting room, and to delineate the difference in rooms we forwent the plush coffee colored carpet and transfigured the floor into glossy wooden planks. We debated back and forth, but in the end did not put in a table, as my living room coffee table would suffice for a seating area.
The bathroom we created was the most luxurious room we created, reminding me of a bathroom I had see in one of the more posh hotels my parents had taken to me in Paris many years ago. We stayed with the stone motif, but gave it a more polished look with light brown marble cut into tiles. There were light hints of wood in the shelving as well as the supports for the deep porcelain tub we put in. The bathroom had been the most challenging as it was created entirely with magic, but it was quite rewarding to see how much beauty could come from spell work.
Other than the input of picking out the bed, and offering up which color I wanted, I stayed clear of the bedroom allowing Molly to create what I hoped would become my safe haven hear at the castle. I was stunned by how beautiful her creation was. I had told her my favorite color was green, and expected to end up with an forest green comforter, but she found ways to bring green into the room without even touching that color.
She painted the walls in a light sea foam green, and put a darker shade of the same color on the ceiling. The bedspread she put on my oak framed bed was a dusty olive green, and paired nicely with the pea green pillow she put on the reclined rocking chair made of wicker. I had no idea if she had found that chair somewhere or created it with magic, but it was possibly my new favorite piece of furniture. She had charmed three rows of floating orbs along the ceiling giving the impression that my room had track lighting, and I thrilled to realized that I could turn them on and off with a simply wave of the hand. It was the only wandless spell I had ever learned.
She added shelving, cabinets, and a desk, all in the same oak finish as the bed, and tied the room together with a few more books and a potted fern that looked like a palm tree giving the room a beach like feel. It was a more perfect bedroom than I could have dreamed of asking for, and when she revealed it to me the night that we finished I nearly cried I was so overwhelmed by it. I thanked her profusely until she had to leave, and then I was left standing alone in my new home hardly able to believe it was mine.
When the sun began to set and I was still alone in my rooms, knowing that there was only one person I wanted to drag up here and show my rooms to I did finally weep. I sunk to the floor, burying my face in the carpet of my sitting room and cried great wracking sobs when I was forced yet again to realize how much I cared for the man I could not allow myself to care for.
It became harder to pretend I was unaffected by Severus when the start of term came and I was faced with seeing him so frequently. I made it through the beginning of the year staff meeting without even making eye contact with him, and dodged out of the room after exchanging lesson outlines with Hagrid and Septima so they could work on their halves of our joint lessons before I could give in to the desire to meet his gaze. I had felt his eyes on me the entire time I had been in the room, and I was terrified that he might try to make conversation with me.
It got harder still to keep my distance from him when he took the seat beside me at the start of term feast. I remained silent, staring straight ahead during the sorting and my own introduction to quite a few surprised faces before the beginning of the feast. Once the food had been served I struck up a ridiculously long winded discussion about the whomping willow with Neville to keep myself from giving into temptation. I wanted it so badly, but I refused to hurt myself any longer.
I made it all the way to the second week of term without so much as meeting his eyes, but then my efforts became rather fruitless. I woke the Wednesday of the second week of classes to find a glass vial, clearly containing a memory sitting beside a pensive that was wrapped in a red bow and had a tag that simply said happy early birthday.
If I hadn't been his student for so many years I wouldn't have recognized his handwriting, and surely wouldn't have known who the gift was from. Knowing it was from Severus did not make it easier to accept. I worried my lip between my teeth, pacing back and forth in my sitting room trying to make up my mind for so long that I nearly missed my first lesson. In the end I left it sitting on my coffee table and sprinted up to the classroom arriving just in time to slow to a walk and slip into the back of the room instructing the fourth years to settle down as if I had been standing back there the entire time.
I quickly slipped into a lesson about how muggles approached travel when they were not provided with the same opportunities as wizard folk, but my mind remained focus on that memory waiting for me back in my chambers. What could he have sent me? Would it be horrible, or would it be pleasant. Why would he wanted me to see any of his memories anyway?
As the day wore on I realized that I wanted to see that memory is only to assuage the curiosity that was plaguing me. When I finished my final lesson for the day at five on the dot I decided to forgo dinner and retire to my chambers for the evening with the intent of viewing that memory.
I walked slowly through the bustling stone corridors building up my courage, and took extra care in putting on a pot of water to boil in my kitchen before I finally pulled the bow free of the small stone basin with intricate engravings that lay there waiting for me to use it. With nothing left to fill my time and help me to further put it off, I hesitantly unstoppered the vial and allow the memory to leak out and pool into the bowl in the way that only a memory could seem to drip like water yet swirl like smoke. I took one last deep breath and then I slid my finger into the swirling liquid allowing it to suck me into his memory.
I found myself in his hospital room from St. Mungos and instantly I was on edge. I was relieved to realize that Minerva sat at his bedside and this must have come after his outburst. I wouldn't be forced to watch him tear into me from his own perspective. I watched as this private moment unfolded between them.
"How are you feeling?" she asked at the same time that he asked, "Where is Hermione?"
"She's gone to the ministry to give testimony on what she witnessed as well as what she did," she explained while he answered, again at the same time. "Like death warmed over."
"We wondered when you would come all the way around," she said quietly reaching out to grasp his hand.
He allowed her to hold it, and it was a strange picture to see the normally stern man look so weak cocooned in a hospital blanket with his hand held tightly in the hand of the maternal Minerva McGonagall.
"What do you mean?" He asked her quietly.
"This makes the sixth time you've woken up," she told him looking away toward the window where night was falling. "But it's the first time that you seem to be in your right mind."
He seemed to puzzle on that answer and I realized that he truly had no recollection of what had happened before that point. My heart throbbed strangely at the thought.
"The first time you woke, she was here, but it was too much for her," Minerva said quietly. "You shouted bloody murder at her, and it wasn't until she fled the room that anyone realized you thought you were talking to Wormtail. She had gone by then though."
He groaned, and pain seemed to ripple over his face. I wondered if it was at her words, or if he was simply in pain from the torture he had been subjected too.
"Has he been locked up," He asked, a calmness falling over his face once more.
"He is being held at the ministry right now," she answered with a nod, turning to look at me once more. "He will sit trial later this week."
"He's quite dangerous," he said lightly, as if they were discussing the morning paper. "I never thought much of him, the measly little man that he is. But he is truly a master legilimens. He puts my skill to shame."
"What did he do in there?" she asked, looking at his forehead. "I've never seen you out of your gourd like that. I confess I thought you invincible when it came to the protection of your mind."
"He knew me well enough to know that I was prepared for torture. He knew that I would not break from pain, I've been trained not to." he said quietly, unable to meet her gaze when it fell back to my his. "He knew what I did not, and he bombarded me with pleasure mixed with pain until I came unhinged. He implanted false memories. Oh those memories."
"What did he show you?" she asked, her voice tight, and I knew she feared a rebuke, asking such a personal question.
"Perfect happiness," he sighed turning his head away from her and closing his eyes. "Perfect happiness with the woman I love."
The memory faded away after that and I found myself sitting in my living room once more. I sprung up to attend to the tea pot that was now shrieking for attention, and tried to deal with how I felt about that memory. Initially I only felt the sting of picturing what type of false memories Wormtail would have created about Lily Potter with which to torture Severus, but eventually I began to feel angry about it all. Clearly he had sent me this memory in an effort to clear his conscious over what had happened. He wanted me to understand that he didn't remember saying those hurtful things to me.
Well I didn't care.
He had still said them. He might not remember it, but he had really hurt me. I warred with the pain I had felt when I fled from his hospital room, and the fluttering feeling I felt in my chest when I pictured his eyes when he seemed truly remorseful for whatever had happened between us when he was not in his head. Both of those feelings were dashed out of existence when I thought of how deeply in love he had looked when he recalled the memories he had been given of the woman he loved.
It was with jealousy in my heart that I acted to responded to his attempt at an apology. I put my wand to my head and drew out the memory of him cursing my existence. I pulled out the moments where he had wished me dead, and swore to kill me with his own hands. I let it trail on long enough to show me running from the room, and then I cut it off, and directed my memory of what had happened into the empty vial that was still sitting on my living room table. I replaced the stopper and nodded to myself. Yes, forcing him to know how deeply he had cut me that day was the proper response to his ridiculous apology. He would know what he had done, and I would be free of having the memory in my mind any longer.
I was tempted to pull the memory of the reaffirmation of how deeply he loved Lily from my mind as well, but in the end I held on to it as yet another reminder of why I could not allow myself to drift toward him once more no matter how desperately I wanted to. I sipped my tea while I banished his memory from my pensive and into the void. I wanted nothing to do with it and I saw no point in returning it to him. He couldn't miss what he couldn't remember to begin with.
Severus seemed to better understand my reluctance to be around him after receiving my reply to his apology, and it became a bit easier to ignore him. He no longer took up the seat beside me at meals, and he seemed to be less of a presence in the halls when I was out. I was relieved to avoid the temptation of looking into those eyes, but somehow I still felt bereft without his constant presence. Constantly I tried to remind myself that I needed to stay away from him, and why I needed to stay away from him, but it got a little harder each day.
I ran through a litany of all the horrible things he had ever said to me when my will power was so low that I wanted to go knock on the door to his dungeon chambers. I reminded myself that he constantly referred to me as a know-it-all, and that he reveled in taking points from me in order to put Gryffindor out of the running for the house cup any chance her got. I reminded myself of how he had made fun of me when my teeth had been cursed, and he was still unrepentant. He was unrepentant for all of it, save for what happened in the hospital apparently. I forced myself to feel angry about those things so I wouldn't end up down in the dungeons doing something I would regret.
I tried to instead focus my mind on preparing for my first off campus lesson that I hoped to have at the end of October. With a little outside help from Molly I had managed to secure a full entertainment center and get it put together down in the small cottage I was renting on the edge of Hogsmeade that was furthest from the castle in order to avoid all of the magic that hung in the air. It had taken me ages to choose, but I finally came to a decision about what movie I was going to show to the classes first. In order to point out that the muggle world was just as confused about how the wizarding world worked as wizards were about muggles by showing one of the Lord of the Rings movies.
I focused my mind on whether or not I should provide popcorn, or if that would make it to informal. Should I have all of the classes at once, or should I take each class individually? Did I really want to watch that movie five times in a row? It was good, but not quite that good. So all together seemed like the best idea, but what about popcorn or drinks?
My obsessing over how to approach the extracurricular lesson was interrupted by an owl from Ginny informing me that I would be required to attend a lunch with her and Harry down at the Three Broomsticks. She stated, in rather sloppy handwriting that suggested she was angry, that they were still upset that I had not come to my birthday dinner because of work and they wanted to see me. I wouldn't admit it, but it did sooth how painful it had been to sit alone in my chambers on my birthday with y presents seeming to mock my loneliness.
I opted not to send a return owl, and simply dressed in a black sack dress and made my way down to the village. I hadn't bothered to do anything with my hair, and my curls were flying around my head in the breeze as I crossed the sunny grounds. It was unseasonably warm for the middle of October, and I wondered how long the heat would hold out.
I was wishing I had worn flats instead of my black heals by the time I finally made it to the doors of the little pub, but I plastered a smile on my face and push them open. I immediately spotted Ginny's read hair in a booth directly across from the door and started to make my way over to them. My smile hitched a bit when I saw that she and Harry were crammed into one side, and the only spot left at the table was beside Neville. I hadn't realized he was coming, and my gut told me that something was up.
"Hey Hermione, come sit down," Ginny said with a huge grin that honestly seemed a little over excited for a late afternoon lunch.
"Hi guys," I said softly, sliding into the seat, but keeping a big gap between mine and Neville's arms.
I wouldn't say it out loud, but there was only one man, who I didn't view as a second father, that I was comfortable allowing to touch me. And well, it wasn't Neville Longbottom. It wasn't even Harry, though he did a great job pretending it didn't bother him. The one man I was comfortable allowing to touch me, was the one I could not allow to come near me for my own sanity.
"We dillydallied long enough trying to decide what to get your for your birthday," Ginny continued in her ridiculously cheery voice. "But it finally came to us. So happy belated birthday girl!"
"Lunch is a wonderful present," I chuckled. "It's nice to get out of the castle for something other than work."
"Oh the lunch isn't the present," Harry smiled conspiratorially.
"No, the present is Neville actually," Ginny smiled nodding her head in his direction. "You're present is a double date."
I turned to look at Neville, and he had the good grace to look as nervous as I felt. He offered a wobbly smile, and I tried to return it, but it felt like more of a grimace. I turned back to look at the happy married couple and I could feel my ire growing.
"You guys were very thoughtful, but you forgot few things," I said quietly. "The first being that I don't date. Ever. The second being that Mr. Longbottom hear has had his eye on Luna Lovegood for quite some time now."
"But Luna has been out of the country for nearly a year, and won't be back until the end of next year," Harry pointed out with a soft smile. "Surely Neville is allowed to have a lunch date or two between now and then?"
I watched Neville nod his head gently, offering up that wobbly smile again. He was being nice, but I knew he only wanted Luna, and I wasn't interested in pursuing a relationship that went beyond the friendly coworker one we had now.
"If that's the case he can go on as many lunch dates as he wished," I answered as politely as I could. "But that doesn't change that I don't date."
'How do you know that you don't date," Ginny pushed. "In twenty two years you've never been on a date have you? Have you kissed anyone Hermione?"
"Gin…" Harry sighed.
"No, Ginny has always been one to speak her mind," I said quietly, struggling to keep the hurt out of my words. "It probably does look sad to a happily married woman to think I've been alive for twenty two years and haven't dated. Thank you for my birthday present, it was quiet enjoyable. I think I shall be going now."
I stood to leave, and I was surprised to find that Neville stood as well.
"Hermione wait," Ginny whined.
"Leave her be Ginny," Neville said quietly. "if you hadn't lead me to believe Hermione had already agreed to this, I would have pointed out what an awful idea it is to try and force her to do something like this when she doesn't want to."
"It's not like that Neville," Harry said quietly.
"No you didn't mean it that way," Neville pointed out. "But it is that way. You tried to force her to go on a date when she isn't ready, and just now you made her feel as if she were abnormal because she hasn't been on one yet. It's her choice, and it's perfectly normal for her to choose not to date if it isn't right for her."
"Thank you Neville," I said very quietly as we turned away from the table. "I'm sorry that you got dragged into this. I'm sorry if I have offended you by declining the offer of a date with you. Much like your heart is no longer yours to give, mine feels as if it is already spoken for no matter if I chose to date or not."
"I'm not offended," he smiled as he held the door open for me. "A bit relieved actually. I've only kissed Luna the one time, but it felt like I was about to cheat on her."
"You could never cheat on her," I assured him in my most firm voice. "I hope you guys have perfect happiness with one another Neville, I really do."
"And I hope you and he find it as well," he said sincerely as we parted ways in the street.
"I haven't a clue who you are talking about," I said airily as I turned to walk back to the castle.
The bell tinkled again but I didn't look back. Neville probably went back into the pub, but I found I didn't want to look back to see what his face was doing. I was suddenly very uncomfortable with the idea that Neville might know just exactly whose eyes seemed to haunt me even without me looking into them anymore. The only thing that calmed my racing heart was to remind myself that Neville had always been fiercely loyal, and I was sure he wouldn't tell anyone what my secret was if he knew it.