Hello lovely, patient readers. I'm so sorry that I am so slow updating. Anyway, as it was said in the previous chapter, James will soon be exiting the story, as of now, for an undetermined period of time. Feel free to tell me if you have any ideas for what Rachel can do with her time :). I really hope you enjoy this chapter, cuz it took me a while to think up. REVIEW!
Song: With Me by Sum 41
Kurt pulled into his spot in the senior parking lot, cutting the engine with a sigh. He turned and looked at the girl in his passenger seat. Rachel sat looking straight ahead. He had, after much coaxing with ice cream and musicals on DVD, gotten the story out of Rachel. He still didn't entirely understand. James had overdosed. He needed to go to rehab. That rehab happened to be in Canada. Banff, to be exact. Kurt had heard of it. It was a gorgeous spa town with lots of cool shopping and hiking. But Rachel didn't want him to go.
"She needs him just as much as he needs her," a tiny voice in the back of Kurt's mind said for the thousandth time. He knew that was right.
"Ready?" he asked. Rachel had stayed at his place for the weekend. Her dads were once again gone, and being alone wasn't what was best for Rachel right now.
"Thanks for this weekend," Rachel said sweetly, looking up so that brown eyes met blue. Kurt's heart melted. He shook his head, implying that no thanks was necessary. He'd had fun with her, or as much as could be expected. They'd gone shopping and he'd done her hair and nails numerous times. Even now, though she was sad, she looked gorgeous. They had found cool leggings that had Van Goghs' Starry Night printed all over them. She wore a long white t-shirt and a dark grey leather jacket over them. She had short lace up black boots on.
"Really, I'm sorry I kind of threw all of this on you," Rachel said, persisting.
"Well, you're welcome," Kurt said, giving up. He smiled at his friend, then got out. The two walked into the school together, talking about Regionals.
Rachel spotted Matt near his locker. She said goodbye to Kurt and walked over. He smiled at her, saddened by the weary look that she had about her.
"Hey," she said, leaning against the locker next to Matt's.
"How are you?" he asked, sounding concerned, he'd talked to Kurt.
"I'm better than I was Friday night," she said evasively. Matt raised an eyebrow.
"Look... right now, I... just can't talk about it," Rachel said hesitantly and honestly.
"Sure. Take your time," Matt said, pulling a notebook from his locker and shutting it, "Anyway, I was talking with Mrs. Solomon last night and she was wondering about your progress. I told her how good you were doing," Matt said smiling. He saw this made Rachel happy. "Any ideas for our number for Regionals?" he asked, walking next to her down the hallway.
"Yeah, actually I do," Rachel said.
Rachel walked into the glee room early. She sat down and moments later, James came in and sat next to her. He looked like he'd gotten as much sleep as she had that weekend: none.
"Rachel can I talk to you at lunch?" James asked after a quiet moment.
"Yes," Rachel said, raising her eyes to meet his. She felt her heart give a tiny painful squeeze. He was leaving her. Again.
Rachel gingerly sat down next to James at an empty table. The lunch room was buzzing with noise and laughter. James had bought her lunch and was looking at her now, like he was memorizing her face.
"Say it," Rachel said. James sighed and ran both of his hands through his curls.
"I'm leaving after Regionals, next week. Rachel, I have to go," James said.
"To Canada? Thousands of miles away?" Rachel asked, almost whispering. He nodded.
"Rachel... you are what's best for me. But this OD is messing with my head and my depression. It's driving it into haywire and I need to get that under control. I hurt you once and it's not going to happen again. I promise you that. Being around you has always made me feel more, and with this overdose, that isn't a good thing right now. Please understand," James breathed, whispering the last part. He took both her hands. He watched as a tear fell from her face and she bent her head.
"I'm tired of saying goodbye," she all but whimpered.
"I know," James said softly. He couldn't say anything else.
"I'll miss you every single day," Rachel said in a shaky voice, breathing deeply to control herself.
"And I'll miss you every single second," he said, leaning forward to kiss her forehead. Then he wrapped his arms around her, holding her tight.
After school that day, they had rehearsal for Regionals. Rachel proposed her idea for the group number, which she and Matt would take the leads on. It was met with approval. Brittany and Mike were going to help Rachel and Matt with the choreography.
Then to everybody's surprise, James raised his hand when Mr. Shuester asked who was interested in singing the solo. Kurt, James, and Mercedes all auditioned, going into Mr. Shuester's office one at a time. Mr. Shuester came out and announced that James got the solo.
"James, would you please tell the group what you told me about the number?" Mr. Shuester said, sorting through some sheet music at the piano. James stood to stand in front of the group, he looked at Rachel for a moment, then at the rest of the club.
"I'm leaving after Regionals. For those who don't know, Callie messed with my meds, and I ended up overdosing. My therapist and mom both think that it's best that I get out of Lima, at least for a little while, and go to rehab. But for Regionals, I want my song to be a goodbye. To Rachel," James said, eyes going back to her. He saw them sparkling and knew she was thankful.
He took a deep breath and nodded at the band. They began to play. He sang with all he had for the second time. Mr. Shuester had been impressed. Now he didn't disappoint. Everybody stood clapping. Except one person. Everybody looked at her.
Her teeth were gritted and a few angry tears had fallen. She stood with fists clenched and walked out of the room, shaking her head at James when he started to follow her out. Kurt began to follow but was surprised when a perfectly manicured hand stopped him. Santana met Kurt's eyes and shook her head. He bit his lip, rolling back on his heels.
James walked into the Lima Bean after school. He wasn't allowed to have caffeine since he was already jittery so he sat down with a green tea and waited, checking his watch over and over. Finally Jesse arrived. He nodded to James when he walked in, ordered a chai latte and sat across from James.
"I'm guessing you know why I asked you to meet me?" James said, raising an eyebrow.
"You are going to Banff, Canada for rehab in a week you want me to stay and watch Rachel," Jesse said after a moment.
"Dude. How did you..." James trailed off.
"Rachel texted me the first part. I guessed the second," Jesse shrugged. He took a sip of his latte and waited.
"I have to go," James said forcefully but quietly, leaning forward, looking Jesse in the eye.
"I know," Jesse said, nodding and looking away. He looked back at James. "You're going to hurt her either way. In the long run, this is better for everybody." Jesse drained his latte and stood.
"So... You'll stay?" James asked. Jesse smirked. "Ohio U is thirty minutes away. I've pretty much had a full ride since I won Vocal Adrenaline our first Nationals. My family still has a house here." James rolled his eyes and watched Jesse walk out. He wasn't sure how he felt about the new swagger in Jesse's walk. But he knew it was because Jesse suddenly would be seeing a lot more of Rachel. He sighed, leaning back in his seat. Jesse, for all his faults, truly cared about Rachel and would make sure she was okay.
Kurt walked into school with Blaine the next day, worried. He'd texted Rachel over twenty times the night before. She had disappeared, not talking to anybody. After being with her constantly all weekend, Kurt was as worried as a parent who had lost their child.
He spotted her sitting in the school commons, sitting on a bench with her headphones in. She was texting somebody, a smile edging on her lips. She wore baggy black sweatpants with a simple fitted white t-shirt. She had the high tops that Mrs. Solomon had gotten for her on. Her hair still looked damp from a recent shower, but was drying into her pretty wavy hair. Kurt took in the circles under her eyes. She finished her text and closed her eyes and leaned her head back against the ceiling high window behind her, breathing evenly. Kurt started towards her, he felt Blaine grab his hand.
"Kurt," Blaine said simply, looking in Kurt's eyes. Kurt sighed and nodded. Rachel had obviously pulled an allnighter in her dance studio in her basement. She had told him that she often did that to clear her head. He watched as Matt sat down beside her. She talked to him, still looking tired, but a little happier. Kurt sighed and let Blaine lead him away, talking about West Side Story, the school's musical that had been announced the previous day.
Rachel had gotten to school at seven. She'd plopped herself down on a bench and drowned out the world blasting her iPod. She was tired. She'd spent the night dancing and singing. Every part of her was angry. At her situation. At James' situation. At Callie. At pharmacists. At Mrs. Schmidt. At James' mom. At James. She just wanted everything to stop being so sad and painful. She'd looked at the clock in the dance studio and had been shocked to see it was six in the morning. She'd made coffee and hopped in the shower, not even bothering to put on makeup, or do her hair.
She was going to perform today in glee. For James. She'd spent the night going over everything. It had taken time to sort through her emotions. She'd gone through her entire musical repertoire. She needed to get how she felt across.
She felt her phone buzz in her pocket and pulled it out.
Jesse: I just want u to know that I am here for u.
Rachel: Thanks :) If I know James, I'm guessing u have talked to him
Jesse: he wants me to stay for you
Rachel: Are u going 2? Or is it back to Juilliard for u?
Jesse: And miss all your drama?
Rachel: :)
Jesse: Did I really just make you smile? You remember?
Rachel: Of course I remember and you really did make me smile.
Jesse: Mission accomplished
Rachel: Maybe while you're here you can teach me what u've picked up at school.
Jesse: My brain is yours for the picking
Rachel: Thanks! I'll see you later, K?
Jesse: See you
Rachel let out a big sigh and leaned back, relaxing her face and clearing her thoughts, letting the window, cold from the winter air outside, calm her and her growing headache. Jesse. Her friend. It was refreshing. She felt somebody sit beside her.
"Hey Matt," she said, pulling out her headphones.
"So why did you drop off the map yesterday?" he asked.
"I needed to be alone with my thoughts," Rachel answered honestly, smiling slightly.
"That's cool," Matt said, nodding, "And what have your thoughts revealed to you?"
"You'll see in glee," she said. She stood as the warning bell rang, listening to Matt talk about some new DJing equipment he'd gotten.
The glee kids filed into the auditorium. Rachel went to Mr. Schuester, asking if she could perform. He nodded. Regionals was important, but he knew that Rachel sometimes needed to clear her mind and get out of her head. This was how she did it. He quieted everybody. Rachel had slipped off her sweatpants and shoes. She wore her dance spandex underneath. This dance was made of what she was feeling. She stood center stage and got in position. The guitar player started and then Rachel started, looking straight at James.
I don't want this moment to ever end,
Where everything's nothing without you.
I'd wait here forever just to, to see you smile,
Singing the line, she thought of how she'd do anything to see James truly happy, even if he was in another country.
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you.
She began to move, preparing to lose it.
Through it all, I've made my mistakes.
I stumble and fall, but I mean these words.
She entered the part of the dance that she'd been working on all through the night.
I want you to know,
With everything I won't let this go.
These words are my heart and soul.
The club were rooted into their seats. Everybody knew Rachel could rock, but they'd never heard the raw power that emanated from her now. Puck whopped in encouragement.
I'll hold on to this moment, you know,
As I bleed my heart out to show,
And I won't let go.
Thoughts read, unspoken, forever in vow,
And pieces of memories fall to the ground.
Rachel's thoughts drifted to the summer, where her life had truly been changed.
I know what I didn't have, so I won't let this go,
'Cause it's true, I am nothing without you.
All the streets, where I walked alone,
She thought of the previous Friday night, where she'd felt so lost, running through the cold December air, finding herself at Kurt's.
With nowhere to go, have come to an end.
I want you to know,
With everything I won't let this go.
These words are my heart and soul.
I'll hold on to this moment, you know,
As I bleed my heart out to show,
And I won't let go.
In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies,
When you don't know what you're looking to find.
In front of your eyes, it falls from the skies,
When you just never know what you will find.
She stopped, chest heaving and closed her eyes then sang to James, and James alone.
I don't want this moment to ever end,
Where everything's nothing without you.
Rachel paused quickly, then threw herself back into the song, dancing right on the brink of not being able to sing.
I want you to know,
With everything I won't let this go.
These words are my heart and soul.
I'll hold on to this moment, you know,
As I bleed my heart out to show,
And I won't let go.
I want you to know,
With everything I won't let this go.
These words are my heart and soul.
I'll hold on to this moment, you know,
As I bleed my heart out to show,
And I won't let go.
She stopped, out of breath. She watched as everybody in the club stood and clapped. She was out of breath. James hopped up on the stage and walked to Rachel. Getting closer he saw tears in her eyes.
"I'm sorry," he said. Rachel knew he meant for everything.
"Don't be," Rachel said. She threw her arms around his neck, on her tip toes. He set her down and she took a few steps back. She sighed and looked at the ground. She then looked at Mr. Schuester.
"Time for Regionals rehearsal, Mr. Shue?" she said. The teacher smiled and looked at the group.
"From the top," he said.
Rachel walked into the Lima Bean after school, desperately needing caffeine and her mother, both were waiting for her when she walked in. She was wrapped him her mother's arms and breathed in Shelby's crisp perfume. She felt better. Shelby had been in Cincinnati seeing friends for a week and a half.
"Is that what you wore to school?" Shelby asked, as they sat down. Rachel smiled. She and her mother exchanged a few pleasantries and then Rachel jumped into her story. She let everything out, telling Shelby about everything. About Callie and what she'd done. About New York. About Mrs. Schmidt and the overdose. About Canada. She told about her recent struggle with her emotions and her performance today. Shelby listened. She leaned across the table when Rachel was done. Rachel braced herself, knowing that her mother was about to give her good advice.
"I think that this time apart from James is as much a rehab for you as it is him. You say Jesse's staying? You'd be surprised but that boy, once motivated, is an excellent friend. Get closer with Kurt. Do the school musical. Practice for Mrs. Solomon. Keep yourself busy and focused on the future. Forget about the pain and unpleasantness of the past. Focus on yourself. That's something you haven't done for quite some time." Rachel sat back in her seat, taking in what her mother had said.
"Oh, and I hope you don't have plans this weekend. You and I are going out of town to do some serious pampering," Shelby said, smiling.