Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns all things Twilight. I just decided it was time to shake things up a bit in her characters' world. And I wanted a bitchy Bella, so here we go!
Oh, and all of the references used in this story in relation to the advertising and marketing company and accounts are only used here for entertainment purposes; no copyright infringement intended.
Thank you to the following people: Angelicwish, who has gone above and beyond the call of duty to provide this insecure writer with loads of feedback, advice, beta services and great conversations; Lita for coming back to me (*waves hi*) and to Jen – I'm so glad we reconnected! Love you! And thanks so much to Latchkey Wife, who was kind enough to pimp out this story on her bloggy blog. Go check it out – Ramblings of a Latchkey Wife. She makes me laugh my ass off on a regular basis.
.com/ And also go to – awesome site!
In case any of you are wondering, here are some fics that are completely devastating me right now (please go check them out on FanFiction or Twilighted) – Expectations and Other Moving Pieces by chrometurtle; Tre by my sweetie Megsly (update soon!); The Blessing and the Curse by The_Black_Arrow and The Misapprehension of Bella Swan (Regarding the Inferior Intellect of Hockey Whores) by hunterhunting. My list of favorites is getting ridiculous. Just read these. You're welcome.
A hello as well to sassygirl156 for naming Sweetward! Aww...and a special thank you to Forever_Liz and Megsly (hi bbs) for helping me with this chapter. 3
We're back to Bella now gang and we're wrapping up the weekend and heading into Monday.
DISCLAIMER -- I'm not going to lie to you – shit's going to be weird. Bella's going to break the camel's back here, so if you don't think you can take the heartfail, please just wait for the next chapter and don't read this one. For the rest of you, please trust where I'm going with this. In order for there to be growth and resolution, there must be pain. And it's time our Sweetward call her on her shit. Please just trust and read on.
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Chapter Twenty-five: All for me
He wrote a song for me.
My flabbergasted mind struggled and failed to comprehend the weight of this realization. I watched as this beautiful creature poured his love for me over the keys of his baby grand, and at once knew I would come up pitifully short in reciprocating. My personal symphony filled the room with affection, and I sat there pinned under it like it weighed a ton.
Leave it to me to let my insecurities and self-doubt sully something as perfect and pure as this. Before he'd even finished I was mentally whipping myself. Stupid, stupid girl. What can you even hope to offer him? And as the last notes hung in the air, I knew he deserved so much more. Edward deserved appreciation and adoration, and damn it, I could give him those things. A small victory over myself in the scheme of things, yes, but a victory nonetheless. The tears began to fall as Edward sat frozen on the piano bench.
His music was beautiful, aching, sorrowful one minute and jubilant the next; the melody skipped along, only to tumble down to the next few bars as if it were a child who'd tripped. It was schizophrenic yet organized and methodical. It singlehandedly unraveled me and elated me. I didn't know what to say.
When I finally found my voice, I tried to convey the depth of my awe, and paid tribute by kissing his hands. I asked him what it was called and his answer stopped my heart for a few beats.
"'Bella's Lullaby,'" he said. Edward wrote a song for me…about me. As soon as he informed me of its title, there was no doubt in my mind. I was reminded of what he had told me on the plane to Chicago, about his inspirations and setting life to music. Now I knew what my song was.
"Thank you. I couldn't have asked for a better gift," I told him honestly. No one had ever bestowed such an honor upon me. His lullaby meant more to me than any material possession; more than any workplace victory or account; more than any collection of words professing undying love. It was all there, set to a tune that was unique and mine alone.
My lips found his and I held on for dear life. Edward lifted me from the couch and somehow we made it to the bedroom. This time I wanted to show him how much I adored him. Clothing was slowly discarded and bodies ached until they joined in the only way that was absolutely perfect.
The fountains mingle with the river
And the rivers with the ocean,
The winds of Heaven mix for ever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single,
All things by a law divine
In one spirit meet and mingle-
Why not I with thine?
As I moved over Edward, relishing the sensation of his skin against mine, I knew that my love for him was all-consuming. Nothing I could do would ever change it and this was how I wanted us to be. I could no longer discern where I ended and he began. It no longer frightened me.
See the mountains kiss high Heaven
And the waves clasp one another;
No sister-flower would be forgiven
If it disdained its brother
And the sunlight clasps the earth,
And the moonbeams kiss the sea –
What are all these kissings worth
If thou kiss not me?
Love and devotion were inevitable for both of us. I was foolish to ever think otherwise. He and I were slaves to it and each other; that was how it should always be. As my body, slick with a thin layer of sweat, slid over Edward's, I moaned and whispered my love for him over and over. With each gyration of my hips -- "I love you." After each fevered kiss --"I love you." With each vigorous thrust against him -- "I love you."
As I climaxed I collapsed on top of him, and when Edward flipped me onto my back I was relaxed and nearly limp from my exertion. Edward brought me over the edge once more before he followed, panting hard against my neck and peppering my hot skin with kisses.
"I have nothing to give you Edward," I said as we lay there breathing heavily as our hearts pounded. "I could never begin to bestow you a fraction of what you've given me."
Edward turned onto his side to face me, his bent arm propping up his head. I brushed a dampened patch of hair off his forehead and when I removed my hand the crooked smile was firmly in place.
"Bella, you give me everything just by breathing," he said. I rolled my eyes and laughed. A large, firm hand grasped my waist and pulled me across the few inches of sheet that separated us. "I'm serious. This is all I need -- right here."
"See -- you did it again," I said, kissing him in thanks. "You're something, Edward Cullen. I wish I could thank your mom for raising such a wonderful, thoughtful, sweet, honest, hard-working man."
Edward's cheeks only slightly gave away his embarrassment at my compliment, and he pulled me against the crook of his arm, tucking me against his side and pulling the covers over us.
"If you don't mind, I'm going to take a quick shower before I fall asleep, okay?" he asked, throwing the sheet away from his naked form. Edward stooped to kiss me once more and then disappeared into his bathroom. I flopped back onto my pillow and thanked my fucking lucky stars. This man loved me and despite all of my faults, wanted to be with me. Monday suddenly didn't seem to matter.
A buzzing sound shattered my internal musings and I slid out of bed to investigate. After a few moments, I realized the noise was coming from Edward's jeans and I slipped his cell phone from the back pocket.
Two missed calls. One new text.
Internally, I warred with my ever-present insecurity. Who would be texting him on a Sunday night? All of our friends knew we were spending the weekend together. Would Jasper be calling to check in? Suddenly the thought occurred to me that if Alice had been trying unsuccessfully to reach me all weekend, she might have recruited her boyfriend. Checking my phone stashed securely in my purse, however, I quickly discovered that no one had been looking for me.
Should I check it for him? Let him know someone had called? Was it an invasion of his privacy? Would he be angry?
"Oh, just do it, you damn ninny," I said aloud to myself, flipping the phone open. The two missed calls were from an unfamiliar number with an out-of-state area code, so I knew it wasn't one of our friends. Reassuring myself that I was only doing this as a favor -- I'll just pop my head into the bathroom to let him know the person called -- I clicked on the text. My heart plummeted into my stomach.
Edward, hon – haven't heard from you in days. When r we mtg for lunch? Aro has some news. Can't wait 2 see u. -Tanya
Instantly, my mind raced with the myriad possibilities: Edward was still entertaining the thought of working for Aro. Tanya had been pursuing him…and maybe they were meeting for lunch. Aro was upping the ante and was going to make another, grander play for Edward through Tanya. The endless scenarios swirled in my head like a tornado, chaotic and highly destructive.
Was Edward having an affair with Tanya? She obviously felt friendly enough with him to call him honey. "Can't wait to see you…" It certainly sounds like it's going to happen. What is going on here?
The water in the bathroom turned off abruptly and I dropped the phone to the carpet. Quietly and hastily I picked it up and made a snap decision. I deleted the text and slipped the phone back into Edward's jeans. I ran and threw myself back onto the bed and moments later Edward emerged.
If it hadn't been for all of the Tanya shit, the sight of a wet, steamy Edward standing in another damn doorway would've been my undoing. I nearly confessed my sin as it was, just looking at him in that towel. But now I had other things on my mind.
"Hey," he said, giving me his best crooked smile and running his fingers through his hair. Focus bad girl. Don't let him crack you.
"Hey yourself sexy," I said, steeling my resolve. Come on. You didn't do anything wrong. Except intercept and delete a text. From a bitch who wants to lay him out and lick him from head to toe, most likely! And what's his role in all of this? "You coming back to bed?"
"Uh-huh. You still naked under those sheets?" Edward unwrapped the towel and slung it over his shoulder. Dirty trick. Damn it. Does he know somehow? What the fuck?
"You betcha," I said. "Wanna see for yourself?" He nodded but stood where he was. Okay, fine. I'll show you then. I flung back the covers and slid out of bed again, trying to even up the sexy score a bit. Damn it, I was going to erase Tanya from my mind, and I was certainly willing to use Edward's body to accomplish that. I sauntered over to him and ran my finger from his sternum down, stopping just above his now-erect cock. After a fevered kiss, complete with tongues and moaning, I broke away, much to Edward's obvious displeasure. My head just wasn't in it. Fucking bitch Tanya.
"I'll be right out," I quipped and stepped around him and into the bathroom. Closing the door behind me I fell loudly against it. For a moment I just stood there breathing, trying not to flip the fuck out and demand an explanation. He wasn't acting strangely; if anything, he'd been even more wonderful this weekend than before -- which was saying a lot.
Truthfully, he hadn't had a chance to get his phone number changed as he had promised in Chicago. Not that we couldn't have made a point to go together this weekend and get it changed. Still, I couldn't fault him on that. He'd been with me every moment.
Tanya was clearly still trying to obtain Edward -- professionally and/or personally. I could practically see the text dripping with flirtation. But why was she in the area? How long was she staying? These were all things I needed to ascertain. Unfortunately I hadn't been able to enter her number into my phone. Damn it.
Pushing the thoughts aside for the time being, I washed my face and brushed my teeth before turning out the light. The room was quiet and once I found my way to the bed, the soft, steady breathing coming from one side signaled that Edward was asleep.
I crept onto my side of the bed -- my side -- and found Edward's face in the darkness. Kissing him lightly on the forehead, I whispered, "good night," and snuggled against his side. His arm wrapped around me, seemingly of its own accord, and I was asleep within minutes.
"Damn. Come on! Turn it off, please! What the fuck?"
The alarm on my cell phone, along with Edward's rather boisterous protests, startled me awake early Monday morning. I had set the alarm for five, knowing I'd need to get home, change and drive myself to work. Work. Inwardly I cringed with the knowledge that the day had indeed arrived. Shit. I jumped out of bed and stubbed my toe trying to reach for my purse. Not the best way to start the day. After silencing the rather obnoxious beeping I glanced over to the bed. Edward was lying on his back with a pillow over his face. It was a reaction that I expected, but it didn't prevent me from laughing at his expense.
"Sorry about that," I said. "Good morning sunshine." I tiptoed over to his side of the bed and pounced on him, wrapping us in sheets, pillows and each other. Edward managed to get the upper hand of course, despite being half-asleep, and pinned me on my back. After giving him a quick peck I took stock of his appearance: day-old stubble across his chin and jaw, super crazy-sexy bed head, sleepy green-blue eyes and grin. Always that grin.
"You're lucky I love you," he mumbled, kissing my chin. "Why up so damn early love?"
"It's Monday. Work. Remember?" I said, shaking him lightly. "I've got to get home too and pick up my car. Shit. Sorry -- would you mind giving me a ride to my place?"
My phone buzzed at that moment and I swung my leg over Edward and out of bed. It was Alice.
"Well, hello stranger," I said sarcastically. She had planned this whole thing in her pretty little head. I was sure of it. "Fancy you calling me this morning. Any chance you have a specific reason for wanting to hear my voice?"
"Hi Bella!" Alice sounded cheery and awake -- like she'd been awake for a while. Damn Energizer Bunny probably doesn't even require sleep -- just a recharge. "Get your butt dressed and get out here. I'm waiting outside to take you home before work. Get a move on it, sweetcakes!" She hung up the phone before I could even question how she had managed it.
Hurriedly I dressed in the first articles of clothing I could locate and shoved the rest of my things back into the overnight bag. Edward watched me flutter about the room, silent and reclined in bed.
"Alice is outside and waiting to take me home, so you're off the hook," I offered from the bathroom and I scooped my toiletries off the counter and into my bag. It would all be a mess when I got home, but I was suddenly in a hurry. Once I was packed, I suddenly regained my senses. Dropping my belongings by the bedroom door, I walked over to Edward and sat on the edge of the bed.
"Edward, thank you for this weekend," I said sincerely. I took another long look at him, committing him and the moment to memory, and kissed him hard. His hand found the back of my head and pulled me deeper into his mouth; it took every ounce of resolve to leave him there. Breaking our kiss I added, "I had a wonderful time. And we'll definitely do this again. It was perfect." With one more kiss, I stood and gathered my things.
"I love you," I said.
"Love you too Bella," he said.
"Back to reality," I added with a sigh. I blew him a kiss, told him I'd let myself out, and as I walked down the stairs said, "I'll see you at the office."
In moments I was out the door and running to Alice's waiting sports car. As soon as my ass was in the seat she peeled away from the curb and we were hurtling through the deserted streets.
"Thanks for picking me up Alice, but Edward could've brought me home," I said as I held onto the dashboard.
"Oh no -- I wanted to get some time alone with you, so it was my pleasure," she whispered excitedly. Oh shit. "So…how did your weekend go? Did you find the treats I left you in the bag? Did you wear them? Oh please, Bella, tell me you wore them."
"Yes, Alice, I did try one -- the blue one -- and it was a big hit," I offered. She giggled. I cringed. "We had a great weekend; it was just so nice to be with him. Thanks for orchestrating that. I know you did, so don't even give me your pretend innocence bullshit."
For once her mouth remained closed, though a wide grin stretched it a bit, and she nodded. We talked a bit more about our first weekend together -- dinner, relaxing, food shopping -- and the entire time Alice stared at me, pie-eyed and cooing. There was no mention of the text and Tanya; I just didn't want to bring it up. I asked Alice about her weekend and true to form, she had spent it with Jasper. Things between them seemed to be pretty serious and it made me happy to see her so happy. We talked about the U2 concert and that evening in general.
"Bella, I really like Edward," she said as we neared my neighborhood. "I mean I've liked him from the start, but I was watching him Friday night, and I just know he's special. He really loves you. Don't fuck this up, please B? Keep this one. I want to keep him."
"Thanks Alice for your vote of confidence," I snarked. "That's my plan, you know. I want to keep him. We love each other and we're taking things as they come. But I feel good about it."
This time Alice couldn't contain herself and squealed with delight. She pulled up to my building and I hopped out. Before shutting the door I thanked her and told her I'd speak to her soon. Being the intuitive little vixen, though, she added, "Yes. Call me tonight! I want to know how work goes!"
An hour later and I was showered, dressed and feeling like myself again. At this rate, I'd be in the office by 7:30, which was good. I needed to catch up on lots and knew the quiet time an early arrival afforded me would be golden.
I pulled into my usual reserved space at the office and took the stairs to our floor. It felt good to be back. I was the first to arrive.
The morning quickly gained momentum and before long, S&P was bustling with people and usual Monday morning activity. Esme and I had a quick meeting to catch up and then we were scheduled for the weekly status meeting. Edward and I. My heart leapt into my throat as I thought about him for the first time since leaving him in bed.
"Ms. Swan, are you ready?"
Jessica's high-pitched whine snapped me out of my stupor. She stood in my doorway with a cup of coffee in her hand and a stack of new client files.
"Yes, of course," I said, standing and smoothing my skirt. "Thank you Jessica." I took the coffee and files and we walked down the hall together toward the conference room. I pretended not to notice the shock that flickered across her face and then disappeared.
With all of the work to catch up on, it had been easy to avoid Edward until now. And I hadn't prepared myself at all for facing him in that conference room. Still, I was a goddamned professional; I could more than handle myself. Do not think about Tanya -- anything but that bitch.
Jessica lingered in the doorway and I walked confidently to the head of the table and sat down. The account execs immediately ceased their individual conversations and looked to the front of the room with a certain measure of surprise. After all, I'd handed these meetings over to Edward months ago.
"Good morning all," I said firmly, still avoiding the emerald gaze to my immediate right. "I know you've all become accustomed to…Mr. Cullen running these meetings, so I won't take up much time this morning. Quickly I'd just like updates from you all on your new and existing accounts so that he and I can get up to speed on what's transpired over the last week."
The execs obediently provided Edward and I with their account status reports, and as quickly as I could, I excused myself. Turns out all I could think about was our weekend together -- and Tanya's text -- and neither were helping me concentrate.
As soon as my office door was closed, I launched into full panic mode. This morning had given me a temporary reprieve from consideration of the text and phone calls. Did Edward see the missed calls and call her back? Would she have mentioned the text? What should I do about this?
What bothered me was that I was more annoyed with the idea of Tanya pursuing Edward romantically than with the notion Aro was still trying to woo him away from Swan & Platte. And that, in turn, concerned me. Edward was mine. Hello bitchy, territorial, jealous Bella.
"Hello? Can I come in?" A soft knock and a muffled voice cleared the fog from my brain, and I cracked my office door to see him standing there, looking gorgeous as always. Fuck. I can't do this right now. But my hand opened the door and my head nodded in reply even as my foolish heart wanted to run away.
Edward stepped so close to me that instinctively I stepped back, and he shut the door behind him. I had to give him credit; his face was a perfect picture of composure and professional disinterest. It drove me a little crazy; I wanted to rip his clothes off.
"Hi," he reiterated, stepping toward me again. And again, I stepped back. He seemed to comprehend the gesture this time, and let his hands fall limply to his sides as he stood there. "I didn't get a chance to tell you -- I had a great time this weekend."
I just stood there like a fucking idiot, because really, what else could I do? No kissing, no hugging, no touching. So I was out of ideas.
"Listen, I realize we never discussed…ground rules…for coming back to work and everything," Edward added, running his hand through his hair. He was obviously nervous and despite aching to tell him it was no big deal and that we'd play it by ear, I was silent. I couldn't tell him those things; it wasn't like me. So of course I fucked it up by opening my mouth.
"Well, for starters, I think we should act as we always have. As if nothing has changed," I said, my voice icy. Shit. "I mean…we have to act…the same. Especially me. If I don't, people will know something's up."
I swore that I saw his shoulders slump with the impact of my words. He was going to have to put up with the Bitch Boss from Hell again; he was definitely thinking something along those lines, at least. But how was I going to pull it off? Being a total bitch to the man I loved did not sit so well with me.
"Edward, I don't relish the idea of being…like that," I whispered, unable to label myself with the title he had once bestowed. "But we need to keep up appearances. There's no way in hell I'm going to willingly attract that kind of attention -- to either of us." He nodded but said nothing else.
I straightened up and smoothed my skirt. "Mr. Cullen, if you could provide me with updates on your personal accounts by the day's end, that would be appreciated," I said, my voice sounding foreign and distant, even to me.
"Of course, Ms. Swan," he replied, his sad eyes betraying his even voice. "I'll get right on it." And he turned on his heel, opened my office door and was gone without so much as a backward glance.
Once I was alone again, I wracked my brain for something, anything to get me out of this fucked up situation. How the hell was I going to pull this off? Thankfully, at that moment my brain threw me a bone and delivered Tanya's text in all its glory, like it was being projected on a giant screen.
For the next four days, I piled on the work, threw Edward into countless account meetings all over the city and even made him get me coffee. That might have been pushing it. In retrospect, I was probably going out of my way to be a bitch, but I had a reputation to uphold, a company to run and both of our careers and reputations riding on my ability to play a part.
The weekend was fast approaching and Friday afternoon I had sent Edward on a wild goose chase, visiting a number of local printers. After the brochure debacle, I'd wanted to solicit new companies, and getting Edward out of the office and away from me killed two birds with one proverbial stone.
In anticipation of having Edward back to my place tonight for pizza and beer, I'd called Rose and Alice and asked them if they minded a rain check this week. Alice, of course, was ecstatic to spend the evening with Jasper. Rose's voice suggested she was slightly miffed, but she covered it well and told me that Emmett had tickets to a Capitals hockey game -- box seats -- so she wasn't going to be available anyways.
On her way out of the office for the weekend, Esme popped her head into my office and I mentioned the change in plans.
"Oh, that sounds like a wonderful idea B," she enthused. "Carlisle's shift doesn't end until tomorrow afternoon, so it'll be nice to just relax with a good book and a glass of pinot. On that note, have a great weekend and have fun tonight hon." She blew me a kiss and walked down the hall.
The office was eerily quiet as I continued to work. With most of the computers off in the other offices, the air was still and heavy and I jumped in my seat when the central air kicked on. The blast of warmer air sent a shiver down my spine, reminding me that it was in fact November.
I heard the distinct clank of metal against the glass doors to the office and moments later a very disheveled and frustrated Edward kicked at my slightly ajar door with his foot and immediately entered my office. His arms were laden with folders, glossy brochures, booklets and some other items I assumed came from printers; a few items slipped from his grasp and fluttered to the floor as he dumped them rather unceremoniously onto my desk.
"Here. I did all of your fucking errands like a good boy," he spat. "I sincerely hope it was worth it, Bella."
Edward was fucking pissed. It hadn't taken much. Before we were together he'd been much more tolerant of my bullshit and bossiness. Apparently he thought things were going to be easier now. Did I want that? Absolutely. But that was not reality. And I needed to remind him of that before he exposed us.
"First of all, lower your voice," I whispered harshly. "I don't want anyone to hear you swearing at me like that. Second of all, you can't call me by my first name here."
For the first time in two weeks, Edward looked like he was about to explode, and I cringed at the familiar look. I'd gotten used to not seeing that expression.
"Look Edward, I'm really sorry," I began, taking note of how lame it sounded. "If you have better ideas for how to deal with this situation, I'm all ears. But after work; it's not safe to discuss things like that here."
"No one else is here, so don't worry," he said harshly, running his fingers angrily through his hair. Suddenly I noticed he seemed more upset than he should be over being sent on a printer hunt. "Can't we just…be normal here? Fuck. Why is this so hard?"
"Hard? It has to be hard because I'm your boss, Edward," I snapped, suddenly just as angry. Why is he mad at me? This shouldn't have come as a surprise to him. Maybe he'd like to go work for Aro after all. Fuck it. "If they find out that you're fucking your boss, how do you think that'll go over, huh? Do you really think they'll have any respect for you or me? Everything I've worked for will have been for nothing, and your reputation and mine will be destroyed. So I'm sorry this is so hard on you, Edward, but it's hard on me too. And I have no fucking idea what to do about it."
Resentment and fear flowed through my veins with every frantic beat of my heart. Edward was keeping things from me -- rather important things, in my opinion -- and I was too much of a coward to confront him. He was angry about something, and all I could assume was that he didn't like slipping back into the subordinate role now that we were back in Seattle.
"Nothing's ever going to change, is it?"
It was so quiet, I almost didn't hear it.
"What? What do you mean," I asked. "What are you talking about?"
Edward heaved an exaggerated sigh and fell into one of my office chairs.
"This," he said, gesturing, "…isn't going to change. You're afraid, and I can't change that, can I?" I just stared at him, disbelieving where this conversation might be going. We are not having this conversation right now.
"Edward, I…"
"No, you need to listen!" he exclaimed, interrupting me and holding up his hand as he jumped out of his seat. "Admit it. You don't do any of this posturing for my benefit. It's all for you -- always has been. You're so damn afraid of being hurt that you don't see anything or anyone else. And you certainly can't get out of your own fucking way. I know this isn't just about 'fucking the boss.' There's still a big piece of you locked away somewhere in there, but it doesn't matter what I do, does it?"
His accusations were a slap to my face and my hackles were instantly up as I countered.
"Wait just a fucking minute," I said, enraged. "Let's talk about who's afraid and who's hiding things, shall we?" I took a step toward him and poked him in the chest as hard as I could manage with my finger. "I've been nothing but forthcoming with you in regards to our romantic and work relationships. Too bad you haven't managed to give me the same courtesy."
"Wh-what?" Edward stammered. "What the hell are you talking about?" I had him cornered and I knew it. The competitive, bitchy beast in me thrilled as this knowledge coursed through my body.
"What did Aro offer you? Huh? You've obviously been in contact -- maybe more than contact -- with Tanya since Chicago. She seemed to be pretty taken with you and was practically begging for you to go out with her," I sneered. "So is there anything you'd like to tell me?"
"How'd you…" he began.
I cut him off, answering, "Sunday night while you were in the shower, she sent you a text. I erased it."
For a moment Edward stood a foot away from me, my finger still pushing into his chest. Even through his silk tie I could feel the plastic of the shirt buttons. I memorized the feeling as I waited for an explanation, my finger rising and falling with his chest as he huffed. We were staring each other down, neither of us willing to bend. There was fire in Edward's emerald eyes; it made their depths even darker than usual.
"Unbelievable," he seethed. "You're calling the shots; you have been from the beginning. God! Why didn't I fucking see this? Well, now I'm going to call one of my own. I'm won't do this anymore. Damn it Bella! I love you so much. But you're so damn proud and stubborn and fucked up that you're willing to throw it away for perception and what things appear to be!
"You're never going to stop torturing yourself, are you? It will never be enough. You will ever be enough. I will never be enough. Bella, I gave you all of me. I deserve the same from you. This is over."
The torrent of words flowed from his mouth like a flood, slamming into me, and I choked and swallowed them. The air in my lungs seemed to leak out of my pores; I was having trouble taking a steady breath. It puzzled me to consider that I might be having some sort of physical reaction as the man I loved informed me he was systematically removing himself from my life.
Finally I sucked in a decent bit of air and decided to use it to my advantage. It might be my last opportunity to plead for us.
"Edward, please…don't do this," I croaked. My fingers instinctively sought him, but he stepped out of reach and closer to the door. Again I begged, "Please…you can't…I won't…Edward."
But he shook his head and turned away from me. I was paralyzed with fear that I'd just witnessed the final straw, the last insult that broke him. And it fractured me into a fucking million pieces to know that I did this to him. To us. The air in the room was being sucked out as I struggled not to crumple, and Edward seemed to debate his next move.
"I've got to get out of here," he muttered, most likely to himself. With one last look, he added, "Please know that I'm doing this for you," and then he walked out.
The breath I'd been holding rushed out of my lungs and I doubled over, using my desk to keep me upright. For what seemed like hours, I focused on my breathing -- in and out; in and out -- and tried in earnest to determine how I'd fucked this up so badly. But my brain was incapable of reason. I stumbled to the phone and dialed instinctively.
"Bella? Hi hon! What's up?" I couldn't reply immediately, choking back tears and hiccupping into the receiver. "Bella! What's wrong? What happened? Talk to me sweetheart! Are you alright?"
"Esme…" I managed. "He…h-he left. It's o-over." I needed to sit down. This was not happening. What had I done?
"Bella, try to calm down and breathe," she said quietly. "Who left?"
"E-Edward. He s-said…it's over."
"Okay, okay," she said, and I imagined if she were here she'd be smoothing my hair as she said those words. It made me want my mother. The realization brought fresh tears to my eyes, and this time I couldn't staunch them. "Honey, can you drive?"
"Mmm-hmmm."
"Okay, then can you make it to my house? Why don't you come on over sweetheart," she suggested. "Just lock up and come over. I'll take care of you."
Robotically I gave her an "okay" and hung up; then I shut off the lights, gathered my coat and briefcase and locked the doors behind me. Sitting behind the wheel, I suddenly wondered how I'd gotten into the garage so quickly. Get a grip, and just get to Esme's. I slowly pulled out of the parking garage and made my way to her house.
As soon as I pulled into her driveway, the front door opened and she met me at my car, opening the door for me. She captured me in an embrace, and it broke the slight hold I had on my self-control. The tears spilled silently and unabated as Esme rubbed my back and murmured, "Shhh…it's going to be okay," over and over again.
She brought me into her house and sat me on the couch with tissues and a glass of water. Esme sat in front of me on the ottoman and quietly asked me to tell her what had happened. After I had recounted the events as clearly as I could remember them, she was silent. And I was scared. I knew it was my fault; I couldn't bear to hear the words slip from Esme's mouth, so I spoke first.
"Esme, I really screwed up," I whispered. My eyes focused intently on the tissue balled in my hand. "I know I did this. You don't have to say anything. I just needed to…I didn't want to be alone."
"It's alright Bella; I'm glad you called me," she answered. "Why don't you just sit and relax here for a while, okay? Feel like pasta for dinner?" I nodded weakly in thanks and she patted my leg and disappeared into the kitchen.
Exhausted, I laid down after discarding my heels and pulled a throw over myself. Esme, by not saying anything about who was at fault, had essentially agreed with me. Always the mother, though, I knew she loved me unconditionally. I am going to fix this mess. Esme deserved better. Within minutes I felt myself tumble toward sleep, but not before I heard her phone ring.
"Hello? Yes. Oh hi," she said, the last part of her greeting in a hushed tone. "Oh, hon, please don't worry about that. I don't think you've put me in the middle of anything. Yes, she's here and she told me what happened." There was marked silence for a few minutes, and I strained to eavesdrop. "I understand completely Edward, and I wholeheartedly agree. Yes. Of course. I would expect nothing less from you. Bella? Don't worry about her. She has the whole weekend to think about this. I will. Good. I'll see you on Monday Edward. Good-bye."
My heart leapt at the knowledge that I hadn't driven Edward to quit. Again. But that also meant I'd have to face him on Monday…as his ex-girlfriend? How was I going to do that? Fuck. Honestly, how could I? What would I say? How would I act normal -- nice or not -- to him, after what had transpired? How could the two of us continue working side by side?
There were too many questions now. Too many uncertainties. As I laid there listening to Esme make me dinner, one thing became clear.
I needed to get out of Seattle. Now.
A/N: Now please don't all send me the hate reviews all at once! Bella needs a reality check -- a real one -- and Edward's just the one to give it to her. See - even Sweetward has his limits. Get ready for some real soul-searching from Bella...with the help of her friends and family. And please trust me -- I know what I'm doing! :) The poem in this chapter was Love's Philosophy by Percy Bysshe Shelley.
Don't forget to leave any suggestions for my one-shot on the forum thread or in your review/comments!