Yup, you know the drill: I still don't own anything.

Part twenty-five:

May 25, 2012
5:12 PM EDT

"Hey, stop it," Penelope ordered. "Fingers out of the pie dough."

"But I'm hungry," Emma whined. "And you give us the trimmings anyway –"

Penelope sighed. "I only made enough crust for two pies," she said, her temper being tested. "And both are for dinner, so get your fingers out – EMMA!"

"No fair," Emma pouted.

"Go do your homework," Penelope sighed.

"What's going on?" Derek asked as he came in the front door to chaos.

"MOM'S BEING MEAN," Emma shouted, storming upstairs and slamming the door.

Penelope rolled her eyes and sighed as she looked over at Brielle, who was sitting in her bouncy seat on the countertop, burbling and sucking on her fingers. "At least you'll back me up, right?" Penelope teased, leaning over to kiss the baby before she grabbed the rolling pin to attack the dough on the counter.

"What happened?" Derek asked as he came into the kitchen, unbuttoning his shirt cuffs and rolling them up. "Emma's pretty pissed."

"Emma just wants to eat all the pie crust," Penelope sighed. "And there isn't enough, so she can go stew in her room."

"Why are you even baking?" Derek asked. "We're going out –"

"Excuse me, but WE'RE not doing anything," Penelope said, waving the flour-coated rolling pin in his face. "I'm still not speaking to you and I'm not fucking you, either. YOU have plans, but I'M spending the night in, making spinach and feta pie and a peach pie. And even if we weren't fighting, who the hell would watch the kids so we could go out anyway?"

"You're talking an awful lot for not speaking to me," he commented dryly, leaning down and kissing Brielle's forehead. "Hi, Little Miss – your Mama's being silly again, isn't she?" he asked in a teasing voice that made the baby squeal. "And Hotch's sister-in-law was going to take all the kids tonight so we can go out as a team."

Penelope huffed. "I'm not part of the team at the moment," she said, carefully draping the crust over a pie plate. "So you go right ahead and go have fun – the kids and I will enjoy a quiet dinner and watch a movie."

Derek scowled at her, then grabbed her hips and yanked her back against him. "You're gonna put on something sexy and we're going to pretend that everything is okay," he growled, nibbling on her neck. "Because you can't stay at home forever, Mrs. Morgan."

"Wanna make a bet?" Penelope challenged. "I'm pissed at you. I'm not going out and ending up watching you shake your ass with some twit at the bar. No, thank you."

"It's just drinks, Baby Girl."

"We're fighting."

"You're fighting – I already apologized."

"Apologies don't make it better," she said, trying to ignore how good it felt to have him pressed so close to her. "You could've been killed and you just want to blow it off like it's not going to happen again." She poured the spinach and feta filling out of a bowl and smoothed the top of the pie with her spatula. "So forgive me for being pissed off."

"Your mom is kinda dumb," Derek commented to Brielle who stopped sucking on her fingers and started making fussy noises. "C'mere, Little Miss," he said, releasing Penelope so he could get the baby out of her seat. "Let's go change your diaper and put you in a nice clean outfit – so Auntie Jess doesn't have to –"

"I'm not going out," Penelope called after him as she prepped the second pie. "So don't worry about getting her changed."

"Mama is being stubborn again," Derek said loudly from the stairs. "It's about time Daddy taught her a lesson, isn't it, Princess?"

"Not funny, Derek," Penelope shouted back.

"MOOOOOOM," Emma whined from upstairs. "Why can't we go to Jessica's? Derek said –"

"Oh for the love of GOD," Penelope grunted. "Stop whining at me, Emma."

"You know, Baby Girl, if you just say yes to going out, all of this will go away," Derek promised on a shout.

"I wish you all would go away sometimes, but that hasn't happened," she replied snarkily.

"Put the pies in the fridge, Baby," Derek insisted from upstairs. "We'll eat 'em tomorrow –"

"Yeah, Mom!" Declan chimed in finally.

Three against one – the odds were definitely not in her favor. She sighed and covered the pies with cling film and put them in the fridge: overnight wouldn't hurt them. She didn't really want to go out, but if it meant a night off, maybe she could live with it?

When she came out of the kitchen, Derek was standing at the top of the stairs with Brielle in his arms and a smirk on his lips. "Took you long enough, Mama," he commented.

She pointed at him, scowling. "You're still on my shit list," she said in as firm of a tone as she could muster.

"Well, I'll just have to do something to get off that list, now, won't I?" he teased with a lascivious grin on his lips. "You ready for that, Penelope?" He said it like a challenge.

Oh, yes, she was definitely up for resisting his 'charm'. "Good luck with that, asshole," she said, taking the stairs two at a time, brushing past him without pause. This was going to be fun.

This was going to be INCREDIBLY fun.

May 25, 2012
7:37 PM EDT

"Are you sure you should be drinking, Sugar Tits?" Penelope asked, raising an eyebrow. "Aren't you on painkillers?"

Emily scoffed and threw back a shot of vodka. "Ibuprofin, Baby Girl," she said. "And it's just a flesh wound."

"I wish you and Derek would stop saying that," Penelope grumbled.

Emily pulled off her jacket and sat down on the barstool nearest her friend. "It's true – I just got a bunch of glass in my arm," she said, showing off her bandages in her tank top. "No darts for me tonight – just drinking and maybe a ride home with some hot guy packing heat."

"Don't look at my dad when you say that," Penelope advised, swishing her wine around in its glass without really drinking any. "I might have to hurt you."

Emily grinned at her. "When did we stop talking, BG? I mean… we talk, but not like we used to."

"Life got in the way," Penelope said very softly. "Derek got in the way."

"Beers around," Derek said, setting down a pitcher and some mugs. "You want anything else, Mama?"

Penelope gave him a frosty look and turned her attention back to Emily, effectively cutting him off. "We should do a spa day with JJ sometime," she commented. "It would be good for morale, I think –"

"Hey, we're here!" JJ announced, rushing up and helping herself to the beer. She hugged Emily, then hugged Penelope, too. "Anyone up for darts?"

Will rolled his eyes and moved to Penelope's side. "You okay?" he asked.

She smiled up at him and replied, "Absolutely – thanks for your help the other night." She drew him down and pressed a kiss to his cheek. "MY HERO," Penelope said pointedly, earning a glare from Derek. "You can share my wine, if you want –"

"I'll take you up on that, Kitten," Rossi said as he joined the group. "Sorry, I had to take a phonecall with one of the ex-wives that can't stand me."

"Where's Hotch?" Emily asked, chuckling as she poured herself a mug of beer. "Did he get lost on the way over from the office or what?"

Penelope kicked her under the table. "So, the case was nasty?" she inquired.

"We definitely could have used your skills," JJ said. "Most of the time, we were chasing our tails, but it's mostly because Lynch kept screwing up and sending us in the wrong direction. The man has no intuition and no talent. I don't even know why they keep him."

"I thought he quit," Penelope mused.

"Oh, no, he's currently polluting your office with Cheetos crumbs and Mountain Dew," Emily said, wrinkling her nose. "And he's back to hitting on me, which is just disturbing."

"Maybe you should shoot him and put him out of his misery," Will said jokingly, winking at Penelope.

"Good idea," Penelope replied cheerfully. She caught Derek staring at her and smirked inwardly before she drained her glass of wine. "So, darts then?" she inquired. "I could use some practice – it's been a while."

"Shit, I'm out," Emily pouted. "I guess that means more shots!"

Reid sauntered up, Hotch not far behind. "You started without us," Reid accused.

Derek slammed a mojito down in front of Penelope. "Drink up," he grunted.

She raised an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"

"I'm taking Prentiss dancing," Derek said firmly. "So go throw your darts and drink the mojito you wanted but didn't ask for because you've got a stick up your ass and you want to act like a fucking priss."

"Whoa," Emily said, "I'm not even touching that with a ten foot pole. And I'm not dancing with you," she added for good measure, glaring at Derek.

"Darts," JJ said, grabbing Penelope's elbow and dragging her from the table. "What's up between you two?" she asked quietly as she grabbed three darts and handed them to Penelope, then got three more for herself.

"We're having a fight, but he claims not to be fighting – till now," Penelope said with a tiny smirk. "Once he admits that he's a stupid idiot for taking such huge risks, I'll let him off the hook. Till then, he's not getting any and I'm going to punish him in every way possible."

JJ threw first. "Sounds… very you," she commented.

"Meaning what?" Penelope inquired, taking her turn and missing by a mile. Focus. She needed to focus. On anything but her glowering husband who was nursing a beer like a wounded bear.

"Meaning you're being slightly unreasonable," JJ said. "Which is okay sometimes, but he didn't tell you the truth about what happened because he didn't want you to worry. They weren't on a stakeout. He and Prentiss went in with minimal backup to flush the guy out." She paused, then said, "So you can cut Derek a little slack, okay?"

Penelope glanced over at him and sighed. "I kind of was hoping for a real fight, so we could have really hot make-up sex," she admitted, "but he just isn't rising to the bait."

JJ chuckled. "Well, you should do something more drastic, then."

"Maybe I should dance with Will," Penelope said with a snicker. "That might get Bonehead's attention."

"Hey, leave my fiancé out of it," JJ said.

It took Penelope a moment, but then she squealed. "Congratulations!" she shrieked, grabbing JJ in an overly enthusiastic hug. "Oh my goodness!"

JJ smiled and blushed. "Yeah," she agreed. "He asked the question before we left the house. Not exactly romantic, but – we can't all have roses and violins, right?" She held up her hand and let Penelope squeal over the simple diamond ring.

"What's going on?" Reid inquired, wandering over with a glass of rum and coke in one hand.

"Will and JJ are getting married!" Penelope cried.

"Finally?" Reid asked.

"Oh, shut up, genius," Penelope groused, pressing her remaining dart into his hand. "You take my last turn – I have to run to the loo." She headed to the restroom and did what needed doing, then took a moment and primped in front of the mirror. She wasn't entirely cruel – she was just going to play Derek and get him jealous and riled up within an inch of his sanity before she took him to bed and rocked the house to its foundation.

Mama was a little horny and she didn't want to back down and pretend that she'd lost the larger battle. She just wanted to have an excuse to unleash some of that excess energy that was coiling in her belly. So she'd worn her best strutting boots and a sexy wrap dress – and no panties with her silk stockings and garter belt. He wouldn't know what hit him.

She headed back into the main room, knowing that she'd have to fend off a few random guys along the way. She smiled sweetly as she took her seat back at the table, following Emily's gaze to the corner where Derek was dancing with some –

Penelope grabbed the mojito and chugged it. "So much for marriage being sacred," she muttered, earning a sympathetic pat on the arm from Emily.

"You want me to hit him?" Hotch inquired.

"Nope," Penelope said. "Let him make an ass out of himself." She smiled and pulled off her rings. "Two can play this game," she commented, putting the rings in her purse and slipping from the stool to make her way to the bar.

Just as she suspected: the bartop was full of men who not only wanted to buy her drinks, but also wanted to bed her. It was the boots – or her enormous rack. Either way, she found someone who bought her another glass of wine and took her out onto the dance floor.

It wasn't so much that she didn't dance as much as that she didn't dance in public. Dirty dancing in her underwear was entirely different from being in front of people, tearing up the dance floor. And as soon as she felt hands on her ass, she was reminded very strongly of why she didn't –

"Get your fucking hands off of my wife," Derek snarled, grabbing her elbow and yanking her out of the man's grasp. "Penelope –"

"Don't touch me," she muttered. "You dance with the hussies and what, I'm supposed to just –"

He kissed her, effectively shutting her up. She didn't mind Derek's hands on her ass, cupping and squeezing, making no bones about her being his territory. As soon as he let her breathe again, she reached up and slapped him. She knew she was playing with fire, but she liked the simmering burn in his eyes when his lips crashed against hers again.

"Isn't that adorable?" they heard Emily cry. "I'm buying the next round – because Penelope always gets what she wants in the end!"

"You did that on purpose?" Derek asked, slightly incredulous.

She put her rings back on and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "I'm talking to you now," she murmured. "But only so you admit that you need to stop taking so many risks." She threaded her fingers with his and pulled him to the table. "And I'll dance with you if it keeps you from grinding against barely legal bitches who can't appreciate you."

"You're all I need," he said.

"Aww, that's so… disgusting," Emily commented. "What are you bitches drinking?"

"We're going home," Derek said.

"Time to rock the casbah?" Hotch asked with a smirk.

Penelope snickered. "I'm pretty sure we're going to break the bed tonight," she said sweetly.

Rossi choked on his wine. "I never want to hear anything like that again," he croaked.

Penelope decided to throw her father a bone. "Maybe you should take Emily home," she said. "She's clearly had enough to drink –"

Emily snickered. "Right, BG – PG – PM." She facepalmed. "Yup, too much already –"

"I knew you'd had enough when you started doing tequila shooters," Penelope said. "Dad, take her home and put her to bed."

"Are we breaking up already?" Reid asked. "It's not even nine –"

"We have to get the kids," Derek reminded Penelope.

"We'll take them for the night," JJ volunteered. "You guys go on ahead."

"No, no," Penelope said, "you and Will just got engaged –"

Will grinned at her and winked. "We've got to practice for when we have a house full of kids," he teased, putting his arms around JJ's waist. "Go ahead. Your kids are safe with us."

"Are you sure?" Penelope asked worriedly. "We can take Brielle home and –"

"Pen," JJ said with a smile, "go home and get freaky with your husband. We've got this. I promise. And if something goes wrong, I will call – your dad. Okay?"

"C'mon," Derek wheedled, grabbing her around the waist and hugging her tight, pressing against her butt and breathing lightly on the side of her neck. "One night isn't going to hurt anything."

Penelope frowned, then sighed. "Okay, well –"

"Go get freaky," Emily ordered, finishing off the pitcher of beer with a flourish. "And then take a couple aspirin and call Reid in the morning." She giggled at her own joke – a clear sign that she'd had way too much to drink.

Rossi rolled his eyes and grabbed Emily's jacket. "C'mon, kiddo, it's definitely time for you to go home," he said. "Are you sure you didn't take anything stronger than Advil?"

"Only percoset," Emily said cheerfully, hopping down from her stool and swaying. She grinned over at Rossi and gestured for her jacket – which she put on backwards. "Whoopsie," she said, laughing.

"Good luck," Derek said pointedly to Rossi. "See you in the morning."

"Not too early," Penelope added with a smirk.

Rossi just shook his head and sighed – not at all indulgently.

"Penny's gonna get schtupped," Emily giggled.

Penelope rolled her eyes and said, "You're going to get a very rude phonecall in the morning when you're heaving." It wasn't an idle threat, either: she would do it.

"God, remember the good old days?" Emily asked, spinning around and laughing as Rossi caught her in his arms. "We'd drink a whole bottle of tequila and do target practice – and my Baby Girl would never fucking miss, not even drunk off her ass!" She laughed and swayed in Rossi's arms. "Yeah, time to go home now before I get nostalgic and cry and stuff…"

Penelope pinched the bridge of her nose and said, "I have a headache."

Derek smirked and nuzzled her neck. "Let's go home and have target practice, baby," he teased.

She rolled her eyes and blushed.