You deserved a huge apology for the delay, so instead of uploading an author note telling you what you already knew, I decided to wait until I had an apology with some weight behind it (in the form of an update). I hope you enjoy it.
Ashley reached underneath the spare pillow for her phone when she heard its muffled alert to a new message. She replied to the question —that she was, in fact, awake, and pressed send, waiting mere seconds to hear back. When the reply came through and Ashley read it, a brow was arched. She read Spencer's text twice, and then three times before she sent: I just lost my eyebrows. I think they're in my hair somewhere...
In her own bedroom, safe and warm in her own bed, Spencer smiled. She called Ashley's number and waited for her to pick up.
"You're this town's worst candidate for the subtlety award. You know that, right?"
"I meant next to you!" Spencer clarified her question of asking if she could sleep with Ashley. "Send the ladder over if you want to."
Ashley's voice carried a different quality to it so late at night, but it sounded lighter when she said, "Okay."
When Spencer was making the climb over the railing, she reached for Ashley though she was perfectly capable of making it over without her support. Feet firmly planted on the floor, she wrapped her arms around her and held Ashley's body close, hugging her because it had been a long time since they'd just hugged.
In her pyjamas, Spencer didn't wait for another invitation into Ashley's bed and got under the covers quickly. The temperature outside had been harsh against her bed-warmed skin. She put Ashley's presents under the bed, careful not to let her see with the light on.
"Happy birthday," Spencer said once she was in bed beside her. She saw a smile almost right away.
"Thanks."
"Was I the first one to say it?" she asked, similarly to the way she'd always asked if she was the first one to wish her best friend a happy birthday.
"You're always the first one to say it."
The times she wasn't, if Spencer had been beaten to it by her mother or father, Ashley would still tell her she was first.
Spencer leaned over and kissed Ashley's cheek, closing her eyes when her lips touched soft skin. Ashley leaned in to her touch, and turned to face her when she pulled away. Dark, penetrating eyes pierced through Spencer as soon as they landed on her.
Ashley was awake at just after midnight on a school night for two reasons. The first one was because originally she'd been anticipating a call or message from Spencer to wish her a happy birthday, and the other was because she'd been trapped in a daydream for over an hour. It was more than sufficient timing to get worked up thinking about Spencer and what they could be doing in the bed they were both lying in. The persistent ache between her legs throbbed when she thought of Spencer's head between them.
Spencer stretched her leg forward and stopped when her skin came into contact with Ashley's. "Why were you up so late?" she asked, reaching to play with Ashley's fingers that were resting on the curve of her hip.
It was distracting, and Ashley stumbled over her words, eventually settling on, "Thinking."
"About what?"
Ashley hesitated when Spencer stopped playing with her fingers and interlocked them, holding her hand. "Uh... I don't know if you know, but you're holding my hand."
Spencer wasn't oblivious. From the look in Ashley's eyes and the loose hold of her hand, with the added bonus of having their legs pressed against each other's, she had felt her pulse accelerate. It was either hold her hand or attack her mouth with her own, and that seemed too predictable though not out of the question. "I tried not to."
She hadn't tried at all, and they both knew it. Spencer couldn't be in bed with Ashley and not touch her.
"It's not still too soon?"
Spencer held on tighter. "No."
"I was thinking about you," Ashley said.
That's all Spencer needed to hear before she smiled and moved her head to the edge of her pillow. "Happy birthday."
"You said that."
"Come here, let me say it again."
Ashley did as she asked. "I'm listening."
"Close your eyes."
"So you can draw on my face?"
"Yeah."
Spencer watched Ashley's eyes fall shut, and leaned in, pressing her lips against Ashley's in a soft, closed-mouth kiss.
Despite wanting nothing more than to pull her on top, Ashley didn't push for more, simply returning the kiss until Spencer pulled away. There was something about the way Spencer looked at her when she opened her eyes, something familiar that hadn't been as overt in a long time. It made Ashley's heart beat faster.
Before she could say a word, Spencer leaned in to her body, reaching behind her to switch the light off. Then, much like seconds before while Ashley was still reeling, Spencer turned over and pulled Ashley's arm with her, securing it around her body until she could feel the other girl's front pressed against her back. It was safer like this. They couldn't go as far as last time unless she was ready to be with Ashley completely. It wouldn't be fair to either of them, no matter how easy it would be to turn over and be with her the way they both wanted to be.
At one point in the night when their bodies had separated, unable to get comfortable even after turning the pillow over to the cold side and placing it at an angle, Spencer moved down the bed and draped her leg over Ashley's, pulling her top down to cover her skin before resting her head halfway down the curve of her back.
She woke early the next morning, so much so that she was able to sneak back into her own house and take a shower, getting ready for school in half the time it usually took, and be back in Ashley's bed before seven a.m.
Ashley's alarm was set for one minute past seven —not one to get up exactly on the hour. The first thing she saw after groping for the snooze button was Spencer sitting up next to her, wide awake as she tapped a birthday balloon to keep it in the air. She was sent a bright smile.
"Happy birthday," she said excitedly, gently tapping the balloon in the birthday girl's direction.
It bounced off Ashley's face, falling down to her shoulder. "I didn't think you'd be here this morning."
"Where else would I want to be?"
"In Kyle's bed?" Ashley joked.
Spencer gasped. "Low blow!"
When Ashley got out of bed with an amused snicker, she had to kick her way through the mass of balloons littering her bedroom floor. She noted Spencer's perfect appearance. "You wake up looking like that?"
"Yep," Spencer stretched back down the bed while she waited for Ashley to get ready. "And smelling like this."
When Ashley had cleaned up and made her way back to her room, there was a knock at the door and, unlike Paula; Christine didn't wait a polite few seconds before entering her daughter's bedroom.
"This isn't what it looks like," Spencer was quick to say, forgetting that she'd already seen Raife downstairs and was fully clothed underneath the covers.
"It looks like you came up to wish Ashley a happy birthday before anyone else."
Relief. "Then it's exactly what it looks like."
Christine smiled and rushed across the other end of the room where Ashley was choosing an outfit to wear, sweeping her up in a sudden hug with repeated wishes of happy birthday and kisses to her face.
When Christine urged Ashley to hurry down for breakfast and started towards the door, Spencer echoed the orders.
"I'll get something before class," Ashley said. She hated a fuss.
"You're not leaving unless we've all had breakfast together," Christine said, her voice light but still carrying a tone of authority.
Ashley's shoulders slumped. "Then I guess I'm not going to school. Damn."
Spencer smiled at her reluctance to attend school. It was a common theme for her birthday; occurred annually, followed by a comment about wishing her birthday was during summer instead of February.
"You have to eat," she urged, knowing Raife had made a start on every breakfast item on record. She'd be full till dinner time. "I helped," she said, hoping it would influence the brunette's decision. "And I mean, I don't set a fancy table but the kitchen's awful homey," Spencer cited.
A spark of recognition passed through Ashley's eyes and she bit back a smirk. "Okay!" she said to her mother still stood in the doorway, waiting for an acceptable answer. "I'll hurry up."
"You won't listen to me, but you listen to Spencer?" Christine questioned with a shake of her head. "It seems old times are new again."
Once the door was closed, Ashley looked over to the blonde still in her bed. "You know, to get dressed, I have to get undressed."
Spencer reached under the bed for the gifts she'd hidden last night. "Come here, first."
Ashley didn't protest; crawling up the bed until she was sat in front of her. She opened her concert tickets with glee, informing Spencer she was to have the other ticket —to which she had already called mental dibs on. Opening a jewellery box, Ashley looked at the new guitar pick with a smile.
"I couldn't help but notice Kris forgot to include one at Christmas. What a moron," Spencer deadpanned.
Ashley laughed, turning it over in her hand. "Yeah, it did keep me up that night."
Before she could thank her, Ashley noticed there was still a weight to the box, like it had something else in there. She picked out the sponge to reveal a key underneath, and bit her lip. It was the key to Spencer's house, the one she had reluctantly given up several months ago.
"Are you sure?" she asked.
Spencer nodded.
"Thank you," Ashley said quietly.
Spencer leaned in and kissed Ashley's cheek. "You're welcome." She slapped her leg. "Hurry up!" she said suddenly, jumping out of bed to let Ashley get dressed in private.
/
"Hey, Ash!" Anton, the quarterback of the football team yelled from the top of the next flight of stairs. "Happy birthday, baby girl!"
With her mouth full of a smoothie Spencer had given to her, Ashley raised her hand in acknowledgement until she could shout her thanks.
"You need some birthday lovin', you come to me, you understand? Nobody's gonna make you feel the way Anton will make you feel, right?"
Ashley laughed politely. "I don't know about that."
"Don't think you could handle me?" he asked with an air of cockiness, teasing her.
She scoffed. "You couldn't handle me."
"Is that right?"
"Yep," Ashley confirmed. She looked to Spencer standing next to her, looking amused. "As your best friend in the entire universe, tell him he couldn't handle me."
Spencer shrugged. "It's true."
Anton sighed. "Well, what if I wanted to try anyway? How about a birthday kiss?"
"Oh, God," Spencer muttered, turning away in embarrassment.
"You know what? The fact that a guy as cute as you offered to give me a kiss on my birthday is more than enough," Ashley dodged.
Anton straightened up, eyeing her sceptically. "Some punk beat me to the birthday kiss? Who?"
"Why?"
"I gotta know whose face to look for when I break his legs."
Behind him, Emily frowned, unable to get past. "Excuse me!" she barked.
He looked around, unsure over her sudden outburst. "Don't be trippin'. We're just talking."
"Whatever," Emily dismissed, sliding past him to get to Spencer. "Hey Spencer."
"So, how many guys have asked you out today?" Anton asked.
"Three, including you," Ashley answered. "It's embarrassing or maybe a little flattering if they didn't look like they want just one thing."
His friend called him from the next floor up, hanging over the railing. "Find me if they get outta hand, right?" he said upon stepping back up the stairs. "Not Glen. As nice as the guy is, he ain't no match for me. I got no problem beating pushy, wannabe Casanova's."
When he left, Ashley turned to an amused Spencer. "Why couldn't my birthday start out with gifts and then segue right into the weekend where I could actually celebrate?"
"And miss out on seeing Mr. Purdy this afternoon? Unthinkable."
After saying hi to a distracted Emily, Ashley had a sip of her smoothie. She chewed on the straw before she leaned into Spencer's ear. "I should just tell everyone I'm really, really gay, then maybe I'd be left alone."
"Yeah, that's exactly what all the guys —and maybe even some of the girls in this school would do," Spencer remarked dryly.
Emily observed the girls' behaviour curiously. "What are you whispering about?"
"You," came Ashley's response.
"Well, do it in class. Mr. Riley will give me detention if I'm late again."
The hallways were crowded and when they reached their classroom, Emily chose one of the back corners for the three of them to sit, looking over to the right corner which was occupied by Ramona and her minions. She turned her nose up at the mindless girls.
The class filled quickly, and half an hour passed before they knew it. When Mr. Riley had instructed his students to begin work on their essay, Ashley turned around in her seat and plucked the pen out of Spencer's hand as she was in the middle of writing her introduction.
"Distract me. We're by the windows on the second floor and I just remembered I'm in school on my birthday."
Spencer burst into song without hesitation, singing until her teacher asked her to quieten down and a screwed up piece of paper was thrown at her head. She laughed it off, leaning forward to take Ashley's wrist who had taken it upon herself to stand up on her seat, looking over the heads of the tallest guys in the class.
"Ashley, it was paper, not a bomb."
Ashley continued to glare at the Ramonettes. "Which one of you has the death wish?"
In the middle of the class, Lisa looked up from her notebook. She'd been suspended for a week and back at school for two. So far she'd kept to herself. "I think she goes by 'Spencer' these days."
"Suck my dick, trailer park," Ashley snapped, jumping down from her chair.
"Hey!" Mr. Riley raised his voice. "Sit down. I don't care if it's your birthday, I don't want that talk in here. Take it up after school."
Lisa pursed her lips, looking smug. She turned to her teacher. "Can I get my notes from last week? They're in my locker."
"Go ahead, Lisa."
She rose from her seat. "I bet you wondered if you'd even get to this day, right, Ashley?" she taunted.
Spencer saw Ashley's face darken and put a hand on her arm, telling her to ignore her. Ashley had to be on her best behaviour for her parents to allow her to go to the concert out of town in a few weeks.
When Mr. Riley's head was down grading assignments from another class, Spencer picked up her spare pen, flinging it out of the door Lisa had just left through. It missed her.
"Mr. Riley, I dropped my pen."
He didn't look up, distracted. "That's fine, Spencer."
She followed Lisa halfway and stood around the corner to the foot of the stairs, waiting patiently for her return. Once she saw Lisa reappear, notes in hand, Spencer stepped out from where she'd been hiding.
"Hey," she called out.
Lisa turned back with surprise. "Miss Goody two shoes is sneaking out of class now? What is the world coming to?"
Spencer stepped closer to her. "What do you think you're doing, Lisa? All this crap with Ashley, what is it going to prove, other than how sad and lonely you are without a boyfriend? People aren't going to pity you."
"I don't want pity," Lisa denied. "I don't want anything from anyone anymore. Ashley pisses me off, end of story."
"You need to back off."
"Give her a birthday tip from me, okay? Tell her to get some swimming lessons."
Before she'd fully turned her back on Spencer, Lisa found herself shoved face-first into the wall.
Spencer wrenched a fistful of the girl's hair, pushing against her. "If you joke about it again, I'll make sure you never step foot back in this school."
Lisa struggled against her, wincing from her face being forced against the wall and the grip of her hair. "What are you going to do, Cinderella?" she asked through gritted teeth. "Throw a glass slipper and tell Ertman I did it? Please. You and Ashley aren't that close if a little fight got between you two for months."
Spencer leaned in closer. "I think you have no idea what I would do for her."
Upon observing Spencer casually stroll back into class, Ashley dropped her head into her hands. She could manage until lunch time, tops.
"I'm going to die if I have to stay here all day," Ashley uttered with disdain. Despite her over-expressed contempt, a smile reached her covered face when Spencer's mouth was next to her ear, voicing a Goonies reference just for her to hear.
"Maybe this will cheer you up," Emily said, coming to lean on the edge of her desk beside Spencer. She handed Ashley a birthday present. "It's only a little something but it'll help with your rage."
"What rage?"
"Seriously?"
Ashley smirked, impatiently tearing into her gift. It was a CD, and she couldn't help but quirk a brow at it. "Tibetan Incantations?" She looked up. "How are chanting Buddhist monks expected to do anything but turn me on?" Ashley said. "I think you should keep this one. I'm a big bitch when I'm sexually frustrated."
Emily looked horrified. "You're giving it back; the gift I spent good money on? Do you know how long it took to find this?"
Ashley glanced to Spencer for an appropriate response, and then held the CD close to her chest. "Just kidding." She flashed a smile. "I love it, thank you."
"I'm so glad you like it," Emily gushed excitedly, throwing her arms in the air. "First hug?" she squealed.
Ramona observed their hug from across the room and a smirk tugged at her lips. "Oh, man, I wish it was my birthday. Why doesn't anyone ever buy me meditation CDs?"
Emily spun around. "When is your birthday?"
"July."
"Hmm. Who knows, maybe you'll get the entire collection."
"You just got me all excited, Cooper."
"Don't be. I think of it as community service. The nicer you are, the less others will suffer."
Ramona shrugged. "I'll still cross off the days on my calendar."
/
It had started with a brush of their hands, innocent for all intent and purpose until, with the rest of the Carlin clan in her living room, Ashley felt the atmosphere shift to something a little thicker and spotted a subtle difference to the way Spencer was looking at her while she opened presents from Paula and Arthur, dodging questions from Glen about who had asked her out today.
"I don't know, Glen." Ashley couldn't think of an appropriate response when a blue gaze was raking over her body, consuming her.
"Not even one guy was worth your time tonight? You're that special?"
"So I don't feel like spending the night with a guy I don't know, what's the big deal?"
Glen shrugged. "Nothing, it's just that you could have any guy at that school and you're always single. I find it weird," he said.
"And I find it weird when I see you slobbering all over your girlfriend in the hallway," Spencer interjected on Ashley's behalf. "Nobody cares what you think, Glen. Leave her alone."
"I didn't mean it in a bad way!" he insisted. "I'm glad I don't have an ass to kick tonight. That is unless you've broken your streak of no dating, too?"
Paula sighed, looking to Ashley's uncertain face before finding her son's. "Glen, why are you interrogating them? I, for one, am happy if the girls are happy. You should feel the same way."
Arthur glanced to his wife and then the girls. He sported a warm, dopey smile. "I couldn't agree more."
Spencer's eyes found a captivating spot of fabric in her lap. Her face was warm with embarrassment. "Thanks, guys."
Glen didn't care anymore. He'd come over for a very specific reason. "Where's the cake?" he asked, heading into the kitchen anyway.
Arthur and Paula followed to make sure Glen waited for Ashley to distribute the cake and not scoff down half in one sitting like a rabid dog.
"So," Ashley prolonged the word, "wanna eat my face?"
Spencer's smile widened until she forced it away, shrugging nonchalantly. "Maybe."
Christine and Raife had ordered the cake from the oldest bakery in town. The owner, Margaret, was in her late eighties and had decades of experience to make the perfect cake. Ashley often professed her undying love for the woman. She'd even sent her an anonymous valentine's card once.
When cake had been eaten and the plates washed by an insistent Arthur, the Carlin family —minus Spencer left. With Christine and Raife still at work, Ashley flopped down on the sofa next to Spencer, their thighs touching.
It had caught her off-guard; Glen's sudden inquisitiveness. It also made her think, and it seemed to cause the same reaction for Spencer if their shared silence was anything to go by. Spencer had been quiet for the past ten minutes, even before they were alone.
"It doesn't matter what today is. There's no need to cushion it, but I have to know... do you want to be with me?" Ashley asked.
There it was, the question that had been headed her way for months, the past few weeks especially. Ashley sounded vulnerable, and Spencer made the mistake of looking at her. Fear and hope burst through dark eyes and rammed through her chest.
"There's no-one else I'd rather be with. I mean, I think I forgave you a long time ago, Ash," Spencer said, her voice quiet. Despite suddenly getting a little upset, she continued, "And I trusted you enough to be my friend when I asked, but there's just—there's one thing missing and I don't know what it is. I just know I miss you more than anything."
In a show of comfort, Ashley leaned forward and pressed her lips to Spencer's, one arm going around her shoulders where Spencer's head came to rest upon her own shoulder. She placed a kiss to soft hair.
"Do you think you'll figure it out soon?"
"I'm counting on it."
Ashley ran a tongue over her lips. They were quiet for a while until she asked, "You know what's funny?" Spencer's silence allowed her to continue. "As people, we forget things every day; to call someone back, birthday's, to turn a light off when we leave a room, words that have hurt us or used to haunt us, faces and voices of people who leave too soon, to rsvp... Time passes and we forget pain and the people who aren't in our lives the way we once wanted them to be. Time heals and scars fade, right?"
"Why are you saying this?"
"Because I think that's where we go wrong. As human beings, how are we expected to learn from mistakes when time heals and scars fade? There's nothing to learn from. We go around in some stupid fucking circle like a carousel. Like when you're not careful opening an envelope and you feel that sting that lets you know you were careless again; too eager, your skin splits and it hurts more than it should because it's so small. But a week passes and there's nothing there anymore. There's no reminder, so you just do it again and again and again, to the point where it's actually pathetic.
"Switch a paper cut with heartbreak and most people will notice you have a cut on your finger rather than the fact you've never been in so much pain in your entire life. I mean, you literally feel like you're dying, but there's never a wound or a scar. At least not physically, not unless you're looking at yourself in the mirror or someone you've known your entire life. When it's you or someone you've known since the beginning of time — or at least your time, you can actually see it. The difference is so evident that you wonder how nobody else has noticed.
"I look at you and sometimes you look so different that it makes me feel sick. And I don't mean that to sound like some sort of a dig because I've always thought you were the brightest light in this stupid town. But it's like you look harder, you know? You're less innocent and naive, and I hate that what happened with us did that to you. I hate that I did that to you when I didn't even realise what I was doing."
"Ash," Spencer cut in, "you don't have to say this. You don't have to do anything more than you've already done."
"I want to." Ashley continued. "I had this dream last week where you were just smiling at me, and you looked like you did before. It made me so happy but so sad at the same time because I knew you wouldn't look at me or anyone else like that the next time I saw you. And it was my fault. I did that."
"Why is any of this funny?" Spencer asked.
"I guess it's not. But as much of it applies to me that doesn't."
"What?"
"I don't forget. I never forget. I feel it every day and I see it every day, and I know that if you could ever give us another shot, I'd make you smile again. I'd make you smile and laugh and cry good tears, and I'd probably make you frown and scream and cry bad tears sometimes too, but I'd hope it wasn't often. And more than that, I'd hope you'd know I was sorry and let me make it better because no-one loves you the way I do and tomorrow you could do the same to me."
Spencer bit her lip.
Ashley cleared her throat. "And I could have said that in so many less words," she admitted with a smile of regret. "I know I've said it before, but so you know again, I'm sorry. Truly and completely, with everything I am, I'm sorry." She shrugged. "I don't know if it's too late now, but without actions or other people getting in the way, I still want you to know that. I want you to know I loved who I was whenever I was with you and I hope someday soon you smile like you used to. I don't even care if I'm not the one who does that for you, just that you do."
"Thank you." Spencer said, as if coming out of a brief trance. Her heart was beating wildly inside her chest.
/
"Why isn't anyone else here?" Spencer asked, hushed excitement seeping into her voice. She ran the blade of her left skate across the ice. This time, three days later, it was her turn to celebrate her birthday and part of Ashley's present was to take her ice-skating.
"It's closed for refurbishing," Ashley said. "The guy who runs this place, his daughter had leukemia and he owed my dad a favour for getting her a really good hair piece at an awesome price, so I dropped his name and it turned out I could have whatever I wanted."
"What did you want?"
"The place to ourselves," she said, like it was obvious. "I wasn't really listening after he'd said yes, but he mentioned something about Friday being opening night. I didn't want it to be packed when you fall on your ass more times than you can count."
"Thoughtful," Spencer laughed, adjusting the gloves on her fingers. "Hold out your hand."
Ashley did. "You're not going to fall. We're not even skating yet."
Spencer pushed a glove onto Ashley's outstretched hand. "But I might pull you with me. I don't want you to hurt your hands on the ice." She took a deep breath. "So what do you consider a success tonight? I'm excited to see if the lengthy break in skating has had a positive effect, but I don't know if I'll be up to Michelle Kwan's standard any time soon."
"No broken bones?"
That seemed reasonable.
"Zero broken bones can be considered a success," Spencer agreed. "Ready?"
"Are you?"
"Yeah." Spencer held Ashley's hand as she stepped one foot on the ice. "But you can't let go."
It was a good thing that Ashley had no intention to.
After almost two hours, it came to no great surprise that Spencer's body hurt from the amount of times she'd fallen down to the ice or strained a muscle from her many attempts at keeping herself and Ashley upright. But it was fun. She felt alive and free and happy, the way she always used to feel around Ashley. These days Spencer didn't have any reason to take Ashley's teasing so personally or have her retort be anything more than light-hearted or sarcastic.
It wasn't about getting one up on the other anymore, and the thought of more apologies at this point made both of them want to roll their eyes. It was time to move on completely.
The music playing was fast and upbeat and the beams shooting from the roaming coloured lights sparkled against the polished ice as Spencer managed to slow to a stop without falling.
She watched Ashley skate with ease, like it didn't require any effort at all.
Spencer thought of some of the things that plagued her thoughts when she was in bed most nights, going over the million things she wanted to do with Ashley again, and all the things they could do when they were older and the way they would continue to challenge and learn from each other, discover new sides to themselves that they didn't know were there.
Spencer's thoughts turned to the physical aspect of being with Ashley. Those kinds of thoughts usually kept her up way past her bedtime, especially lately. But mostly, they were of how much she couldn't imagine her life without Ashley as the most important part of it.
While Ashley was busy trying to invent the next big move in ice skating, Spencer recalled the dozens of times she'd been advised how to skate and smoothly slid one foot in front of the other until she was where she needed to be, all without slipping over.
It was a miracle.
It was almost time for the manager to come back from the pizza place next door. He had promised to make himself scarce until it was time to close up again and collect their skates.
"Hey," Ashley called out once she'd spotted Spencer off the ice, "what are you doing? I thought we agreed you weren't leaving the ice until you pulled off a triple axel."
Spencer's hand rummaged around inside her bag until she found what she was searching for. She shoved it inside her coat pocket and turned around.
"I was preparing."
Ashley gestured that the ice was hers.
It was like Spencer was on her balcony all over again, praying that no bones would be broken when she jumped down to the grass. "Prepare to be amazed."
They used to watch figure skating sometimes when they were younger, so she pulled visual of the jump inside her head and put her right leg forward, blade back to the ice.
Ashley's entertained smile was forgotten as she watched Spencer skate closer, gaining speed as she bent her knees slightly in preparation from the jump.
"Wait, Spence, I was kidding! You'll never be ready for that."
It was too late to stop and Spencer felt confident. She pushed her weight off both feet and pointed her elbows outward, twisting in the air once before she crashed down to the ice. She landed in a heap, sliding across the ice with surprising momentum until she slammed into Ashley and took her down with her.
Spencer's expression switched from surprise to pain to concern.
Once they'd slid to a stop in the middle of the rink, Spencer rolled on top of Ashley and pushed the hair away from her face. "Are you okay? I'm so sorry. That failed...spectacularly," she said with a wince. God, that had hurt.
"Ow," Ashley laughed.
"Are you okay?"
Spencer shifted, leaving Ashley painfully aware of their current position. "Been worse."
Finally, Spencer smiled. "That hurt."
Ashley nodded, moving them into a sitting position with Spencer's legs around her. She ran her hands over Spencer's back. "Anything broken, cracked, or sprained?"
"I'm not crying, so."
Ashley's fingers locked at the small of Spencer's back and watched as she took her gloves off, dropping them to the ice. Ashley was about to ask if she was sure when her hands were removed from Spencer's back so that her gloves could also be removed. Her hands were freezing.
"You want them to drop off?"
"That wouldn't be practical," Spencer said with a private smile. She pushed her fingers through Ashley's. "I want to feel your skin."
"Why?"
"Because I've missed you, and this, doing it whenever I want."
Ashley had waited a long time to hear her say that. "I missed you."
"You haven't given me a birthday kiss," Spencer said.
"I didn't know if I could."
"Ash, can I— can I ask you something?"
"Yeah," Ashley said, forcing her eyes to stay away from Spencer's mouth.
Spencer's grip tightened on Ashley's hands. "Do you love me as your friend?"
Ever since she could remember, Spencer Carlin was the only person in the world to make Ashley nervous like this. She didn't really understand why when it was a question she'd answered before. Maybe because this time it was asked with bright lights all around.
Ashley's reaction was crystal clear, everything about her in that moment screaming sincerity. "Of course I do."
Spencer nodded, saying it back without actually saying it. Her voice came out much softer this time. "Do you still love me more than that?"
"I'll always love you more than that."
Ashley's shoulders sagged slightly because God, what a relief it was to finally have that weight breathed out after so long. When Spencer looked over long lashes to smile at Ashley the way she always used to, it took approximately two seconds for tears to spring to her eyes.
"It's been so hard not to say it when I wanted to."
"But you still haven't said it," Ashley smiled.
Their hands separated and Spencer reached inside her pocket, extending one back with the grape Ringpop inside. She tipped forward until her lips brushed against Ashley's ear with each word. "I love you too." Spencer pressed them against Ashley's cheek and leaned back.
It was everything Ashley had needed to hear for months. It was why she also needed the answer to one more question. With one hand holding the Ringpop as well as Spencer's fingers, she asked, "Why?"
"Because underneath everything, all the crap we've brought upon ourselves, I still don't know how to call you anything other than my best friend. And I don't know how to lie to you and say you aren't the only person I want or need to be with in every sense of the word." Spencer kept her eyes intensely fixed on Ashley's. "I can love you and I can hate you, and there have been days where you've made me want to die, but there have been more where I've been so glad to be alive with you, to know you better than you know yourself. I know we have a lot to face —telling people is going to be fun, but we can do it if we have each other."
Ashley nodded, tears welled in her eyes. "You have me."
"You have me, too."
"You didn't hit your head tonight, did you?"
Spencer half-heartedly shoved Ashley's shoulder and then her expression sobered. "What you said the other day, that was it. I didn't know until you'd said it but that was all I needed to hear."
"Your head's not all over the place?" Ashley had to make sure. She needed to be absolutely certain.
"My head isn't all over the place. It's here, with you." Spencer's hand cupped Ashley's face. "It's always been with you."
The ice really didn't feel as cold when they had their arms around the other, kissing thoroughly.