Chapter 25
Kylo leaned against the railing in the bridge to gaze at the planet below him. Somewhere down there were Rey and his mother… And Hux's cat. He would need to remember to verify Millicent was on board the ship with Leia before he sent his mother the coordinates. Night had fallen for the Resistance base, and while Kylo was exhausted, he could not convince himself to seek rest.
"What are you doing, Rey?" he whispered to the stars outside. She should have had time to reach out to him before now, but the bond was firmly blocked from her end.
He abandoned the view and the bridge to head back to his quarters only to remember halfway there that Rose was staying in them that night. He narrowed his eyes in thought for a moment before marching swiftly to the ship bay where his own personal command shuttle was kept when not in use. The shuttle brought back memories of when he had found Rey and carried her aboard in his arms. So much had happened since that fateful day of the battle in Takodana and the destruction of Starkiller Base.
He went aboard his shuttle, changed into some spare, plain black nightclothes, and picked a bunk to sleep in. The ship could accommodate up to five people, so it would do for his mission to find Lando. More importantly, his ship gave him a private place to contemplate everything that happened. His morning had been full of repairing ships for the Resistance, and the rest of the day had been a blur of returning to the First Order, providing for Rose, and arranging for his next absence from leading the most powerful organization in the galaxy.
Kylo found it hard to believe that just the night previous he and Rey had been kissing in her room at her direction, and now… was she angry over his decision to help her sleep through the force? Did she regret kissing him? Was it something else entirely? Maybe she feared what would happen if they became more intimate?
His cheeks burned as he recalled how she had pressed her thighs against his sides. She fit inside his embrace like she belonged there. Her hesitant, gentle exploration of his features before their kiss caused his heart to ache, and he yearned to feel her presence so badly he shuddered. As he continued to reminisce, his ears rang, and reality felt off, somehow.
"Stop that," a voice said. It was off, like a fuzzy radio transmission that was zoning in on a clear frequency.
Kylo froze and opened his eyes to see Rey sitting at the opposite end of the cot from him. Her cheeks were blushed deeply, but she still looked him in the eyes and held his gaze. Kylo stared in wonder and reached out slowly towards her.
"Don't. I'm here, but don't touch me," she said.
Kylo held himself still as his heart throbbed in his chest. He carefully clasped his reaching fingers into a tight fist to restrain his desire. He wanted to touch her. He wanted to reassure himself that she was still within his reach even though he left the Resistance. He wanted to kiss her and hold her hand.
He frowned as he realized they had not held hands beyond that brush through the force before she surrendered herself to him in the Supremacy. What would holding her hand be like? Would he ever know?
She stood up and crossed her arms in front of her, causing her night garment, an ankle-length lavender nightgown to billow and sway with her movements. She caught his study of it, looked down at it herself, and sighed. "I told the General it would be awful for fighting in, but she insisted."
"It looks nice," Kylo said. The color suited her. He carefully pulled his arm back in. "I'm sorry," he said quickly, hoping the apology would help smooth things between them. "I hadn't considered your desires when I put you in the force sleep. I should have asked first. I had picked out some flowers for you, but…"
"You got me flowers?" Rey asked, surprised and oddly delighted, as if the notion had struck a chord deep within her. Kylo suspected she must really like flowers, and he delighted in learning something new about her.
"Lavender ones… similar to the shade of your nightgown. They were lost in our departure." He fell silent and watched Rey rub her arms. "I wanted to see you smile."
Rey shuddered and shook her head. "It won't work, Kylo… I don't want a secret relationship, especially one for which the consequences… did you ever think about how I would be treated if the Resistance discovered our connection?" She balled her own fists and glared at him with wet eyes. "You have nothing to lose, but I could lose everything!"
Pain erupted in Kylo's heart as he stared her down. "I could lose you, and you are everything to me," he said in a low, disturbingly calm voice.
Tears streamed down Rey's face, and she sniffed loudly. "But I'm not. I'm not everything to you. You wouldn't give up the First Order for me any more than I would give up the Resistance for you, but even more than that, you are not alone. I used to think we were the same. I thought we were both people who had no one who loved us after seeing all of us, but that's not true for you. Your mother still believes in you and wishes she had more time with you. Rose knows the truth of you and still sees you as a friend, and she said Hux was your friend too."
"You have Chewbacca, Poe, and Finn, and my mother sees you as a daughter too," Kylo said.
Rey shook her head and slumped back down on the bunk by Kylo's feet with the gown fabric stretched awkwardly between her legs. "Poe and Finn would turn on me if they knew about us. Chewbacca hasn't spoken to me since he discovered we were friendly. Your mother has, but she's only thinking of you and the Resistance. They want me to be some great Jedi with no darkness or flaws. It's suffocating, and yet, they're all I have."
"No, Rey. You have me. You do not have to fear my judgment," Kylo said.
Rey snorted. "Only your wrath when I reject you. Will you try to kill me again for wanting distance?"
Kylo's heart crushed underneath the weight of her words, and he found he could not speak through the onslaught of despair threatening to drown him. He had no excuse for how he had been before. She was right to suspect him. She was right to want distance. He reached out to the force as he tried to calm himself with deep breaths.
"You're crying," Rey said in wonder, breaking into his thoughts. Kylo had not realized it himself, but he felt now that his face was wet. He looked to her and saw that she was watching him carefully with her arms hugging her knees to her chest. "Kylo, do I need to fear you?"
Kylo's heart split all over again. He hated that he had been the kind of person that warranted such a question. "No, you're safe from me," he said. He pulled his feet away from her and climbed out of the cot. He paused at the exit, wondering how leaving the room would impact their present bond. Would she remain connected, but gone? Would he be prevented from leaving the space? Would their current connection simply snap?
"Where are you going?" Rey asked.
Kylo clenched his fists at his sides. "You said you want distance," he said.
"Not like that… I mean, we can't escape the bond," Rey said. "Trying to keep you out today exhausted me, and I still felt much of what you felt. We're stuck seeing each other."
Interesting. He had not felt anything from her through the bond. He turned around to face her. "What do you propose?"
Rey shrugged. "We use the time to talk. We could finish the peace treaty between the Resistance and the First Order."
Kylo rolled his eyes and sat down on the bunk opposite to the one Rey was on. "I have no more stomach for political negotiations than you have experience in developing peace treaties. Leave that tangle for Hux and my mother to sort out. They know what they're doing and will not neglect the needs of either organization."
Rey frowned. "But when would they have time now that Hux is back with the First Order and General Organa is joining you for the mission?"
"Hux is coming with us too. Last minute change. BB-9E will be left in charge again."
Rey stared at him. "You're leaving a droid in charge of the First Order… again?" Kylo shrugged. "Well, I won't be coming. General Organa said she suspected this mission location was where your vision takes place, and I get the same feeling, but I'm tired of being bullied and manipulated by the force. I know I'm supposed to trust the force, but what happened last night was wrong. I can't even trust my own feelings anymore."
Kylo said nothing. He wasn't going to encourage her to go. He wanted her to stay safe. He also recognized her discontent with not knowing which feelings to trust. After being under Snoke's influence for so long, he suspected he understood that particular fear better than anyone. However, he did not doubt his own feelings towards her were genuine. The force had nothing to do with his desire for her happiness and wellbeing.
Rey fidgeted with the fabric of her nightgown. Kylo suspected she wanted to ask something important, but was afraid to. "What is it?" he asked, half-expecting to regret finding out given how their conversation had gone so far this evening.
Rey sighed. "I saw you this morning during breakfast, when you were eating with Rose and the boys. You were laughing. I had never seen you laugh before. I didn't even know you could laugh."
"Is that a question?" Kylo asked.
Rey blushed. "You're still set on me, but why? If you have other friends who care for you and make you laugh, what can you possibly see in me when all I ever do is upset and disappoint you?"
Kylo leaned forward on his knees and glared at Rey. She did so much more than that for him, but he was in no mood to explain that right after she had rejected him yet again. "What good can come of answering that question now, Rey? You say you want distance, but you're here, pestering me with questions about my feelings as if they actually matter to you."
"Your feelings do matter to me!" Rey protested.
"Then why do you keep tormenting them with your presence!?" he barked at her.
Rey's jaw dropped as shocked hurt filled her eyes, and then she was gone.
Kylo slumped down, then let out a roar of pure fury before crumbling into a ball of grief on the floor. His darker side wanted to blame Rey for teasing him with intimacy last night before rejecting him again today… but he knew her. He knew she was even more lost than he was. It was not by design she had so thoroughly entangled and shredded his heart.
He reached out to the force to escape himself, and as the soothing connection to the energy surrounding him helped calm his breathing, he also felt a whisper of something through it… some direction in the force reassuring him that things would work out.
But he did not see how.
Yay! Finally, a chapter with Rey again! Also, I'm not sure when I started having her refer to him as Kylo instead of Ben, but that was a goof on my part, not some intentional thing, and now I'm just sticking with Rey calling him Kylo for consistency with the more recent chapters. Not sure if anyone else noticed and wondered.