INT: IN THE VAN - Miranda is on her own, she has a chalk board.
MIRANDA: Gary's abandoned me! He's gone off to the demonstration tent, to make some sort of potato pasta thingy, think its called gnomi or something like that. Oh no, wait! Isn't it Gnocchi? Well whatever it is I am here alone! Stevie and Andrew have gone off for a romantic picnic to celebrate their first ever valentines day together!
She starts to write up the menu on the chalk board.
MIRANDA: Gary wanted me to open the van, but that would require me to cook the food myself and that is a disaster waiting to happen! He should be back soon! The menu is very fancy! For starters we have scallops in an oyster sauce. Main is heart shaped steak bites with triple cooked chips and for pudding are hearty macaroons with strawberry ice cream all washed down with champagne cocktails, and he expected me to be able to cook and serve all of that on my own!
Gary walks into the van, he has his hands behind his back.
GARY: I have a surprise for you! Close your eyes!
Miranda closes her eyes, Gary holds up a T-shirt.
GARY: Open your eyes!
Miranda does and is disappointed when its just a T-shirt.
MIRANDA: Whats that for?
GARY: For you to wear!
He turns it around and it says "Stuck for Valentine's Day? Don't worry, Hey Presto-n it!"
MIRANDA: I am not wearing that!
EXT: THE FOOD FESTIVAL - Miranda is walking around handing out leaflets, wearing the T-shirt.
MIRANDA: Don't say it! I know I said I wouldn't wear it, but here I am!
She hands a leaflet to a couple.
MIRANDA: Stuck for Valentine's Day? Don't worry, Hey Presto-n it!
The couple walk off laughing.
MIRANDA: I still hate Valentine's Day! There's nothing more cringey than couples being even more loved up than usual! Why is there a day dedicated to telling your partners how much you love them? Shouldn't you be doing that everyday?
She tries to hand out another leaflet but the people refuse. She walks up to a bin and throws the leaflets in.
MIRANDA: They're useless. No one cares. They're here to having a good day, they don't want to be hassled by me! I think I might check out one of these infamous demonstrations.
She walks up to a tent, she pokes her head through. There is a wall, on a table by the wall is a plate of cake. She walks up to it and tries a piece. Its rather hot.
MIRANDA: Hot, Hot!
She fans her mouth, then picks up another piece.
MIRANDA: But yummy!
She finishes of the piece of cake. Then suddenly hears people talking, she goes around the wall, there is a large crowd. She walks in but happens to walk into a stage. James Martin is at the other end.
JAMES MARTIN: Please say hello to my colleague, this is ...
Miranda looks to the camera.
MIRANDA: Um.. What do I do?
She walks over to James.
MIRANDA: I'm Miranda!
JAMES MARTIN: Can you pass me the spatular please? Then we can get started.
Miranda picks up the spatular, she looks to the camera and nods. She walks back over to James and hands it to him. Suddenly Stevie walks into the tent.
JAMES MARTIN: So today I am going to show you a recipe that was passed down to me by my grandmother. It is a chocolate and beetroot cake!
Miranda makes a disgusted face. James looks at her funny.
MIRANDA: Sorry! Its just I'm not a fan of vegetables being used out of content! Beetroot in a sandwich I get, but in a cake? Really?
JAMES MARTIN: Anyway... Firstly you beat the sugar and the butter until it forms a pale paste. Then add three eggs.
James indicates for Miranda to pass him the eggs. She fiddles for the eggs, dropping some on the floor.
JAMES MARTIN: In the bowl please.
She successfully passes him three eggs.
JAMES MARTIN: Whisk until the eggs are folded in. Then add the flour and cocoa powder.
Miranda goes to hand him the flour. He stops her and retrieves it himself.
JAMES MARTIN: I'll get it, don't want flour everywhere!
MIRANDA: Rude!
JAMES: Add a touch of baking powder, then finally the shredded beetroot!
MIRANDA: Seriously, beetroot in a cake? What are you thinking?
JAMES MARTIN: Being heckled by my own staff! That's a first!
The crowd laugh. Miranda looks to the camera.
MIRANDA: Well this is all rather strange isn't it! I don't think he needs me anymore. I need to try and sneak out.
She turns and tries to exit where she came from.
JAMES MARTIN: I will give this to my assistant, who will pop it into the oven for me. It goes in at 180 degrees for 35 minutes.
He passes the tray to Miranda, who puts it in the oven.
JAMES MARTIN: In true Blue Peter style, here's some I made earlier.
James looks to Miranda.
JAMES MARTIN: Miranda, please could you retrieve the tray of cake I put out to cool?
MIRANDA: I can...
She walks around to the back.
MIRANDA: But its not there!
Miranda comes back with an empty tray.
MIRANDA: We have a thief in our midst! All the cake has been eaten!
She looks to the camera.
MIRANDA: I feel like Bruce Bogtrotter in Matilda. Do I have cake around my mouth!?
JAMES MARTIN: Seems as though the crew were hungry! Sorry everyone!
The crowd boos!
MIRANDA: If you are looking for tasty treats then head on over to Hey Presto-n! They have some wonderful treats for you all!
James looks to her, as half the crowd leave.
JAMES MARTIN: Thanks for that!
MIRANDA: You're welcome, glad I could. (BEAT) You're being sarcastic aren't you!?
JAMES MARTIN: How'd you guess?
MIRANDA: I think I better be off!
JAMES MARTIN: I think that's a good idea.
MIRANDA: Do you want me to come back and help later?
JAMES MARTIN: No, you're okay!
MIRANDA: Thought as much!
She runs off. She bumps into Stevie.
STEVIE: What was all that about?
MIRANDA: Don't even ask! Why does it always happen to me?
Stevie goes to answer. Miranda stops her.
MIRANDA: Don't answer that! Why aren't you at your valentines picnic?
STEVIE: Andrew went to help Gary, we're going to do it later!
They walk back to the van. Gary and Andrew are say out the front of the van each with a champagne cocktail. The van is shut up.
MIRANDA: What's all this then?
ANDREW: We've sold out!
GARY: It was weird, there's was a real lull, then suddenly bam! A whole herd of people appeared. We sold out in twenty minutes!
MIRANDA: I wonder where they all came from!?
Miranda winks at the camera. Gary hands her a cocktail, Andrew gives one to Stevie. They all sit together and chink their glasses together.
ALL: Happy Valentines Day!