Chapter Twenty-five

Thought for the Day: Eat more fruit.

What? Were you expecting something more?

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

As our heroes wrestle with the Nightbringer, a battle-hungry Warboss, escape from a seemingly indescrutable Keeper of Secrets, hunt for the Biomancer Fabius Bile, speed into a Necron Fortress-turned Tau outpost, and journey deep into the heart of a volcano, their father, the GOD EMPEROR OF MANKIND! has reached Ancient Terra, seeking to free the cradle of mankind from the grip of C'tan tyranny!

Eldrad: "And what was the Imperium of man?"

Malcador: "Human tyranny, an entirely different kind of oppression"

Eldrad: "What's so different about it?"

Malcador: "It's Humans killing themselves, which is perfectly fine"

Eldrad: "That's something we both agree on"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Silence! Both of you! We approach the orbit of Terra!"

Eldrad: "I guess it's just past the orbits of Mild Fright, Scary, and Hide-Behind-The-Sofa right?"

Silence.

Eldrad: "That was humour people, please don't let it ambush you when you eventually get around to evolving"

Malcador: "And what have you Eldar been doing for the last sixty-odd million years?"

Eldrad: "Gestating Slaanesh. What have you guys been doing? Oh ... don't answer. Repeatedly screwing yourselves over by creating perfect, Star Trek-esque empires then destroying then either with rogue robots or your own damn genetically engineered soldiers"

Malcador: "The Iron Men you've got a point with, but the Space Marines are not our fault ..."

Tzeentch: "What? You talking about us?"

Malcador: "Well if the shoe fits ..."

Slaanesh: "I don't wear shoes darling"

Malcador: "It's a freaking metaphor! Seriously ... for giant gestalt warp entities created by the psychic residue of strong emotions from sentient beings you are fething retarded!"

Tzeentch: "And you're what? A certified genius, Mr-Let-Me-Try-Out-The-Giant-Soul-Sucking-Webway-Machine?"

Malcador: "The good of Humanity depended on me maintaining the gate! Your forces would have breached the palace if I hadn't!"

Tzeentch: "And ... I don't know, switching it off wouldn't have worked better?"

Silence.

Malcador: "If I weren't for the fact I don't exist outside it ... I would fething hate this new fluff"

Slaanesh breaks a kitten in half.

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "What the hell was that for?"

Slaanesh: "Contract with Gav"

Malcador: "... fluff?"

Another kitten dies.

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Jesus woman, stop it!"

Malcador: "You like kittens my lord?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "I love them. So cute and fluffy ..."

Slaanesh eats a third kitten.

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "No one said 'fluff'!!"

Slaanesh: "Yes you did. 'Fluffy' is merely a descriptive use of 'fluff' ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Oh that's just being awkward. I did not say 'fluff'!"

A fourth kitten spontaneously combusts.

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "For the God's sake stop it!"

Tzeentch: "For our sake? But we're enjoying it"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Pick on the fething crickets!"

Torgaddon: "You leave them out of this! Not when I've almost got them working together to write the next Horus Heresy book!"

Abaddon: "Well ... can't be worse than Descent of Angels ..."

Ahriman: "If the not-really-subtle attacks on the Black Library are this bad now? What happens when they finally release a book on the Thousand Sons?"

Lets not go there. Lets just not go there. Lets just say it better be made of WIN and AWESOME or this series will see an Author Breakdown on the scale that'll make Cerebus the Aardvark look like a mild divergeance in theme ...

We're talking End of Freaking Evangelion here ...

Buffy the Vampire Slayer season six ...

Ahriman: "We get the picture. So in the interest of everyone here at Primarchs, myself included, we pass this simple message out to the guys at the Black Library and the awesome team of authors there ... please make the eventual token book on the Thousand Sons awesome ... please ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "What do I care? I never learned to read ..."

Malcador: "We noticed my lord ... otherwise you might have noticed the Heresy coming considering it rips of the plot of so many fiction it's not even funny ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "You insulting me Malcador?"

Malcador: "Well ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Who's name's in capitals?"

Malcador: "Er ... yours?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "DAMN STRAIGHT! WHO'S THE EMPEROR? YOU? HELL NO! ME! I'M THE GOD-FREAKING-EMPEROR OF MANKIND! THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE BROKEN-HERO-OF-AWESOMENESS THAT CAN DO NO WRONG! GW LOVE ME! THERE IS NOTHING I CAN'T DO! I CAN BACKWARDS ENGINEER ANCIENT ELDAR TECHNOLOGY AND MAKE MY OWN WEBWAY! I HAVE MORE PSYCHIC ENERGY IN MY LITTLE TOE THAN ALPHA LEVEL PSYKERS HAVE IN THEIR ENTIRE BODY! I'M TALLER THAN A PRIMARCH, and stronger to boot. And more attractive. And better at maths. I'M THE GOD-EMPEROR! BOW DOWN AND HOLD ME IN EVERLASTING GEEK PRAISE!"

Malcador: "I heard you're actually an old man making that image as an illusion ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "What? Oh ... damn Abnett ... well ... perhaps. Or perhaps I'm just Super-Damn-Awesome"

Malcador: "Well if you're so super and awesome ... how comes an Ork Warboss strangled you?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Erm ..."

I'd like to point out how absurd this all is, and a great way to highlight how much the 40K fluff contradicts itself. This is what happens when you let fanboys write the new fluff ...

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "He rolled lucky ... that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!"

Malcador: "Yes ... Tracy"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Oh you just asked for it!"

The Emperor unleashes PSYCHIC MEGADEATH!

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "What? Nothing happened? Oh who counterspelled?"

Tzeentch: "No throwing bolts of warp energy in my presence. In case you forgot who's the masters of the warp ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "But I'm the EMPEROR!"

Slaanesh: "Yes dear, but all psychic energy manifests from the warp ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "But Sisters of Battle!"

Nurgle: "Seriously, did you think that was anything but warp-spawned magicks?"

Tzeentch: "Positive warp energy, read your Realms of Chaos. It's like hitting the matter of this universe with anti-matter"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "I'm confused ..."

Tzeentch: "And you wonder why I'm no longer the God of Hope, Nurgle's lost his Despair, Slaanesh is all about sex, and Khorne just likes hitting things ..."

Khorne: "I still have a sense of honour! When I remember to bring it ..."

Tzeentch: "Stop losing it down the side of the sofa, and we should be fine"

Malcador: "When we're all finished pointing out how much todays fluff-" Another kitten dies. "-has been dumbed down, can we concentrate on the matters at hand? Like the destruction of the Necron presence on Terra?"

Abaddon: "A better question to ask would be how they got there?"

VOID DRAGON!: "I CAN ANSWER THAT QUESTION!"

Abaddon: "Torgaddon?"

Torgaddon: "Dude ... cut me some slack here ... it's a fething C'tan!"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "What? Why is his name in capitals too?"

Because he's made of AWESOME and WIN.

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "And I'm not?"

Not when you started playing about with Eldar technology and being practically without a single flaw ... save not noticing half your sons had issues ... seriously dude ... therapy ... it helps ...

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Seriously ... try some yourself. Maybe then you might get over your nerdish dislike of the new Heresy stuff and ... I don't know ... get a life?"

Ouch. Harsh.

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "You had it coming ... so ... Dragon. You woke up? That explains how a huge Necron force appeared so close to Terra without the legions of defences noticing ... also means I need to have words with the Fabricator General of Mars ..."

VOID DRAGON!: "No need, he is here" He holds up a head, and lets it fall to the ground. "I needed him no more, now I am awake ... and man do I feel good! I feel like conquering the universe!"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "That's my job!"

VOID DRAGON!: "Really? We'll see ... bring it on!"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "GET OUT OF MY UNIVERSE!"

Malcador: "Everyone retreat to the minimum safe distance!"

Abaddon: "Which is?"

Malcador: "An alternative universe will do quite nicely ..."

As our epic Gods of AWESOMEWIN clash who will be the victor? Find out in the next chapters of ... well you probably know the name of the show by now.

Christmas's Interlude

Thought for the Day: Eat more fruit.

What? Were you expecting something more?

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

As our heroes wrestle with the Nightbringer, a battle-hungry Warboss, escape from a seemingly indescrutable Keeper of Secrets, hunt for the Biomancer Fabius Bile, speed into a Necron Fortress-turned Tau outpost, and journey deep into the heart of a volcano, their father, the GOD EMPEROR OF MANKIND! has reached Ancient Terra, seeking to free the cradle of mankind from the grip of C'tan tyranny!

Eldrad: "And what was the Imperium of man?"

Malcador: "Human tyranny, an entirely different kind of oppression"

Eldrad: "What's so different about it?"

Malcador: "It's Humans killing themselves, which is perfectly fine"

Eldrad: "That's something we both agree on"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Silence! Both of you! We approach the orbit of Terra!"

Eldrad: "I guess it's just past the orbits of Mild Fright, Scary, and Hide-Behind-The-Sofa right?"

Silence.

Eldrad: "That was humour people, please don't let it ambush you when you eventually get around to evolving"

Malcador: "And what have you Eldar been doing for the last sixty-odd million years?"

Eldrad: "Gestating Slaanesh. What have you guys been doing? Oh ... don't answer. Repeatedly screwing yourselves over by creating perfect, Star Trek-esque empires then destroying then either with rogue robots or your own damn genetically engineered soldiers"

Malcador: "The Iron Men you've got a point with, but the Space Marines are not our fault ..."

Tzeentch: "What? You talking about us?"

Malcador: "Well if the shoe fits ..."

Slaanesh: "I don't wear shoes darling"

Malcador: "It's a freaking metaphor! Seriously ... for giant gestalt warp entities created by the psychic residue of strong emotions from sentient beings you are fething retarded!"

Tzeentch: "And you're what? A certified genius, Mr-Let-Me-Try-Out-The-Giant-Soul-Sucking-Webway-Machine?"

Malcador: "The good of Humanity depended on me maintaining the gate! Your forces would have breached the palace if I hadn't!"

Tzeentch: "And ... I don't know, switching it off wouldn't have worked better?"

Silence.

Malcador: "If I weren't for the fact I don't exist outside it ... I would fething hate this new fluff"

Slaanesh breaks a kitten in half.

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "What the hell was that for?"

Slaanesh: "Contract with Gav"

Malcador: "... fluff?"

Another kitten dies.

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Jesus woman, stop it!"

Malcador: "You like kittens my lord?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "I love them. So cute and fluffy ..."

Slaanesh eats a third kitten.

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "No one said 'fluff'!!"

Slaanesh: "Yes you did. 'Fluffy' is merely a descriptive use of 'fluff' ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Oh that's just being awkward. I did not say 'fluff'!"

A fourth kitten spontaneously combusts.

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "For the God's sake stop it!"

Tzeentch: "For our sake? But we're enjoying it"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Pick on the fething crickets!"

Torgaddon: "You leave them out of this! Not when I've almost got them working together to write the next Horus Heresy book!"

Abaddon: "Well ... can't be worse than Descent of Angels ..."

Ahriman: "If the not-really-subtle attacks on the Black Library are this bad now? What happens when they finally release a book on the Thousand Sons?"

Lets not go there. Lets just not go there. Lets just say it better be made of WIN and AWESOME or this series will see an Author Breakdown on the scale that'll make Cerebus the Aardvark look like a mild divergeance in theme ...

We're talking End of Freaking Evangelion here ...

Buffy the Vampire Slayer season six ...

Ahriman: "We get the picture. So in the interest of everyone here at Primarchs, myself included, we pass this simple message out to the guys at the Black Library and the awesome team of authors there ... please make the eventual token book on the Thousand Sons awesome ... please ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "What do I care? I never learned to read ..."

Malcador: "We noticed my lord ... otherwise you might have noticed the Heresy coming considering it rips of the plot of so many fiction it's not even funny ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "You insulting me Malcador?"

Malcador: "Well ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Who's name's in capitals?"

Malcador: "Er ... yours?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "DAMN STRAIGHT! WHO'S THE EMPEROR? YOU? HELL NO! ME! I'M THE GOD-FREAKING-EMPEROR OF MANKIND! THE ONE, THE ONLY, THE BROKEN-HERO-OF-AWESOMENESS THAT CAN DO NO WRONG! GW LOVE ME! THERE IS NOTHING I CAN'T DO! I CAN BACKWARDS ENGINEER ANCIENT ELDAR TECHNOLOGY AND MAKE MY OWN WEBWAY! I HAVE MORE PSYCHIC ENERGY IN MY LITTLE TOE THAN ALPHA LEVEL PSYKERS HAVE IN THEIR ENTIRE BODY! I'M TALLER THAN A PRIMARCH, and stronger to boot. And more attractive. And better at maths. I'M THE GOD-EMPEROR! BOW DOWN AND HOLD ME IN EVERLASTING GEEK PRAISE!"

Malcador: "I heard you're actually an old man making that image as an illusion ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "What? Oh ... damn Abnett ... well ... perhaps. Or perhaps I'm just Super-Damn-Awesome"

Malcador: "Well if you're so super and awesome ... how comes an Ork Warboss strangled you?"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Erm ..."

I'd like to point out how absurd this all is, and a great way to highlight how much the 40K fluff contradicts itself. This is what happens when you let fanboys write the new fluff ...

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "He rolled lucky ... that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!"

Malcador: "Yes ... Tracy"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Oh you just asked for it!"

The Emperor unleashes PSYCHIC MEGADEATH!

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "What? Nothing happened? Oh who counterspelled?"

Tzeentch: "No throwing bolts of warp energy in my presence. In case you forgot who's the masters of the warp ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "But I'm the EMPEROR!"

Slaanesh: "Yes dear, but all psychic energy manifests from the warp ..."

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "But Sisters of Battle!"

Nurgle: "Seriously, did you think that was anything but warp-spawned magicks?"

Tzeentch: "Positive warp energy, read your Realms of Chaos. It's like hitting the matter of this universe with anti-matter"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "I'm confused ..."

Tzeentch: "And you wonder why I'm no longer the God of Hope, Nurgle's lost his Despair, Slaanesh is all about sex, and Khorne just likes hitting things ..."

Khorne: "I still have a sense of honour! When I remember to bring it ..."

Tzeentch: "Stop losing it down the side of the sofa, and we should be fine"

Malcador: "When we're all finished pointing out how much todays fluff-" Another kitten dies. "-has been dumbed down, can we concentrate on the matters at hand? Like the destruction of the Necron presence on Terra?"

Abaddon: "A better question to ask would be how they got there?"

VOID DRAGON!: "I CAN ANSWER THAT QUESTION!"

Abaddon: "Torgaddon?"

Torgaddon: "Dude ... cut me some slack here ... it's a fething C'tan!"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "What? Why is his name in capitals too?"

Because he's made of AWESOME and WIN.

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "And I'm not?"

Not when you started playing about with Eldar technology and being practically without a single flaw ... save not noticing half your sons had issues ... seriously dude ... therapy ... it helps ...

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "Seriously ... try some yourself. Maybe then you might get over your nerdish dislike of the new Heresy stuff and ... I don't know ... get a life?"

Ouch. Harsh.

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "You had it coming ... so ... Dragon. You woke up? That explains how a huge Necron force appeared so close to Terra without the legions of defences noticing ... also means I need to have words with the Fabricator General of Mars ..."

VOID DRAGON!: "No need, he is here" He holds up a head, and lets it fall to the ground. "I needed him no more, now I am awake ... and man do I feel good! I feel like conquering the universe!"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "That's my job!"

VOID DRAGON!: "Really? We'll see ... bring it on!"

EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: "GET OUT OF MY UNIVERSE!"

Malcador: "Everyone retreat to the minimum safe distance!"

Abaddon: "Which is?"

Malcador: "An alternative universe will do quite nicely ..."

As our epic Gods of AWESOMEWIN clash who will be the victor? Find out in the next chapters of ... well you probably know the name of the show by now.