"We'd better get back," said Ron, as he and Harry made their way towards the staircase, Harry's mind still on his mystery date.
Suddenly there was a noise. Ron suddenly pulled Harry to the side so that they were out of view.
"Nonsense!" boomed A voice that clearly belonged to Nearly-Headless Nick. "I forbid it! The Bloody Baron would much rather take me to the ball!"
"Rubbish!" shouted the Fat Friar. "he's liked me for ages."
"I thought you were going with Binns anyway?" said Nick.
Friar snorted.
"No, I dumped him."
"Why?"
"Because he dumped me for Moaning Mrytle."
"But I thought you dumped him first?"
"I did!"
"But you just said – "
"Oh shut up!" spat Friar. "Point is, me and Binns are finished and I'm going to the ball with the Bloody Baron."
"Like hell you are," said Nick. "What makes you think that the Baron would want to go with you?"
"Well it's obvious isn't it? Because of my exquisite figure!"
Nick snorted.
"Your figure? Sorry to upset you after your breakup with Binns, but to put it bluntly, you're a fat bastard."
"How dare you!" said Friar, waving a fat fist at Nick. "What about you then, you unproperly decapitated ponce!"
"The Baron fancies me more and you know it!" shouted Nick, his head waving madly from side to side.
"Well I'm going to ask him first so you can fuck off!" said Friar, and floated away.
"Come back here you fat bitch!" shouted Nick, rushing after him.
"Fuck off, hinge head!"
"Blimey," said Ron, turning to Harry. "People are really taking this ball seriously."
They made their way up to Gryffindor tower, stepped over Dobby, Winky and Colin who were still fighting on the common room floor and up to the dormitory, where Neville was trying on his toad costume.
Harry couldn't sleep that night. He couldn't help but wonder whether or not Malfoy had found a date.
Unable to push these thoughts out of his mind, Harry got out of bed and shoved on his invisibility cloak. He'd had it. He just had to find out if Malfoy had a partner for the ball.
He made his way out of the common room, past Winky, who was now hammered on butterbeer and attempting to rip Dobby's clothes off, who was in the process of strangling Colin, and through the portrait.
When he reached the Slytherin common room, he was lucky enough to find Malfoy and Pansy standing outside. Harry crept nearer. They appeared to be having some sort of argument.
"You stupid pug nosed bitch!" spat Malfoy. "When will you get it through your stupid brainless head that I don't want to go to the ball with you?"
"Why are you being like this, Draco?" screeched Pansy. "We're made for each other. Can't you see that? We're supposed to go to this ball together and you're supposed to propose to me in front of everyone!"
"Fuck off!" said Malfoy. "I wouldn't propose to you if you were the last pureblood on earth!"
"But you went with me to the ball last time!"
"Only for a dare," said Malfoy.
"Liar!" said Pansy. "You loved every minute of it!"
"Only because I got pissed."
"You're lying! You love me! You always have!"
Malfoy laughed.
"Get stuffed, Parkinson. I'm not taking you to the ball and that's that. I'd rather go with Crabbe and Goyle. Why don't you ask one of them? I'm sure they wouldn't mind you taking them. You could give them a sex education lesson whilst you're at it."
"You do it!" shouted Pansy. "You're the one that's always stuck between them!"
Harry snorted. Malfoy looked up and frowned. Harry held his breath. Luckily, Malfoy chose to ignore it.
"Now tell me the fucking password so that I can get in, pug bitch."
"Not until you ask me to the ball."
"Fuck off."
Pansy stamped her foot.
"If you don't ask me to the ball then I'll tell everyone about your little obsession."
Malfoy's head shot up.
"What?"
"You heard. You either ask me to the ball or I'll tell everyone about your problem."
Malfoy's face suddenly fell.
"You – you wouldn't."
Pansy smirked.
"Oh yes I would. If you don't ask me to the ball then I'm going to tell everyone that you keep an inflatable ferret under your bed."
Harry burst out laughing. He tried to hold it in, but it was no use. Malfoy and Pansy stood shocked, staring at the empty spot where Harry's laughter emitted from.
In a flash, Malfoy had his wand out and pointed it directly at where Harry was standing. Luckily, Harry managed to dodge it, but this was only due to the fact that he was rolling around on the floor, tears of laughter pouring down his face. At the same time, his invisibility cloak had slipped off, leaving him exposed.
"Potter," said Malfoy through gritted teeth. "What the fuck are you doing down here? Spying, were you? Well what you just heard is bullshit. Parkinson is making it up."
"No I'm not," said Pansy, smirking. "I can even prove it. But as long as you ask me to the ball, then no one need know."
"Potter knows though doesn't he?" shouted Malfoy. "Thanks to your big mouth!"
He turned to Harry, who had removed his glasses to wipe his eyes.
"Breathe a word of this to anyone, and you'll regret it," said Malfoy, his wand pointed at Harry.
Harry couldn't speak, he was still laughing.
"Oh and Draco, you have to wear your ferret costume aswell, said Pansy.
"But – "
"Or else I'll tell everyone."
"Fine," snarled Malfoy. "I'll take you to the ball."
Harry suddenly stopped laughing. Pansy squealed and threw her arms around Malfoy's neck, then tried to kiss him. Harry felt a surge of jealousy, and before he could stop himself he rushed forward and pulled Pansy away from Malfoy.
"What the fuck are you doing?" said Pansy, as Harry's wand made its way to her throat.
A smirk suddenly spread across Malfoy's face.
"Jealous, Potter?"
He moved forward and snaked an arm round Pansy's waist. Harry scowled.
"Don't be a prick, Malfoy," he spat. "I heard everything. You don't even like her, so don't pretend."
"Yeah but if it makes you jealous then it's worth it," said Malfoy, a huge smirk on his face. "Pansy you go ahead, I'll catch up with you later."
"Password is Pureblood's rule, " said Pansy and winked at him, then she turned around and disappeared through the portrait.
Malfoy pinned Harry against the wall. Hary gulped, his heart pounding.
"Breath a word of what you heard to anyone and I'll lock you in a cupboard with Crabbe and Goyle for a night, along with a pair of Marcus Flint's dentist implements. You don't want to be in the same situation as last time do you?"
Harry shook his head as he remembered his last encounter with Flint's dentist implements.
Malfoy was about to step away from Harry, when a noise distracted them. They looked around, only to be met with the angry glare of one Ronald Weasley.
"You bloody git," he spat.
"Why thanks, Weaselbee, I'm touched," said Malfoy.
"Not you, him," said Ron, nodding at Harry.
"Me?" asked Harry, confused.
"Yes, you. You bloody well sneaked out to see Malfoy didn't you? I knew where you'd gone the minute I saw your bed was empty. And now I find you pushed up against a wall. Something you want to tell me, Harry?"
"It's not what it looks like," said Harry quickly.
"Jealous, Weasley?" asked Malfoy. "Don't worry, I'll let Potter go so that you can both go back to your common room and shag."
"Piss off," snarled Ron, and turned to walk away.
"Ron wait, it's not what you think!" said Harry, rushing after him.
"Get stuffed," said Ron. "You've done it this time, Harry. It's no good lying. The evidence is there. First there was that gloop in Lockhart's class that turned into Malfoy, then the veritaserum, where you actually told the class that you wanted him smothered in honeydukes chocolate and told us all about his "nice firm buttocks", and now I find you down here pinned against a wall with him. Face it, you're infatuated. Well if your gonna keep lusting after Malfoy then you can keep away from me."
"Ron – "
"Just get lost," spat Ron, and stormed off.
Harry turned to face Malfoy, who was smirking.
"You can wipe that smirk off your face, because I don't fancy you, you stupid ferret loving git," snarled Harry, lying through his teeth.
"Yeah, of course you don't, Potter," said Malfoy, winking at him. "Remember what I said. Tell anyone what you heard between me and Pansy and I'll shove Flint's dentist implements where the sun doesn't shine. Nighty-night."
Malfoy blew him a kiss, said the password to the portrait of naked Snape and disappeared, leaving Harry feeling extremely pissed off.
Harry pulled on his dress robes, his stomach bubbling with nerves as he prepared himself for his mystery date. Now that he knew it wasn't Malfoy, he couldn't help but wonder who the hell Hagrid had set him up with.
He passed through the common room, stepping over Winky, Colin and Dobby (who now all had black eyes and were unconscious), and made his way down to the entrance hall. The place was crowded, though Harry couldn't tell who was who because everyone was wearing costumes. He, however, had decided to just go to the ball as himself, being famous Harry Potter and all. It just seemed like the suitable costume.
He stepped out into the grounds and made his way to Hagrid's hut.
"Alrigh' Harry?" came Hagrid's voice. Harry looked up and nearly screamed. Standing in front of him was Hagrid, in a ballerina outfit.
"H –hagrid?"
"Alrigh'? What do yeh reckon to me outfit? Fang loves it!" said Hagrid, bending down to pat Fang, who was wearing a bow tie.
"Er, y-yeah it's, er, great Hagrid. Really suits you."
Hagrid did a little dance, causing the ground to shake.
"So, er, where's my date?" asked Harry, feeling rather disturbed at the sight of Hagrid in a tutu.
"Oh he'll be here in a minute," said Hagrid cheerfully. "Yeh just wait, Harry, yeh'll be thrilled when yeh see who yeh goin' with!"
Suddenly the trees shook. Harry looked up.
"Ahhh, here comes yeh date!" Hagrid clapped his hands together, showing his pink nail varnish.
The trees shook again. Suddenly, the ground shook as a voice rumbled out through the bushes.
"POTTY!"
Harry's stomach gave a sickening jolt.
Oh god no, he thought. Oh god, please no…
"POTTY!"
Harry's worst fears were confirmed as a familiar face appeared from the trees.
"POTTY!"
"Harry, say hello to yeh date!" said Hagrid cheerfully, holding out his arms as if he were trying to present the giant figure to Harry.
"POTTY!"
"Grawpy!"
"HAGGAR!"
"Hagrid?" said Harry weakly.
Grawp stood still. Harry could see him more clearly now. He was wearing a pink dress, complete with pink eyeshadow and lipstick, a pink handbag, and a pink bow on his head. He batted his eyelashes.
"Well, Grawpy, are yeh excited?" yelled Hagrid, so that Grawp could hear him.
"GRAWP WANT POTTY!" yelled Grawp, stamping a high-heeled foot.
"Of course yeh do," shouted Hagrid. "He's right here!"
Before Harry knew what was happening, Grawp had lifted him up, and placed him on his shoulder. Harry groaned.
"Potty?" said Grawp, batting huge eyelashes that brushed against Harry's head.
Grawp lifted a finger and stroked Harry's head, nearly sending him flying.
"POTTY!" Grawp yelled again, causing Harry to lift his hands to his ears.
"Let's go!" said Hagrid excitedly, leading them towards the castle. Harry had to duck to avoid being smacked by tree branches.
They reached the castle doors (which magically stretched to allow Grawp to fit through), and stepped inside.
"Righ' in we go," said Hagrid, as they reached the doors of the Great Hall.
Harry's stomach churned as they prepared to enter, and he couldn't help think about what everyone would say when they saw him sitting on Grawp's shoulder, particularly a certain blond Slytherin…
A/N: Ramen Ninja: Thanks for all your reviews, and please update Dreadful: The Hermione Parody because it's the funniest story ever!
Moose on mars: You guessed right! Thanks for your review!
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