Part 25: Words, Allusions, and Allegories
A cascade of wants and desires overtook Lee for the few seconds his eyes touched Kara's, each crashing down on him with such force he was very nearly driven to his knees.
He wanted to race up the stairs, carry her back to his room, and never let them leave.
He wanted to fall to his knees at her feet and beg her forgiveness for abandoning her.
He wanted to grab her, hustle them both to the spaceport, hijack the first available shuttle, and jump them out beyond the Red Line.
He wanted to just reach out and hold her forever.
He wanted to pull his sidearm out and ensure, once and for all, that no one could ever, ever hurt them or separate them again.
That last one, the imagery involved so crystal clear and intense, caused a full-body shudder and a strategic retreat out of her line of sight. Another second in the presence of the pain she embodied, reminding him of his utter failure as both a man and a partner, and the last option might well have come to pass. What stopped him there wasn't the fact his weapon was locked in his desk upstairs, or even that it would leave his mother and his brother and maybe his father alternately devastated and cursing him a coward. They didn't even enter his mental calculus.
No, no. He decided he'd save his bullets for more worthy targets.
Lee promised himself that, unless Kara's gods got to them first, he would personally dispatch each and every name that Lake had coughed up. And, he thought with a giddiness that bordered on mania, he would do so only after they each in turn named a few additional names. He'd frakking blow up Picon Fleet HQ and the Senate Building if that's what it took to wipe out the rot that had touched and hurt her.
If the gods diddecide to intervene, well, they'd have to be pretty frakking overt to placate him. Nemesis would have to be extremely creative in how she meted out her justice this time around. Artemis too, if she could bother herself with some genuine hunting for a change. Lee decided he'd give Zeus a pass if all the All-Father did was throw lightning bolts, so long as the damned things found their targets.
And when the guilty parties were all gone and there were no more names? Then and only then would he look to removing both Kara and himself from this world -- and but only if he sensed there was even the remotest possibility he'd missed someone -- or that Kara might so much as stub her toe on -- something.
"Frak!" Lee cursed, keenly aware of how far off the proverbial reservation his head was. Because he needed a physical outlet for the raw energies coursing through him, he balled a fist and planted it with considerable force into the stone façade wall that made up the kitchen's inner wall. He was sure he felt a couple knuckles crack, hot agony shooting through his hand and up his arm. It was ecstasy incarnate, addictive, and damned near had him repeating the act -- only for his mother to walk in at that very moment.
"Lee Adama!" she hissed, her face clouding over at the sight of his cradling his damaged hand. "Dammit, Lee, I don't need this right now."
"You don't need?" was his hissed reply, too much turmoil within him to play the dutiful and polite son right then. When the frak had Caroline Adama's needs entered the picture? He offered no other comment, positive or negative, when she wet a washcloth and pressed it onto his bruised knuckles.
"Or Kara. Lee, my gods, I'm scared to leave her alone for one second, and I find you down here doing -- this?"
"I saw her file," Lee found himself croaking, heart and head throbbing in time with his hand. "I read what that frakker tried -- he -- gods --" His legs buckled and left him stumbling back now, exhausted and drained. His mother's hands cupped his chin and her urgent voice was all that kept him upright.
"Lee? Lee! Listen! She's upstairs, in a bath. I am not leaving her alone. Are you listening to me?"
"Yeah."
"Bandage your hand and get your room ready. She's sleeping in there tonight. Dammit, Lee. Clear your head and pull it together!"
The sharpness of her voice was more effective than the words themselves. All those years in uniform, being barked at by big men with tiny souls with almost exactly those same words, had at least instilled enough discipline in him to react as needed. Apparently satisfied with his silent concurrence, Caroline left the kitchen. Lee followed a moment later.
However, he did not immediately go upstairs. He'd calmed enough to where he recognized (a) he was still too volatile to risk being around Kara, to say nothing of her likely state of mind or dress, and (b) his showing up with his hand bloodied could be read to have all sorts of ugly connotations. Kara would likely be upset enough with him over that morning that, if he were supremely lucky, she'd relegate him sleeping on the floor -- on the other end of the room and well away from her.
As dismaying as that prospect was, her reading some kind of insane subtexts into his appearing with an injured hand was even less acceptable. She needed to feel safe. If her ordering him to keep his distance was necessary, so be it. He was not going to spook her into acting contrary to her needs; at least not right then. Who knew what would happen tomorrow, or the next day? Lee chuckled. Probably the exact same thing.
Confident his second career as an Oracle was well established, Lee busied himself in one of the main floor's bathrooms, cleaning and wrapping his bruised knuckles, wincing all the while. Yeah, it was bad and he'd have only a limited range of motion for a few days. Having x-rays taken might not be a bad idea either. It was something he'd worry over tomorrow.
Provided he made it through the night without Kara turning him into a literal as well as an emotional smear on the carpet.
Pleased with his handiwork, Lee left the bathroom and ascended the stairs. He paused at the top, making a point to peek around the corners to ensure Kara was not about to appear and ruin all his good intentions. He hastened down the hall and into his bedroom, which was still in the dichotomous state he had left it in half a day earlier: the closet, desk and shelves all neat and organized, and the bed a disaster area of tangled sheets and down comforter.
Lee again engaged in a bit of strategic and sanity-preserving delay, pulling his uniform off and changing into fresh tanks and sweatpants. It wasn't until he'd finished with the drawstring of the latter that it occurred to him he'd gone commando. There was that wholly male part of his psyche that didn't mind the thought of Kara of having such -- easy access to him. The rest of him wasn't able to think up any kind of argument against that, so he decided to leave it for the moment.
That chore done, Lee turned to the bed, quickly and efficiently stripping it down. Kara would doubtless want clean sheets. Again, years of military life gave him the direction needed. He procured fresh bedding and quickly had the sheets arranged and tucked in to the satisfaction of his internal drill instructor. He draped the same comforter from that morning over the mattress, carefully arranging it so the symmetry was perfect.
This flurry of activity was enough to leave him momentarily winded and dizzy, sufficiently so that he needed to sit down. Why he should feel like this, he had no idea. It wasn't as if he hadn't gone through these motions day after day for the last few years. His stomach started knotting up right then and it hit Lee he'd gone without anything more solid than some badly brewed coffee since breakfast. Good sense dictated he should have gone back downstairs and raided the refrigerator.
Good sense took the jump seat behind blind panic when his mother led Kara into the room. Lee could only stand there agog as she glided in, shrouded in shimmering satin and looking through him as if he was but plain glass. His mother said something nonsensical and then fled the room, probably in anticipation of something loud happening. Lee himself could barely breathe at that point, and Kara looked content to stand there and play a statue -- up to a point, that is.
That point was apparently quickly reached and exceeded, propelling Kara forward to hold and examine his injured hand. "What happened?" Lee grunted, trying to sound non-committal. "Your hand? What happened?" she repeated, a tad more insistent now.
Lee offered a little white lie about a glass breaking in his hand. Kara naturally saw right through this and asked, "Shouldn't the bandages be wrapped around your palm and not the knuckles?"
There was no way in creation Lee could answer her, given she'd moved close enough that he could visually peruse her face and neck. His eyes raked over those spots, seeking the smallest sign of the damage she'd endured. There was none on her cheek or neck, and try as he might, his vision couldn't penetrate the fabric of the nightshirt complimenting her in ways that would have been illegal on Gemenon a couple generations ago.
Because he couldn't see all of her, and realizing his eyes had been unconsciously fixed on her chest, Lee quickly looked up and quietly asked if she was okay. Kara mumbled something in the affirmative, turning away and looking fugitively at the bed. She mumbled something else that Lee needed repeated, just to make sure he'd heard correctly.
"A pillow?" Kara asked.
"What?"
"Can I have a pillow? For the floor."
"The -- floor?" Why would she want a pillow and what did that have to do with the floor? He was clearly missing something here.
Kara's next words were at once helpful and agonizing in the extreme. "I'm -- I'll take the floor -- it's your room after all. Right?"
Lee managed to right himself before his too-stunned-by-half body language could give her the wrong message. "Kara, you're taking the bed. No arguments." He added a decisive wave of the hand, which usually helped settle things right there.
"Okay, fine," Kara nodded. "What about you? Are you going to -- stay?"
The way she said the last word had Lee wondering if it was indeed the last word. In a fit of utterly blind optimism, he asked, "Do you -- uhm -- can I?"
"I -- yeah. I'd like -- I'd like you to. Stay."
"Okay, fine." Certain all the way down to his heels that she would change her mind any second, Lee quickly absconded with one of the pillows from the bed, then moved to the closet and grabbed another comforter. Because she'd placed no restrictions on where he could put himself, Lee dropped the pillow at the foot of the bed itself and was prepared to lay out the comforter. It would make for rough bedding, but Kara's proximity more than compensated for any possible discomfort he might suffer.
Except that Kara made it clear she wasn't finished speaking. "Um, Lee?"
"Hmm?" He hoped he was quick enough and looked decisive enough that she'd just let it go for that night.
"You can -- the bed's big enough for --" Lee immediately looked up, fighting to school his features to remain calm. Kara was raking him with her own eyes, sizing him up in ways that left him wondering if absenting himself wouldn't be a good idea after all.
She was still in a fragile place and sure as frak didn't need him bludgeoning into her and stirring up all sorts of ugly stuff. Or so he kept telling himself. Frakking her through the mattress, never mind the floor itself, would possibly compound the damage already done. Perhaps Kara herself sensed this danger; certainly her stance had shifted subtly, as if she were bracing herself against a driving wind. And the way she was rubbing those wonderfully talented hands together didn't look like outright anticipation, but who was he to judge?
The thought alone of those fingers playing his body like an instrument nearly had him pitching another tent right in front of her; the chivalrous sliver of his psyche hoped fervently that she'd notice and send him away, even as the remaining 99.94 of him was coiled and ready to tackle her to the mattress.
Unbidden, the images from the photos she'd taken after the attack slid into his mind's eye, flashing in clear sequence like a damned slide show. The tent pole immediately went limp and it was all Lee could do to ask, "Are you sure?"
"Yeah," she nodded. The smile she offered was something he couldn't quite place. "I'm sure I can control myself."
Hisself-control wasn't even an issue as the tent pole had promptly shrunk even further and shriveled into a fair impersonation of a freshly-hatched Aquarian brinar. Oh, he didn't doubt it would wake up the instant she laid just one finger on his flesh. He was not going to force the issue, and sure as sin wasn't going to deny her a bit of probably ineffectual cuddling.
Hoping to smooth the waters, Lee reached out with a confidence that was barely skin-deep and led her to the bed. He let her go only long enough to pull down the bed sheets, then reasserted his grip and maneuvered her tolie down. Kara watched him all the while with hooded eyes that gave away nothing.
Laying himself down and pulling the sheets over them both, another burst of optimistic idiocy fell from his lips. "Can -- Kara?"
"Yeeeees?" Her response was nearly enough to make him reconsider.
"Can I -- hold -- you?"
By rights, he should have immediately apologized and put himself out of the bed. Even he of the tin ear clearly made out what a pathetic and needy shit he sounded like. Kara waited a whole five heartbeats before giving him a sharp nod. His body disconnected from his conscious brain and spooned her with the ease of years of familiarity and practice. She didn't even object when he circled her chest and cradled her head, unless one counted her becoming completely boneless and pliant in his embrace, which had the paradoxical effect of making her that much harder to hold onto.
Lee remembered the scratches and bruises another man had left on her, his whole body tensing with the desire for violence. "I'm going to kill him," Lee whispering into her hair, realizing only when he said that he'd started crying. A mental clock began a countdown to how long it was before she shoved him away from her, once and for all.
First, however, she apparently wanted elaboration. "Uh, who? Zak?"
"No," Lee shook his head, not even registering his brother's name. "That frakker Lake. I find him, I'm going to frakking kill him for touching you." Because he was about to kicked out of bed and therefore had nothing really left to lose, Lee tightened his hold on her, trying to absorb as much of her as possible in these final seconds of intimacy she'd allow him.
"Uh," Kara hummed, sounding supremely unimpressed.
Then she started to shake. Lee could feel her once-soft form tighten and vibrate, something humming through her that he might have mistaken for coughing fit. Or laughter. Or both.
Or something else entirely. Something that scared Lee out of his inaction.
"Kara?" Lee murmured, feeling himself start to vibrate with his own hysteria. Fighting it, fighting to keep focus, he cupped her cheek and tried to coax her to roll around to face him. Kara naturally tried to shake him off, but Lee was nothing if not determined.
"Kara. Kara, look at me."
"No." She jerked her chin from his grip, only to have Lee's persistent fingers find purchase again.
"Please," he begged softly. It had the desired effect, at least in part; Kara shook off his hand, but in doing so, she rolled about so they were face to face. She still wouldn't look at him, keeping her chin tucked down and eyes screwed shut, but neither did she object when he rested a barely-steady hand on her shoulder. She was still shaking badly and Lee had no real clue how to go about calming her.
He tried to engage once again with words; it was all he dared. "What do you want me --" He was cut off by a laugh that sounded more like a croak only the damned might issue.
"I want my baby to be alive," she enunciated clearly. "And I want you to love me again." She hiccuped another terrible sound, one that again nearly propelled Lee across the room. "But that's not gonna happen, is it?"
"Kara," was all Lee had breath to whisper.
Kara however was in no state of mind to hear it. "Whatever's left of me, and it ain't much, it's yours." She opened her eyes and gazed at him. They were flat with despair and exhaustion. "Just -- do whatever you want. I don't care. I'm all yours --"
It wasn't until she closed them again that Lee was able to string two thoughts together, and only then it was to note clinically how urgently Kara was pressing up against him. It must have been her idea of willing seduction, trying to entice him into something. Lee however was utterly paralyzed, still breathing only because his autonomic nervous system was pushing his diaphragm at routine intervals. He would have otherwise ceased to function entirely.
Only once Kara brushed her lips against his did this paralysis break, and only then, it was to gently cup her cheeks in his palms. There was the momentary thought of wrenching her neck a hundred-degrees laterally for spewing what amounted to his ears as blasphemy; but this was quickly lost in the sensations of her soft skin in his hands. The softest, most perfectly woven silk couldn't compare.
This soothed some the ache that was starting to churn in his heart. Most likely,Kara wasn't even aware of her words or the impact they were having on him. It was distressing, if only because he had no idea how to counter them. He hated that, nearly as much as he did not knowing what she really needed or how to give it to her. There was even a piece of him that really wanted to take her up on this pseudo-offer, to just take what should have been his by rights.
Except he couldn't do that, either, any more than he could go back in time and keep Lake from touching her in the first place. That was what hurt more than anything; he was far too late in the game for that.
He couldn't do anything about that, but if he was going to be anything but superfluous here, he needed to -- what? Declare his attentions? Stake his claim? Mark her as his?
He could see with sickening clarity she would let him do exactly that, with whatever implements he might choose to do so. Lee knew his head wasn't in a good place to even consider anything along those lines; the temptation to carve his name into her with a knife was pretty damned enticing; even more reason to get them out of this place before he really lost it and did -- something --
But again, what could he do to get through to her?
Well, the first thing he needed was to get her to pay attention to him, and that meant pulling her out of wherever dark corner she'd retreated. "Look at me," Lee urged her. He added a sharp shake to her shoulder, hoping that would help in the effort.
"Look at me Kara," he hissed with a second shake. This had the desired affect, Kara's eyes clearing and focusing upon him.
"What -- what do you --?"
"No, Kara," Lee shook his head, staring straight and hard into her eyes. "What do you want to happen here?"
"I told you --"
"Yeah, I heard. Well, I can't bring -- I can't undo --" He had to shake his head before continuing. "I'm here, Kara. Nothing's changed. Do you hear me? Nothing's changed." He hoped she understood what he was trying to communicate. Something must have finally registered as her expression went blank; Lee hoped that meant she was mulling it over, and her mental triad deck was coming up orphans. When she didn't immediately reply or react, Lee pressed on.
"But -- I'm not in charge here, Kara. You are."
That got her attention, her gaze going from focused to razor sharp.
"You tell me what you want to do and when."
Her expression went from flat to twisted.
"You tell me when and where I can touch you."
Her body language went from pliant to get-your-frakking-hands-off-me. Lee decided to ignore this last change for the moment. He was struggling, however, to come up with something else to say, something that might convince Kara of his intentions.
Kara saved him the trouble. "Stop talking," she quietly ordered.
"Okay," Lee nodded automatically.
Kara hissed, "I said 'stop talking,' Adama." Her face still hadn't unclenched and her eyes were still locked onto his, burning a hole through his retinas and out the back of his skull. But she hadn't pulled away from him; Lee didn't want to read anything into that despite the hope that it engendered.
"It's not the same anymore, Lee," Kara sighed, expression still set as stone. "I'm not the same. I'm not -- I'm not worth you --"
Now it was Lee's turn to hiss. "Shut up."
"I thought I was the one in charge here?" Kara tilted that gorgeous head of hers barely two degrees to starboard in challenge, and it was nearly too much. Lee had to consciously lock his entire musculature just to keep his hands still.
"You don't get to say shit like that," he answered.
The tilt went five degrees to port. "So I'm not in charge here, huh?"
"Not when it comes to this, no."
Kara's eyes burned him to cinders while she formulated her response. "Then understand something, Lee. You're holding onto a whore, a criminal, and a murderess. You sure that's something you want to hitch your wagon to?"
Lee had literally bit his tongue throughout this, although this was the last time he'd do so. He'd have to come up with some other way of stemming the flow of bile sure to come out of her mouth in the near future; he'd endure it if and only if it was directed at him, Zak, his mother, his father, the fleet, the President, the gods, and anything else in creation -- anywhere, but not at herself.
Something in her quick recital however caught his attention. It was too smooth, too practiced in its delivery. Experience had taught him the more fluid Kara's speech, the more desperately she was hiding something. He had a very, very good idea what it was, but needed her to be the one to bring it out; she'd shut him out otherwise and just refuse to hear the truth. The best way to get past her shields was, ironically enough, to hit them head-on. "First, I read the complaint you filed against Lake. Second, you don't have a criminal record. Third, you've never killed anyone in your life."
"You don't know frak."
"I know that you were hurt and I wasn't there to stop it."
"I deserved it." It was a crap defense and she knew it. Lee was nothing short of elated at her suddenly subdued tone; normally it would have taken more back-and-forth in the blame game before Kara would start giving ground like this.
He took a calculated risk and pushed his luck just a hair further. "The frak you did."
"I killed our baby, Lee!" She didn't scream it. She barely raised her voice. However, her utter lack of inflection or emotion shook him as badly as if she had screeched directly into his ear via a PA system. "I killed our baby and I'm going to -- I have to pay for it."
This gave Lee the other 'in' he'd been hoping for. Surely, Kara could see how ridiculous that was. "Then why are you still breathing? Come to that, why didn't you let Lake --"
Lee couldn't bring himself to say the word. Kara simply shook her head and looked away. "I -- don't know."
"Yes, you do."
"I don't. Lee --"
He could feel what tiny bit of control he was clinging to slipping away. It was too soon for them to be having this conversation, yet idiot he had talked them out onto this emotional ledge, both of them teetering and ready to fall. The only consolation was that they'd go over that edge together.
Problem was, such a collapse just wasn't an acceptable option. At least not at that moment. Neither was continuing this exchange any longer; Lee could not trust himself to go any further, and Kara felt like she was half a second from jumping out the window.
"Do you want me to stay?" he asked slowly.
"In bed?"
"Yes.
"With me?"
"Yes."
"I -- do you want --"
"I already told you, Kara: you decide where and when I touch you."
Kara glanced quickly at the couple of spots where their bodies were in contact. "You're touching a frakking lot here, Adama."
"Tell me to let go and I will."
"I --" Kara closed her eyes and took a breath. "Stay. Just -- no more talking right now, okay?"
"Okay, Kara."
"I'm tired, Lee."
"Me too."
Kara didn't snuggle any closer, but neither did she move any further away. Lee continued to hold himself still, watching her closely as her face went slack, shoulders unclenched, and body finally and fully relaxed into sleep.
It was some time before he followed her.
TBC...pretty darn soon!
A couple terms have come up that could still use explanation:
Aquarian brinar: what we here on Terra would call a shrimp, except full-grown adults are the size of your thumb. Freshly hatched ones are a lot, lot smaller.
Sno-Flake: a synthetic drug prevalent throughtout the Colonial, equivalent to refined cocaine but with ssome hallucinogenic properties.
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