Death before Dishonor
-Hellborn motto
The three capsules floated in the cold darkness of space, at the precise location where they had initially entered dark dimension from the Terminus System. They hung there for what seemed like days, lifeless pods in an endless void of stars.
Eventually though, a Republic ship entered the lonely system. Hailed by the ground team on Solace, the new ship had finally come to deliver salvation to the beleaguered Republic expedition. It identified itself as the Enduring Legacy.
With the automated distress signal coming from the pods and under Polluck's instructions and coordinates, the survivors in the capsules were extracted in due time.
After their rescue, all the survivors were ushered to a medical bay in the ship to be treated immediately. Again Ava and Ciras had gotten out without any major injury. The devil's luck truly was with them for how else could their miraculous defiance of death be explained. Both soldiers though would eventually later swear that the Jedi holy relic protected them from all harm.
Exon was battered but unbroken, the minor injuries he took in the fortress more of a nuisance than anything else. His constitution would be the stuff of legends back in the Jedi order.
Revan was in serious condition. The collection of beatings he had taken through the past few hours had left both emotional and physical scars. He stared silently pass the attendants who treated their wounds.
The Jedi they rescued were all in catatonic states. The paralyzing agent that initially caught them in the ambush had rendered them completely immobile and senseless. The staff reported that they could probably undo the damage but they should probably be looked after by their own kind.
Melara had the worst of it.
During the escape she had been helping to drag the other Jedi into escape pods. One of the attacks from the black ships had ruptured a valve near the hatch where they were escaping. The explosion had caught the Togruta full in the face, burning her features and causing her to fall into a steaming heap of burnt flesh. Exon had dragged her to his own escape pod in the last few moments before the ship finally exploded.
She was in a coma now, rendered utterly silent and looking like a burnt corpse. Her once beautiful features had been completely stripped away. Now all that was left was a mockery of her former self, blackened crisp skin that seeped blood and white pus. She was hastily retrofitted with synthetic skin during surgery, but it would not nearly be enough. The medical attendants did not know if she would ever come out of her coma. Maybe she didn't want to.
Revan, Exon, Ciras and Ava had been declared fit enough to leave in due time. Many questions would need to be asked by Espindor and by the Republic high command. When approached by the officers on the ship about this, Crias Ava and Priel immediately deferred to Revan.
Revan simply said that the soldiers were free to debrief in any way they wanted but the Jedi would only answer to their order. The officers did not look very happy with that statement but one look in Revan's eyes told them better than to press the point. Simply looking at the other Jedi gave them shudders.
"What should we tell them sir?" Whispered Ciras to Revan before they were to be escorted for debriefing.
"Tell them what you know Ciras." Something in Revan's voice had changed since he got back. There was a hollow quality in it now that worried those around him. "Tell them the truth."
Reluctantly they nodded and left for their session. Quarters had been prepared for the Jedi and they both headed towards them. Exon looked like he wanted to talk his comrade, but he realized Revan was not in any mood to talk to anybody. The dour warrior simply entered his quarters without a word. Exon glanced at where Revan had left in concern before turning to his own room. There would be enough time to talk later.
Revan walked slowly into the dark dim room that had been assigned to him and blindly groped behind him to lock the door. He did not see any details. Only a faint rectangular shape that passed for a bed and window that looked into nothingness.
He sat leadenly on the flimsy material, not looking in any particular direction. He didn't dare think about anything...if he did his whole world would unravel and he would be lost.
Yet unbidden, his thoughts turned back to Raithe's damning words.
You lose Jedi. You're world is built on ashes and lies. You don't even know who you are. You are less than nothing.
Damn him...damn him for being right.
Revan hung his head, his gauntlets burying into his dark hair. His eyes were closed and his breath came in short gasps.
His head swam back to all the memories he had, the ones that he cherished the most in this life. Were they all fake? Surely not every aspect of his past was a lie?
His childhood, spent walking in that black desolate wasteland...was that a lie...had he not survived unknown torments to be plucked away by the one he would eventually call his one true Master?
His Master...the cold eyes, his glorious being...was he real? He couldn't say anymore. He could still hear those words ringing like a gong.
Do not disappoint me.
But then...his most important memory resurfaced...the girl in his memories. She was so beautiful...so innocent. Her smile was so sad.
We're in his together right?
Revan eyes snapped open. He would not, COULD not believe she was fake.
"It is a lie!" He shouted suddenly into the nothingness of the void. He grabbed the lamppost next to his bed and flung it at the cold steel wall. It shattered into a million pieces, shattered like his reality on life.
His fury was on him now. Where he had suppressed it all through the expedition, it came out in a eruption of rage as he fought the agony...the prospect that the girl was all a fabricated lie...worse part of someone else life that wasn't his.
He rushed the wall opposite him and struck it again and again with his right hand. The metal cracked under his constant abuse. His own gauntlet dented and sheared, his attacks leaving a sticky smear where they landed. Revan didn't care. All he cared about was the pain, the pain that would take away the agony that was his mind.
"She is real!" He snarled. He banged his own head against the wall then. The bulkhead started to tremble violently. Muffled shouts were heard just outside his room from the violent noise but none dared to enter the volatile sanctum.
"She is real." His hammering lessened in frequency as blood and tears spattered against the ground where he tormented himself. He sank to the floor then, his rage utterly spent. He couldn't think anymore...it was just too painful.
Revan lay in a ragged heap, his own arms refusing to support his dead weight. He lay there defeated, like a dead thing.
"She is real..." he whispered. Nobody answered his plea. There was only silence...and the distant laughing, left by the enemy's hand.
Ciras and Ava were debriefed by the ship's senior officers. Actually it wasn't much of a debriefing. When asked what the hell was going on at the facility, Ciras and Ava simply told them that it was classified and if they wanted to know anything, they'd have to ask someone higher up the food chain. When pressed for details about why they were found in the escape pods without a ship, Ava told a fanciful tale about traveling to another dimension through an ancient star gate and fighting a fortress full of machines created by a dead species. When the officers threatened to hold them in contempt, Ciras said that they were free to take it up with the Jedi.
"That's the truth. Take it or leave it" said Ava. Revan had told them to tell them the truth. It didn't mean they had to be believed.
Her words were subsequently ignored though, the ship officers deciding to wait until Espindor dealt with them. They didn't even bother to ask Priel, who scared them almost as much as the other Jedi.
The soldiers were eventually released when Espindor returned from the surface. His authority over the entire platoon allowed him some leeway and he promised the ship's officers he would submit a full report to their superiors once he got everyone's side of the story.
Eventually though, it was deemed necessary to post a temporary guard to quarantine the facility and the planet itself. The scientists would be escorted from the planet as well. They would all stand trial for unethical practices...or at least Sagat would. All the scientists were valuable assets and sending them back to jail was not conducive to the Republic's interests. It seemed high command would need a long time to sort out this mess.
Finally, with communiques from the Jedi Order and the urging of Espindor himself, the military officers decided they would return the Jedi expedition back to Coruscant.
Ciras and Ava hung around worriedly out in Revan's door. No one had heard from him in two days. Even after they had cleaned themselves up and rested, there was no sign of their erstwhile Jedi. They had talked to Exon in his quarters, discussing the implications of the expedition. Priel had mentioned to the soldiers that despite his best efforts, he could not be sure what system they had been in during their rescue attempt. He had diverted all his attention at reactivating their escape route.
They all grieved for Master Treys who had sacrificed himself to ensure the Jedi would be returned safely. Exon swore that his actions would be recorded in the Jedi archives and imprinted into the Master's lengthy list of honors. They had wanted to discuss everything they had seen and heard over the past day with Revan, to take a moment to let everything absorb in.
To all of them, he was a hero, single handily defeating the enemy and bringing them back to safety. Ava wanted to get him piss drunk and maybe a little lucky but neither of the males thought that was remotely possible.
However, Revan had locked his door and their calls had gone unneeded. Now the soldiers looked at each other in concern as Exon made his appearance in the corridor.
No change? The tall Jedi asked softly. They shook their heads sadly.
"He hasn't come out or said two words since he went in...actually I hear he said a lot of things...just not to anyone." Ciras looked sad.
Whatever had happened in that horrible place, it had left a scar on the young Jedi. If something could disturb the Revan like that he didn't want to know what he discovered.
Exon nodded solemnly. He glanced at Ava and nodded. "Override the code."
Ava bit her lip and nodded. She swiped a keycard over the door terminal and it open in a hiss of wind. The three peered into the gloom. It stank of blood.
"What the?" Ciras said. He made to enter but Exon caught his shoulder.
"No..."he said quietly. "Let me."
The soldiers nodded uncertainly. The Jedi walked into the dark sanctum and let the door close behind him.
Exon stood in the middle of the dark room. Only the secondary lights of the ship were on and they barely put any details in this place of despair. He squinted his eyes then...trying to make out any details. He thought for a moment that Revan was actually not in the room but on closer inspection he saw a form lying against the far end of the wall. It was a ragged, dirty and bloodied thing, and the wall he leaned on was bloodier still.
The tall Jedi walked slowly next to the fallen form. His purple eyes flashed in sympathy. He had never seen Revan so despondent. Exon was used to seeing a confident and calculating Jedi who weighed all the variables. He had taken reassurance from seeing Revan's quiet leadership and inner strength. That was the deadliest sort of opponent, one who did not let his emotions get in the way. But now, all he saw was a broken man who didn't even have the strength to heave himself up. Revan was breathing shallowly, his dark eyes downcast. He did not react to the other Jedis appearance.
Exon sat next to Revan. He did not speak for a long time, taking stock of the younger Jedi instead. Eventually he spoke in a soft voice.
"Share your burden with me my friend."
Revan slowly turned to look at the other Jedi blankly. His normally keen eyes looked lifeless and dull. When he spoke it was like death rattle.
"I am lost Exon. I do not know who I am anymore."
"What did...what did that bastard tell you? "
Revan bowed his head.
"..he told me...he told me the truth. He showed me the hypocrisy in the Jedi order. "
Exon looked concerned at these words. "Is this about Melara? Neither of us thought she was capable of this...but she is not the entire order..."
"No...this is something else. This is betrayal of the highest degree."
"What is?" Asked the bald Jedi.
Revan did not reply, his gaunt features staring listlessly on the floor.
Exon put a hand on the other Jedi's shoulder. "No matter what that monster told you Revan...somethings are unbreakable. Friendship...brotherhood, trust. I hope our time together has meant something like that to you."
Revan looked at him then with his dark eyes. A measure of life had returned at those words. He nodded slowly after a while.
Exon waited patiently for the other Jedi to speak. Revan slowly began to recount everything that the demented being had told him...about Melara, about the Unknown War...about the capture of Jedi.
Many of these things seemed to beggar belief and Exon raised his eyebrows from time to time. But he trusted the other Jedi to tell him the truth.
When Revan got to the part about the experiments...he faltered.
"He told me...that I was part of an experiment...a grand conspiracy from the order...to control their initiates...to make sure no Jedi could ever turn from their duty."
Revan looked at the other Jedi whose expression had become more disturbed.
"He told me...everything I knew was a lie."
He went into more detail about the psycho conditioning...the mind wipe and the reconditioning to be whatever the Jedi wanted him to be. He was a tool, to be used and discarded when the time is right.
When he finished, both Jedi were silent. Exon's purple eyes were lowered to the floor then. Revan thought he would be enraged at the news he told him...that he would lash out and curse at the Jedi for their hubris. Instead he looked grimly at the other.
"You believe his words? "
"I don't have to believe...I know." Revan shook his head sadly. "There are gaps in my memory that have become evident now. Things that didn't make sense. But it was all part of the conditioning...they made me ignore evidence...red flags. So I would always do what the council wanted me to be...never to question...only obey. But now...I see it, like a veil that has been lifted from me. "
Revan's eyes flashed within something Exon could not place.
"I can never trust the council again...I can never trust Master Vandar again."
He said the words with a simmering anger that he felt at the core of his being.
Exon looked solemn and he did not comment for a long time. Eventually though, he looked Revan again In the eye.
"Do you remember..." he said quietly "what you once told me when we first met?"
Revan shook his head, too tired to recall.
"You told me...that a Jedi must always stay grounded...that he must always question what one has done and what has come to pass."
"Yes..." Revan was not sure what he was getting at.
"You have reached that point Revan...at the precept of fate, your choices have been laid bare."
The younger Jedi just stared at him, waiting for Exon to explain what he meant.
"Let us say...that everything this man told you is true...that the council brainwashed you and made you what you are today..."
Exon looked at Revan appraisingly.
Do you believe...that what they did made you a worse person? That you regret who you are now?
Revan stared at him in disbelief. "Of course I do...how can you ask that?"
"I'm not talking about council's actions...that is horrendous and unjustified. But for all the pain they caused you...what is that measured to the amount of good you have done to the Republic?"
"Are you saying that I should forgive them?" Snapped Revan. He clenched his bloodied fists.
"No...I'm saying you should accept what has come to pass...and be better for it."
He gave Revan a sad smile.
"I took your advice. I accepted that my actions on Alderaan may have been unjustified...that there could have been other ways to deal with it. I accepted and I moved on. You can do the same."
"How?" whispered Revan. He did not want empathy right now...he just wanted to wallow in self pity. "How can you say that?"
"Because with your words, I fought Melara with a clear conscience. And because of that, I managed to triumph. At that moment, I strove to do what's best for the Republic. And that meant fighting for what I believe in."
Exon smiled at the other Jedi.
"For what is right...not for revenge. Some things are just bigger than all of us. You taught me that."
"It doesn't matter what I say anymore" said Revan bitterly. "They are just empty words ingrained in my head...rote. It is what the council wants me to think. I don't believe I could really defy them if I tried."
He breathed a hallow sigh.
"When we were at that place...Raithe told me he wanted me to join him. To lash out against my oppressors. "
Revan shook his head then wearily.
"I had every reason to join Raithe, yet I couldn't...it is because I physically can't. I do not have a choice Exon. I am simply a tool."
"If that were true..." whispered Exon "Raithe would not have extended that offer to you. He wanted you to feel betrayed...to turn on the order. He knew...you really had a choice."
Exon patted his neck. Raithe's words were meant to weaken you. "Half lies and fallacies to get what he wanted."
His voice was warm and supportive.
"No what you did back there...when you defied him. That was the true choice. That was you...at the core."
Revan raised his eyes then. He looked at the other Jedi. For the first time he felt something that wasn't despair...it was hope.
Exon continued.
"You also once told me...that it doesn't matter if someone calls you a Jedi Knight...but if you really are one. Nevermind that the council wanted to control you...to make you a mindless toy. What you do from now on...that will define you."
The younger Jedi looked at Exon with a new light. The purple eyes had a sense of wisdom then that Revan did not see before. Inwardly he smiled. Together they had dug each other from their own holes of despair. Perhaps...perhaps Exon was right. Even if he had nothing to believe in, he could believe in brotherhood. Faith. People like him and Ailene.
Some things could not be faked.
"Thank you Exon...I knew...I knew I made the right choice when I made you my champion."
"I am proud to bear that title Revan."
They clasped hands then and Revan leaned forward to embrace the other Jedi.
"Death before dishonor Exon...I will never forget your words."
Exon nodded..."Death before dishonor."