so i thought that over the break i would get this story done quickly but the laziness has been intense. all i do is watch buffy. its sad. luckily there is only one more chapter:) i think. my first fic is coming to a close and i want to thank everyone who has read and left kind comments behind. i hope you enjoy this chapter.
I wonder what would have happened if I had left Milah alone. Never told her about the things of this world, never bothered with her, made her feel unwanted and isolated. Maybe she would have left. Packed up and headed to god knows where and none of this would have happened to my mom. Or maybe she would be even crazier and done far more damage. That's why I normally don't like playing the what if game, because you never really know what would happen if you did something different. But I can't help thinking I played some part in what Milah did to my family. It's like a sickness in my mind. I encouraged her to be part of our world, to get along with us, to be a family. Because nothing is more important than family, and she's my grandma. But families can be toxic. They can tear at everything that is good in your life and not even give a damn. This shouldn't be surprising to me. Families are made up of people, just people, and there are some bad ones out there. Even they belong to a family. More often than not, my family is made up of those types of people.
"Thinking deep thoughts Henry?" My dad asks me. Some people might consider Neal a bad person. He left my mom, sent her to jail. Ran away from his dad. Does that make him bad? I love him, so I don't think so, but I was starting to care for Milah, so maybe I'm not the best judge of character.
"Yeah, I guess." I reply. I kick a rock out of my way. We left the hospital a while ago to walk back to his house.
"Don't worry Henry," Mr. Gold says," your mom is a strong woman and she is surrounded by people who love her, she'll be fine."
This is true. My mom will be fine. Her, Killian, and the munchkins will all move on from this and be happy. None of them have to feel guilty. Well, Killian probably will, but he didn't actually do anything.
"You didn't do anything wrong kid." My dad says. I look at him in shock. Is he reading minds now? Is this a thing? Nobody told me this was a thing. "Please, don't look so shocked. I know your guilt face. Whatever you think you did wrong is probably nothing."
"I pulled a sword out of a rock demon that will open a portal and send us all to Hell. Then I took some candy from a baby."
My dad sighs in anger and Mr. Gold looks at me out of the corner of his eye. "Sarcasm, lad, much like magic is just a way to hide from your problems. And it is not becoming of you. So stop being a smart ass, and say what is on your mind."
"My problem? My problem is that!" I say and point towards the Jolly Roger. We are by the docks now and it sits in the water mocking me. "I thought I could change her. I encouraged her to stay and look what happened to mom! She can never have children again because of that woman!"
"Henry, it's not wrong that you wanted to know your grandma. She's my mom, I get it. You can't blame yourself for what other people do, though. That's not the way the world works."
"Nothing in this town is how the world works! If that was true, she wouldn't even be here. She is only here because of magic!"
"Exactly. You could say it is Rosie's fault for what happened to your mother. Or mine for having Rosie. Or it's Belle's fault. Do you see how pointless it is to blame yourself and other people for what one person does?" Sometimes I hate logic. We have stopped walking and I am looking at the boats while I cool down. They are right, I can't blame myself. But I do see someone on a ship that I can blame. I start walking quickly to our ship and I hear my dad and grandpa calling after me and following me. She is standing in the middle of the deck, looking down at a particular spot.
"Do you even care what happened?" I ask. She just keeps looking down. I know she heard me. "She wasn't pregnant." At that she looks up. "At least not at the time, she might have been earlier, it would explain the necklace. She had a condition that can cause miscarriages very early on. It could have been treated, but your push ended that hope. She can never have children again." I can hear the two men coming up behind me. She has stopped looking at me, and is now looking at them.
"I want to go back." She says to Mr. Gold. "You did it before, and now I want to go back."
"Milah." "Mom." They say at the same time.
"NO!" she screams, "that's not who I am! She was kind and full of life and I am dead! I am nothing." It's crazy. I was so mad at her a second ago, and now… I'm not sure there is anyone to be mad at. She does look like death.
Mr. Gold walks pass me right up to her. "You are Milah. I have gone over the spell a hundred times, and you are Milah." She shakes her head. "Yes! Nothing physical or spiritually is different about you. The only thing that is different is the world you came back to."
"Then take me out of it!"
"I never make the same mistake twice my dear." She turns away from him angrily toward the railing looking out to the water. Now it is my dad who walks pass me to stand by her.
"Would you really leave me again?" he asks quietly. I move closer and see tears on her face.
"I don't know what I am doing Baelfire. Or who I am. How can I be your mother without that simple knowledge?" They stand quietly next to each other for a couple of minutes and I can see Mr. Gold itching to leave. I feel like he has said his peace. I don't think the two will ever get much closure or acceptance, that tends to happen between a murderer and their murder victim. But I can tell that he moved on a long time ago, the man that killed her no longer exists, therefor he doesn't need much from her. My dad on the other hand needs more from her…and so do I.
"Milah," I say softly.
"It was an accident." I raise my eyebrow at her, courtesy of one Killian Jones. "The on purpose kind of accident. I did want to hurt her, but not like that. I just wanted…well now what I wanted seems pointless. Much like my life feels right now."
"I feel like you were always looking for something more than what you had, like you were never happy." Dad leans against the railing crossing his arms.
"It wasn't things I wanted, I just wanted to feel like a person who belonged. Who was whole."
She looks so lost. It reminds me of how everyone looked before the curse broke. It must be hell not to know who you truly are.
"I think you need to leave." I say. "Not just because you've pissed off the entire royal family, although that is reason enough, but I think you need to find your place in this world. Right now I don't think that is Storybrooke."
She looks at me with her grim face and then turns to dad. "Baelfire?"
He takes a deep breath, "I want you in my life mom, but not as you are now. I think Henry is right, I think you need to go for a while, step away from it all for a bit."
"And how do you think she is going to travel in this world? She knows next to nothing about it and has no papers or money." Leave it to Gold to be Mr. Logic all the time.
At this she smirks at him. "You always underestimated me Rumple. I do have your 'papers' and money, Mr. Smee provided me with some. So I would do quite well thank you." He just rolls his eyes and turns on his heels to leave.
"Best of luck then," he calls over his shoulder and walks off the ship.
"Where are you going to go?" I ask.
"Some place far far away." She replies. My dad and I laugh.
"What a typical fairytale thing to say." He sighs and hugs her. I'm not sure how their relationship will play out, but for my dad's sake I hope things work out. I can't say I am as optimistic for her relationship with my other dad.
"How long will you be gone?"
She shrugs her shoulders, "As long as it takes. I suppose we all need some time apart. I am sorry for what I have done to your mother." I notice she is not saying anything about Killian. Hopefully she can learn to let him go. "If you want, I can send you both letters, after some time letting you know how I am."
My dad nods. Any connection to his mom is better than none. That makes me think of my mom. "Perhaps you should send my letter to his house, you know." She looks down at the ground. Her journey is going to be a long one. But all the necessary ones are. I give her a quick side hug and start my way off the ship, leaving my dad and her alone for a moment. He joins me after a minute and looks back to her.
"So you going to just steal this ship?"
She smiles, "I am a pirate after all." He rolls his eyes and starts walking away again. I linger for a moment. Am I doing the right thing by letting her go? Should I be doing something else? Does this betray my mom and my family?
And I know right now that I can't play this game again. I can't be responsible for other people's actions. I can only do what I feel is right, and letting this broken woman find a way to heal herself is right. Like Mr. Gold says, my mom and dad will find a way to get through what they are going through, they're strong. And I know Milah can be strong again. When that time comes, we can all try to put this broken family back in its place. Because family really is the most important thing we have in this world. I look forward to that time. Before I leave I wave goodbye to Milah and these dark days.