My Never
Chapter 25

Okay, I have to say that I know that this has been rather angsty and depressing, especially lately. Hang in there. Things will turn around soon … possibly very soon.

~ Addison ~ unknown location ~ present

Ash fell from the bleak grey sky, coating her and Devony's shoulders in soft grey fluff. Her daughter's hand was limp in hers as they both took in the scene in front of them: sinking sun, somberly dressed figures, and an open casket.

Her heart began to thump rather painfully, but, try as she might, she couldn't see who was in the coffin. The people around her wore identical black suits, their faces set in appropriate expression of grief for a person they barely knew.

"Excuse me?" she asked the man beside her. "But do you know who …" The man's colorless eyes lingered on her for a second before turning away. Panic mounting, Addison turned instead to a woman, walking quickly forward and pulling Devony along with her.

"Excuse me, but could you tell me whose funeral this is?" she asked. The woman gave her a strange, pitying look before slowly backing away. Her breath came unnaturally fast as she tried, fruitlessly, to get enough air in her lungs. And the people melted away, Devony included, as she sprinted forward toward the closing casket. She managed to catch a glimpse of Derek's still, cold face before the lid slammed shut and she fell to her knees in front of it, staining her perfectly tailored grey pencil skirt.

"No, no, Derek, no, please," she sobbed, tugging on the lid until her nails were bloody and ruined. "I need you," she cried, and she found that she was once again dressed in the flimsy hospital gown, and her leg was broken again, and she fell to the ground, her fractured pelvis unable to hold her weight.

Mist gathered in the corners of her vision, closing in, and a man appeared, his face hidden in shadow. "Who are you waiting for?" he whispered.

"Derek," she said, gesturing at the coffin. "My ex-husband. But I can't get the lid open."

"Derek's not here," he said.

"Yes, he is. I saw him, he's in there," she insisted, fingers scraping uselessly over the ice cold wood.

"Derek's not here," the man repeated, reaching out and throwing the coffin lid open effortlessly. It was empty. Addison stared down at the stark black velvet, where Derek's body had lain mere minutes ago …

"Where is he?" she asked, her voice a quavering warble in the frigid air. "I need him!"

"He isn't here. But we are," the man said, his voice turning dark with lust, and then he multiplied into ten, fifty, one hundred, and she backed up quickly, falling over the coffin as she screamed …

"Addison!" Her eyes flew open, blinking rapidly in the sudden light, and she discovered the arms restraining her belonged to Kathleen and Kristin, not her faceless nightmare terrors. In her hospital room, chaos reigned. Carolyn was attempting to calm a squirming, frightened, but no longer crying Devony, Nancy was interrogating Meredith, who had come in to switch her IV, Kathleen and Kristin had her arms pinned to the bed, Callie was looking for Mark, Elizabeth was yelling over the phone at her nine year old son, Ryan, Richard was trying to quiet everyone down, and Alex Karev was looking like he wished he'd never come in.

"Quiet!" Richard finally thundered, and there was silence. "What are all you people doing in here?"

"That's an excellent question," Nancy said, eyeing Meredith suspiciously.

"Nancy, lay off," Elizabeth snapped. "Derek broke up with her."

"Well, then what is she doing here?" Nancy demanded.

"How am I supposed to – no, Ryan, do not touch the lawnmower!" she shrieked into the phone.

"Does anyone know where Mark is?" Callie asked.

"He's with Derek," Carolyn answered. "Devony, honey, it's okay. Your Mom was just having a nightmare."

"Why was she scweaming? Was there monstwers?" the three year old wanted to know.

"Umm … Carolyn stuttered. "Kathleen, you're the shrink, what do I tell her?"

"Well, I'm kind of busy at the moment. Addison's being strangled by these sheets. Addie, can you please, please just talk to us?"

Addison opened her mouth, but before the words died in her throat and she turned away, sweaty and shivering, just wishing they would all leave.

~ Mark ~

Derek's face, although not near as gaunt as Addison's, had taken on an unhealthy cast, but there was still a hint of the boy who had put frogs in his sister's beds, had suffered through hours of football practice with him, and who had stood beside Mark, terrified, as their first patient as interns flat lined.

There wasn't much to be said, because while Derek was conscious and aware of Mark sitting beside him, his eyes were closed and his breathing shallow. And it was not so long ago that he'd been holding the paddles to his best friend's chest, hoping he wouldn't leave Addison and Devony behind, because if he did, he sensed Addison wouldn't last long and the bright, shining little girl would be orphaned.

He stood up, intending to go check on the silent Addison, when the door burst open and Preston Burke fell inside, breathing heavily. "We've got it," he said, gasping for air. "It was hard to diagnose, considering his symptoms are pretty vague. Weight loss, muscle weakness, fatigue, low blood pressure. But then we noticed his low levels of cortisol."

Mark racked his brain, trying to remember what exactly that was. He hadn't really dealt with anything besides Plastics in a long time.

"Cortisol is a hormone produced by the adrenal glands that regulates many bodily functions," Burke said. "Derek's body isn't producing enough, which seems to be being caused by the destruction of the adrenal cortex, the outer layer of the adrenal glands, by his body's own immune system. Cortisol can be replaced orally with hydrocortisone tablets. Derek should be fine, now that we know what's wrong, in no time."

Mark didn't say anything for a minute, digesting the information slowly. Derek was going to be okay, he should be jubilant, but instead all he felt was shell-shocked. "But why – what caused this? I don't understand …"

"It's the autoimmune form of the disease," Burke said.

Endless diseases, symptoms, patients cycled through his head, and when he finally realized what was wrong with Derek, his mouth fell open. "What … no. That-that's just …"

"I know," Burke said. "But it's true."

"Derek has Addison's disease. You've got to be kidding me."

~ Addison ~

Despite her earlier wishes, her room remained full of discordant voices, her head full of the endless things that could have happened to Derek. She wanted him, wanted, at least, to be allowed to go and see if he was okay, but he had to stay in his hospital bed and she in hers. She could have begged Richard or Mark, she supposed, but she couldn't make herself say the words out into the empty air. It was fear, irrational but present, that somehow they would hear her, and they would find her. Silly, ridiculous, yet so completely vivid, it killed the words as soon as she summoned them to her throat.

"It's not his fault, Nancy," Carolyn was saying sternly to her daughter.

"You would think he would have noticed something," Nancy muttered.

"He was never exactly observant," Elizabeth commented. "Look what he did to Addison while they were married."

"We're been over this!" Kathleen snapped. "Addison may not be saying anything, but she's laying right there!"

"And he is sick. He can't help it; he certainly didn't want or mean for this to happen," Kristin said in a placating voice.

"He," came a voice from the doorway, "is right here."

"Derek!" The word burst from Addison's lips, an explosive she could not longer contain. It felt like a load had been lifted from her shoulders, and like her soul was being stretched and lengthened in order to reconnect with his. The seconds it took for him to walk from the doorway to her bed seemed like an eternity, and his footsteps were slow, halting, careful.

But he made it. Everyone who had stared as she finally spoke, had whirled around to find Derek in the doorway, faded away until it was just her and him, the emotion between them stingingly pungent.

Addison moved, so quickly her pelvis tinged with pain, and he moved at the same time, enveloping her in a warm stronghold. He handled her with the utmost care, his fingertips roaming over her cheekbones, her jawline, her nose, and her lips. Derek's lips met her temple, lingering there and breathing in the scent of her skin. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," she responded, running her fingers through his mussed curls as he pressed kisses to both her temples, her forehead, her nose.

"Scoot over," he muttered in her ear. He carefully helped her shift her broken body to the side, his cool hands giving her a familiar but long-lost tingling feeling in her stomach. Then he lifted himself up beside her, his strong body cradling her back and his legs tangling with hers. "Ouch," he complained jokingly when he felt her cast.

"Mommy, Daddy, you match," Devony giggled, pointing at their identical hospital gowns. Richard joined in the laughter, along with Mark, who had followed Derek in, and Carolyn, Nancy, Kristin, Kathleen, Elizabeth, Meredith, even Alex joined in as well. And her daughter skipped around the room, smile bright enough to light up the entire city of Seattle.

"Der," she said finally when everyone had made various excuses, she realized later, in order to give them some time alone. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," he said quickly, brushing a tangle of hair off her forehead. Their bodies moved together, perfectly synced as they breathed at the exact same tempo. She was slightly surprised; she had suspected, although she admitted it to nobody, that after what happened, she would never feel safe around a man again, not to mention feeling what she felt about Derek right now. Their chemistry had been detectable ever since that spark in the cold New York air the day he helped her pick up her stuff. It was nice to know that nothing could damage that, not even the worst thing that had ever happened to her.

She didn't say anything else, just waited for Derek to talk like she knew he eventually would. Why he was hesitating to tell her, she had no idea, but she thought she would know if it was something really bad, the connection of their skin would alert her. Finally he sighed. "I have hypocortisolism."

She thought for a moment, wondering what was so significant about that. Then it hit her. "Addison's disease?!" she asked, choking on the laugh that unexpectedly bubbled up. Fate, or God, was certainly laughing. "Well, nobody can say it's not ironic," she said after a minute.

He chuckled, the movement rippling through both their forms. "Figures, doesn't it? But it could be worse. I just have to take hormone supplements."

Just hormone supplements. All that loss, all that terror, just for a couple of pills. "Promise me something," she insisted.

"Anything," he vowed.

"I can't live without you Derek. I can't breathe, I can't function, I can't do anything. I've lived without you before but sometimes nowadays even breathing takes an amazing amount of effort. You're the only one who can chase the dark away, for good or for bad, so I need you to promise … that you'll never leave me again."

"I never will," he vowed.

"Whatever happens?"

"No matter what happens."

"Even if I'm broken forever?"

"Addie … I don't know exactly what you're going through, but I do know you will recover from this. I also know I'll stay no matter what." His voice was soft, persuasive, sure, and she believed him, but she couldn't help remembering what it was like without him.

Addison ~ New York ~ 4 years, 3 months ago

"Good morning, Dr. Montgomery," the secretary sitting behind the polished desk called as she entered her attorney's office. "How are you this morning?"

"Morning sickness is a bitch," Addison muttered, and then bit her lip. Pregnancy had sure brought out some odd traits in her. Before, she had always been perfectly poised, able to handle any situation with grace and composure, and now things like that spilled out of her mouth.

The secretary smiled at her sympathetically. "Well, at least you'll get a good settlement, there's no way Mrs. Molina will let your ex get out of supporting a child."

"I'm not telling him," Addison told her with a sigh as she settled in one of the comfy chairs in front of the fish tank. "This isn't going to be some kind of war. We can still manage a civil divorce, I hope. Of course, it might be more civil if he hadn't been just a few feet away from me when he … Never mind. I don't want to cause him trouble. When all is said and done, I want him to be happy."

"You still love him," the secretary guessed. Addison supposed it wasn't hard, she probably saw many people come through here in similar situations.

"Unfortunately," she said, and then stood quickly and almost sprinted to the office's small bathroom. There she crouched, sweaty and feverish, as she lost what little breakfast she managed to persuade her temperamental stomach to accept. When she emerged, Mrs. Molina was waiting.

"Hello, Addison. How are you this morning?" she said politely.

Fine, would have been an appropriate response. Well, thank you, would have been even better. Instead she said, "Shitty."

"Well, you might be feel a little better after you hear this. There was an interesting development in your case last night. Derek's lawyer called, and he admitted, rather grudgingly, that Derek wants you to have the brownstone and the house in the Hamptons, he just wants his land in Seattle." Mrs. Molina's tone suggested that Addison ought to be ecstatic at this new progress; instead, she felt rather empty, of more than just food.

Why did it matter, without Derek? Why did anything matter, when he wanted to erase all traces of her and pretend she didn't exist? Why should she live, when he didn't care whether she lived or died?

"Great," she said, unable to summon up enough energy to make the words sound even halfway sincere.

"Okay, then, I'll just get those papers for you to sign, and then I'll fax them to Derek's lawyer," Mrs. Molina said, puzzled by Addison's lack of response.

As she waited, she dug through her bag for something to do. She had research she could have been doing, but instead her hand gravitated toward the baby name book she'd bought last week, not having any idea what she wanted to name the child growing inside of her. She flipped through it, pursing her lips in annoyance when she kept going back to the 'D' section …

Derek ~ Seattle Grace ~ present

"Okay, okay, out. Shoo," Nancy said as she, his mother, Devony, and his other sisters stomped into the room. "You've had your time, now it's our turn, now that Addison is finally talking."

"What? But –" he started, but Kristin cut him off.

"Out, Derek," she snapped. "You're hogging Addison."

He looked to Addison, who simply smiled and shrugged. The women took seats around her, Elizabeth with a bag full of nail polish, and Devony climbed up onto the bed wielding a sharpie. Recognizing defeat, he climbed carefully out of Addison's hospital bed. "You're okay?" he whispered in her ear, eyeing his sisters apprehensively.

She nodded. "As long as you come back soon."

He was about to pull back when he noticed the proximity of their faces, her delicate pink lips were only inches away. He had purposely been so careful with Addison over the last few weeks, but in that instant, there was nothing he wanted to do more than kiss her. Her slightly parted lips were tantalizing, weaving a spell of memories around him, but he restrained himself, pressing his lips to her cheek instead.

He tottered carefully out of the room, still feeling rather weak. So much had happened in so little time, he was still catching his breath, adjusting, trying to take it all in. As he left the room reluctantly, he heard Devony saying, "Bat … cow … butterfly … whale … seahorwse …" as she drew on Addison's cast, and he smiled.

"Dev, what are you doing?" Addison laughed.

"Drawing animals," Devony sighed in exasperation, as if it were obvious.

"Addison, your cuticles look terrible," Elizabeth said, holding up a casted blue foot in despair.

"Hmm, I wonder why," Addison responded sarcastically. This life had turned out differently than he'd always imagined it. It wasn't a bad thing, necessarily, but when he he'd started out he hadn't thought this was how it was going to go …

Derek ~ Fiji ~ 15 years ago

"Tell me again," Addison whispered as she stretched her long, bare body over the sand, rolling over onto his chest and pecking his lips. "Tell me how our life is going to go."

Her words were nearly lost in the warm sea air and the surrounding sounds of the jungle. Behind them rose a small beach hut, the only mar in the flawless stretch of beach before them. Turquoise water, color hidden by the dimness of twilight, rose and fell behind them and he inhaled, breathing in paradise.

"Well," Derek said to his new wife, running his hand over her bare collarbone, "we're going to buy that house overlooking Central Park, the one you toured last week. You're going to become the best neonatal surgeon in the field, and I'm going to become the best neurosurgeon, but I'll still come home and ravish you every night. In a few years, we're going to fill that house with a bunch of kids. Maybe three or four."

"Hmm," she sighed. "That sounds nice. Especially the ravishing part," she grinned, pushing herself up on her long limbs and laying her head on his heart.

These were his favorite times. Their love chased away the stubborn skeletons that could never be eradicated from their closets. His dad's death, her father's drunkenness and abuse, her mother's abandonment. But a new era, the era of Addison-and-Derek, had begun.

Later he would think himself foolish for assuming that he could so easily leave pain and unhappiness and imperfection behind them. But then, on that beach in Fiji, Derek believed what he told Addison about their future.

"I love you," he whispered in her ear, rolling them over gently and pressing her into the sand. It coated their bare bodies, like cool satin in the night, and as he bent to kiss Addison he was sure he had somehow conjured perfection.

"Love you too," she responded, arms reaching up to encircle his neck and pull him closer. He allowed his hands to explore her silky skin, which had been tanned by the tropical sun. When she moaned loudly, he whispered, "Good thing this beach is deserted."

"Shut up," she breathed, wrapping her legs around him, and he gave in, losing himself in a storm consisting of a delicate balance of passion and love.

Seattle Grace ~ present

They didn't know, then, of the baby that would come and go in just a few short months. They hadn't known what would happen, how their lives would play out, all the pain that was on its way, Derek thought.

It had been shocking to find out, by way of Burke telling Mark, that he was not dying after all, although he had certainly felt like he had been. Instead, just a short while after they gave him hormone supplements, he had been able to go and see Addison. Mark mentioned her zombie-like state in his absence, and how she thought that he had left.

They had been built up, worn out, shattered, reconciled over the years, and the life he had described on that night on their honeymoon was nothing like what had actually happened. Still, he thought, his mind on Addison's 100-watt smile as she spotted him in the doorway, maybe this was better. They knew what they had and they knew what they could lose. Perhaps their happy ending, though still a ways in the distance, was attainable after all.

So, what do you guys think? Do you like the flashbacks? Or no? Thank you for all the amazing reviews, your comments and support have been phenomenal!