22 | Roaming
"Dawes?"
"Hi,"
"It's not tomorrow yet,"
"I know, I just… wanted to check."
"Check what?"
"Don't know really, just check. Needed to hear your voice maybe. You okay? Not too lonely in that hotel room?"
"I'm okay. You?"
"Yeah. I'm home, you know?"
"Is it weird?"
"A bit. I'm actually hiding in the toilet, it's the only place you can find privacy in this madhouse. It's quite a change from Bastion."
"But you wouldn't change it for the world, right?"
"Right."
"You going to bed soon?"
"Yeah, I'm knackered. Time difference and that, you?"
"Yes. Driving all your siblings and that,"
"Yeah, sorry 'bout that and thank you. It was really good to have them there."
"Don't mention it. I was happy to help. It was a good distraction as well."
"Distraction from what?"
"From uh," he hesitates shortly, "from you, from the excitement of seeing you again, from how beautiful you are." There is silence on the line and he can imagine her blushing. "You there Dawes?'
"Yeah, I'm here." she says quietly, "I uh, I've missed you too."
"Yeah?" he smiles, a rush of happiness washing over him.
"Yeah. So, I wanted to ask,"
"ah, I knew it wasn't just a check-up call!"
"No, don't be mean, I wanted to check with you," she giggles, "I took your advice in Bastion, I walk in the mornings and I don't wanna break the habit. So, I wanted to ask, check, whatever, if you'd like to join me tomorrow?"
"For a morning walk?"
"Yes," She can sense he's stretching it more than he has to, "you taking the piss?"
"No, Molls, I'd love to join you for a morning walk. Wait, is it a walk or a stroll?"
"You are taking the piss!"
"No, I just need to know what to prepare for. No, I'm sorry, I am taking the piss, but just a little. A little piss." He chuckles at his own joke, "It's been so long, I wanted to check how it feels."
"And? How does it feel?"
"It feels like home."
"Oi?! Taking the piss out'f me feels like home, you posh bugger?"
He has to laugh at that, "Talking to you like this Molly, light and free and happy, feels like home. I'm so happy you're home, Molls."
"Me too. So I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow. I can't wait."
"Well don't get too excited, it's just a morning walk in east London. Wouldn't go to the press with it."
"Anything with you and I can't wait."
"Were you always like this?"
"Like what?"
"Flirtatious. Every sentence with you is a bloody flirt."
"Is that a bad thing? Should I stop?"
"No, yes, no I mean, I don't know. It's flattering of course, but it's confusing me too."
"Why?"
"Can we talk about this tomorrow? I don't wanna have this conversation on the phone hiding in the bog."
"Yes, we can. But two things,"
"What?"
"One, we've had endless conversations on the phone with you hiding, usually on top of the bog. In Afgan, when you were on tour and I was home and your section were driving you up the walls, or up the bog to be exact.
"And two, I don't mean to confuse you but I mean every word I say. You've read my letters, you know how I feel and what I hope for. And I'm not taking anything for granted anymore. I'm not missing any more opportunities with you, Molly. I'll tone it down if it makes you uncomfortable but I meant what I said, I'm happy your home, happier than I've been in a long time and I'm excited to see you tomorrow, spend time with you and you were, are, beautiful."
"Charles,"
"I'm done, I'm done, I'll stop now."
"Thank you."
"Good night Molly."
"Good night Charles."
…
When she opens the door the next morning, preparing to go call at his hotel, he's already standing there, leaning against the rail, waiting, a takeaway cup clasped in each hand.
"What, how did, how long have, you're just a shade stalkish, aren't you mate?" she finally succeeds to blurt out of her confusion, smiling cheekily.
"I'm not sure that's English Dawes but I was invited. But if you want me to go, I'll take this fine cup of English brew and get on my way," he smirks at her.
"Not so fast," She says as she leans in to take a whiff of the steaming beverage. "Maybe I'll keep you after all." she teases calmly, accepting the drink from him as they turn to head out, catching his grin. "Oh, you know what I mean."
They walk in silence for a while, enjoying each other's company and the light tension of potential flowing between them. He follows Molly's lead both in pace and direction, sneaking glances at her as she takes in her surroundings, looking at things that have changed as well as those that stayed the same.
"There's something comforting in it, you know?" she says suddenly, voicing a tail of a thought going through her head.
"What's that Dawes?"
"That, things don't necessarily change. The first time I came back, was it from training or a tour? I'm not sure anymore but I came back to find the pub around our corner had closed down. We go away and the one certainty we have is home and then we come back and things change and it doesn't seem certain anymore, you know, it's kind of unnerving."
She draws back into her thoughts and he's unsure if she's perhaps referring to more than just the urban changes occurring in London.
"Do you feel it happened this time as well?" he asks carefully and she takes time to think about her answer,
"No, somehow everything with my lot is the same, my mum has the same worries, the kids are bigger, obviously, but that feels right. And then there are the things I just don't know, can't remember… but I think I've changed this time," she quiets down for a moment. "Maybe that's obvious too." she mutters to herself.
"I, uh, I'm not sure I should say this," he begins, wanting to give her something, strength, comfort, confidence, "I know you've been through a lot and that there are still holes and you're not sure but, I look at you and for me you're the same. No, not the same, improved, if that's possible. You're you but you've been through more and even if you don't see it yet, you'll come through the other side stronger.
"Anyway, what I meant to say, I still see you – Molly – that's not lost."
She looks at him for a moment and he shrugs his shoulders in answer. It's a childish gesture and it makes him seem young and innocent, earnest and exposed.
"Thank you for saying that, really, I just don't feel it yet."
"Yet. Yet is good, Molly."
"Yeah," she reflects quietly, reminded of similar words she's said before. "I uh, need to tell you something. No, I want to tell you something, I think it's only fair you know, that we talk about it."
"Oh, that does sound dangerous, Molly," he tries to lighten the mood, the dread her words bring to him, the notion this isn't going to be easy.
"Yeah well," she says her lips a crooked smile, "I, uh, talked to Stravinsky about you, about us actually, I," she pauses to reorganize her thoughts, all the different possibilities fleeting in her head as she feels him listening intently.
"It was after reading your letters, after our phone call, I think you know I was feeling guilty about it all and – "
"Molly,"
"No, let me say this, please. I remember what you said yesterday and I'm trying, the thing is, I, I remember what I felt back then, Charles, I remember feeling it, I do, I'm just not sure I feel it now. I don't know what I feel and I'm scared to confuse what's happening now with what I know I felt before. Does that makes sense?" she pauses for a moment, going over it in her head but he doesn't really respond.
"You know how you wrote, you'd be happy with the opportunity to make me fall in love with you again?" She looks at him timidly and he nods slightly, "I think that's just the thing. I need to choose it, now, again, you know? And so do you. It can't be you waiting for me to fill the gaps, to come back to be who I was. In that sense, I've changed. If we do this, it has to be together, equally, I mean," she suddenly hears her words and thinks she sounds so different to herself, foreign in a way, though she is expressing what she's been thinking, feeling.
"We both have to get to know who we are now. After what happened, with what happened, 'cause, in a way, it happened to both of us. So, yeah, like you said, maybe we do have to fall in love with each other all over again."
It takes him a while to answer, sorting out his own feelings while Stravinsky's words come back to his mind. "You've really had time to think about all this, haven't you?"
She nods lightly at his question, waiting for him to elaborate. "Have you really spoken to Stravinsky about all of this?"
"No, not all of it. Mainly about the guilt. And how lucky we are to have another chance at this. The rest is me thinking, as dangerous as that is… it's what I feel I need."
"Okay, then that's what we'll do I guess,"
"Charles, you have to tell me what you're thinking, how this affects you. You can't be okay with everything, nobody's that what the word?"
"Lenient?"
"Yeah maybe. Anyway, you think you can tell me how you really feel, what you really think? What you want?"
As they absentmindedly round the corner, deep in their conversation, they arrive at the Iranian market, busy with men and women arranging their shops and stalls for the day, greeting each other in friendly shouts in Farsi and Arabic, while somewhere in the street the sound of Ud music can be heard playing softly.
Molly freezes in place, her hand gripping anxiously at Charles' arm. He turns to look at her, seeing her face pale and her eyes shot with alarm as she follows the movements and noises. He steps closer into her space, offering protection and stability.
"Dawes, you okay?" she shakes her head lightly, her eyes peeled at the men around her, "Come on, we don't have to go through here. We can go arou-"
"No. no." she shakes her head again, more vigorously this time, as though making herself determined. "We're not going around. This is my home. I grew up here, with these people. They have nothing to do with happened. Just, give me a moment and stay close, please."
She looks at him intently, gathering strength from him.
"There is no danger for you here, this is London. And I'm right here." He says as he holds her by both arms.
She nods slowly, turning to look at her surroundings again, walking slowly, all the while clutching tightly to Charles's arm. "My Nan stole a watch from this stall once. She thought I didn't see but I did. She gave it to me for my 11th birthday." She tries to talk through her anxiety, overcompensating with words, "And I used to work at the nail shop just down that street, up until I joined up," she points as she walks him through the market, "and that stall belongs to my ex-boyfriend's uncle. He wasn't my finest choice. Was actually what brought me to the army... do you know all this? Did we ever talk about this?"
"Molly?" A voice interrupts before Charles can answer, she flinches and turns quickly to face its source.
"Artan, you devil, I was just talking about you."
"That I am. It's good to see you."
"What are you doing here?"
"I own the store now, my uncle… had some trouble, passed it on to me. See? Not the bellend you thought I'd be."
They stare at each other for a moment, searching each other's faces for the changes that have occurred over the years.
"And who's this?"
"Oh, sorry, this is Charles, my-" she's at a loss for words, "Charles. Charles, this is Artan."
"It's nice to meet you," correct as always, Charles offers him a hand to shake, Artan taking it cautiously.
"You take good care of this one, yeah? She's one in a million. I was an idiot to let her go." Though he's talking to Charles, his eyes are fixed on Molly.
Surprised and uncomfortable Charles nods, "I know, I intend to."
Molly remaining self-protective, her eyes growing darker, "That's not exactly how I remember it."
Artan's gaze falling to the ground he says, "I uh… heard what happened, saw you on the news. That must've been shit, Molly."
"Well, it wasn't all sunshine and daisies, was it? But it's over now, so…" though her features stay calm and closed, Charles can feel her fingers tightening against his arm, he leans just a tad closer into her, you would hardly notice it but she feels his support as Artan continues.
"Yeah, well, I'm sorry, Molly, you know… for…"
"Yeah, thanks." She says uncomfortably, "listen, we really gotta go, it was nice seeing you."
"Yeah, you too Molly." With that he goes back to caring for boxes piled inside the store, looking back at them as they walk away, Molly gradually quickening the pace.
A few feet away, Molly, now desperate to exit the market, breaks into a jog, she whizzes through the stalls. Her hand having left Charles' arm and though her pace is not great, he has a hard time following her, due to the people filling the market.
Coming out of the narrow alleys into the open street Molly keeps running up along it not noticing the changing light as she runs into the street.
"Dawes! Stop!" Charles barks it like an order, reaching her just in time to grab her away from the busy road, pulling her to a halt.
She seems to awaken from a trance she was fixed in, panting for air as her lungs fight to overcome the exertion suddenly demanded of them. Charles sees her confusion and pulls her into his arms.
"You're okay," he breathes against her temple, "breathe, Molly."
"They've made me afraid," she murmurs into his chest, "they've made me afraid. They've won."
"No, they haven't. They haven't won, Molly, look at me," he takes her head in both his hands and tips it until her eyes meet his. "You're home Molly, you're fighting this, you're fighting for who you are, they didn't take that away. They haven't won because they couldn't take away what makes you you. And you'll find it all again, it'll just take time."
"How do you know?"
"Because I know you. You're relentless when you want something, nothing can stop you, you don't give up, you don't take the easy way out. Be it the small things like refusing to let me order for you in a restaurant or life-threatening things like insisting to crawl through a minefield and climb up a winch under a sniper threat to save a member of your section.
"Even what you said today about us choosing each other again - not falling back blindly to what's comfortable about it. You have this drive, and if you decide to get over this, you will. I have no doubt in my mind."
"I do."
"Well, it's a good thing I'm here then, isn't it?"
"Yeah." She sighs, "I don't think I could'a done this without you,"
"Oh, I'm sure you could but luckily for both of us, you don't have to. And that's my answer to your question from before - I want you. With the changes and the challenges and the finding out and falling in love again. I didn't think it was possible to love you any more than I already did Molly, but I do, every day I fall in love with you again and deeper, and I'm not going to apologize for it, that was our deal, right?
"I can't erase what I already feel to start over but I'm willing to be open to you, to whatever you bring and feel you need. So, I'm here, for as long as you want me here."
"I want you." He raises an eyebrow at her, "to be here, I mean." She mutters uncomfortably and he smiles at her uneasiness.
"How about some tea on the way home?" he offers, setting the mood back to casual, as she nods they turn to walk side by side again, "We can discuss how you tricked me."
"You what?"
"Yes, I asked you specifically yesterday, if this was a walk or a stroll and you go and break into a jog. I feel like I've been duped. l might gonna need to complain." He smirks.
"Oh piss off." She says, bumping her shoulder against him.