A/N: This one was really depressing to write. House has an epiphany, but it's not the one I thought he'd have. I just have to hope he's wrong.

Recap: Wilson returns after a two month leave, House hasn't really talked to him in that time. At first he's afraid to go talk to Wilson, but eventually he does. He enters the office acting like nothing's changed, and Wilson announces he's leaving. House tries to convince him that his desire to leave is just a reaction to Amber's death and actually isn't what he wants, but Wilson doesn't change his mind. House goes around to everyone to try to get them to convince Wilson to stay. Cuddy says he should apologize to Wilson, and then lists the ways in which Amber's death is his fault. House tries several other strategies to no avail, but when Wilson is about to leave, House apologizes for his role in Amber's death. Wilson says he doesn't blame House at all. House asks if they're okay. Wilson says they're not. He says he's not leaving because of Amber and that he and House aren't friends anymore, he doesn't think they ever were. He leaves.

Dying Changes Everything

Fuck.

I tried everything. I tried just being me. I tried risking a patient's life. I even talked about my fucking feelings, admitting that his friendship means more to me than some stupid patient. And I tried apologizing. Nothing worked.

It was bad enough that he was leaving. Worse was finding out he wasn't leaving to escape memories of Amber, he's leaving to get away from me.

He really does hate me that much.

How could I have been so off?

I really did think he loved me.

He did say he wanted to protect me. That's why he wanted to make me think he was leaving because of Amber.

But that doesn't mean he loves me. Protecting...that's what he does. That's why his patients love him. He protects people. It's his nature. He's come into contact with me, therefore he has to protect me.

But he doesn't love me.

You spread misery because you can't feel anything else. You manipulate people because you can't handle any kind of real relationship.

You don't...say that...to someone you love. You just...you don't. You say it if you're in a fight, but you don't mean it.

He wasn't even fucking angry. If he'd screamed it, I could have attributed it to anger. Pretended he didn't really mean it. No. He was so calm. He thought each word through before he said it. He meant it.

And I've enabled it for years, the games, the binges, the middle-of-the-night phone calls.

Of course he has to make me feel worse by pretending to blame himself when he really knows it was all my fault.

I didn't want to hurt him.

One time he told me I have to test everyone around me, push every relationship until it breaks.

Later on, I told him I didn't want to do that with him. I didn't want to push our relationship until it breaks.

He's the one thing I don't want to risk.

But that's exactly what I've done.

He put up with it. I didn't know he resented it. Why would he put up with me? Why wouldn't he say something?

It doesn't matter. I would have ignored him, would have mocked him and kept on going.

People don't change.

But Wilson's changed. He's not putting up with me anymore. Amber's death wasn't the straw that broke the camel's back. It was the flashlight shining on the camel, showing just how much straw there was, leading to the realization that there shouldn't be any straw at all.

And no, there isn't any comfort in knowing I was right about unconditional love not existing.

Or maybe I wasn't. He said we weren't ever friends. He's never loved me. So he couldn't love me unconditionally.

I don't hate him.

I hate myself, but I don't hate him.

He blames himself.

I guess he's probably right about me. I've only had two meaningful relationships in my life, and I've just discovered that one of them wasn't actually a relationship at all. I'm miserable so I try and make everyone else miserable. I manipulate other people, I only look out for myself.

I didn't risk my life for Amber.

I didn't even risk my life for Wilson.

I risked my life for one person only, me.

It wasn't my fault the bus got into an accident and it wasn't my fault that Amber took flu pills. It was my fault she was on the bus with me.

And I felt guilty.

And if I saved her life, I wouldn't have to deal with that guilt.

Selfish.

Everything I do is selfish.

I don't care about consequences. I don't care if other people die. I just look out for me.

I'm a bad person.

He...can do better than me.

I don't want him to.

Maybe I don't really love him. If I did, I'd want him to do whatever he needed to be happy. Getting rid of me is probably a huge step in that direction. But that's not what I want.

I'd rather have him miserable with me than happy in Pewaukee, Wisconsin.

Because then he'd be just another person. Just a stranger. I don't care about strangers. If he's not here with me, if I don't get to see him, talk to him on a regular basis, he's no longer a part of my life.

I want him to be part of my life. I need him.

I am ridiculously selfish.

When you love someone, you're supposed to put their needs above your own. I've never done that with Wilson. My selfishness has fucked with his life, I've never actually done anything for him.

I do things because of him. But I never do anything for him. I never attempt to improve his life in any little way.

This isn't love, it's obsession. I get jealous when he gets a girlfriend, I go through his stuff, I steal his food, I call him in the middle of the night. I want to be around him, like, all the time, but I never take any steps to make him want to be around me.

He was right. We're not friends and we never were. He's never loved me and I've never loved him. He should have left me years ago. He was right about everything.

He's right to leave. He should leave. But I want him to stay.

Of course I like the status quo. I get everything I want with no regard to what he wants. It's a perfect arrangement for me. I don't want anything to change. I want our dysfunctional ghost of a friendship. I want the foosball and the free lunches and the gossip buddy and the Chinese food on Christmas.

Because I'm selfish.

I hate myself, but I look out for me above everyone else.

Even Wilson.

Even the guy I thought...I could have sworn I loved.

A/N: If anyone has any contradictions to anything said here, I'd love to hear them. Please. Tell me House really does love Wilson. Give me evidence. Show me it's not just an obsession, he really is in love. I need him to really be in love.