When Pippin sings, it makes my heart ache. I feel the sadness he must have felt…oh, Billy Boyd. I will someday marry you. Okay, we know that's just a dream for me, but…
*****
Something Is Real
Part 25
*****
"It's late." Sango was the first one to get up after dinner that evening. Well, after her dinner. Most everyone had eaten, but Kouga was still trying to coax Kagura into accepting the food he was tearing into small bits for her. "They should have come back by now. I'm going to check on them. Maybe something happened after we left."
"You think Naraku's still alive?" Kouga looked up from his task, still holding a hot scrap of fish between two fingers. "No way."
"I don't know, I'm just worried." She called Kirara, and the cat transformed at once. "Aren't you?"
"It is troubling. Nearly four hours since I left the field. It does not take so long to apply bandages and return." Sesshoumaru judged. "I will also go." And with that, he stood and leapt through the air. Rin pouted for a moment before returning to her dinner. Sango muttered something darkly as she climbed on Kirara and took off after him. He was well ahead of her. It didn't matter. He was their ally, she had to remember that. It was easier to think that way when he was with Rin. The rest of the time, he seemed ready to kill anyone and everything, but he was almost gentle with the girl he cared for. It was interesting. The fact that Inuyasha showed warmth toward humans had been a weakness in Sesshoumaru's views before, but now he was committing the same act so blatantly it was almost ridiculous. He was so jealous of the girl's attention, also. What would he do if she married someone?
Sango shook herself when she realized that she was coming up on the site of their earlier battle. There was a fire there, which was a good sign, as far as she saw it. Something was slowing them up, or perhaps they hadn't wanted to move Inuyasha since his wound was supposed to be so bad. At least, that was the way Kouga made it sound. He was a rather gory storyteller. Sango pointed down and soon, she felt Kirara land on the ground, just after she'd caught sight of a dark shape she figured had to be Miroku.
"You!" she ran to him, barely stopping to check that it was him before she nearly tackled him in a hug. "I was so worried!"
"I apologize." His voice lacked something. It wasn't as lilting as it usually was. He sounded sad. Pained. "I was occupied until a moment ago."
"Miroku…" she backed up to take in the scene better. "What's…happened?" Kagome was crying into her arms, Ginta was fussing over something that looked like an unmoving Ayame, Hakkaku was trying to speak to him, but with little success. And where was Inuyasha?
"They…we tried, Sango." Miroku told her, his voice fully apologetic. "We tried everything, but it was no good. Naraku got them in the end."
"Naraku…he's dead, right?" Sango immediately reached to touch Hiraikotsu's handle.
"Of course." He was solemn, but it wasn't like when he was teasing her. It was a seriousness that went all through him, even to his eyes. "But we lost them."
"Who?" Sango thought she could guess. She had to hear it, though.
"Inuyasha and Ayame." He kept his voice low, obviously not wanting to further disturb the nearby mourners. "His bites were poisoned with something…so strong. If they had been human, we might have been able to cleanse the youki…we actually tried it on Inuyasha. It only weakened him to the poison more. Kagome thinks she killed him."
"Oh gods…is she okay?" Sango could feel tears brimming, but she fought to keep them back. She needed to be strong right now. But she just wanted to crumble and let Miroku hold her together. That sounded nice.
"Does she look okay?" he asked in response. "I think…she won't listen to us right now, but it will take time. She will grow past this moment, and she will have to move on."
"Should I—" Sango felt she should say something, do something, anything.
"No, she won't hear you." Miroku assured her. "I thought we could sleep here for the night."
"Where's his…um, his body?" she wanted to know.
"Sesshoumaru took it." Miroku answered. "As soon as I told him."
"Why?" Sango blinked in surprise.
"He said he was taking it home, and he wouldn't listen to anything we said. Kagome just broke down again after he left. Of course." Miroku sighed and pulled Sango back in, close to him. "I am glad you are here."
"Are you…did you guys eat anything?" she asked, not knowing what else to say.
"I…did not think to." He answered. "Kagome has food in her bag if you are hungry."
"I'm not." She shrugged.
"Neither am I."
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Ginta carried her body back. He wouldn't let anyone else touch it, growling and snapping if they tried. Ayame would have looked like she was sleeping if it weren't for the bloody shoulder wound. She flopped as he held her to him and ran back to the campsite alongside Kagome, Miroku, and Sango on Kirara, and the still worried Hakkaku. When they got back, they found they didn't have to explain anything. Sesshoumaru had stopped by with Inuyasha's body, taking Rin, Jaken, and Ah-Un before leaving once again. He had filled Kouga and Kohaku (and theoretically Kagura) on the basics of what was happening. When Ginta lowered Ayame's body at his leader's feet with an apologetic glint in his eyes, Kouga set aside Kagura for a moment to crush the sad man in a hug.
Ginta cried. Hakkaku started crying because Ginta was crying. Kagura was still crying. So was Kagome. Shippo started crying because Kagome was crying, and she hugged him. Sango felt her eyes water again, but she tried to resist it. She failed. Kouga didn't cry. He just smiled sadly at his men and went back to Kagura, who still wasn't eating or really moving on her own. He had forced some water down her throat earlier that morning, but that was his only success so far. That, and she'd stopped moaning. Miroku held Sango. Kohaku hugged her as well, and then she started crying harder. Kouga wished that Kikyo were around to make everyone stop acting so sappy. She had been good at that.
Miroku made dinner with Shippo's help. No one felt hungry. Kagura still wouldn't eat. Kouga was obviously getting worried. Ginta left after dinner, saying that he would take Ayame back to her northern lands to be buried. Kouga didn't argue with this, not even when Hakkaku said he'd go with. He was too busy trying to feed Kagura to care about much anything else. Around midnight, most everyone was asleep, except Kouga who was listening to Kagome's sobbing rendition of how Inuyasha's death was entirely her fault. He worried everyone would wake at the noise, but Kagura slept like a rock. Miroku and Sango only cuddled closer together and tried to block out the world. Shippo was too exhausted to hear anything, and Kohaku managed to pass through it without much disturbance as well. Kouga remembered how Kikyo never really seemed to sleep. He wondered how long it would be before he could sleep easy again. It had been so long. But then, Kagura surely hadn't felt easy before she found protection and acceptance among them. He would not begrudge her that joy.
It struck him the next day as Miroku and Sango made the executive decision to go back that now, Inuyasha was gone. He could pursue Kagome, and in this state, he would likely win her with no trouble. It was something to think about. But right now, he just wished he could get Kagura to swallow some food. It was driving him crazy. He traveled with that group for three days before he had to turn off from their path to go back to his own home. It had been a long time since he'd seen the vestiges of his tribe. He wondered what they would say when he came home with only a heart-numb shell of their former enemy to show for all the time he'd been gone. He wondered if Ginta and Hakkaku would get there first. He reminded himself that Ayame was dead, and would therefore not visit.
It was hard to remember these things. Maybe he needed some sleep. Maybe if Kagura would just eat. Surely, by now she must be starving.
The night before he reached the caves, she allowed him to feed her half a fish. He started crying, felt immediately like an idiot, and tried to feed her the rest. Of course, that was too much to hope for. She had given him some hope, though. And she wasn't resisting fluids at all. That was good. She just wasn't talking or moving. She just stared at something no one could see, and seemed to barely blink as she watched it. He wondered vaguely if she'd ever be the same. Or even similar. He missed her.
She was his friend, though. He would not give up on her.
Ginta and Hakkaku were there when he came back to the Western mountains, Kagura tied to his back for easy carrying, and an uneasy shadow of his former smile on his face. No one even asked who she was. Something was up, he was sure, but he didn't want to answer questions, so he privately noted that he should thank Ginta and Hakkaku and went about his business. Leading the tribe, taking care of Kagura. Today, there was a disturbance in the south, but it was dealt with easily. Today, Kagura ate almost all her food. She even drank the water without him having to put it to her lips. She made a few noises in her sleep. It sounded like she was having a nightmare, though, so he wasn't sure if that was progress.
It went on like that for a long time. So long, he forgot about things like checking on Kagome, or just remembering that Kagura was still his enemy. Wasn't she?
No…not anymore.
And then one night, as he was putting her down to sleep, Kagura reached out to him, actually looked at him, and started crying hysterically.
Was that progress?
The next day, he brought her breakfast. She ate it all on her own. And then she looked at him and started talking. She told him everything she'd felt when she went into the battle, before the fight, during the fight, what it had been like to die and come back, to see your sister gone, to lose your best friend, to have to attack her. She told him that all this time, she had been thinking of those things, and trying to make sense of them. She apologized for making him worry.
He said it was okay.
She asked how long it had been. He told her it had been almost a year. She started crying and told him how sorry she was for all the trouble. He told her it was no trouble at all.
Then she asked about the others. She wanted to know where the people who had survived were. Was Ginta all right? She knew he had a thing for Ayame, he must have taken it rather hard. And what about Kagome? She had been heartbroken, hadn't she? Did he see Sesshoumaru and Rin ever?
He told her he hadn't visited anyone in a long, long time, and he didn't know what the answers were. She smiled at him, actually smiled and said they should go do that very soon. It was important to care about your friends, even when you had other concerns. He was so excited, he hugged her and told her he was glad she was back. She told him she was hungry, and he realized they'd spent all day talking. He got her dinner.
The next day, she dressed herself, fed herself, and then insisted on leaving Kouga's den to see Ginta and Hakkaku. She wanted to visit with them, it seemed. She was worried about Ginta.
Funny that someone who had hidden from herself for nearly a year was worried about other people. He let her go, but he went with her, sure that something would happen that would set her off and she'd be back to the way she'd been for so long. Nothing went wrong, though. Well, when she talked to Ginta at length, she started crying and they hugged. Kouga wanted to punch Ginta, but he couldn't think of why. He told Kagura that they ought to go get some food, they'd been bothering Ginta long enough.
Kagura went with him.
That night, she asked when they could visit the others. She wanted to see Rin and Sesshoumaru, Miroku and Sango, Kohaku and Shippo, Kagome, everyone. Kouga told her she should probably wait before she went traveling. She asked if he was busy. He said yes.
He was lying. She believed him. He felt stupid.
Three months passed. Then Kagura asked him why she was staying in his den when they were only friends. Kouga shrugged, saying that it had made sense when she was sick to just keep her close, and now it seemed pointless to make her move out into her own den. She said it seemed even more foolish that she should have a den with the leader of a tribe she had single handedly slaughtered most of only a few years ago. He told her she was being stupid, and that everyone understood.
He made sure they understood. If Kagura was hurt, wolves died. Lots of them. They understood, all right.
Kagura seemed to drop the subject, but then, two months later, she asked what her job was. Kouga stared at her like she was crazy, wanting to know what she meant. She said that everyone in the tribe was responsible for something, except the children. She wasn't a child, so she should have responsibilities as well. Kouga told her that if she wanted, she could cook, but he remembered how poor her kitchen skills were. She wanted to work patrols. He said no. She said that if she wasn't contributing, she was a bum, and rather than be a bum and a parasite, she would leave.
She started working patrols that week. Kouga liked to pretend it was his idea from the start. Kagura let him pretend because it was funny and she knew the truth anyway. Also, she didn't think his pride could handle it if she told everyone else how it had happened.
Things went on like that. Kagura made life more interesting, it seemed. She was always there, changing the way he expected situations to occur. She was friends with Ginta and Hakkaku who had once hated and feared her. Many of the women thought she was amazing, since she could patrol with the men. A few didn't seem to like her, but Kouga couldn't bother with that. Even he was not universally popular, he was sure. He just had power, and people let you get away with things when you had power.
Except Kagura. She treated him the same way she treated Ginta or Hakkaku or any other person she trusted. Well, she spoke more openly with Kouga, and she was more apt to fight with him as well. She was strangely timid with most of her friends, as though she were worried they would change their mind and hate her. But considering the people she was surrounded with, that made some sense. And he had heard her get in a loud disagreement with Ginta once or twice. But it was nothing on their fights.
It was stupid, how proud he was that she would yell at him, throw things, call him an idiot, curse him, when she wouldn't do that to anyone else. No one saw the complete Kagura the way he did. He also saw a side that was so sweet he hardly believed it was the same woman who had once threatened to cut his hand off with a wooden spoon if he touched her stew one more time and had sounded like she meant it. She would gather flowers and decorate the den with them. She liked things that were pretty, things that smelled nice. He once happened on a jar of nail enamel when he was stopped in a human town on a trip to visit the southern tribe, and he bought it for her. It was red, her favorite color. He knew she would like it.
When he gave it to her, she started crying, and she had hugged him, blubbering her thanks in between some recalled story of painting nails with Sango and Rin and Kagome and it had been before anyone died and did he remember it had been red when she painted her nails then, and it meant so much that he had recalled something like that. He felt silly. He felt wonderful. He felt foolish. He felt happy.
Kouga stopped trying to think about his feelings so hard.
They were stupid, anyway.
All that mattered was Kagura. She was life.
Life was good.
*****
The End (Of Part 25, That Is)