A/n: I miss the crack, ;A;

Based off "Yurippuri"- a DRRR doujin translated by Joykillers.

Dedicated to HappyChappyWeirdo, Chibi, i2i, and Hasegawa because we're all pervs. Pervs should stick together and make merry pervy stuff~

(and I'm sorry AnastasiaDebbie. I'm working on the Christmas story, I really am!)

Quiet, muffled moans filled the hallway. The hotel floor was deserted save for a couple embracing each other tightly until their shadows merged into one. Another teasing touch and another groan of pleasure echoed down the corridor.

"Ivan, s-stop," China said breathlessly, turning his bruised lips away from the kiss, "W-we can't do this here aru."

"Why not? No one's looking." China shivered as Russia lightly held his earlobe between his teeth- sucking, tonguing it. The Russian's breath played upon his skin, leaving warm, moist spots before blowing cool air upon it. China clenched his teeth to stop himself from eliciting a sigh. Large gloved hands innocently rested on his hips, but they constantly reminded him of what they could do, what he wanted them to do. The thumbs circled and circled, and continued to circle his sensitive waist, causing a ticklish sensation. China would have laughed at the silly motions, but the feeling of Russia's hands- the heat of them- traveled much, much lower to a more… enjoyable area.

Russia, aware of his effects on his smaller companion, trailed kisses down his lover's jaw line and neck- linger and nursing where he knew China loved best. He bombarded the Chinese man with the taste and touch of him. It was too much. As a helpless moan escaped the smaller nation, he smiled against the soft, pale neck.

Not to be outdone or mocked by a youngster, China sunk a hand into the Russian's thick, silver hair and jerked. The husky chuckle of the other was easily swallowed and consumed by his lips. Tiny vibrations of Russia's silent laughter played inside his mouth. He savored it for a moment before slowly parting Russia's lips with his tongue.

The instant China's tongue touched his, Russia slammed into the slender man, pinning him against door with his body. Fighting for control and dominance, their tongues collided and wrapped around one another passionately. They tore at their clothes- the need, the desire to feel skin upon skin searing them. Their hips rubbed and grinded upon each other and a purr of satisfaction sounded from their throats. They could feel the other's hardness through the thin, cotton fabrics of their pants. The anticipation. The excitement. The proof of one another's arousal made it all the more painful and throbbing.

"Mm, not here aru," China panted between kisses, "Inside. Inside my room, Ivan."

Russia nipped gently on China's bottom lip. "Where's the key?"

"In my pocket. The right one aru." Not even wishing to part for a scant, the northern country gently nudged China with his mouth. China laughed softly, but obligingly kissed back nonetheless. He busied himself undoing the multitudes of buttons on Russia's coat while Russia fumbled in his pocket for the key.

Their caresses never ceased even as they stumbled through the door. Russia absentmindedly kicked the door shut, more focused on stroking China's tongue with his and slowly leading them towards the bed. China followed, walking backwards as he discarded and threw Russia's clothes to the floor haphazardly

"Yao," Russia gasped when nimble hands brushed against his bare chest, "I've wanted to do this ever since we were fighting together." He cupped China's cheeks with his hands. "Now you'll finally become one with Russia da?"

Staring into crystal, amethyst eyes, a small smile graced China's lips. Russia shivered slightly as the older man placed a kiss right over his racing heart.

"I guess this is the part where I'll be the bottom aru?" China said serenely, his words implying he wanted to be with him.

"Um…Yao?"

"Yes aru?"

With confusion written on his face, Russia tilted his head to the side. "I was supposed to be the bottom? You know with your pride and all, I thought there was no way you let me top you. "

China laughed, tucking Russia's hair behind his ear. "Of course not aru! With that body of yours, you were made to be a top! It would be weird if you weren't aru."

"But I wanted to be the bottom!" Russia pouted.

"You've been saying 'Become one with Mother Russia' for a long time now aru," China explained, "You really don't have to hold yourself back for my sake aru."

"What are you talking about? If you bottom, that means I become one with China! I don't want that!" Russia complained, "I'm ready to take it up my ass so give it all you got! I can take it. You shouldn't hold back for my sake."

China couldn't believe he was having this conversation. "No, you're putting it in aru."

"You're the one penetrating me!" Russia yelled, utterly frustrated by the fact China didn't want to become one with him.

China tore off his shirt. "I'm telling you I'm the one bottoming aru!"

"No, I'm the bottom here!" Russia stripped off his pants. "I already made myself clean there!"

"So?" The Chinese nation retorted, "I gave myself an enema for you aru!"

Growling, Russia made a dive for China's belt and zippers. The ebony haired man squeaked at the sudden attack, but grunted for another reason altogether when cool hands wrapped themselves around him.

"See!" Russia said, waggling China's erection, "You have such a nicely shaped cock! You have 5000 years of experience using this don't you? Stop being a tease and hurry up and do me with this already!"

China freed himself from the Russian's grip and pointed to Russia's own cock. "What about you aru? You have such a huge dick and you don't even want to use it aru? What a waste!"

Russia tried to push China into the bed, but the slight man dodged with practiced ease. They glared at each other from across the room, violet eyes staring into amber eyes.

"Mine's so small aru," China tried one last time to reason with his younger companion, "There's no way I can satisfy you. A top, without fail, should always make the bottom feel good aru."

Russia countered him. "If that's true, then I'll let you top. Mine's so big, it's good for nothing but decoration. It's just a huge lump of meat dangling there."

Minutes ticked by with neither of them willing to back down. Point after point, retaliation after retaliation each gave reasons why the other should be the top. Their voices grew hoarse, but they still continued yelling until a knock on the door was heard.

Surprised crossed Canada's face when two naked nations angrily opened the door- to hell with modesty and clothes.

"Um…um…," was all the blushing Canadian could say as he stood there mortified. He was sent here by France to see if a domestic abuse call- or maybe a mortuary- had to be made. What he didn't expect was the world's two powerful nation examining him with keen interest.

"…."

"…."

"Kansas here-"

("It's Ca-na-da!")

"-was placed number 10 on the world's best lover aru."

"I don't mind kinky," Russia replied, reading what was on China's mind.

"Then we can do rock paper scissors the next time aru?"

"Da~"

A/n: Whatever, it's a crack fic so endings can be meh. I died after the build up towards the smut, but I actually didn't want to write the smut anyway because I think if either of them ended up topping, it would've made the crack moot. And yes, my crack is the most random thing ever.

I also don't take smut seriously. In about 90% of my M-rated fics, everything ends up as a joke. It's just the way I roll.

Again, READ THE DOUJIN! This was one of the most insane and hilarious doujin I ever read. I really recommend it if you love crack and smut LOL. No seriously, read it even if you're not a DRRR fan. In regards to who's the seme and who's the uke, the doujin solved that problem perfectly XD.