13th of Sun's Dawn 4E203
She was not sure how long she had been sitting against that wall before she felt the presence of someone else in the room. Had it been minutes? Hours? Her crying had stopped but she remained sitting there, motionless, for what felt like a lifetime. She didn't have to look up to know exactly who stood in the doorway and with a hoarse, frayed voice, she acknowledged him.
"I'm not in the mood to have you correct my footwork, Mercer."
The sudden presence of words in what had been immeasurably long silence was jarring. He quickly regained his composure in order to answer the thief, seeing no need to act as if he had not been there for the whole ordeal. "I'm not here to correct your footwork."
At this Kaiya's head shot up, glaring across the room at her Guildmaster who had still yet to move from his position in the doorway. Her face was stained with tears, pale streaks cutting across the dirt that had been there since at least the previous morning. Her blonde hair was wild around her face and her eyes were bloodshot, obvious even as she narrowed them in Mercer's direction. "Then why are you here?"
"I heard a scream, footsteps and then a clashing of weapons. I thought you were fighting," he paused, giving her a smirk, "you know, for real."
Kaiya looked down at her hands before answering, "No, just my demons again."
Mercer did not answer, but instead slowly made his way over to the wall in which Kaiya sat. He joined her on the floor, letting himself slide down the wall to end up next to her, one leg out straight while a hand rested on his bent knee. They both looked forward, not at each other, neither ready to be the first to introduce a level of intimacy into their sudden closeness in proximity. They sat that way for a few quiet moments before Mercer spoke. "Well, were you winning?"
Kaiya laughed softly, her head still down with her chin against her chest. "I think I may have scared them a little this time," she said, a smile evident in her voice.
"Good," was Mercer's reply. "They need a little scare every now and then to remind them who's boss."
Kaiya laughed humorlessly, picking her head up to lean it back against the wall, eyes focused on the ceiling. "Right. Remind me who's boss again?"
Mercer smiled, leaning his head against the wall to match her posture. "Me."
This brought out a genuine smile on Kaiya's face which did not go unnoticed by the Guildmaster as he rolled his head to the side to look at her over his shoulder. She did the same, having to look up to make eye contact.
"You're tall and it hurts my neck," she said as she dramatically adjusted her position to be able to look him in the eye more comfortably. He laughed, looking down at her while she squirmed in discomfort.
"I'm not tall, Kaiya. You're just a tiny Breton."
Kaiya looked up at him with mock offense, "who you callin' breton, BRETON?"
They each laughed at this, successfully breaking the tension that had been palpable in the room prior. She let her legs slide down to sit straight out in front of her, crossing them at the ankles, her hands resting in her lap. Mercer did the same, crossing his ankles in front of him. Kaiya stared at their feet, transfixed by the comparison in size of their guild boots. He may not be a large man compared to most Nords, but he still dwarfed her. He was right, she was a tiny Breton. She felt herself relax in his presence, his overall aura projecting the stability she had grown so accustomed to when he was around. While she was cracking and breaking, here he was, a stone pillar. She smiled at the thought, appreciating her Guildmaster for the anchor he was not just to her, but to all of the guild.
Mercer watched as she stared at their feet, obviously chasing some thought around in her head, occasionally smiling at whatever it was. He appreciated moments like this with Kaiya, where words were not needed in order to fill a silence. They could just be. He knew it couldn't last for long however, as he had to talk to her about what was going on. She could not expect that he not ask about it, right?
He was surprised when she started speaking first, breaking out of her silent reverie. "I'm sorry I disappointed you, Mercer," was all she said, her gaze fixed back onto her hands in her lap. He sighed heavily, not knowing how to respond.
"Kaiya," he started, "you don't have to tell me details if you don't want to. All of us have pasts we don't necessarily want to talk about, that's why we're here. I won't pry into your business, but I need to you to tell me what's going on."
Kaiya's focus remained on her hands while she pondered his words. She knew this was coming, so she wasn't surprised. She wasn't even nervous. There was just something about Mercer when it was just the two of them that put her anxieties at ease, even facing a discussion about her mental breakdown he just witnessed.
"I wasn't always like this, ya know" she said, surprising Mercer at the turn in direction of the conversation. There was a long pause and the room fell silent once again, both gazing off.
"Do you really need me to ask you to keep going, or was that all you were going to say?" he said, brows furrowed in annoyance at her lack of communication.
She looked up at him with a small smile on her face, leaning in to knock his shoulder playfully with hers. "No that's not all I was going to say, you ass" she laughed, "I was just thinking about how to explain it."
He stared down at her, seemingly unamused. "Well, get to it. I've got a meeting in three days I'll need to be on time for." She smiled and playfully jabbed her elbow at his ribs. "Fine, here goes nothing."
She took a deep breath, readying her nerves. "Something happened about a year ago, something I'm not ready to talk about." Her eyes moved to meet his, silently pleading for him not to ask. He nodded, encouraging her to continue. "Well, this thing that happened, it's not leaving me alone. It's not a person or a threat to me or anything, just memories. They show up at the worst times, like when I'm trying to sleep," she paused, steeling her resolve, "or when I'm trying to light beehives on fire."
His brows knit together, trying to make sense out of what she just said. "Explain."
She exhaled forcefully, looking down then back up to meet his gaze. "That's what happened yesterday, Mercer. I didn't take too long like some clumsy novice, I was frozen in place while my mind relived the … thing… that happened."
"And this was brought on by the fire?" he asked, not giving any of his thoughts away in his expression.
She looked back down to her hands. "Yes."
"And you were brought back to reality by the arrow in your shoulder, I'm guessing."
"Yes, which still hurts like oblivion, by the way."
"Let me see it" he said, directing his focus to her left shoulder.
"What? Now? I thought you wanted to hear what happened."
"I do, but right now this takes priority. We'll get back to it, believe me." His face showed no signs of playfulness. He was serious.
She pulled down the sleeve of her tunic, revealing her bare shoulder. Turning to face him, she tucked her knees under her while Mercer put a leg on either side of her small frame to get close enough to inspect her wound. It was a ghastly sight, purple and swollen, the wound hastily healing over due to her restoration magic, but leaving a web of scar tissue in its wake.
"This looks like shit, Kaiya" he said as his eyes scanned the area.
She laughed, embarrassed. "I know, I didn't take the time to heal it properly on the road. It was a quick patch job."
His hands roamed over her skin, pressing here or there to watch her reaction. She winced with a few of his pokes, more as he moved closer to the wound itself. She was very aware of the feeling of his hands on her, trying not to let her mind roam as his hands did.
"You're blushing" he stated, as if telling her an obvious fact. She didn't look away.
"Yeah well," she said, so softly he almost missed it. "You're touching me, what do you expect?"
"Do I really affect you that much?" He let out a quiet chuckle, eyes still fixated on her wound as he examined her injury.
"Hush," she joked, her blush deepening at his teasing. "And are you saying that if I reached over and touched you right now there wouldn't be a physical reaction?" She jokingly reached towards him as he swatted her hand away.
"Would you really take advantage of your Guildmaster while he inspects your wounds like that?"
"Uh yes," she stated flatly, her eyes on his face as he continued to concentrate on her wound. "My name is Kaiya by the way, have we met?"
He chuckled in response before the room fell silent. His face became serious, causing Kaiya to brace for whatever came next.
"Why haven't you healed yourself better than this, Kai?" His eyes moved to lock onto hers as he spoke. "You're capable."
"Why do I feel like you're asking me a question you already know the answer to?" she asked, sheepishly as her eyes darted away from his steel gaze.
"Because I want you to say it out loud so you hear how dumb it sounds."
She shot her focus back up to meet his, surprised at his brutal honesty. "Well I uh.." she started, not wanting to continue. She felt her eyes slowly move away from focusing on his face, causing him to lift her chin to look at him once more. He was serious about this.
"I thought if I let it keep hurting then it could serve as my punishment." She felt tears cloud her eyes as she said it out loud. He was right, it did sound dumb.
"Punishment for what, exactly?"
"Punishment for letting myself get distracted."
"Mmhmm," he nodded. "Just as I thought. You realize that's the stupidest thing you've ever said, right?"
"Hey we haven't known each other that long," she joked, trying to break the tension. "I've said a lot of dumb things."
She was met by Mercer's signature scowl as a response. "Heal yourself," he commanded. "Now."
He let go of her face as she looked down, concentrating on preparing her grand healing spell. She cast it, shivering as the golden tendrils cascaded around the mangled flesh. As it dissipated, she was slightly embarrassed as she saw that the wound looked much better than it had before. It was really that easy and he knew it.
She moved her arm around, testing the limits of her newly healed shoulder. "Thank you Mercer," she said, smiling up at him. "You're right, I was being dumb."
Mercer nodded in agreement. "Well you'll still have some scarring to remind you of it, so don't worry." A smirk took over his expression as he continued, "but at least it doesn't look as bad as it did." They stayed that way for a moment longer before Mercer removed himself from the rather intimate arrangement, leaning his back against the wall as it was before. Kaiya followed his lead, situating herself next to him, both looking forward.
"So," Mercer began, bringing them back to the topic at hand, "about Goldenglow. You're saying you had no control over what happened?"
Kaiya frowned, recognizing whatever brief reprieve had been brought on by their healing session was now over. "Yes, that's what I'm saying. It's happened once or twice before, but never in a situation like that. It's like, my brain is taken over and someone else is controlling it. At first I thought I might be dealing with some machinations of Vaermina since I royally pissed her off a while back, but she hands out nightmares and takes memories, not the other way around."
"When did you piss off Vaermina?" Mercer asked, startled. "Wait, no. I don't want to know. That's a story for another time." He paused, trying get the conversation back to the topic at hand. "Why didn't you tell me this before?"
Kaiya looked at him, surprised he would ask such an obvious question. "Before? Before as in at your desk in the cistern, surrounded by three other guild members?"
Mercer did not flinch. "Yes, before as in when you told me a fabricated story instead of the truth."
"Walked right into that one, Kai" she thought, mentally smacking herself for her short sightedness. Still, she wasn't going to let him back her into a corner on this one.
"Come on Mercer, you know good and damn well why I didn't tell you. The thoughts that you have running through your head right now, that's why. The inevitable fall out" she became more animated as she ranted, her hands moving up and down with exasperation. "This isn't a mistake you can reprimand me for and send me on my way. This is a catastrophe waiting to happen. I'm a godsdamned pressure plate, waiting to explode at the first step. You're rearranging the jobs in your head right now I bet, trying to decide which ones are safe enough for the crazy girl to do." Her speech became faster and more erratic, stumbling over words.
Before she could continue, Mercer interrupted her rant by facing her, obviously angry at her reasoning. "And who gave you the authority to keep the truth from your Guildmaster based on assumptions of what he's thinking, Kaiya?" his voice boomed through the training room, but the full force of his words hit her square in the chest. "I don't care what you think I'm going to do, you have a responsibility to report to me honestly, understand?"
Kaiya cowered at his onslaught of anger, once again upset at herself for not anticipating his reaction. How could she have convinced herself that he would understand her lying to him? She knew him better than this by now. She could tell him she murdered his mother and he would just nod, but if he found out some other way, a way that involved her not telling him herself, she was in trouble.
Her thoughts must have been all over her expression because he seemed to know what she would say before she said it. His scowl softened a bit, realizing she saw the error of her ways.
"You're right Mercer." The apology had already been understood, but she owed it to him to say it out loud. "Another dumb Kaiya move, I guess."
Mercer stayed quiet for a moment. Kaiya could practically see the thoughts racing around in his head, but he showed nothing on his face. When she felt like she would burst, he finally spoke, his eyes forward. "I need you to know why I'm being so hard on you, Kaiya."
Well that's not what she expected him to say. She thought she knew why he was hard on her. He needed to challenge her, to keep her honest. Not many people were capable of challenging Kaiya the way he could, and it was his responsibility to do so. There was also an inkling of suspicion that he reacted the way he did because she had scared him, and that made the butterflies in her stomach flutter around a bit. What a softie.
He took her silence and awkward smile as a cue to continue. "I have a feeling that this won't be the last nearly impossible mission that Maven wants to send you on."
The blow hit her square in the chest. She had almost forgotten all about Maven. Of course this wouldn't be the last job like this. Why would she assume that after Goldenglow it would be smooth sailing? A familiar, Maven-sized pit formed in her stomach at the realization.
"Well," she sighed heavily in response, the truth of it all crashing around her. "That's some bullshit."
Looking over at Mercer as she spoke, she noticed he still stared forward, obviously deep in the trenches of his own worry. She snapped out of her spiraling thoughts at the realization that Mercer probably needed her to say more than that. He was confiding in her as an explanation, yes, but there was also his need for her to calm his nerves. She knew that.
"Well Mercer," she joked. "If she's going to kill me then she'll have to try harder than all the others who have tried in the past, so I'm not going to let it get to me." She smiled up at him as she reached over and grabbed his hand in his lap, squeezing his fingers in hers.
"Tell that to your secret flashbacks." he said coldly, snatching his hand out of hers.
And with that, the calm she had been able to put over the room was gone, a look of panic taking over her features. She gulped, trying to swallow back down the nervousness that sat in her throat. He was panicking too, she realized. He had confidence in her, but if she kept having these flashbacks then neither of them could feel great about her making it through another mission alive. He was also obviously still angry that she hadn't told him about it sooner.
"Look, Mercer, you are right about the way I handled this, okay? I shouldn't have lied to you, I know that. I just hope that you understand that this is something that's scaring the shit out of me, so I'm struggling with the best way to deal with it."
He nodded, considering her response. "Fair enough, but I need your honesty. If you need to tell me in private, then say you need to tell me in private. Now that you've told me what is going on with you, we can figure out how to solve it. Let's not overcomplicate things, Kaiya."
He always found a way to do this, to make everything seem so simple. She couldn't help but feel a nagging at the back of her mind however at how he seemed to still be upset. If it was all this simple, why was he still angry?
"While we're being honest with each other," he said, sternly, "there's something I should tell you."
Uh oh. Yep, he was definitely still mad. Before she could ask, he hit her with the final blow, effectively knocking the breath out of her nervous stomach.
"I know about what happened with the Dark Brotherhood, Kaiya."