Ch 25- The Night Before Christmas

Christmas Eve, 1918

"I know we should go, but its such a long walk with a wee lad and lass I don't want them to catch cold Charlie." Elsie sighed from her place in the kitchen where she was making some snacks for their evening.

"I don't know. I think we should go. It's church, it's Christmas Eve and you've made the children new clothes." He paused, watching his daughter, her little face pressed up against the window, drawing in the fog of the glass, trying to make a way to see out into the falling snow.

"Shuu they don't know that yet." Elsie sighed, biting into a pretzel. "It's freezing we live further away from the church than if we were still at Downton, people will forgive us if we're not there." She laughed.

"What are the snacks for?" He asked, grabbing a bite sized pretzel out of one of the bowls. He couldn't believe all the things she'd put out and noticed she was particularly interested in the pretzels, they were a bit salty for his tastes.

"For our evening Mr. Carson, our Christmas party with our twins, just the four of us. Doesn't that sound nice, our family?"

"Mummy I'm hungry!" Charlie cried, tugging on her skirt.

She smiled down at him, he appeared virtually out of nowhere.

"Oh there's a lot to choose from my lad." Carson laughed, lifting his son into his arms.

Charlotte yawned, shutting her eyes and turning her attention back to the snow. She was still tired from the long day they'd had the day before and a part of her longed to go back to bed. Carson gave his son a snack and put him back on his feet, watching as he went over to his sister.

"They're very small and have to spend so much time out in the cold going to and from, I'm just not keen on church, Charlie I want them to stay in their home and wait for Santa and hear lovely stories from Mummy and Daddy."

"You want no obligation."

"I want the Christmas you and I've been after since we married. Us alone in the snow with our bairns."

"Well that's why I want to go: I want to show off my beautiful wife and lad and lass to the whole village."

"Hmmm I understand that Mr. Carson…." His idea swaying her a little. "But we go to church nearly every week and we never get to stay in for days, just us."

"We'll go to the early service, we'll bundle them up and bring them straight home."

"Alright." She considered. "As long as we have ample cuddle time. And only on the condition that it doesn't start snowing again before we get there."

…..

Charlotte looked around at the church wide-eyed from her place in her father's arms. It was pitch dark, save the glow of candle light and the twins were mesmerized by the scene before them, their little eyes darting every which way, enticed by the sea of flickering flames. Neither of them remembered coming to church last Christmas Eve. They were much smaller, only two then, and had been far too tired to look around or participate. Both had fallen asleep in their parent's arms during the service, and hadn't woken up until the next morning. This year was different. This year, Charlotte and Charlie were wide-awake and in complete awe.

"Oooh." Carson heard his daughter whisper as she marveled at the candlelight.

He gently kissed her cheek. "Merry Christmas my beautiful baby girl." He whispered.

Charlie yawned, laying his head on his mother's shoulder. She rocked him as he sung along, resting her head on top of his. Elsie ended up feeling glad they came. He was right; it was nice to be out, dressed up as a family on Christmas Eve. The twins loved the new clothes she'd made for them. Charlotte had a deep navy velvet dress and Charlie a new wool sweater in the same color that she'd knit by hand. The twins felt festive and happy in their new clothes and were excited to be out at night in the village as that was also unusual for them.

"I love you my sweet baby boy." Elsie whispered. Charlie sighed, resting his head closer to the nape of her neck and beginning to suck his thumb. "Someone's getting sleepy." She accused and she felt him shake his head no.

Charlie paused, giggling into his mother's neck. He almost laughed too hard and opened his eyes wide as he looked over her shoulder seeing Miss O'Brien there behind them. He almost screamed in terror (the twins had never stopped fearing her as they did when they were newborns), but instead of crying, he buried his face back in the nape of his mother's neck, nervously slobbering on her a little. He didn't remember that he used to do this all the time as a baby. Elsie sighed, patting him on the back, understanding even before he did that he was scared.

"Mummy's got you love." She whispered turning him around and having him look at the hymnal with her. "Mummy's got you."

By this time, Charlotte was heavily invested in looking at the hymnal with her father and began to wonder how soon it would be before she could read it and what those little notes and lines on the page were. But for now she watched her parents carefully, trying to follow along and sing the same words as they did. The twins quickly grew confused by the term silent night, wondering if it met they were supposed to be quiet and after a few moments the two yawned in unison, the song and gentle glow of the candlelight beginning to lull them to sleep.

…..

"You've got to go to sleep soon because Santa will come and you need to be asleep for him to come." Cora whispered enthusiastically, sitting on the edge of her son's bed. Robert stood smiling in the doorway.

They weren't used to tucking their own child into bed, but found it to be a welcome obligation. Benjamin however, had been stalling on bedtime for over an hour and was growing overtired, something the nanny would've put to rest long ago but that the Lord and Lady didn't know how to handle. Nor, admittedly, did they really mind.

"Good night Benjamin." Robert whispered, tucking in his little boy's stuffed bear next to him, joining Cora at his side.

"Nooo." The fussy boy complained.

"Sweetheart you can't stay up." Cora giggled as her son rubbed his eyes.

"I go with you!" The idea hit him suddenly.

"With us?" Robert was surprised.

"What do you think?" Cora asked.

"Why not?!" He agreed happily.

"Come on my baby."

Benjamin was delighted when Cora lifted him into his arms, kissing his cheek. He'd not slept with them since he was a newborn, barely even then and had gotten the idea from his friends who told him they slept with their parents all the time, an activity they had no idea their own father was trying to curb. Carson wasn't exactly a small man and as the twins got bigger, he was becoming increasingly tired of not having enough room to stretch at night because his children, who had their own beds, were taking up his space.

"It's bedtime." Robert whispered.

"Isn't this fun Ben?" Cora asked, noting he was already beginning to drift off, seeming to be comforted by the fact that he was staying with her.

"Mama story?" He yawned, his eyes closed as they climbed into the bed on

either side of him.

"It's too late for story but I think it's high time for a lullaby don't you?" She smiled, kissing his head.

Robert and Cora settled in next to their son and she began to sing It Came Upon A Midnight Clear as he finally drifted off to sleep.

…

The Carson twins were wide-awake, once again, when they got home. By this time, Charlie and Elsie were tired themselves, but excited about their twins' enthusiasm over the holiday.

"Daddy no bed." Charlie shook his head as he made his way over to the tree.

"No bed." Charlotte agreed doing the same.

"Well my lad and my lass that's the surprise." Elsie told them, their eyes brightening quickly. "It would normally be your bedtime, but we're going to have a little Christmas party, just the four of us."

The twins clapped happily when she said this. In truth, the pair was quite tired. It had been a long day but they didn't want to go to sleep, they were having too much fun. Truthfully Elsie knew the twins were overly excited and would never agree to just go to bed. In part, the party was a covert means of getting the twins sleepy and settled before she did put them to bed. It was also a way of ensuring she would get her cuddle time with them on Christmas Eve.

"It's story time." Carson announced once pajamas were on and some time had passed.

The fire roared in the hearth now and Elsie didn't know if anything had ever looked as welcoming as her husband's big chair.

"It's my turn to pick!" Charlotte remembered.

"Not quite my little love." Carson cautioned. "Tonight is a special story night." He said, taking a book the twins didn't recognize off the shelf.

Intrigued the twins climbed onto his lap in the chair and Elsie cuddled up to him as she always did, this time taking Charlotte in her own lap.

"This is a very special story." Carson began.

Elsie's heart swelled with love at the sudden realization of what he was doing. He hadn't discussed it with her, but she'd never forgotten that he'd wanted to have this tradition with his children and read them this story every Christmas Eve. It was something he'd told her when they were first married and trying for a baby. He'd never brought it up again, even since the twins had been born.

'Miracles do come true.' Elsie thought to herself, sighing as she hugged Charlotte tightly. The girl snuggled into her arms, sighing sweetly in reply.

"Love Mummy." She heard Charlotte whisper.

"Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house not a creature was stirring not even a mouse..." Carson began.

Carson was also overwhelmed as he began to read. Elsie kissed his cheek,

noticing the tears in his eyes as he cuddled their little boy. This was one of those deep, lifelong things that had reflected his longing for a child in the past. The twins looked on eagerly at the pictures in the book, not noticing their father's deep emotion. He was profoundly moved to have them there in his arms, to finally get to a point he'd dreamed of all his married life if not longer. He'd always wanted to be a father, even before he'd known Elsie.

"I love you Charlie. I love you so much." Elise whispered to her husband as he continued to read. He acknowledged only by leaning his head against hers ever so slightly, sighing as he continued.

"Away to the window I flew like a flash, tore open the shutters and threw up the sash."

"Ew, he threw up?" Charlie asked.

"Daddy that's gross." Charlotte added.

"Does he have the flu like we did?"

"No my lad and lass." Elsie laughed.

"He opened the curtains." Carson corrected, raising his eyebrow at his son's assumption and continued to read. "With a little old driver so lively and quick, I knew in a minute it must be St. Nick."

"Santa!" Charlotte burst, clapping her little hands excitedly. "He's here, where is he?"

"He won't be here until you sleep." Elsie corrected, squeezing Charlotte.

"Then how come he gets to see him?" Charlotte pointed at the man in the story.

"Daddy I wanna see a fat man come down the chimney." Charlie complained.

"Me too." Charlotte agreed.

"A fat elf." Elsie corrected. Carson rolled his eyes, laughing a little and continued.

"He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk."

"Whose the jerk Daddy?" Charlie asked with pleading eyes.

Carson paused as Charlotte giggled. He'd long imagined, no fanaticized about reading his children this story. But he never guessed he'd have such a funny little boy and girl who would add all of these little questions to the story. Carson laughed, delighted by their assertions.

"Because he's awake and he's not supposed to be." Carson laughed and continued. "He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, and away they flew like the down of a thistle but I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight, happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night!"

The twins clapped when the story was over, both deciding right away that they loved it. Both reached to kiss their Daddy's cheeks and so did Elsie. The family stopped at once when they heard the sound of bells outside. Elsie knew it came from a passing horse and sleigh but decided to indulge her children.

"Hurry, he's coming, it's time for bed!" Elsie encouraged.

"Hurry, you need to be asleep!" Carson encouraged.

The twins laughed audibly, shrieking with delight as their parents picked them up and began to tickle them as they carried them up the stairs.

….

"It's funny how we wanted so many." Carson reflected.

It was late and they lay in bed, snuggled up together. He held her in his arms and lay back relaxing as she read.

"So many what?" She asked.

"Children." He said, kissing her shoulder.

"Oh…" She'd had a wonderful night with her two and didn't want to think about pregnancy or babies or her previous inability to bear a child.

"What was our ideal number again?" He asked.

"Five." She reminded, biting her lip.

She'd never forgotten it and she knew she never could. The number had been permanently etched into her mind for years, plaguing her no matter what she did. For her it hadn't been just been five people who might exist one day, it had been more like a count of missing persons. The number had haunted her for a long time, representing five people she didn't nurse, five people she didn't carry inside of her, five people she didn't teach right from wrong, five smiles she'd missed out on, five less people in the world who loved her…. Five people she didn't share with him. So she could never forget the number five: ever.

"Two out of five is pretty good considering."

"It's perfect." She reasoned.

Elsie no longer lamented the three who might exist anymore…just the one, or two who had, the ones who'd left them and whose existence she'd kept from her husband several months now. It was that child (or children) whose smiles and love she'd mourn. They'd been very real and for a little while with her, yet she'd never had the pleasure of knowing them.

"W-what made you think of this?" She asked.

"The twin's birthday coming up, of course. And the lovely Christmas we're finally having with them. Nothing could be more perfect Elsie."

"Oh. Yes. Four. Can you believe it's four?"

"No." He laughed. "I could've stood to have a baby running around the house a little longer actually."

She gulped, turning to face him. "Charlie. Charlie there's something I must be honest with you about."

She didn't want to ruin their lovely Christmas, but knew now was the time.

"What my dear?" He asked, taking her hands in his own.

"Charlie I…Charlie do you remember when the flu was going round the house?" She asked, gently grabbing his shirt as she shut her eyes.

"Go on…" He hesitated, noting she was bracing herself.

"Do you remember…what I told you, what I told you the evening Charlotte fell ill?" She asked, he watched closely as a tear slipped down her cheek.

"Y-yes." He hesitated, his breath caught in his chest. "You told me you were pregnant, or that you thought you were…"

He was nervous now, as she'd been awaiting an explanation on this front. He looked down at her, surprised as she started to cry.

"I'm so sorry I lied to you! My most precious Charlie."

"W-what do you mean lied?"

His heart started to beat fast and for a split second, he wondered whether or not she'd gotten rid of it…how could she have gotten rid of their child? Certainly she wouldn't have done that!

"I was pregnant Charlie I'm so sorry!"

"Shu, shu it's alright. It's alright, just tell me what happened." He asked, trying to keep her from panicking.

"I wasn't sure…"

"I remember."

"I wasn't sure and everyone started to fall ill. And I had no time to see Dr. Clarkson, and he no time to see me. With you and Charlotte, and half the rest of the house so sick; I was on my feet all day and all night, and sleeping by your side when I got the chance."

"Now that part, I remember."

"And then I had Charlie at my heals, thinking he was helping his Mummy and maybe he was, then when he fell ill too, everything fell apart." She swallowed nervously. "Then, one evening I was in the kitchen alone with Beryl and Daisy, just trying to have a little rest. All of us were exhausted. You and our sweet cherubs were sleeping: finally." She sniffled at the memory. "Daisy had made us some tea and I was sitting there; I began to feel this most incredible pain Charlie, like you would not believe. Within seconds I-I found myself soaked in blood…" She paused. "Daisy went upstairs and got Dr. Clarkson and in short…I lost our baby Charlie, I know you wanted another and so did I, I'm so sorry."

Carson felt his heart stop for a moment, unable to fathom the news that his baby was dead. He jumped when reality hit him again and he noticed she was lying in his arms sobbing.

"Oh Elsie, Elsie I'm the one whose sorry!" He whispered, holding her tight. He felt ashamed for not noticing, for not having been there and couldn't imagine how hard it would've been for her to go through that. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there my love."

"I didn't tell you, I kept it from you because you were so sick. And when you were well I just wanted to celebrate that my family was all right. See I lost one baby during that time, and almost lost all three, and you too…you all almost left me all alone and…"

"Shu. It's all right my lovely wife: I understand completely. And you're not alone; we're here. You have your husband and your twins."

"The baby, that baby I wanted very much to be his mother."

"And I his father." He soothed, rubbing her back.

"Charlie." She swallowed. "Dr. Clarkson…he thinks I may've lost a second set of twins."

Carson stopped for a moment as Elsie cried, letting her words sink in. Twins… again. And they'd lost them.

"Oh my Elsie…." His heart sank. "My precious Elsie."

"Because there was so much blood." She whispered.

"It's okay, it's alright."

"No it's not, no it…" Elsie stopped; unable to speak when Charlie started to kiss her. "Hmmm." She moaned into his mouth, tears streaming down her cheeks.

The room was warm and quiet save the blaze of a crackling fire and the buzz of a frenetic but bound energy between the two. Carson dove back in before giving her much breath.

"Charlie I…"

"No, let me make you forget."

"No I could never forget."

"Then let me heal you Elspeth." He whispered, moving in to seize her lips once more as he rolled her onto her back.

Elsie continued to cry as he kissed her, enthralling her in him, kiss by kiss. In one way she hated it. It reminded her of all the many times he'd done something similar, to comfort her when she'd had to break the news that another month had passed and she'd not gotten pregnant. But just as before, she couldn't help but melt into him as they lay together skin on skin.

…

Christmas Day 1918

"We've waited for this so long my Mrs. Hughes." He whispered, wrapping his arms around her from behind as they watched the children play on the floor in the midst of a sea of wrapping paper.

The Carson's had gone overboard in getting their twins presents but neither of them cared. It was their first real Christmas with their little ones and they were over the moon, even amidst their now shared sadness over the baby she'd lost a couple of months before.

"No Charlie!" Charlotte cried as her brother hit her big, brand new dollhouse with his toy fire engine (the kind you could ride in). He'd been attempting to knock down the tower he'd built with his new blocks, but hit is sister's house instead. Elsie giggled as they watched the twins.

"I know you feel bad." He whispered. "But thank you so much for this miracle my love.' He said, kissing her neck.

"Oh Charlie." She whispered, turning toward him. "I love you so much thank you for our miracle of a lad and lass."

"I love you my treasure." He whispered, leaning in to kiss her softly.

Charlotte watched carefully as her parents kissed, deciding she would kiss Charlie too to let him know she forgave him.

"Charlotte!" He cried, spitting in disgust and she giggled.

…

"Elsie?" He asked. It was late Christmas night and the two were snug in their bed as the snow gently blanketed the ground outside.

He held her close, his arms wrapped tightly around her: skin on skin. Neither spoke, both just indulging in the warmth, peace and every last caress of the other as they watched the fire roar.

"Hum?" She asked, rolling over to face him.

He paused for a minute, just taking her in. She was so breathtaking to him in that moment and even after all this time, these many years he still could not believe they were together, that she was his to love and hold in his arms. She blushed, smiling deeply as she looked in his eyes, thinking much of the same thing. He couldn't help but notice her cleavage pressed up firmly, now against his chest. Something about it made pride swell within him.

"Mr. Carson."

He smiled with all his being and rested his forehead against hers.

"My Mrs. Hughes."

"What is it?"

He didn't want to ruin the moment, but it had crossed his mind. He'd first wondered it the night she'd told him she was pregnant again and after what happened he couldn't ask, but now…

"Well… now please don't be upset."

"Go on."

"I-I rather thought our twins the two snug in their beds." He made clear he was not speaking of the miscarried child. "I thought they were a freak occurrence Mrs. Hughes. Do you happen to know how you got pregnant again?"

"Y-yes." She sighed. "Do you remember, a few years ago before my mother died when I went to see her?"

Elsie's mother had died just two years before the twins were born, she greatly lamented that she'd never gotten to see them.

"Yes?"

Elsie sighed. "Charlie I never told you because it wasn't supposed to work, it had such a small chance at taking hold and for a long time I thought it hadn't."

"What wasn't supposed to work?"

She sighed. "I went to Scotland for an operation."

"A-an operation?" He was for the moment perplexed.

"Yes. An operation: for me to be able to have a baby."

"Elsie! You didn't tell me?!"

"There was only a wee chance it would work and I didn't want to get your hopes up Mr. Carson because mine already were."

"However did you afford such a thing?"

"I saved, and saved over the course of a decade. My mother did as well, an aunt threw in some money...the doctor took off a little."

"Oh Elsie." He remarked, tears coming to his eyes. "I wish you'd told me I could've….."

"It had such a small chance of working but I had to do it, just because there was a chance. And it was supposed to be a surprise for my Mr. Carson." She whispered, taking his face in her hands and wiping away his tears with her thumbs.

"Oh Mrs. Carson it is a surprise, a wonderful surprise. Please tell me it wasn't painful."

A dozen things went through his mind in that moment, first he was worried about what she'd had to endure, operations back in 1911 were a world away from what they were today… and aside from that something inside him began to nag him in that moment, reminding him there was a real possibility, as he'd hoped, for them to have one last child before age took her ability to give them another.

"Yes, it hurt. But I did it." She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against his. "So that you might have a son to bear your name."

He'd never really wanted children for that reason but it touched him that she felt so strongly about his name, their name.

"Or the wee lass you wanted so much."

He'd always wanted a daughter. "My mini Elsie." He reminded.

She was in turn touched by his desire to have a mini her walking around.

"Oh my Elsie, my darling Elsie. Who could want more than that? You were trying to give me the world."

"I wanted a family with you so much, I would've done almost anything."

"I could…" He paused, his eyes brimming with tears. "I could always see them in your eyes." He whispered. "Even when we were sure…"

Elsie smiled, tilting her head and kissing him softly, tasting his tears as they slid down to where their lips met.

"Don't cry."

"I have to cry." He said.

"Charlie?"

"Hmm?" He asked as she began to kiss him once more. Instinctually, he wrapped his arms around her and deepened the kiss, rolling her on to her back.

"Charlie." She whispered, breaking the kiss for a moment. "Who else do you see in my eyes?"