Friday, 5th November 2010
Stand Off

You know, ever since I joined NCIS, Sam and Callen have been held up to me as the perfect example of a partnership. At the beginning I pretty much hero-worshipped them and wondered if I could ever manage to build a relationship half as good with my partner. And when Dom was killed, I couldn't help but think it was my fault, that this would never have happened if he'd been paired with one of them instead, or if I was more like Sam or Callen. I blamed myself for Dom's death and I think a part of me always will. Which is why I've been making such an effort with Deeks, even if he does drive me to utter distraction.

Deeks has to be the most annoying man ever to walk the face of this green earth. Then again, he also happens to be drop-dead gorgeous, funny and a pretty smooth operator who can take care of himself – and me. And did I mention that's he's quite cute? Or that he has amazing hair? Okay, so that's pretty superficial, I guess. But exactly where in the NCIS Operating Manual does it say that I have to be serious all the time? Nowhere – that's where. I like a nice piece of eye-candy as much as the next woman, and I certainly got enough of that today, when we were down on the beach, and Deeks was lounging at my side in just a pair of board shorts. It's just that shirtless Deeks is kind of distracting, what with his tan, and his muscles, and that smooth chest and flat belly of his. And the way the hairs on his legs are all golden, the colour of wheat ripening in the sun. not that I was distracted from the task in hand at all, or even that I was staring at him. Anyway, I had sunglasses on, so there was no way he could have seen that I was ogling him. Even if I was – which I wasn't.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, because there was an awful lot went down before all that, although I have to admit that seeing Deeks in his beach wear was probably the highlight of the month so far. While the low point would have to be discovering that Sam and Callen are just as human as the rest of us, and that maybe their partnership isn't quite as great as it's cracked up to be.

I thought that they were getting things back together after the whole Angela Rehme incident, when Callen had felt so wounded because Sam had deliberately concealed what had to be a pretty defining incident in his life. You can't be buried alive along with a colleague who then dies and just walk away from that without some residual damage. And you see, the thing is that when you are in our line of work, you trust your partner with your life, so you have a right to know about things like that. So I could understand why Callen was so shocked. And it was more than that: he felt excluded. Their buddy bromance was definitely on shaky ground for a few days afterwards, but give the guys their due, they worked hard to regain each other's trust. But this case blew another big hole in things for them and it's made me wonder if I'm maybe better off working with Deeks after all, despite his wise-cracks, because he's a pretty straightforward guy: what you see is pretty much what you get, after all.

You can probably gather from the above that there was another huge grenade lobbed into our team this week. Callen has always been open about his past: we all know about his mysterious origins and the search for his family. He's told reams of stories about his times in the CIA, plus there's the fact that he and Sam never stop talking about all the different skills they've picked up during the four years they've been working together and all the aliases they've accumulated. To my way of looking at things, Callen is pretty much the epitome of open and honest. Which just goes to show how deceptive appearances can be. Because it turns out Callen has been hiding what has to be the biggest secret of all: like he was married. And it looks like he's never quite gotten over her. So bang goes my theory about him and Sam being something more than partners. Unless he swore off all women after she broke his heart? Come on – it's possible, isn't it? Now, while this came a surprise to all of us, it just about rocked Sam out of his cotton socks. And the day had been going so well up to that point. I'd even managed to make a tidy little sum out of Deeks...

When I came in, it was to discover that Deeks was showing off. Again. He does that quite a lot, and I think it's kind of like the little kid trying to show that he can keep up with the big boys. Today he was practising a variant on the good, old-fashioned shell game called "Find the Lady", beloved by hustlers the world over. Which is probably why Deeks is so good at it. Sadly for Deeks, he didn't realise that he was being set up, with Nell standing on the balcony, using an x-ray camera and transmitting the information to Sam, who was then signalling Callen. At the time I didn't know that either, but I did know that something was up, mainly because Callen wasn't taking the opportunity to go about how he'd trained as a magician. It's usually at this point that he also informs us that he prefers to be known as a prestidigitator. We know already, Callen – so do us all a favour and give it a rest, will you? It's not big and it's not clever, although it could get you fifty bucks an hour doing kiddies' parties if all else fails.

"You have to captivate the mark's eyes and ears with what you're doing with your mouth and your hands," Deeks says in an attempt to justify his patter, which consists of such statements as 'the kid is nice' (which is true) and 'watch Uncle Marty' (which is downright creepy).

Hey Deeks: why don't you tell me something I don't know? You see, I have a bit of a thing for Deeks' hands. He has lovely hands – very flexible and mobile, with long, slender fingers. And his mouth is okay too, as long as he's not speaking, of course. So there is no need for him to prattle on about captivating attention with his hands and mouth, because he's preaching to the choir. I could write a book about how captivating Deeks' hands and mouth are. Along with one or two other choice parts of his anatomy.

Anyway, between us we manage to relieve Deeks of a considerable amount of cash before Hetty has to break everything up and tell us that she doesn't approve of the way we are coercing Miss Jones into our 'shennanigans', which is when Callen has to let slip that the whole x-ray camera business was Nell's idea in the first place. The look on Deeks' face when he heard that was priceless and he sloped off up to Ops muttering something along the lines of "Super not-awesome" under his breath.

It seems that I'm not the only person who thinks that Deeks has a great ass (which I might have mentioned before) because I distinctly heard Hetty say "The kid is nice indeed," underneath her breath as she watched his denim-clad rear disappear upstairs. She's a wise woman, is Hetty.

So, there we all were standing in Ops and watching this hostage situation play out on live TV. It's taking place at the Naval Recruiting Centre and at least ten hostages were being used as a human shield, which meant that the LAPD SWAT team couldn't go in. According to the intelligence Eric had hastily gathered, a soccer mom called Tracey Keller was the person in charge, although she'd not made any demands at all.

Okay, that was definitely different. Had some sailor's kid fouled hers at the goalmouth or something? That was when Callen dropped his bombshell.

"Tracey Keller is an alias. That's my ex-wife."

It was immediately obvious that this was a complete surprise to Sam, although he tried to hide his shock. He was almost successful, but I spotted the dazed look of incomprehension in his eyes.

"We were in the CIA together, working undercover," Callen continues. He's doing his best to stay composed, but he can't stop looking at Tracey's photo onscreen. It's not hard to see why, because she is gorgeous. Deeks is slightly less subtle:

"She seems way too hot for you." I stand on his foot, very hard – but sadly I've not got stiletto heeled boots on this time, so the damage is probably minimal.

"Do you keep in touch?" Sam is having trouble processing the fact his partner was not only married, but that he obviously has a whole sack load of unresolved issues weighing down upon him. Of course, what is really bothering Sam is that Callen has never so much as mentioned this to him.

Callen shakes his head. "No, she retired five years ago and I haven't heard from her since." There's an awful lot of sadness in his voice. It looks like Tracey is not only the one who got away but who broke his heart.

"Undercover agents never retire – they just go deeper," Hetty says crisply.

"What's her real name?" Sam wants to get back to the main topic, which is finding out all the things his partner has omitted to tell him.

Callen shrugs. "Good question. I never knew."

The silence that followed that admission was deafening. You could practically see the tumbleweed rolling past as we all desperately tried to think of something to say. Now, I thought I'd had a screwed-up relationship with Jack, but this beats it into touch. Callen was married but he never knew her real name? No, that one is too weird even for me to process. He really must have been in love with her. And then it hits us: why has Tracey re-activated an old alias from over five years ago? That's not just risky, it's suicidal.

The fracture between the guys widens a little bit more at this point, because while Callen reckons that this is her way of trying to get back in contact with him, Sam believes Tracey has gone rogue and the hostage situation is for real. I have to say, on the balance of probabilities, I'm going to go with Sam. There's wanting to get back with your ex, and then there is deliberately organising a stand-off situation that has an excellent chance of ending up with you in the morgue. Plus, why on earth would you wait over five years before doing something crazy like this? It just adds more credence to my belief that Callen has never stopped loving his ex-wife. I still can't get used to saying that, or even thinking it. As Deeks might say: Callen? Married? Really?

"What happened between you two?" Sam asks, trying to be casual about it.

"It's a long story."

Okay, so Callen doesn't want to talk about it, not even with Sam. It's kind of a public put-down, and he could have handled it a lot better, which only goes to show what a hold Tracey still has over him. Of course, I know that you can't just switch off your feelings, that you don't just stop loving somebody because they walk out on you. Not that I actually know Tracey walked out on him, I'm just guessing. No, I'm not. I'm personalising this, and I shouldn't. This has got nothing to do with me and Jack. Nothing at all. It's completely different. It's just that I understand, that's all. I know exactly what it is like to be the one who is left – who is left standing wondering what the hell happened and how on earth you are to summon up the courage to survive. They say that you never hear the bullet that kills you. I don't know about that, but I do know that no matter how bad a relationship is, you never imagine that one day the person you love more than anything, almost more than life itself, ill walk out on you, shut the door behind them and never return. Because you always think your love for them will be strong enough to keep them. It won't be. If they want to go, they will go. They will go and they won't even look back. And somehow you will have to pick up the pieces of your life and try to find a reason to keep living. So I do understand. I know exactly how hurt he is and how inadequate it makes him feel.

Despite that Callen has all but spelt out that he doesn't want to talk about his failed marriage, Sam persists. "So give me the short version." And then he plays his trump card: "If it wasn't essential to the mission, I wouldn't ask."

And with that Sam has backed his partner into a corner. It would not only be totally unreasonable for Callen to refuse to say any more, it would be completely unprofessional. And Callen is the consummate professional. We all know that. I just never knew quite how sneaky Sam could be, that's all. He must have been taking lessons from Nate. And that reminds me: where is Nate and why haven't we heard anything from him? He's been gone for weeks now, and we've not even had a text, far less an email. I must remember to ask Hetty about this one day.

"She's the kind of person who chooses the mission over her partner," Callen says shortly and then walks out of Ops. There's another of those awkward silences and eventually Sam leaves too. I've no idea if he is going after Calle to try to talk to him, but I rather doubt it. I thought they'd sorted things out the other day, but it looks like there's another rift developing between them. Suddenly the stable ground I thought this team was founded on is looking terrible shaky, like we're sitting on top of a fault line and just waiting for the earthquake that will send us all tumbling into disaster. Of course, we are sitting on a fault line, a huge great one, called the San Andreas Fault, but I'd really rather not think about that, because it gives me nightmares when I do. Which reminds me: I really do need to put an earthquake survival kit together, just in case.

"That was… intense," Deeks says, shaking his head. He's wearing a baseball shirt in two shades of blue, and it makes his arms look really good. It also matches really well with my own blue shirt. I've suddenly developed a real liking for blue.

"Tell me about it. I thought they were the dream team."

"And we're the also-rans?" He smiles at me. "They didn't write the book, Kensi. There's all sorts of ways to build a partnership, you know. Sam and Callen don't have the monopoly on partnerships. And even if they did, what works for them won't automatically work for us."

"I wasn't talking about us." Only I was, sort of. Because if Sam and Callen can't make it work, what hope is there for me and Deeks/ Those guys love each other and there are times I can barely tolerate Deeks. He just has this ability to make me so mad. I've no idea why. "It's just that they seemed so close, like they shared everything. I mean, there was a while back when Callen practically lived at Sam's. But now it's like they've never even talked about things."

Deeks gives me one of his long-suffering looks. "Kensi: they're two guys. Of course they haven't talked about things. That goes against the job description of being a guy."

"You go through a marriage break up and you don't talk about it? Come on, get real."

"Kensi – you're looking at it from the wrong perspective. Of course you and your girlfriends talk about your relationships. But that's because you're women. And maybe if you'd known Callen back then, he would have come to you and you could have talked about it. But ask two men to talk about their feelings? To each other? Never going to happen. The way I see it, Callen would go to Sam, tell him his marriage was over and Sam would clap him on the back, give him a beer and say that it sucked big time. And then they would have watched a game and drunk a few more beers."

"You're kidding me, right?" Not that I told anybody when Jack left. I'd hidden how crappy things were from everybody and I was ashamed to admit it when he walked out. And besides which, I thought it was my fault. I still do – sort of. But I'm working on that.

"Why would I kid you about something like that? Listen, everybody has secrets. It's no big deal. They'll get over it."

"Partners should share things," I argue. "Important things like that anyway."

That's when Deeks looks very carefully at me. "Okay then, fire away."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Really? Trust is a two-way street, Kensi. You're digging, because you want to know my secrets, but at the same time, you want to keep your own. Well, it doesn't work like that."

Sometimes his sheer bravado takes my breath away. "You're not that interesting, Deeks." Why would I want to know his deepest, darkest secrets? Even if he had any that were actually interesting, which I sincerely doubt.

"Can I help it if you think so?" He does that thing with his eyebrows again and then walks away.

"Mr Deeks does have a point, my dear."

I felt like telling Hetty that if Mr Deeks isn't careful he's going to feel the point of my boot right in his cute little ass if he keeps on hassling me, but I managed to restrain myself. "He needs to learn to share, Hetty."

"And what about you? We all have our secrets, the things that drive us and make us who we are Sometimes these secrets are simply too corrosive to allow them to be exposed to the open air. Mr Callen and Mr Hanna will work things out. They always have."

She sounds so utterly certain and I almost believe her.

"And what about us? Me and Deeks, I mean." How are we supposed to work out our differences if Sam and Callen can't? Discovering they are fallible is almost as bad as the day I discovered Santa was really my Dad. And while I'm prepared to share to an extent, I have my limits. There is no way I am ever letting Deeks know about the demons that drive me.

"What about you? I think that how you manage your working relationship is something that has to be worked out between you and Mr Deeks." It's probably a trick of the light, but it kind of looks like she's winking at me. "Do make sure you have fun when you're doing that."

I have absolutely no idea what Hetty means by that. Sometimes that woman is far too cryptic for her own good. She is right to a degree though: working with Deeks is kind of fun. I've never met a man who can make me smile quite as much as he can, even when I should be mad at him.

Until I started rewatching all the episodes to write this story, I'd never quite twigged that Sam and Callen's partnership was rocked by two major revelations in two successive episodes. Hmm... is our favourite same-sex partnership not quite as joined at the hip as we might have thought?
For a more in depth look at Sam and Callen, don't miss next weeks 'In The Bullpen' over at ncislafan blogspot, when Phillydi and I will be discussing whether they have a bromance or a romance. And don't forget to check out her two-part blog on NCIS:LA fanfiction, featuring views from a number of writers from fanfiction dot net, including the woman with a mission to maim - none other than me!