"Ugh. This is so bad." I lift the remote and switch the channels with a grunt, my seventeen year old brain unable to put my attention on the show for more than a minute.

"No fair. Change it back, it was just getting to the good part." Glen whines.

"There is no good part, Glen. You're like, the only person in the universe who watches this."

"Everyone watches COPS."

"False. That's why they put it on Saturday nights." I argue, settling on a channel.

"Yeah, right! I am not watching Dawson's Creek." Glen attempts to snatch the remote from my hand. "I hate that theme song."

"I don't wanna wait!" I hold it out of his grasp, taunting him in song. "La la la, Glen's not gonna get the remote, da da da!"

"No!" Glen covers his ears. "It haunts me."

I just laugh at him, until he calls out his Mother. Paula ambles in from checking the mail to see what all the fuss is about. "Did Ashley pinch you again?" She looks amused.

"She's making me watch Dawson's Creek."

"So?"

"It's like, a repeat." Glen groans.

"You almost sound like a fan." Paula teases, then turns to me. "Is Spencer not home yet?"

"She went to a later showing of the movie because Aiden," I give an unmistakeable eye roll, "Wanted to grab a burger."

Paula almost gives me a sympathetic look, nodding in understanding, then turns to Glen, who's busy glowering at the screen. "Be nice to Ashley." She says pointedly, then exits to the kitchen.

"Can we seriously watch something else?" Glen asks, and I just toss the controller to him, the fight no longer in me.

"Knock yourself out. I'm gonna go home."

"Aw, come on. This is the only night in all the Saturday nights that will ever be that I'm sitting on this couch."

"Then maybe you shouldn't have mooned the principal. You probably wouldn't be grounded." I level my stare at the TV as Glen switches it back to COPS.

"Maybe he shouldn't have given me detention." Glen shrugs. "And I maintain that she wanted to see my butt."

I laugh despite myself.

"Is that a laugh I hear?" Glen says slyly. He knows I'm in a down mood tonight, Spencer's been missing in action nearly all day and here I am, sitting on her couch and waiting for her. I'm sure my mood is written all over my face. "An honest to goodness Ashley Davies laugh?"

"Sounded like it." Paula enters from the kitchen with three cans of soda and passes them out. "Scoot over, kids." She places her can daintily on a coaster then plucks the remote out of Glen's hand. "Murder, She Wrote is on."

Glen and I groan in unison. "Mom!" "Paula."

"What?"

"Murder, She Wrote? Some old chick solving mysteries? If I wanted to be bored, I'd read." Glen complains, though it looks like he's laughing a little, too.

"Ah, it's cool, Paula. I've always had a thing for Angela Lansbury, anyways." I joke. Glen laughs out loud but Paula doesn't really acknowledge that I've said anything. I instinctively redden and concentrate on the TV, feeling a bit embarassed.

I know Paula loves me like her own, but I also know I'm in love with her daughter. My adolescence has been a confusing, convoluted one, but the one thing I know for sure is that Paula would not be happy to learn that Spencer shares any wayward feelings toward me, though I'm nearly positive she's on to the fact that I'm a love struck puppy when it comes to her daughter.

I don't know if it's something she worries about, but I can see a frown tugging at the corners of her lips everytime Spencer brushes a kiss onto my cheek. She is a constant reminder of why Spencer is so scared of me, and she's done more for me than my own Mother can claim.

It's a strange situation and it makes my heart hurt when I think about it too much. Paula is a good woman, but she affects me more than she will ever know.

"I bet she was hot once." Glen observes, staring at the screen. "Was she?"

Paula turns toward him on a stiff neck, raising one eyebrow. "Hm?"

"Was she a knockout?"

Paula glances at me quickly, then back to Glen and gives him a tiny smile. "She was alright."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know if I should come, but I didn't know anywhere else..."

I babble pathetically until Paula reaches out and grips my shoulder, willing me into the house with a concerned look on her face. "Ashley, you can always stop by." The closes the door behind me, peering at my face. "Is everything okay?"

I take a second to catch my breath. My feet took on a mind of their own after I realized I left my car at Spencer's and found myself blazing a trail towards the home of Paula Carlin. "I'm fine." I tell her, then I shake my head. "Actually, you know what, I'm not. No, I'm not fine."

"Sit down." Paula says, leading me to the couch. "Where's Spencer? Tell me what happened."

"I think she's mad at me." I say lamely. "I know she's mad at me. Ugh." I stand up. "I'm sorry, I have to go. I shouldn't have - "

"Ashley." Paula says firmly, and I drop back down into my seat. "If there's anything I do well it's Spencer and Ashley drama, God knows I've lived it since you two were kids."

I try to smile graciously at her, but I can only give her a sad, worn look. "Paula..."

"It's fine, honey." She assures me in a warm voice, and I almost start crying.

"I miss Spencer." I breathe out, words on air and bearly audible.

"I don't - "

"I love Spencer."

"Of course you do, I love Spe - "

"Paula." I meet her eyes, feeling exhausted. "I love Spencer."

Paula's face does not move a bit.

I sigh, sensing something heavy on the air. In a flash, I'm doubting every single reason I came here. I'm uncomfortable and my shoulders are sagging more with every second. "I'll leave."

Paula exhales a large amount of air she'd been holding and shakes her head slowly. "You don't have to leave."

I study Paula's face for a minute, and she lets her head hang for a second. When she looks back at me, I'm about to leave but the resolute look on her face stops me. "When she was eighteen, Spencer told me she wanted to be with you forever."

I immediately stand up straighter, barely register a nervous fluttering in my stomach.

"And I told her...I told her that couldn't happen."

My heart breaks for the millionth time that day, and I stand in silence.

"Because two girls weren't supposed to sleep in each other's beds and want to kiss each other. I saw it. I saw this - pure love between you two." Paula's lips press into a thin line, and she's not staring at me but over my shoulder and into the past with a faraway look in her eyes. "It's not...it wasn't right. I was raised to believe that. It was wrong, somehow. Unnatural."

I shudder internally, refusing to speak.

"Ashley, I love you like my own daughter. When you left, you left all of us. You were the girl next door my kids grew up with and you were...you were my little girl's first love." Paula's voice is soft and I burst into tears right then and there. I plaster my hands against my face, not wanting Paula to see my pain.

"I can forgive a sin." Paula says genuinely, her voice strong. "We're all sinners. And Spencer can forgive you for leaving for all those years, honey. I think she already has."

Tears drip down my chin and onto my shirt, and I'm pressing my fingers against my eyes, hard, trying to keep the tears in.

I feel Paula's hands, pulling mine away from my face, and through my blurry vision I see Paula. My surrogate Mom, wiping away my tears. "Don't cry, Ashley. Sweetie. There's no need for that, it doesn't solve anything." Tears now gone, I let my lip shake as Paula holds my face between her hands and I've never felt more like a child. "Forgive yourself, and stop crying."

Paula's saying all the right things and I can feel my eyes brimming with tears again, remembering Spencer walking away from my on the sidewalk.

"When you were gone, Spencer really...hated me. She was mad at a lot of people, but I think you two only blame yourselves. I hate to see you two like this, it's not... It should have been much different." Paula's hands drop from my face but she keeps her stare level with mine, imparting wisdom I can only absorb and pray to remember. "Stop crying over the lost chances, Ashley. It's tough but that's what life is. You just have to match it step for step."

I feel my hands shaking, and I wring them together, desperately hoping to regain control of my jellied knees enough to walk out the front door without breaking down. "Thank you." I whisper, trying to smile at her. I barely succeed.

"I'm sorry, Ashley." Paula says earnestly, and I know what she's apologizing for. An entire lifetime flashes in front of my eyes, my life with Spencer, and Paula, and myself, and then...and then there's Taylor, and there's Florida, and a hotel somewhere, and a girl with a broken heart. Two girls.

My hands finally stop shaking, but I can't be certain for how long.

"Don't be. Please, don't be." I tell Paula, the only thing I can tell her. Then I give her a hug that drains the strength from my arms.

Then I leave, because my entire body is pulling me out the door.