Author's Note: Thanks for all the encouragement.
Together?
Tilly is in her favourite place, cocooned in Jen's arms on a beach gazing out at a beautiful Thai sunset. They are on the last leg of their trip and have chosen to spend the remaining couple of days relaxing in a beach hut in Phuket. They have chosen one of the quieter beach resorts with pure white sands and azure water. They are surrounded by palm trees laden with coconuts clumped under the wide, feathered leaves.
"It's so lovely here... I don't think I really want to go home!" Declares Tilly stroking Jen's arm gently as she speaks.
"Hmm, I know." Agrees Jen.
Tilly reflects on the last couple of weeks.
They had begun their journey in Bangkok where they had explored the colourful markets by day, in particularly seeking out the booths and small galleries owned by local artists. By night they would head out and experience the local nightlife delighting in the street bars and exotic food markets. Both girls share a joint love of adventure, both totally willing to try new things, spurring each other on.
After Bangkok, they had joined up with a small group and a local guide to visit remote mountain tribes in Chiang Mai. The trekking had been quite challenging, taking them through rain forests and up into the rural mountain villages, opening their eyes to a very different culture to their own. Both of them had enjoyed the physical challenge and discovered a shared love of camping and the outdoors. They'd also appreciated, for the first time in their relationship, being introduced to a group of people as a couple. Their fellow trekkers had accepted them together, and with no idea of the circumstances under which they had met, had not judged their relationship over and above how they behaved together and in the group. They appeared to the group as very much the young couple in the fresh throes of love.
After Tilly and Jen had said goodbye to their new friends, they had travelled down to Krabi, taking various trips around the islands and temples, until finally landing in Phuket, determined to take some downtime and soak up the sunshine and each other.
Some new couples struggle on their first holiday together... a relationship can sometimes be tested the first time that two people spend an extended period of time almost exclusively in one another's company. But for Tilly and Jen, their joint appreciation for art and culture and beauty and, more importantly, each other, is more than enough to satisfy each of them. Tilly had loved waking up with Jen each day, a luxury hardly afforded to them over the past few months, mainly due to the pressure of Tilly's exams. In these last few days when they had eased off the sightseeing, they had been indulging in long lie-ins, spending hours luxuriating in sensual explorations of each other. Passionately cementing their intimacy together.
"Where have you gone off to?" Asks Jen, gently pulling Tilly back to the present.
"Just thinking about the trip... did I mention I've had the best time ever?" asks Tilly, earnestly.
"Urm, just a few times!" chuckles Jen. "But I don't mind...and... I've loved it too." she adds, running her finger down Tilly's nose affectionately. "Can't believe I've got to go back to work next week..."
"About that..." says Tilly. She pulls herself forward, extricating herself from Jen's firm hold and spins herself around on her haunches to face her. "I was thinking..." said Tilly, hesitantly. Jen raises an eyebrow expectantly. "I was thinking that I'll need to get a job when I get back and I was wondering... well I could work in Manchester just as well as I could in Hollyoaks... well probably there are more jobs in Manchester and then.. you know I could stay with you...you know...like move in." Tilly looks probingly at Jen.
Jen doesn't answer right away. She considers carefully. At last she takes a deep breath. "Tilly... I don't think that's such a good idea... it's pretty full on, don't you think?"
Tilly is taken aback, horrified to feel the sting of tears at the back of her eyes. She wonders if all the feelings she is experiencing with Jen are entirely one-sided. Is she, Tilly, head over heels in love whilst Jen is just going through the motions? "I just thought..." but Tilly can't continue... the tears come and she decides she doesn't want Jen to see them. She stands up quickly mumbling that she needs to go for a walk. As she does so, it is as if the weather decides to reflect her mood back to her. Black clouds suddenly swamp the horizon and heavy drops of rain start to cascade down. Jen calls after her but Tilly pretends she doesn't hear, and Jen is left alone to pick up their belongings and take them back to the hut.
An hour and a half goes by. The rain is still pelting down and Jen is looking out of the hut at the downpour with increasing concern. Fronds from the palm trees are being torn off and coconuts are bouncing onto the rain-soaked sand and occasionally and alarmingly onto the roof of the hut.
Jen is cross with herself for handling the situation so badly. She searches her feelings. She would have loved for Tilly to stay with her, move in with her... but her overriding fear is focused on the inevitable day in October when Tilly will head off to Cambridge. Jen is convinced that this will spell the end of their relationship even if they both try to work around it. She doesn't believe in long distance relationships to start with. Added to that, Tilly will be meeting all sorts of new people at Cambridge, experiencing new and wonderful things...and Jen just can't see herself being a part of it. She has enjoyed the trip as much as Tilly has but she is trying to convince herself that it is a holiday romance. She is terrified that if Tilly moves in with her for the summer that she'll get even more attached, making the inevitable split impossible to bear.
At last Tilly makes an appearance and Jen sighs with relief. "Oh, Tilly, you're soaked" she says, worried. She wraps a towel around Tilly's shoulders and sits her down on the bed putting her arms around her. Tilly does not resist.
"I'm sorry." says Tilly meekly. "I feel really stupid now."
"Don't!" replies Jen her face showing her concern. She caresses Tilly's cheek with her thumb, cupping the side of her head with her palm. "Look... I should have been more..." Jen searches for the right words, but fails.
Tilly interrupts. "Is it... is it because of Briony?"
Jen looks puzzled. She hasn't thought about her ex-girlfriend in months.
"You know... because you moved in together so quickly and things didn't work out..." asks Tilly.
"Maybe..." says Jen, all the time knowing that it wasn't the reason at all. "Look... don't get me wrong... I've loved spending time with you these last few weeks and I'm really going to miss being with you every moment when we get back... but moving in together is a really big step..."
"I know... I get it..." says Tilly. She suddenly looks very young and very vulnerable to Jen, whose heart aches for her. She reacts by pulling Tilly into a big hug. Tilly's damp hair rests on her shoulder making a wet mark on her tee-shirt. They stay that way for a while listening as the weather calms outside. Tilly pulls back from the embrace and looks Jen in the eye. "I've never loved anyone like this before..." she says, as if by way of explanation. Jen is moved by the declaration and finds that she can only nod in understanding.
Back home from her trip... Tilly is not yet fully unpacked which is unusual for her. She finds herself at a loss, missing being with Jen 24 hours a day. She looks at the remaining pile of clothes and books and small gifts that she has brought home for her friends and family and sighs. There is a knock on her door and Maddie is shown in by Lynda who offers to make them a cup of tea before leaving them to it. Tilly smiles, pleased to see her friend.
Maddie admires Tilly's tan and is appropriately impressed by Tilly's new Thai apparel and very appreciative of the various knickknacks that Tilly has bought for her, including a pretty bracelet. But, Maddie is perceptive enough to notice that her friend is not quite as happy as she ought to be after returning from the holiday of a lifetime with her girlfriend. "What's wrong Tills?" She asks.
Tilly looks up surprised. Is it so obvious that something is wrong? She wonders to herself. She pauses, considering how much to share. "It's just... well.. you know when we first met... Jen and I..." She pauses.
"Yes..." says Maddie, encouragingly.
"Well it was like we both knew we had this amazing connection and we'd accept it for a bit... and then she'd get scared and pull away from me..." says Tilly, haltingly.
"Go on..." urges Maddie.
"Well... we were getting on brilliantly for the whole of the trip... like it was perfect... and then right at the end... I suggested that I could get a summer job in Manchester... and maybe move into her place... "
"Crikey Tills, you're in deep aren't you..." comments Maddie.
"Urm, yeah..." Agrees Tilly, in confusion now. "Anyway, ever since that happened... she's been ... like.. she's blowing hot and cold again...you know?"
"Hmm..." Considers Maddie. "Kind of makes sense to me." She says knowingly.
"What, why?" asks Tilly.
"It's the same for us lot...you know... your friends...remember us?" says Maddie laughing.
"Heh?" says Tilly, really puzzled now.
"We were only discussing it this morning... how you're going to swan off to Cambridge and meet loads of amazing people and leave us all behind without so much as looking back!"
"But.. I..." says Tilly pondering this revelation.
"Oh, you may not mean to ditch us all so completely..." says Maddie giggling. "But let's face it... Cambridge isn't exactly a short bus ride away is it.. plus you'll be studying all the time and like I said.. there'll be new people there... like-minded people.. in the same situation as you. Your old friends will probably seem worlds away. How can Jen or us.. how can we compete with that?"
Tilly frowns. Could that really be the problem. She can't quite believe it. Jen always seems so self confident.
Jen parks her car, locks it and makes her way tiredly into her flat. The day at work felt far too long, the jet lag hitting her worst in the afternoon and evening. As she mounts the communal staircase to her flat, she is surprised to find Tilly sat cross-legged, leaning her back against the front door to her flat.
"Tilly?" she says, surprised.
"Your neighbour let me in... I wanted to talk to you..." says Tilly, feeling suddenly nervous.
Jen nods and holds out her hand to pull Tilly up. They kiss, slightly awkwardly. Jen opens the door.
"You look whacked." says Tilly to Jen who drops onto the sofa. "Shall I make you some tea?" Tilly offers.
"That would be great." smiles Jen, weakly. Tilly makes the tea and brings back two mugs to the sofa.
Jen takes the cup gratefully. "So?" she asks, cautiously.
"So..." starts Tilly, hesitantly. "Ever since... you know.. I said what I said in Thailand... about moving in here ...you've not been the same... and I don't get it...unless... well... unless maybe... Is it because I'm going to Cambridge in October?" She finally blurts it out and the question is left hanging in the air for some time.
Jen looks down at the mug in her lap. She is ashamed of her feelings or at least of not being totally honest with Tilly.
"I suppose... yes..." Jen admits. "I can't see how we can be together once you go to Cambridge and ... I suppose I've probably been a bit withdrawn because I'm terrified of how I'll feel about that..."
"I don't believe you Jen" says Tilly, interrupting angrily. "You make out you're so easy going and laid back and yet your afraid to let yourself feel anything for anyone!" She cries.
It's Jen's turn to be taken aback. "Tilly! That's not fair!" says Jen, upset.
"Oh really?" demands Tilly. "And yet, here we are again... it's always about you.. your job at stake, your feelings at risk... you making the decisions for both of us...pushing me away... AGAIN!"
Jen is silent. Unprepared for the onslaught. Her brain fuddled by the jet lag.
"I don't mean to..." she says. "But the thing is... it's not just about Cambridge any more." She pulls a letter out of her bag. "I've been offered a job in New York with an affiliated art school. It's the opportunity of a lifetime..." she says, but there is no pleasure in her voice, just sadness.
Tilly is stunned. Her eyes fill with tears and she lets out an exasperated breath. "New York?" She shakes her head, not able to take it in. "When were you going to tell me?"
Jen is also crying now. "I only just found out today...Tilly, please..." Jen puts her hand on Tilly's arm but Tilly brushes it off and stands up. She is devastated and angry all at once. "I don't believe this!" she yells as she charges out of the flat. Jen stands up as if to follow but then shakes her head in defeat and collapses back on the sofa in tears.