I will say these things in advance: I have absolutely no rights at NGE, but you should have already known that.
The story itself is basically a re-telling of the original storyline, but twisted into my way. While at the beginning there seem to be only few divigances, it will become more with each episode. The people, their motivations and the backgrounds are while holding true to the basic layout, changed at my imagination in many details, so canon-purists now are allowed to flame me.
NOTE: I hate both, the ending of the TV series, and how End of Evangelion turned out. So don't expect any of those outcomes.
This will be Shinji/Rei.
For all the work I put into this, I would like to get reviews. I will always try to respond to every review I get.
Note that this is the REVIVAL-Edition. Compared to the original from 2010, significant changes have been made, though the basic story is still the same. More about that at the end of the chapter.
Chapter 24: Learning to cope
"To say that we are seriously disappointed with you, Commander Ikari, would be a gross understatement! In the span of less than five minutes you destroyed any goodwill NERV might hold with the government!"
"Oh yes! You used a critically unstable auto-pilot system, despite knowing it was far from ready for active duty. You willingly accepted the death of our pilot and even expressed her life as irrelevant. Trident is heavily damaged and the repairs will take weeks. To top it off, you threatened an officer we had on loan from the United Kingdom."
"Consider yourself lucky you got several people at the United Nations using their influence, otherwise we would have already locked you up in a cell or handed you over to the British. Do you have anything, other than your recounting of the events, to say in your defense?"
Gendo, while not being intimidated, now knew that he'd misjudged the situation. He'd thought that he could handle the army as always, but the members of the general staff made it clear they were not interested in his excuses. The army was really angry over the massive damage done to Trident, and of course Hanson had reported every detail of the fiasco, including him being threatened with death. So they had ordered him to Tokyo-2 to explain everything to them in person and better give them a good excuse. It seemed that they didn't like what he had told them.
Good thing he'd planned ahead. SEELE had made it clear they wouldn't cover his ass, so he'd used his connections at the UN to make his escape from the consequences. The Angel possessing Trident was a good enough excuse for the UN and they could never actually prove that he had fully intended for this to happen. While they'd accused him of exactly this, he'd been able to dismiss it as bias.
"I have nothing to add. The situation was clear and demanded fast acting. There is nothing more to it." He knew it was a close thing and more needless provocation would be a terrible error. With things getting into motion and the day coming closer where he would see her again, he didn't want to risk failing because he'd been too cocky.
He had by now convinced himself of the idea that Yui hadn't destroyed the dummy plug out of anger, instead preferring to think that it had to be a malfunction of some other kind in the Evangelion. To him, Yui disagreeing with his actions was virtually impossible, otherwise it would destroy the very basis of him going on with life, as thin as it was.
His illusion that Yui would be very grateful to him had to stay intact for the sake of his own sanity.
Meanwhile, the general staff was dissatisfied with Gendo's answers, but seemed to have realized that they wouldn't get anymore answers from this side. "You are dismissed, Ikari. Pray that you won't have to appear before us again."
Not dealing with these windbags at all is the preferable option, Gendo thought while leaving, trying to keep his arrogance at bay.
The general staff watched Gendo leave. Once they were sure that he was out of the building, a wooden door opened and Kaji walked out. "What do you think of all this, Mr. Kaji?" one of the generals asked.
Kaji, who had listened to the whole exchange, shrugged. These members of the general staff were some of the few who knew of his true assignment, therefore he had to report to them. He had no illusions that they were good-hearted people, but they still were leagues better than SEELE and their cronies. After all, there were many shades of gray.
"Ikari is as cold as a fish. I was there, he didn't care at all if Trident was reduced to scrap and the pilot killed. He hadn't specifically gunned for it, but it would have been to his advantage. It also is troubling that SEELE seemed to have known something, otherwise they wouldn't have allowed this war game in the first place. So far, my investigations show that Ikari plans something big, although what exactly is still unknown to me. Ikari is capable of anything; this man has no scruples."
"We are still concerned that you brought Major Katsuragi into your investigations. Despite you vouching for her, we are still unsure if your decision has been wise," one general voiced his doubts.
Despite him reassuring them that Misato was no danger and a great asset, the generals had their doubts. After all, Misato being this high in the chain of command at NERV made it appear suspicious. Kaji couldn't fault them for their mistrust; after all they were dealing with a very delicate situation that left no room for error.
"She is fully trustworthy. I hold my hand into the fire for it," Ryoji said confidently. By now he felt that Misato was fully sincere in his desire to help him and wouldn't betray him. All these secrets were disturbing her, too, and she wanted answers. It also felt good that he no longer had to keep things from her.
"If you are wrong, we hold you responsible for the consequences. For now return to Tokyo-3. NERV and SEELE otherwise will become suspicious where you could be," one of the generals ordered, dismissing him.
"Yes, Sir..." Ryoji knew that it would be very bad for his health if news of his activities did reach the wrong ears.
Walking out of the building to his car, he felt like violating the speed limit to return to Tokyo-3 as fast as possible. Misato right now needed someone she could count upon; ever since after what had happened to Shinji she was really distressed. What the Angel had done was one thing, since they were the enemy anyway. But what the Commander had done to Shinji was simply disgusting. Even someone like him, who had developed a certain cynicism on the job, felt repulsed by it.
He knew he should keep his job professional and his personal opinions out of his work, but he couldn't help but to despise that man.
...two days later, class 2-A...
It would have been a normal day in class 2-A, like so many others, if not for the fact that something was clearly wrong.
It pretty much was an open secret that it had to do with the most recent battle. It was downright impossible to censor these news, especially since it involved the army transporting a half-destroyed Trident back to their base. That was something no one could miss, even though NERV and the army were trying to let out as little detail as possible.
Of course everyone knew that Kensuke had watched the whole disaster fist hand, but he was refusing to even talk about it, insisting that he would never say a single word about what he had seen. This was highly unusual and repeated questions only got the answer, that being this close to a combat zone made him seriously rethink that hobby of his.
Everyone in class however knew it had to be serious, the evidence being three empty seats, one from a girl that would never come late, unless being sick. The whole class knew they were pilots - hard to keep that one secret - but some 'gentle' reminders from NERV had made sure the teenagers wouldn't spread the identity of the pilots. Of course, these three missing meant everyone knew something must have happened to them - something quite bad. In hushed whispers they speculated what could have happened to them.
"It's feels empty with these three not being here... Leave it to an Angel and Shinji's old man to royally fuck up their lives," Toji commented, looking to the empty seats of Shinji, Rei and Mana.
He had always thought Shinji was being a bit too bitter about his old man, especially when he had said that his father was just seeing him as a resource. However, after what had happened some days ago, he DID believe him. Only a heart of stone was capable of being this cold. The Commander did manage to make himself really disliked with this stunt, everyone who had been present for this major dick move lost most of their respect for him.
Right now Hikari, Kensuke, Mayumi and himself were talking about their three missing friends. Asuka was sitting beside them, being uncomfortable with actually joining them as she felt she was intruding. Not even Hikari's encouragement could change this feeling, she simply needed more time.
"H-how are they? From what you told me, they must be really bad off," Mayumi asked carefully, being really concerned about her friends. She hadn't seen any of the results of the battle, but what she had been told by Kensuke about the carnage was enough for her to fear the worst. She again felt ashamed that she was forced to report all this.
"Yesterday, I visited Mana in the hospital. Let's put it this way: it could have been way worse. There are no broken bones, but she has to walk on crutches for some weeks. She was really scared during this whole ordeal. She told me she'll need some time before she can enter a cockpit without a panic attack," Hikari told her.
It was a miracle that Mana had come out of this without anything worse. The girl had confessed to her that she'd pissed herself in sheer terror and honestly thought she would die. Something like this was bound to leave scars - the kind no one could see. Still, with loving parents, Mana would recover if given enough time. Not that she would be on active duty with Trident being trashed like this.
Hikari then sighed. "Shinji and Rei... That's a different matter."
Finally, Asuka couldn't keep silent anymore. "Alright, what's wrong with Ayanami? I didn't try to pry, so what's going on with her? After all, she wasn't injured in the battle."
Hikari could only shake her head at so much ignorance, but that was Asuka; socially inept and rough at the edges. After all, the girl had next to no social interactions for years. "Asuka, do you have any idea in which state of mind Shinji currently is?"
Asuka thought about it for a moment. "He's become pretty much depression itself and yet insists that he has to cope with it on his own?"
"Worse, he lets whatever is hurting him eat him up from within. He doesn't want help from his friends, because he doesn't want to burden us with it. To make it worse, him being unable to actually get clean with whatever is depressing him only depresses him even more." Hikari looked into the group. "I also think he has no idea how much he is hurting Rei with it."
"Huh? Last I saw her, she looked pretty much her usual self, despite using most of the day to stay at his side," Toji wondered, scratching his head.
Hikari gave him a smack on the back of his head. "Gods, sometimes you are really oblivious! She TRIES to look normal, but I can see in her eyes that this is hurting her very, very much! To see him like this and having no idea what she could do to help him is starting to wear her down. She really loves him in order to skip everything else just to be there for him, but I fear this will eat up her inner strength."
"She must feel like Sisyphus, unable to help in any way. After what I saw... I wonder who is worse off, Shinji or Rei," Kensuke wondered.
"I guess this is one of these things Shinji warned us about when we started piloting. He said that this is no game. Now I understand what he means. I thought he meant the danger when an Angel attacks, but he meant what the whole thing would do to us in here..." Toji thought aloud, pointing to his head.
"How is Misato taking the whole thing? I mean, she was forced to watch first hand..." Kensuke asked.
Of course he had watched as well; something he wanted to forget as soon as possible. He had almost been squished, had pissed himself in sheer terror and afterward had been interrogated by those gorillas from NERV Section-2 for two long hours before Misato had managed to tell them to let him go. That whole day was nothing to be proud of.
To their surprise, it was Asuka who answered. Before her... 'accident' she wouldn't have even graced Kensuke with any attention apart from threatening him. "She took it really hard... She comes home only late at night and has nightmares. Seeing him like this really gets to her."
"Oh dear, that doesn't sound good at all," Mayumi said.
"Is there anyone who didn't get hurt that day?" Hikari sighed, feeling quite helpless.
Asuka finally had to get it out. "What kind of sick asshole is the Commander to do this? Verdammt, he could have waited for us to get up to subdue that thing, but no, he had to screw it up royally with that stupid auto-pilot! Gott noch mal, what was he thinking?! Was he intentionally trying to be an asshole?!"
No one said anything. Hikari and Toji were glad that their fathers were much better people than Gendo Ikari; the little they had seen and heard of him had been enough to pity Shinji, while Kensuke remembered the horror-stories his father had told him about stone-face Ikari. Mayumi knew that she shouldn't judge a man only from things she had heard from others, but considering recent events she really was tempted to accept it as the truth.
"I think only he himself can tell us why he has done this," Mayumi tried to reason. "We can't know what goes on in other people's heads. Some are nasty simply because they can, others because they think it's alright to do so." The small look of pain that crept into her features was answer enough that she spoke from experience.
Asuka looked away, since she didn't want to think about that right now and didn't want the others to see her blushing a little when being remembered of her own past behavior. The fruit of realization and wisdom came with a price, and she felt uncomfortable when understanding how others felt about her. Being literally forced to do so with no way back brought up emotions of shame and embarrassment over how she had acted.
Even if it hadn't been the actual Devil she'd met, he had still given her the worst punishment possible: becoming much more aware of the people around herself and the effect her actions had on them. The rest of the punishment was purely self-inflicted and sometimes kept her awake at night.
Reiß dich zusammen! Ich werde diesem rauchenden Armani-Affen zeigen, dass ich mich bessern kann! [Pull yourself together! I'm going to show this smoking Armani-monkey that I can become a better person!] she tried to reassure herself. If she only wouldn't feel so lonely right now...
"Hikari, can I ask you something after school? It's because right now with Shinji away and Misato down in the dumps, that apartment feels really depressing," Asuka asked Hikari.
"Sure..." Hikari had an idea what this was about.
Finally, the teacher entered and the roll-call went through the class as always. However, they had no trouble to hear that Hikari barked her commands only halfheartedly. And if Hikari Horaki felt bad enough that she wasn't 100 percent in her duty, then something had to be really wrong.
...later that day...
Rei felt as if something was about to crush her while she walking down the corridor of the hospital wing to the elevators in order to get something to eat, since her stomach protested loudly. The last few days had been especially hard on her.
The hospital hadn't dared to release Shinji, fearing that he could try to harm himself in his serious state of depression, feeling that it was better for him being close to fast help. Shinji himself insisted he would never do so, but experience with patients like him made the doctors use caution, since they feared a sudden mood change with catastrophic results.
As for Shinji's state of mind, Rei found no words to describe it. He wasn't like himself, had retreated inwards and was plagued by what could be described as strong self-doubts. The psychiatrists had made a complicated diagnosis even she hadn't understood - and that meant something - but he had blocked every single of their attempts to get to the root of the problem.
She had decided to stay at his side as long as possible for the day, even skipped school to do so, but it was heart-breaking. Shinji denied even her, his girlfriend, entrance to his heart, telling her that he didn't want to burden her with it; that she would be better off not to constantly worry over him, since that wasn't worth it. She had tried to get closer to him, make him share what was burdening him, but she had little experience with matters of an injured heart, and had thus failed miserably.
She would stay at his side, but she also felt her heart slowly crumbling. Shinji's condition made her miserable as well. She had experienced sadness before, but this... dark pit of despair that she felt falling into was scaring her to no end. The pain in her heart when seeing her strong Shinji - she didn't notice that she had become so possessive of him - wither away in this soul-pain was like a dagger rammed into her very being.
Shinji... Why do you hurt me? Rei felt in her heart that Shinji didn't want to hurt her; that he simply wasn't aware of it. But it was little consolation.
Arriving at the elevator, she pushed the button for the level with the mess hall. She stood there in silence while the cab was on its way. With all the inner pain hurting her, it was a wonder that she was able to hold back the tears. She had certainly come a long way since Shinji's arrival.
She looked up when someone else entered the elevator, and when she saw who it was, she felt a burning flame of anger flaring up. It was a flame so hot that it actually scared her she could despise someone this much. However, it was no wonder considering who this person was.
It was Commander Ikari.
On the outside she stayed passive, but the longer the silence lasted, the more angry she felt. Part of her was scared that she could feel this angry. Finally, she broke the silence. "Why?" she asked him directly.
Gendo knew exactly what she was talking about, but he actually hadn't expected her asking him - especially in such a direct way. "Because it had to be done. The target had to be destroyed, everything else was irrelevant."
Rei felt herself getting even angrier, the flames of anger turning hot-white, and while she was scared at how brightly this fire burned inside herself, it felt... justified. "And the pilot?" she asked further, her voice devoid of emotion.
"The pilot had his chance and disobeyed, so he alone is responsible for what happened." Gendo had fallen onto the easy solution that the whole incident was simply the result of Shinji disobeying. Moving the guilt to some else was very effective at dissipating any inner doubts he felt.
Suddenly Rei turned around, the pale skin of her face an angry red from all the blood shooting into it, her eyes becoming dangerous slits...
-WHAM-
Gendo needed a few moments to even realize what had happened, as it had happened way too fast. Rei's right fist had made direct and hard contact with his face, and thanks to her enhanced strength it REALLY hurt a lot, while his glasses were cleanly knocked off his face, cluttering to the floor. He had been in enough fistfights to know he just got sucker-punched.
Rei hadn't cared that this was the Commander, her superior, or that this could have dire consequences. For her this right now just was the man who had hurt the boy she loved in the worst possible way, not feeling any regret for his actions. She simply had to vent her anger and the final comment had been too much for her. She... she gave a fuck on the consequences right now, maybe she would regret it later, but it felt way too good that she had finally gotten this out of her system, emotion ruling over her logical mind.
"You have hurt Shinji in the worst way possible. I will follow your orders, but nothing more than that. I do not feel any personal loyalty to you any longer... Commander," she told him in a low voice, while tears of anger glistered in her eyes. Seconds later the doors opened and she left before she would do anything worse.
Gendo looked after her, feeling the left side of his face hurting badly. She was aiming to make this as painful as possible, he realized when remembering his brawler days.
Picking up his glasses after the doors had closed, he had to admit that he had gravely misjudged the pace of Rei's development. On the outside and inside she had changed so much by now that she essentially had nothing any longer in common with the empty shell named Rei Ayanami he had ordered to be created for the scenario. His son had gained so much influence over her that he had managed... to actually transform her into a real person.
What he was trying to forget, was, that she had looked exactly like Yui whenever she got especially angry at someone.
He didn't like this in the slightest. Rei by now was not only openly rebellious; she also was no longer accepting his authority. She had become problematic enough that he even considered replacing her; thus accepting the loss of one pilot, even two, now that they had three more pilots. By now he felt the gain was bigger than the loss.
However, actively disposing of her was out of question - it would create far too much attention. No, he would wait until an Angel would injure her quite badly, which could be arranged by sending her out against all odds on a suicide trip, and then order Dr. Akagi to let her die of her injuries if needed. Once Rei would go to her next body, she would forget all these rebellious ideas.
The second Rei was becoming too much of a liability, so when the chance would arise, the third Rei - who would be as dumb as a bread - would be activated.
o
The inner circle of SEELE had gathered to talk about the recent battle against Bardiel. The five of them actually did not look too concerned with how things had played out, quite in the contrary. The lack of surprise made it quite obvious that they had expected something like this from the start.
"It is reassuring to see that Ikari's dummy plug project resulted in a total failure. His system proved gravely unstable and next to useless in battle," SEELE-05 commented.
"Indeed. That means one worry less for us. Ikari still has to rely on pilots to do the deed - pilots, who according to our mole now hold no loyalty to him," SEELE-03 added while looking through his papers.
SEELE-02 looked a bit thoughtful. "Do you think Ikari is suspecting that we withheld this part of the scrolls from him? The coming of Bardiel was well-described."
SEELE-04 snorted. "Of course he does. After all, it was us who allowed this war game to take place. Ikari using this battle in order to discipline his unruly son was what surprised me. Although I wonder what he is playing at by making his best pilot useless."
Keel held up his hand. "In the end everything that happened is to our advantage. The army's unit got next to destroyed, Bardiel was defeated and Ikari learned that he is not as almighty as he thinks himself to be. Him suspecting our involvement does not matter, as he can not act on it."
"Ikari got no idea what our true plan is. He knows our goal, but not the means we have at our disposal," SEELE-02 reminded Keel.
"Yes. Ikari is continuing to do the dirty work for us and is clearly planning to set his own scenario into motion once the Angels are defeated - regardless how he is planning to do so. He will be in for a surprise, that's for sure." Keel looked around. "Ikari thinks the loss of Adam and him holding the lance is giving him the advantage over us. He simply does not know we already got all we need for our own scenario."
...at the evening...
Gods, I really don't want to go through a day like this ever again... Misato groaned silently while sitting at the kitchen table, almost literally burning holes into her brain while thinking about way how to stop things from becoming even worse, since today had been especially bad.
Shinji clearly was unable to cope with whatever was weighting on him, but he had blocked any attempt from them to get him talk about it or sharing his pain with them. He felt he had to solve the problem on his own. Misato could only shake her head. Shinji obviously didn't want to unload his problems on them, but instead he only made it worse for all of them.
Today had been the worst sign of it. She had seen Rei with tears in her eyes. Rei of all people! Tears meant that she had to be really emotionally distressed, sad and desperate - and it took much of that to get this reaction from the girl with a superb emotional control. She knew Shinji would never intentionally hurt Rei, but right now he was pulling her down together with himself into the pit of depression.
That's one of these days where I wish I could still drink myself silly...
Right now she and Pen-Pen were the only ones in the apartment. Asuka had declared that the depressing atmosphere was really getting to her, so she had crashed at Hikari's for a few days. Misato couldn't fault Asuka for doing so. With Shinji missing and her being stressed out like this, it was no wonder the girl needed to get away for a while.
They somehow had to get Shinji to open up, but she had no clue how to do that. He would have to do so on his own, as they couldn't force him to do so. And while they knew his general background, he had always shied away from telling them any details about his past. She had thought that maybe Shinji simply was a very private person, but now she became more convinced that he had simply tried to bury several things of his past so that he could go on.
Not that she could fault him for it, she had done the same thing, but there always was the danger that with bad luck this could return to haunt you some day. It had happened to him, and Misato knew that it could also happen to her. To understand what was troubling him, they would need to understand his past...
Trying to find a solution, Misato remembered exactly who could actually help them. If someone could help Shinji, it was him, the man who had been much more a father to him than his real father had ever been.
His uncle Kaldor Ikari.
o
Sitting at his desk, Kaldor Ikari was trying to concentrate on his work, which did not come easy. He couldn't help but to feel that something was wrong. He of course had heard the news from Tokyo-3 - considering the city got attacked by huge monsters, such things of course became national news - and for a specific reason he felt there was something amiss. It was the fear that something must have happened during this battle impacting his nephew.
Normally, Shinji always called him after he again had been in a life-or-death situation, even if only to make sure that he wouldn't get sick with worry. After all, his nephew going to war against these monsters opened up the way to plenty of nightmare fuel. However, the battle had already been some days ago and still no call from Shinji, causing Kaldor to get nervous.
He never needed this long...
-riiiiing- The telephone pulled him out of his thoughts. Looking away from the computer screen, he answered the phone, hoping this would finally be the call he had been waiting for. "Hello? Kaldor Ikari here."
Listening to the voice at the other side, he looked surprised. "I honestly didn't expect you to call me. Shinji of course told me of you, but it's only him who calls. ... What do you mean he couldn't call himself?"
Kaldor listened to the phone and the longer the explanation went, the more concerned and enraged he became. "This damn monster... How could he do this!?" Listening further, Kaldor paled. "Oh no... No, you did the right thing to call me. I have a good idea what's wrong. He needs me now and I'll be there next day. ... No, I don't have a car, the first train runs at the morning."
After some pleasantries and a description of what she looked like, he ended the call and leaned back in his seat, feeling way older than he was. Gods, Shinji... How could this bastard do this to you? I feel like I failed you, Yui.
Getting up, Kaldor walked to the wall with the pictures of Shinji growing up. It was pretty clear to see on them how Shinji never looked happy until past his ninth birthday - the time when he finally managed to help the boy to overcome his horrible burden. And yet it looked like Gendo managed to re-open this particular wound in an act of petty cruelty.
"You are damn lucky my sister is already dead, Gendo Ikari. Otherwise she would have killed you for this..."
...the next day...
Damn it, why does the train have to run late today of all days? Misato cursed while waiting at the train station for the first morning train from Tokyo-2 to arrive.
Shinji's uncle had sounded very concerned when she had told him the situation over the phone. Only the lack of a car and the fact that the first train would run at the morning had stopped him from arriving earlier. She had never met him, hadn't even talked to him until the phone call the previous day, so she was curious what kind of man he was.
Well, he wouldn't have much difficulties to find her. She was the only person waiting near the train station right now and she had said she would wait there for him. Ritsuko had told her that she was neglecting her work over this, only to be told 'what work?', since right now she didn't have much to do.
Ritsu can be really insensitive at time, Misato thought, although that was nothing new.
Finally, the arrival of the train was announced.
Some minutes later the train had arrived and she was now waiting for the man to appear. There weren't many passengers, as Tokyo-3 had become somewhat of a no-go for anyone who didn't really need to come into the city - not that anyone could blame them. It wouldn't be too difficult for him to find her, going after the description she had given him.
"Major Katsuragi?"
Misato looked to the source of the voice, and stopped when she saw the man. Or better, when she had to look up to see his face. With her 1.63 meters height her face was only on level with his chest. That man was, compared to the normal Japanese men, a giant with a height of at least two meters. He seemed to be in his late thirties but she guessed that many women would find him to be a good catch. To top it off, he didn't fulfill the cliche of the man in a business suit, instead dressing in jeans and shirt, a traveling bag hanging from his shoulder.
Finally, she noticed how rude it was to stare at him. "Sorry... Yes, it's me."
Kaldor waved it off. "No, most are at first awed by my height. After all, my parents told me I grew like a weed." He then sobered. "I... I have come as fast as I could after what you told me. I feared that something like this could happen for some time now. I should have been more insistent in that matter."
Misato felt that despite having such a huge frame, Kaldor Ikari was a very peaceful and compassionate person. "We can talk on the way. I only hope you can help him."
On the way Misato filled him in on everything, since she hadn't had the time to tell him everything on the phone yesterday. She had no trouble to see his mood getting very sour when telling him exactly why Shinji had retreated into himself. When she was done, Kaldor had to visibly restrain himself. "This pig Gendo... Hasn't he hurt him enough already? Can't this man ever get enough of needless cruelty?"
"You don't seem to have a high opinion of his father," Misato remarked.
"The only thing he will get from me is my fist into his ugly face. Should have done so years ago," Kaldor growled before getting himself back under control. "Sorry... Shinji is like my own son for me. I was very close to my sister Yui, his mother, and I see it as my duty to her to give Shinji the best life possible."
Misato shook her head. "He had always been kind of vague about his past problems. We only know the general story, but he never wanted to go into detail how exactly he had fared."
Kaldor sighed. "It's what I feared. See, Shinji hates his father with a passion, but at the same time he is, in a way, afraid of him. I did manage to make him lose most of this fear, encouraging him to show his old man that he wouldn't stand in his shadow. I helped him to understand that he is someone, that he is not to be measured at what others think of him; that no one controls him."
"Sounds like he was a mental wreck," Misato remarked.
"That's putting it mildly. He was a child troubled by immense self-doubts, feeling worthless, unloved, always in fear of being at the whims of his father. That last issue was the worst, and now his bastard father has re-opened this wound." Kaldor shook his head. "It had cost me years to make Shinji the confident young man you've seen."
Kaldor telling her all this finally showed her how messed up Shinji's early years had really been. No wonder he had never wanted to speak about it in any detail."I'm starting to understand why he had went into shock..."
Kaldor clearly was too aware of this fact. "Being treated this coldly at such a young age leaves scars on the soul that heal very slowly."
Misato thought about it for a while. "It was mentioned several times, but what exactly did happen that he finally got better?"
"Let me tell you of when things really started to change for the better. It was this fateful day..."
-flashback-
Kaldor was worried about his nephew.
Today had been Shinji's ninth birthday, but the son of his sister seemed to have gone into a really bad depression since returning from his visit to Yui's grave. Kaldor knew that Shinji was a very fragile child, first the loss of his mother and then his father leaving him so coldheartedly had really hurt the young boy.
He of course had tried to help Shinji, make him feel better and encourage him, but up to now the young boy had been very reclusive, letting no one into the depths of his feelings. It had been very disheartening to see him going through life with his head always down. Kaldor knew he would probably never forgive Gendo for hurting Shinji like this.
Finally, his concern became too great and he walked up the stairs to Shinji's room. He had no chance to knock on the door when hearing something from within. It was crying. Shinji was crying. Pulling the door open, he was confronted with the heart-breaking sight of Shinji sitting on his bed, crying, looking as if the whole world had turned against him.
"Shinji...?" Concerned, Kaldor rushed to his side, but stopped when Yui's son looked to him. His eyes had become red from crying, but even stronger was the look of being lost that he gave him. "What happened?"
Shinji at first said nothing, but then he finally said between the sobs, "Was at... Mom's grave. Father had been there... Ignored me... It was so cold..."
For a second Kaldor was tempted to find Gendo in order to give him a piece of his mind, preferably with his fist. Hadn't the child already suffered enough under his emotional cruelty? However, that was quickly shoved aside while he tried to console Shinji in order to calm him down.
Shinji was far from done. It seemed that this day had been the breaking point and he started pour out his heart to his uncle. It hurt so much inside himself now, he told him. All his fears, him feeling so little, so useless. His uncle had known some of it, but some things he had never told him... until now.
Kaldor cursed. All these years he had tried to give Shinji a good and normal life, but the boy had always been insecure, angstly and withdrawn. Listening to him right now, he finally had found the root of all his problems: Gendo's actions had caused Shinji to believe that it was him who had made his father leave, wondering what he had done wrong that this happened. Shinji was afraid of his father, yet wanted to be acknowledged by him. He was too young to really understand all this.
Not any longer... I will not let Gendo ruin his son completely by letting him destroy himself in self-doubts, Kaldor decided right at that moment while holding Shinji, who finally had calmed down.
He would tell him what had really happened, that there was nothing to be afraid of, nothing to blame himself for, and he would tell him of the true character of his father. Of course he would have to be careful, use words a nine-year old would understand.
He wouldn't let him down. And hopefully he would be able to slowly remove all these emotional after-effects, finally giving Shinji the peace he deserved. Also, he kicked himself for not arranging some professional help in this complete disaster. No, not anymore. Right today he would look to find Shinji professional help.
He would do everything possible to help his nephew, regardless the cost. Yui would have wanted it to be this way.
-back in the present-
"...I underestimated how deep these wounds are. When I later tried to reach him, he said that he wanted to forget all of it, wanted to go on and live his life. I should have been more insistent on him not pushing it aside but really confront the issue. Sure, he had begun a normal life, but I had a bad feeling," Kaldor said with regret.
"I don't blame you. Reaching a teenage boy can be damn difficult. I now understand better what happened to him. Hopefully, we can now help him." While she said this, Misato forced herself to concentrate on the road. It had been a really sad story.
Kaldor said nothing, but it was clear that he nonetheless blamed himself, feeling that he had partially failed in raising Shinji. Finally, he shook himself out of it. "I think he knows that his fears have no real basis, but emotional things hardly listen to logic..."
"I hope he will understand that we are here for him..."
...hospital wing, a little later...
Getting a visitor's pass for someone was quite easy when you were the head of security, so there were no problems for Misato to walk with Kaldor down the hospital corridor to the room where Shinji was. She knew that Rei was there as well, and that was a good thing. Her presence would help greatly in the hard task they had ahead of themselves.
Rei was indeed present; but instead of being inside she was sitting in a chair outside of Shinji's room and looked miserable. She'd obviously just again experienced another rejection in her attempts at getting Shinji to share his pain with her. And for Rei, who had a tremendous emotional control and wasn't really that knowledgeable concerning emotions, the look of defeat was crushing.
Rei was trying to ignore the feeling that she had experienced a personal defeat. That was a new feeling she could have done without. Looking up when she heard someone approaching, she saw Misato and this... this huge man approach her. She wondered who he was while getting up, deciding to wait for Misato to introduce him to her.
"Rei, this is Kaldor Ikari, Shinji's uncle," Misato told Rei once they had reached her.
Kaldor's worries were temporarily unimportant while concentrating on Rei. Of course Shinji had told him over the phone about Rei. But to meet her in person was something entirely different. He had to admit, her hair and eye color were unusual, but not in a bad way. But her very pale skin concerned him a bit; it made her look somewhat sickly. He also couldn't help but to notice that Rei looked quite a lot like Yui - perhaps the reason why Shinji found her beautiful.
"You must be the Rei Shinji told me so much about. He had only found good things to tell about you. It's good to finally meet you," he greeted her with a kind voice and was a little amused when seeing a slight red tint on Rei's face.
But then Rei's expression returned to sadness. "Shinji does worry me. Why is he rejecting me? I do want to help him."
Kaldor had no trouble seeing that only her great emotional control stopped the girl from bursting into tears. It seemed that he had arrived at the last second. "He isn't intentionally hurting you. He's confused, knows that his fears are irrational, yet he is unable to come to terms with that. He wants to protect you from it and doesn't notice that he's hurting you. He still loves you very much," he tried to calm her down and reassure her.
It did have the desired effect that she seemed to regain some of her control, so he continued, "He needs our help... Only that we have to force him to accept it. He is really brave, but bravery can become foolishness when there is a battle where you need friends. But now come, I need a real word with the boy who practically is my son. -Sigh- And I wish we could spare him this, but we actually have to be cruel before we can comfort him."
Misato didn't like it, but the gentle approach had failed up to now. "Good... but don't expect me to like it. I really wish we wouldn't need to do this."
Kaldor gave her a sad look. "Trust me, I know that better than anyone else."
Entering the room, Kaldor almost gasped. Sitting impassive in the bed, Shinji looked horrible! It was clear that he hadn't slept well or much in the previous days, and combined with his emotional troubles, this had really eaten at his substance. Looking up to who had entered the room, his eyes widened in surprise.
"Uncle Kal?" Shinji hadn't expected to see him of all people coming here.
"You didn't think I would leave you alone in a hour like this, did you?" he asked, looking slightly hurt. "Unlike your useless father, I take my responsibility serious."
Shinji actually looked sad at this reminder. "The long way... Only for me to disappoint you."
"Well, that remains to be seen."
Shinji sighed. "You don't understand. I nearly killed one of my friends..."
Misato knew that it was harsh, but as Kaldor had said, they would need to get things into his thick head. And after the gentle approach had failed, more direct words were needed. "Stop it, Shinji! Stop giving yourself the blame! I was present for it, and there had been nothing you could have done! Your father is the only one responsible! Stop beating yourself up for what he has done!" she snapped, making him shut up.
"Misato...?" Shinji was shocked that she had become so harsh.
"Sorry that I will sound cruel, but there is no other way for you to finally get it. You. Are. Not. Responsible! And Mana is already on the way to recovery and doesn't blame you. Finally get it into your damn skull that it wasn't you who hurt her!" Misato continued to lecture him. She hated to do this to someone who had gone through so much, but it was the only option left.
Shinji was a little intimidated. Misato had never spoken to him like this outside of duty ever before. But what she had said, he basically already knew. He knew it was irrational to blame himself, yet he did so. But to have someone spell it out plainly helped to finally let it sink in.
But they weren't done, because now Kaldor spoke. "Shinji, why do you shut out everyone? Don't you see how much you hurt them? Poor Rei here feels rejected by you. Do you want to make her leave you?" He knew that was unfair, but only drastic words would make Shinji listen.
Shinji seemed to become paler when looking to Rei. The idea of her leaving him over this was horrible. And only now, with no longer only being completely busy with his own problems, did he see how worn down Rei looked. "Rei...? I... I... I didn't want to hurt you... Please don't leave me.."
Rei didn't know much about such situations, but enough to feel that right now Shinji needed her after finally seeing what he had done to her. Walking to the bed, she gave him a hug. "I will not leave you, Shinji. I love you too much..."
Misato and Kaldor finally saw that the wall that Shinji had erected around himself to keep every else out was torn down. Now they could finally get to the root of what depressed him so much. "Son... Please tell me, what is wrong with you? What weights on you?" he asked him gently, feeling that now was the time to comfort him.
Still holding on Rei, Shinji tried to say it, but at first nothing came out. Thankfully, they were patient with him, and finally... "I... I... wanted to be so strong... Wanted to be my own man, let no one get hold on me... especially not my old man..." It obviously was hard for him to talk about it. "He... had total control over my fate... I never wanted it to be... like this again."
Shinji's eyes started to water, his emotions overwhelming him. "And when he did that... It was horrible. I was doomed to see my friend being about to die... I again was his puppet... At his whims... I felt so useless!" Finally Shinji started to cry, leaning on Rei for support. The pale girl, who hadn't said much yet, did the only right thing: she held Shinji. Actions did more than words.
Walking directly beside the bed, Misato and Kaldor felt that now was the time for the gentle words.
"Shhhhhhh... Let it all out. We are now here for you," Kaldor calmly said while holding Shinji's shoulder. It was really hard for him to see Shinji like this, result of him not fully getting over a trauma. He wanted him to return being the strong teenager he normally was.
"You have many friends whom you can trust. We want to help you," Misato added. She felt as if taking the role of a parent, something that disturbed her greatly, as she really didn't want to be one... at least not for the time being. She also doubted that she was mother-material.
After holding in all of the grief that had depressed him so much, the words now literally started to pour out of Shinji. He did know that what he felt mostly was in his head and had nothing to do with reality, but it had rooted so deeply that it simply overpowered his reason. In all the panic at what happened to Mana, and his father's harsh words, it had crashed down on him. He told them how scared he was that something like this could happen anytime again. He confessed that he grew more and more ashamed at how he had treated them. And strewn in were many times reassurances that he really did like all of them, Rei especially.
They did the best to calm him down, as they barely understood half of what he said in the emotional storm he went through, but in the end the exhaustion of all the time either without sleep or troubled one caught up with him. He was really tired.
Watching him slowly drift into sleep, Misato and Kaldor turned to leave for now. But when Rei tried to get up, the now asleep Shinji's arm held tight on where they were put around her mid-section. Rei looked to the adults with a small plea for help.
Misato, despite the still serious situation, barely hid a smile, while Kaldor showed it openly. "It seems he likes you so much that he doesn't want to let go of you. It probably helps him to sleep with you being near. Eh, should we help you?"
"Yes, sitting there for hours could become... uncomfortable after a certain time," Misato added. After her being confined in an elevator for many hours, she knew exactly that being forced to stay at one place for a longer time could bring you in quite a situation.
Rei thought about it. It would mean to wake up Shinji and he really needed his sleep right now. "I will stay. He does need me."
Nodding silently, the two adults left. After closing the door, Kaldor looked to Misato. "These two really love each other. Such loyalty - it reminds me of my late wife..."
Misato had no trouble to see that he still hadn't fully come to terms with that, so she changed the topic. "Will he be all right? I'm no expert in things like that, but I really want him to be OK."
"Only time will tell... We've smashed his shell, forced him to finally see that we only want his best. But the rest is up to him. We should return later, to make more sense of what he had said. I've screwed up one time, I won't do so again. Until he's well again, and also feels that way, I will stay. Eh, can you tell me where I can find a cheap room to stay for the time being?"
"As long as you don't mind monstrous concrete-slab apartment buildings. There are more than enough of these around, so it should be no problem," Misato said while they both walked down the corridor.
o
I really wonder how much longer I can hold it in... Rei wondered, now starting to regret her decision.
It had been hours since Shinji had fallen asleep while holding onto her. She hadn't dared to try and get his arms off herself, since she didn't want to wake him up. He needed his sleep, so she was forced to sit beside him on the bed. But Rei had realized that there was a big drawback with being confined to one place.
She needed to use the bathroom. No, she REALLY needed to use the bathroom above everything else! It was bad enough when her bladder had started protesting, but then her bowels had chimed in as well, also calling for attention. Rei actually was slightly amazed how such an emergency could cause her to think her fondest wish looked like a toilet. Sadly, just thinking about said toilet only made the pain worse.
At the moment she was still able to hold it in on both sides, but she had no idea for how much longer until she would embarrass herself.
Right then Shinji finally seemed to wake up.
Shinji felt somewhat better after these hours of sleep, although he still felt horrible, even after his uncle, Misato and Rei had managed to get some sense into his head. Stuff like this didn't vanish overnight, that would take much longer. But he still felt better... reassured that there were people out there who cared for him. Rousing out of sleep, he noticed he was holding on someone. Looking up, he saw Rei.
"Rei, you where here the entire time?"
"S-shinji... Please let go-o... I need to..." she whimpered and her whole body was shaking, as if she was under a great strain. Shinji needed a second before understanding, letting go of her. Rei didn't waste a second and dashed to the bathroom, slamming the door shut behind herself.
Several minutes went by, before Shinji heard the flushing of a toilet and Rei returned, looking much calmer and downright relaxed now.
"I'm sorry, Rei. I..." Shinji wanted to excuse himself holding on her and thus causing her discomfort, but was silenced by her hand over his mouth.
"No excuses needed," she told him, before replacing her hand with her mouth. It lasted for some long seconds, before she released him. He could see that there were tears in her eyes. "I... missed you, Shinji. You were there... and yet away."
And then she hugged him, literally pulling him out of the bed. Shinji again was reminded that Rei, while looking somewhat frail, actually was unusually strong for a girl of her age. "It was... distressing. Do not do this again."
Being held by her, Shinji by now felt horribly ashamed that he had treated her like this. "I promise. I don't want to hurt you..."
...the following day...
Standing at the window in his hospital pajamas, Shinji looked over the geofront, thinking. Yesterday, Misato and his uncle had returned to talk with him some more, now that he had become calmer and thus could give more meaningful answers than when they had poured out of him earlier.
At first he had been hesitant, but then gave in and told them more about how insecure he felt of himself. They had been very understanding of his feelings, trying to console him, telling him that he was strong, only needed to find back on the path from which he had been knocked off. However, this time he should really get clear with his problems with their help, so that they wouldn't slam him down.
Nice advice. But how am I supposed to do that, if I didn't manage to do so in more than five years? Shinji wondered.
It was so easily said, but to actually do it was another problem. He wondered if it would actually work. Did he have to accept his fears as total nonsense? Did he have to get convinced that he is stronger than the fears? He had no idea what way was the right one. This gave him an idea how Asuka had to feel after her own breakdown. The girl was still looking for answers.
So while his depression had lessened and he had again become somewhat reasonable, the frustration was now growing within him. His friends wanted to help him, but he was at a loss what exactly he was supposed to do, despite all the good advice.
Yesterday, the other pilots had visited him as well, although Asuka hadn't said much. No wonder, since she had only had very little real ties to him after what happened in the past. But she was civil enough to wish him to become better, adding that she knew how it felt to be in the darkest depression. One look into her eyes was enough to see that a part of her had been broken forever, although that maybe was for the best.
Right now Rei wasn't present. She had said she needed to take care of some things and would be back later. He already missed her. Her company had done much to hold him up. He was interrupted in his thoughts when the door opened. He saw his uncle, God knew how Misato had managed to get him a permanent pass, standing there.
"Hello, Shinji. You have some visitors." Kaldor said and then stepped aside.
Shinji was shocked for a moment. There stood Mana, walking on crutches. She did look quite banged up, the many bandages almost giving her the appearance of a mummy. Her left leg looked unusually stiff and there was little question her injuries were causing her discomfort. However, as bad as this looked, he had imagined her being way worse than this.
The two adults beside her were puzzling at first. However, he then noticed how much the woman looked like Mana, while the man was wearing an army officer's uniform. There was no doubt these were Mana's parents - whom he hadn't met in person until now, since they always met Mana outside of the base. Shinji was very uncomfortable, wondering if they were angry over their daughter's injuries.
"M-Mana?" Despite being told that Mana didn't hold this against him, he was still unsure of how she would think of him. Also, despite everything he had been told, there still was a little bit of guilt when seeing her like this.
Mana had no trouble to see that he still felt partially guilty for her injuries. His uncle had explained that he suspected this much, and that he would only finally stop beating up himself over this after hearing it from her own mouth.
"Mana... I..." But he stopped when she moved to him on crutches, looking really awkward while doing so.
Mana was no friend of harsh words, so she wanted to tell him this in gentle and well-thought words. "I do not blame you, Shinji. You actually aren't in the slightest responsible for what happened. I will be all right with time, it looks worse than it actually is. Please... please stop beating yourself up over it. I do not want to see you unhappy because you feel guilty over something that you had no control over," she pleaded to him in a calm voice.
Shinji gave Mana a long look before he carefully asked, "Still friends?" Gods, that Mana was not angry at him - and that he now was really sure of it - felt like some weight had fallen off him.
"Friends," she told him with a smile. She didn't want to lose her friend Shinji, and although she would have nightmares of being trapped in the possessed Trident, Shinji was innocent of it. She then winced. "Can I sit on your bed for a few moments?"
"Yes... Eh, does it hurt a lot?" he asked while Mana sat down.
Mana sighed in relief when she could finally use her hands for something else. "Really, it's not that bad. I don't suffer from any broken bones, but it's downright humiliating I have to rely on my mother for so many things I could normally do on my own. Thank goodness I'm already well enough to use the bathroom on my own."
Shinji hadn't thought about how being forced into being this immobile could be hard on a teenage girl. He then looked to Mana's parents. "I know Mana doesn't hold it against me..."
Mr. Kirishima held up his hand. "Young man, you are the very reason we haven't lost our daughter. Although you probably don't know yourself how you did it, your actions saved her from getting killed. We can hardly hold a grudge against you."
Mrs. Kirishima snorted. "If anyone, it's this lousy man who calls himself Commander who deserves our wrath. Honestly, why isn't that man behind bars now?"
"Dear, you know what I told you. It's unfair, but he weaseled himself out of it," Mr. Kirishima told his wife.
"Is this how it is to have parents who care for you?" Shinji asked Mana.
Mana couldn't help but to smile while watching her father help her mother calm down. "Oh, they felt kind of bad they never met you, despite all you've done for everyone. It's actually nice they have an interest in seeing who my friends are."
Kaldor watched the whole scene from the door. One step in the right direction. You are so lucky to have friends this loyal...
...two days later...
Shinji was really glad the hospital staff felt he had recovered enough on the mental side that they would release him. Sure, he still felt as if someone had mopped the floor with him, and he was still listless, but it felt really good to have friends... family, with whom he could speak about what troubled him. He still felt he owed them an apology for how he had treated them, but they had only said that it wasn't his fault that he simply had been overwhelmed by all of it.
However, he still wasn't much closer to an answer to his problems. But maybe there wasn't a universal answer to it? Maybe he had to get the answer through living on? He had no idea. He now knew how Asuka had to feel, and she had managed to move on.
"At least you don't any longer look as if you did swallow ten toads. You really made me worry," his uncle commented while waiting on the other side of the dressing screen for him to finish.
He had said he would stay in the city as long as he had to, in order to make sure that 'his boy' would be all right. Not much of a problem, as he did all his work over his laptop anyway. Rei wasn't present, as she had no excuse to miss another day of school and, judging by the time, was right now busy with cleaning the class room.
"-sigh- Let's say it this way: The worst is over, but I still don't feel so hot..." Shinji really felt better, but it didn't mean that his issues had vanished into thin air. It would still haunt him for quite some time. Thankfully, they had managed to get it into his thick skull that his friends were there for him to help.
Kaldor rolled his eyes. "You are too smart to think that something could zap this away. I know you must feel like pulled through the mud back and forth, but you want to fight."
"Only after you literally forced me to realize that I need your help," Shinji interjected while walking out from behind the screen, done with dressing.
"Ah, rubbish!" Kaldor waved it off. "We only gave you the spark, the rest solely came from yourself! You're the son I've never had... and you make me proud."
Shinji blushed a little. "You like to embarrass me, right?
Now Kaldor laughed. "You know it a parents' job to do so, thus I'm only following tradition." He then became more serious, putting his hand on Shinji's shoulder. "But now come. I see you are still down in the dumps and could use some cheering up. And it's always easier to speak of how you feel, when being in a much nicer environment."
Yep, that was his uncle. Unlike his father he had a good sense for how others felt; one of his best qualities. Shinji really hoped that he would find the right woman again. He didn't want his uncle to live alone forever. He gave him a small smile. "You know that..."
-EEAAAHT- -EEAAAHT- -EEAAAHT-
"What's this?" his uncle wondered when they were interrupted by an alarm siren.
Shinji knew this alert all too well and he had become a little paler when realizing exactly what it meant. "The alert... An Angel."
to be continued...
Next Chapter: Zeruel
Notes
Writing this chapter had been difficult, since there's much psychology in play. This originally resulted in an uneven chapter, due to my at the time lacking writing skills.
I think this chapter is one that comes closer to the flavor of NGE than most others with the depressing stuff. Despite Shinji being much better, I really needed to show that better does not mean everything is fine. Strong traumata don't just vanish. The chapter thus gave me a really good opportunity to also intrioduce Kaldor, who up to now only had been meantioned. He's the only major OC in this story, since I detest the usage of OCs.
For Revival, much work had to be done to make the writing more even. Also, the chapter had been on the short side, so besides the small stuff, some bigger changes have been done. The scene at the general staff is extended, the class room scene is extended, the SEELE-scene is new, Kaldor getting the call is new, Mana's visit is extended.