A Day in the Life

December 18th

As of this moment, I dearly wish for nothing more than to crawl into a hole and die. Cause of death?

Embarrassment.

I made a right, royal arse of myself last night while everyone was huddled together in the big comfy room with the TV, watching stereotypical Christmas movies the networks re-run every year without fail in "the spirit of Christmas" – whatever that is. No one had bothered to get dressed that morning, so everyone was in their PJs, lounging around on the squashy sofas or sitting on the fluffy carpet. Mrs Sarutobi had made another vat of mulled wine and Dan had made Christmas cookies (in reality, they were just normal cookies with added cinnamon and cut with a Christmas tree-shaped cutter, but they were nice). The Wizard of Oz was on, and I was curled up next to the boss on one of the sofas. He had his arm around me and I felt all warm and nice, because Itachi had managed to get the log fire going earlier on (his dogged determination at rubbing two sticks together paid off – he received great cheers from everyone assembled) and also because I had my little, plush Montague jammed under my right armpit.

It was the perfect scene of Christmas tranquillity: mulled wine, comfort food, classic movies on the box and, most of all, no arguing. I felt more relaxed than I have felt in quite a long time, so it was no surprise then, that I felt myself nodding off just as the Scarecrow was being torn apart by rabid, flying monkeys.

An indeterminate amount of time later, I was shaken awake and confronted with the rather alarming vision of Jiraiya's nostrils. Irritated, for some reason I could not yet divine, I swatted his hand away and told him, in no uncertain terms, to bugger off.

"What was that for?" I grumbled, yawning and rubbing my eyes.

It was only when my bleary vision cleared, could I perceive that something was amiss. Jiraiya had moved away to sit next to Kiku again, and I could see that he was grinning a grin not unlike the one that tends to appear on his face when someone says something smutty. Kiku had her hand over her mouth, looking at me, as though she was trying really rather hard not to laugh. Bemused, I took in the expressions of the other occupants of the room. Itachi's stood out, mainly because he was looking at me as though I had offended him irretrievably. Perhaps I had accidentally let one rip in his presence while I was asleep? It's happened before, though that was mostly when we shared a room when we were kids.

"Itachi, what—?" I began, before my brother stood up abruptly, snorted with derision and stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

"What's up with him?" I muttered, scowling as I turned to the boss for an explanation.

If before I only had an inkling of strange goings-on, it was then that Iknew something was wasn't quite right. The boss was looking down at me with this strange, fixed grin on his face that mingled several states of mind: namely smugness and amusement with a side order of shock.

"Okay," I said slowly, while my mind began to process the fact that I had obviously missed something, "could someone please tell me what is going on?"

There was a moment's silence during which everyone looked at one another awkwardly. No one seemed to want to tell me what was going on. Well, you know how I feel about people not telling me things...

"Look," I said angrily, "would someone please just tell me what I did so that I can apologise to my brother? If I passed wind or something, then I'm sorry, but we've already had a talk about that. I can't help what happens when I'm asleep!"

Naruto, who had been threatening to erupt trying to hold in an overwhelming torrent of giggles, could resist no longer. In between his hysterical laughter and gasps for air, I could just about make out what he was saying. And it was not to my liking.

"Y-You were..." he chortled, tears streaming down his cheeks, "... you were having a- a sexy dream!"

Smirks and little, repressed titters rippled around the room as my face burned bright red. Even Mrs Sarutobi was laughing – and she's a wholesome, outdoorsy type! The truth gradually began to dawn. From Itachi's reaction and the boss's strange smile, I knew then that I had been talking in my sleep. I also had a shrewd idea as to the subject of my apparent soliloquy. However, I did not know the severity of my offence and hence how much grovelling I would have to do to get my brother to fall in with me. Therefore, I stood up, grabbed Naruto by the collar of his cow pyjamas and marched out of the room, dragging him along behind. I slammed the door shut, deposited him on the ground and demanded to know what I had said, telling him to spare no gory detail – all the while trying to ignore the sounds of hysterical laughter drifting through from the TV room.

"It wasn't that bad, Sasuke. No, really," Naruto said, trying to reassure me as I raised an eyebrow at him. "You were just sort of laughing at first, and we all thought it was pretty funny. Tsunade said we should bet on what you were dreaming about, but then you started laughing in a dirty way, and you were like, "Yeah... oh yeah, that's nice." Then you started making moaning noises. Your bro wasn't too happy about that. He wanted someone to wake you up, so Jiraiya went over to you, and... and then..."

Naruto trailed off into a fit of giggles at that point, but I punched him in the arm and gave him such a stern look that he managed to fight them back.

"And then what happened?" I asked tersely, trying to resist the urge to storm back into the TV room and throttle the bunch of giggling idiots I had been forced to share a house with.

"Then you... you... moaned real loud and said, "Ohhhhhhh, Orochimaru-sama!"

I felt the palm of my hand connect forcibly with my forehead and slide down the length of my face.

"Naruto," I began in a monotone, "I thought you said it wasn't that bad."

"It wasn't!" he countered indignantly. "You didn't say anything dirty!"

I sighed. "Naruto, I didn't have to say anything dirty. Do you remember that time I told you about inferring from context? I am dirty by deduction."

Naruto looked thoughtful for a moment, before replying, "But it's not as though you actually had sex with him on the sofa, was it? It was just a dream. Everyone else thought it was funny."

"Well, for some people, even dreaming about sex is enough to be considered an offence," I said grimly, running a hand through my hair. "Particularly when it involves a certain someone..."

I knew then that despite Naruto's assertion to the contrary, my situation was, in fact, Bad. I also knew that I would have to at least make an attempt to apologise to Itachi as soon as possible, because if I did not, he would doubtless have interpreted that as a sign that I am an unrepentant sleep-sinner. If I had misguidedly decided to let him cool off for a couple of hours, then instead of the few days I am expecting now, it will take several weeks longer than usual to convince him to speak with me again (and would have possibly left me signing a familial divorce form).

Thus, I sighed – a ponderous, heavy affair – thanked Naruto, and set off at a jogging pace up the stairs and along the long, east wing corridor towards Itachi's room. Eventually, I found myself outside, gritted my teeth, and steeled myself for an insincere grovelling session.

Gently, I knocked on the door.

"Itachi?" I said, carefully ensuring that my tone was on the right side of contrition. "Itachi, I'm really sorry about earlier. Can I come in?"

There was no answer. I wasn't really expecting one, but I tried the doorknob. It rattled impotently as I discovered resistance. Disbelief washed over me. Had my own brother locked me out?

"Itachi?" I called out, trying again. "Are you in there?"

Not a sound.

As I stood there for a few minutes with my ear pressed tightly to the door, trying to detect anything that indicated the presence of a disgruntled Itachi within, the feeling of general disbelief gave way to a more specific disbelief, an angrier, indignant sort of disbelief that triggered the realisation that, hell, why should I be the one apologising? It really wasn't my fault. I mean, he knows that the boss and I are an item, so if he is anything like the big brother I have come to loathe and mistrust, he should have been mentally prepared for it happening! He plans for every other eventuality, after all. I have read his notebooks! And, for god's sake, is it not Christmas, the season of good will where one is supposed to forgive and forget?

Hence the edge that began to creep into my voice...

"Itachi," I began, hearing my forehead thunk against the beautiful mahogany door in exasperation, "seriously, I don't know what more I can say to you. I was asleep for Christ's sake. If you're going to give me the silent treatment for something that, frankly, I had no control over, then fine. Go ahead. I just want to let you know that you are a repressed freak and that if you want to lock yourself away in there for the next week or so, I won't be complaining. At least then I'll be able to have real rampant, hot, dirty sex without worrying whether you're going barge in."

And with that last cutting remark, I snorted with derision, spun on my heel and stomped off down to the kitchen with intent to make myself a cappuccino and de-stress. Unfortunately, about half the population of the sniggering household had gathered there, and my arrival into their vacuous midst set off a torrent of laughter.

After launching a scathing verbal attack which failed miserably because everyone was laughing too hard to be in any way affected by it, I grabbed my car keys and stormed out of the kitchen, heading for the front door. When I got there, however, I noticed a huge pile of envelopes addressed to different people. One particular, silvery envelope bore my name and the boss's address. I immediately recognised Deidara's atrocious scrawl.

Despite my foul mood, a small smile tugged at the corners of my mouth, and I picked up the envelope and opened it. A million of those extremely irritating plastic gold stars that one buys from craft stores exploded all over the floor and my smile disappeared. Sighing, I extracted the card from its paper casing. My smile returned. The card was a very accomplished hand-drawn affair: an arctic scene of a polar bear wearing a Christmas hat mauling a seal which was also wearing a festive Christmas hat. I always forget that Deidara has a degree in fine art and that he's actually an incredible artist. It must have taken him ages. If you'd seen the front of the card, you would have been forgiven for thinking it was a photograph (although one admittedly bizarre). I opened up the card to be greeted with the following message:

"To Sasuke,

You are sexy, but Oro really likes you apparently, so I can't give you a Christmas hug this year. I'm not sad though because Sasori and I are going to visit his relatives for the holidays!! Granny Chiyo likes to drink, apparently, so guess what we're going to be doing, lol, though Sasori says Gaara's on the wagon now because of his depression medication and that we have to not drink in front of him. Fuck that, lol!!

Say hi to Itachi and Kisame for me! And tell Kabuto I asked after him.

Secret Christmas love and hugs,

Dei."

There were quite a few other silvery envelopes from Deidara, amongst all the others blocking the main exit to the house and presenting a fire-hazard, so I scooped up a good armful of them and dumped them on the side board. If any of the other cretins wanted them, I reasoned, they could come looking themselves. It was then that I noticed a strange package that had previously been obscured by the mound of envelopes – strange in that it simply said, "Orochimaru-sama". No address. Just, "Orochimaru-sama," in a neat, round hand. Immediately, the jealousy sirens went off in my head, and I bent down to take a closer look at the parcel to see whether there were any postmarks. There were none. It was evident, then, that this thing had been hand-delivered, as no postman worth his lazy salt would permit such an article to be delivered, despite the fact that everyone who hasn't been hiding under a rock for the past ten years knows where the boss lives.

Instantly, my mind began to race through all the people I knew who would call the boss "Orochimaru-sama." There were too many to contemplate, so I reduced my search criterion to people I knew the boss knew by name and face. The only ones who hadn't left for Christmas were Kabuto and Juugo, but it couldn't have been Kabuto, because the hand that had written the message was definitely not his, and it couldn't be Juugo because he never ventures outside his apartment unless he can help it.

I needed more time, I realised. I had to squirrel this thing away and find out who the hell was sending the boss secret Christmas packages. Of course, once I did know, I had every intention of letting it reach him, so it wasn't like I was intending to be dishonest. My nefarious plans, however, were rendered unnecessary as I heard a familiar voice say, directly over my shoulder, "Ahh... Kimimaro."

My head whipped round and I found Kabuto standing there, shaking his head in a mixture of amusement and sadness. Having spotted my perplexed expression, he added,

"That's Kimimaro's handwriting."

Then, picking up the package and examining it just as I had done, he said with a wry smile, "And it looks as though he's dropped it off himself. Interesting..."

"Interesting?" I said sharply, my threat-alert sensors suddenly on overdrive owing to the now not-so-distant, looming menace of the boss's favourite ex. "What's interesting about it?"

"Well, it seems to be composed of quite a lot of paper," Kabuto said, giving the package a shake before handing it to me. "Here, feel it."

I did. It was quite bendy, and felt exactly like one of those two-hundred sheet reams of printer paper you can buy at stationery shops. My brow rumpled in puzzlement, and I looked at Kabuto. He shrugged, clueless as I was.

"The only way you're going to find out what it is, Sasuke-kun, is by giving it to Orochimaru-sama," he said sensibly, reading the thoughts which were all too apparent on my face. "Once he opens it, it's fair game."

"What if he hides it away somewhere?" I asked, feeling slightly ill.

"Then you innocently ask him what was in the mystery parcel you discovered at the door the other day. Either that or let him know that you are perfectly aware it's from Kimimaro and have it out with him," Kabuto replied calmly, deftly extricating the offending object from my unwilling hands and holding a finger to his lips, silencing me, before I had time to protest. "Now, I am going to take this to Orochimaru-sama along with the rest of the cards. It's up to you what you decide to do."

That was about three hours ago. I left Kabuto, intent on taking my drive about town, but ended up walking around the perimeter of the house, checking to see if a certain someone was still hanging about. Yes, I know. It was pathetic. It's not like I'm proud of having done it.

Since Kimimaro appeared to have vanished without a trace, having returned, no doubt, to the dark, damp, hell-hole from which he was unnaturally spawned, I trudged back round to the front doors just in time to be treated to the spectacle of Tsunade yelling her lungs out at Dan on the steps, complete with choice insulting curses which were punctuated and emphasised by frantic, flailing gesticulations. I performed a swift about-turn and skulked off before either of them could catch my eye, fearing that I would be dragged into yet another conflict that was nothing to do with me in the first place.

I finally managed to get back inside via one of the doors round the back that the house staff use, and I headed straight up to the boss's study because I was feeling in need of a little TLC. Imagine my surprise when I opened the door to find him curled up on the brown leather sofa, seemingly immersed in reading what appeared to be a rather long, hand-written document comprised of a stack of single, loose-leafed paper. My fists curled as I spotted a pile of familiar-looking wrapping paper sitting at the foot of the coffee table.

Kimimaro's parcel.

The boss didn't even afford me the courtesy of looking up when I entered, but waved a hand in an idle and dismissive manner and said, "A minute, Sasuke-kun, if you would be so kind..."

Oh, I gave him a minute, all right.

Summoning up all my strength, I smiled a nasty smile, turned on my heel and stalked out of his study, slamming the door as hard as I physically could so that the whole thing rattled on its hinges. It felt good. And the aforementioned tactical slam will alert the boss to the fact that I am not happy with a certain aspect of his behaviour, and that if he wishes to resolve matters, he will have to come to me. And possibly grovel.

This has not yet happened, however, and I'm getting worried. Surely he's not still holed up in his study reading his little, Christmas letter from the Thing? I'm in Kabuto's room right now, typing this up, with Naruto and Konohamaru. They're having a Tekken tournament. I have decided to sit it out, due to stress and anxiety. I cannot concentrate on beating up pixellated people while under emotional duress. Kabuto is telling me not to worry, that the boss is mad about me and will on no account leave me for Kimimaro, but I don't know...

I don't know what to think. I can't, until I find out what's in that letter. Naruto says it's probably just one of those Christmas newsletters people send out, letting friends and family know what they've been doing all year.

I'm finding myself really hoping that's true...

LATER:

Okay...

I'm going to have to make this quick because I'm finding it quite hard to type while crying.

The boss never came to find me, so I decided in a fit of jealous spite to stay the night in Kabuto's room with Naruto and Konohamaru. Everyone else ended up falling asleep round about four in the morning, but I couldn't, because I was still thinking about Kimimaro. At about half-past four, I decided that I could no longer take it, and resolved to do something about my situation.

Clothed only in my trusty black boxers and my grey, Superdry hoodie, I crept upstairs and along the silent corridor to the boss's study and let myself in. When I turned on the light, I clocked the insomnia-inducing letter immediately, as the boss had left it on the coffee-table at the place where he had stopped.

It was now or never, I thought, and my curiosity got the better of me. I marked the boss's place, rearranged the leaflets, sat down, and began to read.

The letter was really long (seventy-three pages long, to be exact) and Naruto ended up being half right. The bulk of the letter recounted Kimimaro's exploits while travelling round the continent, describing the beautiful view atop Hokage mountain at sunrise, the food market in Sunagakure, the rowdy bar he almost got killed at in Mizugakure, the mad old lady he ended up keeping house for in Iwagakure for three weeks because he couldn't find paid work anywhere else, and how he was looking forward to Suigetsu tagging along for a fortnight.

Little things like that.

Unfortunately, those little things were also liberally suffixed with choice phrases along the lines of, and I quote some here: "I wish you could have been there with me, Orochimaru-sama", "when I stood there at the top of the mountain, I remembered being there with you, and I realised how much I miss you", "I love everything about being here on the road, having nothing to worry about but where my next meal will come from, or where I will sleep at night. Complete contentment is out of the question, however, for no matter how many beautiful places I visit, my thoughts inevitably turn to you, Orochimaru-sama."

All the while I was reading the letter, my hands were shaking, and my stomach was churning and tying itself in knots, giving me some serious grief; but when I reached a particular passage, I had to put the thing down, otherwise I might have screamed hysterically, torn the thing up and ran downstairs to the bedroom to cram the tainted shreds of the evidence of betrayal down the boss's throat for him to choke on.

It turned out that the boss has been corresponding with Kimimaro behind my back!

Reference to MSN conversations, to chats on the phone, texts and e-mails littered Kimimaro's letter, and my mind raced back to several suspicious incidents that now, with the benefit of hindsight, were thrown into sharp relief. Like the time when I walked in on the boss typing away on his laptop, only to have him snap it closed when I tapped him on the shoulder; when I went round to his house once and he "wasn't available"; him kicking me out of bed for making fun of Kimimaro; him telling me that Kimimaro was the one who ended the relationship – not the other way around...

Suddenly, I began to see everything the boss had ever said to me in a different light. A nasty thought wormed its way into my mind which left me cold: that the boss wasn't really interested in me at all. Like Kabuto, I was just a convenient back-up in close proximity – handy, because the one he really liked was god knows where on the continent and not readily available for sex.

I felt sick, and I had to get away, I had to be alone to think. I'm in the kitchen right now, and my sides are all sore from trying to cry quietly. It's harder than you'd think. Right now, I'm not sure what I'm going to do...

December 19th

This holiday will, quite possibly, go down as the worst Christmas known to man. Everyone has fallen out, and no one seems to be on speaking terms anymore. The boss has run off, Dan has left Tsunade, Tsunade is hysterical, having alienated herself from her only friend left by slapping his girlfriend, Naruto and Konohamaru managed to get into a fist-fight over Tekken, and Itachi and Kisame are not talking anymore because of Kimimaro. The only ones who haven't got involved are Mr and Mrs Sarutobi. In fact, they are, at this very moment, sitting in front of the telly doing the crossword together. I would kill for that sort of domestic tranquillity.

I suppose I should explain...

It all started at around six this morning. I had fallen asleep at the kitchen table, having cried myself out, only to be roused by a strange rumbling noise. Blearily, I raised my head and rubbed my eyes only to see Dan wheeling two suitcases past the kitchen door. Puzzled and sensing something was amiss, I got up and followed him down the hallway.

"Dan," I croaked, "it's six in the morning. Where on earth are you going?"

It was then that I noticed that his eyes were red-rimmed and glassy – a familiar look, seeing as I had just spent the past few hours weeping copious amounts of salty tears into an intricately patterned tablecloth. It appeared that I wasn't the only one who had had a rough night.

"Dan?" I began tentatively, as he stopped to wipe his eyes and sniff. "Are you okay?"

He sighed a long, shuddering sigh, before replying, with a brittle smile that seemed all too in danger of cracking, "Tsunade and I have decided to call it a day, Sasuke. It's just too much. We're always arguing... and I'm finding it hard at the moment, so..."

"You're leaving," I said flatly, finishing his sentence for him. "But why? There are only four days until Christmas. Can't you stick it out until then?"

Dan sighed again and ran a hand through his hair. "In all honesty, Sasuke, I don't know," he answered. "I think I need to get away for a few days. Clear my head, you know—?"

We both looked round at the sound of a rapid thump thump thump thump as a pair of bare feet approached, running down the carpeted corridor—

—and a heartbeat later, Tsunade was there, puffing and panting and clinging to the wall. Her hair looked wild and her face was flushed with exertion. Another, more measured set of steps shuffling across the carpet saw the boss appear, looking irritated and very tired.

"Really, Tsunade," he muttered darkly, "I do not see why you had to drag me out of bed for this. If Dan is intent upon leaving, then I do not see what I will be able to do to convince him otherwise..."

"Dan," Tsunade croaked, ignoring the boss completely, her eyes, for that moment, fixed upon Dan, "please... please don't go. I'll make it up to you, I promise. I'll be a better person. Oro, tell him!"

The boss rolled his eyes and said, with as much sincerity as he could muster at six in the morning, "Dan, I am afraid to say that she really does mean it, otherwise I would not have been kept awake the whole night with her sobbing over you, telling me, at length, about how wonderful you are, and how she is scared to lose you, et cetera, et cetera..."

Dan shook his head sadly and turned away. "I'm sorry, Tsunade," he said quietly. "I really am. But I just can't do this right now."

"Dan!" Tsunade shouted, her hands flying to her mouth, choking back a sob. "Dan! Dan, no... please..."

As Dan disappeared through the front door, his cases trundling along behind him, Tsunade let out a little whimper and collapsed into a weeping puddle of misery. The boss stood there for a moment, looking lost, before he decided that he should perhaps try to comfort his best friend. He knelt down and, looping Tsunade's arm over his shoulder, he lifted her up and dragged her towards the kitchen.

"Sasuke-kun," he called out over his shoulder, "make yourself useful and wake Jiraiya, would you?"

At that point, something inside me snapped. The boss's bored, dismissive tone brought all the black visions of the night before to the forefront of my mind, and I found myself thinking,

Is that all I am to you?

I felt tears leaking out again, and this time, it was simply too much effort to hold them back.

"Wake him yourself," I said, my voice thick and wavering with emotion, as I turned to fix the boss with the coldest look I could muster.

The boss looked genuinely bewildered at this point, and that only made me angrier. Obviously he hadn't had a clue that I had been up all night crying over him.

"Sasuke-kun, what on earth—?" he began irritatedly, before every poisonous thought that had been eating away at me since the night before poured out of me all at once as I struck back at the boss with vicious precision.

"Wake him yourself, you lying, deceitful, cheating prick," I said icily, trying to keep my voice from trembling. I paused to take a deep, shuddering breath, before adding, "After the holidays, I want a transfer to another branch because I never, ever want to see you again."

With that, I turned and walked out of the kitchen, my heart racing, waiting for the inevitable sound of the boss's footsteps following after me. The boss did not disappoint, though I had reached the main hall with the stairwell before he managed to catch up with me. He grabbed me forcefully by the shoulder and whirled me around.

"What on earth has gotten into you, Sasuke-kun?" he hissed, his eyes flashing dangerously as I swatted his hand away.

There was no point in beating about the bush, I thought then. I was as well coming right out with it, as not. So it was that I squared my shoulders, looked the boss straight in the eye and said, in a surprisingly emotionless monotone,

"I know about Kimimaro. I know about the letter he sent you. I know that he is still madly in love with you – why, though, I don't know, with the way you treat people. I also know that you have been in continued, regular contact with him for god knows how long and have conveniently neglected to mention it."

The boss lowered his gaze and silence fell. For a few seconds, neither of us said anything. Then, I voiced the thought that had been torturing me the most...

"And I also know that you're still totally hung up on him, and that you consider me merely a convenient and sexy, little pastime to play around with until your precious Kimimaro arrives back on the scene."

The boss spoke up after a prolonged moment, strangely quiet.

"No, Sasuke-kun," he said. "I have said it before and I will say it again: I do not consider you as something that can be lightly cast aside. Dare I say, I may even have made an emotional investment in you, one that I would be fain to lose."

"Liar!" I spat, brandishing a finger at him and bristling at his false professions of emotion. "You don't love anyone but yourself! God, if only that Kimimaro had had the guts to actually come in I'd've slapped him across the face and asked him what the hell he's thinking! The only good thing about you is the fact that you're filthy rich, but here – newsflash, Orochimaru-sama! – that's not good enough! You're a vain, selfish, spoiled brat and you treat people like shit – trampling all over them because you can, and because that's what you've always done, and because that's just the way you are. Well, if you think you're going to trample all over me and that I'm going to back down, you can think again! You're a liar, and, congratulations, you've made a complete fool out of me! I can't believe I had a sexy dream about you! You make me sick, Orochimaru-sama, and I never, ever want to see you again as long as I live!"

I think, in hindsight, I may have over-egged the pudding. Towards the end, I was ranting and raving a little and ended up losing control. By the time I had finished venting my spleen, I must have looked like I'd run a marathon. The boss looked... well, he looked a shade shell-shocked, to tell you the truth. I don't think anyone had ever shouted at him like that before. For a few minutes, he simply stood there on the hall floor, looking at me funny, before he turned and walked out. No shouting match, no vicious retort, no nothing. He just walked out, leaving me there alone in the hall.

I must say that I was a little shocked too. For several minutes, I stood, swaying slightly from side to side, stunned at the vitriol that came out of my mouth. Then...

"Sasuke? Are you okay?" I heard a familiar voice floating down from the first floor balcony. "I heard voices..."

It was Sakura, and, for some reason, her presence seemed to break some sort of spell that had been holding me together, and I sunk to the floor and succumbed to a small freak-out, cradling my head in my hands. In a heartbeat, Sakura was with me and helping me into the kitchen. If I wasn't so upset, I daresay it would have been a rather amusing sight: Tsunade and I sitting at the kitchen table, weepy and shaken, having just severed ties with our significant others within a five-minute interval, Sakura working like mad to fix us soothing cups of tea.

It didn't take long for the others to filter down into the kitchen. Upon asking us what was wrong, Tsunade and I unfolded our sordid tales to each respective inquirer. When it came to Itachi and Kisame, I must confess I hesitated, but my beloved big brother, to his credit, restrained himself from saying, "I told you so," but instead began to list the many faults of my rival, most salient among them the fact that Kimimaro was, according to him, "a dyed-in-the-wool, bone-idle failure" for quitting his job in order to "broaden his spiritual horizons". I was grateful to Itachi for being a charitably bitchy, but Kisame took it in a completely different light. Kimimaro, apparently, is his first cousin once-removed or something silly like that, and he took offence to Itachi's calling him a "failure". Itachi then observed his colleague and reiterated his opinion, in that admittedly infuriating monotone of his, "but he is a failure, Kisame. Would I say so if it were otherwise?"

While Itachi and Kisame stared each other down, I sat there with my head in my hands, feeling like the biggest catalyst. Was I forever condemned to cause people to fall out? It wasn't long before I heard the rude squawk of a chair being pushed back, and my fears were confirmed. Kisame stood up and walked out of the kitchen, not looking back.

"Itachi..." I murmured, "I'm really sorry. I must be cursed or something."

"It is not your fault, Sasuke," he replied calmly. "I was only speaking the truth. I cannot help it if Kisame is unable to accept that."

He was a little less calm when he discovered what Kisame had done by way of revenge.

I wasn't around when it happened, because I had excused myself in order to curl up in a corner in Naruto's bedroom and snivel, but I ended up wandering down to the kitchen to get a glass of water. Itachi was there, sitting grimly at the table, his fingers clutching, white-knuckled, at a cup of tea. Naruto was there too, looking grumpy, with a blue band-aid plastered onto his forehead. Once again, Sakura was the one sorting everyone out.

"What's wrong—?" I began, before Sakura put a finger to her lips.

Silenced, I followed her beckoning finger and she led me out into the hallway, closing the door behind her.

"What's wrong with Itachi?" I whispered, feeling strangely concerned for my brother's welfare all of a sudden.

Apparently, after Itachi had branded Kimimaro a "bone-idle failure", thus subtly asserting his Uchiha superiority and indicting Kisame's familial network, Kisame decided to take revenge by breaking into my brother's stash of bath bombs and shower gels, filling the sink up in the en-suite to capacity, and tipping everything in it at once. My brother was not best pleased when he found out, and I am told that he actually tried to attack Kisame and had to be restrained.

"Ah," I said sagely, thinking of the wound on Naruto's head. "So Naruto jumped in to stop him then?"

"Well... no," Sakura said awkwardly, before launching into the terrible tale of how Naruto received his injury.

It appears that Naruto and Konohamaru were engaged in a fiercely competitive series of Tekken matches. Konohamaru, having won with twenty-three perfects in a row via the repeated and sole use of "Yoshimitsu's door-knocker punch", was accused by Naruto of button mashing and cheating. Konohamaru vociferously denied this accusation, and things became heated. Konohamaru, it is alleged, threw the wireless controller at Naruto's head and Naruto went for him. Injuries were sustained by both parties, and they had been separated by Jiraiya just after he had dealt with Itachi and Kisame and had calmed Kiku down.

Kiku. Oh dear god, I thought, not another fall-out.

I felt a migraine coming on right there and then, and I knew that just a glass of water wasn't going to cut it. Wearily, fearing her answer, I asked Sakura what happened, and she informed me that Kiku had misguidedly expressed her opinion to Tsunade regarding her treatment of Dan, telling her that she never took his side, always snapped at him and brought him down. Unsurprisingly, Tsunade did not take kindly to such assertions and called Kiku a variety of nasty names. This, in turn, lead to Kiku calling her, and I quote, "a fat, nasty, old bitch," which caused Tsunade to draw back her hand and slap Kiku across the face. Naturally, Jiraiya took his girlfriend's side and now, Sakura tells me, Tsunade is up in her room crying hysterically because she doesn't have a friend left in the world.

When Sakura had finished, she sighed deeply and ran a hand through her hair.

"It's madness, Sasuke, it really is," she said, shaking her head and smiling a sad smile. Then she looked up at me and said, "How are you coping?"

I don't know what it was, but seeing Sakura run off her feet like that, yet still managing to smile and care about what everyone else was going through... well... it made me feel a little guilty. It was why I suggested, with a little muted twinkle in my eye, that we get washed and dressed and meet at the front door for a nice, long walk to get away from the mad house. Sakura has gratefully agreed, and we're planning on escaping just before dinner.

I must say I'm looking forward to it. I can't take being cooped up in there any longer, and I don't want to be alone, because then I'll start thinking about the boss, and that way madness lies...

December 20th

I did a bad thing last night, and I don't really want to go into too much detail except to say that it has been resolved and that everything is as it was before it happened.

All I will say is that when I was out walking with Sakura last night, I was feeling very tired, very worried and very emotional, and Sakura was operating on a similar plane. One thing led to another and... well... we ended up kissing for a few minutes on a bench.

Nothing else happened, but we talked it over and decided that we would forget that it had ever happened. On my part it was because my wounds are still raw regarding my messy situation with the boss, and because I knew that Naruto was still carrying a torch for Sakura, even after all the knock-backs, and that I would never do that to him. On Sakura's part, it was because she knew that I still had feelings for the boss (despite my assertions to the contrary), but also because she said that she had begun to have feelings for Naruto after I left Konoha-Suna to come and work here, and that she wanted time to sort everything out in her head before doing anything about it.

I was quite surprised at this (and happy for Naruto) and I said so. Sakura pleaded with me not to tell, though. I promised I wouldn't, and she smiled, took my arm and we both walked back to the house, friends again and friends only.

Right now, I'm sitting here in the bedroom typing this entry up, with my i-phone in hand, waiting for a call from the boss. Everyone else has since fallen in (Kisame having replaced Itachi's bath products by venturing out to the Lush store in the Oto Mall) and they are all in the TV room, playing charades.

Everyone except the boss, that is, because he didn't come back last night.

I haven't slept properly for forty-eight hours and I despite the fact that I told him, in no uncertain terms, that I never wanted to see him again... I'm worried.

I know, I know... but I can't help it if I'm not like the boss! I care about people, you see. Even him, the cheating, lying scumbag that he is.

I want him to phone so I can scream at him until my throat gives out for making me feel like this. I want him to show up on the doorstep so I can beat the living shit out of him until I feel better, until I feel normal again. I want to tell him that I kissed Sakura – not because I have any intention of following up on it, but because I know for certain that it will hurt him.

This wasn't supposed to happen...

I wasn't supposed to be silly over anyone – I swore that to myself after we had that argument at the hotel about... god it was about Itachi and fucking Christmas!! Seriously, this holiday has been causing me no end of deep-seated emotional grief, and has been since the end of November!

It is official. I hate Christmas. I hate The-Skanky-Ex-From-Hell-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named for fucking up my Christmas. And I hate the boss for letting him fuck up my Christmas.

But do you know what's worse? I've just realised that I actually love him – which is beyond terrible. So terrible that terrible has punched out through the other side of terrible, encountering some sort of terrible trans-dimensional mishap and is now meeting its terrible self coming backwards.

Like I said... it's just wrong.

And I hate him for that, too.

December 21st

Still no word from the boss. Still can't function properly, either. I'm finding this break-up a little harder to bear than I thought. I haven't been eating properly, Mrs Sarutobi said, so she brought me up a plate of minestrone soup she made herself (she doesn't like having servants do things for her). I had a few mouthfuls, but even though it was rather tasty, I didn't really feel like eating. The plate is lying on the floor by the side of the bed and the soup has gone cold.

Itachi came in to try and talk to me, saying that if I was really that upset, he could arrange a position for me at Akatsuki. I muttered some non-committal sounds at him until he gave up and left. Naruto was more of a help. He just lay there next to me on the bed, staring at the ceiling, and talked nonsense for hours. I have come to the conclusion that when it comes to the real stuff, Naruto may know me better than my own brother. That was rather disconcerting at first, but when I thought about it, it didn't surprise me. I guess I'm just lucky to have such a good friend.

Jiraiya came in at one point, saying that both he and Tsunade had tried to call the boss, but that he hadn't answered, asking me if I had had any luck. I replied, in a monotone, that I hadn't tried to call him yet, and Jiraiya sort of went, "Oh. Right. Sorry, Sasuke. I'll leave you to it," and backed out of the room.

I still haven't tried to call him.

I don't even know what I'd say if he answered, to be honest...

December 22nd

Dan came back this morning. Kiku spotted his Lexis pulling up outside the compound and she ran upstairs to Tsunade's room to tell her. An emotional reunion followed, I am told, involving much snivelling, apologies and protestations of undying love. I don't know the details, because I missed it. Having been emotionally ham-strung by the boss is making journeys other than going to the toilet something of a chore, and I have to get all my information from the other members of the household when they make their charitable visits.

When Jiraiya came in, he said he was never really worried about them because they were always breaking up and making up. "They were like that all through university," he chuckled, shaking his head in amusement. "Always making me or Oro play the go-between. I guess old habits are hard to kick, eh?"

I remembered the boss's sleepily irritated expression at having been dragged out of bed at stupid a.m. and I managed a bitter smile. "Yes," I replied, "he wasn't too happy at Tsunade forcing him up at six in the morning to talk to Dan."

"She did that?" Jiraiya said, laughing. "Man, I'm surprised she didn't come in to get me as back-up."

I told him that the boss had ordered me to fetch him, and that that had been the catalyst for the breakdown of our relationship. Jiraiya went a bit quiet after that, and then he left, saying that Naruto would be up soon after he finished putting in the day's shift on his mysterious room.

Dan came in later and said how sorry he was to hear about what had happened between the boss and I. I shrugged and told him not to worry about it, saying that I would get over it. He smiled and left a plate of cinnamon, Christmas tree cookies for me on the bedside cabinet. As soon as he closed the door, I curled up into a ball and cried. I felt really alone then, and I couldn't cuddle Montague because he reminds me of the boss.

I'm so exhausted. I can't take this anymore. I just want to go to sleep and forget about everything...

December 23rd

I received the following e-mail from Nagato last night:

----

From: "Nagato"

To: "Uchiha Sasuke"

Subject: Contract.

Dear Sasuke,

I hope you are well.

Regarding the execution of the contract your brother has taken out in your name, I request that you be present at the Otogakure Mall at precisely 10:00 am tomorrow morning. Your attendance is vital in order to detract suspicion from your person, and you will not be under obligation to participate actively in proceedings.

Please delete this e-mail from your inbox as soon as you have read it.

Yours sincerely,

Nagato.

----

After spending a good few minutes snarling like a lunatic and punching pillows and bemoaning the fact that I had went to so much effort to procure a fantastic present for such an arsehole, I decided that I would go ahead with the contract anyway. Mainly because my brother had paid out for Nagato and I didn't want an incident of such rare generosity to go to waste, but also because I had visions of decapitating Snakey and sending the head to the boss in a mysterious Christmas parcel addressed only to "Orochimaru-sama".

Thus the fact that I am washed and dressed for the first time in four days, ready to face the world again.

A bit of driving and fresh air will do me good, I suppose. And when I come back, I could always arrange a deeply therapeutic, Snakey decapitation ceremony (if Mr Sarutobi, Jiraiya and Tsunade don't veto it, that is). Ooh! And it has just occurred to me that I can even pop into Habitat while I'm at the Mall and buy one of those giant, machete-like chef's knives for added, head-chopping pizzazz.

I guess I should get going. It's quarter to nine already, and I don't want to be late. Nagato was pretty precise about being precise...

December 24th

Good news to report, I suppose. The execution of Snakey has been stayed. What brought on the change of heart, you ask? Well, I'll tell you...

As I was driving along the windy back road towards the Oto Mall, listening to a special compilation of depressing, break-up songs Kabuto had helped me choose and burn onto a CD the night before, I saw a sight through the front window that almost caused me to have a seizure. Now, before I tell you what that sight was, I feel I must briefly explain the lie of the land in Otogakure, in order to better set the scene.

Despite having undergone swift successive stages of rampant industrialisation in recent years, the majority of Otogakure remains a fairly wild and uncultivated place. Ancient forests, lofty mountain peaks, rushing rivers, spectacular cascading waterfalls, deep lakes – you name a natural feature of a temperate, mid-latitude oceanic climate, Otogakure has it in spades. Hence the ridiculous number of local beauty spots which have been designated by the Daimyo in recent years in order to encourage tourism.

When driving the route from the compound to the Mall, one passes a fair number of these so-called beauty spots, and as I passed a particular one named Ryuzu Falls, an all too familiar car caught my eye. Sitting in the little forlorn square of land that had been cleared to form a car-park was the boss's Rolls.

I didn't even have to think about it.

Slamming on the brakes, ignoring the annoyed honks of other drivers' horns, I performed a sharp U-turn and headed for the Ryuzu Falls car park. Switching off the engine, I stepped out of the car and spotted Zaku, one of the boss's drivers, standing by the Rolls having a cigarette.

"Morning, Uchiha-san," he said, seeming completely unsurprised at finding me there. "Orochimaru-sama's just through there by the falls if you want him."

Obviously, he knew nothing of our most recent spat, and it appeared that the boss wasn't planning on telling him. Oh well, I thought. That was the boss's fault if he was so economical with the truth as to endanger his person by not arranging damage control. My fists curling in anticipation, I nodded grimly by way of thanks and strode off along the thinly forested path, following the river and the big, yellow directional arrows on signposts.

My mind was racing, and I could feel the blood pounding in my veins as that all-too-familiar sense of hot, impotent anger took over. The sharp, frosty air rushed past my ears, dulling the crunching sound of my footfalls as they walked over frozen gravel and leaves. All I could think about was giving the boss a piece of my mind.

And then he was there in front of my eyes, bedecked in a white kimono, kneeling by the water's edge. I halted abruptly, gravel crunching underfoot, as I saw him place a tiny lantern upon the surface of the water, pushing it gently away to let it float down the river.

Oh god, I thought. Someone's died. I'd better turn back...

Then he looked up and caught my eye.

For a prolonged moment, we just stared at one another, the only sound passing between us that of the roaring waterfalls. The boss's expression wasn't giving much away, but there was something there, a little niggling thing, telling me that maybe, just maybe, he was feeling as torn up about this whole situation as I was. Suddenly, I didn't feel much like a shouting match.

Resisting every warning my rational mind was screaming at me, slowly, with my hands in my pockets, I walked over to where the boss was kneeling and I sat down beside him upon the cold rocks.

"I thought you never wanted to see me again."

Saying nothing, because I knew I'd rather be crucified than tell the boss the truth at that moment, I simply shrugged and drew my knees up into my chest, resting my chin upon them.

Silence fell again, and we spent the next few minutes watching the boss's little lantern winding its slow way down the river. Eventually, it turned a corner, and we had nothing with which to absorb all the resentful thoughts and feelings we had hitherto managed to keep bottled up.

"So," I ventured when the boss was not forthcoming, "where the hell have you been for the past five days?"

"What do you care, Sasuke-kun?" was the curt reply.

"Oh, I don't know. You'd be surprised," I said casually, picking up a pretty pebble and turning it over in my fingers. "I haven't slept or ate properly since you left. I feel like shit, and I blame you entirely for that."

The boss said nothing, and stared stonily out across the water, his hands folded in his lap.

"So where have you been?" I continued, unrelenting. "You could at least afford me the courtesy of letting me know, since I care about people, unlike you."

At that last remark, the boss's eye twitched almost imperceptibly. A moment's silence followed before he replied, his tone uncharacteristically subdued.

"I caught a plane to Iwagakure to see Kimimaro."

I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach, and it took all the strength I had to fake a sense of calmness I did not possess and say, "Oh? So how did that go?"

"Not very well," the boss replied. "I would say that, in fact, it did not "go" at all."

My insides did a hopeful, little flip-flop, and I inquired as to why that was so, all the while trying to stop my voice from wavering as I spoke.

The boss permitted himself a small smile and said, "because I suddenly remembered all the trouble I went through in order to spend Christmas with you, Sasuke-kun, and realised I'd be damned if I'd let such a monumental effort go to waste."

I laughed, but it was a cold, mirthless affair.

"Not because you didn't want to see your precious Kimimaro, then?"

"No, Sasuke-kun," he said calmly, turning to fix me with an oddly intense gaze. "You are completely and utterly wrong. Would you like me to tell you why?"

I shrugged, trying to be blasé and failing miserably. It's rather a hard thing to pull off when your heart is going like the clappers and you feel like it's going to leap out through your mouth at any moment. The boss took this noncommittal gesture as an invitation to continue, and continue he did.

"I spent the night in a horrible hotel next to Iwagakure airport alone, Sasuke-kun," he said, sighing at the memory. "It was a foul place, and I do not wish to repeat the experience. I stayed there because I did not meet with Kimimaro as I had originally planned, but caught the next flight back to Otogakure instead. This was because I had suffered the crashing realisation that I would rather spend two weeks fighting tooth-and-nail with you than spending them in perfect, halcyon bliss with Kimimaro. An unfortunate thing to realise, I feel, since the very object of my affection had hitherto expressed a definite wish to never see me again.

"Needless to say, I felt rather miserable, and I do not mind admitting that to you, Sasuke-kun. I could not bear to return home, however, so I phoned for a driver and he took me to the hotel in Konoha. I wandered around the room for the remainder of the time, driving myself mad, before I decided to bite the bullet and come home."

"And what would you have done then?" I asked quietly, unable to stop myself from returning the boss's gaze as he shuffled over across the rocks and closed the distance between us.

"I would have told you that, had you given me a second chance, I would be prepared to never see or speak to Kimimaro again," he said softly, practically whispering as he leaned in ever closer. "I would have told you that I deeply regretted doing such a stupid thing behind your back, and that if you would see fit to forgive me, I would do anything in my power to appease you and make you happy..."

"Oh..." I said faintly, as saw his hand reach up, felt it caressing my cheek, cold and slightly damp from the chilly water vapour rising from the river. There was nothing I could do about it. I knew it was coming, and, in my heart of hearts, I wanted it to happen. I just wasn't ready to break up with the boss yet, and it seemed that I had made my point to him, loud and clear. I'd gotten further than Kabuto ever had as regards the elimination from the picture of the evil Kimimaro. My reasoning? The boss had had a chance to have five days' worth of sex with him, and he didn't. That was all the proof I needed of his contrition.

So when he kissed me, I kissed him back. It was a long, passionate affair, and I must confess that I rather lost track of time. When I finally had to pull back for air, the boss tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear in that way of his and murmured, "So where are you off to, Sasuke-kun? Heading home?"

It was at this point that I chanced to glance at my watch. Realising that it was almost twenty to ten, I leapt to my feet and uttered a few choice expletives.

"Oh holy, shitting fuck!" I hissed in agitation, completely shattering the spell of delicate, wintry tranquillity. "I'm supposed to be at the Mall at ten! Nagato's going to go ballistic!"

The boss's brow rumpled in puzzlement. "Nagato?" he said, shooting me a quizzical look. "Why on earth are you meeting with Nagato?"

I smiled a smug smile and replied, "It's for your Christmas present, which is fucking fabulous, by the way, if I say so myself."

"Oh really?" the boss said, smiling in return and looping his arm through mine as he guided me back towards the car park. "Then I suppose we should get a move on if you don't want to be late."

"We?" I said incredulously, with a mock grin of astonishment. "You are coming to the Mall with me?"

"Of course, Sasuke-kun," he replied, waving a hand airily, as though such an occurrence was commonplace. "I am sure it will not be as bad as I think."

And so it was that I spent the better part of yesterday morning at the Mall with the boss. Having ordered Zaku to take the Rolls back to the compound, we jumped in the Aston Martin. We got there in time (if only because I floored it), and, against all expectations, we actually had fun. The boss was shocked at how many ordinary people there were milling around, but I assured him that it wasn't normally that busy – it was just last-minute-gift panic shopping. At precisely one minute past ten, I received the following, slightly scary text from Nagato:

"Sasuke, I see that you are here. Good. All is going to plan. With any luck, I shall have the object in my possession at any time now. I shall have it delivered to you this evening via courier. Please delete this message as soon as you receive it.

N."

It was scary because I had no idea how he could have known I was there. The boss and I looked up and down, behind plant-pots, and in the fountain, but he remained elusive. After a while, we tired of the "Spot Nagato" game, and I dragged the boss up to Thorntons on the third floor and demanded that he buy me a bag of fudge to make up for his transgressions (I can sense that I am going to get a lot of mileage out of this one). He bought me two bags of fudge and a white chocolate snowman. I scoffed the lot while we were sitting at Costa coffee and almost made myself sick. After that, I achieved my wicked ambition and dragged the boss into a photo booth, in which we took many lewd, many charming and many plain silly pictures of ourselves. I let the boss have half and kept the other half for the photo album.

At about quarter to twelve, another text from Nagato came through, informing me that he had successfully managed to procure "the object" from Hamley's, and that I was free to leave whenever I pleased. By then, I was tingling all over with general happiness, and I was quite ready to head back to the compound. The boss agreed, and so we drove home.

Now, in my rush to leave this morning, I had forgotten to tell people that I was going somewhere and not to worry about me being gone for a prolonged period of time. So imagine my surprise when Naruto and Sakura pounced on me as soon as I stepped foot through the front door, wrapping me in a crushing embrace.

"Itachi!" Sakura shouted in between crushing bear-hugs. "Itachi, he's here. He's okay. God, Sasuke, we were so worried about you! Why didn't you—? Oh..."

Her eyes travelled upward to a point behind my shoulder and she unlocked her arms from round my neck and said, "Orochimaru... Hi."

"Sakura-kun," I heard the boss say lightly. "How are you?"

"I-I'm fine," Sakura stuttered, looking as though, for some reason, the last thing in the world she expected was for the boss to turn up at his own house. "Yourself?"

"A lot better than I was a few days ago," the boss replied, snaking an arm around my waist as though he sought to confirm this statement with a physical gesture. "Sasuke and I have resolved our differences."

It was then that Itachi decided to put in an appearance. He stopped short when he saw the boss and I together, and he just stared at us, his expression completely and utterly unreadable.

"Itachi..." I began, before the boss placed a finger over my lips.

"I think I had better speak to him, Sasuke-kun," he murmured. "I will not be long."

And before I had time to protest, the boss had lead Itachi off down the corridor and into a room, closing the door behind them. I have no idea what was said between them, because neither of them are willing to discuss the matter, but I guess it was somewhat productive, because the boss isn't currently six feet under. In fact, Itachi approached me earlier on tonight while I was frantically wrapping presents in the TV room with Kiku and Naruto and he said that if it was my wish to resume relations with Orochimaru, then he would perhaps try to begin to accept it.

"Perhaps try to begin to accept..." What a breakthrough! If only the boss had dragged him into a room and had a chat with him a few months ago, I could have avoided a whole world of pain and emotional trauma.

Oh... just a moment. Dan's just come in and he says there's someone at the door for me. I'll be back in a tick.

LATER:

A young man with vibrant red hair and a copious amount of facial piercings (I didn't ask if he had any elsewhere) turned up at the door with a handful of Christmas cards, two candy canes and a mysterious box. I inquired as to the nature of the contents of the mysterious box and was awarded with a sly wink for my efforts. The young man then handed me the box, the Christmas cards and then the candy canes, stressing that the latter were for me and for "Oro," before wishing me a merry Christmas and leaving without another word. I'm not sure, but I think it might have been Nagato.

I then wandered upstairs to finish my work on the photo album. I must say, it looks fantastic. The boss is going to love it so much. After all the effort that's gone into this, my present had better scale uncharted heights of awesome...

Who am I kidding? I'd be happy with just a card right now. And speaking of cards, the boss has only just got round to opening his. He is on the phone chatting to Deidara quite the thing, and asking how everything's going in Suna. They've fallen in because Deidara sent the boss an odd, little stick drawing of te two of them holding hands in a flowery field with the caption: "I'm sorry I made you sad," written in purple crayon at the top.

I guess I'll get the gossip later. I'm too tired to stay awake anymore. I've finished every one my Christmas preparations, and all I want to do now is fall asleep cuddling the boss. As soon as he gets off that fucking phone, that is...

First off, that was a mighty long chapter. Longest yet at 10,000 plus words. I hope it was worth the wait. I added an extra helping of drama just to spice it up. Saskue was becoming rather settled, and I thought he needed a bit of emotional torture to keep him on his toes. Yes. I am evil.

Second, we have more fanart! saavik has kindly alerted me to this drawing which was inspired by ADitL. It is Orochimaru in a snazzy suit, complete with a snakey pimpin' stick. What's not to like about snakey pimpin' sticks? As always, delete the spaces when copying the link into your address bar):

http // saavik8 . deviantart . com / art / Orochimaru-in-a-suit-68030645

Now, as per tradition, on with the comments!

danniquinn (Dude, sorry to hear about your nosebleed mishap. That sucks muchly. Your mental image is spot on, though, by the way. XD That is exactly how I imagined Sasori walking in. Lol, too, to the image of online spats at 1am. I can totally picture them trolling one another's threads on messageboards. And don't worry, the story is actually only about halfway through in terms of chapter numbers. Sasuke did stay with Oro for two and a half years, after all.) ArilianaFireQueen (Hee, hello there! Thanks for the review for last chapter. I hope the birthday present purchasing and the homework completing went well. I'm hating homework right now. Well, when I say "homework" I mean doing research for my master's, but it's the same damn thing. Hence the update! Yay! I also want to try a Butterfinger. I wonder if I can buy them online?) qwertumz (Why, hello again! I love it when people turn up randomly on the review board. And your particular review made me lol quite hard. It's just Kishimoto all over, isn't it? Just when I think "excellent, I have found a manga that isn't riddled with Great Godmoders and cliched plot twists" he has to go and introduce Pain, then Madara and now a stupid prophecy.) Nozomi-sama (I think that lots of people can identify with Sasuke in losing their minds over the Christmas period. The pressure to purchase perfect presents for one's loved ones can do that to a person. Wow. Lots of Ps in that last sentence. I crammed them in there like Ps are going out of fashion...) Anilmathiel Greenleaf (Yay! Thank you for loving the e-mail names. I spent ages coming up with them and ended up tearing my hair out because fanfiction dot net was intent upon thwarting me with its Nazi filter. Hah! Well, I got round it (it was untidy, but still) so suck on that, Nazis! Rawr!)

narutofanficluvr (Hello there! Thanks so much for all the reviews. I really appreciate them, and I love the fact that you've just sort of responded as you read through the chapters. Lol for the one random one that didn't end funny. What can I say? I like to keep you guys on your toes.) eerabbit (Yay, hello thar! Nice to see you again. Glad you liked their e-mail addresses. As I was saying to Animathiel Greenleaf back there, I spent ages thinking them up, only for fanfiction dot net to sabotage them at the last hurdle. At least I found a way to get around it.) Patrick (Thank you so much for such a lovely and well thought-out review. You've pinpointed all the things that have worried me about this story - the fact that it is an AU, that it is technically slash fic, and that... well... it's about Sasuke, lol (you might not believe it, but I don't actually like canon Sasuke). Thanks to your comments, though, my fears have been allayed. I guess it is possible to write a rampant, slash AU and make it believable if you take the time and put a bit of effort into it. I guess I wrote this in the first place because I hate those sorts of LOL HIGH SCHOOL PINEAPPLES fics too and wanted to do something a bit different. I guess I've pulled it off, and that really makes me happy. Hope you manage to catch this update.) hieilover135 (hey, don't worry about missing chapters. I fully expect reviewers to have lives and therefore to miss the odd update. Nagato is, indeed, Pein. Or Pain, or however people are spelling his name this week. Konan will be in the story at some point, but I'm keeping quiet about that at the moment. Cheers very much for the Gai's birthday info. I have something planned for new year, but I'm sure I can fit a double party in there somewhere. After all, the presence of Gai equals guaranteed comedy, imo).

Niver (First off, I must say that you get one hundred and fifty zillion points for your choice of house for recommending ADitL to NaruGuru. I love word of mouth. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But Dan... yes... I am totally with you on that. He just came across in the manga and in the anime as a wholesome, potential beige chino-wearing, suburbs type of guy. And the e-mail thing... I was actually laughing, no, correction, giggling like a loon, when I was writing that part. Poor Hidan, indeed.) ChibiKeimei (Lol, yes, it's exactly the thing Akatsuki members would resort to. If at first you don't succeed: steal, rape, kill and burn the place down. Itachi... yup. You've got it bang on. It really is a sort of childish, "if I ignore you, you'll go away". Sorry, Itachi, but Oro doesn't tend to fade into the background. Fanfiction dot net has a filter that gets rid of all the "at" signs and dots in email addresses. Very annoying. Glad you agree with me on Rufus's OMGAMAZING voice. I went to see him last week and... gah. All kinds of awesome.) saavik8 (Firstly, thank you so much for letting me know about your fan art. I pimped it up near the top, as you can probably see. Thanks, too, for the really lovely review. I'm totally with you on AU fics, funnily enough. Usually, I don't like them either, but the idea for this one just hit me one day after I finished my finals and, fortunately, it just wouldn't go away. I'm glad you like the little manga references (I put them in there for the keen readers, oh yes,) and also that you like the way I've treated the whole sex thing. I've been wondering about that, and it's nice to get an opinion on it. Hope to see you next time round! )

SasukexXxSakura (Well, judging by your screen nick, I guess you will have found this chapter at least interesting. Hope you were happy with the brief moment of Sasuke/Sakura action. Cheers very much for the review!) NaruGuru (Yay! A new reviewer! I always love new people - and you're connected to Niver, too, who is another awesome reviewer. This propels you to lofty hights of brilliance, according to my sage wisdom (rofl, stfu Ada, whut wizdomz iz that again?) But yes, I'm so glad this fic makes you happy. It makes me happy, too, even though I always know what's coming (the downside of being teh author). Oro will get his Snakey in the next chapter, and I guarantee that he will love it. Just wait til you see what he gets for Sasuke. There is gonna be explosions of squee! ) natwel (Hello again! Thanks for the review (and letting me know you're still kicking about). Believe me, I wish I could just stop grinding and write. This masters is, to put it bluntly, teh sux0rz. Doing research is so fucking boring, I can't tell you. Ah well... it's only for one year. If I still hate it by the end of the year, I won't go on to do the PhD. Hope you liked this chapter (and the extra helping of OMGDRAMA I provided.)) Zinjah (Y hello thar, oh one who possesses the most profound knowledge of summary writing! May I take this opportunity to smack my forehead against the nearest wall for being such a clueless numbskull as far as dates go? Tis Christmas in the future alright! XD Also, how the hell could you turn that concept into an angst fic? Seriously. XD I'm really curious now.) fiore777 (Thanks so much for taking the time to review my fic, considering your current housing situation. Are you scheduled to move into another house, or have you been pretty much screwed over by whoever decided to condemn your place? I'm thinking about writing a truly mad one-off detailing how Sasori, the bananas and how he got back to Akatsuki HQ after the Christmas party from his drug-addled POV. Should be interesting if it turns out the way I want it to. Thanks again for reviewing, and take care of yourself. Hope your internet withdrawal isn't too bad.)