"Come on, it's time for dinner," she exclaims, grabbing Ben's hand and pulling him to the door. But he doesn't come, holding firm as she tugs at him.
"Ben?"
His face is wary and he carefully says, "Your friend, Rose, she won't be the only person with … opinions about me."
"I don't care," she says stubbornly.
"A point for which I'm very grateful. However … are you certain you wouldn't wish to appear less … involved with me?"
Sighing, she says, "It won't matter. This place is worse than a small town, and everyone knew everything in Niima. We could try to sneak around ..." She frowns at that. "But it would only buy us a few days at best. No, I'm carrying your child and everyone is just going to have to get used to it."
He smiles but then his expression grows concerned. "I don't want you to suffer because of … what I've done."
His shoulders hunch and his face is marred with pain. For some reason, his obvious guilt makes Rey feel better about not knowing much about his past. She may not have an exhaustive idea of all of the blood on his hands, but she knows he deeply regrets it. She remembers his howls as he sobbed over his father.
She places her hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat; it's a bit faster than normal. "I know there's much I don't yet understand. I hope you'll tell me. But for now, I'm not going to try to hide who you are to me. You're … you're … mine. That's all there is to it."
His face is still tight with worry but her words make him smile and he finally nods his acceptance.
"Good. Now come on, I'm famished!"
The loud conversations and clanging utensils quiet quickly once they arrive. She's kept Ben's hand in hers the whole way to the mess hall and now she sees gesturing and rapid whispers moving all over the mess hall.
A big, burly man—one of the hangar workers, comes up to them and points to their joined hands. "What's this? You Kylo Ren's girlfriend now, Jedi?"
She can feel Ben coil to strike and she knows he's seconds from doing something to this hothead. Rey almost wants to let him, but that won't help matters.
"If you must know, this is Ben Solo. The general's son. And yes, I'm his … girlfriend." She trips a bit over the word, it's all wrong for their situation.
But Ben is looking at her with a pleased sort of smugness. He likes that she'd called herself his girlfriend?
The mention of Leia had done its job, and the man moves on quickly, with only a dirty look thrown over his shoulder; Rey lets out a slow breath. One down, at least 200 to go.
Pulling Ben behind her, she takes him to the back of the line and pushes him forward. He moves to stand behind her instead and keeps a protective hand at her back, his other reaching for a tray. She wants to tell him she's perfectly safe; no one here would hurt her.
There's tension all around them, little furtive glances. But no one does anything but glare occasionally.
At least there's mashed tor root today. She glances up at the woman serving it, realizing she's a new recruit. Rey takes an immediate dislike to her. Taller than herself, she also has lush curves and lustrous red hair. The woman looks just like the women she imagines Ben has been with. A full, pouty mouth, wide hips to hold onto, large, round breasts that strain against her jumpsuit.
Tor root doesn't sound so appealing any longer and she moves past her, a sick, ugly feeling wriggling inside her chest.
Sensing that Ben isn't staying close, she looks to her right and sees him just standing there, boldly staring at that tart's huge breasts. The woman catches Rey's eyes, winks, and the floor falls out from under her. Her eyes quickly fill with tears and she blinks them away, breathing through her nose.
Fury and sorrow war in her chest. She wants to drag him away and slap him for ogling another woman, but insecurity's hooks are into her too swiftly. Would she have looked like that if she'd had enough to eat? Is she so scrawny because she could never manage to scavenge enough?
Ben is again at her side, his hand replaced at her back as he guides her to an empty table. She doesn't even really notice where they're going. But he's taking her tray from her and placing it in front of her seat. His eyes are worried and it's all she can do not to snort. He's the one who was looking at another woman. A prettier woman. And now he looks worried about her?
"Rey, did that man bother you?" he asks, danger weaving in his tone.
"What? No. It's … it's nothing." Suddenly she feels like a child and she won't let him know how much he's hurt her. Who cares if he looks? It's not like he touched her. She carries his daughter. She's special. He says he wants her. But for how long?
"Is it what he said, about you being my … girlfriend?"
Rey almost doesn't understand. Why would she care about that? It doesn't even begin to explain their situation, but at least it might keep that red-headed trollop away from him. On some level she knows she has to talk to him about this. She knows he didn't choose her any more than she chose him.
Except she did. She got into that coffin-like pod and sent herself to hell. For him.
The food is utterly appalling. There's nothing fresh, all reconstituted, and what is this sludge supposed to be? It looks like some sort of mashed root vegetable. He has to stop in the line, thinking hard, his eyes unseeing.
Rey can't eat this! She needs fruit and fresh vegetables, the best he can find for her. Why hasn't the doctor prescribed her a special diet? It's all just slop. Eventually he realizes he's simply standing there when an irritated Resistance woman clears her throat. He keeps moving and grimaces when one of the food-servers slathered with makeup smiles at him grotesquely.
He hurries along, trying to find anything that could be adequate for Rey and his child, making sure to add more of anything not completely revolting to his plate. She needs to eat more than she'd selected for herself.
Catching up to Rey, he immediately notices her stiff shoulders. Something is wrong. Maybe facing what they think of him is too much for her. He probably should have asked his mother about taking his meals in his room. Though, then he wouldn't know how inadequate the food is for a pregnant woman.
Rey seems almost dazed, so he chooses a table and nudges her forward with his hand at her back.
He'd felt giddy when she'd said she was his girlfriend. It's juvenile, but it made him puff up with male pride to have her claim him so readily. He wants something much more permanent, but he will happily take girlfriend. It implies exclusivity and while he thinks that's already clear, he's not entirely certain.
Rey's face is twisted in pain and he knows something is very wrong. She's said it's nothing, but … he has to know, so he asks if it's because of that man calling her his girlfriend. She just sort of blinks at him, like she doesn't understand the question.
He's about to try again when his hackles rise. The Force thrums with threat.
"Rey, come away from him," Dameron orders in a low, firm voice. He's behind Rey's back and his fists are clenched. Finn is behind him, his eyes moving between Rey, Dameron, and himself.
The fog clears and Rey turns her head over her shoulder, looking back at the pilot. She sighs and says, "I'm fine, honestly. But you're welcome to join us once you get your food." Her tone is dull.
Finn starts to move as if to take her up on her offer when Dameron puts a hand on his chest, stopping him. "All the credits in the galaxy wouldn't be enough to make me share a table with that sadistic piece of trash," Dameron snarls, jerking his head towards Ben. He's really going to have to do something about this idiot.
"Fine," Rey says through gritted teeth.
Finn tries to pull at his friend. "Come on, Poe-"
"No! You don't know what he did to me. And everyone around here is crazy to let him anywhere near her!" Ben might have felt badly for ripping into Dameron's mind at one point, but not any longer.
"I want to be here," Rey hisses fiercely, making him feel a bit better about her strange behavior.
"Exactly. He can do all sorts of things with that mumbo jumbo, tear things from your head. Who says he can't put something in there, too, huh?"
Ben is about to point out that that's never been one of his skills when she jumps to her feet and pokes her finger at Dameron. "I do!"
"Rey, please listen to me; you're just confused. You don't know what you're saying." Finn and Ben exchange looks. It would seem Dameron might take care of himself.
"You don't choose for me," she spits.
"Oh, so he does?" Dameron yells, pointing at Ben and Ben's brows rise. No, he won't have to do a thing. Finn is frantically shaking his head.
Rey's eyes narrow and she says in a disgusted voice, "I've lost my appetite." She strides away, not even looking back at Ben.
He sits there for a moment, not sure what to do. Should he follow? She'd seemed genuinely upset, maybe he should let her cool down? But he spent the whole afternoon away from her, and she has to eat.
Decision made, he stands swiftly, putting her plate on his own tray. He starts after her when Dameron steps in front of him.
"Stay away from her," he growls.
Oh, how he wants to just Force push this fool across the room. Instead, he slowly places his tray back on the table and turns to face Poe Dameron.
Very clearly he enunciates, "No."
"You're willing to drag her and her daughter down with you? Very selfless of you."
That lands a hit, but Ben keeps it off of his face. If he were a better man he never would have come, never made his child bear the burden of who her father is. But he's not, and he's certain he's a better man for Rey than this unstable flyboy.
Pitching his voice low, he darkly threatens through clenched teeth, "Listen very carefully, pilot. I can always get to you and no one would ever know it was me. One little Force pinch to just the right artery and it's permanent night for Poe Dameron. Leave my family alone."
With that, he steps around Dameron, making sure to slam his shoulder into the man who dares to try to get between him and Rey. He leaves the tray behind; he'll just venture out later to find her something better.
Furious tears fall down her face. How dare Poe talk to her like that? Like she can't make her own decisions? She thought he was better than that. In the back of head she knows it's just that he's worried for her, but did he have to be so condescending?
And Ben! Looking at that woman right in front of her. Couldn't he see how cruel that was? Right after he'd been so panicked because he didn't know how to find her, what does he do? Stare at the next set of tits he comes across.
Yes, this is better. Angry, she wants to get angry. Anger burns in a way that doesn't hurt. Rounding the last corner before her corridor she hears boots pounding and she turns to find Ben racing towards her.
"Rey! Are you alright?" he asks, stopping in front of her.
"Like you care!" she yells.
His head pulls back in shock. "What?"
"I thought I meant something to you!"
"You do! Gods, you mean everything to me; you both do," he declares desperately, trying to reach for her hands. She shoves her hands behind her back and looks at him warningly.
He looks so sincere and it twists the knife. How can she trust him if he can want another woman one moment then tell her she means everything to him the next?
"Right," she scoffs.
"Rey, I don't understand. What did I do?"
Sniffling, she says, "I saw you."
"Saw me what?" He looks utterly perplexed.
"I saw you looking at that woman's breasts!" she almost wails.
Ben blinks and opens and closes his mouth a few times. Carefully, he says, "I didn't."
"Don't lie! I saw you!"
"I swear, I didn't." He purses his lips before continuing, "And frankly, I'm getting rather tired of you accusing me of things then not believing me. What, precisely do you think you saw?"
"The server, the beautiful one. You just stood there, staring at her tits!"
He looks horrified. "What? No, no-"
"I know I'm not as pretty as all of the others. I know I'm too skinny, but I thought, maybe that that didn't matter to you."
"Wait, hold on. I'm extremely confused and I need a moment to put this all together." He scrubs at his face and Rey stands there with a hurt, mulish expression.
After a moment he looks to the ceiling before piercing her with keen eyes. "The mashed root vegetables. Was she the woman serving that?"
"Yes," she affirms shortly, her arms crossed in front of her.
"I was thinking. I don't know where my eyes landed, I was upset that the food wasn't nearly good enough for my twin stars."
That gets her, and she lets out a sob. He wasn't looking at another woman? He was worried about her?
"So you … you didn't think she was prettier?"
He throws his hands in the air. "Rey, I honestly couldn't pick her out of a group if I had to. She didn't even register. You're the most beautiful, perfect creature I've ever seen."
She frowns. That can't possibly be true, he's just trying to make her feel better. "I'm sure at least a few of the others were … better."
"You keep saying that. Who are these others you're talking about?"
"All the women you've been with, of course," she admits with a little shrug.
Ben can't say a word for a quite some time. She thinks … she thinks he's been with other women? The thought is abhorrent. He's only ever wanted her. "I haven't been with other women, Rey."
Her brows furrow and her eyes fill with confusion. "But … you're older, you … you …" she stutters out.
"Yes, I am older, but that doesn't change that you're the only woman I want to be with. That I hope will be the only woman I'm ever with," he responds, his voice heavy with meaning.
"But … but … look at you!" she bursts out.
He looks down at himself, trying to figure out what she means. All he sees is the nondescript clothing he'd purchased on Eshara. He looks up at her with a questioning expression.
Rolling her eyes she says, "Seriously? You're gorgeous."
He can't help it, he chokes out a short, mirthless laugh. He knows what he looks like. The other children in school always made him quite aware of it. "It's sweet of you to say, but I have occasionally looked in a mirror." Even he hears he self-loathing in his tone.
The confusion and conflict clears from her face, replaced with a sad sort of kindness. "Oh, Ben … no, no … you're beautiful."
He realizes she's serious and he doesn't know what to say. She steps up to him and reaches for him, one arm going around his neck and the other hand stroking his cheek. "You're the most handsome man I've ever seen. Everything about you, your hands, your body, your eyes … everything."
Somehow, her words go straight to his softest, most vulnerable places and he feels his eyes glaze with unshed tears. She's reached inside and found an aching wound, and somehow she's soothing it closed with her light.
Shuddering, he pulls her into his arms and buries his face in her hair. "Thank you," he murmurs against the skin of where her neck meets her shoulder. Rey is made of finer stuff than he will ever be and he knows he has to pull himself together. He needs to clear up this business about there being others—quickly.
He shifts so that he may see her face, blotchy from crying. Now he's the one to stroke her cheek and he says, "I need to very clear with you. Until you, I'd never cared much for … passion. It simply didn't interest me. But then you exploded into my life and turned absolutely everything upside down. For the first time I wanted. And oh, how desperately I want you. The first time we kissed, that was the first time I'd kissed anyone."
"You mean, it's really true? You … no one else has touched you like I do?"
"Only you, my l-darling."
For a moment her eyes look haunted, but then it's replaced by that damning confusion. "But why me? I'm nothing."
He closes his eyes briefly against the pain. The time is now, she needs to know. "I wish I'd never said that to you." He sighs heavily. But then he smiles softly down on her. "Why you? It's actually quite simple."
"How," she asks, seeming to hang on his words as if he held the answers to the very cosmos.
"Because I love you, Rey."
She gasps and her eyes go wide, then a tentative, shy smile pulls at her lips and she says, "I hoped you might."
He's getting lost in her eyes, so happy to have finally given his feelings voice that he doesn't respond.
"Do you know why I hoped?"
Drawing closer to her lips, he continues to stroke his fingers along the silk of her skin. "Hmmm, why?" Oh my love, my darling love …
Her face grows serious, but still so open. She whispers, "Because I love you, too."
"Wh-what?" he stutters out. Had she really just said that she … she … she loves him? No, he must have misheard."
Softly, with aching sincerity she repeats, "I love you."
Dear Maker, she really did say it. His whole world turns on its axis as he finally hears her. "You love me," he repeats dumbly.
"Mmmhmm," she murmurs with a smile.
He answers with his own wide, deliriously happy smile. "Rey …" he breathes out.
"Ben …" Her endless hazel eyes beckon him and he's completely under her spell.
He has no idea who moved first, but their lips crash together and they're kissing heatedly, both trying to infuse their caress with their feelings. It winds through him lazily at first, but then his fingers tighten against her, pulling her as close as he can.
Rey loves him!
A/N: Thank you my lovely ArtemisBare. I'm sorry I got it to you so late. The chapters are getting longer and I think I'm going to have to stop futzing around on Tumblr until 10:00 if I wanna stick with this chapter-a-day business.
Thank you readers! Everyone's reaction to 'orange sphere of frustration' brought me so much joy! I think each and every one of you is the absolute best. Thank you so much for riding the Ben Solo Pain Train!