Something was wrong. Dean appeared to have some sort of illness – however, angels couldn't get ill. Therefore, Adam resigned himself to wait. Maybe he was meeting Robert here somewhere, or he would eventually go to find him.
However, he couldn't help but notice something else.
He had heard Dean's scream (and he had been lucky to do so) but he couldn't feel him, couldn't identify him as an angel, not even now when he was able to see him through the eyes of his vessel. They must have done something to ensure they weren't recognized. He would have to inform John as soon as he could, but he would not risk alerting Dean by trying to do it now. First of all, he would observe.
It was really strange to see Dean writhing on the floor in obvious pain. As far as he knew, this had never happened to another angel; maybe it was a punishment for disobeying? But shouldn't it be easy to find the rebelling angels then?
Actually, the longer he watched as Dean suffered in silence, the more he wished he could do something about it, even though he knew what Dean had dared to do, that he had rebelled (Adam shuddered at the thought).
There was only silence. The scream that had alerted Adam was the only one Dean permitted himself to utter. He was seizing on the ground, his whole body shuddering, his eyes tightly close, mumbling to himself. Adam didn't understand what he was saying.
Neither did he know how long it kept going. John had given him no orders pertaining to this situation. He was supposed to find Robert. He had hoped that Dean could lead him to him, but if Dean was unable to do so, what should he do? Should he kill Dean? But John wanted to make an example of Robert. Perhaps he wanted to do the same with Dean. Should he take him to Heaven? But then he'd miss his chance to find Robert.
Then, suddenly, Dean was still. Adam, surprised, quickly knelt down at his side and looked him over. He didn't appear to be injured. What –
Suddenly, Dean sprang up, his angel blade appeared in his hand and Adam reeled back.
To his surprise, Dean had only waited for him to jump away before vanishing.
And then Adam realized that Dean might not have attacked him because he hadn't attacked Dean.
He was left in Alaska, terribly confused.
"Dig deeper. He is still fighting."
Dean was fighting, fighting against what they were doing to him, he didn't even know if this was still about Cas, about Sam, he only knew that he wanted it to stop hurting, the pain to go away, he hadn't deserved this, he couldn't deserve this, no one could, and the pain was not even the worst, no, the worst was that he was slowly forgetting where he was, he was forgetting anything but the pain, and then they told him things, things he was supposed to do, but he didn't want to –
Then, suddenly, the pain stopped and he was left lying on the slab, his whole Grace screaming out, but even then, he remembered, knew that he had to pay attention, that, if he ever got out, he might tell the others what he had overheard. Maybe the information would help them. He didn't think about being locked up in Heaven forever. He couldn't. He couldn't allow hopelessness to hinder him.
A good soldier never gives up. He smiled weakly as he realized that one of the lessons John had drilled into him was actually helping him.
"We will have to try something different..."
That didn't sound good. At all.
"There has to be a way. He can be a good soldier. Once we carve these doubts out of him."
"He's in a far worse condition than those I usually treat, John. He clings to the mindset. They normally don't. It must have something to do with the Righteous Man – "
"Yeah, about that. You're sure you can't extract his location from Dean's mind?"
"No. He's built such strong walls around everything to do with him it wouldn't surprise me if – "
"Do not talk of blasphemy in my presence."
"I am sorry."
Dean wished he didn't understand what they were implying –
He was vaguely aware that he was lying on the ground somewhere in Alaska and that the coldness was beginning to seep through his skin. The sigil. He was certainly feeling more and more like his vessel was his true body. It didn't matter. He had to go on. In case anything went wrong... Even if he... Sam and Bobby could take him. Definitely.
"So what do you suggest?"
The angel – Ava, Dean remembered suddenly, she and Sam had once been good friends before she was chosen for "special work", and he had never imagined how special – sighed.
"Let me try again."
As far as she could, she seemed to be sorry for him, but that didn't help when she started drilling into his skull again.
He had to remember. He had to. Had they done anything else, apart from torturing him? It seemed like they had. How long had they had him? They could easily control time. It could have been years. Still, he had to remember. For Cas.
"Bring him to us, Dean –"
"NO!" he screamed. If he took Cas to Heaven, they would hurt Cas too –
"But you know your orders – "
"I don't care!"
More pain than he had ever felt, if he had still been in his vessel he would have bled, and perhaps that would have been better, better than his Grace screaming in voiceless agony.
His body – his vessel. Right. They had brought it to him later. How much later? He didn't know. After – After what?
"Clearly, this is not working."
"John – "
"Think of something else before I start to wonder if perhaps treatment would do you good as well."
Of course Ava had tried even more after that, and then suddenly he was back in his vessel. He didn't understand, but they weren't hurting him anymore for the moment, and he was grateful.
Deep inside him, he knew he still had to listen, knew he had to get back to Cas. Deep inside him, he was thankful that he had sent away Sam just in time.
But it was difficult to remember, because on the surface, there were so many orders he was supposed to follow.
And here he was, in an abandoned warehouse, and Cas was looking at him – no, that wasn't Cas. Something was missing behind his eyes.
"Please, pleas don't take me –"
"I won't" he promised even as he pulled Cas towards him. No, he wouldn't take him to Heaven, he would –
Pain seared through him and Cas vanished.
"You fool".
It was John.
And so it went on.
It grew worse and worse.
And then they forced him to kill Sam, he watched as his blade plunged into his brother's chest and his Grace died.
You are doing the right. It kept repeating itself in his head, but he didn't believe it, couldn't believe it –
"Sammy – " he sobbed –
More pain.
He was getting closer. He knew because at this point, the thought of going further was all but unbearable. But what else was he supposed to do? Keep reading? Pray for a miracle? God had left them long ago. What they had done to him in Heaven proved that.
He was lying on the floor, gasping. He didn't know where he was, but he had just killed fake Sam and had brought fake Cas to Heaven, anything to make it stop hurting, and they were still not satisfied with him, he didn't know why –
He was a good soldier, he was a good angel, they fixed him –
They were talking, Dean wasn't supposed to listen, Dean wouldn't listen, John was his superior, he had to obey him, he had been wrong, so very, very wrong to rebel, the Righteous Man was only human, he had to obey Heaven, he had to –
"He's almost ready."
Ava, the good angel, she only did what was right, she hadn't meant to hurt him, she had fixed him, they had told him she had fixed him –
"Hurry. We need Castiel Novak."
"I will, but – " she sounded timid, no wonder, after all she was questioning her superior, she shouldn't do that, why would she do that –
"But?" John had a right to sound threatening, no soldier should act like she did, like Dean had, he had been wrong, so wrong, he didn't want the pain, no more pain, he couldn't take anymore pain, he was confused and dizzy, he didn't know what was going on around him, Father, i'll be good, why were they still hurting him, no they weren't, not at the moment, but he could still feel the needle, the needle, this needle, how it had stabbed and scratched and rolled around in his head, his Grace, he would always feel it –
"We do have a little more time, surely? I mean I would never but – it would be better if I took it slow this last time. To be sure I succeeded."
Better, that was better, she had to be obedient and good or some other angel would do to her what she had done to Dean, and he couldn't hate her for it because he had been bad, he had been so bad –
"You are right. Many things have to happen before Lilith will fall."
"What?"
"It is not important."
Dean retrated from his memories and lay completely still, breathing in the fresh air. That was it. Taht was what he had been searching for. John had mentioned Lilith.
Lilith will fall.
But why would he talk about it? And why should she fall? Lilith was working towards the Apocalypse, just like the angels. Why should she be an obstacle?
Unless...
Her death had something to do with unlocking the cage.
And then Dean felt the other angel near him. Leaning over him. He stayed still, then jumped up with his angel blade in hand.
Adam. John must have sent him. Of course he would; Adam was his golden boy, the soldier who could do no wrong –
But right now he had moved back because Dean had surprised him, and Dean would not harm a sibling if he hadn't attacked him. He had felt enough, had lived through enough what angels put other angels through.
He left, thanking his Father that they could no longer be traced.
Adam was left on the field, completely confused. Why hadn't Dean attacked him? He had had his angel blade ready; Adam hadn't. Dean could easily have dispatched him. He should have. After all, he must know why Adam was looking for him; that John had sent him. So why hadn't he done anything?
John had said that they were traitors, that they were fighting God's plan. But why hadn't Dean killed him? He was just another obstacle. From Dean's point of view, it would have been a good thing to get rid of him, especially since he hadn't even had his blade in his hand.
So why hadn't he killed him? Why had he just vanished?
And now he would have to look for them all over again. Adam spread his wings and resumed his search, somewhat less enthusiastically than before.
Dean all but crash-landed in front of the house. Cas stormed out immediately.
"Dean! What happened?"
He was clearly both angry and concerned, and Dean realized when he got up that he was shaking. Cas put a hand on his arm and squeezed.
"Dean?"
"I'm fine" he said, "Really, Cas, I'm fine. No psycho thoughts. I promise."
"You look – "
"I know. I got news. And you better renew the sigils once I'm in the house. They're looking for us."
Cas frowned but said nothing as he accompanied him inside.