Disclaimer:

I do not own anyone or anything associated with the Haruhi Suzumiya Series and whatever else I'm going to include here in this fanfic; they all belong to their respective creators - so no surprise there.

I'm just writing this down for my personal entertainment as well as for others.

Author's Note:

The following story which you will read may or may not have come from another fanfic author due to it's content; but I swear to God, I came up with this on my own, but nevertheless to anyone who thinks that I copied this off someone else, go ahead and hate me. But I'm telling the truth. By the way, this was a story that I posted a while back and then deleted because I became ashamed of it. And now? No, I'm not. There are also plenty out-of-character responses from Kyon.

Anyways, enjoy.

I hate Mondays. And my life.

I hate it and all the weirdness that has surrounded it. I hate the fact that I'm friends with a bookish alien, an ever-smiling esper, a moe time-traveller, and a supposed 'God' in a hyperactive schoolgirl form. I also hate the fact that I'm close to a bloody death, running towards the safety of my home. Which was in sight as my tired legs began to buckle. No! Not right now, my legs! Just please, hold on a bit longer... I'm almost there! Please! Just not yet!

Whatever was happening to me today was all Koizumi's fault. And yes, I didn't want to think about it. But I did.

One moment, everything was normal... or, as normal as I had accepted it to be. Hanging around with beings that shouldn't exist in the first place had changed my perspective on many things, namely that God can be a horrible, horrible club leader. The next, it was horrifying. Haruhi Suzumiya, founder of our ever so interesting brigade, had pounced on me with a look of desire on her beautiful features. And the look in her eyes had caught me off-guard.

It was a look of pure love. From our tangled position on the floor (I'm still surprised she hadn't broken my neck when we fell to the floor), I looked up in surprised pain, and saw that she was looming over me, licking her lips. The light from the ceiling made it hard for me to see her clearly as her face was shadowed, but the darkness revealed another yet disturbing facet of her new change of attitude - her pretty eyes were creepily glowing. I gasped.

The club room fell silent, but I could tell that everyone froze in place. It had happened so fast, so unexpectedly, that even I couldn't think straight. Haruhi? On top of me? In front of everyone else in the SOS Brigade? Normally, I'd feel repulsed and furious by the eccentric girl's sudden action, but this was different. She continued to lick her lips, and their constant twitching gave me the idea that she was excited and wanted to pull me into a long, passionate kiss.

Her gaze compelled me to look back into her eyes... but I broke it and looked around.

Koizumi sat where he usually did, mouth agape, the board game we were playing messed up and scattered across the floor and table. A dark look was on Asashina-san's face as her mind had finally registered what had happened to me. I'm so sorry you had to see this, Asashina-san. Look, I know we can't be together because of Haruhi and her ability to bend reality to her will, but it's odd for you to give me that look. It's going to be in my nightmares, honest!

As for Nagato... well, I wasn't even sure if she was paying any attention to the God and normal human sprawled across the floor. I did know however that she stopped reading the book she had with her - I could see that her eyes were fixed in place, as if trying to understand a word that was complex to her. Not that she had any problems understanding anything. She was a Humanoid Interface after all, though she lacked emotions... or did she now?

But I knew she had witnessed what had happened, and, if my eyes weren't deceiving me, she was... angry.

Back to the crazy girl on top of me. I noticed that she huffed jealously when I turned to look at the other members of the brigade. To me, it was strange - never for once, aside from me looking at Asashina-san, had I seen her get angry when I paid attention to the others. It was like as if she was telling me to focus on her. Which, in the light of recent events in context, was what I was supposed to be doing anyways. So I look into her eyes again, entranced.

Koizumi was the first to get his bearings back. The atmosphere was thick with silence and tension; so thick that I guessed even he didn't need to use his Esper powers to detect it. He looked around and racked his brains to find something to defuse the situation, hopefully in a completely safe way, but knowing the smiling smug bastard, he was probably thinking of a way to make my life even worse. That, or he was genuinely trying to help me out here.

"My my, Suzumiya-san. You acted very much like a Yandere towards Kyon just now."

Son of a... I'll kill you if Haruhi takes it the wrong way, because I know I'm the only one who's going to suffer later!

Haruhi reluctantly looked away from me and stared at Koizumi, unbeknownst to herself that she was wearing a lopsided-looking grin. Mikuru and Nagato both remained silent and frozen, so frozen in Mikuru's case that if I dared to look at her face again I was sure to see the Grudge instead, and so silent in Nagato's case I was sure to see the Grudge too. Maybe I got my knowledge about the ghost wrong, but still... it was unnerving to see them that way.

"I know, Koizumi. It's because... I am."

And that's why I was running away from the school at a break-neck speed long before we were dismissed from the club, leaving a clueless Taniguchi and Kunikida walking by the gates wondering what had overcome me. But I was too busy thinking. Haruhi? A Yandere for me, of all people? Good grief, and I thought my life was worse than before! Sure, having a loving girlfriend was a good thing, but an obviously obsessed and psychotically possessive one?

Another God must have been with me during that lengthy chase down that damned hill and towards my home; I ran the entire way non-stop!

I'm still running for my life. Not too far away behind me, I can hear the rapid footsteps and the heavy breathing of a flustered girl. I did not dare to look back and waste precious time. I had to go home, and fast. Haruhi (or was it still the Haruhi I knew? I'm not sure anymore, her powers might have influenced herself to act like this towards me) was hot on my trail. I had a feeling I couldn't shake her off, even if I did my best to - besides, she knew where I lived.

I am now at my house.

Finally, in a fluid motion, I grab the keys from their hidden spot, insert them in the hole, turned them and entered my house at the same time my legs finally gave way, causing me to fall on the floor hard. The door miraculously shut itself close, leaving me breathing hard on the floor almost laughing away in relief, when I remembered something I should have remembered sooner - that the world could be remade any moment by her because of me refusing her.

But it didn't, somehow. If there was anyone to tell me about it, it would be Koizumi, and as much as I now hated him, I wanted to know if the world had changed in anyway possible in the span of time I ran away from the angry Goddess. So, still panting from my run (which might look good on television, as I had appeared to everyone who didn't really know me that much that I was practicing for the Olympics or something), I called the annoying Esper.

"Kyon!? Oh, thank goodness you're still alive!"

"No thanks to you, you bastard! What in the world made you say that Haruhi acted like a Yandere to me?!"

"I... to be honest, she did act the part! I'm so sorry! I didn't know my comment would affect her this strongly!"

"Great! Just great! When I get my hands on you, I'm going to-"

At this point I hung up the call for Koizumi's sake (he was still a friend you know, and a useful one at that) and screamed obscenities in the air, getting my feelings out of my chest. It was a good thing my family wasn't in that moment; otherwise, my little sister would be traumatized, my mother would be terrified, and my father would beat me up while asking me what I've done to his real son. After I've finally calmed the hell down, I called him again.

"Y-Yes, Kyon?"

"Have any Closed Spaces appeared yet? And are there any changes to the world we are in?"

"Surprisingly, no, not at all. It's like Suzumiya-san-"

I then hung up on him for good when I heard it. Ah, good news. It was then when I realized something. I was still going to put up with this tomorrow. And today happened to be the first school day of the first week of the first month of the year. Now how am I supposed to deal with it for the rest of the school year? And I didn't exactly like the looks Mikuru and Nagato had given me and Haruhi earlier... if looks could kill, we would've been both dead by now.

Speaking of Haruhi... where did she go?

I suddenly felt a weight around my waist. I paled; I knew who it was. I was trapped in my own house with her.

Haruhi was straddling me. Leaning too close to my face, I can easily see she had gone off the deep end of the sanity spectrum by just looking at her glowing, yet shadowed eyes. I gulp as I feel her breath on my face. She smells nice. I wonder if she tastes nice too- No, Kyon, thinking of her this way is wrong. You don't love her. But she loves you. Madly. She then puts her hands on my shoulders, preventing my tired body from rising to resist her love.

"Hey there, sexy. Shall we get it on?"

My fate is sealed. It's raping time.