***Please note: in all likelihood there will be no update next Monday as I'm going on vacation. I'm sorry!***
Kylo knows he should go to bed, but instead he keeps obsessively checking to see if she's responded to his message. He'd hoped that after their brief contact she would be moved to reach out to him. But it's well past midnight and she's not written anything. He's staring out his viewscreen, remembering that this is the very spot where he'd first kissed her …
So much has happened since then that he can't quite believe that it has only been two days since his lips first touched hers. He'd not known that it was possible to feel such aching desire and deep love at the same time. He flexes his hands, remembering how the Bond had licked against his palms. He swallows and checks again for a message.
He startles awake and realizes he must have slept for some portion of the night. When he'd gone to bed, she still hadn't responded to his message. He lunges from the bed to check. There. She's replied.
I'm not ready to see her. Thank you for the candy.
He reads it over and over again. It's painfully short, but he hadn't expected anything else, really. He's surprised that she doesn't want to find her mother immediately, but then he remembers how deeply Rey had been hurt by the knowledge that she'd been thrown away.
He reads her message again. She wasn't angry that he'd left a package at her door. Perhaps he could have the kitchens send her another special dessert tonight? Or he could go down to Vren before they leave, find something for her … no, he shouldn't press. But oh how he wants to. Selecting things for her had been one of his favorite ways to stave off his loneliness.
There is a meeting with the war council first thing this morning, so Kylo begins to ready himself for another day of missing Rey.
"We should move immediately, decisively!" General Jehan's hologram says emphatically. Kylo wonders if he should have invited his knights to participate. Palek might be able to help keep the blood-thirsty general calm. He remembers the immense knight saying that Jehan is a bit zealous.
"Yes, I agree. We cannot allow such an action to go unaddressed. We are at a tipping point with the galaxy. After Starkiller, it was only our superior fleet that allowed us to subdue our territory. We're in the midst of a number of tense negotiations and it would be impractical to pursue a military solution for each situation. We cannot be seen as weak." This comes from General Prost. He tends to say what Hux is thinking. Kylo hopes that is not the case today, as he would prefer not to contradict Hux in front of the war council, but it is quite likely that he will need to.
"Speaking of these negotiations, it would be extremely helpful if we were to walk back our recent … adjustments to policy," General Zallten's hologram chimes in.
Kylo's gaze snaps to Zallten's image. "Meaning?"
"To put it bluntly, Supreme Leader, it is not always feasible to eradicate slavery at the outset."
"That is non-negotiable," Kylo states firmly.
"But if we took a more gradual approach, it would allow us to make more headway with certain systems," Zallten argues.
"It is non-negotiable," Kylo says icily.
Zallten purses his lips but relents. "As you say, sir."
The generals continue to debate and squabble and Kylo tunes them out. He knows he won't order that they retaliate but he lets them have their say. Eventually he hears Hux begin to speak.
"Generals, after hearing all that you have to say, it is my suggestion that we pull back and discover how the Resistance gained such specific intelligence. The attack was nearly surgical in its precision and required extensive knowledge of ship systems and fleet movements. Additionally, given the depth of the leak, it is extremely odd that they did not attack the Finalizer. They must know this is the Supreme Leader's ship. We need to find the spy or spies before we take any action."
Kylo is surprised that Hux has suggested the same course of action he had been planning to order. He'd been certain that Hux would agree with the other generals, but he has surprised him. It is very strange that the Resistance didn't attack the Finalizer. Time has distanced him from the event, and now he sees the bigger picture; he sees that they could have easily mounted a rescue, but they didn't. Why? It isn't like Leia Organa to leave someone behind, especially when he knows that Rey is dear to her.
"General Hux is correct. For now we do nothing," Kylo declares.
"No! We must not be so cowardly!" General Jehan fumes. Her nostrils flare and there's murder in her eyes.
Kylo is about to show the fanatical general why she will accept this when Hux again speaks. "General Jehan, your commitment to the First Order is commendable, but surely you must see what would happen if we moved now? The Resistance would, in all likelihood, be alerted, and we would be walking into a trap. We must clean our own house first, as it were."
Jehan crosses her arms and glares at Hux.
"We will proceed as General Hux has suggested. Begin ship-wide investigations. Find me the traitor. We will continue to monitor Resistance movements and act if it becomes necessary. You are all dismissed," Kylo orders.
There is an uneasy silence but, one by one, the projections disappear and he's left in his hall with only Hux.
"Thank you, General," Kylo offers.
The other man seems caught off guard and narrows his eyes. "For what, sir?"
"You handled the other generals well and your analysis of the situation matched my own."
"Well, yes … as you say, sir." Hux is obviously unbalanced, and Kylo thinks perhaps he's found a new way to needle the annoying man.
"It's time to rejoin the fleet," Kylo changes the subject.
Hux tilts his head. "I thought we would be pursuing the latest lead on the girl's parents," he says with asperity.
"Not at this time." Kylo would prefer to finish the task he set for himself and locate Rey's family, but she has said she's not ready so he will respect that.
"We will be underway immediately, sir." Hux is obviously pleased with this development. At least someone is happy today.
He's back in his office, wondering what she's thinking about. Speaking with Vitok had helped considerably. He just needs to show Rey that he won't control her and then she'll let him back in. It will only be another day or so; he's sure of it after their brief contact last night. He'd felt that she misses him. It won't be a month. It won't even be a week. Yes, soon he will again hold her to him and feel her sweet lips.
His comm chirps. "Sir, she's leaving her rooms with KS-2153," a voice he doesn't know informs him.
"Route the feed to my datapad."
"Immediately, sir."
He snatches up the device greedily. He's going to see her! The image comes up and he sees as she and KS-2153 make their way down the corridor. He watches, taking in everything. Her hair is braided down her back and she's wearing a pale pink dress with a delicate overlay of lace. It's the loveliest thing he's ever seen her select and he frowns. Where is she going dressed like that?
Then he notices the ribbon around her neck and he relaxes. She's chosen to continue to wear his gift. He will need to have the necklace repaired once she will see him. He smiles as she unconsciously rubs her fingers along her chest, where the gems must rest beneath her gown. The odd pair moves down the hallway and a few stormtroopers stare at Rey. His eyes narrow beneath his mask. He will need to issue a standing order that Rey is not to be stared at.
Panic tears through him as he realizes they're nearing medical. Is Rey hurt? Is she ill? She appears to be fine, but why would they be going there?
They enter the med bay and Rey talks with the doctor on duty. Kylo wishes he could hear what she's saying. He watches in confusion as they're led to … Wylan Ren. She's visiting Wylan. How does she even know he's there? He jumps to his feet as fury takes him over. No, Rey will not spend time with that man. He won't allow it. He doesn't care that he's shut out; this cannot continue, regardless of her need for time.
He's striding to his office door when he realizes she would know he's watching if he arrived in medical. She would make him stop and he knows he cannot cope if he doesn't know where she is at all times. The indecision is agonizing. He won't let her spend time with Wylan, he won't. But he can't reveal that he has her under surveillance.
This is the only way that he may see her and the prospect of losing this access forces him to return to his desk. He clutches the datapad and continues to watch, his teeth clenched. Now Rey is sitting by Wylan's unconscious form and her face is twisted in concern. He snorts in derision. Wylan does not deserve her concern. If she only knew what sort of person he was. Power hungry, never caring what anyone else thinks, doing what he pleases. Oh how he hates Wylan Ren. He should have begged Snoke to leave him behind at the Academy.
Rey is saying something to the still man, and Kylo has to remind himself that he will find out everything she is saying when KS-2153 reports to him this evening. He tries to focus on how beautiful Rey looks today when a cold thought whips through him. Had Rey dressed so nicely for Wylan? Small objects around the room begin to vibrate.
Then time slows as he watches Rey reach out and take Wylan's hand. She's touching him. At first he can't quite comprehend what he's seeing. Those perfect fingers that feel so good against his face, in his hair, they're curling around Wylan's. She's touching him. This can't be happening. He should have killed him, to hell with how it would have looked to the other knights. Wylan Ren deserves to die. He wants to take up his saber and destroy, but he doesn't dare miss a moment of Rey so he makes himself watch.
She's saying something to Wylan once again. She strokes her thumb across the back of his hand and Kylo feels as if those soft, gentle hands have reached into his chest and torn his heart in two. She's touching him. Her hands, her sacred hands, are touching another. Those fingers that glide across his cheek and steal his breath are wrapped in Wylan Ren's hand. She's touching him. He can't do this. He can't handle this. She's shut him out and she's with another man. Oh Maker, please make it stop.
He can't control himself any longer. The desperate jealousy bubbles from him and he howls in rage. She's touching him. He flings the datapad across the room and it shatters. He hears someone trying to get in. He doesn't care. He screams as he flips his desk then Force pushes it into the wall. His power wells from him in pulsing waves and, in a few seconds, every piece of furniture in his office has been turned to scrap.
She's touching him. His saber is ignited and he plunges it into the wall, wishing it was Wylan's chest. He pulls back and strikes again. Over and over, he hacks and stabs, imagining Wylan's body torn into a million pieces. His blood, painting the walls.
But it still isn't enough to calm him. She's touching him. He hurls his saber and it is impaled into the bulkhead, hissing and spitting. He pulls his helmet from his face and throws it across the room as well. He roars, his powerless anguish pouring from him, causing the detritus to whirl dangerously around the room. She's touching him. He's panting and shaking and it's all he can do to keep himself from battering against the Bond. She must not know he's seen.
Hux breaks through the door and stumbles into the destroyed room. "Supreme Leader!"
Kylo doesn't respond, only reaches out with the Force and calls his saber to him. She's touching him. Again he swings his saber, this time into the decking.
"Stop that! Stop that right now, you infuriating infant!" Hux yells.
Stab, slash, hack. In the metal flooring, molten orange trenches widen with each frenzied attack.
"You'll break through to the deck below! Dammit, man, get control of yourself!"
She's touching him.
"Kylo Ren, I will not have you destroy my ship over a woman!" Hux bellows.
Kylo doesn't care. She's shut him out and chosen someone new. He was foolish to think she'd ever want him. The metal is beginning to pool and he stabs his saber deep into the deck. His weapon is stuck and he screams as he Force pushes against the durasteel of the opposite wall. He staggers as he feels the Finalizer lurch beneath his boots.
"That's it, I've had it," Hux growls, and everything goes black.
Kylo splutters awake, confused by the feeling of water on his face. He blinks and gasps and the room swims into view. He's flat on his back; Hux is looming over him holding a water jug and looking very irritated indeed. Then he sees Vitok's mask―she's bent over him as well.
"Are you quite through?" Hux enquires with pinched disapproval.
Kylo struggles and eventually he sits up. He feels a bit groggy and he can't quite remember what had happened. Then he sees Rey. He scrambles to his feet and moves to her swiftly. It's such a relief to see her. He wants to sweep her into his arms and never let her go.
"Rey!" He reaches for her.
She shrinks back but says nothing and her expression is guarded. His mind is clearing and he realizes it's very strange that she's here. She had been with Wylan. He feels a rekindling of the rage but he reminds himself that Rey is here, not with him. He must control himself; he mustn't frighten her away.
"Rey … I'm so glad to see you, but why are you here?"
She wraps her arms around herself and finally says, "When the ship moved like that, I reached out but you weren't there. I was worried … more than worried. So I made Kes bring me here … I didn't know where else to go. You wouldn't respond; the Bond was just … empty." Her eyes are haunted. He wonders why he had been unconscious and realizes she's just revealed the Bond to Hux. Marvelous.
Kylo reluctantly turns to Hux and finds the general's expression speculative.
"What happened?"
"I stunned you, of course," Hux says matter-of-factly.
Kylo exclaims, "You stunned me?"
"You were about to find yourself on the deck below and you were rocking the entire ship. It was stun you or let you continue to tear the Finalizer to bits. Given the fact that your little tantrum was felt on all decks, it seemed prudent to act. Sir."
He should be furious, but instead he's … embarrassed. He looks around his office and sees the extent of his destruction. It appears that nothing survived his rage. And now Rey has seen it.
Kylo shifts his attention back to Rey. She seems … afraid. He wants to talk with her but Vitok and Hux are right here. He looks into her eyes and they're wide with conflict and confusion. She fiddles with her dress and looks around quickly, seeming like a frightened animal.
Vitok steps forward. "Perhaps I should take Rey back to her quarters."
"No!" Kylo nearly shouts, but then he remembers himself. "No … I will see her to her quarters. If that is acceptable to you, Rey."
She worries her bottom lip before answering, "Uhm. Alright."
Hux sighs with exasperation. "I will, of course, have this," he gestures to the ruined office, "Taken care of during your absence."
Kylo doesn't respond, focused on Rey. Will she take his arm? Will she grant him such a gift? He walks to where his helmet had landed and is about to pick it up when he feels eyes on him. He looks to Rey and finds her watching him. If he didn't put it on, perhaps that would please her? He leaves it as it is and returns to Rey's side.
He indicates that she should precede him. She pauses but then she walks past him. She's chosen not to touch him. He pushes down his disappointment and comforts himself with simply being able to be near her. They walk through the door and he ignores how the entire bridge stares at seeing him again unmasked.
They're walking through the corridors and he's trying to stay focused. Rey is right next to him and his hands itch to reach for her. He remembers what it felt like to have her fingers wrapped around his arm and he tries to tell himself that she'll relent soon.
He's startled when she timidly asks, "Was it because of me?"
"Was what because of you?" He has no idea what she's talking about.
"What happened … in your office. Was it because of me?" she repeats.
It was far too much to hope that she wouldn't ask why he had so completely lost control. He should have understood immediately that he would need to explain. This is not going to go well for him. He's alarmed by how fearful she seems. Had she seen any of it? When did she arrive? Is she afraid of him? The corridor is empty so he stops them walking and turns to her.
He looks into her exquisite eyes and tries not to lose himself in their depths. He wants to tell her how much he has missed her, how he loves her, but he knows he's on borrowed time. She'd asked if his behavior was because of her. He supposes some could say that it was.
Finally he answers her. "In a way. But perhaps … would you permit me to come in and talk with you when we reach your rooms? I would prefer not to have this conversation in the hallway." It is likely to end with her screaming at him.
She tenses and looks around frantically. He almost wishes he hadn't asked; she seems truly terrified at the prospect of being alone with him. He pushes aside the ragged tear through his devotion.
Her eyes glimmer with green and gold as she stammers out, "I … don't know. I wasn't ready to see you yet. I just got so scared when you wouldn't respond through the Bond." She steals her perfect eyes from him as she looks down "I don't … I don't think I should."
They're standing very close and the pull is wrapping around him; his hands, his heart, his instincts are begging him to act. Her eyes are liquid with confused yearning. Hesitantly, he reaches up and cups her cheek with his gloved hand. He's so grateful when she doesn't pull away.
He strokes his fingers along her skin and she turns her head. She's almost nuzzling his hand and he's breathing shallowly. He fiercely wishes he wasn't wearing his gloves; he needs to feel her skin. He's not sure when he'll next be able to touch her, and he wants to experience this moment to the fullest. But even through the leather, feeling her under his fingers is healing all of his tattered places and the howling terror is quieting. He brings his other hand to her face. "I promise, I'll leave when you ask me to. I'll give you all the time that you need."
She looks at him with surprise. "You will? Truly?"
"Yes, I won't push you to see me again until you're ready."
She breathes in quickly and her fingers fly to his wrists. "You'll go when I say?"
"I promise." He strokes both cheeks, trying not to fall into her eyes.
She pulls his hands from her face, tangling her fingers with his. "Even if you're not ready?"
"Even then," he says gently as he squeezes her hands. No matter how difficult it will be for him.
She catches his eyes. "Okay."
Rey keeps his hand in hers as they continue walking.
He's back in her rooms, sitting next to her. He'd removed his gloves immediately upon entering. It's so wonderful to be in her presence again, but if he's forced to tell her he was watching her it really might be a year before he would again feel his luminous Rey. He's exceptionally apprehensive.
Rey looks at him and she seems almost guilty. "Was it my fault?"
He's confused by her question and her demeanor. "Why would you think that?"
"General Hux told me you were so upset that you made the ship rock. Was it me? Did I make you feel like that? Was it … because I asked for time?" she asks in a small voice.
Now he sees. She's afraid that his behavior is her fault. She's not afraid of him―no, in a way she thinks she's hurt him again. And, in a way, she did. But he knows she didn't intend to. "No … no, it wasn't that you asked for time. You had every right to ask for that."
"I did?" she asks, her eyes wide with shock.
"Yes … I … I shouldn't have kept your things like that … the images. I know it was wrong of me and I understand now why you need time. I don't like it, but I do understand. And I will honor your wishes. I will try to always honor your wishes from now on, Rey."
"Oh." She blinks quickly and looks at her hands. She's quiet before raising her eyes to his. "Then … then what was it?"
He sighs. "You aren't going to like this. I don't think clearly when it comes to you."
"So it was my fault." Her shoulders fall.
"Not precisely." Now that his temper has run its course he sees that she likely didn't mean anything by holding Wylan's hand. He hates that she'd done it, but there wasn't anything genuinely wrong with her conduct.
"I don't understand. If it wasn't that I sent you away, why did you get so terribly upset?"
He looks away. He wishes he didn't have to tell her this. He wishes he'd never asked to know her movements. He should have simply ordered that she not be allowed to leave the ship. He remembers Vitok saying he'd violated Rey's privacy and he doesn't like the tight feeling in his chest. Finally he admits, "I was ... I was watching you. When you visited Wylan Ren."
"What?" she gasps out.
"I know, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have done it. I just miss you so much―I had to see you!"
"You were spying on me?" She pulls away, putting more space between them. His hands lift involuntarily, wanting to bring her back, but he consciously puts them back in his lap.
"I … yes. I was afraid. Afraid you would run from me."
"I told you I wouldn't leave!" she blazes.
"I know, I know … I just … I'm so scared I'm going to lose you." It took him so long to find her.
"I'm not yours to lose!" she spits furiously.
"Yes, you are!" She's even acknowledged that there's something between them. He knows she's his. He knows it.
"No, don't you dare start with that again. I don't belong to anyone!" She crosses her arms across her chest and her eyes flash with fire.
"I don't mean that I own you! I mean … dammit." He scrubs his face with his hands. "Don't you understand? I'm yours. I'm utterly yours, heart, body, mind, soul. Every bit of me is yours. From the moment I first saw you, I was yours. I didn't know what was happening to me. I was acting in ways I never would have. Honestly, Rey ... it's almost like madness, the need I feel for you. My reason left me on Takodana. Everything I've done since is because I love you beyond comprehension."
Her eyes have grown very wide and he silently pleads for her to see who she is to him, to understand his words. They're each other's. They have to be. She leans towards him slightly and he shifts. Now they're sitting close again. She's blinking slowly and her hand rises slowly. He thinks she's about to touch him, but then her expression grows hard.
"Hunting, kidnapping, spying … that doesn't sound like love to me," she says.
He clenches his eyes shut briefly. How can he make her understand that he's only done what he has because he cannot, will not, live without her?
He stands in frustration and begins to pace. She watches him move back and forth. Finally, he stops and says, "I chased you, kept your things, watched you because I can't survive without you. Every single day since Starkiller, you are all that I think about. Your things, the images … selecting gifts for you, it was the only way I could keep from falling apart. When you shut me out I had to be able to see you, know where you are. I was desperate; I didn't know what else to do!"
While he's been talking her expression has moved from anger to cold contemplation. It makes him very wary.
"You always say that."
"Say what?"
"That you didn't know what else to do. It's like you think that excuses it. That because you couldn't come up with a better solution than hunting, kidnapping, or spying, that justifies your actions."
He blinks quickly. He's not sure what to say to that. He doesn't really comprehend what she's saying.
When he doesn't say anything, she continues, "From what you've just told me, the fact that you want something makes it alright for you to do whatever you need to do in order to get it. Did you ever consider not taking me the way that you did?"
"But then you wouldn't be with me!"
Her face fills with sadness. "We'll never know, will we?" she states wistfully. "You never really gave me the chance to do anything other than run from you."
"I … I didn't mean … I …" He hates that she'd always run from him. Is she saying that she might have come to him if he'd not chased her? He shakes his head, trying to clear the confusion.
She rises and comes to stand in front of him. "I should be angrier than I am about the spying. But I'm honestly not surprised. I'd like you to stop, but I won't ask you to. You'll just find some other way to get what you want. You always do." She looks diminished and he's filled with shame. He'd never meant to make her feel like this.
"No … I'll stop. I won't … I won't watch any longer. I only did it the one time." He thinks of KS-2153 … Kes, and for a moment he can't meet Rey's eyes.
"Well, I hope that's true." Her tone is resigned.
"It is! I promise."
"Hmm." She takes in a deep breath. "You still haven't explained why you got so angry."
His jaw clenches as he remembers her hand on Wylan's. "You were touching him," he nearly growls.
"What? No I … oh, I did hold his hand for a moment, but … wait, you destroyed your office and Force pushed an entire Star Destroyer because I held an injured man's hand?" she asks with incredulity.
"It was Wylan," he spits. The shame is leaving him, replaced by a very familiar resentment.
"So? He was nice to me on Vren. Kes told me he was in the med bay and I needed to get out of my quarters." She gestures to her sitting room. -
"You were touching him! You wore that beautiful dress for him!" he accuses.
She grabs at her skirt. "I'm wearing this dress because Kes picked it out for me."
"Oh. I thought …"
"You thought that after a brief conversation with a man I'd only met once, I, what, got tarted up just in case the man with a crushed neck fancied a go?" Her hands are on her hips and her lip is curled in contempt.
"I didn't know what to think! I don't thinkwhen it concerns you." He runs his hands through his hair.
"No, you really don't. For the record, Kylo, I am Bound to you. I have no idea what is going to happen with us, but I certainly have no intention of throwing myself at random men, and I cannot believe you thought I would." She's breathing hard and she's glaring at him.
"You're right. I'm sorry. I … I see that it was innocent, I just … I can't bear the thought of another man touching you." He wants so badly to pull her to him, to wipe away all the hurt and confusion with the bliss of connection.
"He's unconscious; he didn't touch me. And if you try to tell me I literally can't touch someone just because they happen to be male, then you can add that to the list of reasons I need time away from you." She points a finger at his chest and he takes a step back.
"No … I don't mean that … it's just that it's Wylan." He would prefer she never touch another man regardless of the circumstance, but he knows that's unreasonable.
Rey cocks her head to the side. "What is it with you two, anyway?"
How can he possibly explain years of acrimony? He purses his lips. "We've hated each other since we were boys. You may think he was nice to you, but I promise he is not someone you wish to know. He's selfish. He only cares about what he wants, he never thinks about anyone but himself. He undermines me at every opportunity."
Rey looks at him keenly. "How did Wylan get hurt?"
Kylo freezes. She won't like this, either. "He disobeyed a direct order," he says tightly.
Her jaw drops. "So you landed him in the med bay?"
"He … he provoked me. He knew what he'd done on Vren; he knew he'd made you run from me!" he exclaims defensively.
She rolls her eyes. "No, you made me run from you; he's just the one who told me what you were up to."
"It wasn't his place!"
"So you're going to torture your knights into compliance, just like Snoke?"
"No! I don't agree with his methods. I just … I lost control." His hands flail helplessly.
She looks into his eyes for a long time. He watches as her temper calms. Eventually her brow furrows in concern and she steps closer to him. "Kylo … it's not even been two days and you tried to kill a man and completely destroyed your office. You were so unhinged that you put the whole ship in danger. I'm … I'm worried about you."
"I don't know how to do this," he whispers. He hangs his head. He hates how he loses his temper; he's never been able to handle strong feelings. And no one has ever made him feel things more intensely than Rey. He knows he has to find a way to keep his head, show Rey that he is capable of respecting her wishes. But he's terrified that maybe he isn't. That he truly isn't capable. Maybe he can't keep himself away from her.
Finally she takes pity on him and she reaches up to stroke his cheek. His eyes flutter shut and he presses his face against her hand. Oh how he needs this, needs her. "It's not forever. But the things you've done … everything I have to give up to be with you ... For a moment I thought you might finally be listening to me, but then I find out you were spying on me. I need to think, but more than that I need to know that you will respect my wishes, that you won't keep trying to control me. I need to know that you can give me space. And if I have to worry about you literally destroying the ship … that's not space."
He looks into her unfathomable eyes and she continues to trail her fingers along his face, now tracing his jaw. "I want to give you space. I do. I just … you said it might be a year." He lets the anguish he's been feeling seep into his tone.
She drops her hand from his face and his panic is only checked when she laces her fingers through his. "No, it won't be a year. It's all just moved so fast. I need to figure out what I'm feeling and I can't do that when I'm with you. Even now, when I'm quite angry with you, I just want to kiss you. How am I supposed to untangle myself with you around?"
He draws his thumb across her palm. "You could just spend all of your time with me and not worry about it?" he offers hopefully.
"That is not a solution. I'm serious. I need this. But I need to know you're going to be alright."
"I honestly don't know if I am … Having you near and not being able to see you, talk to you. I was sincere when I said I don't know how to do this."
"I need you to find a way."
"I know you do." He takes in a shuddering breath. "And I will. I have always said I would do anything for you, and if it is my absence you require of me, then you shall have it."
"You won't kill anyone or destroy the ship?"
"No … I will control myself." He's not entirely certain as to how, but he will find a way to endure this time away from her.
"Thank you," she says, and gives him a genuine smile. He finds himself smiling back.
She looks away, and then she's threading her arms around his waist. He's impossibly grateful that she's going to let him hold her. He returns her embrace and presses her close to him. He needs all that she will give him. She lays her head on his chest and he tries to store it all away. "You promise it won't be a year?"
"I promise. We'll see each other soon," she says into his surcoat.
They keep holding each other, and he wants for this moment to never end. But then she's pulling back and the panic is starting again. She doesn't step away from him, though. Instead she looks up and holds his eyes. "I don't really know what to think about how you say that you feel about me, but … I do care for you. Do you know that?"
He's shocked by how his throat grows tight at her admission. He knows she doesn't love him. There's a part of him that thinks she never could. He's not blind to who he has become. He was willing to simply spend his life making her as happy as he could. He can love enough for both of them. But hearing that she cares for him … it makes the coming days … or weeks, seem less bleak.
He swallows past the lump in his throat. "No … I didn't know that."
"I have for a long time," she says softly.
He takes her face in his large hand. "And I have loved you my whole life, I simply didn't know it yet."
Her eyes widen and that lovely blush stains her cheeks.
"I hope you will believe me soon," he murmurs.
Gently, he turns her face towards his. He holds her eyes then slowly lowers his lips to hers, so that she can stop him if she wishes. She doesn't, and soon he's kissing her. He feels as her arms tighten around him and he pulls her as close as he can. He draws his tongue along her lower lip and presses into her. She makes a little sound of contentment and he swirls his tongue against hers. He loves how hot her mouth is. Kissing her is infinitely more pleasurable than anything he's ever experienced.
Her hands knead into his back and now he's moaning into her mouth. He's grown quite hard and it's very difficult not to grind against her. He tears his lips from hers and kisses her neck, sucking at her delicious skin as she clings to him. Oh Maker, knowing this is what is waiting for him on the other side of this exile might just be enough to get him through.
It's spiraling quickly now and he's walking them back to her settee while he continues to feast on her mouth. She stops him, panting. "No, we have to stop."
"Why?" he nearly whines.
"I'm still mad at you." She backs away a bit but keeps her hand on his arm. "It's time for you to go."
"Just a little longer, please? We don't have to … we can just sit and talk."
"No … it's time."
He remembers that he promised he would leave when she said. He looks into her eyes and oh how he wants to kiss her again. But she takes him by the hand and pulls him to the door. He retrieves his gloves and tells himself that this is much better. She's said it won't be too long, she seems to understand a bit about why he'd kept her things. He's not leaving in the midst of a storm of confusion and pain. He can do this. He will do this. For her.
Kylo forces himself to walk through her door. He turns to look at her and he only just keeps from flinching from the memory of the door closing on her face. This time, though, instead of her eyes being full of anguish, she gives him a small smile.
"I'll see you soon," she says.
"I … I will miss you very much."
"I'll miss you, too," she says as she closes the door.
The last thing he sees are her eyes soft with affection. Yes, he can do this.
A/N: Thank you to my simply superb beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. Her comments on this week's chapter had me in stitches and she really helped me tighten this one up.
Thank you to my fantastic readers! I hope you all know how much I value you. That you give your time to my story never ceases to amaze and humble me. Thank you.