This chapter made me cry….
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Chapter 25: Overwhelming
So I lie to her, tell her that I am not that into him anymore…
ALICE: So what about you, are you still into Jacob?
'I have changed' I say… I have moved on to be stronger and fixed.
I lied because as soon as I get the opportunity my eyes travel around the room to find him. If he misses me as heartedly as I miss him then he is doing a brilliant job beating it. I catch him laughing with Leeland and it breaks my heart. Four-eyed bitch, does she even know she's in the presence of royalty.
Later I would see him having a smoke at the balcony all by himself. I would love to join him but Edward beats me to it. Yes as you have guessed this prompts more of a response from me. Even though I can't hear what it is they are saying their body language is enough to give me that heavy ache inside that lets me know it is not all that well…
JACOB: Emmett tells me you've quit.
Referring to the cigarette in his mouth.
EDWARD: Not exactly quit. Apparently, second hand smoke is more dangerous because you don't puff it out and I don't wanna risk anything you know.
Jacob gives him that strange look; Edward's meaning and objectives confuse him.
EDWARD: I mean I still do it's just not when I'm around Bella.
JACOB: I don't get it… smoking has never seemed to bother her before. Is this some kind of sick, romantic idea done so you can feel like you deserve her?
There's no disguise of the bitterness in Jacob's voice. It seems he no longer intends to hide the prejudice he feels because of this relationship. But Edward is no fool for anyone and don't mistake him for a two time loser either… he knows how to play the game.
EDWRAD: Well that too but I know it cannot be good for the baby…
Jacob interrupts Edward as soon as the gun inside of him goes off and the confusion in his mind clouded his eyes that he doesn't care about giving himself away or ruining his lifelong friendship with Edward… all he needed to know is…
JACOB: What baby?
EDWARD: Bella hasn't told you… she's pregnant… oh I'm sorry we're pregnant.
It's that quick turn that he mastered finding me in my 'not so discreet corner after all' plus the look he had in his eyes that screamed at me with betrayal.
And I get it. I get hurt and offended by myself and I don't remember to rationalize why it's Jacob I feel I have betrayed… he's not the one I am with.
JACOB: No, she didn't say anything.
He casts his eyes to the floor. He looks dismayed enough to make me think for the first time since I have known him that he too feels for me the way I feel for him… the first time that's it's written in his face… after I battled, rattled myself trying to figure out if he did, if he could.
It's just my luck that I should see it now when I am pregnant with his best friends child and now when I am a confirmed presence in his life.
EDWARD: She probably was thinking I was going to tell you.
Its deceitful Edward knows but it's his own way of seeking victory. His friendship with Jacob now seems like a small price to pay when weighed against his love for me.
JACOB: Yes cos why would she right?
It's as good a time as any Edward has decided. To Jacob- it's time he comes clean about what he knows and about his intentions even it kills them as friends, this is a sacrifice that is necessary.
EDWARD: No I am lying.
JACOB: What?
EDWARD: I wanted to be the one … to tell you what life Bella and I were building for us.
JACOB: What are you talking about?
EDWARD: Jake I know… I know how you feel about Bella.I know that you love her.
JACOB: Is that why you're doing this to spite me because we love the same woman?
EDWARD: Oh, come-on Jake give me some credit will you? I don't have to spite you about anything; I am just the one she loves.
JACOB: Really? Is that why you're so 'secure' that you want to be the one to share with me this really 'wonderful' news?
EDWARD: I've always considered you're use of sarcasm annoying.
JACOB: So I've always thought you were a great friend. It seems we were both wrong.
EDWARD: Oh suddenly I am not a great friend because I needed only 2 seconds to see what you couldn't see in 2 years. She's a great woman and you've always known that but time and time you hesitated to get her in your world because you thought there could be someone else.
JACOB: You have it wrong my friend…
EDWARD: Oh yes?
JACOB: I didn't get her in my world because I thought she could do better. I had no idea she would lower her standards and go for a coward like you.
EDWARD: You waited Jake; you took a chance. Don't go calling me a coward when that's more your word than mine.
Perhaps Jacob took long to retaliate to that because he believed it too. What had made him wait to tell Bella his true feelings for so long wasn't it the fear of rejection more than anything else that made him hesitate. The fear that she knew better because she saw passed his handsome face and immaculate style, he was afraid because she knew didn't she? She knew that he had nothing to offer… that at the core, passed all his 'false' gentleman mannerisms and his counterfeit liberality that he was really just a shallow, egocentric human being who still hasn't discovered who he is.
Why would she find that attractive? Perhaps he hesitated because he knew that she deserved better and needed to work on being a better man. And yes he will own up- to think that she was always going to wait up for him was a fault perhaps now even the worst regret of his life. He has to live with it but to live with Edward as the man in Bella's life is too much to comprehend and he cannot ask himself to do that.
JACOB: I get it! You're worried that the woman you love so much and the one you want to convince yourself loves you right back actually loves me instead.
It's Edward's turn to hesitate because he too believes what Jacob has to say. He read those words himself so he knows it's more than just speculation.
He knows that her heart still largely belongs to Jacob but he is here because something in him keeps telling him to fight, he's seen enough from Bella to want to stick this out and fight for it.
JACOB: You're settling for second best. There are many things I think about you Edward but I never figured you'd settle.
EDWARD: I am not settling, I am fighting for the woman that I love.
JACOB: Who happens to love me!
EDWARD: She'll get over it. I've seen something in her to suggest that she wants a life with me… after all she's pregnant with my child.
JACOB: Because she doesn't know that I feel the same.
EDWARD: That won't change anything, she's pregnant with my child Jacob.
JACOB: This is all based on a lie, why do you think it will last?
EDWARD: Because I'm gonna make sure that it does and in the meantime leave us alone…..
His face is heavy with regret when we finally get a chance to be alone. He catches up with me as I hide myself from everyone sitting in the backyard. Strange as the moment is: everything is okay with me so long as Jacob is near.
He speaks after a long silence. He too was waiting for the pulling in his chest to die down just to keep from falling just from the sheer pain of it.
JACOB: I'm moving to Ireland!
No! What?
BELLA: Oh when?
I know I have given myself away completely. I have failed to hide my emotions and my disappointments. This man I have tried effortlessly to shake for months still has my heart like the very first day I realized I wanted him to be the one.
We were never formally introduced and I think weeks must have gone before I even bothered to learn his name. He was just this guy with amazing black hair and eyes slightly too small for his face. It's not to say that Jacob is the type of beauty you can pass by in the street without noticing- no in fact everything about his facial features is every bit arresting.
I just didn't care.
He was just another handsome face. He did come off as standoffish and the thought of invading his space always intimidated me. I kept my distance and to say I didn't have an opinion of him is saying the least.
At that time my heart still belonged to Christopher, a 40-year-old married man from East London. I am very much aware that this is a story on its own but the only reason I am going back is to try and trace where my feelings for Jacob actually changed. How he graduated from just another man to thee man.
All that's important to know about Christopher is that we had met over the phone; he said I sounded nice and I was flirtatious.
Three months later it didn't matter that he was 14 years older or that he was married, all that mattered was the secret meetings in hotel rooms whenever he was in town and it never really bothered me that he was married. In my mind I was aiming for his heart or what I use to term the "GOTCHA" moment.
You know that strange and elusive moment when he suddenly realizes after 20 years of marriage and a son that he doesn't love his wife anymore.
Looking back at that now I laugh. I expected more for myself but I thought Christopher was my knight in shining amour. I don't know the exact moment I realized to myself that it was probably not going to happen and recounting and remembering those days I am glad that Christopher is behind me.
Now back to the important story not because it's nicer but because it's my favorite to tell. Jacob and I hardly existed to each other and I think we were pretty ok with that system. I mean I don't think he rolled over in his sleep crying in tears just begging to be more my friend.
No that came much later and most of it from my part.
The memories of the first day I saw him are as faint as those of my first day in school and even though I can't recall word for word what it is we said to each other or where it was sad for that matter but I remember seeing him, recognizing him and wondering if it was appropriate for me to say hi.
I didn't have to worry because he had that covered. He probably doesn't remember how he went on about absolutely nothing in particular. I don't remember all of it now but I remember thinking; he's got a soul. I guess it was just gradual from there.
Oh but that day… that very first day I realized there was a click… or rather a gun that goes off inside whenever he's around, I remember that day.
It was my birthday- a depressing affair, turning old is depressing didn't you know? So he needs a favor from me. If I want the real Jacob to recognize this scene I will be more specific about the details but I don't want him to. I know I am writing this book about him and he will read it and figure who he is but I still don't see the complete significance of him figuring my feelings out but I've figured this… he knows anyhow.
Alice gave me my birthday hug and all along I wish he'd say something but he didn't.
Jacob didn't!
So I held on convincing myself that he wanted to but fear of rejection made him hesitate… like it did all these months and know we'll never know just how well we would have got on , he and I because his heart was never really sure. And that first day we spoke to each other I left him there… found the strength to walk away unharmed and unchanged, a luxury I can no longer afford. Now he's walking away for good, how do
I move on?
JACOB: I am moving tomorrow.
BELLA: So soon?
JACOB: I've been thinking about it for a couple of weeks and I finally have a reason to go.
BELLA: Is it me?
Perhaps too confident a statement, I don't know. All I know is this; he's leaving, I may not ever see him again and I feel responsible. He honors me and our friendship with the truth.
JACOB: A little bit… no I am kidding… I mean a whole lot…
BELLA: Cos I didn't tell you I was pregnant.
JACOB: More like why you didn't…
Because I love you but you know that now don't you?
JACOB: I understand. I took too much time…
BELLA: Jake…
JACOB: Let me finish. I don't think he's good for you but then again when I really think about it it's not Edward that's the problem, any man would be so long as I didn't get to be with you.
BELLA: I didn't know…
JACOB: I didn't tell you and something tells me that is a regret I'll have to deal with for the rest of my life but we can't go back can we?
BELLA: No we can't!
I would love to perhaps ravel in this moment and live all of it. Bask in the amazing glory and the revelation that Jacob Black is as in love with me as I am with him. But everything keeps bringing me back to the bitterness and the realness of the unnecessary pain that we both put ourselves through simply because there was always too much pride, hesitation to know what to do with.
I love this man more than I have loved any other my whole life and yet I can't be with him. Not because he is white, it's not even because of Edward but it's because we waited. Now there's this weighty price to pay because we were so reckless and so ordinary, so… so clumsy with the one thing we know is so rare to find. I thought I was playing a fool all those months that I loved him without the knowledge that he loves me back but now that I know he does I know for sure that I am.
JACOB: As hard as this is to say Isabella, I hope Edward lives up to his word. I don't want you to get hurt.
BELLA: I know you don't.
JACOB: Tell him to pay that fine he was docking all the time ok.
I part my lips with a smile. What I really want to do though is cry… cry until my tears dry out but I have never been able to show Jacob what it is I truly feel. Even now as he is about to leave my life… for maybe for good I don't know… I don't believe he could love me.
Edward watches from the corner of his eye as Jacob leans in to kiss me softly. It isn't stolen but the passion and the intensity of it is so apparent. Edward knows as he watches Jacob walk away that he is up against it.
I keep thinking back to that moment when his hand left mine, how I didn't want it to, how I held on just a minute too long and how he was in a hurry to let go. I can't really blame him; I'm the one who's got a life with someone else.
Edward and I haven't said one word to each other since we left Jasper's place. I am trying not to show that my heart may be on a plane to Dublin soon and Edward is trying not to show that he knows more than I know he does. He wants me to stay here… with him.
EDWARD: You enjoy yourself tonight?
BELLA: Yes it was great. I think Jasper is a wonderful cook.
The response is so flat that it makes Edward wonder whether to give victory to Jacob if only for tonight, trying hard not to find himself in a situation were I may end up despising him.
So he does!
He climbs on to bed, turns away from me. He is not the one I worry about tonight and that's a gift from Edward to me.
When he's deep in his sleep I steal his car keys to drive to Jacob's place. He had been packing the whole time but he welcomes my presence here.
I fly into his arms, tears rolling down my cheeks…
BELLA: I don't want you to go.
I feel his chest rise and fall, his heart beating at an uncharacteristic pace. I am the woman he calls his one and letting me go is tough for him.
Giving me over to another man is even tougher but the toughest thing to bare is to have to hold me so close but still not be able to touch and kiss me as he has wanted to all these months, not because he is hesitating but simply because he can't bring himself to do it because of Edward.
So he doesn't!
He makes me a cup of tea and continues to pack, he's not the one I worry about tonight and that's a gift from Jacob to me.
Edward is up by the time I get home. He's already dressed for work at this early hour. I am a little taken aback by his presence. I didn't expect him to be up. He shows no sign of anger nor the remoteness he exhibited last night. Just Edward in his wonderful, awesome cheerfulness and easiness. I don't feel I am getting away with nothing. I know I got myself a sweet deal with Edward.
EDWARD There you are!
He comes up to me.
EDWARD: Did you go for a drive or something?
He asks with a light kiss.
EDWARD: I got worried.
BELLA: Did you try and call me?
EDWARD: Yeah a couple of times but I stopped when I realized my car was gone.
BELLA: I am sorry I didn't ask your permission, it's just that…
EDWARD: (Quickly) no it's fine, you and I have a life together don't we?
I get another perk in my forehead.
EDWARD: We should talk about getting you your own car.
BELLA: Really?
EDWARD: We'll be moving in together soon and I don't want you and the baby to get stranded because I am working late or I can't get to you on time or something.
BELLA: Aright!
EDWARD: Decide on the car you want and then let me know no matter what the price ok.
I nod absent mindedly, a realization hitting the heart of my reality… Jacob is on his way to Dublin and I'm going to a new apartment, new car, new baby so that must mean new woman, new me and the new me doesn't get to love Jacob anymore. Life goes on.
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