I just realized that there were about 7 chapters between the Phantom Ganon and Volvagia battles! The story is also 133 pages on MS Word, and part 1 (kid Link) only goes up to 51. All the others were adult Link, and I've only done 2 and a half temples. Time to pick up the pace a bit...

Published July 23, 2009

Up the River Again

This time, no freakish monstrosity was created when the group was warped all at once. They found themselves located in the Chamber of the Sages, and this time a different sage was standing before them. "Medigoron?" Navi questioned. "You're the Sage of Fire?"

"No, what's a Sage? Why am I here? Who are you people?" Darunia pushed him into the dark abyss surrounding the pedestal.

"Please ignore him brother. It turns out that I, the great Darunia, am the Sage of Fire! It's quite a discovery, and I intend to assist you in any way that I can."

"Darunia!" Link greeted, intending to give the man a hug but soon remembering what it would be like to be hugged by a Goron. "I'm interested in having that man to man talk that you mentioned earlier."

Darunia's expression brightened considerably. "No better time than the present! So have you met any girls lately?" Link nodded, smiling. "Puked your egg sack into any of their digestively expelled mounds of stomach substance?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Link vomited onto the floor beside him.

"Link, there are other people present here! Do that while you're alone."

"I no longer want the man to man talk," Link groaned.

"You aren't as manly as I thought you were," Darunia said, shaking his head in disapproval. The Goron leader saw Barinade out of the corner of his eye. "You're my new brother now!"

"Me? BARINADE? Sure."

"Well, I shall finish my duty and give you this: This medallion contains the power of the fire spirits, and my friendship," Darunia pulled out a red disk and tossed it to Barinade.

"So if I were to crack this open it would give me your friendship? And then I could twist and distort it so you obey my every will? Excellent…" Barinade laughed maniacally.

"I don't think that's how it works," Navi said.

"No, he's right," Darunia said. "It's really hard though, hard as a rock!"

"Oh, right, speaking of rocks," Gohma began, "you should probably check on your son. Let's go guys." The group left before Darunia could question them further.

When they reached the midpoint of Death Mountain, King Dodongo split off to go check up on his workers. The others continued back to the Goron city where they would meet up with Volvagia.

King Dodongo frowned when he saw that the duo was still working on lemonade, and so far barely had any. "What the hell is wrong with you? All I wanted was lemonade made before I got back!" he snarled.

"It's harder than it looks!" one of the Dodongos said. "We had to go down to Kakariko and buy some, then we had to assemble a workstation, and develop a system. It only got harder when we realized we have no hands and had to do this with our mouths. I think it's pretty damn good that we made forty-six jugs of lemonade with just our mouths!"

"Fine, fine, good job. But this is still not enough to get all the money we need."

"I don't think we can get that much money with lemonade."

"I have a plan, don't worry."

"What is it this time: sell our organs?"

"Donate our bodies to science?"

"Invent a hilarious transport vehicle?"

"Invade Termina?"

"No, no!" King Dodongo interrupted. "I'm going to get the Triforce and wish that I'm the most powerful person in the world! I can get as much money as I'll ever want!"

"Triforce? Isn't that some kind of three legged camera stand?" one Dodongo asked.

"No, that's a Tripod," the other Dodongo answered. "It's a person who likes guys, girls, and hermaphrodites."

"Actually that would be a trisexual," King Dodongo responded. "The Triforce is a magical item that allows whoever touches it to make any wish."

"Could you wish for multiple wishes?" a Dodongo asked. King Dodongo thought for a moment and grinned.

Outside of the Goron City, Volvagia waited. He was currently picking random bones from his teeth as the remaining members of Link's group reached him. "What are you doing?" Link asked.

"Old habits die hard, sorry."

"You ate all the Gorons, didn't you?"

"Yes. Although there were only like four there, most of them probably didn't make it out of that temple. The ones that did were delicious however."

Link turned back to the monsters and fairy. "Well, that's one species eradicated off the face of the Earth," he said. "So which is next?"

"Zoras!" Barinade demanded. "Those fools tried to kill me when I gained a nice home in their giant fish. I didn't even have any negative effects! I was just… there."

"We know you were there, that's where we found you," Link said. "Let's go and visit the Zoras!"

As the group descended Death Mountain, Link came face to face with Epona. She did not seem very happy about being forgotten for so long. "Oh, Epona! I had forgotten about you for so long!" Especially after Link said that.

Epona neighed and somehow tossed Link onto her back. She galloped off toward the Zora River.

"Who wants to go eat some lunch and keep him waiting?" Gohma asked. All the other boss monsters agreed and went to eat some burgers at the ranch.

"When I find that kid, I'm going to end his life with his own liver!" Ingo ranted, not noticing the newcomers. "Then I'll eat his face!"

"Do you stand around all day ranting about what you're going to do some kid when you find him?" Gohma asked. "Because that's kind of creepy."

Ingo turned to face them. "I'd be scared by the mass of weird monsters, but my mother's tea parties desensitized me to stuff like that. What do you all need?"

"Cheeseburgers," King Dodongo stated. "Copious amounts of cheeseburgers."

"I'd normally sell 'em, but Ganondorf stole all my cows and says that he plans to build some mass-producing cheeseburger factory."

"That villain!" Volvagia hissed.

-Halfway to the Zoras-

"Wasn't there an asylum here before?" Navi asked. "All I see now is a flaming pile of rubble."

Barinade approached it, also confused. He had his hammer just in case something decided to jump out. "I, BARINADE, shall check it out!"

"Can I come?" Link asked.

"You're already beside it. I, BARINADE, am coming to help you." Barinade began to poke the rubble. Suddenly, a hand reached out of the rubble. "I, BARINADE, see something!"

A green skinned man rose from the rubble.

"He looks familiar…" Link pondered, stroking his chin in thought.

"Shit, that's Ganondorf!" Navi yelled.

"Ganondorf… Where have I heard that name before?"

"Hello Hero of Time, I see that you have managed to make all of my strongest agents betray me," Ganondorf said. "I had thought that you would be the last to betray me, Volvagia."

"Eat my shit you ass."

"Yikes, someone's touchy. Where's my phantom? I thought he was traveling with you."

Link's group all looked at each other, none of them noticing Phantom Ganon's absence. "Now that you mention it, he kind of disappeared somewhere in the Fire Temple," Navi said. "Where the hell is Phantom Ganon?"

"It's not important, I don't really care about him," Ganondorf muttered. "This will be the site of my new cheeseburger manufacturing plant, and none of you can stop my plans at this point. They are too close to completion!"

"You've only just cleared the area, there's still rubble in fact," Gohma said. "How is anything even close to being finished?"

"I have the place built, I just need to relocate it."

"How?"

"It's magic, I don't have to explain it. Now move to the side, I have things that I must take care of."

"But I want to fight you now!" Link pouted.

"Some other time, kid. I don't have time to fight an age confused kid wearing a skirt and tight pants, I have more important things to do. Now I'm off to get wasted." Ganondorf walked passed the group.

-The Zoras-

"WHY?" Link screamed, falling to his knees. "Potito, YOU WERE TOO BEAUTIFUL FOR THIS WORLD!" Said Zora was frozen upside-down in the water with all the other Zoras. The entire area was coated in ice so the ones that weren't even in the water were also frozen.

"There there Link," Barinade patted the 'Hero' on the back in an attempt to comfort him. "I once lost a dear friend, if only he hadn't gotten in my way he would still be alive today. I will always remember you, Roger."

"Who's Roger?" Navi asked.

"Roger is Roger. No other explanation is required."

"You just made that story off the top of your head, didn't you?"

"Maybe. The point is that Link is suffering, we should help him!"

"He's chasing a butterfly now, I don't think he's suffering too badly."

"It's a coping mechanism."

"That's a lie and you know it."

"Shut up you two," Gohma snapped. "It looks like Ganondorf froze the Zoras just like he nearly fed all the Gorons to Pocahontas over there."

"Hey!" Volvagia snapped, running a hand through his fiery hair. "My burning locks are very masculine. Long hair doesn't mean girl! Not to mention the scissors always melt…" The dragon was ignored for the time being.

"NOOOOO!"

"Looks like Link found another one of his 'friends'," Navi said.

"WHY KING ZORA, WHY? I HARDLY KNEW YOU…"

-After a lot of mourning-

In the fountain that used to house a very big fish, they found a lot of ice. What a surprise… "It looks like we can get to that cave over there now, anyone up for checking it out?" King Dodongo asked.

They easily entered the cave and found themselves surrounded by more ice in this Ice Cavern. "I'm going to get sick of ice very fast," Volvagia hissed. "Why did I have to come?"

"We're going to kick Ganondorf's ass and you want in on it," Navi said.

"So why didn't we fight him earlier…?"

"He was busy and I didn't want to intrude," Link told him. He soon found himself with his head stuck in the wall.

-Later-

"What's with the giant spinning ice blades?" King Dodongo asked. "I really doubt that that's a natural formation…"

"Why? Ice has become sharp things before," Link said. "Icicles, smaller icicles, big icicles, icicle shards, partially formed icicles…"

"Moving on…" Gohma began, "let's just smash it."

"Oh, you can't," Link said. "It's ice." Gohma tried anyway and smashed the giant spinning ice blades to pieces. "I guess it was only imitation ice. Real ice can take anything, I've tested it."

"Hey, stop screwing around back there!" Navi yelled from ahead. "We've found some strange type of fire."

Link and Gohma caught up to the rest of the group after killing a few annoying Ice Keese. Navi, Barinade, King Dodongo, and Volvagia were surrounding a pedestal holding a large blue flame on top of it. "It's blue," King Dodongo said.

"Dammit I wish I wasn't colour blind!" Volvagia hissed. "None of you use that against me!"

"You can't tell me what to do," Gohma said before bringing its attention back to the blue fire. "I have a feeling that this will be useful, let's take some."

"If we took some of everything that you've thought is useful, we'd have… blue fire!"

"Shut up Kingy, you fail at life."

Link decided to side with Gohma and took some blue fire in his only bottle. "Now we can melt the red ice with the blue fire!" he exclaimed.

"What fuels that logic?" Gohma asked.

"Red ice plus blue fire equals purple water!" Gohma tore off his ear and said it would only give it back once Link became smarter.