Chapter twenty-five

Like in a game of mirrors, Maura adopted Jane's pose and pouted. Immediately, the brunette forced her gesture only to see her partner do the same. Within a few seconds, both women burst out laughing and finally broke eye-contact before falling into each other's arms.

Maura didn't remember when they had exactly started this game but she loved it. It was childish – a tad idiot – but it belonged to them and nobody else. They were the only ones who understood it, who could fully enjoy it.

Somehow, it highlighted their complicity and she found it sweet.

Settling against Jane, she bent over to caress the brunette's cheek before allowing their lips to meet for a long, quiet kiss. Lost in the embrace, the scientist focused on the sensations running through her body, from the shivers the kiss stirred up to the way the sun was sliding warmly on her back; the smoothness of the couch they were sat on. She broke apart after a while but leaned her forehead against Jane's, their lips brushing each other's.

Her words slid on them, accompanied by a long sigh.

"I wish every single day was Sunday."

Jane laughed lightly against her mouth; holding her tight. They had planned a thousand things to do on that weekend but after a difficult battle won against the idea of staying in bed all day long, they had just ended up landing on the couch; only slowing everything down a bit more.

Maura cleared her voice – settled further in her partner's arms – and began to caress her arm absentmindedly.

"Speaking of which, would you like to come to the party we're throwing for the group on Thursday? It starts at 6pm. It will be a lot less formal or "exclusive" than the last ones we held."

By the end of the week, all the medical examiners who had followed her at the morgue for the past few months would finally leave. And if they had organized a few evenings out already, the big party would take place at The Dirty Robber on Thursday.

"I might have to take on a night shift again but I'll do my best."

Disappointment crept in immediately but the honey blonde tried to push it away, to hide it behind one of these smiles she had learned to use at the right time. Although she could hardly speak, now. The tone of her voice would have betrayed her feelings as it always did.

So – instead – she simply nodded.

The long visit of her colleagues had brought stress and extra-work to her daily life – disturbing slightly the routine she had established with Jane – but lately, the brunette had multiplied night shifts. Before it, Maura couldn't help wondering if it wasn't her fault; if she hadn't pushed her partner – subconsciously – to take her distance from her as well.

Except if it happened to be the truth, then it meant that their couple had begun to fall apart without any of them really noticing it. And it scared her more than anything.

"Maur'..."

Jane calling her name took her out of her dark daydreams. Without saying a word, the blonde looked up at her partner and sagely waited. A smile on her lips.

"I know it's none of my business but... What happened between you and Amanda, exactly? I gotta work with her this week and she's really nice. I... I don't get the apprehension you seem to have about her... I saw you already with some of your exes and you weren't like that. What is it that it's different with her, exactly?"

Jane felt the honey blonde stiffen against her as soon as she mentioned Amanda. Perhaps she shouldn't have asked. In the end and as she had said it herself, it was none of her business. Just a latent curiosity over a person she had shared a few shifts with and who was related to the woman she was in love with.

For long seconds, Maura didn't say a word and focused on an invisible point by the coffee table; a thin line on her forehead highlighting in silence her internal worries.

"I didn't turn out to be the nicest girlfriend she could have had."

In a gesture of reassurance and comfort, Jane began to caress the honey blonde's back; waiting for her to open more about the past she had shared with Amanda.

Until now, Maura had remained evasive; echoing the sentence she had just pronounced.

"Did you cheat on her?"

Not that Jane considered it as something good but it happened; quite often, especially at a young age. It surely didn't deserve such apprehension either. A bitter laugh escaped from Maura's lips and she rolled her eyes – bit her lower lip – before shaking her head in defeat.

"I cheated on her, I let her hope for things that never happened... I... I was horrible with her. All along. But every single time, she came back to me and forgave my behavior right away... Because she loved me. Retrospectively, I guess I wasn't ready. I was going through a tough patch myself – obsessed with my roots – and she was... She was the first woman I had a real relationship with. I loved her. I did. But I was a mess and I kept on hurting her as if to convince myself that I wasn't too much attached to her. I didn't know who I was anymore and I was torn between the ideal of settling down with someone – yet at a very young age, we were barely twenty-three – and my blurry, way too precarious background. In the summer we had planned to leave for Europe, for a year. We had booked everything, written down every single detail... I didn't show up at the airport the day we were supposed to leave. Then she never heard again from me."

Until a few months earlier, when Amanda had passed the doors of the morgue and everything had come back without any warning; as if fate had decided to play with Maura's mind for her not having properly closed this chapter of her life.

For a moment, both women remained quiet; as if analyzing Maura's words, whatever she had lived. Then Jane spoke up softly.

"Do you ever regret what we used to have?"

Jane's question surprised her. For some reason, Maura had assumed that she was the only one who did think about it at times. Many things had happened to them within the past year. Their relationship had taken a different turn, a more serious one. They had left behind the excitement stirred up by all these delicate games they had played. Had their passion completely declined while settling into the routine of an established couple? She didn't think so. It was just different; their feelings lying deeper within themselves.

They weren't friends with benefits anymore. They had simply started writing another page of their life, with a maturity they hadn't experienced until now.

Amanda's sudden comeback in her existence had made her doubt about the behavior she adopted with Jane; and still did, somehow. But as much as she kept on comparing the past relation to the current one, Maura knew - deep inside - that what she lived with Jane had not a lot in common with whatever her life had been made of before.

Different scenario. Different person. Different state of mind.

Different feelings.

She locked her eyes with Jane's – succumbing to a deep, strong seriousness – then shook her head; her hand grabbing her partner's firmly.

"I love you too much for that."

Something glimmered in the brunette's dark pupils; something brief. A nuance of vulnerability, perhaps. Maura smiled as she noticed it and bent over for a light – almost chaste – kiss.

"Even with my deformed body?"

Maura's laugh died in the depth of Jane's nape as she closed her eyes and rested there for a long while; taking the most of moments she wanted to see as unforgettable ones.

"I love my little Moby-Dick."