Chapter 24 Choosing life
All hell broke loose at the clinic the next day. Bella first realised something was going on when Helen was called out of the session, and a strange buzz of energy filled the building. The staff were clearly perturbed and shortly after, an ambulance arrived, taking the frenetic energy with it when it left.
With the session cut short, Bella made herself tea to take outside to the bench. Her thoughts were drifting idly, thinking about the dreams that had peppered her sleep last night, thinking about the Metropolitan for the first time in weeks, thinking about what she would do when she left rehab. The last thought pricked her a little, and she paused to examine it closer. She had no real experience outside of the hotel industry, but the thought of returning to it made her shudder. She smiled a little at the thought of herself swanning around Edward's house all day, perhaps drifting out for a manicure, or lunch with Alice. It would be great for a while, but she'd be climbing the walls all too soon. Edward had been clear that he had no problem with her staying home, but she honestly couldn't see herself settling in to a life as a housewife.
"Bella?"
Bella turned in her seat to smile at Helen. "Hiya. You caught me woolgathering. I'm toying with the idea of becoming a domestic engineer."
Helen didn't smile back, and the smile slid off Bella's face. "What's wrong?" Even as she spoke, she knew.
"Bree cut her wrists this morning."
Bella felt the blood drain from her face and caught hold of the bench for support. "Is she okay?"
"She won't die, if that's what you mean." Helen's face was dark with... what? Bella couldn't read her expression. She didn't seem angry, nor did she seem particularly distressed.
"She's asking for you. The clinic director has given his approval for you to go the hospital to see her. Would you be prepared to go?"
Bella was already picking up her mug and handbag, pulling to a stop. "Fuck. I don't have a car. I'll have to get the driver..." She pulled out her phone.
"I'll take you, Bella. Can you get your driver to collect you from the hospital?" Helen's expression still had an elusive quality that Bella couldn't pinpoint.
"Yeah, no problem. Can we go now?"
Helen just dangled her keys from her hand.
The drive to the hospital was uncomfortable, to say the least. Bella tried to get more details from Helen, but she couldn't, or wouldn't, give her any information. "Helen, there's something you're not telling me, dammit." Bella was exasperated. "Just spit it out!"
"I don't know an easy way to put this." This time, Bella noted the anger in Helen's voice. "Bree asked me this morning if I would give the okay for her to spend Christmas with you." Her voice hardened. "I said no."
"But why? You haven't given her a chance yet!" Bella glared at her, furious. "You said, quote, "Fine", unquote, subject to her progress."
"I know what I said." Helen's voice bounced around the car. "It is still my opinion that she shouldn't go. No, Bella," she raised a hand from the steering wheel when Bella opened her mouth. "This is not just about Bree's wellbeing. There's yours and your family's safety at stake here too. Are you going to risk them, risk exposure of your 'well known' boyfriend?"
"Helen, that is my decision to make. I've already discussed it with Edward, and he's okay with it." Bella's hands were shaking with anger. "If we had continued the discussion, I could have told you that my best friend is a psychologist, specialising in addiction. He will be with us most of the time, and is on standby 24/7 for me anyway. She will be safe, Helen, safe as she'd be in the clinic."
"It's a moot point now, anyway." Helen's voice was disapproving.
"Moot because you're flatly refusing?" The sheer injustice of it took her breath away. "This is not a bloody Kafka novel, Helen."
"It's moot because Bree threatened to cut her wrists if she wasn't released."
"She what?" Bella whispered, shock whipping through her.
"Unfortunately, she went through with the threat after I said no." Her voice was emotionless.
"Unfortunately?" Bella's voice rose to a shriek. "Unfortunate that a desperate girl, who is offered a glimmer of light in her desperate life, is denied the opportunity, and you say 'unfortunately'? What the fuck, Helen." She tried to keep her voice steady, but her rage and sorrow was difficult to keep in check. "Why did the director say I could go to her today, if I'm such a risk to her recovery?" Her sarcasm fell flat.
"He, it seems, agrees with you. He has asked me to reconsider." She threw a hard glance at Bella. "Understand this, Bella: I don't think this is a good idea. But despite what you think, I'm not a heartless bitch: I can see the change in Bree beginning, and I recognise that you've played an instrumental part in that." She took a deep breath. "So I'm going to say yes. I'm going to say yes because I looked in that girl's eyes and saw hope dying. I'm here to nurture hope, not snuff it."
The silence was deafening. Bella didn't know what to say: she felt no sense of victory – a girl trying to kill herself was in no way, shape or form a victory, but she did feel a little gladness blossom.
"Thank you," Bella wiped the tears from her eyes. "For Bree's sake, thank you."
"You – and Bree – are welcome." Helen's voice was thick with emotion. "Bree is going to have to work really hard, though, Bella. That's why you're going to the hospital. Between the two of us, we need to convince her to give a one hundred percent commitment to her recovery." Helen glanced at Bella, her expression thoughtful. "I'm taking Bree out of group therapy sessions, except Dance therapy. I'm going to work one on one with Bree for the rest of her time at the clinic."
"I'm glad," said Bella simply. "She deserves it."
"You have a good instinct, Bella, and a knack for seeing passed defences. It's an essential part of being a good therapist." Helen smiled wryly. "Maybe you should consider becoming a therapist rather than a domestic engineer."
"Yeah, right: 'Hi, Joe Blogs, I'm your therapist, oh and by the way, I'm a recovering alcoholic'. Like that would work." Bella laughed.
"Who better to understand than someone who's been through it and living it?" Helen asked, her voice matter of fact.
Who, indeed? The idea blazed through Bella's mind, searing itself into her consciousness: who, indeed.
Her thoughts were interrupted by their arrival at the hospital. Bella bounced impatiently while they were signed into the Psych ward and she all but ran to Bree's room. She cautiously popped her head round Bree's door and was greeted by the most beautiful smile she had ever seen on her face.
"Bella, you came!" Tears rolled down her cheeks and she lifted her hand to wipe them, displaying three inches of bandages around her wrist.
"Yeah, sweetheart, I'm here." Bella pulled up a chair and sat down, holding Bree's hand in hers.
"Bella, I'm sorry I let you down. I just... for the first time in so long, I was looking forward to something and..." her voice died.
Bella glanced at Helen, looking for direction, but Helen just looked on impassively. She sighed, realising that she'd have to get this right on her own.
"Bree, listen to me for a minute." She brushed her fingertips over the faint bruise lingering on Bree's cheek, waiting until Bree met her eyes. "You didn't let me down, sweetheart, not at all. You let yourself down. And even that we could have supported you with." She didn't look at Helen, although the temptation to glare at her was strong.
"We do have some good news for you, something for you to look forward to." Her heart broke at the wariness in Bree's eyes. "The clinic has agreed that you can come to us for Christmas..." she laughed at the beam that lit Bree's entire face. "Not so fast, cowboy. Like with everything in life, you're going to have to work for it." Bella studied her face, making sure that Bree understood, realised that this was an attainable goal that she would have to strive for. "You're going to have to work really hard, Bree. I'm not sugar coating this, because it's going to be bloody hell, but it's a chance to make something of your life, maybe one of the last chances that you will allow yourself to have." She looked over at Helen and inclined her head, indicating that she should take over.
"I know how you struggle with group sessions, so I'm rearranging your programme slightly. You'll be doing one on one's with me for the rest of your stay at the clinic." Helen laughed too at the relief that flooded Bree's face. "You'll still do Dance therapy, and you are still welcome to attend any group session." She smiled at Bree's dubious expression. "You feel that way now, but I'm fairly sure that once you're a goodly way down your recovery path, you'll feel differently."
"But Bree?" Her expression became serious as she picked up her other hand. "You can't do this again. We can show you how precious your life is, too precious to risk like this. Can you give me that commitment?"
She nodded, crying too much to speak.
Helen smiled at Bella and took her hand. The three women laughed gently as their hands formed a triangle.
Bella and Helen sat with Bree, chatting about nothing much. Bella watched Bree relax, more than she'd ever seen before. It was beautiful to see, and Bella couldn't wait for Edward to meet her.
"Oh, shit, I forgot to phone the driver." She checked her watch. "Bugger. I'd better call Edward too. I'll be back in a second, sweetie." Bella had to leave the ward to make the calls. She decided to call Edward first because... well because she loved him more than the driver, really.
"Hey, love. Are you running late tonight?" Edward's silky smooth voice slid over her.
"Kinda. I'm at the hospital..." she didn't finish the sentence when Edward interrupted.
"What happened?" She could hear him walking towards the door, then the jingle of car keys.
"Nothing happened to me, I'm fine." She kicked herself mentally for giving him a fright. "I'm here to visit a... friend... Bree, actually. Sorry, babe, I didn't mean to scare you. That was really thoughtless of me." She heard the door opening. "I forgot to tell the driver to collect me here instead of the clinic, and called you to let you know I'd be late."
"Do you think it would be okay if I picked you up?" Edward's voice calmed a little, but was still a little stressed. "I'm closer to the hospital than the driver is."
"That would be great!" Her heart soared, just knowing he was on his way. "Hang on, what will Alice say? Maybe it's not such a good idea."
"We're already assuming that the information will be out there, Bella. And quite frankly, my heart just stopped beating and it won't start again until I know you're safe, preferably in my arms." She could hear the smile in his voice.
"Super. I think you should let Alice know though, just in case." Bella did not want to face a pissed off Alice on her own if this went sideways.
"Hmm. I'll give the driver a call on my way over. See you in a bit." The phone went dead.
She walked back to the ward, unable to hide the grin on her face. "Edward's picking me up himself, so no driver today." She laughed at Helen's expression. "Helen, he may be 'well known', but he really is just a guy, albeit a very gorgeous one."
"Bella, may I meet him?" Bree sounded so young, looked so vulnerable lying there in her bed.
Bella glanced at Helen, raising an eyebrow. She was well aware of the courage it must have taken for Bree to ask to meet a stranger.
"Uh uh, Bella. That's your call, and your risk." Helen smirked. "The entrance to the Psych ward is separate and more private for obvious reasons." She shrugged.
Bella thought it through, trying to weigh the risks. Finally, she shook her head. "Sorry, sweetheart, not today. But you'll meet him at Christmas." She leaned over to kiss her cheek. "I'll see you back at the clinic tomorrow."
Bella left the ward and made her way to the front entrance. As she stepped out the door, a poppy red MX5 pulled up. Edward pushed open the passenger door, frantically waving her into the car. He was wearing his trademark beanie and horn rimmed glasses, but without a scarf to cover his jaw, he was fairly easy to identify.
"Tell me that this is mine," pleaded Bella before her bum hit the seat.
"And if I said, no, it isn't?" Edward's eyes sparkled.
"Then I will offer you blow jobs in perpetuity if you will only say it's mine." She burst out laughing at the expression on his face.
"It's yours." Edward smirked. "It was your Christmas present, but I'm happy with the payment terms we've reached – for the rest of forever, need I remind you – so I'll have to find you something else."
"Edward, I suggest you cover your ears." Bella squealed, really, really loudly. "Okay, babe, you can uncover your ears."
"That was impressive, even when compared to Alice." Edward shook his head slightly.
"You've just made me realise that we haven't got anyone presents yet, and I'm going to be at the clinic right up till Christmas. How about you and I sit down on our deck with the laptop and do some Festive Season surfing tonight?"
"It's so good to hear you say 'we haven't got presents' and 'our deck'." Edward smiled at her. "Sounds like a date, love. I'll get a bottle of w... Oh fuck." Edward looked at her, distraught. "I'm so sorry, love."
"We've had this conversation, Edward. It's going to take you a while." She leaned over to kiss his cheek. "Relax."
Edward was quiet while making dinner, clearly not concentrating on the tomato he was dicing for the salad, clearly still beating himself up for his slip.
"Hey, put the knife down – you're inflicting cruel and unusual punishment on that tomato. Edward!" She grasped his hands to still his frenetic movements. "Stop it. Don't punish yourself for your bottle of wine slip." She tugged him towards her, sliding her arms around his waist and gazing up at him. "Babe, I still slip. I still find myself thinking what wine to buy to go with a meal. Please, accept that it's going to take you a while."
"I want to be your safe place, Isabella." Edward's voice broke on a ragged breath. "I want to be the one person in this world that you can trust implicitly. I..." His voice failed.
"You are that already." She held his face between her hands, running her thumbs over his lips. "You mean more to me than anything else in this world." She took a deep breath. "Try to accept that, please. I've dried out before and it is a painful, soul destroying process. Except that this time... this time ,I have you. The pain is excruciating, but my soul... my soul is safe and protected by your love."
Bella put her head against his chest to listen to his heart. "While I hear your heart beating, I am safe. The demon has no voice, has no power. You, Edward, have made me understand that I am worth fighting for. Even if you leave me tomorrow, and I never see you again, you have shown me that I have the strength to fight for myself. I will keep fighting, for you and for myself."
Edward's expression eased a little and he pulled her into a tight embrace. They stood, holding each other, acknowledging the love that bound them together tighter than any knot.
"Are you okay?" Bella looked up at him to study his face.
"Yeah, I'm okay." He smiled. "While you're okay, I'm okay."
"Let's take our dinner to the deck and do some shopping then." Bella stretched up to kiss him.
"Who do we need to get presents for?" asked Edward.
"I usually buy separate presents for Alice and Jasper, so that's two, plus Rose, Emmett and Bree." Bella counted them off on her fingers. "We also need to send one to Angela in London... I think that's all, other than you, which I shall do later."
"What should we get Bree?" Edward tugged on a lock of hair. "I don't know if jewellery or something like that is a good idea – if she does drink again, it's something of value that she can sell for booze."
"Babe, listen to what you've just said," she leaned over to kiss him. "That was more insightful than anyone I've ever heard. You really are a safe place, and I love you."
"Thank you, love, for saying that." He sighed. "It's good to know."
Several hours later, everyone's presents had been purchased: diamond studs for Alice, golf clubs for Jasper, a huge gift voucher for Baby's R Us for Rose and Emmett, and a Macy's voucher for Bree. After much debate, they bought Angela an Amazon gift voucher.
"Is there anything specific you want for Christmas?" Bella snuggled into Edward while the laptop sat on the table in front of them.
"This is going to sound cheesy, but I truly have everything I've ever wanted right here in my arms." His lips brushed her temple.
"Well, I want to get you something; after all, I have a bright red MX5 with my name on it." She smiled at him. "I love it, by the way. Thank you."
"You are welcome. However... you and I have payment terms in place for the car, so it's not your Christmas present anymore." His eyes sparkled. "Talking of which..."
"Are you asking for the first instalment?" Her hands slid down his chest, slipping into the waistband of his jeans.
"Hmm... maybe. Let's get out of the cold though, and move this party inside." He jumped up and swept her into his arms, making her burst out laughing.
"One instalment on perpetuity coming up!"
I'm in two minds about completing this story. Let me know if you think it's worth wrapping up.
Thanks Gracie, Aussie33 and Lala Dee for the reviews!