A/N: Once again I am swamped with reviews. This is great! Keep it up folks!

Mellon: Thank you! I appreciate it!

WeaselyTwinsLover1112: I would love to let you tap some of my juices, but I may run dry! But thank you for reading!

scichan: I am trying to make her as realistic as possible. Thank you for reading.

KindCalypso: Hehe, I think a lot of people would have done something like that! Thanks for the comment!

The Lady Sorcha of Sevenwaters: Well, I feel honored that you would read my story after not really liking humor stories. I have tried to make this one as original as possible. Thank you very much, that comment has just made my day!

Europa: Yeah, I know it is cruel. But, I just had to!

butterfly: I think you have already gotten my e-mail, but if not, yes, you may. Please send me a link to the page though!

Asarielle: I hope this will be like what you were expecting. I have tried to make it as good as possible!

LeopardDance: All I can say is read down. *Waggles eyebrows*

Cassie-bear01: I am very happy to hear that! I hope you like this chapter!

Jessi8996: Here's your update!

Empress: I'm glad that you told me there is no such thing as TOO much humor. I don't want to over do it! But keep reading you should like this one!

songelf88 and G.H.S. the warg: Wow, only 93 bottles? I hope you at least kept humming! ;) (Sounds like some people I know too!)

katie: Thanks for leaving a review! But you better keep some Kleenex beside you, it's only going to get funnier!

Selene: I'm glad you like the sarcasm. Keep reading! It only gets worse!

Morgaine of Ithil: Here's the next chapter!

Meethril: *Blushes* Aw, now I'm all flustered! Thank you!

Makura Koneko: Here's the next fun one!

StarryStarryNight: I was wondering if anyone was going to notice that! When I wrote that part in my story that's what I was thinking of! Very observant of you.

little-lost-one: That they did! Thanks for reading!

If I missed anyone, just tell me and I will put you in the next one. It certainly wasn't intentional!

I apologize to anyone that is bothered by the very off timeline that I am making. I know there is way too much time between some events and between others there is not nearly enough. But like I have said, and will say again, writer's prerogative, my dears!

Story time kiddies!

*~*~*

"This is the song that never ends. It just goes on and on my friends. Some people, that were complete retards might I add, started singing it not knowing what it was. And they will keep singing it only just because they are idiots...."

'Are you finished yet?'

'I dunno, should I be?' I mind-asked Babes.

'Yes, I suppose it would be best if you did. It looks like they are about to kill you.'

'Well in that case I guess they deserve an encore presentation!'

"B! I! N! G! O! B! I! N! G! O! B! I! N! G! O! And Bingo was his name-o! There was a farmer that had a dog and Bingo was his name-o! B! I! N! G! O! B! I! N! G! O! B! I! N! G! O! And Bingo was his name-o! Sing it with me!"

Needless to say, no one joined in my festivities.

Finally I must have hit a nerve or something. The leader of the scary men all of a sudden wheeled his horse around and came right at me! He came to an abrupt stop and leaned into my face. Tic-Tac?

"If you wish to keep your tongue, I suggest you stop your infernal singing!"

"Alright, fine, I admit I was being a bit selfish. Does anyone have a request?"

"Gag her!"

This was just embarrassing. One of the men shoved a piece of cloth into my mouth, effectively gagging me. Let me tell you, I was hoping beyond hope that that cloth was not someone's underwear.

"There. Much better."

'Easy for you to say. Now I'm the only one that she can bug!'

'Babes, shut the hell up!'

*~*~*

I ended up sitting like that for about two days; not talking to anyone except Babes until it was finally twilight on the third day. They refused to give me any food, barely any water, and only let me relieve myself at daybreak and sunset. On the third night, I managed to attract the attention of one of the guys. Amazingly he understood my dysfunctional sign language and pulled out my gag.

"What's going on?" I croaked and motioned towards the men that were conversing urgently.

"A scout has spotted a group of Uruk-Hai ahead of us. We shall do battle before the night is over."

"Oh goody!" I said sarcastically. "What are you going to do with me while you go kick some ugly butt?"

"We shall tie your horse to a tree and give you a club of sorts to defend yourself if need be."

"So you mean to tell me that you are going to string me up in a tree and leave me to defend myself with a Whack-A-Mole bat?"

"I do not understand what you mean."

"I'm going to be a God damned piñata! Minus the goodies inside, but you know I don't think they will mind my guts all that much!"

"Relax. They shall not harm you. After all, you both serve the same master, Saruman."

I let off a string of violent curse words; "I am not a damn spy! I just want to get through this place in one piece and get my ass home! I! Am! Not! A! Spy!"

"Eucleides! Gag her again!" the leader roared out. "She is compromising our position."

Eucleides shoved the rag back into my mouth and tied Babes to a nearby tree. Suddenly a man and horse came galloping into the midst of us.

"The Uruk-Hai! They are over the next ridge!"

With that all of the men around us ran and leapt onto their horses. They were gone before I could blink.

*~*~*

Luckily, I never had to try my luck against one of them. But, even though I saw no battle, I heard everything.

From what I heard, it was a bloody, bloody battle. It was horrible. I could hear the inhuman shrieks of the dying Uruk-Hai, but in the mix, I could also distinguish the sounds of men. Every once in a while, I could also hear the screams of the injured horses as they fell. This is what really got to Babes.

She stood there under me shaking and breathing in gasps. It was horrible to watch. No doubt she could understand the last thoughts of the dying horses.

Through out the night, we listened to the sounds of the carnage and death. I felt like I was dying with them.

*~*~*

Around dawn, I found that I had pitched forward onto Babes and had some how fallen asleep. I awoke to find that both of my arms were numb and I could not swallow.

One of the men came around by my side and untied us from the tree. He was streaked with blood, but I don't think it was his. I motioned for him to remove the gag.

"Did we win?"

"No, the Uruk-Hai were slaughtered."

"You idiot! I meant did the humans win?"

"Yes, we did, but not without losses."

"How many?"

"Twelve."

"What did you do with the dead Uruk-Hai?"

"We have piled them and burned them. They are smoldering as we speak."

Ah, so that wasn't bacon.

He roughly shoved the gag back into my mouth. "We continue to ride."

Why with all this riding do I not feel in the least bit like John Wayne?

*~*~*

'How are you doing Babes?'

'I am fine. It has just been a very long night.'

'That it has.'

By now the sun had risen to mid morning. I was starting to get quite warm it was almost impossible to breathe with the gag on. I also was forced to ride at the back of the pack so the dust was not making my breathing any easier. I had not had anything to eat or drink for almost three days and they had not given me my bathroom break. But, all in all, I was okay; just very, very weak from lack of food and movement. (If you can call that okay!)

Suddenly the men went into the spinning turn that they had used on Babes and I the other day. Man, they would do nicely in a circus!

All of the men lowered their spears to the inside of the circle that they had formed. I couldn't see who/what was inside the circle. There were just too damn many people around me.

The leader dude then spoke, "What business does an elf, a man, and a dwarf have in the Riddermark?"

Elf? Dwarf? Man? Oh my God! It was those three! It had to be!

"Give me your name, horsemaster, and I shall give you mine," a gruff voice stated.

It was Gimli! The smelly, bad tempered old dwarf! I couldn't believe it!

Suddenly the leader got all pissy, "I would cut off your head, Dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground."

'Someone should really kick that guy's ass. He is really getting on my nerves.'

'Tell me about it, Babes. I would love to do the honors, but I highly doubt I could even tickle his ass let alone kick it—too weak.'

'Point taken.'

"You would die before your stroke fell!"

'I guess the elf beat us to it, huh Emily?'

'Yeah, damn.'

"I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn. This is Gimli, son of Gloin and Legolas from the Woodland realm. We are friends of Rohan and of Théoden, its king."

'Believe me, buddy. You don't want to be friends with these guys.'

'I completely agree with you. These guys scare me and this gag is really pissing me off!'

'Shh! I am trying to listen to this!'

'Well excuse me! You haven't been sitting for close to seventy-two hours!'

"Théoden no longer recognizes friend from foe," he paused for a moment. "Not even his own kin."

'Did you hear that Babes! His own relative exiled him! Booyah!'

Suddenly, with an unspoken order, all of the guys pulled their spears back from the center of the circle that they had made.

The leader still was speaking, (do you realize he still hadn't mentioned his name?), "Saruman has poisoned the mind of the king and has claimed lordship over this land. My company is those loyal to Rohan and for that we are banished. The White Wizard is cunning. He walks here and there they say, as an old man, hooded and cloaked. And everywhere his spies slip past our nets. In fact, we managed to catch one just the past day."

"We are not spies. What was this spy that you have captured?" Aragorn asked.

"You need not concern yourself. It is a trivial matter."

Trivial matter be damned!

'Babes, we need to get their attention!'

'You got it! Hang onto your ass!'

'I thought we had already been over my ability to grapple with an ass?'

At that instant, Babes managed to surprise the guys on either side of us (and me) and began to scream and kick around. I started to flail as much as I could and make as much noise as possible.

"What is that?"

"The spy. She is very troublesome mind you."

"She?"

"Yes it is a woman."

Come on Aragorn! Put two and two together! It's me!

"A woman you say?"

"Yes, she was traveling alone. She was the oddest woman I have ever seen."

At that moment, Babes managed to get loose from the guys holding us and bolted towards the center of the circle. She ran straight through. The men scattered.

We got to the center and Babes still was kicking around. The men tried to over power her, but they had yet to succeed. Suddenly, the ropes that were holding me to Babes back all snapped under the pressure. I fell hard to the ground. I was so weak that I couldn't move.

I tried to roll away from Babes, in case she stepped on me. But I couldn't even do that. I just lay there with my eyes squeezed shut.

Finally I heard her start to settle down again. I chanced opening my eyes and saw that they men had managed to tie her down again.

I'm not dead! Thank you Lordy!

I tried to roll to my back at least, but I could not manage at all. I lay were I had fallen. I was curled into as much of a ball as I could get into. I could barely breathe with my hair spread over my face as it was and my arms were pinned under me. Comfort at it's finest!

I still had the gag shoved into my mouth, so I couldn't even start to cuss Babes out. The whole mind-link thing is great, but it does not give off as much satisfaction as screaming at the person.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and flinched and tried to pull into myself even more. It didn't work.

I was gently turned over and the gag was removed. I tried to speak, but all that came out was a croak. That damn dust really does dry a person out let me tell you!

Suddenly something cold and quite wet was poured over my mouth. Water! Praise be! I gulped down as much as I could without turning into a fish and then tried to speak again.

"When—I –get—my—hands on the leader—of this half-assed circus—I am going to kill him."

I heard Aragorn above me; "She is all right!"

I opened my eyes and glared at him, "I will be even better if you can get me off the ground and untie me!"

"I was just about to, do not worry."

"Oh, no. How could someone worry when they are lying in the dirt tied up? I do this everyday!"

'Just shut up and hold still. As nice as it would be to see him actually slip, I have seen enough blood to last me a lifetime.'

"Shut up Babes."

Just then Aragorn slit my bounds and lifted me to my feet. I tried to stand by myself but my knees started to go on me. Damn, I hate being the weakling. It does nothing for your ego, believe me.

Aragorn waited a few moments and then set me on my feet again and stepped back. This time I lasted all of ten seconds before my face went down to kiss the ground. Luckily, Legolas was standing beside me and grabbed me under the arms before I made contact. He held me with one arm across my waist, letting me gain my balance again. It worked actually. Slowly, I gained back my balance. I was still very shaky and weak mind you, but I was better off then at first.

"You know this woman?" asked the leader.

"Damn straight they know me!"

"Then you are not a spy?"

"Where ever did you get that idea?"

"If you are friends with such honorable—"

"I was being sarcastic. I wasn't looking for an answer."

"Yes, milady."

"So that's how it is now! When you first met me you had me bound and gagged, but now that you know I have friends in high places, you are all buddy-buddy! Well you can kiss my ass!" I was now yelling at him, or at least as much as I could. Through out the whole tirade, he just sat there and looked at me levelly. "Are you not even going to respond to that? Or are you too high up on the social scale to talk to a lowly woman? I mean my God! You own family won't even have you anymore and you are still lording over others—"

I was cut off mid-sentence by a rather sharp spear to my throat.

"My kinsfolk are no concern of yours." He said in a deadly voice.

Okay, the only way to get out of this is to bluff. I hope I'm right…

"Why is it none of my concern? Because I am a woman?" I pressed.

"You shall hold your tongue!"

"Or you will do what?"

"Part your head's company with your body!"

"I would like to see you try! Then what? You could go around and tell people, 'Oh! Yeah, I got all pissed off at a woman that was making fun of my family so I chopped off her head! Look at me! I killed a poor defenseless woman! I am one hell of a manly man here people!' Is that what you are shooting for?"

"No, I—"

"Oh, get off your high horse and come back down to earth, er, Middle-Earth. You wipe your ass just like everyone else. You have no right to lord over me. I am a free woman and I will do what ever the hell I want! Got it buster?"

"Forgive me, milady. I was completely wrong. I should not have said what I said to you."

"You're right, you shouldn't have."

He slid off his horse and bowed to me. He then took my hand and kissed it.

"I seek your forgiveness, dear Lady."

"You will have it as soon as you let go of my hand. I am getting just a little freaked out here. I mean whoa! Talk about schizophrenia! One minute you are giving me death threats, the next you are kissing me. This is just a wee bit wrong, if you don't mind me saying."

"Yes, you are right. Forgive me, milady."

"Yeah, by the way, what is your name? I never did catch it. I mean that is understandable, I was tied up and riding in the dust, you were out killing Uruk-Hai—"

"You have witnessed a band of Uruk-Hai passing here?" interrupted Aragorn.

Immediately, he ignored me and turned to Aragorn. "Yes, we slew them last night. As we speak they are burning."

"But there were two Hobbits, did you see two Hobbits with them?" asked Gimli frantically.

"They would be small, only children to your eyes," Aragorn added.

"No, we left none alive."

"They are dead?" asked Gimli to no on in particular.

All three of them hung their head. Okay, something wasn't right here. What weren't they telling me?

Aragorn motioned to the distance, "Is that where they lie?"

"Well it sure isn't a family reunion barbecue." I rolled my eyes at him.

Suddenly the leader whistled into the midst of the men and called, "Arod! Hasufel!"

Just as he finished speaking, two gorgeous horses came trotting up to him. I saw Babes straighten up and stood still for once. I guess I wasn't the only one that noticed their good looks…

"May these horses bear you to better fortune then their former masters. Farewell. Look for your friends, but do not trust to hope. It has forsaken these lands."

He turned away from us, to his riders he shouted, "We ride north!"

With that he and his men left us. We stood there for a few more moments when I started to talk again.

"He's wrong, you know." They all looked at me. "Well, he is. If hope has forsaken these lands, then explain to me why you found me? I was hoping it was you, and what do you know? The instant that you start letting the world yank you down, it will suck you down like quicksand until there is nothing left. I'm not giving up hope, I don't know about you."

I let them digest my little piece of wisdom before I sprung my next question, "Now, who are the two Hobbits, and where is Boromir?"

They looked at me with much pain in their eyes. Gimli walked up to me and put his hand on my arm. I stared back at them before it dawned on me, "No. No! Not another him too! No."

"It is the truth. I am sorry."

"Thanks Gimli. How did he—how did he," I couldn't get the last part out.

Gimli understood my pain and answered for me, "He fell with honor. He took many enemies with him to the Dark Halls. He is at peace."

I nodded and rubbed my eyes vigorously. I still couldn't believe it, another friend, gone. I was not even there for the last moment. I am always in the wrong place at the wrong time, but in a different way then they mean.

I gave a sharp laugh at my thought, "I am just one hell of a screwed up individual. What about the Hobbits? Frodo?"

"I let him go," answered Aragorn. Even though I still didn't know what these guys were doing out here, I understood that what Aragorn did, took much inner-strength.

I nodded, "What about the others?"

"Sam decided to accompany Frodo. But, Merry and Pippin—"

"Oh God! They aren't—dead—too!"

"No! No. We are not sure. At Boromir's last battle, the Uruk-Hai took them when they fled. They are the Hobbits we were talking about."

I sunk down to my haunches and buried my face in my hands. I laughed bitterly, "If they managed to stay alive through that blood bath, then they really are super-Hobbits."

"What do you mean?"

"I was there! There is a slim chance that they made it through it, but I highly doubt it. It was awful. Awful."

"Battle always is."

"Yeah, it is. We should go. At least if they are…dead…then we should give them a burial at least. They should not burn with that scum."

They nodded. Aragorn walked over to Hasufel and swung up onto his back. Legolas went to Arod and talked softly to him for a moment before he too swung up. I walked unsteadily to Babes and she bent her front legs so I could clamber up onto her back. I then dug into my pack and found some lembas. Ah, nourishment!

"Thanks," I patted her neck.

She just shook her head.

"Come, Master Dwarf, you shall ride behind me," called Legolas.

"Dwarves were not made for riding a horse! I shall walk!"

"Gimli, do I need to come over there and kick you butt? Just get on the damn horse and let's go!"

He looked at me and gave me a small grin before walking over to Legolas and offered an arm to him. Legolas grabbed the arm and swung Gimli up behind him.

I heard him muttering something about 'tossing Dwarves.' Obviously an inside joke.

"Are we ready to go yet?"

"Let us go!" called Aragorn.

Babes had been waiting for this. As soon as he said that, she reared up and tossed her head a few times. It was actually fun. Babes had this planned, I could tell; when she bucked a few times, she twisted her body to make sure I would stay on. She reared a few more times before she took off running towards the pillar of smoke. This was the second time that I had seen her running like this. It was invigorating!

I looked back over my shoulder to see that Aragorn and Legolas were gaining fast. But, not fast enough! Babes was flying!

'Is it just me, or are you trying to impress someone?' I mind-asked her in a singsong voice.

'Is it that obvious?'

'Painfully.'

*~*~*

A/N: Sorry that took longer than I told everyone. But, as you can see, it just kept growing! If you hadn't noticed, I am now up to my armpits in The Two Towers. So if anyone has a 'vision' about what should happen next, drop me a line at abskii_79@hotmail.com

Much obliged!