12
Window Reflections
I Am Not Now
Nor Have I Ever Been
… A Spy
Her mother had suggested that she go upstairs and get to sleep early this evening, but Amanda really just wanted to participate in the normal activities of her household, so she had insisted on doing the dinner dishes. Plus, she could always think better with her hands methodically moving through the ritual of dish washing in the warm soapy water. Tonight she did have a lot to think about. Somehow having suffered partial amnesia and blocking out certain parts of her life had brought the very things she had blocked out to the forefront once her memory had been completely restored.
Emotionally complicated. That was what the doctor had said were often the type of things that were blocked in an amnesia case like hers. And what were those loaded emotional things? It was a short list, but a very clear list. There were three things on it. She had tried to convince herself that there were only two, but it was time to be completely honest. The Agency and Lee were two very different things even though they were linked. The third was Dean. Amanda let out a sharp breath that blew the hair out of her face. Somehow dealing with this seemed harder tonight than trying to stop Polo de Gregorio from flying that plane. She had been avoiding this for far too long.
In her mind she lined up the three emotionally complicated things. There was her work with the Agency. It was complicated by the fact that in order to do the job she had to lie to her family and she would have to continue to build a life of lies in order to keep them safe. Then there was Lee. He was part of the life of lies, but she had feelings associated with Lee that were separate from the work. That had become totally clear to her as she had sat with him on his couch earlier today. Even though she couldn't remember anything about him at that moment, she could sense that there was a personal bond between them that was strong and unique and very confusing. At the time she couldn't place it and for a moment there she had thought that they'd had … a thing. His answer was an emphatic "no" and even though she had been relieved that their relationship wasn't that type of complicated, it hadn't cleared up her confusion as to why she felt so close to him.
Which brought her to Dean. Lee had said that he didn't see the two of them together. Truth be told she didn't either. When she thought of these three things it reminded her of a sketch from a children's show that the boys used to watch. "One of these things is not like the others; one of these things just doesn't belong." It was Dean. He just didn't belong in her life anymore. It wasn't fair to anyone to keep on pretending that it could go any further. She had changed or she had realized what she wanted and Dean didn't fit. She had thought that she had wanted dependable. But now she realized that their relationship had been like Saltines after a stomach bug; she was a stronger woman now and she wanted something more substantial. As hard as it was to finally acknowledge that, it was a relief.
She looked out the window and sighed. That left the Agency and Lee. Well at least all the complicated things left were connected. She shook her head and laughed. What would she tell her mother? How could she construct a way for her to work with the Agency and the secrecy that went with it for the long term and still be able to maintain some semblance of honesty with her family? The conversation she and Lee had had in the elevator came back to her loud and clear. "You could always tell her that you were standing in your kitchen, you hear a noise and there is an incredibly handsome man standing there and one thing led to another…" Didn't she just wish it could be like that? Well, she could dream, couldn't she?