No Going Back

Chapter 25 - Now We Just Need A Destination

Beth sat there on the floor, blankly staring at Daryl as the world around her blurred and spun out of control...finally spinning so fast it spun right off its axis and crashed down around her, leaving her feeling more alone and desperate than she could ever remember, except for that one day. Of course she knew now that what had happened to her when she was only eleven had been despicable...awful and evil, but while it had been happening she hadn't really understood it, except for the physical pain. Now as the severity of both Daryl's injury and her situation sank in, panic and fear coursing through every sinew of her body, she wished she could trade the chaos and terror she was feeling now for the naive innocence she'd known back then.

Beth wished she could scream out like she had back then, too, but her voice wouldn't work and her body refused to move...as though those men were holding her down once more, stifling her cries as they broke her. Logically Beth knew even if she did cry out there was no 'help' of any kind anymore anyway, not like when she was eleven and there'd been doctors and nurses to mend her, police to protect her...and her daddy and mom and Maggie and Shaun to comfort her. No one was coming to help her this time, no one cared, and it seemed even God Himself had abandoned his children, leaving them to fend for themselves in this apocalyptic wilderness. She knew that all she had was Daryl. All Daryl had was her and that it was what she did in the next few hours that would determine whether he lived or died.

She was his only hope...

Beth quickly brushed away the tears from both cheeks with her fingertips, sniffing hard before clearing her throat. "Joshua, can you bring Caleb and Adam downstairs? Me and you are goin' out and they need to know what to do. I know they're young, but none of us get to sit this one out," Beth commanded with a renewed sense of determination as she stood herself up and straightened herself out.

"Sure," Josh replied as he nodded once, almost falling over himself as he started to make his way over to the stairs, stopping abruptly and turning on his heels as he heard Beth begin to shout, thinking it was more instructions meant for him. Only this time he quickly realised they weren't words meant for him...or anyone else in the house.

"Screw you life, screw you God...who the hell are you to mess with us like this? To give me this man, let me fall in love with him, let us find safety and show us a future...only to take it all from us? Fuck you! I won't let ya take him from me. I won't. You're supposed to love us. You're supposed to protect us. Why did ya let this happen? If you don't care, if you won't help him, then I'm goin' to." Beth was ranting at everything and everyone...at God, at fate and at destiny, and anybody else she wasn't even sure was out there anymore. Her voice was loud and shaky from the electrifying rage now sparking through her veins as she picked up a cushion from the armchair and launched it with force at the wall furthest from her, letting out a stifled scream of frustrated anger.

Joshua watched the blondes outburst in disbelief, with what he knew was an open mouth and big wide eyes. He was witnessing Beth transform right before his very eyes from the sweet natured, caring, meek girl that had taken them in, into one scary-ass motherfucker that he made a mental note to never cross in the future. As shocked as he was from the unexpectedness of it, seeing it unfold hadn't scared him, not really. He'd found it inspiring to hear such commitment and devotion. It reminded him of how his parents had been and gave him hope that maybe one day he'd be lucky enough to find someone as passionate about him as Beth was about Daryl.

After her outburst Beth felt...not better, but stronger somehow maybe. The room was no longer a spinning chaos and the incessant noise in her head had stopped. As she honed in on the silence of the house once more she could hear Daryl's irregular shallow wheezing, she could hear Joshua's light but quick footsteps as he bounded upstairs, two steps at a time probably, to fetch his brothers. She felt more focused and much calmer than she had done since even before Daryl had been shot.

Beth crouched back down to where he lay and she checked him over. Joshua had been right, Daryl was definitely showing the early signs of an infection; he was burning up, sweating, wheezing, shivering, and the edges of his wound were inflamed, raw and angry looking. He needed fluids, pain relief and antibiotics... and he'd needed them hours ago.

"Baby, ya really ain't makin' this easy for me are ya? Now I gotta go shoppin' for meds to make ya better. We were s'posed to go shoppin' together... remember? For nice stuff and not in the middle of the night. Now I'm gonna hafta take Joshua instead. So no gettin' jealous and sulky again thinkin' the poor boy's makin' eyes at me. Promise? You're the only man I want makin' eyes at me, the only man I'm ever gonna want. You and me against the world. Remember what I told ya? You're gonna be the last man standin'," Beth told him seriously, lifting his hand and kissing his fingertips. "Caleb's gonna take care of ya while we're gone, so don't scare the boy. Please, baby. Ya know how nervous he is," she pleaded as she held Daryl's hand against her cheek. "Just hold on for me. I love you. I love you so much," Beth told him, replacing his hand by his side and busying herself with tucking the edges of his blankets under his body to stop her tears from falling. "Anyway I'm gonna be back real soon and you're gonna get better, then we're gonna carry on with our perfect life and do all those things we talked about, 'fore that man did this to us," Beth whispered, as she stroked her fingers through Daryl's now soaked hair, her other hand squeezing onto his to let him know she was still there.

"Just hang on a little bit longer, baby." As Beth whispered those last words, Daryl's eyelids slowly fluttered open. His lips parted and moved as he mumbled something Beth couldn't decipher. But what she did feel were his burning hot sweaty fingers twitching and grasping against hers.

Beth's huge optimistic blue eyes met his for nothing more than a split second before his eyelids shut again and his fingers fell away from hers. But that didn't matter. Beth knew even though his injury was obviously worsening, he was somehow still fighting it. Still hanging in there. And if he wasn't giving up, if he wanted to come back to her, then she wasn't giving up either. She was ready to do whatever it took to make sure he got another chance.

"Sshhhsshh, you're gonna need all your energy. Ya don't hafta say anythin'. I know, baby. I know you're still with me. You're gonna be fine. I'm gonna get ya everythin' ya need. Just lie still and let me take care of you." Beth kissed his hot sweaty forehead and gently squeezed his hand, feeling him returning her grasp momentarily but with even more force than before. Typical Daryl, always needing the last word and never doing as he was told, Beth thought as she let a tiny smile tug at the corner of her mouth.

That stubbornness of his was all she needed to see. It was confirmation Daryl could hear her and he was still fighting.

Daryl really was fighting, too, harder than he'd ever fought before...and for someone that had spent his entire life fighting just to survive, that was saying something. He'd fought like a goddamn rabid dog to escape the silent darkness that had taken him away from his Beth hours before.

He'd heard her distantranting at God and he'd felt her fear over the confusion and turmoil she was feeling. That was what had finally pulled him back to her. He knew she needed him, he knew her faith was crumbling and she needed someone to tell her it was okay...he also knew he'd crawl over hot coals and face the goddamn Devil himself to be that someone.

AsDaryl had felt her soft hands touching him, soothing him with the gentle caress he knew he would never tire of, he found enough energy to move his fingers, open his eyes and tell her to keep the faith...but actually he hadn't...because it wasn't so much words that came out when he opened his mouth as a jumble of fucking nonsense mumbles and moans. Jesus, he couldn't even do that right.

After everything Beth had done for him, after saving him and loving him and giving him hope there could be a future for them, he couldn't even form words. The story of his fucking life. His stupid ass wasn't even worth saving...it definitely wasn't worth Beth risking her life for, or losing her faith over. But he couldn't make his voice work anymore than he could ever stop loving her. The constant and relentless shifting of his body through unbearable heat then icy cold, the shivering and shaking, the pain radiating from his shoulder and throughout his entire being, was all too much for him.

He wished he could wrap his arms around his beautiful girl one more time and lie in the darkness with her as he told her everything was going to be fine...because he loved her and he wasn't about to miss out on the future she'd promised him because of a goddamn bullet wound...

Beth heard a flurry of footsteps and turned to see all three of her boys stood in the doorway. Beth smiled as much as she could, but it didn't reach her eyes, not even close. She beckoned the little two over to her. "Hey, Joshua and me have gotta go out for a while. So, Caleb, you're in charge, okay? You're the man of the house. Adam, you do whatever Caleb says." Both boys nodded at the blonde, a sad look of confusion settling on Caleb's face as Beth explained further and wrapped an arm around each of their waists.

"Daryl needs special medicine to get better. He won't wake up properly until he has it. So Joshua and me have to go get some, and you two have to make sure Daryl and the house are taken care of while we're gone," Beth started, lowering her grasp on their waists and grabbing the hands of the boys as they stood either side of her. "Caleb, you need to make sure Daryl drinks plenty of water and that he stays warm. He needs to sweat the fever out. He might start talkin' nonsense and movin' around but that's normal, don't be scared. Adam, sweetie, you need to talk at him and hold his hand...chatter about anythin' you like, tell him about The Jungle Book...he needs to know you're here is all. If he does come round, you need to stop him movin' until we get back. Keep him calm. Don't let him get up. Can you do that?" Beth asked, smiling sweetly as she looked first at Caleb then Adam, trying not to scare them more than they already were.

Caleb nodded, even though tears were trickling down his cheeks now and he was shaking with fear. Beth looked up at Joshua and he seemed to understand she needed his help.

Josh stepped forward and unfurled both his younger brothers hands from around Beth's, turning them to look at him. "You can do this. We won't be gone long and all you have to do is stay here with Daryl. Keep him company and make sure he has water. Keep everything locked, keep the lights off, keep quiet and stay together."

Both boys nodded at their big brother and he kissed them both on the temple, wiping away Caleb's tears. "I know you can do it," he whispered encouragingly. "Everything will be just fine."

Caleb turned to look over his shoulder at Beth for a moment. "I'll look after him. Promise. I'll take care of Adam, too. You don't need to worry," Caleb said with conviction, sniffing hard and smiling sweetly.

"I can look after Mister, too. I'll lay next to him then he won't have bad dreams like I do sometimes," Adam added as he swung from his brothers waist, not really understanding the seriousness of what was happening.

"I know ya will, Caleb. You're a good boy. You, too, Adam. You're both good boys. Patch is gonna stay with ya. He'll let you know if there's any danger out there. We'll be back as soon as we can... by mornin'," Beth reassured. She hoped they could find what they needed by then. She knew it would be easy to find somewhere that would have the basic drugs she needed...a pharmacy, clinic, hospital, college, school, even a veterinary clinic. But Beth also knew nothing was ever that straightforward anymore and was well aware they might not make it back with the drugs in time...or at all.

"Okay. Joshua, you go put Daryl's bike in the back of the truck and make sure they both have a full tank of gas. There's cans in the garage. Caleb, go collect up all the weapons we have. Monkey, you're gonna help me pack supplies." Beth gave out her orders, picking Adam up and hoisting him onto her hip as everyone followed them in silence and without question.

In less than ten minutes Josh and Caleb were headed back to the living room, Josh panting and sweating from all the exertion, and Caleb breathing heavily as he hauled a sheet across the floor filled with knives and guns, an assortment of scary looking tools, and his brothers bow and arrows. Caleb left the beat up crossbow where it was. Even he already understood not to touch that... it was Daryl's. They looked up at each other, too nervous and breathless to speak as their hearts pounded and they waited for Beth and more instructions. Only a few seconds later and Beth appeared, just as breathless, with a huge empty backpack on one shoulder, Adam clinging to the other like she was a climbing frame, and a smaller backpack filled with water, a flashlight and a basic first aid kit swinging from her forearm.

"Now we just need a destination. Maybe there's a map around here?" Beth panted quizzically as she placed Adam on the floor and dropped the backpacks into the armchair, her eyes scanning the room.

"What about that big box of books?" asked Caleb.

"Hmmm, I forgot about those. You go check there, I'll check the basement." Beth and Caleb ran off again in opposite directions leaving Josh deep in thought.

The truck. He was sure he'd noticed a map when he was in there with Daryl. He remembered thinking how strange it was because hardly anyone used an actual road atlas to navigate anymore...or at least they hadn't done before the turn...especially in a brand new flashy car like that one. Thank goodness for the few technically challenged people out there, he mused.

He bolted back out of the house and flung open the door to the passenger side of the truck, scrambling around in the dark and pulling out a handful of paperwork from the glove compartment. He quickly flicked through it, discarding it piece by piece before carrying on blindly searching the interior. He eventually caught his fingers on the spiral binding of a book that was pushed almost completely under the back seat.

Josh ran back indoors clutching the map, flicking through the pages to try to pinpoint their location as he almost knocked over his youngest brother. "Hey, found it!" he gasped as he deftly caught Adam and pulled him against his leg, ruffling his mop of blonde hair in apology, Adam of course thinking it was highly amusing to be thrown roughly around like a toy by his eldest brother.

Josh looked up to find both Beth and Caleb empty handed and staring at him in anticipation. "Okay, we passed a town a way back...just before dad died, and it looked pretty much untouched. Except for walkers. We were going to stay but they knew we were there. There were too many for me and dad to deal with so we moved on," recalled Josh as he continued to locate both their house and the mystery town, which he knew was south of where they were now, as they'd always kept their path due north.

"How far away? Do you remember seein' a pharmacy there? A clinic? Anywhere we might get medical supplies from?" Beth quizzed impatiently, her heart now racing again.

"Yeah. Both, I think. And an animal clinic. It's maybe five days away on foot. Couple of hours by car. But the walkers?" Josh asked as he finally located it on the map, or what he was 90% sure was the same town they'd passed just weeks ago.

"They might have moved on. If not we can distract them. I just need ten minutes to get in and out," Beth told him, her brain in overdrive trying to decide what kind of plan Daryl would come up with for this. Daryl wouldn't plan it though. He'd just go...he'd do what he needed to do without even thinking. But Beth knew she didn't have the strength or speed or stamina to survive like Daryl could. Going in blind like that would be stupid...even with Joshua by her side. The only way she would make it out alive is if she planned every last detail. Covered every eventuality.

Fire. Beth knew fire was a great way to distract the mindless decaying corpses...she'd learned that from watching the farm burn to the ground...then the prison...then the moonshine shack. Fires were like pretty neon signs to walkers.

"We're goin'. It's worth a shot, and if it's too over-run or scavenged when we get there then we'll pick another town. Caleb, why don't ya pick out another place near to us." Beth took the map from Josh and gave it to the dark haired boy. His choice was as good as anyone else's. There were walkers pretty much everywhere now and most places had been picked over and looted. One drug stash was much the same as another. As long as it had the meds she needed to save her man she didn't give a damn if she had to go to Timbuktu to get them.

"Josh, I might have an idea, but we're gonna need one of the crates of wine from the basement, a sheet, and a lighter."

"I'm on it!" Josh understood of course, taking off to gather up what they needed. He decided he would load an extra can of gas onto the back of the truck, too. If setting the rotting corpses on fire was what Beth was planning, then he'd make sure every single one of them burned until they were ash.

Beth walked over to Daryl and lifted the edge of his blankets, unsettling Patch from his place on the covers at Daryl's side. "Sorry boy," she apologised to the dog as she slid her hand into Daryl's pants pocket to retrieve the Zippo she knew would be there. "Hey, no gettin' any ideas, Mr Dixon. I just want your lighter. I'll bring it back, and more besides, baby," Beth whispered as she tucked him back in and ran one hand over his brow, feeling him shake under her touch as her other hand scratched behind Patch's ear affectionately.

"Here! You should try this place," Caleb offered. "It's called Anderson. It's further out but it doesn't look too big." Adam widened his eyes in disbelief at his brothers words, not believing a place could have the same name as him. "Anderson?" He asked, turning his head from side to side sharply and grinning. "That's my name!" he shouted loudly, before covering his mouth with his hand and giggling, realising he was supposed to keep quiet.

Caleb glowered at his brother and Beth stared at the sweet toddler for a moment before looking up at the dark haired brother. "I hope we won't need a back up, but I can't think of a better place to go if we do." Beth gently squeezed the boy's shoulder and smiled at him, her other hand pulling the still giggling blonde against her thigh for a hug. "Well, I hope Adam Monkey Anderson is gonna be a quiet boy while we're gone?" Beth asked as she stroked his nodding head. "Why don't ya go on and giggle like that at Daryl, ya might wake him up, then you'll be for it!" Beth threatened playfully, guiding the boy over to the couch where he knelt down on the floor beside Daryl.

Adam began to haphazardly and roughly pat Patch's head with one hand while his curious little face stared intently at the unmoving man next to him. After a few seconds he started to carefully stroke his tiny soft fingers through the whiskers on the archers chin much like he had the night before when Daryl had settled him. The boy leant forward and ever so quietly asked the archer if he was going to eat supper with them later, because "you didn't eat supper last night, or breakfast or dinner today and so you must be real hungry!" When the grumpy man didn't respond Adam looked completely confused but carried on undeterred. "Do you want some candy, Mister? And cookies? The nice lady said you like eating candy everyday!"

Beth watched the interaction as a lump caught in her throat. "That's it. He'll like that you're talkin' to him. Mr Grumpy pants ain't one for talkin' much, but he likes listenin' to people." Beth sucked in a breath to steady herself before looking around impatiently.

"Joshua, you finished? We gotta go," she called out, Joshua simultaneously poking his head around the front door as if on cue.

"Yeah, we're ready," he replied. "Now you two, sit there and be quiet. Caleb, when we're gone, lock up and keep the lights turned off. You'll have to make do with the candles in here." Josh walked over to his brothers, crouched down and gave them a huge hug. "Here, keep this with you. Just in case." Joshua handed his brother the biggest hunting knife he thought he could handle, kissed his forehead, stood up and left, hoping his brother wouldn't need to use that, or any weapon while they were gone.

Beth walked over to the couch one last time, leaning over Adam's blonde curls to press her lips to Daryl's cheek. "I'll be back soon so don't you dare go anywhere without me," she mumbled as a warning into his burning, stubble covered flesh before looking between the two small boys who were now both staring at her as though she knew the answers to all life's questions. When really she didn't even know how she was still functioning. Love, she supposed. Love for Daryl, for their life, for these kids. Love that was coursing through her veins and keeping her heart beating and her body moving more than her blood alone ever could.

"Hey, it's all gonna be okay. We'll be back before you know it." Beth smiled and cupped their chins. "See you later, alligator." Beth winked at Caleb and she swore she saw his eyes light up and a flicker of a smile grace his lips before he turned pink and looked to the ground. She already loved the way he reminded her so much of Daryl in almost every way. His quietness, shyness, and awkwardness especially. Like he was actually Daryl's flesh and blood. But right now it was just another painful reminder of what she might never see again if she couldn't get back with the meds Daryl needed. "And I'll see you soon lil' monkey!" she teased as she looked at Adam and tapped her fingers gently under his chin, making him chuckle...quietly this time.

On her way out she picked up Daryl's crossbow... hoisting it over her shoulder and refusing to look back. There was no going back now, she had her job to do, and Daryl had his. To stay alive until morning.

Beth and Joshua strode out into the still of the night, Beth tossing the crossbow and backpacks onto the back seat of the truck to sit with the other weapons Josh had already loaded. She passed the map to her new partner. "You navigate and I'll drive?" she asked, although they both knew it was more of a statement as Josh nodded his agreement and they settled into their respective seats.

"Riding shotgun means I get to choose the music, right?!" he asked, trying to lighten the mood.

Beth rolled her eyes and started the engine. "Typical man!" she chuntered as music started to blare out...the same music that had been playing the last time she'd been inside the truck.

Beth leant forward and twisted the control, her stomach churning as she turned off the slow rhythmical drum beat that only reminded her of what they'd been doing in here just one night ago...before they'd found the boys, before they'd encountered that man again, before Daryl had been shot...before the brief moment of happiness she'd found had collapsed around her like a house of goddamn cards once more. "No music. Not right now." Beth turned back to face the windshield and grabbed the wheel, she revved the engine, killed the headlights and hoped she could keep it together for the next few hours as she rolled the Toyota through the gates, along the driveway and out onto the road.

Nearly two hours later and after some excellent navigating on Joshua's part, first around a pile up of vehicles and then through a herd of walkers feasting on a deer, they arrived unscathed on the outskirts of what proved to be the correct town...or at least the town he'd remembered passing through. Whether it was really the right place or not was yet to be discovered. Only when they were home safely with the right meds inside Daryl would it be known as the correct town.

"Pull up here. It's a bit of a walk to the clinic but we shouldn't take the truck any further if there's a chance we could do this on foot," Josh told her. "We'll check out how many walkers are surrounding the place and then decide. If we think there's too many for us to handle on foot, we'll come back for the truck... or we can try Anderson."

Beth nodded as she pulled up onto the sidewalk of the empty street, cutting the engine and quickly gathering both backpacks and a few knives from the back seat. Josh picked up his bow and arrows and the biggest knife, securing it to his hip as he closed the doors and took a good look at Beth over the roof of the truck. "I can do this on my own, Beth. If you're not up to it..." he started, seeing just how frail and vulnerable she suddenly seemed stood against the wide open expanse of dark, unknown, and probably very dangerous territory behind her.

"M'fine," she snapped before looking over to the brunette and feeling a pang of guilt as she realised he only meant to help. "Really, I'm fine. C'mon, a quick in and out, that's all it's gonna be. You'll see. Besides you won't know what you're lookin' for. I'm also not lettin' you take all the credit for savin' him!" Beth explained in a softer tone.

They both acknowledged each other with smiles...forced faked smiles that were meant to disguise the fear and panic that was currently overwhelming both their minds and bodies. Not that it worked, both knew how the other was feeling, because it was how they were feeling, too.

Right now it was only the pure adrenaline coursing through their veins that kept their momentum going as they stalked silently through the moonlit streets, methodically and mindlessly taking turns at stabbing any stray walker that stumbled towards them with its teeth gnashing. Beth had learned, way back at the prison when she'd taken her turn on fence duty, to zone out when killing them. She'd cried herself to sleep too many nights over it, but it was Tyreese that eventually helped her through it. They both understood that although these people were walking corpses now, they used to be someone...they were people once, they had families, friends, lives, and they deserved respect and a quick dignified ending. Beth wasn't naive enough to think they wouldn't kill her if given the chance, and she knew she had no choice but to finish them...but she also knew she would never, ever, get used to it.

After ten minutes of walking side by side, eyes constantly scanning their surroundings for danger, Joshua grabbed Beth's arm and stopped her in her tracks, gently pulling her against the side of a building, his wide dark eyes burning into hers. "I think it's around that corner. The street with the clinic," he whispered, pointing to his right as Beth's gaze followed his finger. "Let me go check it out first," he added. Despite how hard Beth's heart was thumping in both fear and relief, his warm breath felt strangely comforting to her as it skimmed against her cool skin, making her shudder and pulling her from the daze she'd been trapped in since they'd left the truck.

Beth nodded her agreement and Josh let go of her arm, leaving her feeling bereft and alone once more.

Josh clung to the safety of the shadows and buildings as he quickly disappeared from view. Beth sucked in a deep breath and slowly released it to steady her nerves and wake herself up, scanning the area around her for danger once more, constantly aware that if she messed this up, not only would Daryl die, but Josh could die, too. Worst of all, those two sweet little boys that she already loved like they were her own would perish, too. That thought only fuelled her resolve to get home and to keep her family safe.

Joshua was back within minutes, panting as quietly as he was able as blood dripped from his knife, arms and head.

"Oh my god, Joshua. Are you hurt? Are you bit? Let me see!" Beth grabbed gently at his arm, then his head, rifling through her backpack for bandages before he could catch his breath to answer.

"Not my blood...next street over...killed half a dozen walkers...good news...the clinic looks untouched...about 30 walkers out front...12 around back," Josh gasped. He was still breathing as quietly as he could as Beth cleaned him up, refusing to believe he was okay until she'd checked every inch of him herself.

"So we go in the back door? We can take 12, right?" Beth asked with trepidation, needing confirmation she was doing the right thing as she nervously played with the knife at her hip. Suddenly that gnawing ache in the pit of her stomach was back with a vengeance; Beth didn't know if it was just the bleeding from earlier back, or if it was nerves, fear or panic...

"I guess, but maybe not quickly enough to stop the ones out front from hearing."

"Okay, so what about a distraction? If we set a big enough fire they'll be distracted with that, not us," Beth suggested, hoping Joshua would back her, but wishing that Daryl was here with her, guiding her and reassuring her she was doing fine. Giving her encouragement and belief in herself just like he always did. She desperately needed to hear his voice, to feel his strong comforting hand on her face as he kissed her and told her she could do this. As he told her she would be okay.

"I'll go back and get Daryl's bike. I'll draw them out, set the fire then keep circling around taking out as many as I can while you get whatever you need from inside."

"No that's too risky. What if you fall, or they follow you and not the flames? There's too many," Beth countered as hysteria found her. In her head it had seemed easy. She'd needed to believe it would be easy, but this was dangerous and the possibility that one, or both of them might not make it back was becoming very, very real.

"I owe him. I might not be here right now if it weren't for Daryl. And I owe you. You took us in, you helped us and Daryl killed that man to save me...even if that was only part of the reason, end result is I'm still here because of what he did. My brothers are still here because of what you did. I'm gonna do what I need to give you time to get in and out of the clinic," he told her forcefully. "In and out, remember?" Joshua gave her a beautiful smile filled with everything she needed to see; hope, encouragement and optimism, and Beth couldn't help but smile back at him. This time it was a proper smile, too, full of affection and gratitude.

Beth wasn't going to argue with him. There was no time and she'd promised both herself and Daryl that she'd save his ass. Whatever it took. Joshua was stronger, faster and more capable than her, truthfully he probably could have done this whole mission on his own without her burdening him.

"Thank you." It was all she could find to say. Those two words didn't seem enough though as she wrapped her arms around his neck and squeezed him tightly. Too many people she loved had been taken away from her unfairly, people she hadn't had chance to say goodbye to...Joshua wasn't about to be another. "If I don't make it back, please try to save Daryl and promise me you'll take good care of your brothers. Stay in our house for as long as you can. We were so glad to meet you all, me and Daryl." Beth pulled back and sniffed away more tears, she cast her eyes downwards and rummaged around in her pocket before handing Josh Daryl's lighter and the bigger empty backpack. "You'll need these. Just be careful. Promise you'll be careful. I only need ten minutes," she pleaded as she closed his fingers around the lighter with her own and squeezed firmly.

Josh covered her hand with his free one, gently stroking his thumb over her knuckles. "Hey, I'm not planning on dying today, I already survived one maniac that wanted to kill me. I guess I'm feeling lucky. And I'm definitely not letting anything happen to you. So just go...go get what you need. Once you see the fire and the walkers moving towards it, that's your chance. I'll try to take out any stragglers and then I'll meet you back at the truck. If I'm not back there by the time you are, go without me. I know the way back. I'll get there somehow, you just get back with those meds." With that he turned and left.

Beth stood leaning against the building as she watched Josh running back in the direction of the truck. Within seconds he'd disappeared into the night and she was left all alone again. She took a deep breath and focussed her attention on the job she had to do... she wasn't about to let anyone down. Least of all the man...or men, she loved.

By the time Josh got back to the Toyota, he was breathless and utterly shattered. He wasn't unfit by any means, but the last 24 hours had been like pounding away on some kind of nightmarish treadmill that he couldn't switch off, one that's speed and gradient had been constantly increasing until his legs had buckled from under him and he was flung mercilessly against the floor. It'd started out a promising day; an easy run for supplies, a harmless killing contest, then it had quickly escalated into the chaotic nightmare of Daryl being shot right in from of him... the trauma to get him home, the drama at the house, the horror of settling his brothers and seeing Beth so distraught, the utter helplessness of it all...then the gradual release of the anger that had been building inside him for months as the chaos dissipated...only to be swiftly followed by more pain, more killing, more running, more turmoil.

He propped himself against the back of the truck and took a second to compose himself. He knew if he could just get himself and Beth through tonight things would get better. Daryl would mend and they could live safely together. His brothers would have a home and he would have peace...for a while anyway. If he messed this up though, if Beth died, if Daryl died, he'd be back to where he'd been only a day ago. Parentless, homeless, directionless and alone with two helpless kids in an apocalyptic wilderness...a dead man walking.

Josh let out a deep long breath and shook his head, running his fingers through his hair as he swung into action. He dropped down the flap at the back of the truck and dragged the motorcycle to the ground. He knocked down the kickstand and grabbed the crate of wine from the back of the truck bed. He used the corkscrew on his dad's Swiss army knife to take out the corks one by one, and the knife to help tear the bed sheet into strips. He cobbled together eleven explosives and used the twelfth bottle of wine to douse the tops of the rags. Their plan had one massive flaw though...there was no way he could ride a motorcycle whilst trying to dodge a herd of hungry walkers, carry, light and throw 11 explosives, and successfully defend himself. So he decided to change it up...

Beth was starting to panic. She'd stayed calm for a long as she could, telling herself Joshua needed time to prepare, but it had been almost half hour since he ran into the darkness and there was still no sign of him. Maybe he'd changed his mind. She couldn't blame him, not really. This whole mission was pretty much a death sentence...a night time raid on a heavily surrounded building by two inexperienced teenagers...yes, she could completely understand why an almost 17 year old guy would just be bursting to sacrifice himself for a man he didn't really know and who had so far been less than welcoming to him.

Just as those terrifying thoughts entered her mind, only adding to the tumult that had already taken up residence there, she heard the rumble of a vehicle...not Daryl's bike but the Toyota. Beth didn't have to wonder what was happening for long because moments later she saw Joshua driving through the centre of town at speed. He was creating as much noise as possible; music blaring from the open windows, the engine revving and the horn honking. What the hell was he doing? They needed an inconspicuous distraction not a siren that carried for miles.

Beth watched as he raced like a maniac up and down the street, seemingly enjoying himself a little too much as he swung round in huge circles, sliding sideways before his foot went to the floor again. It was working though, Beth was watching the streets, and the dead seemed to appear from everywhere to follow the noise. She thought maybe only a few more minutes and she could start to make her way to the clinic. Beth kept to the shadows as she crept out from her place against the wall, carefully sliding around the front of the building and around into the next street. She could see the clinic clearly from there. Walkers were scattered thinly around the whole building but they seemed more interested in the blaring music and the screeching of tires on tarmac than looking for food right now.

Beth swung her head round as she heard the distant splintering of glass and the loud whooshing of an explosion. Then a huge burst of bright orange flames shot high into the night sky, over the roofs of the buildings before illuminating a sizeable area of the street, which hopefully was attracting not just her attention but that of every single walker in the town. She had no idea what Josh was playing at, but right now she was just grateful it was working. As the dead started to follow the raging fire like moths to a flame, Beth saw her chance and ran as fast as she could towards the clinic. The back door still looked the best option, the front area was still too exposed. A wrong move and the walkers would be more interested in her than the pretty flames.

She slid around the corner of the building too quickly though and ran straight into the path of three sluggish walkers. They were obviously following the commotion but hadn't quite made it around the front yet. She grabbed the knife at her hip and ran forward into the one closest, quickly despatching it as the other two headed straight for her, arms outstretched and teeth coming to life as they caught her scent.

Beth decided to go on the offensive. If she waited for them to come to her they might overpower her, two on one. She charged towards them, arm stretched back and knife poised, quickly stabbing the first straight through the eye as she grunted in effort. Her knife retracted easily from the soft squishy flesh as it fell to the ground in a heap. The last one caught her off guard, its long arm grabbing the ends of her hair and yanking with surprising strength as it pulled her forward and almost off her feet. It twisted her sideways, holding tightly as it forced the blonde towards its hungry jaws, its other bony hand finding purchase on her opposite shoulder.

Beth pulled back with every ounce of strength she could find, wriggling and twisting herself loose as she somehow kept the walkers snapping jaws at arms length, her knife slashing futilely into thin air, only just slicing the rotten arms of the man holding her.

Beth took a deep breath, lashing out one final time with all her strength, grunting loudly as she stamped and kicked the mans knee as hard as she could until it snapped the fragile decomposing bone in two with a blood curdling crack. The walker stumbled and tipped sideways and Beth took the chance to snatch back her shoulder and ram her blade as deep as she could into its temple, leaving it buried there as she held on and tumbled to the ground with its lifeless hand still tangled in her ponytail.

The blonde used the walker to break her fall best she could before finally pulling free her hair. Beth sat astride the dead man for a second, gasping and shaking but keenly surveying the area for any other walkers that might have heard the struggle. There didn't seem to be any so she tugged her knife from the walkers skull, wiping it clean on her jeans before crossing the short way to the rear door of the clinic.

A breathless Beth grabbed for the handle, rattling it and twisting it frantically but finding it locked. Without a second thought she used the handle of her knife to smash through the glass. She hit the pane too hard though and her wrist accidentally passed through the shattering glass, slicing it open as it caught on a nasty shard still sticking up from the bottom of the doorframe. She cried out as it tore into her flesh and warm blood started to gush freely from the gash. The thick dark red liquid trickled quickly to her elbow before dripping in big heavy droplets to the ground below.

Beth cursed herself but carried on regardless, she could see it hadn't opened any main arteries and so she knew she would be okay for now. She knocked the remaining glass from its frame and pushed her arm back through the hole, unlocking the door from the inside and pushing it open. It was dark and quiet inside. Seemingly untouched by the end of the world...eerily quiet if Beth was truthful. It seemed almost too good to be true that it was going to be this easy to get what she needed.

Beth couldn't shake the uneasy feeling she was still getting, but shuffled the backpack off her shoulders so she could locate the flashlight and bandages. She gave the place a cursory wave of the flashlight to double check for danger (because she could hear Daryl telling her off for being sloppy, not because she thought there was any imminent danger there). As she expected there was nothing except a tidy, neat empty waiting area. Beth let out a long sigh of relief, followed by a short sharp gasp as an excruciating pain shot from her fingers to her elbow as she flexed her wrist. She took a second to cover and bandage the now throbbing cut, fully aware it would need stitches but trying not to think about it.

Beth grabbed her stuff and made her way around the back of the reception area and into the main area of the clinic. She moved quickly, reading the door plaques using the beam from her flashlight in an attempt to identify the drug store or medical supply cupboard. She rounded the corner, where only two doors along on the right she found what she was looking for. As the light shone across the face of the door she also found a note pinned there. She ripped it down and held it under the light.

I couldn't kill my babies. God forgive me, it was easier to kill myself. Please don't hurt them. It wasn't their fault.

Beth swallowed hard as her heart first sank with sadness, then thumped with fear as she dropped the note to the ground before tentatively trying the door handle. It didn't move. She rattled it again, turning and twisting, desperate now to get in and out as quickly as she could, to get away from this place, but it was locked tight. A sudden clattering noise from inside shattered the otherwise silent corridor around her. She raised her knife defensively as she spun around, her pulse banging like a drum in her ears as she scanned the area, realising she really was stupid to have imagined this would be as easy as it first looked.

Beth stretched up and ran her hand along the top of the door frame to check for a key. She knew it was a long shot...and was quickly proved right. As she looked around for inspiration she noticed the door at the far end of the corridor was slightly ajar. She started to walk forwards, maybe it was sheer curiosity or maybe it was her sixth sense kicking in, but something was drawing her to it. She stopped outside to read the dulled brass plaque still proudly displaying the name of the occupant.

'Caroline Karwowski MD'

Beth gently pushed on the door until it was fully open, her blood still rushing loudly in her ears and her stomach churning and cramping once more as she held her breath. Beth kept a tight hold on her knife as she shone her flashlight around the small space, immediately dry-retching as she saw the back wall. It was splattered red with dried blood and brain matter. As Beth glanced down she found a virtually headless decomposed body slumped over a desk. A woman. Caroline Karwowski MD, no doubt. Her stomach heaved once more at the sickening sight, but her heart broke, too, to think about how desperate this poor woman must've been to do that. To watch her children turn into monsters and know she must kill them.

It was all so horrifying, it was the most heart-breaking thing she'd encountered since leaving the prison. But as much as Beth wanted to rant and shout how unfair it was, Beth knew she needed to tamp down her emotions once more and keep going now she was so close to the finish line. She needed to find the keys to the medical store and find what she came for. She put down her knife and began to ransack the room...cabinets, the desk top, drawers, shelves...but she found nothing. Then she noticed a purse under the desk, she quickly tipped out the contents but again found nothing except car keys.

Beth stopped, her eyes frantically looking around once more for any place she might have missed. She couldn't see anywhere else they could be...so...they had to be on the woman. Beth groaned, remembering the last time this had happened to her back at the junk yard. Why were the damn keys always hidden on the mutilated, bloodied, and rotten corpse? And why was it always her that had to retrieve them? Beth closed her eyes and sunk her hand into the dead woman's coat, feeling around and pulling out a single small key.

As Beth looked up over the desk a glimmer of light bouncing off a silver photo frame caught her eye. She picked it up and shone her flashlight over it, rubbing her thumb across the glass to clear the bloody smears. It was the doctor, a dark haired man and three children. They all looked so happy...it reminded her of the photograph that used to hang in her parents hallway back at the farm. Shaun, Maggie, her mom and dad; all gone now, dead, taken from her. But unlike this poor woman, Beth had managed to find herself a new family to start over with...one that was relying on her, where what she did in the next moments would determine their future.

Beth lifted the woman's hand and placed the frame under it, reuniting her with her family again. She picked up her knife, closed the door and ran back to the supply room, ramming the key into the lock then freezing. There was now a weak banging and scratching noise coming from the other side of the door.

Beth knew exactly what the sound was.

As her mouth went dry and her hands trembled, she secured her backpack, stuffed the flashlight in her pocket and gripped hold of her knife. She turned the key, twisted the handle and pushed the door open with one strong hard shove. She felt resistance on the other side as a body was knocked over and to the ground.

Louder groans and gnashing of teeth now started as the walker children caught the scent of the fresh blood from Beth's arm. Beth readied herself in the hallway, using the moonlight to illuminate her targets as they shuffled towards the light of the doorway.

The first to appear was a girl, maybe a young teenager, her arms flailing, jaws snapping and her dead black soulless eyes honing in on Beth. The blonde despatched her with one quick hard stab to the side of her head. Beth didn't have chance for remorse before a younger girl was heading her way, the same empty stare and grasping hands as the first, but Beth noticing how her jaws seemed less eager, less willing to kill...more like she was only curious as to who it was that had woken her after so long. As the girl approached, her arms outstretched and searching, her fingers scrunched up in a handful of Beth's shirt and her fingernails scratched across the blondes exposed chest. The sudden shock contact brought Beth back out of her daze, images of Daryl and those beautiful boys flashing before her. She yanked the girl away, throwing her to the ground in both fear and panic, stabbing over and over into her skull until they were both splattered with blood and the raging anger inside her was reduced to nothing but complete and utter despair... as she saw the person she'd become.

Beth looked up through the sweaty strands of hair that had pulled loose from her ponytail to find one more child there. A boy. He looked no more than three or four years old, clutching onto a blue one-eyed stuffed rabbit. Beth's eyes widened and instantly welled with tears as she watched him slowly approaching, her heart caught in her throat as she understood her final task. He was just an innocent baby, he could easily have been Adam or Ass Kicker...Beth couldn't bear to think about that, how mothers were now forced to kill their children to protect themselves, how if Daryl didn't make it, she'd be forced to stab a knife through his brain, too.

In her current state of turmoil, feeling alone and abandoned and scared, Beth couldn't even begin to understand how her good caring God could stand by and let that happen...she couldn't understand why God had allowed so much evil and horror to infest His world...how He could watch good people suffer as they were forced to do evil things to survive and not intervene to stop it.

As she stood up, pushing her hair from her eyes and sniffing back a sob, she began to move towards the boy. He groaned out, cocked his head to the side and smashed his tiny teeth together, holding out his toy as he wobbled forward.

'Daryl, Adam, Caleb, Joshua'...Beth repeated their names out loud and focussed on their faces, urging herself on and fuelling her instinctive need to protect them, whatever the cost.

She held onto the boy's shoulder, holding him steady as she watched him for a minute; how he pawed softly at her bloodied and bandaged wrist and his teeth smashed together. She closed her eyes, thrusting her blade up through the base of his skull. As he went limp in her arms and the toy fell from his grip she laid him down on the floor with his sisters, running her palm gently over his brow as she wiped away her tears.

Any belief Beth might've still been clinging to about there being a good, just and loving God that would protect the innocent and shelter the weak in their most desperate time of need, finally came falling down around her as she ended that boy...walker or not. Beth's mind was a whirlwind of turmoil and doubt; confusion, anger, sadness, fear, loathing and hatred all colliding with one another and making her feel sick and ashamed.

Beth's eyes were open to what the world was now; a lawless, senseless, cruel and savage place.

Beth's tears of sadness were replaced by tears of joy as she lifted her head to see the stockpile of medicines scattered across the floor in front of her.

As a bleary eyed Beth turned on her flashlight and began to scrabble around on the floor searching for the drugs she needed, she couldn't stop her pain from turning into an overwhelming feeling of relief and happiness. Selfish, uncharacteristic relief and happiness that she was still alive, that her man now had a fighting chance at staying alive...that her boys now had a chance of living past tomorrow.

Beth knew that from now on it would be her love for Daryl, her determination to survive, and her resolve to build a better future that would be what kept her alive. Not her devotion to a God that it was now clear to her, had long since abandoned mankind. Beth still had hope, faith and belief...she would always have those things, they were an intrinsic part of her DNA. But from now on she would focus it on the things she could touch and feel and see; Daryl's love, the boys laughter, the food on her plate and the roof over her head.