A/N-Obviously, music is a big part of this story. I tend to rely on songs a lot to express feelings, so my characters do as well. Hopefully it isn't too boring or annoying! In this chapter, I used Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" and of course, James Maslow's cover of "Love Somebody" by Maroon 5. What Logan sees in the video is based on Maslow's actual video, except for the spoken intro-that was made up for the story.
As Logan had a slew of projects and assignments due before the Thanksgiving break, he was finally able to lose himself in schoolwork as he'd attempted to do from the start. In addition to his own, he aided Andrew, Suzi, and Jason with theirs, and just as James had predicted, he made friends for life in them because of his willingness to help.
Of course no friendship rivaled his with Kendall, and as the days flew by Logan grew more antsy to see Kendall and meet Carlos. It would be a relief to take some time away from this place that was so full of James everywhere; even though he was in a much better place mentally and emotionally, the nights were still difficult because that's when loneliness crept in. He attempted instead to focus on the upcoming trip to see his mother, who he'd missed dreadfully, and have a traditional Thanksgiving in a place that would always be home in his heart.
Jonathan invited Logan for the holiday dinner, and while he declined that invitation due to the plans in Minnesota, he did agree to meet Jonathan's family the Friday before Thanksgiving. Jonathan's wife was just as welcoming as he'd promised she would he, putting Logan at ease within a few minutes of his arrival and causing Jonathan to confess that he'd been concerned Logan would have a difficult time and back out due to panic. Logan admitted there had been nerves that kept him awake for part of the night, mostly due to the fear Jonathan's family would reject him, but that he'd come a long way with James' influence in his life.
That gave Jonathan an excuse to ask about James, and about Logan's love life, Logan explaining that he and James were no longer in contact at all and he'd decided against dating for the time being. He did ask if James still visited the restaurant, and Jonathan stated that as far as he knew, James hadn't set foot in it since the night Logan took Suzi there. Unsurprised, Logan nodded, remembering the culmination of their accidental meetings that night.
He managed to shake off the memories long enough to make it through dinner, where he was introduced to his half-sisters, who had been looking forward to the meeting since hearing they possessed a brother. The thirteen-year-old held off judgment until after dinner, being old enough to perceive that Logan could be a threat to her family unit, but when he made it clear that all he wanted was a chance to know his father, she relaxed. While her anxiety and social issues weren't nearly as debilitating as Logan's and their father's had been, Logan saw hints of it throughout the meal and made a point to offer his phone number before leaving in case she ever needed someone to talk to about anything, or even help on her schoolwork. She took it hesitantly, as if unsure of his motives, but when Logan told her once more before leaving to call anytime, she nodded.
Once he returned to the empty dorm (as Andrew's girlfriend was in town and they were spending the weekend elsewhere), he allowed himself to consciously think about James. In every place he went and in everything he did, James was always at the back of his mind, but it was rare he let the thoughts break through to the surface. The discussion with his father had brought James back to the forefront, though, and Logan laid awake remembering the phone conversation with his mother that James had listened in on. Where had that been anyway? Rock Springs? Yes, it had been just before sushi. Just before he'd taken that picture of James.
Reaching for the phone on his nightstand, Logan unlocked it to stare at the picture he'd made his background the day he'd come to terms with his devotion to James. There was a twinge of pain, but mostly when he looked at James now he was able to smile. Had he known of the picture's place on his phone, Kendall might have asked why Logan would torture himself with it, but Logan did it for two reasons-one, it reminded him that he had the power to be a positive influence in someone's life, and two, James had asked that Logan never forget him.
Lying in a dark dorm room now and knowing James was somewhere in the same city, Logan wondered if he had a place to go for Thanksgiving. Had he even experienced a proper Thanksgiving before moving here? Logan doubted it, thinking back to the wistfulness on James' face during the phone conversation with his mother. Obviously James wouldn't want to go home for the holiday, but maybe Logan could at least meet up with him and buy him dinner.
He doesn't want to see you.
That was true, but he'd also set his phone's picture to one of the two of them. That had to count for something, right?
That was before your last meeting. Surely he's changed it. He wants to forget you.
He'll never forget me. I don't care what Kendall says, he basically promised to remember me and miss me. And that doesn't matter, what does is that I don't want him to spend Thanksgiving alone.
Maybe he already had plans, though. Maybe his roommate was taking him home, or maybe one of his flings would invite him for dinner. Maybe he'd met his mystery girl and was at this very moment making plans to spend the day with her and her family.
The thought both cut him and soothed his fears, but not quite enough.
What if he's spending Thanksgiving alone in an empty room and missing his mother, missing the days before things went bad? What if it's enough to sink him into depression? What if...
A sick feeling in the pit of his stomach, Logan placed a call to Kendall.
"Speak of the devil, I was just about to text you!"
"Really? I was worried I'd wake you."
"Nah, it's Friday. No practice tomorrow, so Carlos and I are up late watching movies."
"Oh, good. How's-"
"Logan!" The word was yelled into his ear, not by Kendall but by an enthusiastic Carlos who had obviously grabbed the phone away. "Less than a week until you meet me, dude! How can you stand the excitement?"
Logan hissed in a breath as if considering before stating, "It's a struggle every day. Some nights I lay here and pray for the time to go faster, and when it doesn't happen, I fall into a depression so deep I can't get out of bed."
After a short silence, Carlos frowned, "You're making fun of me."
"Only a little," Logan chuckled. "In all honesty, I really am looking forward to meeting you. Anyone who can wrap Kendall around his finger the way you have is a very special person."
"Yeah, he calls me that all the time. I'm just never sure if he means it as an insult or a compliment."
Thinking of James, Logan smiled. "Sometimes it's possible for it to be both at same time. You can love someone even when they drive you insane."
"Aww, are you still missing that James guy?" When Logan didn't reply, Carlos added, "Don't be mad, Kendall only told me that you were in love with that guy you drove out to California and that you miss him. Was he like that?"
Logan bit his lip. "Yeah. He was definitely like that."
"Oh hey, Kendall wants the phone back, so I'll talk to you later. And don't worry about hurrying up the conversation, because I'm getting up to make popcorn anyway."
"What does that take, a whole minute in the microwave?"
"Microwave?! Who uses microwave popcorn? I pop it myself and add my own spices. Maybe I'll do that for you when we get together at Kendall's!"
The excitement in Carlos' voice prompted Logan to reply, "That would be great."
"Cool! Okay, okay, here's the phone. Quit pinching me!"
"You torture him, don't you?" Logan asked when Kendall returned to the call.
"He loves it. And he usually starts it himself. But he mentioned James and it reminded me of the reason I was going to text you."
"James? It's about James?" Logan sat up, no longer relaxed. "I was actually calling about James. What's up?"
"Well, a couple of things. I've been doing a lot of thinking about our last conversation and other things you've said about him, and-yeah, thanks, babe. That would be great."
Logan heard a quick smack of lips, remembering the one time James had called him "babe" and suffering intense jealousy for a moment.
"Sorry, Logan. He spoils me. I'm so lucky."
"You are," Logan agreed. "I'm glad you realize that."
"I do. I know I bitch about him, but mostly it's a front. I'd go crazy without him."
"You would. So what about James?"
"Okay, so remember when I said Shelly asks about you every time we talk?"
"Yeah," Logan answered. "Just how often is that?"
"At least once a week. Sometimes more. She always made a point to ask at least once a week, though."
"Why? She hardly knows me."
"My thoughts exactly. I mean, you hung out with us here and there while I was dating her, but she never really got to know you because you wouldn't allow it. You're not exactly a social person."
"I'm aware of that, Kendall."
"Hey, I'm not knocking you for it; I loved you anyway, and you've improved a lot now. How many friends have you made out there?"
"Three. Four if you count my dad. And two of those by trying to date them, but that's just more proof I'm getting better about it. Now enough about that, get to the James part."
"Fine," Kendall laughed. "I was saying that even though Shelly knows you, she never asked about you before you moved away. She's a nice enough person, but not the most sensitive and certainly not one to care so much about someone she hardly knows."
Logan's heart jumped. "And once I met James, that's when she started asking about me? Is that what you're saying?"
"Yes. It could be because James talks about you, but what if she picked up on the fact that he cares about you? I mean, you told me that a thousand times on the phone, so I'm assuming that's true."
"It is," Logan nodded. "No question. He came out that night because he knew I'd need him, and waited around to make sure I was okay. And whenever I had a panic attack, he would hold me until it passed."
"He...you allowed that?"
"Not really. He pretty much forced that on me until eventually I was the one reaching for him when it would hit."
"Ah, Logan," Kendall sighed. "No wonder you fell in love. Why didn't you tell me that before?"
"I don't know. I wasn't proud of the fact that I needed him."
"Who else is going to understand that better than me?"
"I know, I just...I'm sorry. There are some things I'm not comfortable sharing."
Even through the phone, Logan could tell the words hurt Kendall. "I guess considering I didn't tell you about me and Carlos for weeks, I can't be upset about that. But you've never had a problem talking to me about things before, and-"
"There was never anyone else involved before. I have to think about his feelings, too, Kendall. He's a lot more private than you'd imagine."
"Okay, fair enough. So my point here is that James might ask about you sometimes and that's why Shelly does. She probably relays everything I say to him."
Considering that, Logan smirked. "Knowing James, I think it's more likely that he demands she ask about me. He'd want to know I'm okay, because he worries about me. He just doesn't like to admit that."
"But then why wouldn't he just text me and ask directly?"
"Because you might give me his number," Logan answered. "He cut all ties with me the last time we talked, told me he can't see me anymore. I bet Shelly hasn't asked about me once since my date with Suzi, has she?"
"On the contrary, since then she's texted me every day and there's always a point where she asks about you. That's what made me think she was asking because of him; it's every day now."
"He's worried about me," Logan murmured. "He knows he hurt me and he's worried about me. Why is he so stubborn, Kendall? Why can't he just admit that he misses me?"
"You know him better than I do, so I'll let you figure that out. But speaking of that, I was thinking about all of that today and wondering if I should even bring it up, because I know you're trying to move on. But then we were sitting here watching a movie and Shelly texted me something that I think you need to see."
"Oh god, it's not more pictures of him with Amy, is it? I don't want to see that."
"No, it's not pictures of him with anyone. Did you know he sings?"
Logan frowned, blinking a few times. "Doesn't everyone?"
"No, Logan, I mean sings. Makes videos and stuff. Or is that one of those things you're not allowed to tell me?"
Gaze narrowing, Logan's body went hot and then cold, then hot again as chills washed over him. "What kind of videos?"
"I'll just link you. That's what I was gonna text, because I didn't know about any of that but Shelly texted me a link to one tonight and I think it might be about you. Of course, I don't really know what he feels for you, but he makes a comment in the video that 'this one's personal' and I mean, it could be about someone else for all I know, but I'm starting to wonder if maybe he does have feelings for you."
Logan licked his lips, eyes falling closed as he carded a hand through his hair. "He uses songs to say what he can't put into words. I've seen him do that before. What's this song about?"
"Just watch it, let me text you. There's another video he has uploaded but I didn't watch that one because you called when we were about to."
"Okay." Trembling now, Logan waited for the message to come through. What if it was a love song? What if it was about someone else? What if it meant nothing?
What if it explained everything he'd put Logan through from the moment they met? It wouldn't be the first time James played a song to get a point across.
Finally he was rewarded with a text containing a link to a video sharing site. "Got it, Kendall. Thanks."
"Are you gonna watch it now?"
"Yeah. I'll call you back."
"Okay, buddy. Like Carlos said, don't feel bad for calling, we don't mind. I know how much this guy means to you."
"Thanks."
Logan ended the call and clicked the link, scooting back against the wall and covering himself with a blanket because he was suddenly shivering. The newest upload was a song called "Love Somebody" that Logan had heard a few times but never really listened to closely. He swallowed hard. Was he really about to torture himself by watching four minutes of James Diamond singing a love song that might be about someone else?
Bracing himself, he hit the play button.
The video was preceded by a videotaped message from James himself, Logan noting that the bangs were now completely gone (or at least swept off his forehead) and that he needed a shave. Then again, he was probably going for an older look and the scruff was attractive even though it wasn't the smooth young face Logan would forever remember falling in love with. James was seated near a dark window and smiling into the camera, causing Logan to immediately wonder who was filming him and where he was. Was it the roommate? Was it his house?
"Hey guys, thanks for watching. I never planned to be a musician, but after my last cover got so many views and I got such great feedback, I figured I'd consider doing it again."
Logan smiled. Of course you would. Anything for that attention you crave.
"I liked this song well enough when it was released but when I heard it again the other day, I knew I had to cover it. This one's personal to me. If you're out there watching right now, I hope it touches you. So...here we go. Enjoy! And let me know what you think in the comments!"
The excited face Logan knew so well appeared, causing him to smile wider while a pang passed through him; he missed that face.
The song began, the video having been filmed separately from the intro, and Logan chuckled when James reappeared on the screen with thumbs up and that gorgeous smile that haunted his dreams. James was happy, and if this video did nothing else for Logan, it proved that to him. That was enough.
Then the scene switched to James playing a keyboard, Logan's jaw dropping. James knew how to play the piano? How had he never told Logan that?
There's probably so much you don't know, Logan. So much. It made him sad to think that, and he wished they'd had more time together to talk about things other than sex and anxiety. And abuse. He wished they'd never had to discuss that at all, because James didn't deserve to live with that pain for so long.
Suddenly the window was back, James sitting on what looked to be a seat built into it, and when he began to sing, chills swept through Logan again.
"I know your insides are feeling so hollow
And it's a hard pill for you to swallow
But if I fall for you, I'll never recover
If I fall for you, I'll never be the same"
The performance felt off and James needed some work on his lip syncing skills, but his singing voice was as soothing to Logan as his speaking voice, though a much higher vocal range. It was the words that hit Logan hardest, him holding his breath as he wondered if the song was for him.
The scene then switched to James on a balcony that hung over what looked like the hills above Hollywood, and once he began to sing the chorus, Logan was mesmerized because in this James was sincere; there was no more trying too hard to be a serious singer, just a man singing his heart out to someone, and Logan's breath dried up when the words sank in.
"I really wanna love somebody
I really wanna dance the night away
I know we're only halfway there
But you can take me all the way
You can take me all the way
I really wanna touch somebody
I think about you every single day
I know we're only halfway there
But you can take me all the way
You can take me all the way"
Sitting hunched in on himself while holding the phone in one hand, Logan covered his mouth with the other while tears sprung up. It was what James had said he wanted, that love to sweep him away with so much passion, to love someone who loved him in return.
"Fuck," Logan whispered into the blackness relieved only by the light from a tiny screen. "You can have it with me, why can't you see that?"
"You're such a hard act for me to follow
Love me today, don't leave me tomorrow
But if I fall for you, I'll never recover
If I fall for you, I'll never be the same"
Logan knew firsthand how that felt-he still hadn't recovered and would never be the same. James had feared commitment, hadn't he? Logan fought his feelings and sex for so long because it was a loss of control, and he'd made the point that he and James weren't all that different when it came to commitment. It made sense that if James had developed feelings for Logan, and he knew that on some level James had, it would prompt James to push him away.
Could it be that simple? He'd cared too much and run from it?
The chorus played as all of these thoughts spun through Logan's head, Logan watching James standing in the middle of a dark street and singing from his heart. It made him wish there was a way to hug James, to hold him close and promise he would keep him safe forever.
The bridge was enough to get Logan desperate for a way to crawl through the screen, or at least to silently vow that he wasn't going to let James run anymore.
"I don't know where to start, I'm just a little lost
I wanna feel like we're never gonna ever stop
I don't know what to do, I'm right in front of you
Asking you to stay, you should stay
Stay with me tonight"
All of that was James' way of saying he was lost and scared and didn't know what to do, and if there was one thing Logan couldn't resist it was a plea for help. What was it James had said to him the first night they'd slept together?
You can do this. You're going to.
He'd been firm about it, making it clear there would be no arguments, and that's exactly what Logan was feeling right now. He'd needed James to push and not let up. That was what James needed from him now.
They were doing this.
The chorus rang out again, James really getting into the song now and pleading with all of his heart.
"I really wanna love somebody
I really wanna dance the night away
I know we're only halfway there
But you can take me all the way
You can take me all the way
I really wanna touch somebody
I think about you every single day
I know we're only halfway there
But you can take me all the way
You can take me all the way"
After a few heartfelt wails that James looked as if he wanted to bust up into laughter throughout, the song ended on a simple note before James smiled into the camera with a pleased expression. Logan knew that expression and could practically hear James' thoughts: "Yes! Nailed it!"
"Always so full of yourself," Logan whispered, but he'd never been more in love.
He sighed and leaned his head back against the wall, the song running through his mind. It could easily have been one he would've chosen to explain his own feelings the night they'd stopped at a hotel in Mesquite. He'd been lost and scared and half in love, and James had caught him in that freefall to take him through it and see him safely to the other side. Wasn't that Logan's job now?
Only if the song's about you. What if it's not? What if he met someone else? Just because he said Amy isn't the perfect mystery girl, that doesn't mean he hasn't met someone else who is. What if he can't see you anymore because he wants to commit to someone and you're holding him back? What if there's another man, one he keeps secret because of his image?
That was a sobering thought.
Logan glanced at the phone's screen again, this time noting the date it had been uploaded.
Today. He uploaded this today. Does it mean anything? He's been having Shelly check in with Kendall every day, I think Kendall was right about that, so he obviously hasn't forgotten about me. I know he still cares.
But then why wasn't he making an effort to communicate? Why would he upload a video that he knew Logan would never see to explain his feelings?
Mind racing, Logan called Kendall. "Hey. You said Shelly sent you this link today?"
"Yeah. She texted it to me."
"What else did she say? Anything?"
"Just the link and that I should watch it. Oh, and she said she was proud of James."
"For the song?"
"I guess. Is it about you?"
"I don't know," Logan sighed. "I want to believe it is, but...how do I really know?"
"You ask him, Logan. Flat-out. Let me get his number from Shelly, and you call him."
"That's what I was originally planning to do, it's the reason I called you in the first place. I don't want him to be alone on Thanksgiving."
"Oh. Wow, really? Were you gonna invite him home?"
"No, I don't think he'd go. But I wanted to at least have dinner with him the night before or something. Just so he knows he's not alone, you know?"
"Yeah. Did you watch the other video?"
Breath catching, Logan blinked. "Oh. I forgot there was another one."
"Watch it. Carlos and I just did and he swears that song has to be about you. He doesn't even know James, but he says it makes sense in your situation. Or that it would if James fell in love with you. But you guys never even...I mean, there was nothing romantic, right?"
Logan bit his lip hard, struggling with himself. He'd promised James.
"Logan?" Kendall prodded, and when Logan continued to remain silent, he swore in an awed voice. "Holy fucking shit. Logan Mitchell, did you kiss someone and not even tell me about it?"
"Kendall, I..."
"Oh my god, you did. What the fuck? How could you not tell me that?!"
"We agreed it would stay between us, okay? I told you, he's very private, and he doesn't even want Shelly to know. I promised I would never tell anyone."
"I'm speechless over here. Not even because you didn't tell me, but because it happened at all. You kissed him? A guy you'd only known two days?"
"Uh...well. When we kissed the first time, I'd only known him a day. But I wasn't in love with him then, it was because I just wanted to be prepared. He kept talking about how I'd get to college and have no idea what I was doing and that I needed to stop being afraid of feelings."
"Logan, I've told you all those things, too! You never kissed me! Whoa, hey, babe, don't look at me like that. I didn't want Logan to kiss me. We weren't like that."
"And that's exactly why I never kissed you, Kendall," Logan interrupted. "You said a lot of the same things, but you aren't him and I never wanted to. I couldn't stop thinking about it with him. I still can't. He kissed me and...I was so scared, but then later it was me who initiated it, I wanted more because...he's perfect, Kendall. So messed up, and so not what I ever expected to fall in love with, but he's everything I need. It was just like you always said, when I found the right person for me, I wouldn't have to force myself into it. I mean, technically I did, but...I wanted it. Not like with Suzi and Jason, with James I wanted it so badly I couldn't even sleep."
"I don't even know who you are anymore, Logan," Kendall teased, Logan grateful that he wasn't angry. "Kissing strangers and hiding things from me?"
"You hid Carlos from me for two weeks!"
"Yeah, I can't argue that. You got me there. But hang on, if you guys kissed that first night, you probably did the second night, too, right? Wait a minute, didn't you stop at a hotel? Logan, holy shit! What happened between you two?"
Knowing it was too late for secrets now, Logan admitted, "Everything. Okay? Everything happened between us. It meant nothing to him, he was just trying to help me overcome my issues, and-"
"Oh, bullshit. If that's all it was, then I'm going to kick his ass. He broke your heart."
"He never promised me anything, Kendall. We both knew it was just for that night and it was never supposed to continue once we moved here. And you can't tell anyone about it, I'm trusting you with this and...oh god, Carlos is right there, isn't he?"
"No, he just left to take a quick shower. I won't repeat it but...Logan...I just don't understand how all of this happened so fast. You're making it sound like it's still going on."
"It's not. I told you, last time we saw each other, he made it clear he couldn't see me again. That's why I'm so surprised that Shelly's been asking about me, because I expected him to completely shut me out of his life."
"You know something, Logan? It doesn't matter how badly you want to shut someone out of your life, or how much you deny it and wish it wasn't real, if you love someone you can't fight it. Look at you. How many times have you tried to get over him?"
"I gave up, though."
"Right, because you finally realized it's not going to work. Jesus, if I'd known all of this before watching those videos...wait. Oh, hold on a second."
"What?"
"The first one. He uploaded that...hold on."
Putting Kendall on speaker, Logan switched back to the video on his phone to check James' media channel. The first video he'd ever uploaded was a song called "I Will Always Love You." The date was the day after Logan met his father for the first time—the day James had left without saying goodbye.
"Logan..."
"I see it. The day after we went to the beach. We stayed in a hotel that night."
"Oh, the secrets you have kept from me. Do you know that song?"
"My mom used to play it when I was little," Logan said, thinking back. "Oh my god. Of course." It was probably on James' playlist, the one containing songs his own mother had once loved.
"Yeah, watch the video. If that isn't about you, then Carlos doesn't love cartoons."
"Okay, I'm going to hang up now. I'll call you back."
Both afraid and anticipatory, Logan clicked to play the only other video James had uploaded to his channel. There was no pre-taped greeting this time, not even any music accompanying him. James sat in front of the same window, appearing solemn but focused, his hair for once not perfectly styled. He wore the clothes he'd been dressed in the night he sent Jennifer home to wait for Logan at the restaurant, and the sun was just bright enough that it had to be early morning. He'd left Logan before six, which would make sense if he sat down to record this a few hours later.
The song was one Logan had heard as a child, his mother singing it while doing dishes or folding laundry sometimes as the radio played. It had to have been released around the time he was born, but it had stood the test of time and was still relatively well-known, though he'd not paid much attention to the lyrics other than the chorus.
This time when James opened his mouth to sing them, Logan listened.
"If I should stay, I would only be in your way
So I'll go, but I know
I'll think of you every step of the way"
Logan's vision blurred, the tears hot and sudden while his body was covered with goosebumps. There was no way in hell this song was about anyone else, not on that day.
"And I will always love you
You, my darling you
Bittersweet memories
That is all I'm taking with me
So goodbye, please don't cry
We both know I'm not what you need
And I will always love you
I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you dreamed of
And I wish you joy and happiness
But above all this I wish you love"
The title was repeated again and again, James singing over and over the words "I will always love you." Logan was a mess of tears by the time the video ended with a wet-eyed James reaching out to stop the recording, no other words needing to be said—James had always used songs with him.
"You're such an idiot," he sniffed, blindly grabbing for the box of tissues on his nightstand. "You're exactly what I need, you moron. You fell in love and it killed you, didn't it? You got scared. You couldn't face it."
Wiping his eyes and nose, Logan noted that James had quite a lot of views on that video. Most of the comments were from people who had never heard of him but had somehow stumbled across the video, and the general reaction from each was along the lines of, "Wow, you really sang that from the heart. Great job, man."
Closing that app on his phone, Logan texted Kendall. "Get me his number."
"On it. About you?"
"It has to be. He's such an idiot. I love him so much."
"Go get him, then. He did say he'll always love you."
That made Logan smile. "He did. And I'm willing to bet he asked Shelly to send you the new video. It's his way of trying to tell me he wants me but doesn't know how to tell me. Or how to face it."
A string of numbers suddenly appeared from Kendall, Logan grinning. "That was fast."
"Shelly didn't even question it when I asked for his number. She did say not to tell James she gave it to me, though. So if he asks, you used your mad genius skills to dig it up."
"Got it." Logan saved the number to his phone, feeling as if he could breathe again. It was a link to James.
"You calling him tonight?"
"I don't know. I have to think about how to approach this. He's skittish, I don't want to send him running."
"He loves you. He's not gonna run."
"That's exactly why he would run. He's terrified to love someone or trust someone with his heart. He's been through a lot."
"Well keep me posted. No more secrets, okay? I won't tell anyone what you told me, not even Carlos. But I expect you to be straight with me from now on."
"As long as you do the same. Is he still in the shower?"
"No, just got out. I'm thinking we'll skip the movie. He always smells really good after a shower."
Logan laughed at the last sentence. "I know exactly what you mean. Go take him to bed and love him. Don't waste a second of the moments you have with him. Cherish them."
"I do. Call me if you need me, but give me about an hour first. I'll be busy."
"No problem. Thanks, Kendall. For all of this. At least I know he loves me. Or did."
"Remember the song, Logan. He'll always love you. Goodnight."
"Night."
Logan couldn't resist watching the videos again, the latest filling him with hope. He stared at the contact page he'd built into his phone, the one that said the name "James Diamond" at the top and sent a thrill through him.
Finally. It took three months, but I finally have a way to get to you.
Once the elation wore off and logic returned, the hope began to fade as doubts set in. James hadn't wanted to be found. It wasn't he who sent Kendall the link to that video, but Shelly.
Yes, but Shelly probably knows how he feels. She must know him well enough to understand that his need to keep tabs on me means something. Maybe that's why she's proud of him, for finally having the courage to admit his feelings to me and film a video asking for me to make a move because he can't.
Logan remembered the night of their first kiss, when he'd wanted to ask James for it but hadn't been able to and prayed James would make the move. James had. Now it was Logan's turn to take that step, to not let James run.
But he will run. He's still terrified. If I call him, he can ignore it. Once he knows it's me, he can block my number and never speak to me again. He asked me to let him go. A phone call is too easy to avoid.
James wouldn't be able to resist him in person, Logan was almost positive. He never had been able to, not from the day they'd met and he told Shelly that he wanted Logan. In person, it would be harder for James to walk away. He'd had to come back into a hotel room just to kiss Logan goodbye the last time. The day they'd first parted ways, he'd had to attack Logan with a kiss as well.
Get him alone. Kiss him. He can't resist that. He always said he'd know from a kiss, and maybe that's why he ran away—maybe he knew the moment he kissed me.
But how? How to find James without going through Shelly, who may or may not be willing to help?
"So if he asks, you used your mad genius skills to dig it up."
Well. Logan was a master researcher.
It took him all of ten minutes to track down James' address, using the phone number as a starting point. Unfortunately, the web search also turned up a few pictures he could have done without seeing.
While James wasn't well-known enough yet to be photographed on his own, he'd been spotted around town with a handful of actresses who were. One of the pictures had been posted earlier that evening, a shot of James waiting for a car with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.
Amy. What is this, date number three? That's pretty serious for you, James. Especially after uploading a love song.
And just like that, most of Logan's confidence fled. How could he compare with a woman who had starred in so many movies that she had paparazzi following her every move? What if the song hadn't been about Logan at all, but about her?
"This one's personal to me."
The fact that James might be in love with him wasn't a guarantee that James wanted to pursue a relationship. He had, in fact, stated numerous times that he wanted the opposite.
"...just hold on to the memories, okay? Don't forget me."
That was all James had ever asked—to be remembered. Not to be pursued or needed.
"I don't know what to do," Logan whispered, staring at the photo of James smiling next to Amy.
I don't know what to do
I'm right in front of you
Asking you to stay, you should stay
Stay with me tonight
And that, really, was all Logan could do. He could ask. If James turned down the invitation, that was answer enough. Logan would know for sure then that the song wasn't about him, had never been, and he could move on.
Or he could live alone for the rest of his life, saving other lives as he'd dreamed of doing for all of his and always remembering the time he'd felt most alive. The prospect wasn't as dreary as it should have been; even the memories of James were enough now that the pain had passed.
He wasn't going to call, as that would give James a chance to run. He wasn't going to show up at his house, because there was a chance Logan was reading too much into these videos and James' plea to stay away still stood. But he had to try, he couldn't live with himself if he didn't take that leap of faith and at least try.
James would be proud of him for taking a risk, right?
Make your move, but let him make the choice. If he really doesn't want you, he'll let you know. And if he's mad at you for trying? So what? What have you got to lose, Logan? You won't be any worse off than you are now.
For most of Logan's life, the voice in his head that spoke words like that had belonged to Kendall. This time it was James' voice that spurred him on, because James had become the one to encourage and support him. James had become everything, whether either of them wanted him to or not.
There was one way to contact James that was non-threatening but sure to work, because Logan was positive James read every single comment posted to those videos; he needed to know what people thought of him, craved the accolades. Navigating the website, Logan easily figured out how to create an account of his own. He was mindful of James' wishes for discretion, though, and rather than comment publicly, he chose to send a private message.
Smirking at the username James would be sure to recognize, Logan contemplated what he wanted to say. A simple invitation to dinner? Should he mention that he didn't want James to be alone on Thanksgiving? Should he beg James for a meeting so they could talk? Should he leave his number and hope that was enough?
"Oh god, Logan, you're so hot when you take charge."
Suddenly Logan knew exactly what to say. If James was able to resist this, Logan would have his answer and know James wanted nothing to do with him. His message was short and succinct:
"I don't care what you have planned tomorrow, cancel it. Tomorrow you're mine. 221 N. San Fernando Blvd, Burbank. Be there at noon."
It was bold and borderline rude, but if there was a hint of the old James behind the sophisticated mane and scruff, that would be enough to get him to the location. James loved being possessed and dominated, or had seemed to, and Logan himself was slightly breathless when he imagined James' reaction to opening that message from a user named Mr. Uptight and Cranky.
When he finally laid down for the night, his phone plugged into the charger but near enough he'd hear an alert come through, Logan closed his eyes with a sense of accomplishment. James might still run, or he might laugh off the invitation. He might even be angry at Logan for being so forward.
But he might also gasp when he read the message, whisper something like, "Logan, fuck!" and groan because the tone turned him on so much that he had to stroke himself to sleep.
"You're mine if you want to be, James," Logan said softly, staring up at the ceiling in his quiet dorm. "Please want to be. I've been yours since the moment you kissed me."