Chapter Twenty Five: Chapter Twenty Five
"Tell me something," Loki's voice startled me out of the slightly dreamy haze I had been sitting in for the last few hours, "how can you stand to watch them?"
Thor and Jane were standing on one of the many balconies that overlooked Asgard. Thor watched Jane with soft eyes as he explained something or another to her. She took turns shifting between love-stuck and excited.
"It doesn't bother me." I said not bothering to even turn to Loki. He wouldn't look like himself anyway. The mere fact that he dropped the voice of Jaco was rather comforting to me. "They look so happy together. I've never seen him so happy." It was true. Thor, since she had met him, carried some sort of deep sadness on his shoulders. I could tell that he wasn't what he was supposed to be when he was here.
"It's doomed to fail."
Loki wasn't wrong. Jane was human and her life was measured in decades not thousands of years. Thor would be crushed when she died. Before coming to Asgard I wouldn't have considered her lifespan to be tragic. We've always known as humans that our time in the world was limited. Short. We could forget that sometimes. But it was more apparent here where lives spanned much further than I could fathom. A single day was sometimes too much for me.
"It's doomed to end," I said a strange feeling of peace stealing over me, "but that doesn't mean it isn't worth it."
"The pain he will endure will be unbearable." There was a strange edge to Loki's voice. It was then I realized that he might not be really talking about Jane and Thor.
"Yeah," I confirmed, "it will. The pain will tear him apart over and over until he's numb to the feeling. But look at him."
In that moment Thor had reached out to Jane, his fingers lightly trailing over her cheek. Jane slightly leaned into his touch, the love and attraction between them so present I was sure that if I reached out I could touch it. The joy they got from each other looked like it was more joy than I had ever felt in my life.
"You could always ask him." I suggested already knowing Loki's response.
"He is blinded by his feelings. He does not understand what's going to happen to him. You're never supposed to give yourself to someone completely, it only gives others the power to destroy you. If I wanted to destroy him….all I had to do is target her."
"What's the point, then?" I turned and was surprised to see that Loki had drifted from his usual spot of being around four feet away to a few inches. He seemed as surprised as I was. For the barest moment his illusion faltered. There was a flash of green and black. "Why do anything if you're using that mentality? Pain is inevitable no matter what you do. Why not choose love…even if it's only for a while?"
The world shrank. Jane and Thor faded from my awareness, as did Huginn who had been wheeling overhead enjoying the nice weather. My entire world narrowed down to a single point, a single person.
"Why be overwhelmed by a feeling? Why let it rule your life?"
I laughed, and his illusion flickered the smallest bit again. "Love isn't just a feeling. It's a choice." That was something I had learned time and time again back on Earth. Love is very much a choice."
"You hold such sentiment." His voice was strangely soft. Loki hated sentiment….or at least he used to. "Love is for children." It sounded….unsure. Almost as if he were echoing something rather than really saying it.
"I don't think so." The butterflies that he had awakened earlier when he confessed that he cared about me suddenly came rushing back. Until this moment I had really pushed the information away from myself, not ready to deal with it with everything else that had been happening.
"Lillith, we must not dance around this subject any longer." He said steel flashing in his eyes. "No more interruptions. I care for you-"
"You said you thought it was the bracer that made you feel this way." I said my eyes flashing to the bracer sitting on his arm. "What am I supposed to do? Fall to my knees and exclaim my love for you? Why would I when it might not be how you really feel?"
"It is not easy for me-"
"It's not easy for anyone!" My voice rose without my meaning to. There was the smallest flash of magic from Loki, and for a brief moment I wondered if he had silenced me. "You may say you hated me for who and what I was, but I hated you too." My words rang out easily. Not silenced then. "You took everything away from me! You were awful to me! And now, because you've slightly confessed that you might actually care about me the smallest bit you expect me to do the same!"
"You said you forgave me." There was no anger, strange enough, just a statement.
"I did. I do. But just because I forgive you for your actions…it doesn't mean that they were okay."
"You're right," just like that Loki's disguise melted away. I was instantly panicked for him. It overrode my anger.
"Loki!" I hissed popping my hand against his chest without real thought. "Your magic."
"Yes, I know. To anyone looking at us we are having a pleasant conversation about the gardens of Asgard. Guard and guarded, as always." Loki looked amused.
"Oh, that's what you were doing…" I said realizing that I had expected Loki to silence me but instead he simply cast another illusion so that I could speak my mind in peace.
"Lillith, what would you have of me?" Loki asked his eyes drilling into my own.
"I don't understand."
"To prove myself to you. I have been indecisive when it has come to you, I know this." A small sad smile shifted across his features. "I am choosing now."
"Why?" I asked taking a small step back from him. "Why would you do this now?"
"I have been shown the error of my ways." Loki said with a small sigh. "I suppose it would feel very sudden for you." He said with a sigh beginning to walk very slowly around me. His movements were slow but very calculated his eyes never leaving me.
"Loki," I sighed already done with the conversation.
"Please," the word coming out of Loki's mouth made me freeze. He had moved behind me, and instead of spinning to follow him I held my ground more listening to his footsteps than seeing what was in front of me. "Give me a task. Let me prove myself to you. I'll do anything."
"Loki I don't-"
"You of all people know that I am a selfish being." He said cutting me off.
"Could you please just-"
"I am selfish and you have invaded me. Somehow gotten your way under my skin. Infected me so that my happiness is reliant on yours. You have been so tortured. Allow me to save you. Allow me to save myself."
"Loki would you stop!" I hissed as he came back into view. He instantly ceased movement eyes locked onto my own. "You don't care about me in the way that I need."
"What do you mean?"
"Lust isn't love, Loki!" The words fell like a flood from me. "You might actually care about me in that aspect. You might want me, but that isn't enough for me. You can't even bring yourself to say the word love!"
"That's what you want?" Loki asked suddenly moving to me. His hands gripping my shoulders. "You want a confession of love?"
"No, that's not-"
"I do love you." He sighed leaning down. I was ready to fend off a kiss but he simply leaned his forehead against my own. "I understand that's not what you want. I understand why you would think it was merely lust to drive me." Eyes closed, face serene, Loki breathed slowly almost seeming to just take in the moment. "Love is a concept for children. I always thought it was the ultimate form of weakness. I have seen so many people fall from it. But I have also seen some people rise further than they could ever have been before because of it. With you…I can be more. I am more. I do not feel like the unwanted adopted child denied the throne when I am with you."
His hand lifted only to tangle in my hair. He didn't move other than that. It felt like he was hanging onto me for dear life. Like he would fall apart without me. Tears began to prick my eyes at the strange sense of intimacy. "With you I have known peace. I will do anything."
"You'll do anything?"
"Yes," he breathed.
"Help me save Jane," my voice was soft but resolute. "We have to save her, Loki. The Aether is killing her…and by killing her it's killing your brother."
Loki leaned back his gaze meeting my own. I wasn't sure what he saw there, but I watched all form of protest fall away from him. "Lillith…the only way to save her is for the Aether to change hosts. As far as we know it's protecting itself against such a transfer. If it attempts to save itself using Jane, it will kill her."
"It calls to me." I admitted to Loki, glancing towards Jane and Thor. It was a beautiful sight still. "I feel…..I feel like I could just….call back. Maybe it will move."
"And have you become the target of Malekith?" The no was clear in his voice.
"You said anything," I reminded him.
"I will do anything for you, but I cannot do this to you. You don't know your strengths or weaknesses. We don't even know your lifespan. You could have half the lifespan of a human. This can kill you." Loki said staring deeply into my eyes as if he were trying to drive the point home. "How could I do this to you? To myself? I will not put you in danger."
"Loki, you said anything."
"We'll save her. But not like that. Not using you in that way." Loki spoke softly. "I'll save her." I could already see the cogs working in his brain. "For you I'll save her."
"Lady Lillith!" Thor's voice boomed. I turned to see Frigga standing with Jane and Thor all of them staring at me. Loki's hands suddenly moved me to a certain spot turning me in a certain way. His presence disappeared from my back, and I felt the small release of magic.
"Yes?" I asked glancing back toward Loki, only to see he had shifted back into his disguise. I instantly missed his face. I mentally groaned to myself realizing how far I had allowed myself to fall within the few short minutes he had confessed his love to me.
"Please join us," Frigga said a knowing smile flitting across her face. Of course she knew I was really talking to Loki. She was probably the one who gave him the talking to so that he would confess his love to me.
"Yes, my Queen." I said instantly moving to her.
"Oh, don't start calling me that." Frigga said waving away her title. "You may address me by my name. I believe we have passed formalities at this point. Even in public." She added with a smile.
"I'm sorry I just thought-"
"Oh, my dear. I consider you to be one of my own." She reached out tugging me into a small hug. "I thought you knew that."
I hugged Frigga, holding back tears. When we stepped back she was smiling widely at me.
"Now then, I was thinking we could-"
There was an explosion. I could feel the size of it in my chest. It had to come from some part of the castle, and everyone on the balcony shifted as it happened. A hand was suddenly keeping me steady while pulling me behind them. I reached out to lightly touch Loki's back, wanting some sort of explanation. Jane was in a similar situation behind Thor looking frightened. Frigga had held her ground looking towards the source of the sound.
I knew exactly what was happening, as did the force within Jane which flared brighter. Malekith was here, and he was looking for Jane.
"Boys, go and find out what's happening. Jane, Lillith, you're coming with me." She ordered already moving away. Thor looked worriedly at Jane, so I pulled myself away from Loki's grip to grab Jane's arm.
"I've got her, Thor." I said trying to will him to understand. He watched me for a half second before nodding to me. It was one terse nod that told me that he trusted me to keep Jane safe. That he believed in me.
I began after Frigga pulling Jane along with me, but a hand caught my arm forcing me to a stop. Loki, still disguised as Jaco, was staring at me. "Be safe," he said emotion leaking into his voice. Jane looked between us a smile beginning to form.
"You too."
He let me go, with a pained expression. I turned away and hurried after Frigga with Jane, trying to ignore the pain in my chest.