Pain, Hunger, and Betrayal Chapter 25: Army, a naruto fanfic

Original Publish Date: 25th-September-2016

A/N: This chapter, and this song, is dedicated to all those amazing people who left their first-ever reviews on my story; some of whom have been reading fanfiction for years. I would like to say a sincere heartfelt 'Thank You' to each and every one of you, for choosing my story to break your silence (if I missed your name, it was through ignorance only, let me know and I will put it up here) - The Hand, laxnin, vipin sahu, lazypotato13, Gemtlich, and various Guests.

Also, a shout out to those strange people who always leave a review with their name signed, but are still guests- (Psychosam11, jojo, Kyuubi'smasamune, Sjstaudt, Stevie57, Jason, Nidhog, Tauan.)

Chapter 25 – Army

You're always there to call up

I am pain, I'm a child, I'm afraid

Yet you understand

Yeah like no one can

Know that we don't look like much

But no one fucks it up like us

- Army, Ellie Goulding

4 Weeks after Nanashi's departure, Somewhere in Konoha: Uzumaki Naruto

Danger.

There was always danger in this village- from the barely-veiled scorn that most villagers held for him, to those who would try to kill him for following The Way of Ramen (stupid Soba Noodle Guild weirdos).

He might have been young, but he wasn't foolishly ignorant of the danger he was surrounded by.

And danger came in many forms.

Uzumaki Naruto was hiding behind a sheet that was of the same grey colour as the wall he was now in front of, inching his way down the street as he hoped to avoid the attention of the person who radiated the sense of danger. He used the exercises his nii-chan had shown him and kept his breathing as even as he could, trying to prevent his body from sweating and producing the scent that would give him away.

But while he had kept his attention on his breathing, he had failed to simultaneously keep track of his feet.

He unconsciously kicked a loose stone, one that skittered away with a soft patter.

He might as well have announced his presence with a gong.

Instantly, the sheet was ripped away from him.

Naruto ran, hoping that he could escape while his predator was distracted by the sheet.

He made it two steps before a hand clamped down on the material of his jumpsuit just behind his neck and lifted him with casual ease. His legs kept motoring away in midair, but it was of no use as his assailant turned him around.

"Good morning munchkin!"

Naruto tried flailing, kicking out with his arms and legs as he tried to escape the iron grip of of his brother's crazy girlfriend. Needless to say, that didn't work either.

"How's my favourite chew-toy this morning?"

"Argh! Let me go you crazy bi-"

At this point, a truly terrifying smile spread across Mitarashi Anko's face.

Despite the impression that most of his classmates had, Naruto wasn't an idiot; well, not a complete idiot at any rate. He shut his mouth with a loud click before he could condemn himself.

"Go on, finish that sentence." Her smile turned feral, complete with glinting teeth, "I dare you."

Naruto audibly gulped, but wisely kept his mouth shut.

"That's what I thought," Anko said with a note of satisfaction in her voice.

Naruto breathed out a sigh that was part relieved, part defeated. His shoulders slumped as he gave up fruitlessly trying to escape, submitting to the force of nature that was Mitarashi Anko.

"Hm…" Anko let out a thoughtful sound as she considered the sheet that had failed to protect Naruto from her senses. "That wasn't a bad effort…" Just as Naruto began to perk up from the praise, she yanked his feet out from under him, "for a six year old."

"What!?" Naruto burst out, his earlier wariness forgotten. "No way! I almost got away that time! And I'm not six! I'm ten years old dattebayo!"

"Oh?" Anko drawled out the word. "Could have fooled me, what with how short you are."

Naruto's previous self-preservation instinct was drowned in a wave of righteous indignation, as she poked at the sore subject of Naruto's height (or rather the lack of it).

Naruto immediately set about trying to hit Anko with any part of his body that could reach her as he yelled incoherently; but Anko effortlessly kept him at bay, grinning mockingly as she did so.

Such was the scene that one Umino Iruka walked into.

Even though Iruka had expected a headache when the prankster had failed to turn up to class, he hadn't expected the cause to be… her.

Iruka sighed; it was way too early to deal with this crap. "Mitarashi-san, please unhand my student."

Anko looked at Iruka, her smile widening upon seeing the usually-nervous Academy instructor. "Good morning to you too, Umino-sensei."

Iruka ignored the way his stomach clenched when Anko stressed the word 'sensei'; whether in fear or in titillation, he did not know (nor did he care to find out).

"My student, please," he repeated with the same inflection.

Anko shrugged and opened her hand, dropping Naruto to the ground. "Only because you asked nicely," she said with a smile that made Iruka's lizard brain scream at him to run away as fast as he could.

Naruto had immediately scrambled up- his pride damaged more than any of his limbs- when he registered that Anko was speaking to someone else. He had been too caught up in trying to make the Scary Snake Lady take back her words to notice anything else earlier. "Huh? Iruka-sensei? When did you get here?"

Iruka's eye twitched- and with a practiced motion that was too fast to see, his hand shot out and grabbed Naruto's ear. "Owowowowow! How is this my fault 'ttebayo!? She was the one who ambushed me!"

"It's your responsibility to make it to class on time," Iruka growled, effectively shutting up Naruto as he sensed his teacher's bad mood. "I had better not catch you slacking off again!"

Naruto gulped fearfully, somehow managing to nod frantically without moving the ear that was being pinched white by Iruka-sensei.

Anko watched the duo walk towards the Academy, highly amused at the way the young blond was trying (and failing) to talk his way out of trouble. "Oi! Munchkin! You failed to get away from me! You know what that means!" She grinned disturbingly as she caught sight of Naruto paling rapidly. "It's time to play, 'Dodge the snake!'"

She saw the way Iruka missed a step as Naruto whimpered. Anko grinned and wandered off, heading to the dango shop now that she had been sufficiently entertained.

After a moment of debating with himself, Iruka decided not to ask Naruto about 'Dodge the Snake' as he continued dragging his most annoying student (and his favourite student as well, although he wouldn't admit it to anyone) back to class.

It would be a decision that would come back to bite him (pun intended) later.

9 Weeks after Nanashi's departure, Training Ground 23: Yūhi Kurenai

Uzumaki Naruto was a sweetheart, Yūhi Kurenai mused as she watched him trying to walk Hinata through her weapon throwing exercises. The girl's face was red, but it was (mostly) from exertion instead of a blush as it usually was.

Naruto was rough around the edges, certainly, but he had a single minded determination that was hard not to admire; she could easily think of a few Jōnin that could do with his drive. He didn't stop until he was utterly exhausted; and then he pushed himself further. And ever since he had started training with Hinata she had started imitating him, whether consciously or unconsciously was up for debate. But it was true that Nanashi had been right, they had both been good for each other. Naruto was patient and kind with her mistakes and in return treated whatever she told him like gospel, thereby unknowingly deepening the girl's crush on him.

Just as they finished up for the day, Naruto asked Hinata, "Ne, Hinata? Why are you so weird?"

Of course, Naruto was also an idiot. Kurenai sighed silently as Hinata's face fell, the red completely disappearing from her face.

Naruto wasn't completely clueless, as he realized he had said something offensive, "I just meant… I mean, you're always turning red, but nii-chan says that you don't have a fever… and you always keep fainting…"

Despite herself, Kurenai felt her lips quirk into a smile. Whatever Naruto was or wasn't, being around the young prankster was definitely entertaining. She interjected before the poor girl fainted because of Naruto's tactlessness (again). "Naruto-kun," as the boy turned to her with a scrunched up face, she felt like pinching his adorable cheeks, "come, let's drop Hinata at her home."

Naruto blinked, but started following silently. Walking back with them wasn't an everyday occurrence, mainly because he didn't want them to be subjected to the same glares and disgusted looks that Naruto himself was. Which just reiterated Kurenai's earlier thought, Naruto was a sweetheart. Innocent and foolish, perhaps, but a nice boy.

The walk back was silent and awkward, mostly because Hinata had a cloud of depression hanging over her head and Naruto was trying to figure out how to fix it, but not able to understand why what he said was wrong.

Once Hinata had been dropped at the Hyūga compound, Kurenai, to Naruto's visible surprise, asked him, "Would you like to join me for lunch, Naruto-kun?"

After a moment, Naruto nodded hesitantly. Kurenai understood his reticence; they had never been alone together after all. There had always been Nanashi or Anko or Hinata with them, or some combination of the three. But it was better that none of them were here for the conversation that she wanted to have with Naruto. All three of them lacked the emotional maturity for such a heavy conversation.

A moment later, the last thought gave her pause. Was this really her social circle? Two pre-teens and two people who were emotionally on the same level?

Kurenai decided to shelve that line of thinking for now.

She took Naruto to a shop on the main market road and let him choose the seat and table, aware that he would unconsciously relax once he was sure that she wasn't trying to poison him with soba noodles (that particular quirk never failed to amuse her.)

Once they had been seated and ordered, Kurenai decided that the best way to approach this conversation was to have it directly; Naruto wasn't one for subtleties, after all.

"Naruto-kun, can you guess why Hinata turns red around you?"

Once more, the boy in front of her scrunched up his face adorably. "I don't know 'ttebayo! I thought it was a fever so I asked nii-chan but he just smiled and shook his head; and Ayame nee-chan did the same thing! I even asked the nurse in the Academy, but she just stared at me and muttered, 'save me from the love lives of pre-teens', and then she shooed me away! I don't get it!"

Kurenai couldn't help but let out a small laugh, not least at his uncannily accurate impression of the Academy nurse. At least the boy had tried to gather information, even if he lacked the maturity to understand it.

"Well, Naruto-kun, the reason is that Hinata likes you."

His reaction was understandably one of confusion. "Huh?"

Kurenai just looked at him with the amused smile still on her face. She saw the precise second when Naruto realized that she wasn't joking; his eyes went wide and his jaw slackened. "Hinata…likes me?"

The way that they had both stressed the word 'like' meant that there was no confusion to Kurenai's meaning, though any misunderstanding might have been entertaining.

Kurenai kept an eye on Naruto as he spaced out. Soon enough, Naruto's eyes came back in focus. "But… But she never said anything!"

Kurenai smiled, "It's not easy to admit that you like someone Naruto-kun, especially to the person you like."

A look of confusion crossed Naruto's face at that. "But… If you like someone, you're supposed to ask them on a date! Right?" Naruto finished uncertainly, looking shaken.

Kurenai's smile had widened into a grin by this point; atleast now she knew how Naruto's mind worked. If he saw something to be done, he went ahead and did it; thinking about it further had no purpose in Uzumaki Naruto's world.

"Well, yes," Kurenai admitted, "but it's not always easy to do what you're supposed to do. For example, do you find it easy to do well in your written tests?"

The instant look of revulsion on Naruto's face prompted a small laugh from Kurenai.

"Well, Hinata finds it hard to confess her feelings to you. She's very shy, as you know."

Once she had given him food for thought, the waiter served them their actual food, and the two of them ate in silence. She dearly wanted to know what went on in that brain of his, but she held her tongue, letting him work through his feelings.

Once they had finished with their meal of rice, vegetables and stir-fried pork, the waiter cleared away their plates and brought them a steaming pot of tea. Kurenai poured them each a cup, and decided to broach the subject again. "Well, now that you know, tell me what you think of Hinata."

"Hmm… She's timid and weird."

Kurenai felt her smile become fixed; it was exactly what he had said on a previous occasion- to the poor girl's face, no less. That he still thought of her that way didn't bode well.

But Naruto continued, unaware of Kurenai's annoyance, "I guess I thought she was weird because she kept turning red and I didn't know why…" Naruto's ears were now decidedly pink as he trailed off, mumbling inaudibly.

Kurenai's took a sip of her tea and put the cup down, making a small noise as she did so; as intended, it snapped Naruto out of his reverie.

"Umm… She's shy and quiet, but I like that about her, even though I don't like that it was her dad that made her that way…"

Kurenai's eyebrows rose; by The Log, how had he figured that out? Hinata never spoke about her home life.

But Naruto wasn't done. "She misses her mom and she loves her sister, and there's a fight she has with her cousin, I think… Oh! She likes cinnamon buns as well- which are all right, but they aren't as good as ramen…"

Well. Well.

Kurenai was forced to re-evaluate her opinion of Naruto. Clearly, he was more than a happy-go-lucky kid.

But it wasn't that surprising, once she thought about it. He had grown up as an orphan, and that entailed judging people's intentions towards him- far sooner than he otherwise would have had to. The assassination attempt hadn't done him any favours either; now that she thought about it, he was always guarded around anyone who wasn't in his immediate circle. He was quite perceptive when it came to people, and he had a way of needling out their thoughts and feelings.

Naruto was innocent, but he wasn't hopelessly naïve.

The fact that he had accompanied Kurenai to lunch now took on added significance, as it meant that he considered her one of his closest people. It wasn't something that Kurenai took lightly.

Naruto was suddenly looking at her in a panic. "Kurenai-sensei! What should you do when someone likes you!?"

Pushing the warm glow of being called 'sensei' to the back of her mind, Kurenai said gently, "Well, Naruto-kun, that is entirely up to you. You could leave things as they are, and pretend that you don't know about how Hinata feels about you." Naruto frowned, clearly not liking that option- and that won him points in Kurenai's book. "On the other hand, you could hint to her that you know about her feelings, and wait for her to approach you when she feels ready. Or you could confront her directly."

Knowing Naruto, he would confront the girl directly, all thoughts of propriety be damned.

But Naruto wasn't one of the most unpredictable people in Konoha for nothing. Widening his baby blue eyes in an adorable puppy-dog expression, he begged her, "What do you suggest I should do? Please tell me, Kurenai-sensei!"

Kurenai's smiled. Searching out the advice of a woman was always a good sign in a man, no matter his age. "Well, since Hinata is quite shy, I would suggest that you let her approach her on her own terms. But let her know that you're aware of her feelings. And please stop telling her she's weird, the poor girl lacks confidence in herself as it is."

For a fleeting second, she saw an expression of triumph in Naruto's expression, before it was buried under a flood of gratitude, as he profusely thanked her for her advice, and for the meal that she bought for them.

It would be three months before she cottoned on to the fact that she had been played- Anko had taught Naruto how to use his innocent blue eyes to devastating effect.

The next time Naruto was training with them, he feigned an air of casualness. "Ne, Hinata, have you ever been on a date?"

The girl immediately turned beet-red, and Kurenai wanted to facepalm. The idiot probably thought he was being subtle. Still, the fact that Hinata hadn't passed out was a good sign.

"N-no… Wh-why do you a-ask?"

Still feigning an air of nonchalance, one that looked horribly forced and didn't fool anyone other than Naruto himself, he replied, "Well, Kurenai-sensei said that it might be a good training exercise…"

Now Kurenai wanted to throttle the blond, not least because of the betrayed look Hinata was sending her way.

But Naruto wasn't done, "So, if you wanted, you could ask me on a date, and we… Hinata? Hinata! Oh man… Kurenai-sensei, Hinata passed out again!"

Kurenai sighed.

3 Months after Nanashi's departure, Konoha's Market District: Mitarashi Anko

"AAAAAAAHHHH!" Uzumaki Naruto screamed as he ran down the crowded market district, dodging the pedestrians with practiced ease. The reason for his screaming became almost instantly clear, as a gleefully cackling Anko pursued him, a snake protruding from her sleeve. "Take your punishment like a man!"

So common was this sight that the market regulars had stopped reacting. A small part of Anko noted that she would have to break them of this monotony.

"NII-CHAN!" Naruto dived underneath a pair of legs and peeked out from behind a remarkably similar-looking, albeit older, blond. Naruto even had the audacity to stick his tongue out at her.

But before Anko could make the little shit pay, Nanashi drawled out, "Well, here I was thinking I would look in on my little brother. So, naturally, I followed the sounds of the largest commotion in the village." Anko grinned unrepentantly, while Nanashi rolled his eyes. "Care to explain what this is about?"

Anko opened her mouth, "…," sheepishly rubbing the back of her head, she tried again, "I forgot."

Nanashi sighed and rubbed his temple, while Naruto sputtered behind his adopted brother.

Looking around, Nanashi continued, "Nobody's even interested! How often does this happen anyway!?"

"You know, I was just thinking the same thing. I need to step up my game if people consider this normal," Anko mused.

Nanashi deadpanned, before blatantly turning to Naruto who immediately burst out, "She's crazy! She does this all the time! She even scared me in the bathroom once!"

Anko snickered, "Ah… good times."

Nanashi sighed again, but Naruto quickly changed the topic before they could devolve into any more shenanigans. "Ne, nii-chan, how long will your clone last today?"

Nanashi's clone shrugged. "Dunno. I'll have a better idea once I report to Hokage-sama. I should have enough juice to last till dinner, at any rate."

"Cool!"

Nanashi grinned and ruffled the munchkin's hair, while Anko suggestively asked, "What about… after dinner?"

Nanashi grinned, "Well, I guess I'll just have to save enough… juice."

Naruto muttered about perverted adults while Anko and Nanashi leered at each other, before Nanashi moved on to the Hokage tower. "See ya guys later!"

Once the clone was out of sight, Anko grinned down at the suddenly nervous younger blond. "Now… Where were we?"

Naruto whimpered.

Once dinner had been finished, and "dessert" had been devoured, Anko lay sprawled across Nanashi's clone, both of them naked as the day they were born. How a chakra construct could take off its clothing Anko had no idea; and thinking about it made her head hurt, so she stopped trying. In any case, there was something else she had wanted to talk about.

"You don't touch the munchkin."

Sensing Nanashi's confusion, she elaborated, "You occasionally ruffle his hair and you spar with him, but you don't touch him otherwise. You don't hug him, or pat his back or anything." She raised her head to look at him in the eye, "Getting positive human contact is essential for a child his age. Otherwise, he could be easily manipulated by an enemy in the future with a few simple touches, and he wouldn't even know it."

Nanashi looked at her thoughtfully for a few minutes, before a smile graced his face. It was a nice smile, but one that she didn't like the look of. "So you're saying that if someone is starved of the right kind of touch during their childhood, they'll seek it out later?"

Anko nodded, "It's the basis for both torture and seduction. The right kind of touch can easily influence your target into doing what you want. If done right, it can even make the target crave your touch."

But Nanashi was still smiling like she was missing the point, and it was only when his arms tightened around her that Anko realized what he was insinuating.

That she craved his touch.

Anko's reaction was immediate- she suddenly found herself standing next to the bed, almost getting whiplash from how quickly she got up.

Naturally, Orochimaru had been the master of manipulation, and he had conditioned Anko to his own touch long before she had ever learned of the manipulation. He had made her crave his attention, his praise, and even his touch; he had made himself the centre of her universe.

And now Nanashi had inadvertently insinuated the same thing, even though he was ignorant of how his actions mirrored the Snake Sannin's.

Anko was embarrassed; not because of the free show she was currently giving him, but because of her reaction. She hated that hurt look in his eyes, the one that he always had whenever she left after their fucking; but it was (understandably) more pronounced now.

She opened her mouth to explain, but instead blurted out, "Come back soon, all right?"

She didn't miss the way his shoulders slumped in disappointment, but he nodded wordlessly and dissipated, his assorted clothing disappearing as well.

As soon as the smoke cleared, Anko slumped to bed with her face in her hands and let out a groan. That… could have gone better.

8 Months after Nanashi's departure, Naruto's Apartment: Uzumaki Naruto

"Happy birthday munchkin!"

Naruto was less than enthused at this declaration, even though it was his birthday. Perhaps this had something to do with the fact that Anko had broken into his apartment yet again, despite the improved security seals that nii-chan had added?

"I have a present for you!" Now Naruto looked wary. Understandable, really; her last few presents had been… ah, entertaining. For Anko. Naruto, on the other hand, was still trying to remove the grass stains from his ceiling.

But then Anko swooped down, and there was really nothing that Naruto could do to stop the advance of the Tokubetsu Jōnin. To his surprise though, she didn't attack, merely whispered in his ear.

Naruto's eyes widened.

Anko leaned back, smirking.

And then identical grins exploded across their faces.

Tamarau Haraka had been a civilian shopkeeper in Konoha's market district for the past 19 years. He had never failed to miss a day of work, managing to clock in despite wars, sickness, the Kyūbi's attack, the Uchiha massacre and other assorted disasters that both Konoha and he himself had personally faced.

Over the past few months, he had watched as the boy who held the Kyūbi was relentlessly tormented by another of the village's pariahs, the infamous Snake Mistress. While Haraka had no love for the boy, he couldn't help but pity the boy as he saw him run screaming from the clearly insane woman. He was less amused when the boy engaged in a prank war against the Snake Mistress, mostly because the fallout happened to affect the market district - be it smelly manure or orange paint (Seriously? Orange?)

But what Haraka saw today chilled him to the very bone.

He saw the two pariahs walking down the market district, next to each other with identical grins on their faces. He didn't have to be a shinobi to understand that the trouble those two got up to together could be infinitely worse than being caught in the crossfire of their battle against each other.

And then he saw the boy yank on the Snake Mistress's sleeve and point straight to Haraka.

The Snake Mistress's grin widened.

Haraka instinctively decided that discretion was the better part of valour, and for the first time in 19 years, Haraka did not open his shop, instead turning back and going straight home. He did not want any part in the madness that was surely going to follow.

Haraka ignored the sounds of snickering behind him.

2 Hours Later, Konoha marketplace: Uzumaki Naruto

"Happy birthday little brother!"

"Nii-chan!" Naruto was greeted by a warm hug from his adopted brother, one that was a birthday gift all on its own. He quite liked hugs, Naruto decided.

"So…" Taking a casual look around at a clearly terrified marketplace, Nanashi-nii-chan asked, "Is there any particular reason why everyone around looks like an exploding tag is about to go off?"

Both Anko's and Naruto's grins returned full force. Naruto spoke first, "They think we're about to prank them."

Nanashi-nii-chan nodded, so Anko continued, "The thing is, we're already pranking them."

Nii-chan look confused, "I don't get it."

Naruto turned to Anko pleadingly, who magnanimously made a 'go ahead' gesture. Beckoning nii-chan closer, Naruto whispered in his ear, "We're not doing anything, we're just standing around looking like we're going to prank them."

Nii-chan blinked, looked between the terrified shoppers and shopkeepers and the pranking pair a few times, before understanding dawned. "You're pranking them… by not pranking them?"

Upon seeing them both nod, nii-chan breathed out, "That's brilliant!"

Naruto's resulting smile was radiant.

"We're taking bets on who breaks next and runs away. I've got the old geezer in the first storey window," Anko said, grinning viciously as she waved to her target, who paled and ducked.

"I've got the woman by the door of the spa," Naruto sent a cheeky smile towards his target.

"Feel free to point out yours, that only makes them more nervous, for some reason," Anko finished.

"Hmm…" Nanashi-nii-chan took a careful look around, before suddenly pointing at a girl hiding behind a curtain of a boutique. "That one!" The girl in question let out an audible 'eep' as she disappeared. A few moments later, the girl's father came and drew the curtain, before making his way to the front door of the shop and locking it.

All three troublemakers snickered.

A few minutes later, the trio heard the sound of a clearing throat behind them. Turning around, they found… "Hokage-jii-chan!"

The venerable Sarutobi smiled down at the excitable now-11 year old. "Happy birthday, Naruto." Sarutobi was surprised, but pleased, at the hug the young Uzumaki gave him.

"So, why are you here instead of trying to eat the Ichiraku's out of their business?"

Naruto sheepishly grinned while rubbing the back of his head. "Hehehe…it was Scary Snake Lady's idea! We just had to do it dattebayo!"

The old man Hokage took a look around; to his credit, he figured out their prank almost immediately. Still, he turned to Anko, "If I were to conduct a search of the area for traps and pranking materials…"

"You would find absolutely nothing, Hokage-sama," Anko finished confidently.

"I see," old man Hokage said, and he did see. Regardless of the prank's ingenuity, he had to break it up. "I received multiple reports of a disturbance in the marketplace, but none of them specified exactly what the disturbance was."

Anko saw where this was headed. "Aww, come on old man… Just five more minutes… Do it for the birthday munchkin…" Naruto joined her pleading, turning his wide blue eyes up to the old man.

Sarutobi knew that look; he had seen it often enough in his long life, and it wasn't enough to sway him.

…well, maybe a little.

Once again, he cleared his throat. "An ANBU squad will be here to investigate this disturbance in 10 minutes."

Awed grins spread across the three faces in front of Sarutobi, and he quickly added to Nanashi-nii-chan, "It will take me that long to return to my office."

Nii-chan nodded, "I'll see you there."

The Hokage nodded one last time and walked away.

Naruto said reverently, "Old man Hokage is awesome!" His sentiment was echoed by both nii-chan and the Scary Snake Lady.

And then, as one, they turned back to the marketplace that had been holding its breath; Anko let out a cackle, Nanashi-nii-chan rubbed his hands together, and Naruto let out a malevolent grin.

The majority of the marketplace fled at that point, pursued by the laughter of the trio.

After nii-chan had finished his meeting with the old man Hokage, they met up at Ichiraku's. Once they had all eaten celebratory ramen, Nanashi-nii-chan took him to a nearby training ground.

"Ready for your gift, little brother?"

Naruto started bouncing in place, barely able to quell his excitement.

The moment he caught his 'gift', he immediately deflated. Opening the scroll, he started reading aloud, "'The basics of Fūinjutsu'? I'll have to study?"

Nii-chan didn't seem put off by his lack of excitement. Instead, he merely grinned, and opened a scroll of his own and started drawing a bunch of indecipherable squiggles.

10 minutes later, nii-chan gingerly held out the piece of paper he had been working on. "Put this on the ground about 20 metres away, pour some chakra into it and then run back as fast as you can."

Naruto realized that this was serious-prank-mode-nii-chan. He held the paper as gingerly as nii-chan had been holding it, and followed his instructions to the letter.

Once he applied chakra, he ran back, hiding behind nii-chan's legs and peeking out.

What Naruto saw next changed his life.

He saw a beautiful explosion, one that left stars in his eyes and a ringing in his ears.

After he shook off the fugue state, he turned to his nii-chan. "With Fūinjutsu, you can do that, make barriers, shock tags, and whatever else you can think of. I also happen to be a certified master of the art." With a grin, nii-chan asked the question that wasn't really a question, "So, little brother, would you like to learn Fūinjutsu?"

A grinning Naruto couldn't nod his agreement fast enough.

The Next Morning, Konoha Academy: Haruno Sakura

When Sakura heard that Naruto had successfully caused a massive commotion in the market yesterday, she had groaned. She just knew that Naruto was going to be insufferable today; he usually gloated obnoxiously after a large scale prank, and he expected her to be impressed by his annoying antics and agree to go on a date with him.

While she secretly admired Naruto's ability to fool a large number of people, it wasn't nearly enough to go out on a date with the loud blond. No, Haruno Sakura liked her men dark, broody and mysterious. Three guesses for who topped that particular list, and the last two didn't count.

But as she walked into the Academy early (Cha! Take that, Ino-pig!) Sakura almost missed a step.

Because Naruto was sitting quietly at a desk, studying.

Willingly, no less.

It was the first time she was directly affected by Naruto's unpredictability.

Naruto was seated on the bench right in front of Sasuke (who's unaccompanied! Score!), so she decided she would peek at whatever could hold the prankster's attention for this long, on her way to her true target.

But Naruto was clearly a few chapters in, because what she saw made no sense to her whatsoever. For someone who prided herself as a bibliophile, seeing a classmate who was studying something she had never heard of was disturbing; on more levels than one because this was Naruto.

More and more, Sakura was wondering if she was in a dream (Or maybe an alternate universe!? We'll punch our way back, Shannaro!)

Ignoring her Inner self, Sakura called out hesitantly, "Naruto?"

When all she got was a distracted 'Hm?' as Naruto failed to as much as look up from his work, Sakura felt even more unbalanced. What was going on?

"Umm… What are you working on?"

"Fūinjutsu 'ttebayo…" Naruto muttered distractedly.

Sakura felt her eyes widen. Fūinjutsu was a highly dangerous and restricted art; only Chūnin level ninja or above could learn it! She knew, she had tried!

With a sudden suspicion, she asked Naruto pointedly, "Did you steal that book from someone?"

"No… Nii-chan gave it to me for my birthday yesterday…"

The small (all right, quite large) part of her that was constantly paying attention to Sasuke noticed that the raven-haired boy had stiffened as soon as Naruto said the word 'nii-chan'. His eyes had flashed with… something dark before he clamped down on his reaction. Sasuke's jaw was still clenched, though.

Why, she couldn't fathom. Perhaps this 'nii-chan' had played a prank on Sasuke as well?

It never even occurred to her that Perfect Prince Sasuke could be jealous.

"Oh…" Sakura felt rather foolish at this point, "Belated happy birthday."

"Thanks…" Naruto muttered, and went on studying, not once having paid any attention to who he was talking to. He would have been crowing about the interaction otherwise… Right?

As Sakura slid into the seat next to Sasuke, she tried to recall the last time Naruto had pestered her for a date. To her surprise, she realized it had been more than a month. He had started sitting with Hinata in class occasionally, and there were rumours that he was training with her as well… Could he have noticed her crush on him? (Cha! As if! Naruto-Baka is a clueless idiot!) And now he was learning Fūinjutsu, and seemed to be good at it.

Three weeks later, Sakura could no longer contain her curiously about the Sealing Arts, and started regularly sitting with Naruto.

10 Months after Nanashi's departure, Training Ground 23: Yūhi Kurenai

To Kurenai's consternation, Naruto's grades had slipped right back down to dead last ever since he had started learning Fūinjutsu. Naruto had been steadily improving before that due to a combination of Nanashi, Hinata and herself (even Anko to an extent) helping him with the basics; but once he had got his hands on the Sealing Arts, Naruto studied them to the exclusion of everything else.

Granted, he seemed to have a knack for the subject, but allowing the rest of his studies to suffer was almost criminal, in her opinion.

Unfortunately, she was only his part-time teacher and not his parent, so he could get away with easily brushing her (forceful) advice away. Even Nanashi's warnings went in one ear and out the other.

But there was nothing to be done because Naruto was a stubborn, knuckleheaded idiot, even if he did surprise them at times.

It didn't help that he knew that she had been learning the Sealing Arts from his adopted older brother; he was relentless in his questioning. So much so that she had automatically started saying 'I don't know, ask your brother.'

While she disapproved of the way he was obsessed with Fūinjutsu, atleast he was learning it the right way. He would probably surpass her knowledge by the time he graduated, at this rate.

As she saw Naruto training in a bout of Taijutsu against Hinata, Kurenai frowned. She had never been able to outright train against Nanashi, because her best illusions slid off him like water off a duck's back. She was limited to Taijutsu and a few Ninjutsu, but those were not her forté. She hated a handicap like that, and had constantly been searching for something to level the playing field against him; not least because if she ever came up against an enemy who had a similar advantage against her, she would be utterly screwed.

"Ne, Kurenai-sensei?"

Kurenai blinked, realizing that the bout had ended while she had been lost in her thoughts. Once more, Naruto had won by outlasting his opponent, taking more punishment than her to land a decisive blow. Whatever the state of his grades, at least his physical development was on track. "Good job on the battle, Naruto-kun. What did you want to ask?"

Seeing him sheepishly rub the back of his head whenever she praised him never failed to bring a smile to her face; even though Anko had taught him to use such endearing expressions to his advantage, Kurenai knew that he genuinely treasured whatever praise he received.

"Umm… I had a question about nii-chan. He has a seal that prevents Genjutsu from being used on him right? How does that work?"

He had been thinking along the same lines as Kurenai herself. Withholding the sigh that she desperately wanted to enunciate (of course his question would be about Fūinjutsu), Kurenai answered Naruto, "Well, it's a rather complicated topic. Of course, you are not to attempt something like this. I doubt you are ready for something at this level. But the gist of it is- he's placed a seal on himself that prevents someone else's Yin chakra from reaching his brain, thereby preventing any Genjutsu from affecting him."

Naruto had stared at her with a laser-like intensity during her explanation, committing her words to memory. "Hmm… So Genjutsu works by affecting the brain?"

Seeing Kurenai nod he continued, "And the Yin chatora-" "It's pronounced chakra," "The Yin chat- chakra, you said that's the spiritual energy of the body right?"

Kurenai nodded, "It is."

"And I think you said it's used for healing too right…"

"Yes, Yin chakra is also used for iryo-jutsu, or medical techniques."

"So it can affect the body, right?"

Kurenai quirked an eyebrow, as she wondered where the blond was going with this. "Yes."

"So can't Genjutsu be used to… I dunno, move the body without using the brain?"

"No," Kurenai's mouth said automatically. And then her brain processed the statement that the knuckle-headed idiot had spewed so casually.

Suddenly, her mind was suddenly whirling with the sheer number of possibilities.

This… was groundbreaking. It was potentially a hitherto undiscovered branch of Genjutsu. One that she could be a pioneer of. One that could easily level the playing field against Nanashi and other similar enemies.

And all it had taken were a few questions from a kid who wasn't even a Genin.

She snapped back to reality, suddenly realising that Naruto had called her name a few times before wandering off, asking her if she was thinking of ramen (most likely it was the expression on his own face when he did the same.)

She gazed at Naruto with a sudden fondness. Screw his Academy scores, the kid was a genius!

One Year after Nanashi's departure, 'The Burning Leaf' bar: Mitarashi Anko and Yūhi Kurenai

When Mitarashi Anko drank, she was loud, exuberant, fun to be with and generally all-round awesome (in her own humble opinion.)

Which was why seeing her nurse a single saucer of saké for a quarter hour raised all sorts of red flags.

Yūhi Kurenai waited patiently, barely sipping her own saké as she watched her best friend stare at her saucer as if it held all the answers to her problems. She had been noticeably subdued recently, and quite a few people had noticed. Clearly, Anko had something on her mind, and she needed to get it off her chest, which was why she had asked Kurenai to accompany her today. One or two drinks would help get the conversation started though, and Kurenai found herself willing Anko to throw her drink back as she usually did.

"I think I'm losing him," Anko said finally.

Kurenai felt her face soften. It was rare to see the Snake Mistress display her insecurity so openly. Kurenai started to offer a few platitudes to her best friend, "I'm sure you-"

"No, it's different. Before, he… But then I… And then him…"

Anko ceased her babbling, then picked up her drink and threw it down her throat. Then she poured a second one, which quickly followed; then a third. A fourth was about to follow when Kurenai placed her own saucer down firmly, making a loud noise and breaking Anko's concentration. Anko glared at the offending saucer, before covering her face with her hands and groaning.

Kurenai said gently, "Start from the beginning."

A few moments later, the alcohol started doing its work. "You remember when Nanashi… did his thing?" Anko asked, tilting her neck slightly to indicate the fake Cursed Seal. "We started fucking immediately after that." Kurenai suppressed a snort; the entire village had heard about how a half-naked Anko had abducted the man from a public place before having her wicked way with him. "And almost right from the start, he wanted… more."

More sex? Surely Anko was energetic enough to… Oh. Oh.

"I was kinda hesitant, initially, because once the whole…" Anko tilted her neck again, "thing happened, it brought up a lot of repressed feelings. Feelings about him."

The way Anko venomously spat the word 'him' meant it could only be one person.

Orochimaru.

Kurenai felt a stab of excitement run through her. Anko never spoke about Orochimaru to her, other than viciously curse his name. Kurenai had never pushed, but she was naturally curious.

She was also in a public place. Kurenai immediately started forming the handseals of the surprisingly difficult Ninjutsu-Fūinjutsu hybrid Sound Barrier that the aforementioned Nanashi had taught her during their training sessions.

Anko kept talking, unaware of the technique that her best friend wove to protect her privacy. The dam had burst, and there was no stopping the flood of emotions that Anko had kept bottled up. "And from the start, I had to work through the feelings I had for Orochimaru, because the last thing I wanted was to project those on to Nanashi, you know? It doesn't help that every once in a while he does or says something that reminds of him."

Anko's voice had cracked at this point, but she threw back the previously abandoned fourth shot and soldiered on, absently pouring a fifth one. "And I don't know if I can do that again, let someone become the centre of my world, because the last time…" Anko laughed harshly, a few tears spilling out, "Well, I'm still fucked up from the last time I loved somebody so much, in case it wasn't obvious. And no, it wasn't that kind of love. He was everything to me, my mentor, my father, my…" Once more Anko's voice cracked, and this time she let the tears spill out without attempting to drink.

Kurenai looked at her best friend with a- not pitying, never pitying- sympathetic gaze, waiting for her to regain her composure. Kurenai took a discreet look around, pleased to notice that thanks to her sound barrier, Anko's breakdown hadn't attracted an audience.

After a few minutes, Anko continued. "And Nanashi kept trying, you know? Even though I never spent the night at his place after we fucked, I could see him get hurt just a little deeper each time I left. And whenever he said the right thing, whenever the moment was right, I opened my mouth and said exactly the wrong thing! I keep fucking it up whenever I have the chance to take things farther! And I don't even know why!"

Anko threw back her fifth saucer of saké; and Kurenai quickly hid the bottle in the moment that Anko's head was thrown back. More alcohol wasn't the answer here. Such was Anko's state that she didn't even notice the disappearance of the bottle. "I always thought that that fucking seal was what was wrong with me, that when it was gone, I would be all better! Well, Nanashi did it, my knight in shining fucking armour, a man who's as fucked up as I am, who's as perfect for me as I am for him because we're both so goddamn broken! He removed my fucking curse, and by all means I should be healed! Then why do I feel so goddamn… fucking… rusted!? Why do I feel like I'm barely holding together, when I should be magically fucking better!?"

Tears were dripping steadily from Anko's eyes at this point, but she didn't even notice. Absently sniffing, Anko continued, "You know the worst part? He finally stopped trying. Earlier he would send his Kage Bunshin back with enough chakra to last through the night, but now he barely has time to report to the old geezer and spend time with the munchkin, then poof! I don't even know why he kept at it for this long. Sure, we had some great sex, but all I did was hurt him in return. And I don't know for sure, but I get the feeling that…" Anko swallowed; somehow, despite everything else that she was suffering through, this was the worst of it, "there's another woman," Anko finished with a whisper, her voice breaking for the last time.

After that, the only sound was of Anko sniffing. She had finally realized that her face was a mess, but all she did was wipe it with the sleeve of her trademark trench coat.

Kurenai stayed silent for a while, processing all of Anko's emotional baggage. It was quite a lot more than she had anticipated. "Well," Kurenai said finally, "the first thing you need to do is work through your issues. Ignoring them so far clearly hasn't worked. You need to deal with your self-worth before it affects any more of your relationships."

Anko was studiously examining her saké saucer, but Kurenai knew her best friend well enough to know that Anko was intently listening to every word.

"Second, you don't need to worry about another woman. He's going to come back home at some point, and he'll come home to you."

"Is that what you tell yourself about a certain bearded smokestack?" Anko snarked.

Kurenai frowned. "I thought we were discussing your likely-philanderer?"

Anko winced, and Kurenai grimaced. That had come out a little sharper than she had intended. Anko always got defensive whenever Kurenai tried to advise her friend, and sometimes her barbs hurt; mostly because they were true.

"Well, I suppose we could always tempt both of them back with a threesome. No red-blooded male would say no to that," Kurenai said by way of apology.

Anko snorted. Neither of them would risk it with those particular men, the risk for drama was far too high. Still, atleast Kurenai wasn't totally opposed to a threesome with her. That was something, she supposed.

But now that Anko had raised the topic of Asuma, Kurenai realized that she had stuff she needed to talk about as well. "You know what? Screw this," Kurenai uncharacteristically swore before she threw her own drink back and slammed her saucer down. "Fix yourself up. We're going back to my place and getting roaring drunk."

Anko grinned for the first time that night. "Words to live by, sister."

14 Months After Nanashi's departure, Outside the Academy: Uzumaki Naruto

"Nii-chan?"

"Hm?"

"What kind of clone are you?"

"This is called a Kage Bunshin, or a Shadow Clone."

"Is it hard to learn?"

Nii-chan did that thing where his eyes twinkled behind his mask as he smiled invisibly. "Very hard."

Naruto made sure to keep his voice even as he casually asked, "Harder than a normal Bunshin?"

Unfortunately, nii-chan saw right through his facade. Frowning, nii-chan shook his head, "No."

"But…"

"No."

"I haven't even made my request!"

"No."

"Please teach me the Kage Bunshin!"

"No."

"I can't learn the normal Bunshin 'ttebayo!"

"No."

"I'll fail my exam!"

"No."

"My graduation exam!"

"No."

"This is my last try in the Academy!"

"No."

"Do you want me to fail?" Naruto asked sadly as he pouted, using a trick he had seen other kids use.

Nii-chan's voice softened, "No."

Suddenly hopeful, Naruto perked up, "So you'll teach me the Kage Bunshin!?"

"No."

Naruto deflated, and tried every trick in the book; but his nii-chan was adamant.

Then, Naruto decided to try a less-than-savoury tactic.

Putting his hands together in a seal, Naruto called out, "Oiroke no Jutsu (Sexy Technique!)"

As Naruto was engulfed in smoke, he heard his nii-chan scoff. "Seriously!? I invented that technique-"

But Naruto wasn't an unpredictable prankster for nothing. As the smoke cleared, it revealed Naruto's form- which was not of the usual perky curvaceous blond.

No, the clouds cleared to reveal Mitarashi Anko's form, in all her voluptuous glory (with a few clouds strategically protecting her modesty.)

"-…" clearly, the Sexy Technique technique was all-powerful if strong guys like nii-chan also fell for it.

Adopting a breathy whisper that he had heard Anko use on occasion, Naruto said seductively, "You love your little brother, don't you?"

Seeing nii-chan shiver like that sent a queasy feeling through Naruto's stomach, but he soldiered on once he saw nii-chan nod absently. "You want him to graduate from the Academy, don't you?"

Once more, nii-chan nodded. Now for the bait… "If you could help your little brother graduate, would you?"

Once more, nii-chan nodded. And now for the sinker… "All you need to do is-"

"Ah-hem!"

The form of the naked Mitarashi Anko froze. Naruto knew that voice. He had nightmares about that voice. Praying to the Ramen Gods that he was mistaken, he slowly turned around…

To find the actual Mitarashi Anko behind him.

Fuck!

An all-encompassing ball of fear settled in his gut.

He was so screwed. He was so horrifically screwed that he didn't even bother running.

The naked Anko was so terrified that he didn't dare breathe, let alone release the henge.

Anko (the actual Anko) stalked forward, and the naked Anko tensed, expecting pain.

But to the naked Anko's surprise, the actual Anko merely stalked around, looking at her naked doppelgänger critically.

What happened next was forever seared into Naruto's memory.

The actual Anko spoke up, "My breasts are perkier than that. Do it properly."

The naked Anko blinked in surprised confusion. The actual Anko palmed a kunai and growled, "Do it. Properly."

The naked Anko gulped and released the henge. Gathering his chakra, Naruto said, "Henge!"

Once more Anko critically surveyed her naked counterpart. "The hair is wrong! Do it again!"

"Henge!"

"My legs are longer! Again!"

"Henge!"

"My fingers are slimmer! Again!"

"Henge!"

Nii-chan had been broken from the spell, and was now staring at the scene in horrified fascination. There was an audience as well, but Naruto was too focussed on his task to pay them any attention.

"My hips are rounder! Again!"

"Henge!"

"Again!"

"Henge!"

"Again!"

"Henge!"

This time, the Scary Snake Lady took three separate circuits of her doppelgänger's form. Finally, she nodded in satisfaction. "Good!"

As soon as Naruto released his henge for the last time, she shoved her kunai towards his privates, stopping only when the pressure was physically uncomfortable, but not damaging. "Now, if I ever catch you using that form again, this kunai will gain a few inches, and you will lose a few. Capisce?" Anko said, with a dangerous smile on her face.

Naruto squeaked out his agreement.

"Good. Now scram."

Physically unhurt, but extremely confused, Uzumaki Naruto scampered away as quickly as his legs could carry him, the threat still ringing in his ears. Behind him, he heard his nii-chan sigh while the Scary Snake Lady cackled, but Naruto didn't dare look back.

15 Months After Nanashi's departure, Training Ground 23: Hyūga Hinata

When Hinata walked into the training ground for her shared training with Naruto-kun that week (the thought still sent a frisson of excitement running through her, training with Naruto-kun!) she hadn't expected this particular scene. Not the presence of Mitarashi Anko, no, that was a semi-regular event. As was the fact that the woman was casually leaning against a tree while eating dango, even that was somewhat expected.

No, what was unexpected was the fact that Naruto-kun was trussed up with so much rope that he looked like a blond worm. While he hung upside down from a branch. About a foot away from a rearing, hissing- and clearly venomous- snake. "Nice kraitler-chan… Pretty kraitler-chan… Please-don't-bite-me-kraitler-chan…" Naruto-kun chanted, wincing whenever the hissing krait drew too close.

Hinata was a shy girl. She didn't often speak up, preferring to watch events (and certain people) silently. She was also timid, as Naruto-kun had pointed out once, to her eternal shame.

But in that moment, Hinata felt anything but timid as she glared at Mitarashi Anko.

Anko made a show of looking around before her eyes finally landed on Hinata. A wicked smile grew on her lips as she looked amused at the paltry killing intent being emitted by the Hyūga heiress. "Oh? Kitty's got claws!" Anko exclaimed delightedly as she started to get up.

"Stay away from Hinata you crazy- niiiice kraitler-chan, pleasepleasepleasedon'tbiteme-kraitler-chan."

"Aw, I didn't know you cared about your little girlfriend so much, munchkin. Tell you what, all you need to do is say the magic words, and I won't torment that pretty little thing over there."

Such was the depth of Hinata's rage that she didn't even blush at being called Naruto's girlfriend. "Anko-san, please let Naruto-kun down." And wow, Hinata hadn't even known that her voice could get that cold.

But Anko merely smirked. "As soon as he admits that dango is better than ramen, our game of 'Dodge the Snake' ends!"

That's what this was about!?

Naruto was still chanting, "Pretty kraitler-chan, I'll get you a fat mouse if you don't bite me, so please don't bite me, kraitler-chan…"

Thankfully, that was when Kurenai-sensei showed up. "Anko." It may have been one word, but it was loaded with meaning.

"Aww, come on 'nai-chan. Let me have a little fun!"

"Venomous snakes and children don't mix, Anko. We've talked about this."

Anko had unconsciously taken a couple of steps towards Kurenai-sensei.

Which was why Hinata picked her moment and struck, hoping to use her Jūken to disable the venomous krait.

Unfortunately for her, Hinata wasn't faster than a striking snake.

The snake, sensing danger, changed its target and turned to attack Hinata.

Naruto-kun had seen the whole thing out of the corner of his eye. "Wait! Hinata! No!"

Somehow, one of Naruto's arms slipped out of the ropes and he tried to intercept the snake before it sank its fangs into Hinata. He partially succeeded… by letting the fangs sink into his own hand.

For a moment, there was silence in the training ground as everyone watched the snake pump its venom into Naruto-kun.

And then Anko exploded into action. "Fuck!" She grabbed the snake by its neck and somehow yanked it away without causing further damage to the blond, and with her other arm, in a single movement she drew out a kunai, sliced through the infected skin on Naruto-kun's hand -causing the poisoned blood to spurt out- and cut through the ropes binding the blond; all the while spewing a steady stream of expletives - "fucking shit on a stick, skewered balls with maggots falling out-".

And then she grabbed Naruto-kun around the middle and disappeared in a Shunshin, presumably to the hospital.

Hinata's rage had reached a peak. She opened her mouth-

"I'm going to kill her!"

Hinata blinked in surprise as she stared at a fuming Kurenai-sensei. Her crimson eyes were flashing with a righteous fire as her cheeks darkened. Even Kurenai-sensei's wrath was beautiful. Terrible, but beautiful.

Not for the first time, Hinata found herself thankful that she had found Kurenai-sensei after her mother had passed away.

Elsewhere in Konoha, Shimura Danzō was alerted to the fact that the jinchūriki had been admitted to the hospital. He immediately sent a message to one of the nursing staff, who was an undercover ROOT agent, to draw a vial of blood from the future weapon. It was time to test his suspicions.

16 Months After Nanashi's departure, Naruto's Apartment: Uzumaki Naruto

The last month had been… weird.

For one thing, Naruto didn't have to worry about random ambushes from the Scary Snake Lady anymore, because she had been ordered to stay away from Naruto by the old man Hokage. On one hand, it did wonders for his paranoia and his overall mental health.

On the other hand, Naruto was bored.

Sure, he was still studying Fūinjutsu. Sure, his nii-chan came around every once in a while, but his visits were becoming more and more infrequent. Nii-chan didn't say it outright, but he was in more danger than before. Naruto felt proud of reaching that conclusion on limited evidence, one that was confirmed to be true by Kurenai-sensei.

Sure, he was still practising the Bunshin no Jutsu, but he instinctively knew that he was never going to get it to work, putting his chances of graduating in serious jeopardy.

Sure, he was kinda sorta dating Hinata now, even though neither of them had officially asked the other on a date, they had gone on a few… well, dates.

And to his surprise, he was actually teaching Sakura-chan! Him! Teaching the smartest person in their class! And she even tolerated his presence outside of their teaching sessions!

His life was strange, but undeniably better ever since nii-chan had come into the picture, bringing his crazy girlfriend along for the ride.

But now that the two adults hadn't been around for a month, Naruto felt restless. Somehow, life just wasn't the same without their daily dose of insanity.

And then he heard the sounds of someone breaking into his apartment.

Naruto groaned. He really should have known better than to tempt fate.

Resigned, he made his way to the kitchen/living room, where he spied the Scary Snake Lady he had been missing- not missing, just thinking about. (That's right, just thinking about. Missing her would mean he was some kind of weird masochist.)

She was also drunk. He could smell the alcohol on her from where he was standing. Scrunching up his nose in distaste, he asked her, "Are you drunk?"

"No," Anko denied immediately. She reached inside her trench coat, produced a bottle that she took a long swig from and burped. "Well, maybe a little," she said with her thumb and forefinger nearly touching, vastly understating the amount of alcohol she had likely been drinking.

Naruto's eyed her warily. In his experience, drunk people were likely to yell incoherently and ramble nonsense before passing out, usually after vomiting. But there was something else that needed to be addressed first. "Didn't Hokage-jii-chan tell you to stay away from me after your snake bit me?"

"Pssh. I apologised, didn't I?"

Naruto's eye twitched, "The fever dreams I got were weird dattebayo!"

Anko whined, "But I brought you to the hospital!"

Naruto rolled his eyes, an expression he had picked up from both Sakura-chan and nii-chan (who had also picked it up from Sakura-chan, but Naruto wasn't to know that) as Anko collapsed on his couch, bouncing slightly. Naruto knew better than to let his gaze linger on the bouncing, Anko had broken him of that particular habit very quickly.

"So today, I got an official written reprimand from the old geezer, for 'abominable behaviour towards civilian members of the village, even if they are cadets in training'," Anko finished with a fairly accurate impression of Hokage-jii-chan. Taking another swig from her smelly bottle, she continued, "One stupid snakebite and they all try to crawl up my ass. You know the worst part? 'nai-chan was the one who pushed for the written reprimand! My best friend! It's going to be in my file for posterity! I hate it when she turns into a sanctimonious bitch," Anko finished with a grumble. She started to take another swig, but realized her bottle was empty so she let it clatter to the floor. "You got any good booze lyin' around?"

Naruto twitched, "I'm 11, 'ttebayo."

Anko snorted, "Pussy."

Then she suddenly leaned forward, and Naruto did his best to look into her eyes and not down her mesh shirt (what? He was on the cusp of puberty!) "I have a proposition for you, munchkin. You wanted to learn the Kage Bunshin right?"

All thoughts of sneaking a peek immediately vanished from the young prankster's mind. "Yes!"

Anko's grin widened, "I'll teach it to you, on one small condition," she said with her thumb and forefinger as close as before.

Naruto would have made a deal with the devil in that moment. "Anything!"

Anko's grin widened, "Then all you need to do is perform one. Simple. Task."

Naruto's eyes widened as he took in the form of his terrifyingly beautiful saviour, who announced with a dramatic flourish:

"Bring me the thong of Yūhi Kurenai!"

18 Months After Nanashi's departure, Naruto's Apartment: Uzumaki Naruto

"Hi little brother!"

"Nii-chan!" Naruto threw himself into his adopted brother's arms, holding and squeezing the older blond as tightly as he could.

"Whoa, is everything ok, kiddo?"

Naruto nodded, still not letting go. "I've missed you so much, nii-chan," he said with emotion choking his voice.

Nii-chan said with a smile in his voice, "I missed you too, little brother."

Once their long hug was finally over, nii-chan asked the question that immediately had Naruto apprehensive. "Aren't you supposed to training with Kurenai-san and Hyūga-san today?"

Naruto flinched.

Nii-chan's eyes narrowed as he immediately reached the right conclusion. "What did you do?"

Naruto folded in on himself, and mumbled out something incomprehensible.

Nii-chan blinked. "I'm sorry; did you just say 'Kurenai-sensei's underwear'?

Naruto winced.

15 Minutes Later, Training Ground 23: Uzumaki Naruto

"Hi! So I showed up today, to find my gregarious little brother suddenly doing his best impression of a mute. The only words I could make out from his mumbling were related to Kurenai-san's undergarments. So I decided to get the full story straight from the horse's mouth; and I can tell by shy little Hyūga-san's glare, and the fact that this little rascal has not made a single peep the entire way over that it's going to be a doozy. And believe you me, my grip is anything but loose."

Naruto could certainly attest to that, since he was beginning to lose feeling in the ear that nii-chan was dragging him by. But he deserved this punishment. He deserved the glares that Kurenai-sensei and Hinata were sending his way as well. In Scary Snake Lady's words, he was 'taking his punishment like a man.'

That didn't mean he had enjoyed it. The past six weeks had been among the most miserable of his young life. Hinata and Kurenai-sensei weren't talking to him, Scary Snake Lady couldn't talk to him (officially anyway), and nii-chan hadn't visited at all. The only positive interactions in his life were with Iruka-sensei and the Ichiraku's, and occasionally Sakura-chan during their study sessions.

It was like before nii-chan had showed up, back when nobody cared about him.

"Apparently, Anko charged him with stealing some of my underwear," Kurenai-sensei said in a glacial tone.

Naruto winced again. No matter how many times he heard of it, or even thought about it, it was no less embarrassing.

"What would Anko even do with… never mind, I'll just assume it was something suitably embarrassing and move on."

Embarrassing was right, Scary Snake Lady had-

Naruto's thought process was suddenly cut out by his nii-chan raising his voice, "Naruto! Did it at no point occur to you that this was a monumentally stupid idea!?"

Nii-chan was really mad; he almost never called Naruto by his name, and certainly never in that tone. Cringing, Naruto stayed silent, not wanting to disclose the terms of the agreement he had made with Scary Snake Lady.

Nii-chan wasn't in the mood, though. Shaking Naruto's ear, he growled out, "I assume you've been enjoying the silent treatment from both these ladies. Do you want me to do the same!?"

"No!" Naruto immediately burst out, suddenly terrified. The consequences suddenly seemed far more dire than they had initially been, and they had been pretty bad to begin with.

"Then why did you do it!?"

"Sh-she said she would teach me the Kage Bunshin…" Naruto said in a small voice.

Apparently this was shocking enough that nii-chan's grip slackened and slipped off his ear. In the same deadpan voice, both he and Kurenai-sensei intoned, "What?"

Naruto kept quiet, and nii-chan asked, still in that disbelieving voice, "I thought I told you it's a forbidden technique, it's highly dangerous-"

"WHAT ELSE WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO!?" Naruto suddenly yelled out, his outburst shocking everyone in that clearing. "This is my last chance to graduate from the Academy! I still can't get the Bunshin no Jutsu to work! If I fail, I can't become a ninja like you! I can't become Hokage-" Naruto's voice suddenly cut out in a choke as his eyes filled with tears; but he wasn't going to cry, he was never going to cry again, because he wasn't the star of some tragic play. He pulled his trademark goggles over his eyes until he was sure that no tears would escape.

Once he had brought his tears under control, he pushed his goggles up to see everyone's reactions. Hinata- sweet, kind Hinata- had already forgiven him, he could see it in her eyes. Kurenai-sensei's expression was less severe than before, and he knew he would have to grovel to earn her forgiveness. But nii-chan…

Nii-chan's eyes were unreadable.

After a moment, he turned around and strode from the clearing, presumably to find Anko.

Naruto curled in on himself as he watched Nanashi-nii-chan walk away, feeling a horrible clenching feeling in his gut. He stared miserably long after nii-chan had disappeared.

Hearing a shifting behind him, Naruto remembered that he wasn't alone in the clearing. He had been meaning to apologise to Kurenai-sensei, and now was as good a time as any.

He turned around and sank to his knees, touching his forehead to the ground while prostrating himself fully, performing the dogeza. "Please forgive me, Kurenai-sensei, Hinata," Naruto said as pathetically as he could.

Naruto heard some more shifting, and he was almost certain that Hinata was using her own puppy-dog eyes on their teacher. He didn't dare to look up to make sure though.

After a few moments he heard Kurenai-sensei say, "Get up, Naruto."

Wincing, Naruto got to his feet. The lack of a suffix after his name was telling. Naruto tensed, preparing himself for the worst.

"What you did… It was a violation of both my privacy and trust."

Naruto cringed and nodded. He had known that even as he was rifling through her drawers.

"I'm afraid I can't forgive you quite that easily."

Naruto's shoulders slumped.

"However… the situation was not entirely your fault. Anko manipulated you using your insecurity, with some unfortunate results."

Normally, Naruto would have jumped all over an opening like that; getting an out from a being caught in a prank was extremely rare. But Naruto had been chastising himself for doing this for the last six weeks, and he had known it was wrong while he was committing the act. So he stayed silent, taking responsibility for his actions.

And it was apparently the right decision, because it had been a test from Kurenai-sensei. When she next spoke, her voice had noticeably thawed, "I'm willing to give you a second chance, provided you don't repeat this sort of behaviour.

Naruto looked up, hardly daring to believe his ears. "I promise dattebayo!"

Kurenai looked at him sternly. "See that you keep that promise."

Naruto nodded frantically, before finally taking a peek at Hinata, who sent him a small smile, one that he returned hesitantly.

19 Months After Nanashi's departure, Konoha Academy: Uzumaki Naruto

It had taken Uzumaki Naruto all of five minutes to realize that he could combine the Kage Bunshin with the Henge.

A malevolent grin had spread across his face as soon as he figured out what this meant.

A rock solid alibi.

The potential for mischief… was limitless.

It had taken him a couple of weeks to plan out his prank- never let it be said that Uzumaki Naruto half-assed a prank. He had chosen everything with the utmost care: the location, the target, the means and the materials. And this morning, it had all fallen in place.

Iruka-sensei was running a few minutes late, but the rest of the class was unaware of this little fact.

Naruto had made sure to get a seat with a good view of his target's face. He wouldn't miss this for anything. He had even debated bringing a camera, but figured that doing so would automatically point to himself as the guilty party.

As was (now) the norm for him, Naruto appeared to be intently scribbling a few squiggles (which were really hard to draw 'ttebayo!), but his entire focus was on the door, where his clone, transformed into Iruka-sensei, would shortly enter.

And right on schedule, the door slid open, revealing what appeared to be Iruka-sensei, carrying a wooden tripod easel and a sketchbook under his arm. He closed the door louder than Iruka-sensei normally did, causing Naruto to wince and take a quick look around to see if anyone had noticed something wrong. The only one who even appeared to notice 'Iruka-sensei' was Shikamaru. The lazy Nara swept a deceptively sleepy eye over everyone in class, before he zeroed in on Naruto- who immediately acted like everything was normal, but had started to sweat inside.

Meanwhile, 'Iruka-sensei' had set up the easel and had placed the closed sketchbook on it. "Good morning class," the clone said with Iruka's normal cheer. Absolutely no one paid any attention, as usual.

The clone expected this and coughed slightly, before his head grew demonically large. "QUIET!" Immediately, everyone shot to their seats and there was pin-drop silence.

(Learning the demonic big-head technique had cost Naruto a week of treating Anko-sama to dango, and calling her Anko-sama for twice that long, but it was worth it. So worth it.)

"Good," the Iruka-lookalike said with a small smile that hid the steel underneath. Naruto was impressed- his clone's acting was absolutely flawless. The clone continued, "Today we will have a class on anatomy."

There was some slight confusion, as it was usually Mizuki-sensei who taught the sciences, while Iruka normally focussed on mathematics, history and geography; but nobody complained, to Naruto's silent relief.

The Iruka-clone had meanwhile gone to the blackboard and was writing in chalk, 'The… Anatomy… Of…'

When the last word went to complete the title up, more than a single person looked for Naruto, expecting him to be the perpetrator of what was evidently a prank; and their expressions when they found him sitting in place were hilarious. But Naruto couldn't laugh now and give the game away; that said, he could grin at the title his transformed clone had written on the blackboard in large letters.

The Anatomy of Bitchface.

"Today we will be learning about The Anatomy of Bitchface, complete with examples," the clone said in a perfect imitation of Iruka-sensei's boring lecturing tone. Naruto had to marvel at his clone, he wasn't sure that he himself could say that with a straight face.

And then came the clincher. The clone flipped open the sketchbook on the easel to show the picture underneath, causing scandalised gasps (from the female and gay male members) and sniggers (from the straight male members) to ring out all over the class.

"This," the Iruka-clone said, pointing a slim wooden stick at the picture, "is a classic example of Bitchface."

The picture was of the only male in the classroom who was slowly turning red with rage- after taking a look at said picture.

Uchiha Sasuke.

Naruto had gained a worshipful expression on his face, looking as if 'Iruka-sensei' was the Avatar of The Ramen Gods- it wasn't even fake! To be honest, if Naruto hadn't known beforehand that his clone was the one acting, he would completely have believed this was Iruka-sensei teaching the best class ever. Almost all the boys were laughing, while the girls were sending disapproving glares the way of their teacher and whispering heatedly.

The clone had raised its voice to be heard over the din, "Notice how the cheeks make you want to pelt stones at them, and how the lips make you want them to kiss the dirt," the clone said, pointing to the relevant spots of Sasuke's face with his stick. "And as for the hair," the Iruka-clone made a disapproving 'tsk' sound while shaking his head, "well, let's just say it's a good thing you guys know how to use kunai. If you ever see such a fashion disaster out in the real world, I expect you all, as responsible ninja of Konoha, to shave that Bitchface bald!"

Inuzuka Kiba had started howling with laughter- repeating the words 'Shave that Bitchface Bald'- and Naruto finally joined him with tears leaking out of his eyes. Even the mild-mannered Akimichi Chōji was laughing good-naturedly, and a suspicious twitching could be seen around Aburame Shino's normally stoic face. Nara Shikamaru was shaking his head resignedly, but a small smile could be seen on his lips as well, now that he had figured out the perpetrator.

It goes without saying that other than Hyūga Hinata, the entire female populace of the class was glaring at their teacher in something approaching hatred. And even that was nothing compared to the sheer loathing in Uchiha Sasuke's eyes- loathing that had previously been reserved for his familicidal brother.

Such was the scene that the actual Umino Iruka walked into. "Sorry I'm late-"

Iruka took one look at the laughing/pissed-off students, the material on the board and his guilty-looking doppelgänger and instantly came to the logical conclusion. "NARUTO!"

"Yes, Iruka-sensei?" Naruto called out from the middle of the class, looking the right amount of amused and confused (training his facial expressions with Anko-sama had really paid off dattebayo!)

Quite naturally, Iruka was stumped. Suddenly realizing that his doppelgänger could easily be an enemy infiltrator, Iruka sent a killing-intent-laced-glare while moving into a position to protect as many students as he could.

The clone, not having been exposed to killing intent before, let out a suspiciously-Naruto-like squawk before tripping over himself and dispelling in a cloud of smoke.

For a moment, there was silence in the classroom.

"What," Iruka-sensei growled finally, "has been happening!?"

Quite naturally, the students knew nothing worthwhile; and the only one who did was smart enough to keep his mouth shut. Meanwhile, Sasuke-teme stormed from the class, his face incandescent with rage and humiliation.

The bastard deserved it, 'ttebayo.

For a long time after his family had been killed, Sasuke and Naruto had a mutual empathy towards the other, a silent understanding due to them being the only orphans in class. But after Naruto had gained nii-chan, Sasuke had turned outright antagonistic towards him, taunting and humiliating him whenever we could. Naruto had understood where the hatred was coming from, and proceeded to relentlessly prank the last Uchiha whenever he could in return.

As he watched the ridiculously haired pretty-boy walk from the class, Naruto finally let a vicious smile grace his face. Another successful prank, courtesy of Uzumaki Naruto!

In not-entirely-unrelated-news, that was how Mitarashi Anko got a second written reprimand in her file within two months, courtesy of Uzumaki Naruto.

21 Months After Nanashi's departure, Hokage Monument, Konohagakure: Uzumaki Naruto

Hinata had finally gathered the courage to ask him out on a date yesterday. She had blushed and stuttered through the whole thing, and Naruto himself had turned red when he realized what was happening. Once she had completed her proposal, Naruto signalled his acceptance by impulsively kissing her cheek. Predictably, Hinata had fainted with a massive smile on her face, and to be honest Naruto wasn't much better off.

Ever since then, Naruto had been grinning unstoppably and bouncing off the walls in excitement. He was filled with a restless energy, one that demanded that he go out and do something to commemorate the occasion.

And Naruto had thought of just the thing.

He stepped back to admire his handiwork. Yes, this would do. This would do very nicely indeed.

And right on cue, Naruto heard the sounds of outrage on the streets of Konoha, far below him, as they spied the desecrated Hokage monument.

It was music to his ears.

Slinging his tin of paint over his shoulder, Naruto turned to the assorted ninja below him and started cackling. "Hahaha! You're just pissed you didn't think of it first! But I did! I'm awesome!"

And then Naruto was running, grinning massively as he avoided the older shinobi with practiced ease- heh, they had nothing on Scary Snake Lady- cackling and taunting them, before finally losing them with a bit of ingenuity and a sheet the same colour as the wall he was in front of.

Even being caught by Iruka-sensei didn't put a damper on his mood; neither did being tied up and dumped back in class, nor the forced review of the Transformation technique. All it had done was give him an opportunity to prank Iruka-sensei with the Sexy Technique, and he had winked at Hinata in the aftermath, who blushed prettily. She had understood just why Naruto had felt the need to do something so utterly ridiculous and over-the-top, and she was flattered. The rest of the day he sat next to Hinata, their hands next to each other, almost-but-not-quite touching as they had identical smiles across their faces. Naruto never even noticed Sakura-chan give both of them suspicious glances throughout the day.

Even when Iruka-sensei forced him to clean up the Hokage monument, he did so without complaint, actually humming- humming, to Iruka's disbelief- truly, nothing could spoil the day for him.

But the clincher had come when Iruka-sensei offered treat Naruto to Ichiraku ramen after the cleanup.

Naruto refused.

Hokage Monument, Konohagakure: Umino Iruka

Iruka stared at the happy blond prankster with his mouth agape.

Naruto had willingly refused ramen.

Iruka couldn't wrap his head around it. Something was clearly not adding up, and Iruka's curiosity was piqued.

Once Naruto had finished cleaning up the Hokage monument, Iruka asked him what the matter was. He was shocked at the answer he received.

"I'm going on a date 'ttebayo!"

Iruka really should have been used to being surprised around Naruto. Feeling slightly unbalanced, he asked, "Oh? Sakura finally accepted?"

Naruto turned pink as he mumbled out, "It's not with Sakura-chan."

And then Iruka grinned, figuring out the matter. "Ah, so Hinata finally asked you then?"

Naruto nodded, before looking up at him in surprise. "Wait, how did you know it was Hinata?"

Iruka gave his favourite student a smile, one that the blond had unknowingly been receiving from all the adults in his life with embarrassing regularity until Kurenai had set him straight. "Never mind that… Do you know where you're taking her?"

"Yup! Kurenai-sensei suggested a place," Naruto replied with a grin.

Iruka nodded, appeased. "Do you know the etiquette to follow? What manners to observe?"

Naruto nodded enthusiastically, "Hehe… Hinata has been teaching me those for a while now… I never thought I would be using them with her…"

Iruka smiled. It looked like Naruto had things in hand. Still, better safe than sorry, "And do you know what you're wearing?"

Instantly, Naruto's calm shattered like cheap glass. He immediately started panicking, causing an amused Iruka to calm him down, an act which took nearly a quarter of an hour. Once Naruto was sufficiently pacified, Iruka took him shopping and bought him a simple white shirt and navy pants. Naruto tried to protest during the payment, but Iruka had whispered that it was a treat for his favourite student, and that he was not to tell anyone else of this fact. Naruto's previous good mood was immediately restored, and after some last minute advice, "remember to get home on time, you have your final exam tomorrow!" Naruto grinned and took off for his apartment.

Iruka decided to follow the prankster to make sure he made it all right. He wasn't stalking his favourite student, no way- this was completely different.

Naruto emerged from his apartment over half-an-hour later, ahead of schedule. He looked squeaky clean, and was definitely dressed to impress. He made his way to the marketplace, getting steadily pinker as he got closer to his destination.

Iruka spied Hinata long before Naruto did, she was wearing a dress the same shade as her hair, causing her pale features to stand out in the soft lights of the lanterns. Similar to Naruto, she had a rosy expression that stood out through the slight makeup dusting her cheeks.

The two of them met at the sidewalk, looking slightly awkward as they smiled at each other; neither of them knew what to say to the other. After a few moments, he saw Naruto take charge of the situation and led Hinata to the restaurant, behaving like the perfect gentleman. Iruka only stayed long enough to make sure that Naruto was not making a fool of himself, before leaving with a happy smile on his face.

As he left the market district he saw Kurenai and Anko enter, no doubt with similar intentions to himself; he sent a slightly sheepish smile their way, receiving the same from Kurenai, while Anko's smile was too wide to be called anything but creepy.

As he turned on the path down his own home, Iruka chuckled to himself as he saw yet another person headed to spy on Naruto and Hinata's date- it was the younger Hyūga sister, Hanabi. Smiling warmly, Iruka headed home after a surprisingly good day, even if he had spent half of it supervising the cleanup of the Hokage monument.

Neither he, nor Kurenai and Anko saw the expression of distaste on Hinata's sister. None of them saw her lip curl in disgust as she looked at her failure of a sister bring shame to the Hyūga clan by associating with a ruffian and a known pariah.

The Next Morning, Konoha Academy: Uzumaki Naruto

Naruto could be forgiven for thinking he was walking on air.

Such was his happiness at the successful date last night that he wasn't even nervous for his last shot at graduating. In any case, he had an ace up his sleeve. The morning was spent absently glancing at Hinata, each of them blushing whenever they caught sight of each other, remembering how Hinata had kissed Naruto on the cheek when he had gallantly dropped her home, before running back into the Hyūga compound as quickly as she could.

When Iruka-sensei sent for the young Uzumaki, Naruto had walked in with a confident grin. Upon being told to perform the Bunshin, Naruto pranking grin came out as he confidently put his hands into a cross-seal and called out, "Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

Understandably, both his instructors went slack-jawed at the sight of an Academy student casually performing a forbidden technique. While their minds were trying to compute the fact that Naruto could make solid clones, the prankster walked up to the table and selected one of the many shiny hitai-ate placed there, put it on. While he was leaving, Iruka-sensei broke out of his reverie first and asked him, "Naruto… How long have you been able to do the Kage Bunshin?"

Naruto's grin few even wider; he didn't mind his secret being found out now. "Long enough, Iruka-sensei," he said with his trademark mischievous grin, before walking out and screaming, "YATTA! I PASSED! WATCH OUT OLD MAN! I'M COMING FOR YOUR HAT!"

Mizuki and Iruka could only exchange stupefied glances at the sight.

Later That Evening, Konoha Marketplace: Uzumaki Naruto

"Naruto!"

Naruto turned around to see his now-former teacher. "Mizuki-sensei!"

The silver haired man grinned, "It's been you all along, hasn't it? All those pranks while you sat there, claiming innocence… You were using your Kage Bunshin with a henge, right?"

Naruto grinned, his hand rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. "Hehe… Yeah. But you don't need to worry about that anymore! Now that I'm a ninja, I'm going to drop the pranks and work hard until I'm the Hokage dattebayo!"

Mizuki raised an eyebrow at that, "Is that so? Huh… I guess I was mistaken…"

Naruto's curiosity was piqued. "Huh? What do you mean sensei?"

Mizuki made a show of looking around, before whispering down to the gullible almost-12 year old. "Not here, follow me."

Once they were on the Konoha rooftops, Mizuki turned to Naruto with a grin. "Well, the thing is, technically, you only become a ninja tomorrow. So you're free to prank today, and I have just the thing in mind."

Naruto looked suspiciously towards his sensei. "Are you telling me to prank someone? But you've been saying the opposite for years!"

Mizuki shrugged, a sheepish smile coming across his face. "Well, when we realized that you've been using the Kage Bunshin to prank everyone for months, Iruka-sensei was fuming. On the other hand, I was impressed with you, Naruto. You successfully hid your skills and managed to cause chaos: you will be brilliant at infiltration missions in the future, I can already tell."

Naruto swelled at the praise, his earlier suspicions forgotten. "Hehe… thanks sensei!"

Mizuki smiled at Naruto, ruffling his hair. "So, I thought that your final grade should be changed to reflect your true skills. As a bonus, if you do well," Mizuki leaned down, and Naruto leaned closer, his eyes wide as he gobbled up everything his instructor was telling him, "you could even become Rookie of the Year."

Naruto drew in a sharp breath, and Mizuki knew he had the demon bastard right where he wanted him. Naruto's mutual dislike of Sasuke was well documented, and using that rivalry to further his own agenda was a logical move for Mizuki.

With a deceptive grin, Mizuki asked the blond the question that was not really a question, "So, Naruto, are you ready to play the last prank of your Academy days?"

A grinning Naruto couldn't nod his agreement fast enough.

Later That Night, Hokage Tower: Sarutobi Hiruzen

Despite being warned nearly two years in advance, the Sandaime Hokage was ashamed to admit that he completely fell for Naruto's ridiculous 'Sexy Technique'. It was strangely enticing, and matters weren't helped by the fact that Sarutobi hadn't gotten any since his wife had passed away on the night of Naruto's birth, 12 years ago.

Sarutobi seriously considered adding that absurdly effective technique to the Forbidden Scroll that was currently being carted around by Naruto.

Once Sarutobi had called the alarm and sent his forces looking for the blond, he set about observing the young Uzumaki through the crystal ball that had been gifted to Konoha by Naruto's ancestors.

It didn't take Naruto long to come to a clearing. As he rolled open the scroll, Sarutobi wondered how matters would change due to the boy already knowing the Kage Bunshin.

It didn't take Sarutobi long to find out.

Once Naruto had opened the scroll to find the first technique, the Mass Shadow Clone, he visibly groaned. Once Naruto had skimmed through the description of the technique, he groaned again. Sarutobi lip-read, 'I already know this dattebayo!'

An ordinary person would have gone on to the next technique and tried to learn that.

But Uzumaki Naruto wasn't an ordinary person.

Instead of going ahead, Naruto went back. He started to read the description and the warnings put in place by Senju Hashirama, the Shodaime Hokage and the creator of the Forbidden Scroll. 'This scroll is highly dangerous, containing techniques that can defeat Kage-level shinobi, however…'

It was at this point that Naruto stopped reading, before he could get to the warnings about death and dismemberment for the users. Sarutobi suddenly felt a horrible fear clutching his heart.

The fear was multiplied a hundredfold when Naruto grinned mischievously. Some of those techniques could cost Naruto his soul if he used them without reading the relevant warnings.

Sarutobi was on the verge of running to Naruto's location- timeline be damned- when he saw the blond roll open the scroll all the way to the end.

And instead of reading, Naruto started writing.

Sarutobi stared incredulously.

Just… What?

A few minutes later, he realized what Naruto was doing, and starting twitching uncontrollably.

Naruto was adding in the description of his Oiroke no Jutsu (Sexy Technique). Sarutobi had been considering doing the same, but he wasn't serious damn it!

If that wasn't bad enough, he was putting in a postscript at the end.

This technique was used to successfully defeat the Sandaime Hokage by The Awesome Uzumaki Naruto, Future Hokage.

Sarutobi now wanted to rush over to Naruto's location- timeline be damned- for a different reason entirely.

He was going to throttle the blond!

At The Same Time, Forest Clearing: Uzumaki Naruto

Naruto sneezed as he finished his awesome addition to the Forbidden Scroll. He took a final look at his handiwork and snickered, completely unaware that he was being observed by the old man he had just insulted.

Naruto stretched, his back popping, as he had been hunched over the entire time. Surely after seeing how he had defeated the Hokage, even Iruka-sensei would be forced to admit that he deserved being the Rookie of the Year. But still, Mizuki-sensei was nearly as awesome as Iruka-sensei for giving Naruto this opportunity.

Naruto would be cursing that traitor's name by the end of the night.

Just as Naruto rolled up the scroll, Mizuki strolled into the clearing. "Mizuki-sensei!" Naruto cried out happily, waving to his Academy Instructor. "I defeated old man Hokage and took the scroll 'ttebayo!"

"Is that so?" Mizuki asked with a sinister smile, walking towards Naruto.

"Yup! I took him out with the Oir-"

It was only because of Scary Snake Lady's ambushes that Naruto survived Mizuki's attack; but not without cost. Mizuki's kunai, which had been aimed to drive through Naruto's eye and into his brain, instead slashed through his temple, slicing through the cloth of his brand new forehead protector. As Naruto flipped back, blood suddenly pouring through the gash in his head, his forehead protector fell to the ground where he had been standing a moment ago, next to Mizuki.

Naruto cried out, holding one hand to his bleeding forehead, and clutching the Forbidden Scroll with the other. Suddenly terrified, he said, "Mi-Mizuki-sensei?"

Mizuki sneered, kicking Naruto's fallen forehead protector with as much contempt as he could fit into the gesture. "I swear, they give these things to just anyone these days," ignoring the fact that Mizuki himself had given it to Naruto.

Naruto was genuinely afraid for his life at this point, he had never seen this much hatred directed towards him. "What… What d-do you mean?"

Mizuki grinned maliciously, "Oh, that's right, you don't know, do you? You don't deserve this forehead protector… Because you aren't even human!"

And then he proceeded to rip Naruto's life apart right before his very eyes. He told Naruto how the blond was nothing but a demon, the very Nine Tailed Demon Fox that the Yondaime Hokage had died to protect the village from, how Iruka hated Naruto for killing his parents, how everyone above a certain age knew that Naruto was a demon, and relished in the way the blond broke.

Had Mizuki simply taken the scroll and walked away… He would still have been caught by ANBU, because they had been told to wait for the traitor outside the forest. But he didn't know that.

It was only now, once Naruto was at his absolute lowest, that Mizuki smirked evilly and unleashed the Fūma shuriken at his back. Naruto was in a different world, his eyes wide and unfocused as he everything about his fucked-up life finally made a horrible amount of sense. Mizuki savoured every moment, as he slowly opened the blades and took careful aim before he let the shuriken fly.

It made the satisfying sound of contact with human flesh, but the flesh didn't belong to Naruto.

"Oh, it's you," Mizuki sneered, as he saw his erstwhile colleague protecting the demon with his body.

"Don't listen to him, Naruto!" Iruka-sensei choked out, his eyes mired with a mixture of pain and earnestness, as the Fūma shuriken protruded from his back. "You're not some monster, you're Uzumaki Naruto, Genin of Konoha, a prankster like me in my youth, and my favourite student!"

Tears started pouring from Naruto's eyes, and another voice made itself known from a branch above them, the reason why Iruka had been delayed as he frantically searched for Naruto. "The wimpy teacher is right, munchkin. You're an annoying brat, but you ain't a demon."

Mizuki sneered hatefully at the new addition to the group. "Well well, if it isn't Orochimaru-sama's reject. I should have expected trash like you to gang up with the demon brat. You're both pathetic," he spat.

"Brave words coming from the lickspittle who worships that traitor," Anko said cuttingly; but by the way her hand reflexively went up to her neck, it was clear that Mizuki's words had hit home.

In another time, in another life, Naruto would have been overwhelmed by his emotions at the revelation of a demon fox being sealed in his gut. But here, he had not been neglected by everyone. Here, he had people who loved him, who took care of him.

Here, Uzumaki Naruto had people who came running to save him the moment they knew he was in trouble.

The moment he had heard the earnestness in Iruka-sensei's voice, and the conviction in Anko's, Naruto knew that they had known about the Kyūbi all along. And they cared for him anyway.

A burning feeling suddenly started coursing through his veins. Filled with a sudden conviction, he moved protectively ahead of the sensei who had saved him with his own body. "Shut up! You don't get to hurt Iruka-sensei anymore! You don't get to say shit about Scary Snake Lady anymore! So shut up… Or I'll kill you!" Naruto growled out at the end, the whisker marks on his face deepening as his blue eyes flashed with hatred for the traitor in front of him. Combined with the blood pouring from the side of his face, Naruto looked quite dangerous in that moment.

Anko raised an eyebrow at the little squirt. She could take out the Chūnin traitor no problem, but she had never heard that tone coming from the blond before. She quietly signalled the summoned snake sneaking up behind Mizuki not to attack just yet; she wanted to see how this played out.

Mizuki scoffed at the bravado being showed by the demon brat. "And just how do you think you can do that? You couldn't even avoid my attacks a minute ago!"

That was enough to set off an outraged Naruto.

The burning feeling inside Naruto reached a crescendo, as his chakra started visibly swirling around him. He was filled with a purity of purpose, one that demanded that he make the traitor in front of him pay.

The feeling didn't have a name yet, it wouldn't get its name until Naruto met Haku in Wave in a couple of months, but Naruto understood the sentiment well enough.

Protect his precious people.

And to protect his precious people, Naruto would summon a goddamn army.

His chakra suddenly coalesced all over the clearing the moment his hands snapped into the cross seal for what was henceforth Naruto's signature technique, as he roared out:

"Tajū Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

Author's Notes: What's this? A new chapter? So soon? Gasp!

Dammit, I wanted to release this chapter on the 20th because my story is officially a year old, and I wanted to celebrate it's birthday with the 25th edition of Pain, Hunger and Betrayal. I thought it would be a 6-8k chapter, but instead, it grew...and grew... and grew... until... you guys got this!

So here's a treat for all you! I hope you enjoyed it :)

I'll be putting up a poll about the names of the twin chakrams, but I think that I've already decided on one of them. After extensive research (i.e. skimming the Wikipedia article, hehe) I discovered that the word 'Kamikaze' was actually a mistranslation; apparently the original word was 'Shinpū'. That will most likely be the name of one of the chakrams. The other one is still up for debate. Let me know your suggestions via Review or PM, and I will put them up in a poll sometime today/tomorrow.

And now, after 25 chapters, averaging almost 10k words per chapter, we're FINALLY at the start of canon! Let's see where this crazy ride takes us!

It's been a good weekend. Full time: Arsenal 3 - 0 Conte's cunts :D

As always, if you wish to donate, please check out my Pat reon crowdfunding campaign, under Tyrannitor.

Happy birthday to my story, and Praise The Log!