Chapter 24 pt. II
A/N:
Ah this is second to last update! Here's where that cheesiness warning in my profile finally comes to fruition :)
Oh and the song Rachel hears is Brandi Carlile's 'Cannonball' (notice the parallels of the song names Finn and Rachel each listen to before their individual epiphanies :P).
...
(moments later).
Rachel sat in the large waiting room of the imposing office building and stared out into the cloudy sky.
She was meeting with one of Baz Luhrmann's assistants and the music producer of Funny Girl to collect her official schedule and go over the song arrangements.
Her head was still scrambling with the conversation she had had with Bob on the airplane. For the past few hours she had been engrossed in a mental debate with herself. She was in Los Angeles. Finn was in Los Angeles. Should she go see him?
She didn't even know what she'd say if she did. 'Hey, just ignore everything I've been saying since our reunion, I actually still love you and always have and now I want to be with you, hope that's okay'. It sounded so blase and unfair to the point of cruelty, like his emotions were something to be toyed with. She had seen first hand how drastically they had each reacted to the other's departure, and it hadn't been pretty.
She jumped a little as the door opened suddenly, and a young professional looking woman with a short blonde haircut walked in.
"Hi! I'm Michelle, we spoke on the phone?"
Rachel got up and smiled, and put her arm out to shake hands with the taller woman.
Michelle immediately began some small talk while organizing folders and papers out on the big conference table in the middle of the room.
They went over the documents quickly, and soon they were waiting for Jake, the music producer together.
"So," Michelle began in a friendly fashion, "I don't know if it's my place, but I'm very curious.. How did you get Finn Hudson to pull all those strings for you to get this part?"
Rachel whitened and bore into the assistant's stare.
"What?"
The woman looked confused, "Wait, didn't you know? Baz had no idea who you were until he asked Finn to come in and audition for the Nicky Arnstein part, and then the boy randomly decided to send Baz all that stuff from your resume instead and op out of the audition offer.."
Rachel felt her stomach drop three miles and twist uncomfortably. Michelle stared at her uncertainly, not sure what to say, unaware that she had just blown a big secret.
"I mean," Michelle continued, trying to save face, "I just thought because you two were friends from shooting Wicked or something that you might have gotten a third party to wheedle your way into the audition process. Not that you don't deserve it, because damn, I've seen some of those tapes and you're an incredible singer and perfect for this role.. it's just surprising that they cast a virtual unknown."
"No.." Rachel responded quietly, her soft, even voice contrasting every erratically jumping nerve inside her, "I had no idea he did that."
"Oh well.." Michelle looked around the room awkwardly, "I still can't believe he's quitting the acting industry."
She had obviously just become aware that she had made an error and was trying to cover it up by changing the subject.
If it was possible, even more color drained from Rachel's face.
"I didn't know that either," she finally responded, "Did he give a reason for doing that?"
"Well," Michelle started (gossiping was obviously her element), "Apparently he's going off somewhere to write an album."
Rachel suddenly felt sick as her body began giving her the telltale warnings that she was on the verge of tears.
"Is he gone?" she asked, her voice cracking, "I mean, is he already in Ohio?"
"Honey, you'd know better than me. I wish I was on speaking terms with that tall drink of water.."
"I have to go," Rachel said suddenly, grabbing her purse and hurrying towards the exit.
"But what about going over the music? Jake should be here any second.."
"Have him email me the cliffnotes!" Rachel shouted over her shoulder, "Sorry but I don't feel well. Bad airplane food.."
Her head was spinning as she rushed to the elevator, pressing the 'down' button incessantly trying to get it to arrive quicker.
What was she doing? Was she really going to barge back into Finn's life and run into his arms because of an old man's advice and his anonymous act of kindness? Would he even accept her after all she had put him through?
From what she had just heard, Finn seemed to finally be moving on, finding a 'new direction' to follow and paint a new pathway with. Would it be selfish to parade back into his life and expect him to drop everything for her, just because she had changed her mind?
For the first time, she thought she understood exactly what had been going through Finn's head that summer after graduation. She didn't know what to do because she couldn't decide what was best for Finn.
She made it to her rental car in record speed, and proceeded to slam the engine on and speed out of the parking lot. She didn't know where she was going. But she had to drive, she had to move, she had to figure out what the hell was going on.
A light Spring rain started drizzling over the city.
What a warm welcome. Of course it would start to rain in the sunshine city upon my arrival.
Pushing the power button on her car radio, she flipped through the stations quickly, turning to music to try to find a sign of some sort. She didn't know what she wanted. Don't Stop Believin'? Open Your Heart? Faithfully?
She finally stopped at the sound of a mellow guitar melody.
I was born when I met you
Now I'm dying to forget you
And that is what I know
Though I dreamed I would fall
Like a wounded cannonball
Sinking down with my heart in tow
She didn't recognize the song but the woman's unique voice aptly evoked the feeling of heartache. Rachel didn't change the station, it felt appropriate.
Someone told me a lie
Someone looked me in the eye
And said time will ease your pain
But behold, when you fall
It's that same old cannonball
Coming back for your heart again
If Rachel had been looking for a sign, then this was not a positive one. If anything, it was poetically phrasing all of the painful repercussions of 'love' she herself had been reminding herself of every day for the last 5 years of her life.
Bright lights like white lightning
Who shot me down
Who will cut me down
I'm frozen in my bed till the day comes around
And it may come around
Until the day comes around
How I'm lost
How I'm found
I was born when I met you
Now I'm dying to forget you
And that is what I know
And then it shattered through her like a bolt of that white lightning that woman was going on about. Only it was a revelation, not an electrocuting shot of disaster. Everything just clicked in place and suddenly it all made sense.
She didn't want to be that girl anymore. That tormented piece of nothingness.
She was the only thing preventing herself from being genuinely happy.
It was like she was seeing clearly for the first time in her life. She realized it wasn't self-demeaning or weak to love someone more than you loved yourself, it was just beautiful and special and wonderful.. in a spectacular, comic galactic mystery type of way. It awed and scared you the way looking at a shower of shooting stars would. Love was inexplicable, that was the beauty of it. It transcended everything else with it's magnificence, and it couldn't be explained or fully understood, especially when it existed on that intense magnitude that hers and Finn's did. It was the single most true and honest and real and powerful thing a person could ever experience.
She didn't even care that she would be making herself vulnerable by running back to Finn. And she no longer thought it'd be abominably selfish to throw herself at him out of nowhere, because how could anything be wrong when they were together?
She would trade a thousand years without him for a single minute with him. Because Finn, and their love, was all that really mattered. Even if it was doomed, she had to spend every precious second she had with him while she could. And she had been downright idiotic to ignore this glaring truth.
She needed Finn because she was only real and happy and fully herself when she was with him. That fact didn't cheapen her character, but in fact strengthened it. Love was really the only thing worth living for, and without it, the fulfillment of her dreams, her accomplishments, life itself, meant nothing.
Her hands trembled as she quickly dialed Kurt's phone number.
"Long time no talk! What can I do for you?"
"I need Finn's address, stat," she practically yelled, pulling off to the side of the road.
"Ummm, if you're asking about the address of his accommodations in LA, I don't think that number is still relevant."
"Why not?" she shrieked through the phone.
"The last I talked to him he had just returned the lease to the place, and he was going on and on about embarking on some creative journey of self-discovery or something. He's probably already left."
Rachel's stomach churned unpleasantly.
"But he might still be there, I don't know, I'll text you the directions."
"Okay," her voice cracked, "Thanks."
He had to still be here. She had felt it walking out of the airport. He was here, she knew it. She just had to find him.
...
(20 minutes later).
Finn lie on the grass in his little walled backyard and let the rain wash over him. He was wearing nothing but a white t-shirt and boxer shorts, which were both on their way towards becoming thoroughly soaked through. His eyes were closed as he tried to concentrate on the pitter patter of the rain drops splashing against him, and the light hammering noise they made as they crashed to the ground. It was almost as if the rain was metaphorically cleansing him, like a baptism or something.
When it had started raining, he had taken it as a symbolic gesture of goodbye from LA. The light drizzle had always been his favorite type of weather, and so he had met it with rapture. Choosing to lay down in his small backyard area and let the rain pour over him as he meditated on his unforeseeable future.
He opened his eyes suddenly as a loud, slow knock reached his ears from inside his condo.
Sitting up quickly, he ran his hands through his hair to get the water out and looked at the double french doors.
He felt sure he was staring at an apparition as he looked at Rachel Berry's hazy form through the glass.
He got up slowly, scared that moving too quickly would splinter the mirage. And for a moment, they just stood there, staring at each other through the rain and the glass, the drops crashing all around him.
She made the first move. Opening the door slowly, she took a step outside into the rain.
And then he noticed that her eyes were leaking. Tears. He raced to her quicker than he thought possible and wrapped his arms around her in a humongous bear hug, getting her even more wet in the process, and confirming to himself that she was really there.
"What's wrong?" he asked, rubbing her back comfortingly, his voice loud so she could hear him over the sound of the rain.
"I thought you were gone.." she hiccuped into his chest, "I knocked and no one answered so I walked through the door because it was unlocked and when I came in the place was empty.." she wiped more tears off (ineffectively) on his drenched t-shirt and looked up at him, "I thought I was too late," she whispered.
He held onto her tightly, his arms locked together behind her back, and looked at her intently.
"Too late for what?"
She took a shaky breath.
"For us."
He cupped her face with his hand and gently moved the pad of his thumb across her cheek- searching her deep, bottomless brown eyes.
It was too much, and in a split second he was leaning down and kissing her with everything he had. He felt her hands thread through his wet hair, bringing his face down even lower, and the contact made him moan a little into her mouth. Her fingers ran along the nape of his neck, and thrilled him with this electric energy, igniting every pore in his body. He pressed the small of her back urgently into him, he couldn't get close enough. Her tongue ushered him in, and he savored the familiar taste of her mouth, it was a warm haven amidst the chill of his rain splattered body.
"Oh Finn!" She cried, breaking the kiss and wrapping her arms around his chest tightly to embrace him again, "I can't fight it anymore. It hurts too much and I love you too much. I can't live like this, knowing you're out there and knowing I can feel the way I do when I'm with you. I don't care if you destroy me again, I'm going to spend every possible moment with you as I can. Because a minute with you is worth more than a lifetime without you."
He brought her face out from under him and looked at her. He knew he'd never be able to get enough of her face.
"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" he asked, his voice lower than a whisper.
Their faces were mere inches apart. How long had he day dreamed about this moment? Was this really happening?
"Yes," she nodded, "I love you. But you already knew that."
He leaned his forehead against hers in disbelief.
"And in case you didn't know," he finally managed, his hot breath brushing her face, "I love you too."
Before he could pick her up bride style and bring her inside, hot tears were streaming down her face again as she continued.
"I was so stupid!" she cried into his shoulder, "You shouldn't be able to forgive me for everything I've done, everything I've put us through. But you've always been so good-"
He hushed her.
"Rachel don't say that, I'm the one who should be apologizing, for digging us into this dark hole to begin with-"
"No, no," she shook her passionately and put a hand against his mouth, "I want to explain. I have to explain."
He nodded slowly, and listened to her intently, boring deep into her huge, sad eyes, as if every fiber of his being depended on her words.
"When I'm with you," she began, taking a deep breath to steady her words, "I feel like I'm this small pebble on top of the tallest mountain in the world. And you, you're like this unstoppable force, a gust of wind, that sends me tumbling down the mountain, obliterating the small semblance of control I have over my delicate existence. And that frightened me. So much. Because I wasn't used to losing the power over my self-will like that. But what I realized was, the exhilaration and insurmountable emotion I felt from the ride, was so so worth the crash, however much it might hurt. So I'm not afraid of the wind anymore, because the wind is what makes me alive, and differentiates me from all the other still, purposeless rocks."
Finn ran his hand along her damp hair and held the back of her head to stare at her even more deeply. The way they were looking at each other- it was like their bodies couldn't even contain them, because they were seeing so much more, seeing all of one another.
"Rachel I will never ever hurt you. I'll be the wind that takes you on the ride only to fly you back to the top whenever we get too close to the bottom. You're my everything. You're the one. And this time, I'm never ever letting you go..."
She hugged him again with ferocity, burying her face in his shirt.
"No seriously Rach," he muttered into her ear, "I'm taking you with me to the grave. Which sucks for us if I die before you and I have to resort to haunting you in the earthly world and..."
She gave a muffled laughed into his dripping t-shirt and wiped the last of her tears off her face. Lifting her head from his warm chest she put her palms on both of his cheeks gently. Looking deep into his eyes, she stopped him mid-sentence.
"Just kiss me already."
He gladly accepted the order.