Disclaimer – I do not own BMT world, it belongs to Trudi Canavan
Resolution
Akkarin had watched Sonea surreptitiously throughout their evening meal. On the surface, she was her usual self, making small talk with Takan, encouraging Justen to finish his meat and casting a frequent smile in his directions as she chattered about a whole range of things. But deep down, he could tell, she was filled with uncertainty. She had become quite skilled at hiding her thoughts from him, but when her emotions were in turmoil, some clues as to what she was thinking escaped despite her best efforts to conceal them, and he could read them clearly. This was such a time.
My conversation earlier today certainly touched a nerve. It was obvious to him that Sonea also believed there was some sort of link between herself, Justen, the Other and Ichani magic. The way she had distracted him from following up on his theory proved that. But what was it? He had not been taken in at all by Sonea's skilful change of subject, but he had decided to let things run their natural course for the moment. It gave him more time to think.
He should have realised a long time ago, that there was something not quite right with Sonea's magic. For a start, there was the strange case of Kariko's injuries which wouldn't heal. Sonea had hit him hard during their personal struggle, but he should have recovered over time, despite not having a Healing skill, but the running sores all over his body were evidence that he had not, in fact they seemed to be getting worse. Neither could the young apprentice with him help even though there was evidence that he had tried many different things to try to alleviate the injuries. Why?
Sonea was unusually powerful, more so than all of her contemporaries at the Guild. He had simply accepted that fact and had assumed that there may be others with similar gifts among the general population, but who were never tested, not being from the Houses. But what if Sonea was very different from a Kyralian magician?What if she had other magic as well?
That gave him much food for thought. He had made a particular study of foreign forms of magic whilst still a novice. He knew something about the witches of Elyne with their moon magic. He had also investigated the so-called hedge witches, mainly village women, who used herbs and plants to make spells and potions. However, he could find no traces of these types of magic skills in Sonea's abilities.
Of course, his major study had been the Ichani, the reason for his unfortunate visit to them after his graduation. He had not been aware of any Ichani influences in Sonea's practices, but he began to wonder if there was something about their magic which had escaped his notice. He could not ignore the many aspects of their current situation which pointed towards an Ichani connection, but how had that come about?
Not for the first time, he regretted not paying much attention to his Healing lessons. He had his eyes set on being a Warrior, so beyond absorbing the necessary skills to deal with wounds and injuries associated with his own future Discipline, he had not bothered. He had particularly ignored Healing to do with pregnancy and babies, they were nothing at all to do with his future life as he saw it. But now, he needed to know exactly what occurred in a magician who was pregnant. He wasn't even sure exactly how long a pregnancy took.
He cast his mind back to when he first knew about Sonea and the baby. They had been living in the mountains for some time, so it was possible she had allowed herself to start the process after they had arrived.No! He remembered her saying that Lorlen had told her of it, and that must have been when they were in Imardin. But how long had she been pregnant when Lorlen discovered it?The whole episode surrounding the baby, Lorlen's knowledge of it and Sonea's concealment of her pregnancy had been very painful for both of them, so it was never discussed. He could not think of a way of broaching the subject so many years later, without reopening new wounds. No, I have to find another way.
The meal over and cleared away, he sat by the fire, sipping wine and making small talk with Sonea, but only with half his mind engaged, the other half was concentrating on trying to make sense of Sonea's pregnancy and the changes it may have introduced but he made little progress, everything stalling against his own lack of knowledge of precisely what happened. He doubted, too, if any of the texts they had collected over the years included any details either. After all, pregnancy was women's work, and no male magician who was not a Healer was expected to have any involvement in or knowledge about the subject.
That thought led him on to the rather surprising idea that the Guild itself was instrumental in dividing the sexes when it came to magic. The majority of Healers were women, the overwhelming majority of Warriors, and to a slightly lesser extent, Alchemists, were also men. As High Lord, he had tried to encourage more women to become Warriors, but had been covertly opposed by the higher magicians in that Discipline, although Balkan had said he was in favour. There had never been a High Lady, nor a female Administrator in the entire history of the Guild. Perhaps we are not so different to the Ichani after all, just better at hiding the fact that female magicians have a perceived role to fill and outside of that, it is very difficult for them to follow a different route.
His thoughts returned to Sonea. He had been delighted when she had embraced black magic, taking to it, if not with complete ease, at least without any real problems. It was almost as if her magic skills were already open to the processes of black magic. At this point, he paused. Was that really so strange? After all, Kyralians had practised a form of black magic for very many years until the decision had been taken to rid the Guild of it. It must have been Sonea's strength as a magician which enabled her to grasp black magic skills so easily. There could be no other reason, could there?
He thought of his own eager adoption of black magic, but that had been different. He had taken the step because there was no other way out of his wretched situation. He had to defeat and kill the Ichani who held him captive and milked him of his magic, he could only do that if he, too, used the same powerful magic. Sonea, on the other hand, had been enthusiastic about learning everything quickly and there was no doubt that she was a quick learner. That brought him back to his earlier thought that perhaps there was a reason for that.
It seemed to him that a particular set of circumstances had come into existence at just the right time to create the Other - Sonea, the Ichani, black magic and pregnancy. She was pregnant when she fought against Kariko!Yes, that was the answer.Akkarin smiled wryly to himself. All the trouble he had gone to, all the coin he had paid, all the books he had acquired over the years were absolutely no help to him at all. It seemed the answer to their problems with Justen lay within themselves, Sonea in particular.
He glanced over at her. She was staring into the fire, her chatter silent for the moment. Her profile was thrown into strong relief by the light from the flames. He knew every element of her face, her slightly slanting deep black eyes, her straight nose and softly curving mouth, her unruly curls, now tamed by the style she had copied from him, the whole blended into a face which fascinated him.
Such an expressive face. Until she learned to prevent it, her face clearly showed her deepest feelings and even now, he could think of many expressions which crossed her features in a day; laughter, pride, worry, anger, concern, passion. All of these and more, but there was one expression which he had never seen on her face – resignation. If Sonea was in a difficult situation, she would work hard, try anything, to escape from it. So unlike his Beloved. Resignation was her constant expression. Even when he had pleaded with her to run away with him and escape the misery of her life, she refused, too afraid to take the chance, too resigned to her fate to fight it.
Her sweet face floated into his mind and he saw once again her gentle smile, the attractive powdering of freckles, the long brown hair, the slender body and, for the first time in his life, he felt like taking her by the shoulders and shaking her, grabbing her arm, pulling her away, anything to wipe out the resignation in her eyes, as she listened to his grand plans, slowly shaking her head as he spoke.
Sonea would never have done that!
He tried to imagine what his life would have been like if he had succeeded in saving her. How would she have coped with life in the Guild? No magician, and empty of any trace of magic, she could not have helped him in the way Sonea had done. Perhaps I would have failed and the Ichani would not have been stopped.Perhaps it was better that she did not live.
He stopped thinking, horrified at where his logic had taken him. He had never before, in all the years he had lived without her, considered that her death had solved many potential problems. With her at his side, his life would have been so different. Different, but not necessarily better. Chances were that he would never have taken Sonea as an ally in his fight with the Ichani. That may have meant he could not have single-handedly fought them and won.
But it would have changed more than that. His logical mind refused to allow him to escape. He would never have developed feelings for Sonea. Never experienced the passion of their relationship over the years with its ebbs and flows bringing opportunities for renewal. Never known life with a Companion who shared so much and took pleasure in their life together.
It struck him then that he loved Sonea deeply; that his adolescent infatuation for his Beloved was simply that, a devotion that would have run its course in normal circumstances.If she hadn't died, would my love for her died instead?His logic demanded he acknowledge the fact that inevitably, his feelings for her would have died, like those of so many young men before him. He would have outgrown her, once free of the slavery that had reduced him. She would never have adjusted to life as a High Lord's Consort, but Sonea would have done, easily. How could I have been so blind?All the wasted years of refusing to see what was under his nose. Sonea was the one he loved, not the memory of a young girl, dead these many years. His Companion had been waiting for him to acknowledge his love and to tell her so, but in his pride and arrogance, he had failed to accept what was obvious.
As his thoughts reached this point, Akkarin was aware of a great sense of relief. He did not have to deny his feelings any longer. The image of his Beloved could be allowed to rest in peace, an important part of his life, but no longer the mainspring of it. His love would be for the living, not buried in the cairn he had piled over her body.
He turned to Sonea, ready to tell her, only to find she had slipped away, leaving him to his wine and his thoughts.