However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the "right" person, because he or she is the mirror of who you are inside.

- Deepak Chopra

**

When I had first arrived to LA, I didn't know anybody. I didn't know much about myself, either...

In fact, that only thing that I had known for sure was that I needed to get away from what I was brought up into. My mother's alcoholic tendencies and her abusive relationships...

It really was a last minute thing. One day, while lying in bed, I sat up and started to pack up my things. I emptied my bank account (something my mother and Dwayne, her husband at the time, didn't know about...) and left on a greyhound bus. No note, no goodbye, no nothing...

When I got to LA, I rented a motel room for a few nights. My first week there, I had decided to go out and see what there was to do. I thought that I could've done some searching; maybe find a job, before I let the roaches from the motel keep me company.

I went down to a small bar on Hollywood Boulevard, granted it wasn't the best place and I wasn't over 21 or anything but I knew I could pass for it and see if there was some way I could start small by waitressing or whatever.

When I walked in, the place had been practically empty. There were 2 people in the corner section of the bar, laughing together and joking. I noticed the guy instantly. He was just beautiful to me; he had dark brown hair that fell lightly over his forehead and big blue eyes. I'd thought at that moment that I had been in love. The girl he was with was another story. She was tall and thin. Dark brown hair framed her very pretty face; her dark black eyeliner had almost made her blue eyes look hauntingly pretty.

I guess they noticed me throwing stares their way because after a few minutes, the girl approached me.

"Hey," she offered a smile. "I'm Jordan."

"Amber," I told her, immediately feeling intimidated.

"You new to town or something?" Jordan asked, cocking her head to the side.

"Yeah," I admitted, wondering if I had really seemed that obvious.

"Oh," she said. "That's cool."

I looked past her for a moment and looked at the guy again.

A smile appeared on her red lips. "That's Jason over there. C'mon, I'll introduce ya."

I don't know why I went with her. I mean, what kind of person is that forward in the first place? What kind of person just walks up to a stranger and introduces them, offering to take 'em around town for a bit? Jordan was.

So I met Jason and I was immediately taken back by him. He had this coolness about him that was hard to define. He was just so relaxed; almost like nothing ever got to him.

We kind of hit it off and the next thing I knew, I was hanging out with Jason and Jordan and their set of friends almost every night. I didn't quite find a job then but I didn't care...

I was in a place where I was actually enjoying life. Enjoying what I had to offer.

Then one day, out of nowhere, Jordan handed me a flier.

"A party?" I asked, frowning.

I didn't dig parties too much. They were always crammed with under aged teens whose hormones were out of control.

"C'mon. It won't be so bad," Jordan said. "Ya gotta go, A."

'A' was a nickname Jordan had started using when she was being so coaxing. You could read a lot off of Jordan by the way she spoke. You could tell that if she used your full name, she wasn't really happy at that moment.

"I...I…" I started, trying to object.

"Jason's going to be there." she said, raising her eyebrows.

I never told her that I had a small thing for Jason. I didn't even know if I had a small crush on him but Jordan seemed to think that I did, and the thought of Jason being there suddenly the whole party thing didn't sound as bad as I thought it'd be...

I mean, if they were going, it would have to be cool, right?

"Fine..." I sighed. "Count me in."

Jordan squealed and threw her arms around me. "You rock, A!"

**

The party ended up being at some trashy house on the bad side of town. It was so packed, bodies were practically pressed against each other; the atmosphere smelled like alcohol and sweat.

Immediately, I started to feel the need for air, so I managed to slip through a few people, before someone grabbed my hand.

I looked behind me and found Jason standing there, smiling.

"Lost?" he asked.

I nodded sheepishly, following him as he led me to an open corner.

"Having fun?" he asked.

I nodded and smiled. "No."

And he laughed. It was a beautiful thing, hearing him laugh. He didn't do it much. "You can hang with me tonight." He said, his blue eyes twinkling.

"Alright," I said softly, knowing he couldn't hear me over the loud music.

He took my hand and pulled me towards the garage. I really didn't know what he was planning on doing. I liked him, a lot, but that didn't stop the fear that was creeping up inside of my stomach.

I felt relieved when we got to the garage, there were about six other people there already, all sitting on the worn down couches that were in there. One of the people already there was Jordan.

I let go of Jason's hand and knelt down next to Jordan.

"Hey," I said. "What's up?"

She looked at me and blinked, as if she had to register who I was.

"A!" She grinned with delight. "What's going on?"

I shook my head and looked at the table in front of them. I saw exactly why Jordan had been so out of it. She had a pipe in her hand.

"Um," I looked back at Jordan. "What's all of this?"

"Oh." Jordan grinned. "It's uh," she handed the pipe to Jason and turned back to me, "its stuff."

"Right." I said raising an eyebrow. "Stuff."

"It's not bad." Jordan said softly. "It really isn't. It'll liven you up."

"Sure." I laughed, uncomfortably. I felt like I was in a fucking after school special.

They passed the pipe around and it finally reached me. I looked down at it, disbelievingly and back at Jordan.

"C'mon, A..." She coaxed. "Just try it...experiment a little..."

I looked over at Jason and he looked back at me. It's hard to describe but there was something in his eyes, something that made my stomach jump a little. It was like he wanted me and I liked that. It made me feel good.

I reached over and took the pipe from Jordan, and pressed it to my lips. I felt the smoke ease down my throat and to my lungs, and then nothing but calm. It was like I had found a part of me that I didn't know about; something that was buried beneath all of the hostility and stress. A part of me that wasn't scarred.

I felt Jason's hand touch my shoulders as he massaged them a little, and I relaxed against his touch. I must've sat there for a few hours, feeling nothing but at ease.

The next thing I knew, I was outside with Jason, most likely in the backyard or something. The cold air beat against our skin as we clumsily undressed each other.

"You're beautiful to me," he whispered against my mouth.

And I'd felt beautiful at that time. I felt wanted.

That was the night I gained and lost everything at once. I gained the love I desperately needed, or so I thought. I lost some control, lost my choices.

I lost myself inside of Jason and I think he enjoyed enveloping every piece of me, no matter how broken.

I loved Jason. I really did. I loved the image of him that I had caused myself to see. I loved hearing the words that he had never really said. I loved pretending that I had something real with him.

And I think if I was asked why I ever loved Jason at all, I could only reply by simply answering: because it was him; because it was me.