FOLLOW YOUR ARROW
.
"I... can hold... my breath...
I... can bite... my tongue...
I can stay awake for days... if that's what you want...
Be your number one..."
Hidan sat back in the corner of his lone cell. At least he was granted that much kindness in the midst of this utter bullshit, not having to share a cell with another living human who would undouptedly either talk his ear off about how much of a badass they were or plead constantly with the guards that they were innocent... or hell, any other number of things. The people in this place were never consistant. He would know, he'd been one of them so many times...
He sat on the floor, with his back against the wall, hunched over with his head hiding in his lap, forehead resting on his crossed arms, propped up by the elbows which balanced on his knees, muttering in a sing-song voice for lack of any other way to distract himself from the terrible things those demons in his head kept whispering to him. There were benches he could sit on, windows he could look out, as this was just a holding cell they would keep him in until they figured out what to do with him. But he didn't want the benches, he didn't want the windows. Those were for people that still had self-respect, people who weren't drowning in a massive sea of self-hatred.
You've done it again. You messed up your last chance. There's no going back now.
You can't do anything right.
You're a screw-up. No matter what you do. A jinx, a plauge. Everything you do turns to shit.
Stop resisting. Just accept it.
Worthless. You're 've always been, you always will be.
He clenched his eyes shut harder, breath coming faster as he resisting this horrific burning in his chest, the burning of depression, loathing, an overwhelming desire to just give up and let it be. Why Fight? Why keep struggling? No matter what he did, or how far he came, the ladder always broke, and he ended up bleeding on the ground.
"I... can fake... a smile...
I... can fooorce a lauuugh...
I can dance, and play the part... If that's what you ask...
Giiive you all I am..."
What would he do now? How could it have come to this?
Again and again he tried to replay what had happened in his head. But it all seemed blurry, everything was fuzzy, as if his mind purposely wouldn't let him recall it. You don't need to see Hidan... You know what you did. You know this is your fault.
It... it wasn't fair. He had been so close. He felt like he was there, like he'd finally reached the top of that damn mountian, like the work was over, all he had was one last home-stretch, and the rest would be a downhill coast. It had been so bright, so clear, so easy. As if finally, things were how they should be, he was who he should be. He could leave his rocky past behind, put all that ugliness in storage in the deepest, darkest recesses of his mind...
It hadn't wanted to go without a fight. He hadn't even seen it coming. Those demons, they were clever, waiting there in the shadows, biding their time, using every ounce of the patience that he wasn't able to use until the door opened, until he let down his guard. Thinking it was all figured out, everything clicked into place, and the universe suddenly made sense. As he was basking the the glory of success, so confident that it was over and the darkness would never return, it struck... with all it's power.
And here he was again...
.
"...Can I help you?" The curly-haired brunette said, voice dripping icy venom. She stood with the door barely open, but open enough for him to read very easily her body language which stated with no amount of confusion that she hated him with every fiber of her being.
"Is.. uh.. Is Asuma home?" He said in a voice suddenly nervous, thinking maybe this hadn't been a good idea. He cleared his throat though, blinking hard and reminding himself that this new path he was taking was not the easy one. The easy path would only lead him back down to that barren valley he'd lived all his life. 'What would Kakuzu do?'
Right, Kakuzu would be responsible, and force himself to be respectful, maybe not exactly kind, or polite, but respectful.
"...He's not exactly feeling up to having visitors. Especially the likes of you." She spat after a heavy glare.
He grit his teeth. He had to do this, had to keep his composure. It's not about her, just let it go. Let her act how she wants, it's not about her. She doesn't matter... "I was hoping I could talk to him. I had a chat with Dr. Hoku, I thought I'd save everyone the trouble and give him the news myself, since I live so close."
"Yeah, I'm well aware of where you live." She said, not missing a single beat. Hidan inhaled deeply through his nose, and let it out so slowly that it almost appeared he was simply holding it in. She continued regarding him, as if waiting for him to lose his temper, to snap out some rude comment, any excuse to give her reason enough to slam the door in his face.
He didn't give her one, only stared back calmly. This was no problem, he'd put up a convicning act in front of Kakuzu for a whole... what? Five hours? He could do this. No sweat...
Finally she gave a dramatic sigh and rolled her eyes, stepping back and letting the door open. Asuma was sitting on a couch just behind her, looking somehow ten times worse despite it having only been a day. "You have a visitor Honey." She all but growled, whirling around and stomping off to another room as if Hidan had some contageous virus that might infect her if she stayed too long.
Asuma's foggy eyes flicked over to him, and he offered a weak apologetic smile. "Hey there..."
It took Hidan a moment to realize he was just standing there staring at this pitiful excuse for a human. It was outrageous how someone could look to be in perfect health one moment and then appear to be barely fighting off instant death the next.
Two weeks... It had only been two weeks...
"Hey..." He forced out, turning to give a small glance to Itachi, standing just a few feet off before continueing inside with a nod and smile of encouragement. Finally he stepped inside, and shut the door behind him.
.
"I can do it..." He muttered, hands clenching into fists, fighting to keep from clamping his jaws shut, to keep his body still despite this volcanic eruption of fury and desperation inside of him, driving him to get up and scream and kick and punch and claw and just generally attack anything and everything within reach.
"I can do iiiit..." He growled again, body physically shaking at the immense effort it took just to stay still. His skin felt nearly alive, as if his veins were writhing beneath it, searing him with molten blood coursing throughout, urging him to get up, release this tension, this wrath and relentles, nightmaric rage.
"I caaan dooo itttt..."
He couldn't, he couldn't do it. It hurt. It hurt too much. He'd never felt such overwhelming, intangible pain. His chest felt like it was going to explode. As if he was about to vomit, something rumbled deep within it, rolling up his body with increasing strength until he was no longer able to hold it in. He tried, oh how he tried, he drew his body so tightly into itself that there was no way this force could ever manage to escape. But it just hurt too bad, he couldn't keep it in, he couldn't swallow it down, and finally it came spurting out in the form of a violent sob, choked off for only a second until another wave rolled out right behind it.
His eyes blurred and stung, and his arms and legs abandoned his orders, falling limp beneath him as his body was wracked with sob after sob. To keep himself upright, he threw his head back, unable to even acknowledge the slice of pain that shot through his skull when it connected with the concrete wall behind him.
"But I'm only humaaan." He nearly whispered now, broken by the sobbing, the shallow, jerky breathes involunatirly bursting from his body.
"And I bleed when I fall down... I'm ooonly human. And I crash and I break down. Your wooords in my head, like kniiives in my heart. You build me up, and then I fall apart... 'Cos I'm only human..."
Worthless. You're so fucking worthless Hidan.
After everything he'd been given, all the second chances, all the miraculous coincidences. The sacrifices his friends had made, Kakuzu, Itachi... God... how could they have done this? How could they give him so much, knowing what kind of person he was, knowing he'd only toss it away. How could he ever face them? How could he ever look in their eyes again?
.
"It's not as if I was expecting anything different." Asuma finally said, eyeing the pack of menthols on the coffee table in front of him, the war in his eyes completly unhidden. Hidan stared into them, feeling like the worst person in the world just for the fact that he could go outside and smoke one right now and not have a second thought about it... Even though that wasn't true.. He hadn't been able to get past pulling one out of the pack without tossing it to the ground and grinding it into the soil since yesterday. How could he, after Seeing Asuma, not 4 years younger than Kakuzu, in the condition he was in.
"It looks like it originated in his lungs..." Kakuzu had said, scanning over the X-rays after Asuma had left. "It's a wonder he's even still able to breathe. This isn't something that happened overnight..." Hidan had only stood behind him, trying to sort out his thoughts enough to make some sort of comment that wouldn't come off as ignorant or just plain stupid. In the end he just remained quiet, watching Kakuzu go over the documents in sullen silence.
"I...really wanted to be able to give you better news..." Hidan said, almost surprised at how much he actually meant that. Empathy was never something he was good at, but looking at this, being part of this situation... how could he not feel something?
"Oh yes, and I wanted to hear better news. It's not your fault though, don't feel so bad, kid." Asuma replied, giving another tired smile. Hidan couldn't muster the strength to return it. This apartment, as lavishley decorated and throroughly clean as it was, reeked of death to him. Every direction he looked seemed bleak and muggy, as if the very atmosphere in the room knew what was occurring within the man's body.
"I... I thought, since we're neighbors and all, I can help out though. Me and Itachi, with anything you need. If your woman's too busy with the kid to go run errands or anything... you know.." It was awkward, to say the least, but just sitting there and not offering any form of help he could give nearly made him cringe. Just like with empathy, Hidan was never one to do things for other people, not without having something in it for himself. Acting so terribley out of character felt... wierd. But he had no other choice. What would Kakuzu do? Kakuzu would be responsible, and that's what he would do to. He had too. He couldn't keep waltzing along in the world, always taking without giving, oblivious to everything happening outside his realm of understanding. That was how he'd ended up in such terrible situations time and time again, with nowhere to go and no one to turn to.
Asuma's face lit up just the tiniest bit."That's right! You haven't met my Kid yet have you!" He forced himself into a more dignified sitting position and called out to the woman who had dissapeared into the eerily silent recesses of the house. "Kurenai! Bring Enkou out here! I want to introduce him to Mister San."
There was a very long silence that followed afterward, Hidan fidgeted nervously, unsure of how to process this. He didn't want to meet the kid, at least not with that bitch here, he didn't want to hear any more of her insults or demeening words. But a small aprt of him wanted to, if not for curiosity, then just to satiate the dying man's wishes. And a small part of him was somewhat gracious, too. This man, who hardley knew him, who he'd never been anything but disrespectful and rude towards, still liked him enough to treat him so kindly, still held him in high enough regards to go to all the trouble of introducing him to his son.
.
"I.. can turn it on..." He mumbled, finally having regained control of his body, though the tears refused to stop falling.
"Be.. a good... machine... I can hold the weight of worlds, if that's what you need. Be... your everything."
So much work. So much effort he had put into this, and he was willing to do so much more. But he hadn't gotten even one step into that place, that world where everything was better, and brighter, and happier. He could have been strong. He was strong, he could admit he was strong, before. He'd survived all that shit he'd been through, all the hard times, the ugly times, the suicidal, self-destructive times when he wished for nothing more than to just go to sleep and never wake up.
He'd done it, and he'd worked through it, and he'd somehow managed to end up here. He'd lived with Itachi, gotten a job, learned guitar, music... Taught himself so much, learned so much. He'd found Kakuzu, like the missing fucking link that he'd needed all along to get his shit straight. As crazy as it was, this relationship they'd developed, this attachment, as if there simply were no one else in the world for each other, despite their vast differences...
He still didn't have much, but he had everything he'd ever wanted all at the same time. Itachi was like his mother and best friend, taking care of him, consoling, giving him love and patience and acceptance when he needed it, and also a slap back into reality, a stern but still careing chiding when he strayed off track. Kakuzu was like a father, a father and a lover. It sounded strange, but that's all he could describe it as. Someone to look up to, and example to live by, and someone to make life worth living, the motivation to do better, to be better.
He'd actually felt like a different person. As if all those terrible memories had been just a terrible dream. He could console himself with the fact that it was over, that it was in the past and he'd never have to go there again...
"I can do it... I can do it.. I'll get through it... "
.
He was adorable, as much as Hidan hated to say. He wasn't one for kids. He wasn't one for a lot of things, and just in these last few minutes he'd done so many things that were so far from his normal thoughts and actions that he didn't even know how to handle it. But damn that was a cute little fucker.
He somehow found himself getting up from his seat on the couch, taking the few steps across the room, unable to unglue his eyes from that tiny human being wrapped protectivley in the brunette's arms. He ignored her alarmed glare, her frantic glances back and forth from Asuma to Hidan, as if telling him to hurry up and do something before she and her child were harmed, acting as if Hidan were a rabid dog charging toward them. She did everything but scream bloody murder.
Then he was in front of her.
"But I'm only human. And I bleed when I fall down... I'm only human. And I crash and I break down. "
He reached out so slowly, nearly mesmerized by the little sleeping bundle. It was so small, so fucking cute. It made his chest hurt, he didn't know what the fuck this was, this foreign feeling that terrified and exhilerated him at the same time. He reached, ignoring Kurenai's expression, how her eyes widened to extreme proportions, how her lips parted in shock and then teeth gritted in anger. He just wanted to touch it, just one little touch, run his fingers over the puffy cheeks.
What is this? He didn't know what it was, he suddenly felt like he was witnessing some miracle. As if he was seeing something no one else had ever seen, something not meant to be tread upon by humanity. This tiny little thing... was the greatest thing ever, the greatest fucking treasure. And he had to protect it, he realized in near horror. He had to keep this thing safe, at any costs. He'd never let any harm come to this tiny little baby...
"Your words in my head, knives in my heart. You build me up and then I fall apart... I'm only humaaaaa-a-annn... I'm only human..."
"Don't touch him." She hissed, suddenly jerking away as if Hidan were actually a Cobra in human skin, about to sink his fangs into little Enkou. To steal the baby from her arms and run away with him to some nightmare demension, never to be heard from again.
He couldn't react at first. He only stayed there with his hand hoving in the air, completley still. The baby was startled awake by the movement, offering a series of whimpers before it began to softly cry.
"Kurenai..." Asuma chided.
"No. Don't even. I'm aready going to lose my fiancee, I'm going to end up having to find some two-bit job, I'm going to be seperated from my baby at nearly all times of the day, he'll be growing up with a stranger while I work to support us, unable to ever know his father and what a good man he is. He's going to have a hard enough life as it is, and I don't want someone like him to be involved in it." She said, just below a shout.
"Kurenai!" Asuma barked, with more energy than Hidan had actually thought him capable of. The raised voices seemed to set the child into a panic, ad he began screaming hysterically now. The sound rang in Hidan's ears, making him feel suddenly as if he was losing his mind. Kurenai just stood there holding it, she didn't turn and try to comfort him, or rock him, or shush him, just held him and kept up her assault.
She narrowed her eyes, sending a glare so heavy with hatred toward Hidan that he almost reeled from it. "You are a criminal, and insane. I don't care if you think you've changed, I don't care what anyone says. You've done nothing but make our lives worse since you've come here. If it weren't for you, Asuma might not be the way he is. You're nothing to me, Hidan San. Damn the rest of the worlds opinion, damn second chances, I won't let you infect our son with your worthless ideals and posionous life. You've said what you need to say, get out of our house, and stay away from my family."
"I... can take... so much...
Until... I've had... enough..."
.
He couldn't remember clearly what happened next. That was when the demon attacked, and he was taken too offguard to even think enough to fight back. He felt like he could have burst into flames, at the sheer, unbridled anger that poured into him. How could she do that to him? How could she be so callous and mean? How could she treat him that way when he was only trying to help, as if he was the one who'd be that child's downfall, and not his psychotic fucking mother. How could she not see that he'd never hurt that baby? Aren't women supposed to be attuned to that stuff? Aren't they supposed to have some sixth sense that sounded an alarm in their head when they were in danger?
He remembered opening his mouth, all he saw was red, all he could tink was that he'd just turned into a dragon, that he was breathing fire and that he was going to destroy everything. After everything he'd done, after proving himself and struggling, people could still see him like that, people who didn't even know him... He could only think violent, angry thoughts. He'd fucking show her, he'd remove her from this world, punish her for her fucking terrible judgements. He'd save that little boy from this evil, evil woman and take that baby and never let anything hurt him.
Someone had fought him, someone had jumped in and grabbed him, and he swung at them, he flailed and raged and screamed and clawed at anything within reach, just like he felt like doing now. He couldn't handle it, this aweful, insideous fire inside him, it was eating him alive now, burning him from inside out and he had to kill it. He had to escape, he had to rip it to pieces and defeat it once and for all.
He kept fighting, kept screaming and screeching, only distantly aware of the multiple voices shouting back at him, one screaming insults, one trying to get through to him. Someone was still holding him down, he was being bombarded with attacks, and the fire wasn't dying out. He had to fight harder.
Then the sudden, overwhelming pain zapped through him, he remembered being on the floor, unable to control himself anymore as he stared distantly into the carpet, drooling on himself and laying there limply while something fastened itself around his wrists. He was picked up and carried somewhere... and by the time he regained control of his mind and body, he was in the back of a police car, hands secured behind his back, looking out the window as a familiar white Caddilac drove past.
"'Cos I'm only human... I'm only human... Just a little humaaann..." He muttered finally, sniffing heavily afterward and dragging his arm heavily across his face.
Shit. Tears. He was crying.
Hidan San... was crying.
"Fuck..." He said weakly, letting his head flop back down onto his crossed-again arms. He didn't cry. He never cried, not even when he was so drunk that he couldn't remember his own name. He hadn't cried in so long that part of him had begun to think that he'd simply lost the ability. But here he was, a lump of pathitic human being huddled in the corner of his cage, bawling like a little fucking girl.
"It's not fair..." he said aloud, unable to sort the flood of thoughts and emotions that had come washing in anew. He tipped his head up again, looking up at the concrete ceiling, ignoring the security camera in the corner, blinking at him again and agian with it's little red light.
"Why?" He said, straining to hear over the heavy silence of his sound-proof cell. "I know I've been a shitty person. You know that I know. You know I'm sorry for it. You know I'm trying to fix this..."
He waited for a brief eternity more, gritting his teeth and feeling his face contort as he held back that desperation again, the urge to cry. Then he let his head flop back down. "I don't understand... I don't get it. Fuck... Why can't you... why can't I..." He sighed, unsure of how to even continue, unsure he even wanted to. What was the point? He fucked up again. He could never live this down. He didn't even remember what he'd done. It was bad though, he'd fought so hard, he'd lashed out. Oh God... if he'd hurt that baby...
Again he recoiled into himself.
"Just kill me. Just let me die. If you're not gonna help me. Just let me fucking die..." He said quietly, then nearly jumped out of his skin when the heavy metal door clacked and then slid open roughly.
"Alright 'you'. Time to go." A deep voice echoed into the empty room. He didn't react, only continued sitting there in that little huddle in the corner. He didn't want to get up, or go anywhere. He just wanted to sit here and die.
"Hey? Didja hear me? Someone bailed you out, get up and let's go." The bodiless voice said, footsteps seeming louder than possible as whoever it was came up to him and grabbed roughly onto his wrist.
For a brief second that anger burst again, and he jerked his head up and ripped his hand away, growling like an animal as he did so. Then the guard glared at him, stepping back and placing a hand over the little pouch that contained his tazer, readying himself to be attacked. Hidan blinked, and forced the anger away, letting the depression flood back in as the only alternative he could muster.
"I don't want to go anywhere. Just let me fucking rot here." He mumbled, unable to meet the man's eyes.
"As much as I'd love to do that, I can't. You gonna get up and walk out on your own or do I need to drag you out?" There wasn't the slightest bit of sympathy or understanding in that voice. This man didn't care, he was just doing his job, just another ant in this giant fucking ant hill called Earth, slaving away at his duty until the day he died.
Fucking stupid life... What is life anyway? Is it just not-death? Is everyone just stuck in Not-death right now? Floating around in purgatory until something could be decided for them. Is that why he couldn't die? Why he couldn't feel without it resulting in pain? He wasn't actually alive, he was just a soul pretending to be alive...
He was shaken by his thoughts when the guard grabbed him by his shoulders and yanked him to his feet with a bit of an effort. He tried to focus on what was going on, marvled at how insane he actually was. Who in their right mind actually asked to stay incarcerated? Fuck, it made sense to him though. There were only two people he knew of in this world that had the kind of money to pay his bail and cared enough about him to go to the trouble, and he didn't have even the most remote desire or courage to face either of them. Though it didn't seem like he had a choice any longer.
The man slapped handcuffs on him again, a saftey protocol. For half a second the thought flit through his mind that he could just whirl around and attack the guard, that would get him thrown in actual jail for a month at least. Then he wouldn't have to face his friend or Kakuzu...
His skin crawled suddenly at that. Kakuzu.
If there were any God at all he would make sure that the old miser was not the one standing out there when they walked through that blue door at the end of the hallway. Fear flashed through him, no... he definitely couldn't face Kakuzu, not right now. Again he considered turning around and kicking his escort right in the face and running like hell. This man didn't understand, no one understood, having to see the Doctor, to look in his eyes after pulling this stunt...
Oh God... word had probably already got around town, despite him only being locked up in this place for a few hours. Everyone probably knew what happened, the entire town was probably buzzing with this newest gossip. After all, everyone seemed to know who he was now after that party. He could hear it now, 'I knew he was bad news."
Shit. Kakuzu had legal rights to fire him now... He could lose his job, there was no way he would stay with him after this. God, That bastard probably wouldn't even speak to him. Should he even bother going in to work on Monday? And Itachi, Itachi probably hated him... After everything the Uchiha had given him, he'd gone and thrown it away. He should have just left, he never should have stayed. He shouldn't have let Kakuzu convince him to stay, he should have quit the job and skipped town and none of this would have ever happened. At least that way he wouldn't have had anything to lose in the first place.
Everything was gone. In that one fucking moment of stupidity, his whole world had crumbled. Everything he'd built up, everything that had kept him going. Everything that was worthwhile about him...
He really was worthless now...
The fear left, the depression came sweeping back, so strong now that he had to bite his own tongue to keep from sobbing again. You know what? He hoped it was Kakuzu. He deserved this misery, he deserved whatever the miser was going to say to him or do to him. He deserved whatever breakup or lay-off was coming. He hoped the man would beat the shit out of him, he had no idea why... Aside from the fact that he was in full-blown self-destruction mode now. If Kakuzu wouldn't make him bleed he'd have to do it himself. He needed to be hurt, he'd fucked up, if someone wouldn't punish him for this shit, he'd do it himself...
He blinked... God he really was fucking insane wasn't he?
Finally they'd reached it, the door that lead out to the big open area where everyone who was brought in awaited their sentence. He sucked in a quick breath before it, fear swarming back again and mixing with his depression to the point where his head was swimming and he almost couldn't even function enough to move as the guard shoved him through the only solid thing standing between him and whatever fate he'd been resigned too. His legs kicked in at the last second, catching him from falling directly onto his face. After a sloppy recovery he straightened up, unsure of exactly what emotion he was feeling now as he scanned the room for any familiar figure.
It wasn't until the guard grabbed his shoulder and started leading him in the right direction that he saw it. All emotion and thought was wiped completley from his head at the sight of the tired, reddened eyes glaring pure hellfire directly into his soul.
Kakuzu.
-o-
Today had actually been a good day aside from the brief phonecall from Hidan. That had been completely unexpected, but at the same time had been surprisingly pleasant. His first reaction of course had been anger and repulsion. The little twerp had said he would be trying something this weekend, after all. Kakuzu was a little torn, as he stood there staring at the caller I.D. on his cell. On the one hand, Hidan was fucking annoying as hell and he didn't really feel like he had the mental capacity for the patience it would take to be around him right now, on the other hand, that little bastard had been getting him riled up with no outlet for the entirety of the week... and something obviously needed done about that.
Lucky for him he'd programmed Hidan's phone number into his own cell or he might have just answered without a second thought. Why or when exactly he'd added the little idiots number to his contacts failed to reveal itself, but then again a lot of things he'd done since that twerp had come trouncing in on his life didn't make much sense.
It had ended up being just a business call, surprisingly enough, though the little imbecile did have the nerve to make a smooching noise and laugh just before hanging up. Kakuzu hadn't thought much about it after remembering that Asuma Sarutobi and Kurenai Yuhi lived right below those two children. So Hidan was taking some initiative, good for him. It saved Kakuzu the pain of having to break the news and sit through the waterworks and pretend he cared. Honestly, if he didn't want cancer perhaps he shouldn't have smoked since he was a teenager...
Anyway, aside from that one small annoyance, it had been a relaxing day. He'd run all his usual errands, paid his bills, accomplished all his usual mind-numbing tasks neccessary to the functionality of his lifestyle, come home, worked out for a good three hours, taken a shower, had made himself a fresh pot of coffee and was sitting down to watch the weather channel and unwind for the day when his phone suddenly went off for the second time.
'Kisame H.' It read.
He rolled his eyes and sighed heavily. Honestly, this whole 'inviting the other out for drinks' thing was already worn out. He needed at least another ten years of alcoholic abstinence before he could even consider walking directly into another nightmare such as the ones that had trasnpired during each and every one of the last sessions he and the oceanic man had had.
For a moment he considered letting it ring, he didn't want to be bothered now that he was finally feeling as if he might actually be somewhat relaxed. Now that somehow, despite how things had absoloutly not gone back anywhere near normal, he somehow felt much more comfortable than he had for the previous 4 months of his life. Everything wasn't as it should be, but it was at least settling into a somewhat acceptable formation. Hidan wasn't plauging his thoughts, and... Okay well actually that was usually the only thing that was ever off. But still, his mind was strangley at ease, this Saturday was a normal one, and he felt good. Or at least as 'good' as a Doctor Hoku could feel... But, Unfortunatly, that damned sense of duty and asinine friendship he had won out in the end, and he answered his phone. Honestly, he needed to learn to stop doing that, Caller I.D. was developed for a reason, was it not?
And now he was on his way to the local police station to pick up his employee.
Why? He honestly had no idea.
Possibley so he could kill the man with his own hands. That made more sense than any other implications that tried to sneak into his head.
He was pissed to all hell, just to put it lightly. His knuckles had long since lost bloodflow as he gripped the steering with with enough force that the thing was actually warped slightly against his hold. And not just at that insolent little prick either, he was pissed at himself for being in the car right now, on his way to give up his precious money to save that little son of a bastard's ass.
God, this would be all over town in the morning, multiple witnesses will have seen him doing this, rumors would start to form. He could just hear them now.
'Why would the king of all assholes bail his secretary out of jail?'
'Come to think of it, That Hidan character has been working there an awefullly long time hasn't he?'
'Didn't Dr. Hoku always have female secretaries before? They never lasted more than a few weeks...'
And they'd inexplicabley put it all together just like that. Damn the fact that the inhabitants of this towns were all a bunch of brainless fools. Get enough stupidity together and eventually someone's going to get a clue. His clientel would disperse. His reputation, gone. His business, sunk. Everything he'd spent quite literally his entire life building up would be completley dmolished by this one stupid fucking act of genuine and utter stupidity. One that could be avoided so easily, all he would have to do is say one simple word, one easy, small, two letter word and all this would be avoided and his clinic and persona would remain intact. He could just let Hidan rot, or wash his hands of it and let that blasted roommate of his mother and baby him until the end of time and excuse himself entirely from the situation. 'Hidan Who? Sorry, Never heard of him.' Oh God, if only he could speak those words with the truth... It's a shame that people who've never met that pest have no way of knowing how bloody lucky they are.
And yet for whatever stupid, idiotic, infuriatingly rediculous reason... he couldn't seem to do that. It was almost as if some other force had stepped in and seized control of half of his mind and body, and refused to let the rational, logical half have any sort of power or influence over the other.
.
"Doctor Hoku..."
It took Kakuzu a minute to register the voice on the other end speaking to him, as there was no possible way that deeply feminine and soft voice could be Kisame. Finally it clicked in his brain and he was able to match a name and face to it.
"Mister Uchiha." He growled. What the hell was that little punk doing calling him on Kisame's phone?
"Yes. I'm so sorry If I'm disturbing you It's just... I don't... know who else to turn to..." The breaking of the man's voice, which had previously been the icon of self-control, immediatly peaked his curiosity and grabbed his attention, despite that it also made him inwardly recoil in preperation for whatever rediculous scheme he was about to be subjected to.
"What?" He demanded. He'd be damned if he was going to sit here and consol a weeping little man-woman because Kisame did something stupid that hurt his feelings or anything of the sort.
There was a very long silence, and a sigh, as if the boy were steeling himself. This of course made his agitation and curiosity grow. What the bloody hell was this about? "Out with it Uchiha, Beleive it or not I have a life outside of dealing with that group you run around with."
Itachi cleared his throat, inhaled audibley, whooshed it out, and finally came out with it. "Hidan was taken into Police custody."
Kakuzu remained absloutly still, unable to make so much as a counter thought, at least until his voice replied for him. "You mean he's been arrested."
"...Yes."
"For what?"
"Assault, I believe, though He didn't actually strike anyone. (A pause and shifting) Except me while I was restraining him. He took a few swipes at the officer, but I don't beleive anyone aside from myself was injured."
"I see..." No emotion. No thought. Absoloutly nothing but pure calm. Obviously this was a prank call, it wasn't real. Hidan would never do somthing so stupid, he'd never disregard Kakuzu in such a way to get himself in that kind of trouble. It wasn't real, he'd just fallen asleep watching the weather channel. He'd wake up any second now.
"He came down to make peace with Asuka and Kurenai. I... Don't know what set him off, I waited outside the door. Doctor I..." Another pause, one that seemed to last forever until the sound of a small sniff on the other side suddenly revealed to him that the Uchiha might possibley be crying at the very moment. Kakuzu was physically repulsed by this, and even drew his head away from the phone for a moment to grimace at it.
"I don't know what to do. I... I'd never seen him in that state before. I couldn't snap him out of it no matter how I tried... You...(throat clearing) You are the only other person I know of that has ever had any kind of control over him, the only other person he cares about. If he won't listen to me, I can only hope he'll listen to you."
"It seems a little late to be talking any sense to the idiot, Uchiha." He ground out. Good Lord could this man be any more of a woman?
"I realize that this is past the point of prevention Doctor but you have to understand. I've never seen him that angry before, and you know what always follows his anger and outbursts... If he was at that emotional level from one side of the spectrum, then when he calms down he's going to revert to the complete opposite... do you understand?"
.
The rest of the conversation after that was honestly a little hard to remember. It had taken a few seconds for everything to sink in. Itachi had waited patiently on the other end of the line until Kakuzu had finally succumb to the brief confusion, pinched himself, and then growled when he found that he actually was awake and that this was not any sort of prank or dream.
It was immediatly after this that Itachi's words suddenly made sense, and clicked with something in his head. Flashes of that damnable dream he'd had only two weeks ago zapped through him. Hidan standing on that cliff, his hands stretched outward, eyes closed, a soft smile that doesn't show so much in the face as it did in the general language of the body. That's wrong... something informed him, he'd been wrong. Hidan wasn't standing there smiling, no. He'd been looking up at the sky, searching, questioning, pleading. Not crying, because Hidan didn't cry, he somehow knew without knowing.
"What do you think it takes to live forever?" Hidan had asked him, so close to that ledge, where he would topple over and surely die from the impact of those wicked rocks. And Kakuzu understood, suddenly. Hidan did not want to live forever. This had nothing to do with immortality. All Hidan sought was understanding, and purpose.
I'm not worthless. The albinos voice floated into him.
All he wanted was some reason to believe the things he wanted to. All he wanted was proof to himself that his existance meant something. 'There is no such thing...' Kakuzu had told him. There is no such thing as worthless? No, he'd meant immortality. There's no such thing as living forever... Right? No... he was corrected again by some odd voice in his own head. There is no such thing as worthless. Not in Hidan's case. Even Kakuzu had his purpose, no matter the means he justified it in.
"There's no such thing as 'special'. I want to be special, even though I kind of don't. I don't know what I want, Kakuzu. Is that weird?" No Hidan. No one knows what they want, even if they think they do...
And then for that very brief second he knew exactly what Hidan needed to hear. He knew what he needed to say, everything somehow clicked so perfectly together for that one very fleeting moment in time. Hidan was special, he was more special than anything else in the world. Not for any particular reason, Kakuzu didn't need some dumb childish thing like logic, he just knew. He was Hidan's God after all, was he not? It was about damn time Hidan started receiving some answers for all those questions of his, started receiving a foundation for that shakey faith and crumbling zeal. Because he was special, for whatever reason, he had come into Kakuu's life, wreaked havoc, left it in shambles, and at the same time left that unignorable, unerasable impression on that tiny, cold, dead organ deep inside him.
With a series of flashes he was grabbing his keys, starting his car, driving down the street... And now pulling up outside of the police station. And somehow in the process of this that absolute certianty just evaporated as if it had never been there before. Life was a bitch like that, you know?
.
There were no words to describe the amount of anger he felt. He world definitley had a distinct red tint to it, his head was throbbing with a migraine, and of course there was the overwhelming desire to grab anyone who so much as glanced at him by the throat and throw them as far as gravity would allow. The last he did his best to keep reigned in, as he would need all his strength for all the terrible ideas flooding his mind regarding how exactly he was going to punish that idiotic little albino for this stunt.
It was with great effort that he managed to calmly reach forward and slowly open the door to the station. It was with great effort that he managed to speak with a level voice to the woman who greeted him and follow her at her insufferabley slow pace down the multiple corridors to the large room where a number of heavily chained, pissed off/ crying people sat in numerous chairs all a fair distance away from each other. It was with great effort that he somehow managed to stand and wait patiently after giving them a check for the money they required, feeling more as if he were signing away his soul for such a rediculous sum (Dear Benjamin was Hidan really worth that much? ...Yes... unfortunatley he was... damn it all...) while they went and fetched the object of his tremendous fury.
When the door opened, and he saw the flash of silver hair emerge from behind it, saw that damnable employee and young whatever-he-was-romantically of his stumble out, he was restraining himself only by the smallest of hairs from bulldozing his way directly across the room and pummeling the boy. His fists were long numb from being clenched in the pockets of his slacks, his jaw felt it might just snap right off from the extreme pressure of keeping it clamped shut, his body visibley trembled with the damn adrenaline pumping through him, begging time to hurry the hell up so he could get out of visual range from this place and quite literally murder the brat.
It was then that the strangest thing happened. Even stranger than everything that had transpired during his short time of knowing the jinx known as Hidan. The guard put a hand on the man's shoulder, turning him, and those peony-pink eyes flicked across the room and came to a rest meeting Kakuzu's gaze without one single detour anywhere else, as if they had been trained to locate him specifically, to lock on, and to never waver. And when this happened, Everything went away.
Salty air blowing pash them in heavy and gentle gusts alike. Hidan's back to him, hair tousled from the wind, staring up at the sky with arms held out and fingers splayed.
There was no other way to explain it. Nothing else made sense. There was no logical way to describe the absoloute nothingness that suddenly possessed his very soul, staring into those damn eyes. There was no emotion in them, nothing for him to read, nothing for him to determine what kind of thoughts were goind through the little masochists mind. It wasn't like in the stories and the television shows where somehow the character in his position could somehow inexplicabley read their mind and knew exactly what they were thinking. It was nothing like that.
Because there was nothing.
That wasn't even Hidan walking toward him. It was just a husk.
His skin prickled and Itachi's words flitted back into his brain. "If he was at that emotional level from one side of the spectrum, then when he calms down he's going to revert to the complete opposite."
That was what Hidan did. He got angry, then he calmed down, and he got depressed, and he gave up. He gave up and walked away.
A cliff below those pale, bare feet. Crumbleing, crubmleing away. The urge to reach out and yank him back, to tell him to stop, the inability to do anything but stand and watch. 'What are you doing? You're going to die..."
Those damn eyes still didn't leave his, even as he was led over to him, even as he came to stand in front of him and looked up at him with that absolute nothingness completley encasing his features. The guard stepped behind him, fiddling with the handcuffs and then removing them. Hidan's hands just fell limply to his side, and he still stared up at Kakuzu through his tousled bangs. No emotion, no thoughts, no anything.
Everything was just gone.
A whisper of words, almost unheard in the wind. 'Are you good for me Kakuzu?' The earth beneath him crumbling further, the pale body sinking, inch by inch, falling further and further away from him, unable to move, or think, or do anything aside from feel the absolute terror encasing his body.
And it was then that he was suddenly aware that the room around them had come indescriblabley quiet. At the same time as that realization, his own heartbeat exploded in his ears, and he realized that he was in pain. Something inside his chest was hurting him terribley, so badly that he actually winced and had to resist the urge to reach up and clench at it.
'Can you save me, Kakuzu?'
'No.'
'That's good, and bad. But mostly good.' I don't know if I want to be saved, I don't know what I want. 'So you can come with me?' You can show me Kakuzu? Give me reason, not what I want, what I need...
'Yes.'
A smile.
"Kakuzu..." Hidan said weakly. His heart gave another throb and he had to force himself to take a deep breath in through his nose before he could convince himself once again that he was still in reality and not some dreamscape. Well shit, now he couldn't remember any of the torture methods that came to mind, now he didn't know how to react...
"Let's go." His voice said for him, then his body even turned for him and walked away, unable to think coherant enough thoughts to turn and make sure the zealot was following.
.
Suddenly they were both in his car, sitting in utter silence. Finally it became too much for the older man after a whopping three minutes, and he forced out the first thing that came to mind when he tried to think of something to say.
"You're an idiot."
...Okay.. Sure. Yeah. He could go with that. Why the hell not? Hidan was an idiot. He had just fouled up immensley, he deserved at least some kind of beration.
Instead of a response though, the albino only gave him a sullen nod, pigmentless eyes fixed steadily out the front windsheild, fogged over in the emptyness that still radiated outward from them.
Kakuzu found himself gripping the steering wheel again, this time out of some other emotion he couldn't quite name. "Dammit are you just going to sit there the whole time or are you going to explain to me what the hell is happening right now!?" He growled, mentally kicking himself for wording it like that after Hidan finally ripped his stare from the road ahead of them to turn to his employer.
"I don't think I could tell you if I wanted to..." He finally muttered. "Just hurry up and fucking fire me and break up with me and drop me off down at the tracks so I can lay there and wait for the next train."
Fire? Break up? Huh... Those hadn't even crossed his mind, surprisingly. But then again he'd been focusing pretty hard on murder...
"What the hell are you on about?" His voice said, betraying him before he could even think for a moment about those thoughts. "What the bloody hell is that kind of talk going to do for you?"
Hidan only regarded him expressinlessly with that mass amount of nothing. Kakuzu's chest hurt again and he found himself managing to summon up at least a little bit of his previous anger, mainly for the fact that he was somehow suddenly confused beyond all hell. Hidan didn't do this, he didn't act like this. He bounced right back every time and he was fine then. This wasn't Hidan... This was... just a husk.
"And stop making that face before I smack it off you. You act like the damn world is ending. What the hell is wrong with you?"
"Me?! What the hell is wrong with you?! Why are you being so fucking calm?! Why haven't you fucking killed me yet? I've been sitting here waiting for you to fucking explode and all you're doing is acting like... I don't even fucking know!"
"If you'd like me to start beating the shit out of you then i'd be more than happy to but first I'd like to know what the fuck you were thinking!"
"WHAT!? You think I pruposley woke up today thinking 'hey lets see how I can ruin my fucking life, oh shit, let's go fucking attack some lady while she's holding her baby and then nearly try to kill our best friend and get taken to fucking jail so my fucking boss and boyfriend can pick me up and kill me. That seems like a good fucking plan!"
"What the hell are you talking about?!"
"I don't fucking know I never know what I'm talking about! I never know what's going on! What the fuck is wrong with you! Just fucking kick me to the curb already and stop fucking around!"
I don't know why I want... Only what I don't want. And that doesn't help at all...
"If I was going to leave you then I wouldn't even be here right now you disrespectful, insolent little fucking pest!" Kakuzu snarled, slamming the brakes to make the car screech to a halt and them slapping the shifter into park. The anger was bubbling over now, but not just anger for the sake of being angry. It stemmed from somewhere else, somewhere he couldn't see.
Hidan's eyes remained wide, still sitting in a position to brace himself against the sudden halt of the vehicle. Kakuzu whirled to face him, grabbing him by the collar of his rumbled shirt and bringing their faces inches apart. "You think after all the shit I've been put through because of you. Of everythig I've risked, of all the money I've wasted, that I'd be so stupid as to just let you go?"
Hidan's face wasn't blank anymore, at least. He seemed genuinely scared, and perhaps even a little bit confused.
"I thought I'd made it perfectly clear last time that I'm not going anywhere. I don't appreciate you trying to scare me off by acting like this. So listen here you little shit, get this through your thick fucking skull before I have to grab a hammer and beat it into you. You are mine. And I don't give up my things under any circumstances."
I can give you what you need AND what you want... I can be your god.
He took Hidan's hand, and he took the steps up to him, and he grabbed the smiling fool...
And drew him close and he kissed him as long and hard as he could.
Because oblivion and death and the unknown were terrifying. But living without this chaotic nuisance, this leverage that balanced out his normal, rational life... This one single man that somehow gave everything deeper meaning and an enlightening sense of beauty. This man that made the smallest of things seem so significant...
The cliff fell away beneath them, his stomache lurched as they began to fall. He opened his eyes too look at Hidan's, afraid for the fact that he was so unafraid. And he realized that they weren't falling.
Hidan was staring at him with that mischevious grin as they sat there, floating in that one timeless moment, frozen in space... Because as long as Hidan was with him, everything was okay. Even when nothing made sense, everything was okay, everything was right.
Because losing Hidan meant oblivion and death. Without Hidan, everything was unknown, nothing made sense, even when it didn't but still did. Because this was something more, because this was something real. Kakuzu didn't need logic. What place did logic ever really have in this irrational world?
"It's all about perception... Hidan..." He muttered. Those pale eyes widened, they fogged over and watered, and with one single tear, Hidan leaned forward and kissed him again, as hard and long as he could.
"I think I love you..." Hidan whispered when he finally pulled away, making Kakuzu's heart wrench in on itself and forced a choked sound of disbelief from him. He stared into those pigmentless eyes, feeling like he could explode right there at that very moment... and that would probably be okay.
"I know..." Kakuzu said back, for once speaking for himself. Meaning to say it, needing to say it. "I know..." He said again quietly, leaning forward and resting his forehead against Hidans, placing his hand around the back of his neck. "I think I do too..."
-o-
He's just a person, you know, in the grand scheme of things. And when you really get down to it, he's probably not nearly as special as he feels to me. The universe won't take notice of him, most of the world won't either. But people like me would...
"When the straight and narrow get's a little too straight, just follow your arrow wherever it points."
-o-
A/N-
Okay yeah, There's an epilogue.
I had comepletley differen't plans for how this chapter would end, but that just seemed far too perfect of a spot to keep going. Maybe... I hope so at least. Jashin, I really am my own worst critic you know?
Tell me otherwise with a review.
So. I hope you enjoyed this story. There will be one more chapter just to wrap up a few more minor details that are important enough to be addressed, I think. And then It's over. As I stated in the very beginning, this entire thing was written, chapter for chapter, with absoloutly no plot or anything, which explains why it's so damn crazy at points and why it might possibley not really make much sense at times. But I hope it was enjoyable anyway. I know I had fun writing it.
So... I don't really have much else to add at this point, other than I love you guys and I thank you whole-heartedly for reading and reviewing and that goes doubleso for those of you who stuck with me through out the entirety of it. So, as usuall, forgive the typos and tell me what you thought.