Note: I am so very sorry for the delay in this chapter. My beta reader had it for a VERY long time, as she was busy preparing for her panel at ClexaCon, and life in general. When she finally got it back to me, it required a bit of a tweak and I was in the middle of report cards so I had to put it on the back burner for a bit until that craziness was over. Then, of course, I had to send it back to her so she could take a look at the rewritten parts... Anyway, I'm sorry and here it finally is. I hope it is worth the wait, and my beta currently has the next chapter, so hopefully, 26 will be up much more quickly than this one was.
As always, a big thank you to my beta Sally for finding the time to edit my story and offer suggestions. I know she was terribly busy lately and I appreciate that she managed to work it into her schedule.
The flasback to the bathroom scene starts and ends with italics, it was pointed out that because it is so long, the whole thing in itlaics might be hard to read for some.
Truths and Understanding
Lexa watched Clarke move to the music, and tried to keep up. They had been dancing for a couple of hours, and had, by unspoken agreement left the floor anytime the music slowed down. Lexa had mixed feelings about that, but her reaction to Clarke's body shot earlier had left her feeling that a bit of distance was the best course of action at the moment.
It disconcerted her to no end how much she wanted to put her hands on the hips of the beautiful woman in front of her, while at the same time feeling as though the mere thought of doing so might send her into a panic attack. That thought sent her back to the moment when she felt Clarke's lips against the flushed skin of her neck. Lexa trembled slightly at the memory.
The moment Clarke's soft, pink lips had touched her neck, Lexa was sure that her heart would stop from the sheer force of the electrical pulse she felt rush through her body. She had to force herself to continue breathing the whole time Clarke worked her way down her neck. It was an exquisite kind of torture, and Lexa's mind began to short circuit as Clarke neared her pulse point and she had to forcibly hold back what would have certainly been an obscene moan. By the time Clarke had carefully taken the lime from her mouth, Lexa was barely breathing, confused and terrified by the intensity of the feelings rushing through her body; she was also incredibly turned on. It left her in a stupor and on the verge of a very embarrassing panic attack. If it wasn't for Anya pulling her to her feet and dragging her away to the safety of the restroom, she might have fallen to pieces right there in front of everyone.
Lexa smiled as Clarke turned so that her back was to Lexa and began to sway her hips with her arms stretched above her head. Lexa again had to stop herself from taking a step forward and grasping the blonde's hips. Instead, she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and released it slowly as she thought back to her talk with Anya.
Anya grabbed Lexa's hand, immediately noticing what was going on and decided to remove Lexa from the situation as quickly as possible. She led them through the crowded bar area and into the restroom. Thankfully, and surprisingly, it was currently empty. It was a large bathroom, with a wall of stalls along one wall, a full-length mirror along another, in addition to the ones above the sinks across from the stalls, and two comfortable looking couches tucked into a little niche in one corner. Anya led Lexa to the sofa tucked against the wall, which hid them from the mirrors or the door. She sat down carefully next to her and placed a hand on her shoulder.
Lexa was taking quick shallow breaths, and her eyes held a faraway, glazed look that Anya remembered well, from two years ago. She slowly raised her hand and placed it in the center of Lexa's back and began to rub small, soothing circles against the tight muscles she could feel there. With her other hand, she reached out and cradled one of Lexa's hands and squeezed gently.
"Lex?" Anya started softly. "Lexa, honey, you have to breathe. Can you breathe with me?" Anya took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, hoping Lexa would copy her. She squeezed Lexa's hand again. "Can you feel my hand on yours? Concentrate on my hand and breathe with me, okay?" Anya took another deep breath and at the same time, squeezed her index finger and thumb against the tip of Lexa's thumb. On the next breath, she moved to Lexa's index finger and continued in this manner until she returned to Lexa's thumb. By the time Anya had hit Lexa's ring finger the second time through, Anya had noticed Lexa's eyes shift quickly to her own before darting away again. By the time she hit Lexa's pinky again, her best friend was making more of an effort to regulate her breathing. On the third time through, Lexa's breathing began to match Anya's, and by the time Anya squeezed Lexa's middle finger for the third time, Lexa curled her hand around and squeezed Anya's hand instead.
"Thank you," Lexa shakily breathed out, lowering her eyes to their clasped hands.
Anya nodded. "Want to tell me what that was about? I mean, I could probably guess, but I'd like to hear your take on it."
Lexa looked at her best friend, eyes glassy with unshed tears. "Oh, An," she sighed. "I don't know what to do."
"Do about what? Clarke or the body shot?" Anya questioned softly.
"I don't know...yes? No? Yes? Everything?" Lexa responded quietly, searching Anya's face like she expected to find the answers to all her questions there.
"Okay, well that's vague," Anya said giving Lexa's shoulders a squeeze. "Let's start with how you feel right now."
Lexa sighed again and waved her hand around her listlessly before stating in a defeated tone, "Embarrassed, terrified, confused and..."
"Turned on?" Anya added and let a smirk creep upon her face when Lexa snapped her head up and looked at her with wide eyes.
Lexa just looked at Anya for several moments before swallowing thickly and gave her head a brief nod before looking back down.
"Oh, my God, Anya," she breathed out. "Yes, so incredibly turned on." And then Lexa began to cry.
Anya looked at her in alarm and scooted closer to wrap her friend up in a tight hug, pulling Lexa's head onto her shoulder.
"Oh, sweetie," Anya said. "It's okay; it's okay to feel, Lex."
Anya could feel Lexa shake her head against her shoulder before she buried her face in Anya's neck, her shoulders shaking with her sobs. Anya rubbed circles on Lexa's back and waited. Long moments later, Lexa finally pulled away a bit and took a deep breath, the odd hiccupping sob still making its way from the depth of Lexa's chest.
"Then why..." Lexa stuttered out, "why do I feel so guilty?"
"Guilty?" Anya asked before realization suddenly dawned on her. "Oh, Lex," she softly said. "You don't need to feel guilty. Do you think Costia would want you to be alone?" Anya felt Lexa stiffen and try to pull away, but she just held her tighter.
"She would want you to be happy," Anya continued softly, murmuring into Lexa's hair. "And, she would have adored Clarke," Anya said with certainty.
Lexa stayed still and silent against Anya's chest, her arms wrapped around her best friends waist. Finally, Lexa shook her head again. "I know...I know...I do," Lexa whispered. "It's not just that I feel guilty about the feelings I have for Clarke," Lexa said raising her head to look at Anya, her eyes pleading for acceptance, understanding or absolution, Anya wasn't sure which.
"What is it then?" Anya asked, searching Lexa's face for something, anything that would help her make all of this easier for Lexa. All she saw, though, was misery and fear.
Lexa shook her head again and lowered her eyes. "It's not just that I have feelings, it is the strength of those feelings, An. I have never felt this way, and that makes me feel even guiltier than having them in the first place. What does that say about what Costia and I had? Did I even love her? If...if she was still here, would we still be together? Was what we had strong enough to hold us together?"
Lexa paused to wipe away a stray tear, and Anya closed her suddenly open mouth at Lexa's admission before Lexa could catch her with her jaw hanging open.
Lexa didn't look up again, though, she just took another deep breath and pressed on, while the thoughts were all bubbling to the surface. All the fears, feelings she had been keeping inside, suddenly seemed to burst forth with the fist quick, quiet admission.
"What if I feel more than Clarke does?" Lexa continued, straightening in her seat but looking down at her hands. "What if I let myself do this and she doesn't feel the same way? We just met! What with her injury we haven't even spent that much time together even though I've known her for a couple of months. Can she care about me the way I care about her, already? How can she? She doesn't know me - hell, I don't even know me these days!" Lexa huffed out, throwing her hands in the air.
Anya just looked on, in awe of the things her friend was revealing to her and the speed at which they were falling from Lexa's lips. Lexa seemed totally unaware of the few people who had entered and left the restroom while they were talking, focused on her inner turmoil, getting out what she had desperately been holding in for far too long.
"How can I feel this much, An? I don't even know her, not really," Lexa asked, looking up at Anya but not waiting for an answer before she softly continued, speaking more to herself than to Anya it seemed. "But I feel like I do. I feel like I've known her forever. Like everything I need to know, all the important things, I already have buried inside my soul. The little things, like her middle name, her birthday - those things are nothing. You don't know someone by knowing those things about them, right? But who she is, who she is in the depths of her soul - I feel like I know that Clarke. I know her, Anya and I don't know how I know, and it terrifies me. It terrifies me because what if I do this, what if I put myself out there, to her. I know it won't just be a piece of me, it will be all of me, my whole heart, my whole soul, will belong to her. She sees me, Anya," Lexa said with wonder, looking again at her stunned friend sitting silently next to her. "She sees me, and she sees my pain, my confusion...my fear, but she has never pushed. She allows me to feel it, but I know that she would help me shoulder it, she would take it for her own if she could. How do I know that?" Lexa sat in silence for a few moments before she sucked in a sharp inhale of breath and stifled a sob before whispering, "What she doesn't know, is how broken I am."
"Lexa," Anya finally managed to say after a short, stunned silence, "are you even listening to yourself right now? You just finished going on about how you feel you know this woman on a level I can barely fathom, that she can see that you are confused and in pain but has never asked you about it, yet has let you know she is there if you need her, right?" Lexa nodded, watching Anya carefully.
"Okay, so, do you honestly think that when she finds out the reasons behind your pain, she will run? I mean, I've only spent a handful of hours in her presence, but even I can tell she wouldn't do that. I can also tell that she cares about you - a lot," Anya softly said, laying her hand on Lexa's thigh.
Lexa looked up at her with wide eyes. "What? What do you…"
"Oh my God, Lexa," Anya scoffed, interrupting. "The way she looks at you like you are a warrior goddess would be the first clue. But if that weren't enough, I was in the stands today when you got dumped, and Raven had to restrain Clarke from running down to the ice. I'm not sure if it was to check on you or to beat that District 13 player to a pulp - maybe both."
Lexa continued to stare at Anya in wide-eyed wonder for another beat before the self-doubt came creeping back in and she closed her eyes. "What if I let myself do this and I ruin our friendship? I haven't had friends like this since Seattle, Anya. I've been barely surviving for almost two years, and now I finally feel like I'm starting to live again; like I truly want to live again. What if, God, what if," Lexa trailed off and then finished in a whisper so soft, Anya almost didn't catch it.
"What if it's great, what if it's everything I feel like it could be deep in my soul? What if it's everything and I lose her?" Lexa's voice cracked at the end, and Anya reached over and pulled her into a hug once more.
"Lex?" Anya said into the top of Lexa's hair, as she placed a kiss on the top of her head. "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to think about it for a moment, really think about it, okay?"
Lexa nodded under Anya's chin, and she felt Anya take a deep breath. "Shitty things happen all the time; you know this better than anyone. So if you decide that you can only be friends with Clarke because you are afraid to lose her, is it going to be easier to accept, easier to move on, to recover from the loss because you refused anything more than friendship? Is it going to keep you from caring about her? Would it make her loss easier to take?"
Anya had felt Lexa stiffen almost at the beginning of her monologue, but she hadn't pulled away, so Anya had barged ahead. It was important that Lexa heard what Anya was trying to tell her and that she truly thought about it. By the time Anya had finished, she could feel Lexa's tears once again soaking through the front of her shirt.
Anya remained quiet and finally felt Lexa shaking her head, her forehead rubbing across the soft cotton of Anya's shirt. "No," Lexa whispered brokenly.
"Mmmm," Anya hummed, giving Lexa a squeeze. She then pushed back on Lexa's shoulders so she could look her in the eye. "I know you're scared. I know you feel guilty about the depth of your attraction to this woman, and that you feel that it somehow lessens what Costia meant to you. But, Lex, can you let yourself imagine the joy this could bring you? What if you don't lose her? What if being in a relationship with Clarke is everything you ever dreamed a relationship could be? What if she is it for you and you both live very long, very happy lives - together? If she makes you feel alive again, and I can tell that she does, isn't that worth a bit of risk? Especially since you are determined to keep her in your life anyway, and you know as well as I do that you won't be able just to shut off your feelings."
Anya kept Lexa's gaze and watched the myriad emotions course through Lexa's emerald gaze. She waited for a heartbeat, letting Lexa ponder what she had already said, before dropping her final, most salient point. "If you decide to remain, only friends, what do you do when she finds a partner?" Anya watched the subtle flinch and the grimace that flitted across Lexa's face at that and mentally high-fived herself for calling that one. "How will you handle that?" she continued. "Will you still be able to be there for her, be her friend when she is with someone else - when she should be with you?"
Lexa's eyes widened slightly at the last part, and Anya smiled gently and kissed Lexa on the forehead. "Yes, Lexa. I think she should be with you."
The two woman sat for a few moments more in comfortable silence before Lexa took in a deep breath and blew it noisily out her nose as she shook her head. "I'm not ready. Not yet. But I could be, I want to be. I need to tell Clarke why I'm in DC. I need her to know. I think once that is out in the open maybe I can finally say good-bye and move on," she said firmly.
Anya smiled over at Lexa and squeezed her hand. "I'm proud of you. One of the bravest things you will ever do is allow yourself to love again, Lex." Anya took a breath and kissed Lexa's temple before continuing. "You are the strongest person I know, and I'm so happy to have you back in my life."
Lexa reached over suddenly and wrapped the slightly older woman up in a fierce hug. "Me too, An. I'm sorry it took so long, and I will be forever grateful that you didn't give up on me. I love you," Lexa finished in a whisper.
"I love you too, kid. Now let's get you cleaned up and get back out there before our friends think we abandoned them. Oh, and also," Anya said, lifting the damp fabric of her shirt away from her shoulder, "you owe me a new shirt."
Lexa chuckled somewhat wetly and swatted Anya on her shoulder before quickly washing her face and thanking whatever powers that be that she wasn't wearing a lot of makeup and that her mascara was waterproof. She refreshed easily, and the two woman made their way out back into the loud nightclub. They sat at their table and Lexa pushed the tequila shot towards Anya who downed it quickly. It wasn't long before Raven came and claimed Anya for a dance, and only moments after that that Lexa felt Clarke sit down hesitantly next to her.
Lexa found she couldn't look Clarke in the eye, all her embarrassment rising to the surface once again. Clarke started to apologize, and Lexa shut her down, taking the blame on herself and her erratic emotions. There was so much she wanted to say to Clarke, but it was neither the time nor the place. The next thing Lexa knew a soft, delicate hand was in front of her face, with the husky, 'dance with me?' falling from Clarke's lips. Lexa knew she left Clarke standing there too long, but she had to will her heart and her mind to work together to compose herself enough to respond. She finally nodded and accepted Clarke's hand, and the smile she got in response from the blonde took her breath away as she followed Clarke to the dance floor.
Lexa's mind drifted back from her heart to heart with Anya, to Clarke who was still dancing with her back to Lexa, and Lexa couldn't help but admire the shape of Clarke's ass in her jeans, or the way all her curves and edges seemed to flow so seamlessly together. Lexa was sure Clarke was a goddess sent from the Heavens, perfection incarnate.
Every time Clarke Griffin was near her, Lexa felt as though her body orbited Clarke's erratically, inexorably attracted to her in the same way that the planetary bodies in the solar system are drawn to the sun. However, Lexa felt as though Clarke's pull was much stronger; more like the gravity of a black hole, a pull so strong she could feel her resolve weaken every moment she spent in Clarke's presence. It was that weakening of resolve, that feeling of falling into Clarke's gravity that had Lexa stunned and barely breathing by the time Clarke turned around with a blinding smile on her face as the next song started up. Anya was right, Lexa thought thinking back again to their conversation in the restroom. Before the thought could evolve any further, Clarke stepped closer into Lexa's space as the first lines of the song filtered out over the dance floor.
Clarke looked up into Lexa's eyes with a mischievous glint in her own and a small smile hiding in the corners of her mouth; almost as if Clarke knew what had been going through Lexa's mind only moments before as she sang along with Selena Gomez.
"Can't keep my hands to myself. No matter how hard I'm trying to. I want you all to myself.
You're metaphorical gin and juice," Clarke sang, swaying in front of Lexa.
"Can't keep my hands to myself. I want it all, no, nothing else," Clarke continued, raising her arms above her head and turning a full 360 degrees in front of Lexa, who stood still as a statue, flexing her fists open and closed, and breathing sharply through her nose.
"Can't keep my hands to myself. Give me your all and nothing else. Oh, I, I want it all, I want it all; I want it all. Can't keep my hands to myself. I mean I could, but why would I want to?" Clarke sang and stopped directly in front of Lexa and looked up into bright green eyes on the last word.
Lexa stood rooted in place, watching Clarke sing and sway her hips in front of her and finally she couldn't take it anymore, and when Clarke came to a stop in front of her, she reached out and grasped Clarke's waist on either side, with only slightly shaky hands. Clarke's smile got incredibly bigger, and she stepped even closer and draped her arms over Lexa's strong shoulders and linked her hands behind Lexa's neck as she started swaying again to the music.
Lexa's throat went dry as she realized just how close Clarke was. Her lips only inches away, her crystal blue eyes shining up at Lexa with affection. When Lexa's eyes darted down to Clarke's lips, she watched as Clarke pulled her bottom lip under her top teeth and felt Clarke's hands tighten briefly behind her neck. Lexa forced her eyes back up to Clarke's and sucked in a sharp breath at the sudden darkening of desire she now saw in them. She felt her heart rate quicken, and her hands involuntarily gripped the blonde's waist tighter and pulled her even closer. They weren't quite flush together, but Lexa could feel the heat radiating off of Clarke in waves.
They continued to move as the song came to an end, and Lexa could feel herself leaning into Clarke, the pull of her irresistible and Lexa didn't feel as though she had the strength or the desire left to fight it. She could do this. She would do this and tomorrow, or even later tonight or hell, in the next five minutes, she would share her story with Clarke. As they slowly closed the gap between them, Lexa thought, tomorrow, definitely tomorrow. Lexa could feel the soft puff of Clarke's breath against her lips, and her eyes fluttered closed, only to snap open a fraction of a second later as she heard "Griffin!" shouted from only a couple feet away. Lexa felt Clarke jerk in her arms and pull back to look in the direction of the call. Lexa cursed inwardly but felt simultaneously relieved. She did want to talk to Clarke before anything happened, she just couldn't seem to make her body behave when she was in the presence of the intoxicating blonde.
Lexa dropped her hands from Clarke's hips as though they were on fire just as Raven and Anya stopped beside them. Lexa didn't miss the raised eyebrow Anya shot her way, nor the subtle smirk that graced her lips. Lexa sent a brief glare her way before focusing on the somewhat drunk Raven, waving a phone in front of Clarke's nose.
"Clarke!" Raven yelled again.
"I'm right in front of you, Rae," Clarke laughed, eyes tracking the phone Raven was waving through the air. "Is that my phone?" she asked, pointing to Raven's hand.
"Yes!" Raven yelled, waving the phone again. "Mine died, and I needed it to take more pictures, and,"
"Of course you did," Clarke interrupted and laughed again making a grab for the phone as it passed in front of her again. She managed to snag it and wrestle it out of Raven's grasp. Clarke looked at the screen and her brow creased in confusion. "What?" Clarke started to say before being cut off by Raven.
"That's what I'm trying to tell you, Clarke!" Raven hollered. "Who's sending you so many messages? All the important people are here!"
Anya stepped forward and pulled Raven's hands down from where they were waving around indicating the group of friends. "Just let her look, Rae," Anya calmly said.
Clarke looked up. "You didn't look?" she asked Raven.
"Nope," the Latino beauty replied, popping the p. "I brought it right over to you; I thought it might be an emergency or something."
Clarke grimaced and started walking back to the tables held by their group as she opened the first text message.
Mom: Clarke, call me, please.
"It's my mom," Clarke said as she looked up, "all of the text messages are from her. Clarke scrolled down to the next message.
Mom: Clarke, I need you to call me.
Mom: Where are you?
Mom: I've tried to call you, you're not answering your phone.
Mom: Clarke, it's important. Please, call me.
The next few went on in the same vein, but then the colour drained from Clarke's face as she read the next one.
Mom: I don't want to do this over the phone, please call me.
"You don't want to do what, Mom?" Clarke whispered, as she quickly scanned the last of the text messages and then opened her voice mail with shaky fingers. Lexa, Anya, and Raven all stood watching Clarke with varying degrees of concern on their faces.
Clarke listened to the first three phone messages, all of which were similar to the text messages, and then she pressed play on the second to last one. As she listened to her mother's voice, Clarke could feel her breath coming in shallow gasps, and her knees started to shake. She clamped her fingers around her phone case so hard her knuckles turned white. She shook her head back and forth as she listened, muttering a soft "no, no, no," over and again as the message came to a close. Clarke lowered the phone mechanically, her eyes glazed and lost. She took a step backward and stumbled and fell into the side of the table, knocking over the few beer bottles that remained from their last round. Anya was closest and reached out to steady her, but Clarke had already pushed herself off the table with one hand, the other held her phone, dangling uselessly at the end of her fingertips.
"Clarke?" Raven asked, hesitantly. "What's going on?"
Clarke turned blank eyes on her friend and opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Clarke shook her head and let the phone drop to the floor before pushing past the small group of friends and rushing across the dance floor and down the stairs.
The three women stared after her for a moment before Anya reached down and picked up the discarded phone and handed it to Raven who looked at it stupidly, trying to figure out what was going on.
Lexa struggled with giving Clarke some space or going after her, but she noticed Clarke had left without her jacket or her purse, which meant she had no keys to her car, so figured she wouldn't or couldn't go far. As much as Lexa wanted to go after Clarke, Lexa wanted, no, needed to know what she would be facing when she found Clarke. She had to have some idea what had just happened before she took off blindly after the blonde.
Raven pressed play on the voice mail and held it up to her ear to hear Abby speaking in a strained voice.
'Clarke? Clarke, honey, I need you to call me as soon as you get this, okay. Listen, I didn't want to have to tell you this by voice mail; I tried hard to get in touch with you.' Raven could hear Abby take a deep breath before breathing out and forcing herself to continue. 'Clarke, your Dad's been in an accident at the lab, an explosion or something, I didn't get many details. Only that they had airlifted him to the hospital and that he was alive when he left.' At this Raven's hand flew over her mouth, her eyes were wide as she looked over at Anya. 'I haven't heard anything else; they said they would call when they had more news. Clarke, I'm going to Florida on the next flight. I tried to get in touch with you because I knew you'd want to come, but the flight leaves in an hour, and I'm already at the airport. I'll call you when I get there. I'm so sorry, honey. I'll call you.'
Raven lowered the phone and quickly looked at the time stamp. She then realized that Abby would already be in Orlando, it only being a 2 and 1/2 hour flight from DC. She also realized that Clarke hadn't listened to the last message.
"What's going on," Anya and Lexa asked almost at the same instant. Before Raven could answer, she saw Octavia and Lincoln working their way towards them, with worried expressions on their faces. So she indicated their way and bid Lexa and Anya wait.
Once the couple had joined them, Octavia immediately piped up. "What the hell did you guys do to Clarke? She wouldn't even look at us when I called out to her as she passed us."
Raven held up the phone. "Her dad's been hurt. There was an explosion at the lab in Orlando. Her mom says it's bad; they airlifted him to the hospital and Abby has been trying to get a hold of Clarke so she could go with Abby to Orlando. Abby had to go without her, and Clarke has no idea how her father is doing," Raven summed up looking around at the shocked faces of the group.
"Jesus," Octavia breathed out.
Lexa stood stunned, not believing what she was hearing and was about to go after Clarke when Raven spoke up again. "She didn't listen to the last message. Should we?" Everyone nodded, and Raven hit play and cringed slightly upon hearing Abby's weary voice come through.
'Clarke, I've landed in Orlando. Your father made it to the hospital, and he is currently undergoing surgery. He has suffered blunt force trauma to his torso, most likely from the concussion effects of the explosion, but they don't know for sure. He will be in surgery for the next bit, but I will update you as soon as I am aware of anything. The next flight isn't until midmorning, and I should know more by then, either way. I will let you know as soon as your father is out of surgery and I find out more. Then if you feel you need to come, I will buy you a ticket. I love you, sweetie. Please be safe.'
Raven shared the last bit of information to the group and Lexa immediately grabbed Clarke's coat from the chair; plucked Clarke's phone nimbly from between Raven's frozen fingers and headed out to find the devastated blonde.
"Lexa?" Anya hollered after her, concerned. Anya hadn't missed the flinch from Lexa as Raven relayed Abby's last message, knowing exactly where Lexa's mind had gone in that moment.
Lexa turned around and looked at the forlorn group, then focused on Anya. She raised her chin slightly and called out, "I'll find her," before she turned on her heel and disappeared down the stairs.
The rest of the friends rounded up the last of their ragged group and informed them all of the unfolding events. It was sobering news, and the friends gathered tightly together to discuss their next course of action.
"Should we go look for her too?" Octavia asked.
"No," Anya responded. "Lexa will find her and take care of her."
"Should we go wait for her at her house, so she has some support when her mom calls?" Bellamy wondered.
"That's not a bad idea actually," Raven said, "but I don't think all of us, that might be a bit overwhelming."
Octavia, Lincoln, Anya and Raven decided that they would wait at Clarke's house. The rest of the friends made them promise to keep them informed of any news, then said their somber goodbyes and climbed into their respective Ubers and pulled away.
Anya departed with Lincoln, who, several hours earlier, had been nominated as the night's designated driver, to go pick up her things so that they could go straight to the airport if needed. Anya was still flying out in just a few hours, the potential tragedy paying no mind to flight schedules and pre-paid tickets. Anya wished she could stay, but she had been away from work for three weeks, and it was time to get back, and as much as the timing sucked, there was nothing she could do about it. Anya just hoped there was a happy ending to this and that she would get to see Lexa and Clarke before she had to leave. Raven and Octavia ordered an Uber to take them directly to Clarke's house but made Lincoln promise to drive carefully before Anya climbed into Lincoln's truck, and they pulled away. Their fragile mortality was at the forefront of all of their minds as they said their goodbyes.
Lexa tore out the doors to the club and came to a screeching halt on the sidewalk. She quickly put on her jacket and gloves while holding Clarke's coat between her knees and she thought about where to look first. Lexa decided to try the car and headed to the parking lot. She could see Clarke's blue Civic from across the lot, but no sign of the distraught blonde. Lexa quickly strode the rest of the distance to the car and walked around it slowly, looking for any clue as to where Clarke may be. The only thing that gave any indication that Clarke may have been there at all was a small handprint pressed messily into the still developing frost on the driver's window. Almost as if it was slapped there in frustration. Lexa turned away from the car and zipped her coat up to her chin. A flare of real concern for the blonde settled in her gut as she realized how bitterly cold it was outside and that Clarke was wandering around with no jacket at all. Lexa ran out of the parking lot and back onto the sidewalk, clutching Clarke's coat and purse in her hand tightly, looking in both directions hoping for some inspiration to hit.
She decided to head towards Clarke's house, hoping that Clarke had headed for home. Lexa took off at a fast jog, navigating the icy sidewalks as carefully as she could while still maintaining speed. Lexa had gone about three blocks before she saw a crumpled form shivering on a bus stop bench. Lexa slowed, knowing before she could see the person huddled there that it was Clarke. As Lexa approached she could see Clarke's shoulders shaking, her head bowed and her hair cascaded forward, hiding her face.
Lexa walked up to Clarke softly and around behind her, carefully draping Clarke's coat over the frigid woman's shoulders. Lexa left her hand on Clarke's shoulder as she walked around and sat gingerly beside the silent blonde.
Lexa didn't say anything, just sat quietly, letting Clarke know by her proximity that she was there for her. Clarke didn't acknowledge Lexa's presence for many minutes, but then she turned into her suddenly and sobbed against her chest, clutching at Lexa's jacket. Over the course of the next moments, Clarke managed to work her way onto Lexa's lap, her face buried in the crook of her neck, still grasping her jacket tightly, and it was there that she remained. Lexa had wrapped her up with her left arm, pulling Clarke's coat tightly around her while her right hand alternated between rubbing soothing circles on her back and stroking her hair softly. They had been sitting like that for over an hour, Lexa holding Clarke gently as she cried out her fear. Lexa held her tenderly, stroking her hair and whispering things in her ear that were meant to be comforting and soothing more than anything else. When Clarke's tears finally started to slow, and the sobs that shook her body had faded to the occasional hiccup, she slowly peeled herself away from Lexa, visibly embarrassed by the copious amount of tears and snot on Lexa's jacket.
Clarke didn't look at Lexa as she removed herself from the other girl's lap, wiping at her face and nose, and keeping her head down as she mumbled a soft "Sorry," while she pulled her arms through her jacket and zipped it up.
Lexa let her go, immediately missing the warmth while simultaneously ignoring the kink in her back from sitting in one place for too long and just watched Clarke carefully.
Clarke was still avoiding Lexa's gaze, but with the continued silence she finally glanced up at her.
"Does...does everyone know?" Clarke asked quietly, glancing back down at her hands and twining her fingers together in a constantly agitated motion.
Lexa nodded, not taking her eyes from Clarke. "Yes, Raven listened to your mom's message after you left and told us all know what happened."
"I'm scared, Lex," Clarke admitted with a hitch in her breath.
Lexa nodded again and reached out to squeeze Clarke's hand. She could feel the chill of Clarke's skin, so she peeled off her gloves and passed them to Clarke who looked at Lexa shyly before pulling them over her cold fingers, relishing in the residual body heat left behind by Lexa's hands.
"I know, Clarke," Lexa comforted, once Clarke had fully pulled on the gloves. "And it's okay to be scared. You didn't listen to the last message, but your mom said that your dad made it to the hospital and that he was in surgery. Abby said she would call you as soon as she hears anything, and that if you want to fly out to Orlando, she'll get you a ticket for the next available flight."
"She left without me," Clarke suddenly blurted out, staring at her hands. "What if Dad dies? She left me here, and I won't get to say goodbye to him," Clarke clenched her hands into fists and was working her way into full-blown anger. Lexa recognized it and knew that she had to try to defuse the situation before Clarke started laying blame on everyone else before ultimately placing it squarely on herself.
Lexa reached over and tentatively took Clarke's balled up fist between both of hers, and gently rubbed against the back of her hand and down her tightly curled fingers. "Clarke, listen to me. You know your mom tried to find you to take you with her. It isn't her fault that she couldn't get a hold of you."
"No," Clarke spat, abruptly turning the blame on herself, "It's mine, for going out in the first place. Mine for not having my phone on me because I was more focused on," Clarke glanced at Lexa quickly and away again. "Other things," she continued. "If I had my phone on me, I would've gotten her call or text. I'd be in Orlando with her and Dad right now."
"Clarke," Lexa tried again, still rubbing Clarke's fist with both of hers trying to get her fingers to uncurl, surprised at how fast Clarke shouldered the blame. Lexa thought quickly about what to say to try to soothe the guilt she could see building in the woman before her. "While that might be true; you may have gotten the text, you may be in Orlando right now, but it wouldn't change anything about your dad."
"What do you mean?" Clarke asked eyes wide, voice rising.
"Clarke, your Dad was already in surgery when your mom got there," Lexa tried to reason with the agitated blonde. "She'll know when he gets out and will update you. None of that would change if you were there right now. The outcome won't change if you were there," Lexa softly said, trying to get Clarke to understand. "I will personally make sure you are on the next flight to Orlando so that you're there for your mom," Lexa paused, "and hopefully your dad when he wakes up."
Clarke looked at Lexa with tears welling in her eyes. "What if...what if he doesn't wake up?" Clarke asked, tears rolling down her face.
Lexa looked at Clarke with understanding and squeezed her hand before saying, "Then I and the rest of your friends and your mom will be there to support you."
Clarke nodded and gave Lexa a shaky smile after releasing a deep breath.
"Ready to go home?" Lexa asked softly. "Your friends are worried and are there waiting for you."
"All of them?" Clarke asked in a small voice.
"No. Just Raven, Octavia, Lincoln, and Anya," Lexa informed her. "The rest went home under protest and only after we gave them our word that they would be updated as soon as we found you. Speaking of which, do you want to send them all a quick message and let them know we're on the way?" Lexa softly said, pulling Clarke's phone out of her pocket and handing it to the subdued blonde.
Clarke nodded and reached out for the phone, opened her app and sent a group message out.
To the Delinquents:
Clarke: I'm on my way home.
Messages started pouring in right away.
O: Oh thank god! Clarke, are you okay?
Rae: I knew Lexa would find you.
Anya: Drive safe, we'll see you in a few.
Clarke: See you soon.
More messages poured in from the rest of the group all expressing their relief that Clarke was okay and offering their support if needed. Clarke ignored the rest and put her phone back in her pocket, already exhausted dealing with her worried friends.
Lexa stood and offered her hand to Clarke who accepted it, and Lexa pulled her gently from the bench. The two women made their way to the car, and Lexa offered to drive so Clarke gave up the keys and Lexa opened the passenger door for Clarke before scampering around to the driver side and scooting in. She started the ignition and blasted the heat and the window defroster before jumping out again to scrape off the light frost that had formed on the windows, and then jumped back in.
They waited in a comfortable silence for the window to defog enough to drive, each lost in their thoughts before Lexa finally broke the silence.
"Why were you sitting at the bus stop?" Lexa softly asked.
Clarke grimaced, "I came out to the car, but realized I left my keys...well, everything, so I just started walking. By the time I hit that bench, I was freezing, so I was going to take the bus. One bus came by, but the driver wouldn't let me on because I had no money. Then I just couldn't find it in me to move," Clarke said looking directly at Lexa. "You showed up only a few minutes later. Thank you for coming for me," Clarke finished quietly after a brief pause.
Lexa looked at Clarke carefully in silence for a moment before she whispered almost inaudibly, "Always." Lexa turned abruptly and faced the front window, trying to ignore the stunned look on the blonde's face as she tried to process what Lexa had just said. While she sat there watching the fogged portion of the window start to shrink around the edges slowly, Lexa made a decision.
Lexa took a deep, steadying breath and turned to Clarke, who was looking at her hands and sniffing quietly, while the odd tear escaped her already slightly puffy eyes.
"Clarke?" Lexa asked quietly, looking directly at the blonde.
Clarke looked up to find Lexa staring at her intently. Lexa's eyes bored into her like they were looking through to her very soul. Clarke saw a gamut of emotions flow across the brunette's face when their eyes met, but what she saw the most was understanding.
Lexa knew that she was allowing her guard down, and was letting Clarke see her true inner self, but she didn't care. She could see the knowledge of that truth reflected in Clarke's eyes, and she too saw understanding shine back at her. There was something else there too, something she hadn't seen from anyone in a very long time, but Lexa couldn't bring herself to think too hard about it at the moment, too lost in the dark blue of the eyes in front of her.
In all the ways Lexa pictured having this conversation with Clarke never did she ever imagine that it would occur under these circumstances. Lexa had never been much of a believer in fate, but she had been re-examining that belief lately, and this whole incident just seemed to drive home that maybe fate was playing more a role in her life than she wanted to believe. As Lexa continued to search Clarke's face she could feel the air thicken between them, so Lexa finally broke eye contact and cleared her throat.
"Do you believe in fate, Clarke?" Lexa asked, looking away from Clarke and out at the street.
"What?" Clarke asked sitting further upright and sniffing.
Lexa turned to face Clarke again. "Fate. Do you believe that things happen for a reason? That you are on this Earth for a reason? That you meet certain people for a reason?" Lexa clarified, looking carefully once again at the blonde.
Clarke furrowed her brow and shook her head before saying slowly, "I…I don't know. I guess I haven't given it much thought before. Why?"
"I didn't use to think much about it either. Then a few years ago I did, and when I did, I often thought if it did exist it was a bitch," Lexa said, before continuing more quietly, "lately though I'm not so sure."
Clarke wiped her nose on her sleeve and looked up at Lexa. "What do you mean? Have you been thinking about it more lately?"
"Yes," Lexa replied softly, raising her eyes to meet Clarke's. "Ever since I met you."
Clarke's breath hitched in her throat, and she widened her eyes in surprise as she asked, "Why? Why would meeting me make you think more about fate?"
"I'm beginning to think," Lexa continued slowly, thinking carefully before speaking again, "that maybe everything that has happened in my life, especially in the last few years, has happened so that I would, or could, meet you. After tonight, it seems to be so much clearer," Lexa said, looking into Clarke's shining blue eyes. "That everything has all led to this moment; so that I would be here for you, to support you now if you need it," Lexa offered quietly.
Clarke was completely floored. She knew how guarded Lexa was; they had never spoken directly of her past, or why she lived with her uncle. There had been brief discussions of her time spent at UW before her transfer to GWU, but not the reason behind the move. Clarke didn't press her for information, their friendship still in the fledgling stages, and she didn't want to push the other girl away. For Lexa to reveal that she now believed that she was here to help Clarke was surreal, especially because she didn't understand why.
"Oh," was all she said. She still didn't want to push the other woman, so she sat quietly and waited.
Lexa looked at Clarke, thinking that this woman was the only person she had ever met that didn't push her for explanations, and she knew that Clarke wouldn't pity her either, she would just know and understand. She suddenly felt the need to share her story with the incredible blonde in front of her, because she felt it was right, but also so Clarke might understand, well, everything. So she stated quietly, "I feel like I can support you through this because I have been through it myself."