*March, 2013

Kensi looked at [Deeks], turned to Nate and Callen before looking at him again. She pushed up the armrest between them, leaned over and kissed him right on the mouth. Oh, did she kiss him. When she was done, because he was completely letting her run this, Kensi cuddled up close to him, lifting his right arm and wrapping it around her.

"Now he's been properly kissed by the beautiful princess."

Deeks looked at an amazed Callen and a confused Nate. He wiggled his eyebrows at them and started eating his sandwich with his left hand. The wrist brace made that a little less elegant than Kensi's floor show.

"OK, how long has this been going on?" Callen asked.

Deeks had a mouth full of turkey sandwich and Kensi was enjoying herself satisfied smile so there was no immediate answer.

"A while," Nate offered.

Swallowing his food, Deeks said "Do tell."

"A few months back, Hetty called. She was worried about you two."

"Any particular reason?" Kensi asked.

"Deeks was supposed to lie to you," Nate answered.

Deeks cut him off. "Yeah, let's not go there."

"Why not?" Callen was fascinated. "You hated that case. Intensely. Wow, now I know why."

"I would have hated it anyway." Deeks took another bite of his sandwich.*

November, 2011

The team was gathered and doing their usual morning thing in the bullpen. Coffee cups of various sizes on all the desks and donuts, complete with crumbs, on Kensi's. The aroma of bacon from Callen's double meat breakfast was wafting in the air. However, the idyll was elusive. Marty Deeks was sitting with cup in hand, staring at his laptop. Sam looked at Callen and nodded his head towards the gym.

"When's the last time you checked in with Deeks?" Sam sensed Deeks' tension.

Sam and Callen had just gotten back from the Sudan. Callen filled his partner in on the Fisk operation and what their roles were to be. He also told Sam about Deeks very serious concerns over Kensi's role. Hetty had even brought Nate in "virtually" to talk with Deeks about it. Callen could not understand why Deeks was acting the way he was. It was just an OP.

"I tried to call him last night but he never picked up. Must've had a date." Callen surmised.

What they didn't know was that Deeks had taken Kensi out to their favorite beach restaurant. He was doing everything to keep his mind off the upcoming OP and keep her distracted. Actually there was a lot the team didn't know. If they had known about their relationship, then maybe they would understand why this was eating away at him.

Deeks regularly checked in with Hetty and Chief Warner, praying the RDX would be found so he would not have to go through with this charade. Unfortunately, Hetty confirmed his worst fears. The mission was a go and today was the day. Just then Eric appeared at the top of the stairs to bring everyone up to OPS. Callen looked at Sam and then they both looked at Deeks. Kensi was blissfully unaware of the exchange. Deeks just sighed and followed everyone up the stairs.

Nell watched the team walk in. She noticed how Deeks was not his usual chipper self. Nell also avoided eye contact with Kensi. She was afraid she might be too easy to read for Kensi. She was early in her training to be a field agent. But even a well trained agent might have difficulty lying to a friend. Nell agreed with Deeks on how Kensi was being treated and readily offered to help him. She would have done it without being treated to breakfast the day he spoke with Nate. But the breakfast had been a nice plus as Deeks was able to let off some steam and voice his concerns to someone who was able to acknowledge his concerns and not dismiss them. Deeks was a close friend as was Kensi. Deeks had found out during their "breakfast meeting" that Nell had been read in by Kensi on their personal undercover. Nell gave him a quick nod and started the briefing. It was going to be a hellish day.

The team was tasked with backing up LAPD on a sting operation that was targeting Clarence Fisk. He had "acquired" 20 bricks of RDX and was selling it to a group of Aryans. OSP will be responsible for securing and returning the explosives to DOD upon its recovery.

"Deeks, Kensi, you will be on overwatch. I want you to cover the back entrance of the park."

Deeks just nodded at Callen. Kensi looked to her partner and then to Callen.

"Are you sure? That seems too far out to back up you and Sam."

Kensi was good at her job. Knew how to analyze angles and shot lines. What she couldn't understand is why she was the only one seeing this.

"Sam and I will have a vantage point inside the park closer to the meet. I need you to be where I put you two."

Callen's tone made it clear to her that it was not up for discussion. At that Kensi nodded and left OPS to gather her things. Deeks just looked at all of them. His eyes told them what his words couldn't. He knows how this was going to play out and he alone was going to pay a steep price for this deception to his partner. With that he walked out.

A short while later the teams were in position. Deeks working hard to keep calm, his features schooled. Kensi was still bothered by Callen from the briefing and also by her boyfriend's behavior earlier at home. She turned to say something but was stopped by her partner's finger on her lips. With the other hand, he pointed to his ear to remind her that they were not alone. Kensi nodded. She would not speak about home but she will have her say about Callen.

"Our position is completely wrong."

Her partner was checking the area with his binoculars. Up ahead a female jogger was approaching where they sat.

"And yet, it's so right." He smirked.

The double meaning of what he said was not lost on him. Kensi assumed he was talking about the pretty jogger. She had no idea that they were at ground zero for the deception that was about to play out.

"We should be on foot with Callen and Sam, not stuck back here. That's what LAPD is for. No offense."

Kensi was getting agitated and Deeks could do nothing to soothe her without raising suspicions. In a sense it was good she was in the state she was in. Kensi, not thinking clearly, will not notice him breaking cover. Clear headed Kensi would start putting the pieces together. Deeks doesn't know if he should be grateful or fear further pissing off his partner.

"Are you listening to me?" At that Kensi grabs the binoculars from Deeks.

"Ow. Sorry. Hashtag, I think I'm in love. L-O-V-E, huh?"

Kensi was leaning in to respond, but again Deeks pointed to his ear. He then took her hand in his and brought to his lips and gently kissed it. Ok, she'll play along.

"Hashtag, my partner's a loser!"

Deeks looked at his girlfriend and mouthed 'touche'. They settled down and continued to wait. Callen and Sam informed the junior partners that the meet was proceeding according to plan. Just then the jogger Deeks had been watching was approached by one of the Aryan guarding the entrance to the park.

"Okay, Aryan's guarding the meet, girl's getting feisty. Not a good combination."

"If she's smart, she's gonna walk away."

Deeks knew what was going to happen next and he hated every second of it.

"Callen, Sam, one of the Aryan lookouts just assaulted a civilian." And showtime.

"How bad?" Callen looked to Sam, they silently wished Deeks good luck.

"Bad. With the potential of getting a lot worse."

"All right, hold your position."

"You've gotta be kidding me."

Just then the Aryan struck the female jogger hard across the face, knocking her to the ground.

"Okay, it just got worse."

Deeks jumps out of the car and races towards the pair.

"Hey! LAPD!"

The Aryan drops the girl and faces towards Deeks.

"You wanna die hero?"

With that the suspect reaches into his jacket.

"Don't! Don't"

Deeks shouts not wanting the suspect to pull what he is sure is a gun from his jacket. The Aryan continues his motion. Deeks has no choice but to shoot the suspect to protect himself, the jogger and his partner. The man drops to the ground. Deeks approaches cautiously. While he searches for the gun. Kensi goes to the jogger.

"Are you okay? Are you okay?"

"I thought he was going to kill me."

"It's okay, you're safe now. You're okay." Kensi then turns to her partner.

"Where's his gun?"

Deeks draws his hand over his face as he now has to do what he promised her that he would never do. Lie.

"Deeks! Where's his gun?"

"He didn't have one."

Kensi looked and saw a cell phone that her partner removed from the suspect. Suddenly the area was filled with LAPD officers. Kensi just looked at Deeks and wondered, 'what just happened?'

The ride back to the mission was quiet and tense. Deeks just stared out the window. Kensi was still reeling from what happened. She saw the Aryan go to his pocket. She believed he was going for a weapon. He had assaulted the jogger. She was grateful that Callen was able to convince LAPD to let them take Deeks with them. Although, she was surprised they agreed. Deeks was one of theirs. Given how chaotic the scene was, just as well.

When they arrived back at the mission, Deeks got out of the car and went straight to the locker room. Once there he dropped on the bench in front of his locker. He ran his hand over his face. Now all he has to do is keep it together and try and "avoid" Kensi as much as possible without hurting her or raising her suspicions. He thinks that it might be too late for that but the show must go on.

Deeks changes into workout gear and heads out to take his frustrations on the heavy bag. Blow after blow each with a memory attached. His father making it clear that he was never enough. Frank Boyle making it clear that he would never be a good cop. Letting his mother down. Letting Ray down. Letting Jess down. Now he is on the verge of letting down the one person who sees so much more in him than he feels he deserves. His future just within his grasp and this one lie could end it. Harder and harder he strikes the back. Sweat starting to run down his arms. He is so focused he doesn't hear his partner approach.

"How you holding up?"

"Well, I shot my Dad when I was 11, shot a lot more guys as a cop, and all of them deserved it. Life or death situations. Until today."

Kensi winced as he recounted shooting his father. She remembered when he told her the story and holding him as he dealt with the news that he had died. She can see that this is eating him up.

"That guy was a neo-Nazi murderer wanted by the FBI since 04."

"L.A.P.D. gave me a badge because I know when not to pull the trigger. And if I've lost that edge, man, I am just another thug with a gun."

"I would have done the same thing."

"Right"

"I'm here for you, okay?"

Deeks just looked at her. Kensi was hoping for some kind of response but all he did was start hitting the bag again. She sees something in his eyes. A sadness? Regret? Kensi can't explain the niggling in the back of her mind. This is not like her partner. She decides to leave him be and get more information. Maybe that will snap Deeks out of the funk he seems to be wallowing in.

Kensi rejoins Callen and Sam in the bullpen. She was eager to help clear her partner. Apparently she is the only one. What she got from Callen and Sam was a whole lot of backpedaling, excuse making, not our problem, bunch of nothing. What the hell? He is a team member, not some random cop. She knows Sam has been brusk with Deeks, but Callen usually seemed supportive. Fine, she will figure this out on her own. And with that, she left.

A while later the team was up in OPS discussing Clarence Fisk. Eric told them Nell had things set up on the plasma in the bullpen. With that the team went downstairs. Nell started her debrief on the players. Starting with Lt. Bates, Deeks' boss and the task force he heads. Monica Lee, Fisk's attorney is next. She has a win streak of 14-0. All their eyebrows raised at that stat. There has to be someone on the inside.

Nell then brings up Angela Tully, she is on the Fisk case at the D.A.'s office. She would have access to all players. Fisk could have turned her. Bottom line, the mole is keeping Fisk from getting caught and the RDX being recovered. As the team plans their next step, Hetty appears behind Deeks.

"Detective Deeks."

"Yes"

"The L.A.P.D. has cut ties with NCIS. The Liaison duties are discontinued effectively immediately. I'm sorry."

You could hear a pin drop. Everyone froze. Did what just happened happen? Kensi found her voice first.

"What does that mean?" Oh he knows what that means. It means he now gets to drive a nail into his partner's heart.

"Hetty just fired me."

All Sam and Callen could do was watch as the news sunk in with Kensi.

"Why don't you just quit? Just resign from L.A.P.D. and apply to become a NCIS agent?"

If she only knew. The folder with the application was sitting in his desk drawer. Deeks could see the hurt in her eyes. He knows he is the cause of the hurt and what's worse, he can do nothing to make it stop. He will have to keep his distance from her.

"It's not that easy."

Callen is trying to help. Time to finish this.

"He's right. L.A.P.D. is gonna have internal affairs all over me. They're gonna schedule a hearing. A judge is going to review the evidence, and if he finds me at fault, my career is over. Wow! That sounds weird to say out loud."

Callen and Sam kept glancing at Kensi. They could see her brow furrow deeper. The frown getting longer, her eyes getting wetter.

"Okay, I should probably get going."

Deeks came from behind his desk towards Callen who met him halfway. They clasped hands and exchanged a bro-hug. Deeks then turned towards Sam.

"I'm not hugging you."

"That's good, because you have wined and dined me yet."

"You got on my nerves, a lot. You and I couldn't be more different, but you made the team better." The shook hands.

"Thank you"

With that Sam and Callen left the bullpen. Both very relieved not to have to watch what would happen next.

Deeks and Kensi just looked at each other. Kensi desperately trying to read her partner. This is when she realizes just how good an operative he is but then she sees him flinch. Maybe she is getting better at reading him.

"I want to help."

"I know."

"Let me come with you. You shouldn't have to face this by yourself. Remember, partners, couple, twosome."

Kensi was not against pleading with her partner. He was innocent. Why is she the only one seeing it. Why isn't he fighting harder. She wants to hug him. As much for him as for her. His eyes have such a sad tint to them like he's expecting the worse to happen.

"Kens, I can't drag you into this."

"Is that all you have to say?"

"I don't know what you want me to say right now. This isn't easy for me either."

If she only knew how hard this was. If she only knew how he justs wants to hold her and tell her the truth. That those gorgeous mismatched eyes that look so defeated are killing him.

"Well I have something to say. And I think if I don't say it now, I probably never will so just give me a chance to come out and say it."

He has to stop her. She thinks that he's leaving her but he's not. The last thing he wants is for her to say something that when she finds out what this is, she will be more hurt and embarrassed. He wishes he could tell her that Nell has her back and will tell her everything by day's end.

"I don't know if this the right time to say it. Let me go and do what I need to do. I will call you."

"You will call me?" Why does she feel she is being dismissed?

"Yes, I will call you and we will figure it out. We always do."

He desperately wants to tell her he loves her but he can't not now, not here. So he picks up his box and heads out to the safe house Hetty assigned to him. He will drop his belongings and the go bag that's in his car and then head downtown to start part 2 of his assignment - get back in with Bates.

He hopes that goes better than part 1 - breaking Kensi's heart.

TBC

*Excerpt from "Scattered" by Tess DiCorsi - used with permission